The 11 Garbage People You Meet At Every Halloween Party

Head Pro pretends to not like Halloween, but he’s really just bad at coming up with costumes. Email him at [email protected], and follow him on Twitter and Insta at @betchesheadpro.

Halloween is Tuesday, which means that all of your Halloween party-going is happening this week and reaching a crescendo this weekend. Don’t ask me why we treat Halloween like other holidays where you HAVE to have the party before the actual date, them’s just the rules. Fuck you in advance for giving me side-eye for showing up to your November 4th party in my Boba Fett costume. Shit was expensive.

Anyway, what makes Halloween parties Halloween parties is that you show up in costume, otherwise you’re just a weirdo for throwing a party on a questionably macabre holiday. The thing is, though, is that if you go to enough parties, you notice that with little variation, they all include the same cast of characters and costumes. Here’s a non-exhaustive list of the people you’ll meet, and how to deal with them.

1. The Couple Who Thinks They’re Funny

Couple’s costumes are without fail annoying af because the people wearing them almost always put too much work into them. Sometimes they try to be current, so this year you might see a lot of couples dressed as Wonder Woman and whichever one of the Chrises was her sidekick. But more often than not, they try to be “clever” and somehow miss the mark. Like, I’ve seen so many couples where the guy was a big black ball and the girl was an iron chain—sorry ladies, but you’re both the ball and the chain. That’s all on you.

How to deal with them: If you’re single, don’t. If you’re with a date, have a picture at the ready of some really good costume the two of you did to make them feel worse about theirs.

2. The Guy Who Thinks He’s Clever

Making a clever costume is a fool’s errand. It literally only works when other people see it, think about it for one or two beats and then go “ohhhh I get it!” That shit is hard as hell to pull off, man. Otherwise, you end up with one of three scenarios: 1) No one gets the costume even after you explain it, 2) You have to explain it but it’s still not funny, or 3) It needs no explanation but it’s just dumb as fuck. One year, one of my bros stapled a bunch of pictures of his exes to a sheet and wore it over his head as “the ghost of girlfriends past.” It was real fucking dumb, and kind of fucked up too, now that I think about it. Don’t put that JuJu on people, dude.

How to deal with them: Regardless of which of the three ways they fuck it up, your response should always be “oh… ok.” That’s it. These people crave approval more than anything. Don’t give in.

Hanging Chad

3. The Intentionally Too-Soon Guy

Without fail, someone will take a recent celebrity death and make a costume out of it. This year, you’re gonna see a lot of fuckboy Hugh Hefners out there. Worse is the fact that that more often than not the costumes are shitty; wearing a dirty bathrobe and the sweatpants you woke up in do not make for a convincing smut tycoon.

How to deal with them: Whatever you do, don’t get mad. These guys get off on being CRAZY and EDGY and DARING TO GO THERE. Their goal is to shock you, because if they shock you that means they can manipulate your emotions, and if they can manipulate your emotions they think that means they can fuck you with their socks still on. It’s a vicious cycle.

4. The Slutty Whatever Girl

My hot take? Slutty costumes are used far more as pop culture joke fodder than they are actual costumes. But there will be one, maybe two of these girls at every party, made I guess a little more likely by the fact that this very website sells slutty mouse costumes or whatever. Either way, they’ll stick out like ingrown hairs, because normal fucking adults can work up a costume that’s still sexy without going full-blown “slutty sign language interpreter.”

How to deal with them: Praise them for having the courage to wear those costumes and empower women. These girls strapped themselves in and hoisted their boobs up because they wanted to turn some heads and feel sexy, not lead the 4th wave of feminism.

5. Every Version Of Taylor Swift From The ‘LWYMMD’ Video

You just know a group’s gonna fuckin’ do this. The only question is, do they go with all the new Taylor outfits, or all of the “dead” Taylors? If the #squad’s big enough, why not both? They’ll metastasize across the dance floor whenever that (or any TSwift) song comes on, and you’ll never have wished more for an asteroid to hit and end this fucked up experiment called humanity.

How to deal with them: No need, because you’re either one of them or they’ll be standing in a circle looking at their phones the whole time. You should, however, pay the DJ all of the money you have on you to not play any Taylor Swift songs. Sometimes petty justice is the only justice.

Taylor Swift

6. The Political Costumes

Unavoidable, but especially so because of the times we live in. Lots of guys will wear those creepy rubber Donald Trump masks, which is actually fine until they start in on their terrible impressions of him (sad!). Probably lots of Hillarys, too. That’s also fine, I guess, until they try to get clever with it by also doing zombie makeup and saying they’re “Hillary’s electability” or some insufferable shit. You will suddenly find yourself on the other side of the gun control debate, if only so that you can quickly buy one to turn it on yourself.

How to deal with them: Bizarrely, I don’t think these people actually want to talk politics, so you should talk a shitload of politics with them. Figure out where they stand, and then present yourself as an even more extreme version. Oh, they like Bernie and his platform? Well Bernie is just as much a Wall Street puppet as the next Democratic sellout, and you’re gonna lead the revolution that returns the means of production not back to the proletariat, but to Mother Nature!

7. The People Not In Costume But Just Dressed Like Goths

These people have a twisted relationship with Halloween, because on the one hand, they’re the weirdos who claim to be into the “dark arts” and lied about drinking a bat’s blood back in middle school. On the other hand, they hate how a celebration of their Dark Lord has been co-opted by the mainstream, so for once their morose expressions are genuine. They’ll be in the corner, casting spells on everyone.

How to deal with them: These people secretly wish they could be accepted by the popular crowd, so be as ditzy and fun-having as you can possibly be. Even if you got stuck being Zombie Taylor.

Goth

8. The Decade Costumes

I don’t understand why this is a thing, but it is. Like, how are you supposed to represent an entire decade with an outfit, and why would you want to? Oh, you’re supposed to be “the 80s?” Cool, which one of your leg warmers represents the sale of weapons to Iran to secretly fund right-wing Nicaraguan rebels?

How to deal with them: In reality it’s virtually impossible to capture the essence of a decade, because 1980 looked nothing like 1990, 1990 looked nothing like 2000, etc. That’s why, when they tell you what they are, say it looks more like an adjacent decade to you. “70s? Ok, it’s just that this outfit looks a lot more late 60s to me.” They’ll hate it.

9. The Person Not In Costume Because They Hate Halloween

Look fucker, you have 364 other days of the year to show up to a party in your street clothes. If you don’t like dressing up, either sit your ass at home or go to an Irish bar, where the costume theme is always “pretending Irish-American culture is legitimate and deserving of celebration.” They think they’re cool and above it all and will try to fuck you by approaching you in a corner and saying “man, this is so childish, right?” Gross.

How to deal with them: Do a drive-by and say “nice costume!” just before you’re out of earshot. It won’t give them time to launch into their “I’m a REAL adult” spiel.

10. The Socially Conscious Costumes

Why yes, I totally agree that The Handmaid’s Tale is a perfect reflection of where we are as a society right now, and your Offred costume totally improves the ambience. Lotta those, I expect, but don’t count out the people who try to be walking political cartoons. The guy dressed up as a solar system and also wearing a doctor’s mask? Wow, a biting commentary on universal healthcare, friend. The dude in the MAGA hat with the “lock her up” sign? Now that’s a man with his thumb on the pulse.

How to deal with them: Unlike the overtly political people, these folks EXTREMELY want to talk about politics. Keep the conversation light until you can escape.

Woke

11. The Person Not In Costume Because They Couldn’t Think Of One

So, more often than not this is me.

How to deal with them: Be nice. I’m not exactly proud of myself.

Head Pro pretends to not like Halloween, but he’s really just bad at coming up with costumes. Email him at [email protected], and follow him on Twitter and Insta at @betchesheadpro.

What a Guy’s Halloween Costume Says About How Much Of A Fuckboy He Is

You know how some people say they can judge a guy based on how he treats waiters? Or how he acts around the elderly? Well, we prefer to judge guys based on how they show up on Halloween. While a girl can spend weeks putting together the final touches on her Wonder Woman corset, guys usually think of their costumes 10 minutes before the pregame, or they just don’t dress up at all. You’d think it wouldn’t be that hard for a guy to put on a decent costume that doesn’t scream “I’m a tool,” but for some reason, so many miss the mark. Here’s what a guy’s costume says about him, just so you know what you’re waking up next to on November 1st.

The Full-On Mascot Suit

Oh god. The full suit. This is your typical “Who would actually buy that?” costume, including but not limited to: the banana, the M&M, the Angry Bird, the Ninja Turtle, the Pikachu, the hotdog, and that goddamn yellow minion. Cringe. Costumes like these are so alarming, and it probably means this guy is an immature freak who is likely to take your relationship too seriously. Like, he’s trying too hard to be funny, and he definitely looked you up on Facebook when he went to the bathroom. He’s a creep. Just like any costumed adult you would avoid in Times Square, avoid this guy too. However, I do want a copy of the receipt to laugh at how much this guy spent at Party City. I just really need to know.

The Donald Trump Costume

If you show up in a Donald Trump costume on Halloween, I’d like to sit you down privately and ask you how exactly you thought this would go over. Trump won the election a year ago, and the joke hasn’t suddenly gotten funnier since Halloween 12 months ago. I mean, at least at that time no one knew he would win yet. Also, what is your goal here? Because if it’s to hook up, then you’re sorely mistaken. Do you really think a girl would look at your costume and think like, “OMG Donald Trump, how cute and funny! I think I’ll go home with that guy.” Nope. At least in a Hillary costume you could potentially get with a drunk feminist and call it a night. The Trump costume is a huge red flag for sooo many reasons. Next.

The Jersey & Jeans

This costume honestly takes no effort whatsoever, but we kinda respect a guy who throws on a basketball jersey five seconds before he leaves the house. Hear us out. It shows that he’s chill and mature enough not to give a fuck about Halloween, but also realizes that he needs to do something to commemorate the holiday. Plus, every guy just looks good in a jersey and jeans. It’s a fact. Like, this guy is simple, to the point, and mature enough to not make a fool out of himself. He’s already lived in Murray Hill and he’s over it. This is the type of guy who wants to order wine at dinner and knows exactly what bottle he wants. Plus, he’ll probably take you to a Knicks game. He’s a keeper.

Read: What His NYC Neighborhood Says About The Kind Of Fuckboy He Is
 

The Very Creative Pun

Pun costumes are those ones that make you take a second to think about it, and then say, “OH I get it, but like… why.” We’re referring to the “Cereal Killer” dressed in a Frosted Flakes shirt with a water gun. Or the “Starbucks” with gold stars and money signs painted on a Hanes V-neck. These stories are real and they’re tragic, and so is this guy. I mean, you might be impressed that he went to Yale or that he reads a lot, but like, this guy put way too much thought into this costume and he’s either a legit weirdo or he’s missing a screw. Most likely both.

The Firefighter/ Military/ Policeman Variation 

This is a tough one, because it depends on how much commitment this guy has put into this costume. Like, if he’s just wearing aviators and a police hat with a normal outfit, this guy probably has his shit together and we can get on board. On the other hand, if it’s obvious that the guy ordered a full-on firefighter suit online three weeks ago, this kid has to get his priorities straight. Plus, he probably thinks he looks legitimately sexy in his too-short camo shorts, when he just looks like a 14-year-old boy dressing up as Magic Mike. This is probably the guy who enjoys group chats and still refers to his 2007 AEPi mixers as his “glory days.” Send help.

The T-Shirt That Says “This is My Costume”

Ugh, my heart goes out to the guys who find this T-shirt in Target and think it would be a clever, no-fuss Halloween costume. I mean, this guy is obviously lost and has no sisters, but he actually might not be such a bad guy. This is one of those guys who has potential to be legit boyfriend material, but you’d just have to take his AmEx to purchase him a new wardrobe and a few necessary Kiehl’s products. This is the kid who was nerdy in high school, but he’s honestly kinda hot now and probably cleans his socks off the floor without being asked. Don’t give up on him just yet. But also don’t go home with him. I mean, have you seen his shirt? It’s not his night. 

Read: What Guys Really Think Of Your Halloween Costume