Your Hangovers *Are* Getting Worse As You Get Older & Here’s Why

Raise your hand if you’ve ever been personally victimized by vodka. Seriously, have anyone else’s hangovers gotten significantly worse after the age of 25? It used to be as easy as going out, throwing back a nauseating amount of jungle juice and cheap liquor, and bouncing back after a greasy breakfast sandwich and a quick power nap. Now, it’s two glasses of wine and a headache for the next three days. I used to pride myself on the fact that I wasn’t a “puker”, but after I hit my mid-twenties, just a couple rounds of skinny margs would be followed by hours of holding my hair back the next morning. What gives? Are we just getting weaker in our old age, or is it possible that we’ve forgotten how bad our hangovers really were when we were younger?

Looking back at old Snapchats from college, all we see are the blurry videos of the nights of our youth, and not the mornings after that we spent throwing up and vowing to never drink again. So is it us, or is it science? As it turns out, there are valid medical reasons for why we can’t stomach our hangovers as well as we used to, excuse the pun. In addition to my own personal “research” (drinking), I reached out to some medical experts to provide some much-needed insight on why hangovers feel worse as we get older. 

Hangover Hell

Even if you don’t drink, it’s pretty safe to say that everyone is familiar with what a hangover is. Generally, it’s a day of sickness, complaining, and overall misery that follows a night of heavy drinking. But what are hangovers, medically speaking? I spoke with integrative physician Dr. Taz Bhatia, who broke down the science behind hangovers. Dr. Taz says, “The technical name is veisalgia and refers to a syndrome of symptoms post-alcohol—headaches, fatigue, nausea, vomiting, and focus issues.”

I don’t know about you, but I always feel more justified when I can put a medical term to my woes. Saying “I have veisalgia!” sounds way more serious than just saying “I’m hungover,” and therefore warrants more sympathy instead of judgment from your friends and family. Dr. Taz adds, “Many of these symptoms are most likely from detox pathways getting overworked along with leaching of key nutrients like B vitamins and amino acids.”

Have you also noticed that, as you’ve gotten older, regardless of what or how much you’re drinking, your hangover the next day is exceptionally dreadful? Take solace in knowing that you’re not alone, and that you’re not imagining this; your hangovers really are getting worse as you’re getting older. I’ll give you a moment to go yell “I told you so!” at whoever mocked you for being a wimp during your last hangover. Dr. Jason Burke, hangover specialist and founder of Hangover Heaven IV Hydration, says, “Yes, hangovers are getting much worse as we age. I say that when people are 20 years old, hangovers last one hour, when you get to age 30 they last all day, and once you become over 40, they become a multi-day experience.” So, something to look forward to. Yay. 

Age And Alcohol 

So why do hangovers get worse as we get older? “Because the body’s reserves are worn down—and there is often not the nutrient reserve, immune reserve, and given time—a greater accumulation of toxins that stress liver function,” says Dr. Taz. Yet another reason to begrudge getting older, enzyme activity in your liver decreases as you age; therefore, your body might not be metabolizing alcohol as well as it did when you were younger. And as we get older, our percentage of body water also decreases, which can increase our blood alcohol concentration (even when we drink less), thus giving us worse hangovers the next day. Furthermore, Dr. Burke explains, “As people age, their ability to rebound, heal, and recover becomes less. As your body ages, it loses its regenerative functions. A hangover is a physical insult to your body. This is why you feel so bad. So, when you are 20 years old you rebound from anything faster, including hangovers. Unfortunately the only thing that gets better with age is wisdom.” Ironically, I think I need a drink to help come to terms with this bitter fact.

Ready to resent your hangover and men, even more? In addition to getting worse with age, studies have also suggested that women experience more severe hangovers than men. To add even more salt to the wound (sans the tequila), Dr. Burke says that women may begin dealing with harsher hangovers at around age 27 or 28, whereas men may not start to experience issues until age 30 or 31. So I guess alcohol is sexist now, too. As to why women have more intense hangovers, Dr. Taz says, “There are studies that show that women have slower detox pathways and therefore don’t metabolize alcohol as well.” I seriously feel betrayed by my body right now.

Dr. Burke adds, “Women experience worse hangovers than men, mainly due to nausea and vomiting. This can be incapacitating. Women tend to get more nauseous and men tend to get more headaches with hangovers. Most people can function to a certain degree with a bad headache, but if somebody is vomiting uncontrollably, there is really nothing else to be done.” Sad, but true. Personally, I recommend aiming your vomit at a guy so that they can be just as upset and miserable as you are. Balance restored. 

How To Help Your Hangover

Just because you can’t stop yourself from aging doesn’t mean that all hope is lost. There are still preventative steps you can take to help ease the severity of your inevitable hangover. For starters, the type of alcohol you choose can play a role in how much you suffer the next day. We probably all know this already, but in case you don’t, Dr. Burke advises, “Darker alcohols definitely cause worse hangovers than clear alcohol. And cheap alcohol causes worse hangovers than high-end alcohol.” Sounds like top shelf shots all around! Dr. Taz also recommends loading up on B vitamins, vitamin C, and staying hydrated. So, while you might not be able to fully prevent a hangover, you can still do your best to soften the blow. 

Additionally, Dr. Burke relays, “The best way to not end up feeling like death warmed over the next morning is to have a plan when you go out. Especially if you are near age 30 or older.” Basically—and I know nobody wants to hear this—know your limits. You can’t expect to drink five vodka sodas and miraculously feel fine the next day, no matter how much vitamin B you pound. Sorry!

As for drinking an abundance of water as a means of warding off a hangover, Dr. Burke says it can help, but only to a small degree: “If you have had 12 shots of Jagermeister, you can drink all the water you want and you will still feel like death in the morning. It will help somewhat, but it does not resolve the neuro inflammation, nor the oxidative stress.” Harsh, but fair. I mean, drink the water; you’re probably dehydrated anyway. Just don’t expect it to work a miracle.

On the chance that you find yourself in a situation where one drink turned into five and you didn’t take any pre-drinking precautions, don’t beat yourself up. It’s going to happen. Just go for any of your tried-and-true hangover hacks and try and remember that this feeling won’t last forever. Hydrate yourself with electrolytes, and sleep it off knowing that your hangovers are getting worse as you age, it’s just science—sorry!

Image: Space_Cat /

What To Eat Before Day Drinking So You Don’t Die

Yikes. Not sure about everyone else out there, but I’d say a fair majority of the population is nursing a hangover today. This is what happens when you put a holiday dedicated to alcohol and blowing things up in the middle of the week. How could we have avoided these splitting headaches which are being nursed with copious amounts of water and pizza today? We could have eaten the right shit while drinking yesterday. Luckily, I researched (a day too late) what to eat before day drinking to help you immensely the next day in terms of not feeling like shit.

Next time a daytime bender is on the radar (I see you, Saturday Labor Day), here’s what to eat before day drinking so you don’t die.

1. Pears

Yep, according to Spoon University, Asian pear juice has been shown to reduce the shittiness you experience after drinking by about 20 percent. Eating a shitload of pears before day drinking helps your body get rid of the alcohol more quickly later, so you won’t be captain of the struggle bus. Also, Rick Ross credits eating pears to his massive weight loss, so I mean, if it’s good enough for the bawss it’s good enough for me.


2. Green Juice

Since you’re already planning on having nothing but a smoothie for breakfast before your day drinking adventure, make it a green juice instead. Eating things like broccoli and kale before drinking will give your liver an extra boost, and mixing those into a green juice can help boost your electrolytes, which will be depleted after your take four to ten shots.

3. Avocado

God, is there anything avocado CAN’T do? Since these trendy bitches are full of healthy fats and B vitamins, they can help stave off the spins tomorrow morning. Add some to a smoothie, eat some guacamole, or just embrace your basic bitch and nom on some avocado toast.

4. Cucumbers

Yay! Cucumbers are literally on all of our lists for healthy this or that, but they’re especially helpful for those of us who are not all about that hangover life. Since they’re about 95 percent water, cucumbers will keep you super hydrated AND help flush out toxins hanging out in your bod. According to Men’s Journal, “cucumbers also contain small amounts of sugar, B vitamins, and electrolytes, which could help prevent or lessen the intensity of your headache the next day.”

5. Salmon

Like our good friend the avocado, salmon has a shitton of healthy fats and vitamins that can prevent you from, like, dying after drinking all day. Nutritionist Marina Chaparro, MPH, RDN, CDE, LD (fuck, that’s a lot of letters), says that the B vitamins in salmon help replenish or keep up the ones you’ll lose when chugging beer through a funnel (I paraphrase that last part a bit). Eating salmon can also promote short term memory and general brain function, so maybe you’ll have a better chance at remembering who you texted.

6. Pickles

Sounds weird, but it’s totally true. Eating a handful of pickles before drinking will save you some pain later. Why? According to USA Today, drinking causes us to fuck up our water balance (duh), but pickles are rich in electrolytes and help maintain that water balance. In other words, it’s like a vinegary Gatorade that’ll prevent that head-exploding feeling the next day.

7. Quinoa

Thanks to the fiber and protein in this ancient grain, eating quinoa before drinking can slow down alcohol’s effect on your body. In other words, because fiber fills you up, you’re less likely to become a lightweight and get drunk in record time if you eat some black, red, or white quinoa before that game of pong.


8. Eggs

Obv, if you’re day drinking, you need a hearty, healthy breakfast. While you’re chugging your green juice and nomming your avocado toast, fry up some eggs, too. They’re a bitchin’ source of protein and are rich in cysteine, an essential amino acid that’ll give your liver a much-needed boost.

Bottom line, make sure you’re eating SOMETHING before you day drink, even if it isn’t on this list. And, it goes without saying, but chugging a few bottles of water before playing Stump or Pong or Power Hour is going to help a lot, too.

Images: Tom Masat, Unsplash; Giphy (4)

5 Cocktails That Won’t Give You A Bad Hangover

Hooray for cocktails! Honestly, we feel v classy while sitting and sippin’ on something colorful and cute. It’s like, who we are as people. But we don’t feel cute come the splitting headache, irritability (more than usual), general feeling that we’re dying, and potential for barfing in our eggs benedict at brunch the next morning. Yes, drinking is fun, but hangovers are the worst. It’s a real Sophie’s Choice we grapple with every day. Since the beginning of time (I assume), people have been looking for how to drink without getting hungover. In general, to avoid a hangover, stick with vodka and gin, plain and simple. Additionally, the higher shelf the liquor is, the better, since the filtration processes are going to remove more unwanted shit. So, when given the choice between Grey Goose and Dubra (FLASHBACK FLASHBACK HELP), go ahead and splurge on the Grey Goose.

Secondly, your mixer should be natural and/or sugar-free. So, carbonated water, unflavored soda, and pure fruit choices are going to be the best choices if you want a weekend that doesn’t require you to inhale a pizza to feel better. Don’t want to do any brain work and figure out a cocktail using the above tips? I did it for you. These cocktails will help you along your journey of figuring outhow to drink without getting hungover, Or like, more accurately, how to drink without getting *as* hungover. Don’t chug twice as many vodka waters as you normally would and @ me. That’s not how this works.

1. Vodka Soda

YAS QUEEN YAS. No one should be surprised that the reigning queen of betchy drinks, the low-calorie vodka soda, can do no wrong in terms of hangovers, either. Since vodka has almost no congeners, which is a fancy name for added shit, it doesn’t contribute as badly to the Sunday morning regrets (in terms of your body … not who you texted). Add in soda water, which has no sugar, and you’re well on your way to having a headache-free morning. Praise be.

2. Sea Breeze

Since this cocktail sounds like the given name of a 1980s cruise ship, you probably aren’t too familiar with it. SURPRISE, SURPRISE—it’s our old friend, vodka, with grapefruit and cranberry juice, coming in HOT for a hangover-free weekend. As we know from extensive research, vodka is the best choice in liquor for avoiding a hangover. Add in some real cranberry juice (not cranberry juice cocktail) and fresh squeezed grapefruit juice for a refreshing combo that 1985 would be proud of. Break out the shoulder pads.Vodka

3. Tom Collins

You know a cocktail’s gonna be good when it sounds like a fancy British man. The Tom Collins combines gin, lemon juice, sugar, and carbonated water. Gin is a clear liquor (or like, blue), so it’s a good option that won’t make you as hungover. Lemon juice has pretty much no sugar—same goes for carbonated water, so we’re in the clear there. The sugar can pose a bit of a problem, but if you’re making the cocktail yourself, just chill on the sweet shit and you should be fine. This is like the adult’s answer to lemonade.

4. Martini

Wanna pretend you’re on Mad Men and lacking in basic human rights? Time to pound a martini! The classic gin martini (vodka martinis are delicious but they are for trash people … although that probs won’t give you a hangover either) is essentially a splash of dry vermouth (not enough to even matter) with gin and an olive or lemon peel. No sugar here. I mean, this is literally a glorified shot in a bigger glass.Martini

5. Gin & Tonic

Remember: If you drink gin and tonics you may be a psycho, but you probably won’t get that hungover. Tonic has a fuckton of sodium, so you may bloat, but the lack of sugar in the gin or the tonic means you’re pretty well on your way to not throwing up at brunch again.

Images: Kaizen Nguyen / Unsplash; Giphy (2)

6 Things That Will Actually Cure Your Hangover

As a soon-to-be 26-year-old, definitely the worst part about being on the wrong side of 25 has got to be that I’m about to lose my health insurance my hangovers are debilitating. I’m talking about a full 72-hour affair. First, there’s the general hangover that comes with all the nausea, headaches, fatigue, and praying for the sweet release of death. Then the next day I’m still congested af and sneezing up what I assume are the remnants of my terrible life choices, and on top of that I’m still tired. THEN, I’m still tired for a good day after that, just in time for the weekend to roll around and for me to start drinking again. What’s a borderline alcoholic girl to do? Thankfully, science and frat bros with their parents’ money entrepreneurs have got our back. I’ve tried just about every hangover cure there is, aside from abstaining from alcohol, so I’m going to tell you about the best ones.

1. Morning Recovery

This stuff comes in a tiny bottle that’s only a little bigger than your average container of 5-Hour Energy, which is good for people like me who don’t enjoy swallowing massive amounts of liquid. (And I wonder why I’m single.) It’s basically got a bunch of chemical compounds that are supposed to boost your body’s natural response to alcohol—shit like milk thistle, prickly pear, and something called DHM that sounds like the main ingredients of a capsule I ingested this weekend at EZoo. You’re supposed to go out and do what you normally would do, come home and drink Morning Recovery, and then enjoy your next day hangover-free. However, because I’m a delinquent, I drank this shit while I was pregaming (which they say you can also do), and I think the effects were still the same. I went to EZoo, drank copious amounts of Heineken and tequila, and still woke up hangover-free, even without the initial headache and residual nausea I usually get from my typical two glasses of wine at happy hour. As an extra bonus, Morning Recovery is giving Betches readers a discount if you use the code BETCHES10 at checkout!

Morning Recovery

2. Mentis

I ordered this shit off GoFundMe because I’m forever chasing a way to avoid consequences for my actions. Sue me. Mentis is similar to Morning Recovery in that it contains a bunch of ingredients I can’t pronounce and don’t care to understand, and it basically has a lot of supplements and shit to help your body repair itself. It comes in a little packet much like your regular Emergen-C and you pour it into water and drink the water. The main difference here is, you NEED to take it BEFORE you start drinking. Seems easy enough unless you’re me and start drinking at 3pm most days and don’t bring your Mentis to brunch. Oh well. I tried this, and I also felt like I avoided a hangover which was pretty impressive considering I mixed a lot of types of alcohol and had a tequila soda at like, 1:30am because I’m a psychopath with no regard for my own life. The only downside to this stuff is that while the peach flavor is good, this shit is chalky as hell. It was v hard to choke down the whole glass. But I’d take that over being immobile and marathoning five straight hours of Parks and Rec on a gorgeous 80-degree Sunday any day.


3. Eat A Burger

I’ve only recently discovered that eating a burger before I go out drinking will save me from a debilitating hangover the next day. And science backs me up on this, so stay with me here. The protein from the meat has amino acids and B vitamins that help you process the undesirable byproducts of alcohol, and eating a meal that consists of carbs, fat, and protein helps you metabolize the alcohol. You might feel bloated and disgusting, but science didn’t tell you to order the side of fries over the salad, so it sounds like this is a personal problem.


4. Take An Advil

Even if you don’t have a headache, it’s not a bad idea to take an ibuprofen before bed to reduce inflammation caused by alcohol. Plus, that extra sip of water required for you to swallow the pill probably doesn’t hurt either. However, you need to make sure that you’re taking ibuprofen and NOT acetaminophen. I always get the two confused and used to take them interchangeably until my friend yelled at me, because it’s a TERRIBLE idea. Drinking on acetaminophen (and even taking it the day after drinking) can lead to liver damage, which is precisely the organ you want to protect if you want alcohol to remain a part of your life. Just so you remember, acetaminophen is Tylenol and ibuprofen is Advil. Bookmark this page for later; you’re welcome.


5. Don’t Black Out

Apologies for sounding like a MADD presentation, but in my (very extensive) experience the only way to guarantee I don’t have a terrible hangover is to not black out. Once I experience memory loss, I’m fucked. Obviously there’s no science to speak to this because scientists are lame and can’t hang, but like, this would be my personal recommendation to you. Get wasted, just don’t black out, and maybe there’s a shred of hope for you and all the errands you have to run tomorrow.


6. Drink A Ton Of Water

Groundbreaking, I know. But the best way to prevent AND cure your hangover is to drink a ton of water. Alternate water in between your drinks. Drink water before you go to bed. Then, the next day, drink water every time you think you’re hungry. (Spoiler alert: You’re probably just thirsty.) And luckily for you, our best-selling water bottles are back in stock! These stainless steel water bottles will keep your water (or other beverages… we won’t tell) cool so you don’t vom when you take a big sip. They’re Champagne in color and say “Not Not Hungover”…just like you. They’re back in stock so buy them here!

Shop Betches Not Not Hungover

Read: Drink This Tea To Detox From Your Weekend Bender
Types Of Alcohol That Will Get You Drunk Without A Terrible Hangover

Oh boy. When we go out, we obviously go fucking hard. Like, what’s the point if you aren’t going to take shots, dance like an animal, and make irresponsible decisions? Unfortunately, when we DO go out and act completely like assholes for the evening, we feel even worse the next morning. In college we managed to avoid hangovers and drink 4-5 days in a row. Who knew we were basically superheroes? Nowadays, hangovers stop us from going hard more than like, 2-3 nights, tops—and even the mildest of hangovers requires a minimum of 48 hours recovery time. But what if I told you that there were specific DRINKS you could order that would get you fucked up BUT result in a not-so-bad or barely there hangover? The legends are true.

1. Vodka

Number one on every list for avoiding hangovers is our good Russian friend, vodka. Because it’s about 40% alcohol mixed with water with very little else (like coloring, preservatives, etc.) mixed in, hangovers are less common when you’re knocking this shit back. So, yes, continue ordering those vodka sodas for the foreseeable future.


2. Gin

Because it’s low in extra stuff added in, gin is a great option if you’re a psychopath AND want to experience a headache-free morning. Mix with a little tonic and lime for a low-cal drink that can still pack a punch.

3. Clear Liquors

As we’ve concluded with our extensive evidence on gin and vodka, really any clear alcohol (NOT BROWN) will enable you to actually attend brunch the next day without vomming on the table. Methanol is found in brown liquors and it stays in your bod loooong after the spins have subsided, making your hangover fucking unbearable.


4. Skip Anything Carbonated

Champagne, Four Lokos (what are you, 17 years old?), and you Red Bull vodkas aren’t helping your next day struggle. Basically, anything carbonated increases your rate of alcohol absorption. Which, like, is awesome while you’re drinking, but not so awesome the next morning.

5. Light Beer

Yah, it kind of makes you look like a narc, but if you insist on drinking beer at the bar then stick with the light stuff. The same rule applies with beer as with liquor—the clearer or less dark it is, the less terrible your hangover shall be.


6. White Wine

If, for some reason, wine is your jam at the bar and you’ve been seen toting around a wine glass while fist pumping and grinding on strangers (we see you, Rihanna), keeping it to the white variety can at least help your hangover the next day (no word on your dignity). Red wine has histamines that can actually make people who experience allergies feel fucking horrible the next day.

So like, in conclusion, the less you use sugary drinks and mixers, the better. The more sugar something contains, the worse your hangover will be. Stick with mixing soda water, seltzer, or just going with straight on the rocks for sippin’. Also, whiskey and dark liquors are NOTORIOUS for horrible hangovers, so skip the Jack and Coke.

May the odds be ever in your favor. 

What To Eat Before Drinking To Prevent A Hangover But Still Get Drunk

Getting wasted on a Saturday night should be the least complicated part of your life, and yet you always feel like shit afterwards, which kinda ruins the vibe of the whole next week. Whether you completely forgot to eat beforehand or you literally scarfed down an order of garlic bread two seconds before the pregame, you’ve never really nailed down the eating part of the night. In order to black out successfully without spending the next morning with your head in the toilet, you’ll need to eat something substantial before, but not anything so heavy that it would prevent you from getting drunk. Here are some of the ideal pre-drinking foods.

1. Avocado Toast

Ever wonder why it’s so damn hard to make it from your Uber to the inside of the club when you’re in heels? It’s literally like your legs literally forgot how to move and you forgot how to stand up straight. That’s because when you drink a ton of alcohol, the potassium in your body gets depleted, which can lead to dizziness and weakness in your muscles. In order to counteract that, you’ll need the B6 vitamins and healthy fats found in avocados, which is why avocado toast is perfect to eat before drinking. Plus, the bread component helps give your body some carbs so you don’t pass out after three tequila shots on an empty stomach. Just try to stick with whole wheat bread or something with fiber. It’s 2017, are you seriously still eating white bread?


2. Pita Chips & Hummus

Hummus is an underrated lifesaver when it comes to preventing hangovers. Just like avocados, chickpeas are super high in B6 vitamins, which have been proven to prevent hangovers. Chickpeas also have fiber in them, so they’ll keep you full enough to not (completely) pig out at a random diner at 3am. In terms of what to dip, raw veggies are obviously a healthier option than pita chips, but they might be hard on the stomach and make you nauseous later on. We’re not telling you to devour an entire bag of Stacy’s chips before you even put your skinny jeans on for the night, but a few chips with hummus won’t hurt, and it’s a good pregame snack anyway. 

3. Asparagus

Asparagus may not be your go-to vegetable on a Saturday night, or on any night for that matter, but it turns out asparagus is filled with amino acids and minerals that help protect your liver once you start drinking. Apparently, when you eat asparagus before taking shots, its nutrients protect your liver cells from alcohol toxins, which will prevent you from being super hungover in the morning. To make them edible, sprinkle a little olive oil over them with some salt and pepper and pop them in the oven for 45 minutes. We’re asking you to be a LITTLE less lazy, but you’ll thank us when you wake up tomorrow feeling somewhat functional.


4. An Omelet

A little breakfast for dinner never killed anyone, but no, we’re not asking you to rehash waffle and pancake night from your sorority house. Omelets are obviously healthy and pretty filling, and they’re actually really good to eat before going out. The egg whites have protein in them, which will keep you full throughout the night without making you bloated or nauseous. Plus, the yolks are filled with calcium, vitamin D, and acetylcholine, which helps your brain function when you’re eight shots deep and can’t find your friends. Add a few vegetables to the pan and you’re basically Julia Child, minus the shit ton of butter, obviously.

5. Pickles Or Olives

I know this is a weird trick, but it actually works, so it’s worth a shot. You’ve probably never wanted to snack on these foods before going out, but the sodium in pickles and olives help ward off hangovers because they automatically replenish the body with electrolytes. Usually we’re not into eating a ton of sodium before drinking because it could cause bloating, but by snacking on some pickles or olives before you go out, you’ll have enough sodium in your body to stay skinny while preventing a hangover. It also happens to be super convenient that most bars have a jar of olives for martinis. Just in case you reaaally didn’t have time before.


6. Salmon

If you’re out to dinner before a night out and you’re not sure what to order, the grilled salmon is always a good bet. Aside from the fact that salmon is filled with protein and healthy fats, it has a shit ton of B-12 vitamins, which usually get depleted in your body when you drink alcohol. B-12 has a huge effect on metabolism, mood, and blood sugar levels, so you don’t wanna start screwing with it. By eating salmon before drinking, you’re filling your body with vitamins that will help you recover tomorrow morning when you’re lying in bed regretting every second of your Snapchat story. Instead of feeling your usual Sunday morning combo of regret and nausea, you’ll just be a little less nauseous. It’s a small win, but we’ll take it.

9 Ways To Prevent A Hangover So You Might Actually Get Sh*t Done This Weekend

Ever since someone (probably a dude) figured out that drinking fermented yeast makes you feel funny, humanity has been on a noble quest to figure out how to prevent a hangover. Nerds and people who don’t understand the concept of “fun” will tell you that the easiest way to avoid a miserable morning-after is to drink less. Since the very idea of not getting wasted every weekend is unfathomable, the only proper response to this is to point and laugh.

But there’s only so much coconut water and aspirin a betch can take without going crazy, so it’s in your best interest to try to mitigate a hangover before you go out. If you take the following precautions, you might spend only three hours in bed tomorrow morning instead of the usual six. Best of luck, comrades.

1. Alternate Shots & Water

Most betches understand the science of hangovers better than anything they learned in biology class, but in case you missed it, the headache is mostly the result of dehydration. Alternate a shot of alcohol with at least a little water, and you might wake up tomorrow feeling merely gummy instead of like a desiccated corpse. Yes, you’ll be in and out of the bathroom all night, but suck it up and take some drunk selfies while you’re there.

2. Go Easy On Bubbly

According to a decent amount of research, fizzy alcohol gets you drunk faster because carbon dioxide or something. You obviously know your limits, but know that you’ll get lit way too quickly if you accept that offer to do a keg stand with Champagne.


3. Eat Dinner (A Real One)

Eating a legit dinner before you go out seems counterintuitive to me. Why would you eat a bunch of food when it’ll just soak up the alcohol and make it harder to get drunk? Plus, even clear liquors have calories, so you’ll just feel fat. Research shows that food slows the absorption of alcohol, so it’s true that you won’t get drunk as quickly as you would if you skipped dinner.

But getting drunk slower also means you won’t get wasted and puke in someone’s trashcan at the pregame—save that for when you’re rolling up to the club, where it’s totally acceptable to boot and rally (as long as you do so discretely). In the morning, you’ll hate yourself less because you didn’t go full-on blackout, and you won’t wake up starving to death. It’s a win-win.

4. Stock Up On Juice

Alcohol causes wacky blood sugar levels, so keep some juice in the fridge to help it even out in the morning. IMO, you’re totally justified in claiming you’re going on a cleanse this weekend.


5. Stick To Light Liquors

Hangover researchers (aka heroes of the modern age) think that these things called congeners make hangovers worse, and they’re found in dark alcohols like red wine and whiskey. Good thing vodka sodas are already a betchy classic.

6. Take A Vitamin

According to Harvard’s School of Public Health, which probably knows what it’s talking about, alcohol depletes your body of important stuff like vitamins. After work on Friday, run to the store for those Flintstone gummies everyone loves.


7. Get Sleep The Night Before

Half of what makes hangovers so terrible is the sheer exhaustion. Getting legit sleep after a night of drinking is pretty much impossible, but you can at least get enough sleep the night before or nap before going out. Who doesn’t enjoy an excuse to sleep more?

8. Make Brunch Plans

Above all else, make sure you have plans for brunch the next morning. After a few mimosas, you won’t even feel the hangover anymore.