New year, same hangover. If you’re reading this, you’re most likely on your couch, staring longingly at the sink, desperate for water. Your makeup is still half-on from last night (your clothes half-off), and a half-eaten slice of drunk pizza is laying on the floor next to you. Basically, you’re only half-alive at this point. Your hangover has taken over and you are seriously regretting every decision you made leading up to this point, aka that last round of tequila shots chased by Fireball: innovative in the moment, highly regrettable now. You were on top of the world last night, but you’re on the floor today. Before you lose all hope and pledge to never drink again (because we all know you’re lying) allow me to restore your faith in the world. Seriously, take a break from re-watching your own Insta story for the 10th time and get ready to refresh your hangover.
I get it, your mouth’s as dry as the Sahara Desert and you’re completely depleted of all essential electrolytes. You know you need to drink something, but what you choose to drink can be key in alleviating the effects of your killer hangover. While hydrating yourself is important, you want to get the right liquids into your system. I know Chad from Kappa Kappa Whatever once told you that “You can’t get hungover if you never stop drinking!” but that sage advice doesn’t sound very appealing when even the thought of alcohol makes you want to crawl into a freshly dug grave.
While coffee may sound like the perfect way to perk up your barren soul, caffeine is actually a diuretic and a Venti size coffee can end up increasing your current state of dehydration, which in turn will increase your current state of misery. Instead reach for one of the 20 half-drank water bottles sitting on your nightstand. If you are one of those
psychopaths people who “don’t like water”, you can also go for coconut water for a healthy source of electrolytes to rehydrate you after a night of dancing on tables and drunkenly petitioning MTV to bring back The Real World.
If you’re feeling nauseous, pretend to be British and pour yourself some fresh ginger tea. Your bad accent will amuse you and the ginger tea will rehydrate you and settle your stomach. Pedialyte is another great way to replenish your electrolyte levels and rehydrate, without consuming high amounts of sugar. Plus this way, the cashier at Target might think you have a sick baby at home, versus the look of shame when grabbing a sugar-packed sports drinks, like Gatorade, which screams hangover. So really it’s a win-win.
Breakfast Of Hungover Champions
You need food, especially if you dispelled your late-night snacks in the backseat of your Uber on the way home. Similar to hydrating yourself properly, being strategic with your breakfast can also aide in the hangover relief. So wander on over to your local greasy spoon, aka the Starbucks on the corner, and order yourself some egg bites. Eggs are rich in the amino acid cysteine, which your liver needs in order to break down the alcohol toxin acetaldehyde.
And what’s eggs without a little Sriracha? Channel your inner Beyoncé, and grab the hot sauce out of your bag. Eating something spicy can help you beat your hangover. There’s a compound in capsaicin, which is a key ingredient in most spicy foods, called substance P. Substance P contains anti-inflammatory properties, and is also used in chronic pain management, which is often how I refer to my hangovers.
First off, there is no shame in seeking relief from some classic over-the-counter meds. You hear, that douchey all-natural “my body is a temple” ex-boyfriend? Taking a pain reliever can help reduce the severity of your hangover, which in turn will make you appear less like a creature straight out of The Lord of the Rings. Even if you don’t have a headache, taking an ibuprofen can help. That’s because inflammation in your brain can cause a majority of classic hangover symptoms, like nausea, so taking an anti-inflammatory can help make your morning after all the more bearable.
However, not all pain relievers are created equal. Different medications are processed through different organs in the body. Acetaminophen (Tylenol) is broken down and metabolized almost entirely by your liver. Considering the reason that you are lying in a pool of pain and despair is because you put your liver through hell the night before, giving it more drugs to process is not the way to go. Your liver is stressed out enough, so be kind to your organs and opt for ibuprofen (Advil) instead, which is processed mainly through your kidneys. Your liver will thank you.
Get Up And Get Moving
Okay, I get it. You would rather accidentally like your ex’s new girlfriend’s 3-month-old Instagram post than crawl out of your blanket fort. But, doing light exercise, like walking to the fridge, strolling to the mailbox, or striking a warrior pose and then dubbing yourself a yogi guru, can help boost your body’s metabolism. Partaking in some basic movement gets your blood circulating at a faster rate than when you’re sitting. The faster you circulate blood through your liver, the faster your body will remove the toxins, thus the faster you’ll come back to life.
Okay, so go throw on your oversized pair of sunglasses and get your ass to brunch. Get up and get moving, order yourself a coconut water, some eggs benedict, and get the phone number of that super-hot waiter you’re staring at. Your body will bounce back just in time for you to go out and destroy your liver all over again! Doesn’t that sound like fun?
It’s a new year, don’t settle for the same hangover.
Images: Shutterstock.com; Giphy (4)
Oh boy, Halloweekend is over, and you’re probably too scared to even look in the mirror at the moment, let alone show up at work. Whether you’re currently regretting all the Fireball shots you chased with mini Kit Kats, your hookup with some tool in a Donald Trump costume, or your brilliant idea to debut your entire shit-show of a night on your Snapchat story, you’ve put your body through a lot, and you’re struggling with the pain of Monday morning sobriety. You’ve had your fun and eaten your fair share of candy, but now it’s time to get your shit together. Here’s how to recover your body from its current state of Halloween horror.
1. Drink Water
Fucking duh. Water is the universally accepted hangover cure, and as such, it does wonders for your headaches, dehydration, and any post-drinking digestion issues. If you’ve been getting your fluids from sketchy punch and vodka sodas all weekend, your body is in desperate need of water, so start chugging. Water has been proven to cure hangovers since ancient times (I assume), and if you forgot to drink some before going to bed, it’s not too late to start now. If you’re an overachiever, add some lemon and ginger to help soothe your stomach and get your metabolism moving again. If it keeps Kourtney Kardashian skinny after three births, chances are it’ll help you out after this weekend.
2. Throw Out The Candy
If you woke up this morning with candy corn in your bed, you’ve overdone it on the Halloween candy, and it’s not the time to store the extras in your desk drawer or buy fun sized Twix bars on sale at CVS. There’s a reason adults don’t go trick-or-treating, and it’s not because we have better things to do. Well, it sort of is, but it’s MOSTLY because we don’t have the metabolism we had at age eight. Sorry. Just get rid of your candy so you won’t be tempted to eat it all week. You can even offer it to your neighbor as a peace treaty for all the times they’ve told you to keep the noise down. Works like a charm.
3. Get Some Sleep
This tip seems pretty obvious, but for some reason people think their bodies won’t mind if they run on less than five hours of sleep for like, two weeks straight. If you got no sleep this weekend, you owe it to your body to put down the Red Bull (yes, and the Adderall) and rest up, even if that means calling in for a sick day, or worse—cancelling happy hour plans. When your body is deprived of sleep, not only are you lacking energy, but your brain tries to compensate by telling you you’re hungry, so you end up craving junk food and chocolate all day. Oh, and coffee doesn’t count. Get some sleep.
4. Eat Omega-3’s
We don’t usually believe in the power of superfoods or magical ingredients, but omega-3’s are the shit. End of story. A lot of people take omega-3 supplements to help with weight loss and skin care, but you can get enough of them just by eating the right foods. Things like salmon, walnuts, and flax seeds are all packed with omega-3’s, and you’ll notice a difference within a few days of eating them. Omega-3’s help fight inflammation, protect your body from viruses, and even help prevent breakouts. If you’re feeling gross from your weekend drinking bender, stop Googling SkinnyTeas and start making some salmon. You’ll thank us.
5. Limit Dairy Intake
As much as we love our daily Sweetgreen salad with extra feta, try to eliminate dairy from your diet as much as you can, at least for the next few days. If you tend to feel bloated from drinking and your skin is prone to breakouts, eating a lot of dairy will only make those symptoms worse. To make your body feel and look better after this weekend, cut out the dairy, and try to stick to whole grains, lean protein sources, and healthy fats (see: the salmon argument). You might not be straight-up lactose intolerant, but most people have trouble digesting dairy like other foods, so you might as well make things easier on your body right now and just avoid.
6. Sweat That Shit Out
And finally, the advice that no one wants to hear, but seems pretty inevitable. If you feel like shit after one too many tequila shots, you can chug a Poland Spring bottle and eat a slice of whole grain toast, but there’s nothing better for your body than breaking a sweat. You might feel nauseous and slightly suicidal, but take an Advil, put on your sports bra, and suck it up. (Words I live by tbh.) Book a bike, go on a run, sign up for yoga—we don’t care. Just do a workout that will allow your body to sweat out the toxins it’s accumulated over the weekend. It’ll probably suck and you’ll want to cry or vomit (or both), but you’ll end up feeling and looking so much better. Obviously not right away, but like, maybe after a shower.
As a soon-to-be 26-year-old, definitely the worst part about being on the wrong side of 25 has got to be that I’m about to lose my health insurance my hangovers are debilitating. I’m talking about a full 72-hour affair. First, there’s the general hangover that comes with all the nausea, headaches, fatigue, and praying for the sweet release of death. Then the next day I’m still congested af and sneezing up what I assume are the remnants of my terrible life choices, and on top of that I’m still tired. THEN, I’m still tired for a good day after that, just in time for the weekend to roll around and for me to start drinking again. What’s a borderline alcoholic girl to do? Thankfully, science and frat bros with their parents’ money entrepreneurs have got our back. I’ve tried just about every hangover cure there is, aside from abstaining from alcohol, so I’m going to tell you about the best ones.
1. Morning Recovery
This stuff comes in a tiny bottle that’s only a little bigger than your average container of 5-Hour Energy, which is good for people like me who don’t enjoy swallowing massive amounts of liquid. (And I wonder why I’m single.) It’s basically got a bunch of chemical compounds that are supposed to boost your body’s natural response to alcohol—shit like milk thistle, prickly pear, and something called DHM that sounds like the main ingredients of a capsule I ingested this weekend at EZoo. You’re supposed to go out and do what you normally would do, come home and drink Morning Recovery, and then enjoy your next day hangover-free. However, because I’m a delinquent, I drank this shit while I was pregaming (which they say you can also do), and I think the effects were still the same. I went to EZoo, drank copious amounts of Heineken and tequila, and still woke up hangover-free, even without the initial headache and residual nausea I usually get from my typical two glasses of wine at happy hour. As an extra bonus, Morning Recovery is giving Betches readers a discount if you use the code BETCHES10 at checkout!
I ordered this shit off GoFundMe because I’m forever chasing a way to avoid consequences for my actions. Sue me. Mentis is similar to Morning Recovery in that it contains a bunch of ingredients I can’t pronounce and don’t care to understand, and it basically has a lot of supplements and shit to help your body repair itself. It comes in a little packet much like your regular Emergen-C and you pour it into water and drink the water. The main difference here is, you NEED to take it BEFORE you start drinking. Seems easy enough unless you’re me and start drinking at 3pm most days and don’t bring your Mentis to brunch. Oh well. I tried this, and I also felt like I avoided a hangover which was pretty impressive considering I mixed a lot of types of alcohol and had a tequila soda at like, 1:30am because I’m a psychopath with no regard for my own life. The only downside to this stuff is that while the peach flavor is good, this shit is chalky as hell. It was v hard to choke down the whole glass. But I’d take that over being immobile and marathoning five straight hours of Parks and Rec on a gorgeous 80-degree Sunday any day.
3. Eat A Burger
I’ve only recently discovered that eating a burger before I go out drinking will save me from a debilitating hangover the next day. And science backs me up on this, so stay with me here. The protein from the meat has amino acids and B vitamins that help you process the undesirable byproducts of alcohol, and eating a meal that consists of carbs, fat, and protein helps you metabolize the alcohol. You might feel bloated and disgusting, but science didn’t tell you to order the side of fries over the salad, so it sounds like this is a personal problem.
4. Take An Advil
Even if you don’t have a headache, it’s not a bad idea to take an ibuprofen before bed to reduce inflammation caused by alcohol. Plus, that extra sip of water required for you to swallow the pill probably doesn’t hurt either. However, you need to make sure that you’re taking ibuprofen and NOT acetaminophen. I always get the two confused and used to take them interchangeably until my friend yelled at me, because it’s a TERRIBLE idea. Drinking on acetaminophen (and even taking it the day after drinking) can lead to liver damage, which is precisely the organ you want to protect if you want alcohol to remain a part of your life. Just so you remember, acetaminophen is Tylenol and ibuprofen is Advil. Bookmark this page for later; you’re welcome.
5. Don’t Black Out
Apologies for sounding like a MADD presentation, but in my (very extensive) experience the only way to guarantee I don’t have a terrible hangover is to not black out. Once I experience memory loss, I’m fucked. Obviously there’s no science to speak to this because scientists are lame and can’t hang, but like, this would be my personal recommendation to you. Get wasted, just don’t black out, and maybe there’s a shred of hope for you and all the errands you have to run tomorrow.
6. Drink A Ton Of Water
Groundbreaking, I know. But the best way to prevent AND cure your hangover is to drink a ton of water. Alternate water in between your drinks. Drink water before you go to bed. Then, the next day, drink water every time you think you’re hungry. (Spoiler alert: You’re probably just thirsty.) And luckily for you, our best-selling water bottles are back in stock! These stainless steel water bottles will keep your water (or other beverages… we won’t tell) cool so you don’t vom when you take a big sip. They’re Champagne in color and say “Not Not Hungover”…just like you. They’re back in stock so buy them here!
You wake up, slowly. Open one eye and survey last night’s damage. Pounding headache. Nausea. A cut on your right kneecap, when the fuck did that happen? Face and pillowcase full of smeared makeup. Oops, one shoe still on. At least you’re in your own bed, although you can’t quite remember getting home. Pretty standard Saturday and/or Sunday morning.
Every self-respecting betch has figured out her signature hangover cure by now. Some have their scrambled eggs down to an art form. Others head straight to brunch and re-tox on mimosas and Bloody Marys. Russian betches eat pickles. Stoner betches light up.
You’re all doing it wrong.
My nutritionist (yes, I have a nutritionist, get over it) has imparted such wisdom that we should probably turn her clinic into some kind of altar. Betches all around the world will embark on pilgrimages to worship at her desk.
The best way to kill a hangover is to eat a salad.
How is this possible, you may ask. Why are all the brunch places serving up aesthetically-pleasing eggs and carbs when our hangovers could all be broken by a bowl of leafy greens? Answer: Because they’re fucking dumb too.
It actually makes sense if you think about it. Vegetables are packed full of water. Water is what your poor abused body needs. Chop up some lettuce or baby spinach or whatever and mix with any and all vegetables you have in the fridge. Bonus if it’s cucumber and celery which are like 80 percent water. Add healthy fats such as avocado and olive oil to help with the “healing process”—yes, she actually called it that.
You also get the bonus of not feeling like a cow after consuming several thousand alcohol calories and a heavy brunch in the same 24 hours.
I was skeptical too, betches. But trust me. This shit actually works. You’re welcome.
It’s a given that there’s a huge difference in your alcohol tolerance and the severity of your hangover since you first started stealing from your parent’s liquor stash. As a teen, your liver was a champ, making you feel invincible the next morning. Fast forward to being 20-something, and you’re probs black out after like, one shot. The idea of opening your eyes the next day seems unthinkable unless you have an IV of water injected into your bloodstream. I wish this was an exaggeration but, I know this is def the story of your life because like, same. That fourth shot of Fireball always sounds like a phenom’ idea until you’re hating yourself after waking up next to cold pizza in last night’s outfit and forgetting every Snapchat you sent to your Tinder guy. What’s worse is rebelliously drinking on a weekday because karma is a bitch the next day, you still have to go to fucking work. Although you don’t have the capability and energy to do a full face of makeup when you’re hungover AF, there’s no way you’re leaving the house with it. Here’s how to look like a rockstar just by doing the bare minimum so you can
be appear like a functioning member of society.
Water, Advil, And Primer (In That Order)
In order to even get out of bed, you’re going to need to chug a shit ton of water because your brain needs it more than you rn. Pop a couple of Advils and let’s just focus on getting through the day without voming on everyone who crosses your path. Now that you’re standing in front of the mirror and trying not to make eye contact with your own reflection, you’re going to need to start with the Too Faced Hangover Replenishing Face Primer. Since Too Faced just gets us, this primer is literally made to repair our face from alcohol’s damage. Infused with coconut water, the primer will restore your skin’s shine and hydration so you don’t feel and look like paper mâché.
Use Under-Eye Concealer
You’re ready to begin looking like the upstanding citizen you are. It’s like we just know you or something because luckily, we’ve already compiled the best under-eye concealers that cost less than the organic salad you eat for lunch everyday. Pick your choice and use generously so you don’t look like you’ve aged 20 years overnight. Seriously, use it or you’ll probs look like this:
Rub A BB Cream All Over
We want to skip any powder-based makeup because you don’t want your skin to dry out more than it already has. The Diorskin Nude BB Creme is just what you need for minimal coverage that hydrates and covers any blemishes you got overnight since you def passed out with your makeup on (again). Find the shade that’s right for your skin tone, because discoloration is not cute, and apply to areas that need the most TLC. Blend with a liquid foundation brush instead of your finger to ensure your bullshit of a makeup job doesn’t look worse than what we started with.
Get A Contour Stick
To keep it quick and easy, lightly contour using the v convenient Wander Beauty On-The-Glow Bronzer and Illuminator. The nausea isn’t going to disappear right away but you can at least fix how pale you look. Assuming you know how to contour only because I don’t feel like explaining tbh, use the matte bronzer that’s best for your skin tone in the hollow of your cheekbones, on your forehead, and sides of your nose. This will restore some of your natural glow. Finish with the attached highlighter on the areas that always seem to get oily first—the center of your forehead, bridge of your nose, chin, and upper cheeks. Blend seamlessly using a beautyblender. Common sense, right? By this point, you should start looking like a person again.
Swipe Some Eyeshadow And Layer Up On Mascara
Hide last night’s smokey eye with just a tad of eyeshadow. Find a color that’s neutral or nude so that it comes off as natural-looking instead of clownlike. You’ll want to line your inner eye with the same color so you look ten times more awake than you really feel. Then layer on the best mascara ever, bareMinerals Flawless Definition Mascara, for long volumized lashes. Without mascara, none of this is really worth it, so apply as many coats as you need to feel functional.
Lastly, all you need is some chapstick and your fave nude lip gloss before heading out the door. Don’t forget to wear sunglasses all day, even inside is somewhat acceptable for obvious reasons, and everyone will know not to speak to you. This was fun, though so, while you telling yourself that you’re never drinking again, until next time this weekend, betch.
READ: The Best Workouts To Do If You’re Hungover
Whether you spent your long weekend taking poolside tequila shots or eating lobster rolls while scouting out the underwhelming crowd at Gurney’s, you currently feel like shit. I mean, it makes sense. When you start drinking vodka out of a water bottle on the LIRR Friday afternoon and don’t stop until late Tuesday night, you can expect to feel pretty shitty for a few days afterwards. Fourth of July was a sick time and you got 200 likes on your American flag bikini Insta, but now you’re getting back to reality and it’s time to get your body back on track. Here’s how to recover from your Fourth of July drinking bender.
1. Cut The Salt, Chug The Water
You might notice that aside from being colossally hungover and in need of a new phone and/or Snapchat identity, you’re also bloated as fuck. I mean, the amount of sodium and empty calories in your beer and hot dog intake is probably the reason, but it’s nothing that can’t be fixed. By cutting out salty foods this week and drinking as much water as you can, you’ll start flushing unwanted toxins out of your body and you’ll slowly notice yourself getting less bloated by the day. I mean, your food might be bland and your bathroom runs might increase, but it’s worth it. We saw you at that buffet when everyone else was watching the fireworks. You had your fun.
2. Get A Good Night’s Sleep
Another reason for feeling so gross is lack of sleep. I mean, there’s no chance you got your recommended 7-9 hours per night when you were drunk-eating a family size bag of Doritos after the club at 4am, so don’t pretend you’re on a normal sleep cycle. Take this week to actually get into bed at a reasonable hour, put your phone away, and go the fuck to sleep. Also, many studies show that lack of sleep makes your body crave junk food, so you’ll actually make healthier food choices during the day when you get more sleep at night. Can’t argue with that.
3. Do A HIIT Workout
We totally get that you don’t want to drag your hungover body out of bed to make it to the gym, but doing a quick HIIT workout at home will actually make you feel (and look) a lot better. High intensity interval training raises your heart rate in short intervals, so your body is actually burning calories during the workout and afterwards. The science behind it is called EPOC, and it’s basically about how when your body works super hard for a short amount of time, then your body has to restore oxygen for up to 24 hours afterwards. Studies have proven that even a 15- or 20-minute workout will do the trick, so I’d start now if I were you.
4. Eat Real Meals
This might sound stupid, but simply eating real meals with whole foods will help your body recover from the damage you’ve done to it this weekend. Your body is used to eating substantial meals, so when you put it through 3-5 days of vodka for breakfast and rosé for dinner, it might be a bit confused. Focus on eating real meals for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and you’ll automatically start feeling better. Also make sure those meals aren’t coming from a frozen box or like, a McDonald’s dollar menu.
5. Be (Slightly) Less Social
We’re not telling you to cancel plans every night this week, but if you’re still feeling nauseous and bloated from this weekend, it’s probably not the best week for happy hour and late-night dinners every night. Staying on track when you’re out is hard enough, so adding a pitcher of sangria and three bowls of tortilla chips in the mix is just not helping your case. The happy hour frosé and unlimited guac bowls will still be available all summer, so take these few nights to cook for yourself and relax alc-free. Like, if Martha Stewart could do it for five months, you can do it for a week, but if you HAVE to drink, we stand by our BBQ advice and say just have everything on the rocks. Meaning no vodka sodas, yes vodka on the rocks with a fuck ton of limes—that way there’s no carbonated sodas to bloat you even further. And if you’re going to drink, drink a TON of water too. Sounds less fun, probs not worth it, but that’s for you to decide.
6. Get Your Hands On Some Ginger
Whether you’re taking a wellness shot with ginger and cayenne, or just ordering an extra side of ginger with your rice-less sushi roll, a little ginger goes a long way with healing bloating, nausea, and inflammation. It might not taste as good as the red wine you’ve been chugging all weekend, but it’ll seriously help you out and you’ll thank us when you feel like a human again. I mean, we know this info literally goes down the drain once you’re ready to rally again next weekend, but try to get some ginger in your system before you buy your liver its goodbye gift.
Read: How To Detox From Your Fourth Of July Blackout
Betches have long been drinking green juice after a drinking bender to feel healthy. Unfortunately for us when we’re already suppressing our gag reflex, veggie juices can be hella disgusting. Unless you’re a crunchy wook-vegan-nature-loving-tree hugger, don’t spew that shit at me about how you can feeeeeeel the toxins draining from your body while you try not to chew that yam and carrot concoction you call a juice. Spare me. We both know you’re miserable. Of course, if a betch needs a lil detox boost, some veggie juices are better than others. If you don’t own a fancy juicer and aren’t likely to drop the bucks on a $600 machine you’ll use on and off for a month before giving up, here are our favorite veggie juices so you can look fetch in your bikini this summer.
1. ZÜPA NOMA Organic Tomatillo Jalapeño
At just 80 calories for the whole bottle, you’re going to want to stock up on these. As far as a green juice goes, it’s totally different, and the whole gang of ZÜPA NOMA drinks are actually classified as drinkable soups, not juices. Stick with us even though it sounds gross. Instead of an oddly sweet vegetal concoction, this shit is like drinking the finest green bloody mary mix known to
man betch. Plus, all the other flavors (like organic cucumber avocado fennel, organic tomato gazpacho, etc.) are savory and delicious.
2. Jamba Juice Great Greens
If you’re someone who still, for whatever reason, goes to Jamba Juice,
go finish the 8th grade getchu a Great Greens smoothie. A small will deliver three servings of veggies to your hungover body, including cucumber, kale, and spinach. Plus there’s like, fiber and shit, so you’ll feel full and less likely to reach for a cheeseburger later.
3. BluePrint Green Juice
Kale, apples, ginger, romaine, cucumber and more come together for this shit which isn’t as sweet as other green juices. The $9 price tag may turn you off, but the lack of sugar, additives, and gagging make it a welcome addition to the list. Plus, it’s only got 130 calories and is 100% real juice.
4. Juice Press Mother Earth
This one from Juice Press blends celery, cucumber, kale, chard, and more for a really, really, really veggie-blasting drink. It may be a little extreme in taste (like, there’s NO sweet factor), but it’s not bad and is only 70 calories, so…grab this.
5. Evolution Fresh Sweet Greens
If you just looooveeee the taste of veggies, grab this off the shelf. Apparently, Evolution Fresh were some of the first green juice makers, so they’re totally legit. There’s a lot of parsley and lemon in this one, though, so if you’re not all about that herbal life, skip.
6. O2Living Green Vitality
A 16 oz bottle of this shit has 140 calories and only 6 grams of sugar. It isn’t super sweet, has cucumber and fennel which we fucking dig, and will help keep you full. Blessings.
7. Odwalla Groovin’ Greens
If you crave sweetness to cut the chugging of green juices, opt for Odwalla. Yah, there’s 36 grams of sugar, but you can blame the tropical pineapple, mango, and apple juices for that. It’s also only 150 calories for the bottle, which, honestly, counts as a meal when I’m struggling.
While even the slightest hangover will have us clutching our Gatorade and Advil as if our lives depended upon it, there are some things an excess of hydration unfortunately can’t fix. This includes the $50 charge you incurred for vomiting in an Uber, the intense breakout across your entire face brought on by going to bed with a full contour, and all the destruction caused to various people and establishments throughout the night—most importantly, to our future selves. While the “hair of the dog” approach may work when it comes to hungover boozy brunch, very rarely is an excess of drunk texts to your ex ever fixed by sending them more texts the next day. Sometimes, after a night of drunken antics, sometimes the best thing we can hope for is that everyone else’s recollection is as hazy as yours is, meaning you can’t be fully held accountable for your actions. If there was even one moderately sober person on the dance floor when you decided it was a good time to remove your bra and start screaming “FREE THE NIPPLE!!” then you’re screwed. With that in mind, here are the 10 hangover cures we actually need in our lives, because TBH the damage extends way beyond our livers.
1. An Un-Call Button That Will Erase The 47 Times You Tried To Contact Your Ex
2. A Stomach Pump To Remove The Full Pizza Covered In Mac & Cheese You Ate At 3AM
3. A Cancel Button For Those Brunch Plans You Made While Heart-To-Hearting With Someone You Have Zero Interest In Hanging Out With Sober
4. A Return Policy For The Three Rounds Of Shots You Bought When You Were Feeling Particularly Rich And Generous When You’re Actually Neither Of Those Things
5. A Delete Option For Terrible Drunk Photos Of You Taken On Other People’s Cameras
6. A Hypnotist To Make Everyone Who Watched The Entirely Of Your 95 Second Long Snapstory Forget Everything They Saw
7. A Fruit Basket To Send To Everyone You Tried To Fight Because They Looked At Your Friend.
8. A City-Wide Lost And Found Effort That Will Deliver Your Jacket, Purse, And Credit Card Directly To Your Apartment From Three Separate Locations
9. An Electric Collar To Wear Out That Will Shock You When You Touch Anyone Under A 5
10. A Time Travel Machine So Your Monday Self Can Travel Back And Slap That Fifth Tequila Shot Out Of Your Hands Since You Were Already Blackout By That Point
Check out our ultimate weekend playlist here!