This Couple’s ‘Handmaid’s Tale’ Wedding Photos Are Hilariously Awful

Remember back in June when Kylie Jenner hosted a Handmaid’s Tale themed birthday party for her good friend Stassie Karanikolaou and everyone was like, “wow what a bizarre and off-base interpretation of a show about female oppression?” Well, one Canadian couple saw that backlash and said, “hold our champagne.” A photo of newlyweds Kendra and Torsten’s (of course their names are Kendra and Torsten) Handmaid’s Tale-themed wedding is going viral, and not really for anything good. I have so many questions. Namely, have these two ever seen The Handmaid’s Tale?

Originally posted by wedding photography company Van Daele and Russell, the couple apparently went with the “dystopian oppression” theme for their photos because they’re from Cambridge, Ontario and the show is filmed in Cambridge, Ontario. But you know what else was filmed in Cambridge, Ontario? The Celine Dion biopic. Why not have a Celine Dion-themed wedding? That would be way more appropriate (and glamorous) than whatever the f*ck this is.

 

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Praise be! Kendra & Torsten are married! 🙏🏻 If there’s any @handmaidsonhulu fans out there, you’ll know most of it is filmed in Cambridge! So, as fans of the show, it only seemed fitting for there to be some Handmaids in K&T’s wedding photos along the ‘hanging wall’ in Mill Race Park! 🤣🙏🏻👌🏼📸 . . . #handmaidstale #handmaid #handmaidsonhulu #handmaidstaleseason3 #cambridgemill #wedding #weddingphotography #weddingphotographer #couplegoals #weddingwire #weddingwirecanada #theknot #weddingbells #funwedding #vandaelecouple #praisebe #couplegoals #picoftheday #weddingday

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(Screenshot below because I have a feeling this won’t be up on Instagram for much longer.)

handmaid's tale wedding

The problems with this wedding theme should be immediately obvious to anyone who has even heard of the show, but let’s break it down, shall we? First up, the setting of this photo is literally the “hanging wall” where women are murdere for infractions such as “being gay” and “gossiping at the grocery store.” Not really the fairytale ideal for kicking off your life as a married couple. Also it’s kind of a boring backdrop without all the blood and dead bodies. Just sayin’, if you’re gonna go “hanging wall” for your wedding photos, why not go all the way?

Second of all, the institution of marriage in Handmaid’s Tale is totally horrific. For those who don’t watch the show, men in Gilead are assigned a wife (presumably the bride here) and a handmaid (who I guess are the bridesmaids?). Every month there is a “ceremony” in which the wife holds down the handmaid while the husband has sex with her (also known as “rape”) in hopes of getting her pregnant. When the handmaid does get pregnant, the married couple then steals her baby and sends her away so she can never see the child again. This is the relationship they’re trying to evoke between the bride, groom, and bridesmaids in this picture. How romantic.

Now, I’m not saying fans can’t have any fun with Handmaid’s Tale. The show deals with some pretty intense themes, but ultimately it is still fiction and none of the horrors it depicts are real events or happening to real people, but for a wedding theme? That’s gonna be a no from me. Yes, handmaid costumes are now a pretty familiar site at protests, and there’s nothing wrong with popping on a red cloak and a hat for halloween, but dressing your bridal party up as rape victims feels like a bridge too far.

That said, now that this photo has been released, I need 1,000% more information about this wedding. How far did the Hadmaid’s Tale theme go? Was it just the photos, or did this extend to the entire wedding? Did guests say “Blessed be the fruit” upon arrival? Did they dress the wedding planner up as Aunt Lydia to keep people in line? Did the maid of honor have her clitoris removed? Was the ceremony…a Ceremony? Most importantly, did the entire event end with the bride looking directly to camera while Jackson 5 or some other early sixties bop plays in the background? Because if they are really fans of the show then they’ll know that is the only way to end anything to do with Handmaid’s Tale.

That said, if they used the series’ soundtrack as a guide, the dance floor was probably lit. If guests were even allowed to dance, that is.

Images: vandalaeandrussell / Instagram

What Now? ‘The Handmaid’s Tale’ Season 4 Predictions

This week was the season three finale of The Handmaid’s Tale, and after a lackluster, dragged-out season, we finally got our reward for sticking it out. The finale gave me everything I want from a dramatic finale—I cried, and honestly that’s all I’m looking for out of finales. I lost count of the number of times my jaw hit the floor, and at one point I spilled an entire glass full of Sauvignon Blanc on my new mattress. At some point June went from being a Handmaid to a mob boss, but like a good mob boss, you know?

I breathed a sigh of relief as the other Handmaids appeared from the mist to carry June’s bleeding body through the woods and giddily texted a friend “WHAT NOW!?” as the credits started rolling. So…what now? Well I’m obviously not a Hulu exec, but I have some predictions for The Handmaid’s Tale season 4.

June Isn’t Going Anywhere

The plane is gone, and with it, June’s opportunity of flying out of Gilead. But here’s the thing about June: she’s the star so like…she’s not going to be killed off. If Elisabeth Moss was considering pulling a Steve Carrell à la The Office and departing her well-rated show before we’re given a satisfying ending, more time would have been spent building up the story line of one of the other peripheral characters, but nobody has been built up enough to take over the mighty shoes that June would leave behind.

Rita, Emily & Moira Will Slay

Rita is a boss-ass bitch too, and hopefully we’ll get a lot more of her in season 4, as well as more of Moira, who we were kind of cheated out of this season, what with only a few memorable scenes. In regards to Emily, I could not be happier about Alexis Bledel’s career trajectory. Like, who knew Rory Gilmore could act like that!? She can like, really act! For that reason I think (and hope) we get more of Emily next season.

Commander Lawrence’s Reprise

So the plane is gone, and with it a whole slew of Marthas and a sh*t ton of kids. It’s inevitable that The Handmaid’s Tale season 4 premiere will open with all the commanders and all the wives waking up and discovering that all of their precious little stolen children are missing, like Christmas morning in Whoville, only the Grinch won’t be held responsible this time. Commander Lawrence stayed behind in a final act of bravery, and I predict he’ll take the blame and coincidentally the glory for June’s work and definitely be hung on the wall, which is sad but also let us not forget it’s largely his fault everyone’s in this situation. He’s like the friend who suggests going to a terrible restaurant then takes all the glory when he picks up the check…like yeah you should pay for it because you’re the only goddamn reason we’re here.

With Lawrence potentially out of the picture, his big Frankensteiny mansion will just be sitting there rotting. Location is everything when it comes to real estate and Gilead is no longer the hot place to be buying! Even if Lawrence ends up keeping his life, and his book- and probably roach-filled house, I don’t think we’ve seen the last of that house yet. June and the other Handmaids will make it their headquarters/hideout, because after all, everyone in Gilead will assume they’re gone along with everyone else. June is known to be the boss bitch on the block and if they’re assuming she’s the brains behind this heist they’ll assume she was the first one on that plane too.

Aunt Lydia v June: Two Enter, One Leaves

With that sneaky bitch Aunt Lydia snooping around like your little sister sniffing out your brand new Abercrombie clothes in high school, she’s bound to be a problem, and we’ve waited three full seasons for that showdown of the century, Aunt Lydia Vs. June. Maybe Aunt Lydia will turn Lawrence style, or maybe she’ll make it her personal mission to take down June—either way it’s going to make a killer episode. With surprisingly little mention about Hannah in the finale, June will return her laser focus on getting her daughter back like a college sophomore with a re-upped Adderall prescription, so Aunt Lydia is sure to get in the way.

Canada’s Done Playing

This is the second consecutive Handmaid’s finale we’ve watched June just barely miss her escape, but like a phoenix from the ashes, or your drunk friend that throws up before getting her second wind, June will rise again and be stronger than ever. After all, there are still kids left in Gilead and June is setting herself up to be the hero of the future history books. She’ll help get more women and children out with no regard to her own personal safety, she’s clearly decided this cause is worth her life and it’s making for such a better viewing experience. With all of these new arrivals in Canada they’re not going to be able to ignore what’s happening in Gilead, and maybe we’ll get an invasion of some sort, with Luke, Emily, Moira and Rita all campaigning to get June back who knows how far they’ll go?

Orange Is The New Waterfords

Watching the demise of the Waterfords unfold should be a joy ride we’ve all earned. With Serena getting re-arrested and losing her immunity, I can’t help but feel giddy that we’ll get to see her behind bars with the people she tortured in Gilead on the other side. Imagine June visiting a locked up Serena!? It’s all too damn much and I can’t wait for it. Mr. Waterford is a genuine piece of sh*t, and he’ll make sure Serena rots along side him, and while part of me feels bad for her, she’s like….a terrible person, plus she’s such an amazing actress, can you imagine the monologues she’ll deliver from her orange jumpsuit? Seeing as baby Nichole has literally no Waterford blood and it’s now out in the open, I think the days of worrying about her going back to them are in the past, bless up. I’m also super excited for Nick’s reprise, partly because of his newly uncovered mysterious past, mostly because he’s so goddamn hot.

I guess we’ll have to wait until season four premieres to really know what’s going to go down in Gilead, and hopefully we don’t have to sit though 10 f*cking episodes to wait for it get good again, but frankly it could be 13 episodes of Elisabeth Moss staring directly into camera and I would still tune in. Until then, under his eye.

Images: Hulu; Giphy (5)

Already Miss ‘The Handmaid’s Tale’? 5 Chilling Dystopian Novels By Women

Siobhan Adcock is the author of the novels, The Barter and The Completionist. Her short fiction has been published in Triquarterly and The Massachusetts Review, and her essays and humor writing have appeared in Salon, The Daily Beast, and Huffington Post. She lives with her husband and daughter in Brooklyn.

You’ve devoured all three seasons of Hulu’s award-winning drama. You’ve read the classic Margaret Atwood novel on which it’s based. You’ve surfed the wide, exciting wave of feminist dystopian fiction that has flooded bookstores, from justly praised bestsellers like Naomi Alderman’s The Power and Leni Zumas’s Red Clocks to lesser-known but powerful examples like The End We Start From by Megan Hunter, The Water Cure by Sophie Mackintosh, and Mother of Invention by Caeli Wolfson Widger. (Maybe you’ve even read my own feminist dystopian novel, The Completionist.)

And you’ve still got that itch to scratch, that need, that fever…and not for more cowbell. No. What you want are even more scorching feminist visions of the hideous, inescapable future that seems to be hurtling us toward, if we’re not there already, with every day of rising maternal mortality, normalized sexual violence, curtailed reproductive freedoms, and toxic masculinity.

Well, I have good news and bad news. The bad news is, women continue to face violence, discrimination, predation, and the rollback of basic freedoms while earning 50 to 70 cents on the dollar compared to men. The good news is, all of this seems to be producing some incredible works of speculative fiction. Ya win some, ya lose some, I guess.

For better or for worse—but mostly, it seems, for the better—the wave that started with the 2016 election shows no sign of slowing down. Here are a few of the new and upcoming books by women writers presenting an unflinching, often enraging vision of a future that, at times, can bear an unsettling resemblance to our present. Read these while you wait for season four of The Handmaid’s Tale, and the long-awaited release of Atwood’s sequel, The Testaments, this fall.

The Farm by Joanne Ramos

Imagine a future in which surrogate motherhood becomes a luxury capitalist enterprise, a kind of Gilead driven by dollars rather than Bible verses, and you’ll have taken a first step into Ramos’s novel. Women willing to serve as surrogates (many of them low-income or women of color) are offered the handsomely paid opportunity to live in a posh “gestational retreat,” but the catch is, their every move, morsel, and emotion are monitored in order to produce perfect babies. The novel’s heroine, a Filipina single mother named Jane, is a worthy successor to Offred.

Oval by Elvia Wilk

In a near-future Berlin, a young scientist, Anja, lives with her artist/influencer boyfriend, Louis, in a disintegrating house on an artificial mountain, part of an experimental corporate-owned “sustainable” community that is manifestly anything but sustainable. The same corporation that employs Anja and owns their house also acquires the rights to a new drug Louis is working on, called Oval, that may improve humankind’s capacity for kindness…or inspire a collapse. Wryly funny, dark, and smart, Oval is squarely in the tradition of Margaret Atwood’s other dystopian masterpiece, the Madaddam trilogy.

Tentacle by Rita Indiana

This thrilling dystopian/historical mashup of a novel by a Dominican author begins in a post-apocalypse Caribbean, where income inequality fostered by environmental disaster has run to its most rampant extremes. Acilde, a former sex worker turned housekeeper who is saving up for an injection that will reassign her gender to male, is unexpectedly thrown back in time to the colonial Caribbean, with the opportunity to save the ocean from devastation. But to dismiss this as a time travel novel is to diminish its exhilarating blend of post-colonial criticism, queer politics, humor, and pop culture (including emojis) as artistic expression.

The Future of Another Timeline by Annalee Newitz

Purely by coincidence, yes, this is another feminist time travel novel, due out in September 2019. But Newitz, an award-winning author of speculative fiction and nonfiction, steers this traditional sci-fi trope in an exciting direction: A young woman living in a dangerous near-future, determined to fix the injustices of the past and protect other young women like herself, must fight for the power to create positive change that actually lasts. (If that sounds familiar, you might have been reading AOC’s Twitter feed.)

Motherland by Lauren Beukes

The new novel by bestselling author Beukes, coming in May 2020, takes place after a global pandemic has almost wiped out the global male population. Cole, a single mother of a young boy, is on the run through an America cruelly transformed by shifts in power, where men are a protected class. Like Naomi Alderman’s bestselling feminist dystopian novel The Power, in which women develop the ability to wield a mysterious electromagnetic force that has startling effects on men—and the power they wield—this novel looks to be set in a world in which gender dynamics have flipped, but not necessarily for the good.

Siobhan Adcock is the author of the novels, The Barter and The Completionist. Her short fiction has been published in Triquarterly and The Massachusetts Review, and her essays and humor writing have appeared in Salon, The Daily Beast, and Huffington Post. She lives with her husband and daughter in Brooklyn.

Imags: Hulu

Kylie Jenner’s Most Insane Parties Ranked By Extraness

No matter what you think about the Kardashians and Jenners, you can’t deny that they throw incredible parties. And by incredible, I mean incredibly over-the-top. In the world of Kylie Jenner and fam, more is more, and there’s nothing Kylie loves more than going all the way (and then some) with a party theme. It’s a shame Kylie never went to college, because she would have taken sorority mixers to the next level.

This Saturday, August 10th, is Kylie Jenner’s 22nd birthday, and she’s off in Europe celebrating on a $250 million yacht, naturally. And that’s after Travis Scott literally filled her entire house with rose petals. This birthday might end up being her most lavish event yet, and that’s saying something. In honor of Kylie’s special day, we’re taking a walk down memory lane to look at some of her most extravagant, over the top, jaw-on-the-floor parties. Get ready to feel poor.

5. Her 21st Birthday

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kylie’s birthday cake????

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Because Kylie has looked and acted like a 27-year-old for like, seven years, it’s pretty crazy that her 21st birthday was just a year ago. To celebrate finally being legal to drink, Kylie had a predictably lavish party, complete with a giant cake topped with a face-down Barbie. The party also featured a pink ball pit, which was probably deeply unsanitary by the end of the night. Famous guests, in addition to the entire Kardashian fam, included Ashley Benson and Cara Delevingne, as well as Bella Hadid and The Weeknd (RIP.)

Actually, I’m surprised Kylie’s 21st birthday party wasn’t a little more over-the-top, but  it didn’t really matter that much, considering she’s been treated like an adult since she was 15. I guess turning 21 somehow seems less important when you have a billion dollars in the bank, not that I would know.

4. The Kylie Skin Launch

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family over everything ? don’t know what I’d do without these strong beautiful women in my life.

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2019 has already been a big year for Kylie Jenner parties. After the massive success of Kylie Cosmetics, Kylie branched out into skin care this year, and she celebrated the launch of Kylie Skin with a pink-themed party that was…a lot. Complete with a roller skating rink, a giant magazine cover, and huge bottles of skin products, the Kylie Skin party was also the first place that James Charles was seen after the massive scandal with Tati Westbrook.

The most shocking thing about this party, however, was the food, which looked like the results of a cooking class for kids. Fyre Festival-esque pizza, McDonald’s fries, and packaged ramen noodles are not the kind of menu that I associate with a Kylie party. Still, I’m like, painfully upset that my invite was lost in the mail.

3. The Kylie Skin Trip

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Let the adventures begin!! #KylieSkinSummerTrip ???

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Of course, one extravagant event wasn’t enough to mark the launch of Kylie Jenner’s skin care line. And honestly, just staying in LA is way too boring for Kylie. After the party, she took some of her closest influencer friends on an all-expenses-paid trip to Turks & Caicos, complete with a custom private plane, custom coconut cups, custom drinks, and custom dresses and swimsuits. I don’t know how much Kylie Skin she’s selling, but I hope it’s a lot to pay for all this free merch for her friends.

Influencer trips have become common in the last few years, but this sh*t was next level. I mean, you know the trip has to be special to get Sofia Richie actually smile in a photo.

2. The ‘Handmaid’s Tale’ Party

It’s 2019 and Kylie Jenner is hosting a “Handmaid’s Tale” themed birthday party…SIS… pic.twitter.com/hNUTDDyTp4

— cayley (@cayley_plotkin) June 9, 2019

Ah yes, no list of Kylie Jenner parties would be complete without the infamous Handmaid’s Tale party. While Kylie’s insane spending on parties isn’t ever really relatable, per se, she’s never been as out of touch as when she yelled “WELCOME TO GILEAD LADIES, COME GET YOUR OUTFITS.” Somehow June is still alive on the show, but if she wasn’t, she’d be rolling in her grave. I still can’t even believe this happened, tbh. Kylie claims that The Handmaid’s Tale is one of her favorite shows, but I have my doubts that she’s ever actually watched a full episode.

This was also one of three parties that Kylie threw for her BFF Stassie’s birthday, which makes it even more unnecessary. My friends are the type of people who Venmo to the nearest cent, so I’m just looking for someone to throw me one party.

1. Stormiworld

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i dreamed about this party and then drew it up on paper room by room and @mindyweiss really made my vision come to life!!! thank you Mindy and team! this party was magical ✨?♥️

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No matter how many crazy parties Kylie has planned, Stormiworld takes the cake in terms of ridiculousness. For her daughter’s first birthday earlier this year, Kylie planned a private version of Travis Scott’s Astroworld tour, and I honestly still have no words to describe it. This party would be way too much for anyone’s birthday, but it’s even worse when you realize that Stormi probably had no idea what was going on, and definitely won’t remember it. The giant inflatable of Stormi’s head is one of the spookiest things I’ve ever seen, but if I have to look at it again, so do you.

What will Kylie Jenner do for her 22nd birthday this weekend to top all of these events? Stay tuned, because I’m sure she’ll come up with something. She was reportedly seen getting on the plane to Europe with a wedding dress, but it seems unlikely that she and Travis will be getting married this weekend, because some family members aren’t there. Wedding or not, I’m sure the party will be amazing and make me want to blow my entire paycheck.

Images: kyliejenner (3), kyliesnapchat / Instagram; Cayley_plotkin / Twitter

Return Of The Jezebels: ‘The Handmaid’s Tale’ Recap

There are two episodes left of Handmaid’s Tale season three, which is really too bad because I feel like they are just hitting their stride. It took us 10 episodes to figure out wtf this season was going to be about, but now we have it: June is going to help get an assload of kids out of Gilead. Feel like that could have been introduced in episode one.

We open on muffins. 52 muffins, to be exact. Each one representing a different child a Martha would like to help get out of Gilead. TBH the prevalence of muffins throughout this episode made me have to pause and revisit this early internet video. Simpler times. In the living room, crazy Madame Zaddy is casually threatening to shoot Commander Z at point-blank range. None of this phases June in the slightest, who begins talking Madame Z down with absolutely zero urgency.

June: I mean, you could kill him, but then our plan to escape would be ruined, so maybe don’t?

Luckily this line of thinking works on Madame Z, who decides not to shoot her husband in their living room after all. Good on her.

June and Commander Z then take a moment for a post-attempted-murder cooldown, and she informs him that they now need room in a van for 52 children, not the 10 they had previously agreed upon. But what’s 42 extra children among friends, eh?

Roadtrippin’ With The Waterfords

Cut to: the Waterfords headed out for a little road trip. It’s just Fred, Serena, the open road, and whatever meds they take to sleep at night. We’re not sure exactly what the plan is, but it looks like they’re driving up north to meet up with Serena’s Canadian buddy in hopes of negotiating for Nichole. Also, it’s just fun to get away for a while, isn’t it? Living in a tyrannical religious patriarchy state is exhausting. Like most impromptu couples’ road trips, this will either be the thing that saves their marriage, or the thing that ruins them. We’ll have to see which.

To show how fun and cool their trip is going to be, Fred lets Serena drive. It almost makes you forget that she could do this all the time if it weren’t for the government he created.

Serena driving:

The Meeting Of The Marthas

Back in Boston, June has been summoned before a tribunal of angry Marthas who all want to know what she means by “I’m getting 52 children out of Gilead.”

Beth Giving June Advice For Talking To The Marthas/My Friends Giving Me Advice Before Going Out Anywhere: Don’t ask any questions. Don’t say anything extra.

Right off the bat, the Marthas let June know that they can and will kill her. (This is also how I start all of my business meetings.) Luckily, Beth vouches for June and they come to a compromise: the Marthas will let June do her little “saving dozens of children” thing, if she waits to do it until a special shipment they’ve been working on arrives.

The big takeaway from this scene? Do not f*ck with the Marthas. They are no joke.

Unfortunately, June leaves the meeting and realizes that the Martha’s death threats are the least of her worries, as it appears Commander and Madame Zaddy have ghosted their plan and run off on their own. You hate to see it. Commander Z at least had the decency to leave behind an “I’m Sorry” post-it, à la Berger in SATC.

Not to be deterred, June then decides to do the thing she promised not to do five minutes ago and f*ck with the Marthas’ big shipment, using the rock-solid logic that “any plane that flies in has to fly out.” I mean, show me the lie?

Roadtrippin’ Pt. 2

Serena and Fred decide to crash at a random family’s house (I guess hotels aren’t a thing in Gilead) and take a cute walk down memory lane.

Serena: Remember my first book?
Fred: You were such a good writer!
Serena: Yeah, that was before we helped blow up the White House and installed a religious autocracy that took all my rights way…why did we do that again?

Serena then low-key blames Fred for the fact that Gilead happened, and I have to call bullsh*t. We all know I’m not one to stan for Fred Waterford, but they both made Gilead happen. Like, isn’t his exactly what Serena’s book was advocating? Didn’t she basically go on a speaking tour across America to say women should stay in the home? Did she think that meant all women except for her?

Fred and Serena then have the customary “let’s move here!” talk that every couple must have when they go on a vacation anywhere. I’m sorry, but am I supposed to care about Serena and Fred’s love story here? Am I supposed to be happy that they’re reconnecting in the forest? Because I don’t and I’m not. Sorry.

The Jezebels

Well, well, well, if it isn’t Commander Zaddy. Just like any other man who ghosts, just when you think he’s gone forever he shows back up looking all sorry and sh*t. Pathetic. Turns out Z doesn’t have the right clearance to get out, meaning the government has caught onto the fact that he was less than thrilled at the prospect of assaulting his handmaid—a dead giveaway for a #resistance fighter.

Once again, none of this phases June, and she tells CZ to shut the f*ck up and take her into the city so she can work on her plan to steal the Marthas’ plane. CZ drops June off at Jezebel headquarters, where she looks for “Billy” aka the guy who arranged the plane.

First question: where did June get all this going out gear? She’s got a full face of makeup, backless dress, and her hair is curled. Was all this sh*t just lying around the Lawrence household? Was Madame Zaddy a party girl before the war?

June’s plan actually goes extremely well and it takes about five minutes for her to arrange to get the children out in exchange for some Picassos the Lawrences have lying around. Sadly, just as she’s about to leave she gets spotted by none other than creepy Commander Winslow. I guess if you decide to take a trip to a prostitution palace, you should be preparted to get pulled into some light prostitution.

He takes June back to his room and you think we’re going to get a classic Handmaid’s assault scene, but not this time! June and Commander Winslow get into a huge fight and she ends up stabbing him with a pen like, one hundred times and then killing him with the base of lamp.

Who among us hasn’t gone out for the night, only to end up going home with some lame guy, deciding you’re not into it, and stabbing him to death with a pen? Typical #SaturdayVibes for sure.

June then finds herself stumbling out of a guy’s room, covered in blood (again, who hasn’t?), where she is discovered by…one of the Marthas she saved from the colonies! The Martha recognizes June, even with all the makeup and blood, and helps her escape out the freight elevator to sleep off her murder hangover.

Road Trippin’ Pt. 3

Serena and Fred head back out on the open road, where they finally meet up with SJ’s hot American friend living in Canada. He tells them he has a “safe place for them to talk just down the road” and then they proceed to follow him for what looks like hundreds of miles.

Fred, A Genius: Hey! This isn’t just down the road!

Finally, they stop and get out of the car and…SURPRISE! They’re in Canada now and being arrested for war crimes! Oops! As they’re arresting Fred and Serena, they read him his crimes which include “kidnapping, torture, slavery, and rape,” to name a few.

Serena This Whole Time:

Me This Whole Time: Charge him with being a little bitch!

The End

Cut to: June waking up in her clothes from the night before thinking something like, “what happened last night? I vaguely remember killing a guy…”

We then have a montage of June getting ready in her handmaid clothes cut with the Marthas cleaning up all the evidence of Commander Winslow’s murder, including disposing of his body in an incinerator.

The moral of this story? The Marthas are the realest in the game. Make sure you have some Marthas in your life.

We end on Commander Zaddy giving June a gun and telling her the government will be coming for them soon. Considering how much damage she was able to do with a pen, I’m excited to see where this goes. Until next week!

Images: Giphy; HBO

Scones Mean No: ‘The Handmaid’s Tale’ Recap

How are we feeling, Handmaid-heads? This week’s recap is rated NC-17 so please don’t read it out loud to your kids! Considering how much of this week’s plot revolved around semen, it’s really the best I could do. We begin with just a snippet of Symphony Number 9 by Beethoven (deep cut) before we go straight to June, limping her way back to Commander Zaddy’s house with Aunt Lydia. Apparently Lydia’s plan to move June out of the Lawrence house from two episodes ago is no longer a thing.

Lydia: You’re a good girl, OfJoseph.
Me: Didn’t you and all the other aunts just do a roundtable shit talking sesh of her? Two-faced bitches…

Turns out the Lawrences have redecorated to “D.C. standards” according to “Commander Waterford’s proclamation.” Now the Waterfords aren’t only rich family in Gilead that can’t bring themselves to buy a f*cking lamp.

In the kitchen, June catches up with Beth the Martha, who tells her that the delicious basket of scones on the table are actually a message from the #Resistance telling her they can’t get any more meds for Madame Zaddy, whose mental illness has been getting worse. This is why we take our meds, people.

Martha Beth: Scones mean no.
Me: Aaaaand I know what my new tattoo is going to say!

June wastes no time letting everybody know about her plan to free all the children in Gilead. Apparently she’s completely cured of the insanity she displayed the past two episodes, and nobody is going to bring it up again, just like the time I lost my sh*t during Spring Break and had to leave Cabo early. Oops.

June: I’m going to free all the children!
Martha Beth:

Sure Jan

Finally Commander Zaddy/Lawrence appears, looking all conflicted.

June: You know you could free your wife and take her to Canada where she could get help.
Lawrence: Okay well you’ve been home for less than five minutes, so why don’t you chill?

At the Grocery Store AKA The Den of the Resistance

June heads over to the juice aisle, which is basically a freedom fighters’ bunker at this point, to tell OfRobert about her amazing plan to free all the children.

OfRobert: I can’t talk to you. They’re watching us. And you’re really conspicuous.

Finally, somebody tells her.

The handmaids are then all ushered to a stadium that is conveniently attached to the grocery store for an “inspection” by none other than Fred Waterford, the human embodiment of the word “ugh”. He has taken his micropenis compensation tour to DC, where he’s doing fabulously. He arrives and starts bothering June immediately, like an ex who texts you “merry Christmas” after not seeing him for seven months.

Fred is joined by Commander Winslow (or, as he is known in the comment section, Commander Stabler) and Serena Joy, who opts not to mention the fact that last time she and June hung out, June tried to stab her with a tiny knife. Tactful.

Stabler immediately starts going in on all the handmaids and points out Janine’s new velvet eyepatch as not “regulation.”

Me/Aunt Lydia’s Inner Monologue: YOU KEEP JANINE’S NAME OUT YOUR MOUTH BITCH!!!!!

Commander Winslow then turns to June to ask her how she’s liking living with Commander Lawrence, to which she replies that he “treats her with respect.”

Fred: What…..is…..that?

Back at Commander Zaddy’s

June has been free for 48 hours and wastes no time breaking into offices to steal important documents. She’s in Commander Lawrence’s office, which is literally full of books. Stacks and stacks of books—Game of Thrones, Harry Potter, The Other Boleyn Girl—he’s got ‘em all. Just as she’s about to give up her search, June finds a valuable ally in Madame Zaddy, who can probably still smell June’s crazy and sees her as a kindred spirit. Despite all the sh*t everyone has been talking about her, Mrs. Lawrence seems pretty with it and cool at this moment. Maybe the best medicine for her illness is…collusion!??!

Luckily for June who, in case you forgot, is going to free all of the children, her commander keeps files on all the children born to handmaids in Gilead conveniently located in his basement.

June gets the documents and immediately turns to her own file, which is kind of like when you look at your own Insta page to try and see how it looks through someone else’s eyes. (We all do this, right??)

June: Have you ever considered leaving Gilead?
Madame Z: You mean go somewhere where I could get mood stabilizers instead of herbal tea?
June: ….yes

Honestly are we even sure that Madame Zaddy is crazy? Or is she just another woman who has fallen victim to that label when really she’s just having normal emotional reactions to the intensity of her surroundings? **exhales large puff of marijuana smoke**

Sadly, MZ explains can’t just leave because her husband is a “war criminal” who “invented the colonies” and is “responsible for unspeakable torture and death.” Don’t ya just hate when that happens?

Anyway, this scene ends with MZ finding a mysterious looking special box and bouncing back upstairs.

At the Waterfords’ Hotel

Back at their hotel, Fred is clearly jealous that June has found a new commander who is cool and not a rapist. As most insecure people do, he then immediately starts talking sh*t on Lawrence to Winslow, dragging him for not getting any of his handmaids pregnant. As we know, Fred is just projecting here because he knows deep in his soul that he is the one who is shooting blanks and he couldn’t get a handmaid pregnant if he came in her brain. (I told you this was rated NC-17.)

Then Fred and Winslow start speaking cryptically about a way to “ensure virility” in the Lawrence household and Serena Joy is like, “Uh…isn’t that a little extreme?” The last time something like this happened, Fred assaulted June into going into labor, so I think we can all tell immediately that whatever the f*ck this is, it’s not going to be good.

The Ceremony

June gets called in from looking up where all her friend’s children are (Janine’s son is dead, btw) by a very freaked-out looking Martha who tells her “they need you in the sitting room.”

Me:

It’s immediately clear that things are set up for Ceremony, which makes me realize we haven’t seen a Ceremony at all since last season. Not that I’m complaining.

Fred, Serena, Winslow, and Aunt Lydia all show up and we realize that apparently tonight’s ceremony is also a group date. I’m immediately like, okay so where is this going exactly? Are they gonna watch them do it? Are they gonna put them into bed and then check the sheets like in Shakespearean times? Will Aunt Lydia sub in and give Lawrence a hand job?

Eventually we find out that while they are not going to actually watch the Ceremony go down (good), they are going to have a doctor immediately “examine” June to make sure she has man seed inside her. For religious folk, these Gileadens really are freaks.

For his part, Commander Lawrence is extremely not into what is happening and immediately tries to find a way to get out of it. So was I, as I was watching it. Suddenly I’m over here thinking that maybe he could finish in his own hand and then give it to her somehow and then she would—you know what, I’m not even going to finish this.

Sadly, there is no way out and it is June herself who has to tell Commander and Madame Z that they’re just gonna have to f*ck now. MZ does not love this idea, which again, isn’t really all that crazy and is a pretty appropriate reaction for what is happening around her. She starts screaming and sh*t but then June, who has gone from insane herself to human Prozac in just one episode, calms her down.

They have sex—or whatever you would call what just happened between the two of them—but for the first time ever, Handmaid’s Tale doesn’t make us watch it. Thanks, I guess? As promised, June is “examined” in front of an audience of three people and found to be sufficiently cream-pied (I believe that is the medical term).

TLDR: I think the whole point of this scene is to show Lawrence that the world he cannot protect himself or his wife from the world he has created, and force him to #resist. Also we learn that the punishment for using contraception is being torn apart by dogs.

At the Waterfords’ Hotel

Cut to: the Waterfords relaxing after a hard day of rape by proxy.

Serena is annoyed at Fred for focusing on his career over their kidnapped baby. She then tells him about her hot American friend in Canada who gave her ciggs that one time, and tells friend they can work with him to get baby Nichole back. F*ck the Waterfords.

The End

Our episode ends with June convincing OfRobert and Janine to help her get all the children out of Gilead. With Commander Z fully flipped, June now has access to a truck. June does not tell Janine that her son is dead, which is probably wise.

Back at the Lawrence residence, Beth the Martha put out feelers for the whole “freeing the children” and the response was…not scones!!! It’s muffins!!! Scones mean no!!! Muffins mean yes!!! June is really going to save the children!!!

This moment of triumph is ruined by June looking to camera and saying, “we’re gonna need a bigger boat,” at which point I threw my laptop across the room. I’ll leave you with this video of comedian Andrew Farmer doing an impression of Ann Dowd (Aunt Lydia) as Ursula the sea witch. Enjoy.

Ann Dowd as Ursula the Sea Witch. Come on. #AnnDowdAsEveryVillain pic.twitter.com/czGuKbJ39o

— Andrew Farmer (@thatsajellyfish) May 24, 2019

Perfection!

Ooh Heaven Is A Place On Earth: ‘The Handmaid’s Tale’ Recap

After last week’s truly insane ending, I honestly went into this episode with no predictions for what was going to happen, and thank God for that. Right off the bat, the episode changes it up by starting with decades-old pop music and a closeup on June’s face. Quelle suprise! A true subversion! What once was old has been made new again!

Okay, I’m being a bitch. I’ll stop. We start the episode with June attending to OfMatthew in the hospital. OfMatthew is alive, but barely. Her mind isn’t there, but her body is being forced to carry the pregnancy to term. The 11th grader who got a 5 on her AP Lit exam would recognize this as a metaphor for what is is like for all women in Gilead. June is forced to stay and pray for OfMatthew’s baby throughout the pregnancy which—fun twist!—has made her fully insane now.

Side note: Can you imagine waking up from a coma and your bully is just like, standing there singing “Heaven Is a Place on Earth”?

During the day, OfMatthew’s hospital bed is poppin’. It’s the place to be. The wives are there. The other handmaids are there. She’s got an assload of doctors. And these creepy little girls in pink keep walking by. Finally, after all this time, she’s popular!

June is totally f*cked up now and can barely walk from having to kneel all the time. In another time, this condition would be known as “blowjob knees.” She tries to kill OfMatthew by holding onto her breathing tube, but a little alarm goes off and the doctors come back in. Drats!

The Next Day

The next day, all the handmaids gather for their number one handmaid activity, aside from bearing children: a prayer circle. June is so crazy now she can barely pray, and Janine is all f*cked up from the time OfMatthew beat the shit out of her with a can of chowder. Fun times.

Turns out OfMatthew really did Janine dirty and f*cked up her eyeball hole. Not that her eyeball hole was doing great to begin with. Nobody has given her an eyepatch for some reason, so Janine attempts to cover her infected eyeball hole with a chic side bang. Unfortunately, chic side bangs are banned in Gilead, so Lydia makes Janine tuck her hair behind her ear. I think it’s safe to say Janine’s hair does not look sexy pushed back.

The handmaids all leave, but Aunt Lydia hangs back to check in on OfMatthew’s progress. OfMatthew starts having a seizure, probably because she is a half-dead body being forced to carry a pregnancy to term. Idk tho. I’m not a doctor.

June When OfMatthew Has A Seizure/Me When I find Out My Guy Friend’s Wife Has Gone Into Labor: If you’re lucky, you may get to see her sh*t herself.

As we all know, Lydia hates cursing, so she does not appreciate this comment. June then asks Lydia if she can leave the hospital (not very strategic thinking) and Lydia predictably says no.

Aunt Lydia: God never gives us more than we can handle.
Me: What about the time you tried to give your coworker a handjob and he rejected you and it made you go apesh*t and get your friend’s son taken away? Remember that?

In the background, we see a doctor dispose of a dirty knife he used to cut OfMatthew’s leg open, and June smiles. Don’t these people realize that if you leave June in a room with a knife she’s 100% going to steal that knife? That’s like, the Handmaid’s Tale version of Checkov’s gun.

That Night

June waits until night time to go check out the whole dirty knife situation. She’s changed into her nightgown/slip, which is actually a pretty cute peasant-cut white dress. Pop a flower crown on and it’s honestly a perfect festival lewk (and/or a costume from the movie Midsommar).

June wastes no time sticking her hand in a medical waste deposit box, and gets her finger pricked with a needle. Whatever. She’s not not trying to die. Her medical dumpster diving is interrupted by Janine, who is in the hospital due to an infected eyeball hole. And this, dear readers, is why we wear the eye patch.

Janine, pure as f*ck, comes over to OfMatthew’s bed and forgives her for repeatedly hitting her in the eyeball hole with a can of soup. June, Squidward as f*ck, immediately sh*ts all over Janine’s parade. June is quickly becoming the type of person who tells little kids Santa isn’t real.

Janine: I want you to get better.
June: She’s not going to get better.
Me: CHRIST CAN WE NOT LET JANINE PRAY?

June uses Janine’s prayer as an in to suggest she and Janine just go ahead and kill OfMatthew with the extremely tiny knife she’s acquired. Predictably, Janine is not into this idea, like at all.

Janine: You’re selfish! You’ve changed!
Me: Go OFF queen!!!!

June then immediately tells Janine to get the f*ck out. Looks like somebody can’t handle a little constructive criticism.

The Next Day

June doesn’t kill OfMatthew after all, but that doesn’t mean she’s done f*cking around with her tiny little knife. Luckily for June, Serena Joy shows up out of nowhere looking extremely knife-able. Unluckily for her, it’s actually hard to kill someone with a tiny knife, especially if you can barely walk because your knees are all f*cked up from praying, so SJ subdues her pretty easily. She doesn’t even freak out that much, because honestly the whole murder attempt was pretty sad, and June ends up injuring herself more in the process. Is June the Bagel Boss guy?

A nice-seeming doctor comes by to sew up June’s hand. Nobody is concerned that she acquired a knife and was going to use it to kill herself and others. Casual reminder that in season one, handmaids got murdered for blinking too sluttily.

June: My mother was a doctor. She treated pregnant women, and she always put her patients—the women—first.

Personally, I love how June is batsh*t crazy for the entire first half of the episode, but then as soon as she has the opportunity to lecture a man about feminism, she is 100% lucid and on top of her sh*t. I feel seen.

Turns out Chill Doctor actually knows June’s mom from back in the day, and they bond over that.

June: You know, last night I was going to kill everybody in here and myself, but now that we’ve chatted I’m feeling a lot better.
Chill Doctor: Oh ya I totally knew that would happen. Don’t worry about it.

That night, June is given a new hospital bed, so I guess stealing a knife and threatening to kill everyone worked. Unfortunately she doesn’t really get to enjoy it, because OfMatthew’s vital signs start going crazy. Is she going into labor? Is she having a miscarriage? It’s hard to tell.

The doctors run in and do a C-section, and pull out OfMatthew’s premature looking baby. So now Handmaid’s Tale has shown us a premature baby C-section and a still birth in two back-to-back episodes. Thank you Handmaid’s Tale!

The Death Of OfMatthew

The next day, June packs up her sh*t and gets ready to go. OfMatthew is still alive, but barely, and everyone says she’s going to die soon. As June is leaving, one of the creepy little girls in pink offers to help her carry her bag. We find out that the little girl is at the hospital because she just found out she can have babies. Turns out all the little girls June has been seeing coming in and out of the hospital are being inspected to see if they can have babies. Bleak. As. F*ck.

June leaves the hospital with Aunt Lydia, but then last minute decides she wants to go back and stay with OfMatthew until the end. Classic June. Always almost leaving places and then deciding at the last minute to go back and be tortured again. I guess it is the least she can do for bullying OfMatthew so badly she lost her mind and committed suicide by cop (it’s a thing, look it up).

Meanwhile, in the next room, Janine’s eye is back to normal. Or at least, it’s back to the status quo. As a nice gesture, Aunt Lydia brings Janine a little red eye patch to wear. Between this and Serena Joy’s leather finger, Gilead has really cornered the market on high-end accessories for female torture victims. A booming industry!

The episode ends with June in OfMatthew’s hospital bed, showering her with compliments, like ya do when you realize you’ve been kind of a bitch to someone. She then promises to free all children, including OfMatthew’s new baby boy, from Gilead. Sure, June. But you’re always saying that.

OfMatthew dies while June sings “Heaven is A Place on Earth.” Not sure if that’s the song I’d personally like to go out to, but okay. In another subversion of the art form, this episode does not end with June looking directly to camera while they play The Jackson Five or some sh*t, but instead ends with only the sounds of OfMatthew’s heart monitor indicating her death. Now I’m kind of wishing we had the old endings back.

Images: Hulu; Giphy (4)

Mean Girls of Gilead: ‘The Handmaid’s Tale’ Recap

Alright fam, this episode of The Handmaid’s Tale was a rollercoaster. It swung wildly from amazing (Aunt Lydia flashbacks!!!!!) to absolutely terrible (stillborn baby close-up), and I’m just going to go ahead and say right now that yes, it does end with June looking directly to camera while kitschy music plays. How many times are the writers going to do this? At this point, every time it happens I can’t help but think of this video and start laughing uncontrollably:

Elisabeth Moss at the end of every episode of Handmaids Tale. Needle drops included. pic.twitter.com/WtgBaPget2

— Chrissy Shackelford (@ChrissySh) June 29, 2019

Can someone show the writers of The Handmaid’s Tale this video so they realize this trope is over and they can move on to something else? Please?

Back In Gilead

We open on a handmaid named OfAndy giving birth. It is truly hard to keep all these handmaids straight. I had no idea OfAndy was even a thing. Since OfMatthew revealed that she narc-ed on Frances the Martha and got her killed, OfMatthew must now face the snitch’s fate of getting stiches. What did she expect?

In this case, the stitches are emotional, as Gilead has been transformed into North Shore High School, with June acting as Regina George.

June: That was a really good prayer, OfMatthew. You’re so religious.
OfMatthew: Thanks!
June: …so you agree? You think you’re really religious?

The other handmaids are literally bullying OfMatthew while OfAndy gives birth. And when I say literally bullying, I mean literally. They’re shoving her. They’re snickering behind her back. At one point someone breaks something and blames it on her. It’s a whole-ass mess. And June is just standing there like:

The only person who is not into the bullying is poor, sweet Janine. She’s that one popular girl who always sticks up for the nerds because she’s low-key in all the AP classes with them and would probably be a nerd herself if she weren’t so hot. It’s not her fault she’s so popular.

This scene is difficult because, on the one hand, it’s tough to watch someone get bullied, especially when that person is pregnant and scared in Gilead. On the other hand, she totally snitched and got someone killed.

June sums this up best when she says “She got someone executed. She doesn’t feel sorry about it. She should have kept her f*cking mouth shut. Also that’s the ugliest effing skirt I’ve ever seen.”

Even Aunt Lydia takes notice of the bullying and tells June to “tell your friends to cool it.” Between Aunt Lydia saying “pumped” in the DC episode and her saying “cool it” in this episode, I think it is safe to say she’s been perusing Urban Dictionary.

At The Red Center

As with all cases of girl-on-girl bullying, the handmaids have now been assembled in the gym for trust falls. June is in the middle of the shame circle, but just like the kid who gets detention every day, it has lost its effect.

That is, until Aunt Lydia pulls out the Hannah card and makes June admit that her actions led to Hannah (who she calls “Agnes” because that’s her new name, unfortunately) losing her Martha and having to move. This clearly f*cks June up for a second, but just like Regina, June has a few pages of her burn book yet to reveal, and she’s not going to go down without a fight.

June: Yeah, well OfMatthew told me she doesn’t want her baby.

Clearly, June has taken it too far. Keep OfMatthew’s baby out your mouth. Like, I know she’s kind of tragic, but she’s Janine’s friend, so be nice to her, okay??? Also, harming a child and/or endangering a child in any way is a big f*cking deal in Gilead (except that one time Janine did it) so saying this puts OfMatthew’s life in genuine danger. Very uncool.

Speaking of Janine, she’s watching all of this go down like:

The group then turns on OfMatthew, who is already on the brink of a mental breakdown after all the bullying she endured at OfAndy’s birth. Hats off to actress Ashleigh LaThrop for conveying OfMatthew’s genuine terror here, and hats off to the cinematography for really putting us in this scene. I felt like I was the one getting bullied here, and frankly, I did not appreciate it.

At this point I start to realize that this episode has gone from Mean Girls to Heathers real fast (esp. with the red outfits) and that can only mean one thing: a lot of people are going to die.

Aunt Lydia Flashback

The best thing I can say about this episode is that it blesses us with the one thing we’ve all been wanting since season one: an Aunt Lydia flashback, complete with a sex scene. Didn’t actually know we needed that second part until it happened, but thank God it did. We’ll get to it later.

The first thing we learn about OG Aunt Lydia is that she was a teacher at a school. Makes sense. Her hair is down, she has a blow out, she’s rocking sensible flats and a flowy top, presumably from Chico’s.

Lyds has stayed late because one of the children in her class has yet to be picked up by his mother, whom Aunt Lydia clearly does not like. The principal of the school stops by and she immediately quotes the Bible at him, so clearly she hasn’t changed too much since the old days. The principal clearly digs this Bible reading, and the two of them have distinct sexual chemistry.

Can Aunt Lydia spit game?, I wonder.

Unfortunately, the flirting sesh is interrupted by the boy’s mother, who is clearly a struggling single mom. Aunt Lydia invites the two of the over for chili, but only so she can keep judging them and making shady comments. I have also done this many times to my dinner guests, so I get it.

At the chili cookout, Single Mom curses in front of Aunt Lydia, which would get you tased to death in today’s world. Since it’s not today’s world, Lydia’s only weapon is a vicious side-eye, which she uses often.

We end this scene with a couple more pieces of Lydia info:
1. Her full name is Lydia Clements.
2. She used to be married but he “was a mistake.”

Interesting…

In Gilead

We cut back to the Red Center, where Aunt Lydia is fulfilling her dream of making struggling women pay. She releases all the girls from the auditorium and thanks June for “telling what you know about OfMatthew,” but we know what she really means is “I’m on to you, bitch.”

Back at Commander Zaddy’s, June is trying to figure out where the f*ck Hannah moved to. I guess she should have thought about the fact that moving exists before she tried to break into her home and school. Hindsight is 20/20.

June: I need to know if you’ve learned anything about Hannah and the Mc—
Commander Zaddy:

Like most bullies, June’s home life is extremely f*cked up right now. Her Commander is mad at her. She doesn’t know where Hannah is. She’s struggling and lashing out at her peers. You hate to see it.

They get called to help with OfAndy’s birth again. I guess I didn’t realize that she never actually gave birth the first time. Shows where my priorities are at. The handmaids are all hands on deck for this baby, except for June, who is just chilling in the doorway. Maybe her parents wrote a note saying she could sit out?

Ultimately, the baby is stillborn and has the cord wrapped around its neck, which the director chooses to show us in vivid detail. Not something I necessarily needed to see on a Wednesday, but okay.

June sits out of the post-stillbirth group hug and instead pops over to go stare at the dead baby, which is some pretty extreme antisocial behavior from our girl June Osbourne. What’s her issue? Other than like, everything that has ever happened to her.

Finally, June returns to the Lawrence home, where the Commander inexplicably wants her to start hanging out with his wife again. Pretty sure that didn’t go great last time, but whatever.

June, who is clearly having some sort of mental break, responds to this attempt at friendship by laying into Commander Lawrence about the world he built, and how it affects his wife. Is she wrong? No. Was this the best moment to convey this sentiment? Probably not.

At The Aunt Office

And now for another glimpse into the daily life of Aunt Lydia, who apparently is in charge of deciding which handmaid goes where along with two other Aunts. They do this using a giant lazy susan and not like, computers, for some reason.

Do computers still exist in Gilead? They have to, right? I feel like a shared Google Doc could be helpful here.

At one point, Aunt Lydia refers to a family that “doesn’t want a handmaid of color”, which is significant in that it is the first time Handmaid’s Tale has addressed racism at all. Prior to this, you kind of got the impression that all racism was magically cured in whatever war happened. In my mind I rationalized this by saying that perhaps the fertility crisis has made people so desperate for babies it overrode hundreds of years of racial bias, but if that’s the case, this show should probably like, say that at some point. Just a thought.

Once the Aunts are done excusing racism, they go onto their favorite activity: sh*t talking June. Clearly, Aunt Lydia is not impressed with her mean girl turn, and the Aunts can’t help but notice that her walking partners keep going insane. Maybe it’s time to send her to military school?

Aunt Lydia Flasback #2

Wow. This next scene was a wild f*cking ride, so strap in because we’re about to cover a lot of ground. We start with Aunt Lydia at Single Mom’s house. Clearly they have become close, even though Lyd is still making condescending comments about her roughly every 30 seconds. Single Mom is unfazed by this (she’s got a lot of other sh*t on her plate) and decides that what Aunt Lydia really needs is a makeover. And starts sensually applying makeup to Lydia’s face. For a second I’m like…are they going to hook up? But they don’t. This is just a standard makeover. Lame.

Beat for the gods, Aunt Lydia goes out for a night on the town. Yes, you read that right. Aunt Lydia goes clubbing in this episode and yes, she is wearing a sequined top.

And who is she at the clurb to meet? Oh, just the hot principal from one flashback ago, of course! Not only are they hitting it off and looking amazing, it is also New Year’s Eve. Bold choice for a first date, but Aunt Lydia is a bold woman. She enjoys a single glass of champagne and then we cut straight to them doing drunk karaoke. Who among us hasn’t had the exact same night? One minute you’re enjoying a glass of champagne, the next you’re screaming “No Scrubs” to a room full of strangers. Life comes at you fast.

Speaking of fast, Aunt Lydia and Hot Principal go home together ON THE FIRST DATE. Now of course, there’s nothing wrong with going home with someone on the first date, but given Lyd’s entire personality, this is pretty surprising. The two start making out and it’s like…what’s gonna happen here? Is he gonna try to go too far and get pepper sprayed? Will this be Aunt Lydia’s first taste of blood?

Quite the opposite! Aunt Lydia goes to give Hot Principal a casual first date hand job and HE TELLS HER THEY ARE MOVING TOO FAST!!! He slut-shames Aunt Lydia!

In his defense, he does say that he wants to see her again, but Lydia is already heartbroken. And what does a heartbroken Aunt Lydia do?

F*ck.
Sh*t.
Up.

And by “sh*t” I mean the lives of two innocent people by reporting Single Mom to whatever the Gilead version of CPS is for “moral weakness.” Hot Principal watches all this go down with a sad look in his eye.

Where is the woman who tugged his dick just a few months ago? Or do hand jobs not count as moral weakness, just like they don’t count as cheating?

In Gilead

Back in Gilead, June is standing in the snow to meet up with OfMatthew who is not. doing. great. Like, she’s crying before they even get to the bus stop. They’re really layering this bullied child motif on thick.

They make it to the grocery store, and within five seconds we see OfMatthew losing her sh*t in the seafood aisle over a can of lobster bisque. The combination of the bullying, the pregnancy, and her natural narc-iness are too much to bear. Like many bullied youths before her, she is about to lose her f*cking sh*t in a public place.

Then, OfMatthew does the one thing you’re never supposed to do: she physically attacks Janine! Like, really beats the sh*t out of her! This is why you can’t be nice to people. Within 30 seconds, OfMatthew has gone full Carrie on everybody at Loaves and Fishes.

To make matters worse, she attacks a guard and steals his gun. So now she has a gun. Basically, OfMatthew was bullied so badly it drove her to buy a gun and open fire at a grocery store. I see no parallels to our current world there! None at all!

Just as we think she is going to shoot June (who is so crazy at this point, she just kind of stands there smiling), she turns her gun on Aunt Lydia. I know Aunt Lydia survived being stabbed seven times and falling down the stairs, but can she survive being shot at close range in the grocery store?

Sadly, we do not find out because the guards kill OfMatthew (who we learn is really named “Natalie”) right there next to the frozen shrimp. Damn. RIP OfMatthew. You mostly sucked, but I did feel bad for you at the end there.

As I mentioned before, the episode ends with June looking to camera while Nancy Sinatra’s version of “Que Será Será “plays in the background. Yawn.

Images: Hulu; ChrissySh / Twitter; Giphy (7)