I don’t need to tell you that Halloween is, hands down, the best holiday of the entire year. It’s the celebration devoted to junk food and playing pranks on people, after all. Plus, it’s the first holiday in a long string of important holidays, so you know you have a full season of yummy treats and opportunities to “accidentally” run into your hometown ex when you’re visiting your parents. The literal only problem with Halloween is figuring out what to wear. If you’re not a die-hard lover of dressing up like yours truly, landing on a costume can, admittedly, be a struggle.
But before you just waltz into your nearest Spirit Halloween and buy an overpriced package costume that for some reason smells like fish sticks, it’s important we talk about the costumes you shouldn’t wear. I don’t mean the basic Halloween costumes that require zero effort or the offensive costumes that’ll get you fired (but maybe don’t wear those either?). I’m talking about the super popular Halloween costumes that every single person you know will also dress up as. I mean, is there anything worse than showing up to a party, only to see that eight other people are dressed up as the same thing you are, except their costumes look better? The answer is no. There’s nothing worse. It’s like social suicide.
So in order to save you time, money, and grave embarrassment, here are the 10 most popular Halloween costumes of 2022 that you shouldn’t, under any circumstances, wear. And because we’re super nice, we’ve included some alternative options in place of all the basic ass ideas that’ll be flooding social media this year. Bookmark this and thank us later.
The Sanderson Sisters
Hocus Pocus characters have been Halloween staples since 1993, and while dressing up as the most infamous sister witches isn’t exactly creative, when done right, it usually had a nice wow factor. As long as you had two willing friends, a decent budget for legit costumes, and time to sort out who would begrudgingly be Mary, you’d impress. That was, of course, before the sequel came out a mere month ahead of Halloween 2022. Now more than ever, trios of witches yielding Swiffers and DustBusters will be running amok all over. Avoid being just another Sanderson and skip your spellbinding performance of Jay Hawkins’ haunting tune this year. Trust me, if you thought being Mary was bad, being the least impressive Mary at the party is even worse.
A Better Costume Option: Literally any other Disney witch works from Ursula to Maleficent.
Pam and Tommy
Just when you thought Carter Baizen couldn’t get any hotter, the actor who played him (Sebastian Stan) took on the form of Mötley Crüe’s Thomas Lee. Sure, it’s a different look, but last I checked abs are still abs. Even though this is a fun couple’s costume that gives you an excuse to dress up like Pamela Anderson, it’s 100% a no-go this year. If you’d done this look last year? Fine. But now, after the Pam & Tommy series? It’s a hard no. Give it at least a year before you draw a bunch of tattoos all over your significant other’s poor, unsuspecting bod.
A Better Costume Option: John Lennon and Yoko Ono. Someone will undoubtedly make a show about this musical pair someday, so get ahead of the trend by throwing on some wire-rimmed glasses and peace-signing the hell out of every photo.
Rhaenyra from House of the Dragon
It still, truthfully, feels too early to dress up as a Game of Thrones character, let alone one from House of the Dragon. Don’t you remember in 2018 when every single person in the world went as John Snow and Daenerys? Nothing like a lil incest cosplay to get America in the Halloween spirit! Seriously, though, let’s not repeat history with Rhaenyra. While it might seem easy since you can dust off your old Daeny wig, consider the fact that parties everywhere will be saturated with the new (or technically, old) hot girl Targaryen. Unless you’re the absolute *best* one out there, there’s no point in joining the dragons this year.
A Better Costume Option: You wanna feel a little mythical and sexy? Medusa gives you the chance to throw on a sexy outfit and bond with reptiles just like Rhaenyra, but you won’t bump into seven others on your way to the bathroom.
The Stranger Things Kids
Technically no longer kids, the Stranger Things ~young adults~ continue to be costume staples for people who don’t understand that Halloween is meant to be the time when you stand out. Since season 4 just came out in May, you can bet your Demogorgons there will be ample Elevens wreaking havoc on your Instagram algorithm this year. No hate on the show, but if you’re aiming for a costume that every other group doesn’t also gravitate toward, move far away from this not-so-upside-down choice.
A Better Costume Option: From Clue characters to the Scooby-Doo crew to the Archie “kids,” there are plenty of other group costume options out there that’ll get you more than a few pity likes and a conversation about D&D.
Elvis
Elvis won’t be leaving the building this year, because people dressed like him will be found at every damn social outing you attend. Granted, Austin Butler as The King is one of those things that I like to think about when I’m home alone in bed. But! That doesn’t mean dressing like the “Jailhouse Rock” singer is the move. At least, not this year. Save the pink suit and greased hair for another time ya hound dog, because there are going to be far too many other impersonators this Halloween.
A Better Costume Option: If you didn’t hop on the Freddie Mercury trend a few years back, enough time has passed that it’s a fair option now. See also: Michael Jackson, Elton John, or even Harry Styles.
Jeffrey Dahmer
Aww! Dressing like an infamous (and very real) serial killer who murdered at least 17 people! Cute! Except not really, because TBH, dressing like the literal monsters who walk among us feels a) kinda f*cked up and b) like a gross nod of approval to potential killers who want to go down in the history books. Strange flex, ya know? Regardless of the creepy factor, there’s also that fact that, yup, a million other people will dress as Jeff this year thanks to Netflix. Maybe just skip this one forever? Besides, he’s not nearly as cute as Bundy was.
A Better Costume Option: How about we go with a fictional murderer instead? Will that work? Joe Goldberg from You can scratch that desire to dress like a mass murderer, but since he’s fake, it’s far less disturbing for all involved.
A Top Gun Character
I get it. The thought of throwing on a leather jacket and some aviators and calling it a costume is tempting. But first—and I do mean this seriously—that’s not what Halloween is about. Halloween is about pleasure. It’s about attention. It’s about being more than just some washed-up Tom Cruise character. While some people will, obviously, get your costume, they won’t be amazed by it. No one has ever been amazed by a Top Gun costume. This is a lame choice any year, but going this route five months after the (apparently) long-awaited sequel came out? You’re better than that. Be better than that.
A Better Costume Option: If you can’t shake the leather jacket thing, go the Grease route and dress as the T-Birds or Pink Ladies. At least this way you’ll look a little more original, plus you’ll honor the great Olivia Newton-John while you’re at it.
Kete
Ah yes, the strangest couple/potential PR stunt of 2021/2022. Kim Kardashian and Pete Davidson still don’t feel like a real thing that happened in pop culture history. If there were ever two people less matched, it would be the chill comedian and the, well, Kardashian. Even though this pairing has a lot going for it (see: your bf can get high and wear sunglasses while you max out your credit card on an heirloom evening gown), there’s a very real chance this will be the most popular couple’s costume of 2022. As tempted as you are, leave this pair in the past which is where Pete probably wishes his “Kim” branding was right about now.
A Better Costume Option: If this whole coupling was a stunt, dress like the OG duo who thrived on notoriety: Bonnie and Clyde. Wanna go even further back? Adam and Eve are cute too, especially with some artfully placed leaves…
Emily from Emily in Paris
Even though Emily in Paris is one of the most popular shows on Netflix, don’t you just feel a little…not smart for watching it? Granted, it makes a great hate-watch, but as far as quality TV goes, this ain’t it. Beyond just being a mediocre series, though, dressing up as Emily (you know, the one in Paris) is a perpetually uninspiring costume. Like what? You’ll wear whatever you normally wear but add a beret? If this is your idea of a good Halloween costume, please, stay home. Don’t go out. You don’t deserve spooky season with such a poor choice of judgment.
A Better Costume Option: Just cut to the chase and go as Carrie Bradshaw. It’s who Emily wants to be anyway, and at least this way you can get your SJP fill without succumbing to a Sarah Sanderson look.
Anna Delvey
Let’s be real: The only way an Anna Delvey “costume” can work is if you perfect her strange-meets-annoying accent. And even then, you have to be talking 100% of the time for anyone to understand who TF you’re supposed to be. I’m sure many people will try (and fail) to pull an Anna off, but consider this your warning that when you enter the party and every single person asks why you didn’t dress up, you’ll wish you took my advice. No matter how many times you insist you’re wearing an actual costume, no one will believe you. To quote the legend herself: “I would rather go to jail forever than come off like some wannabe. Some amateur.”
A Better Costume Option: If you’re thinking of doing an Anna Delvey costume, you likely don’t want to dress up at all. Halloween is on a Monday anyway, so go on. Cancel your plans, order a pizza, and start thinking of a better costume idea for next year. You know, one that doesn’t make you look poor.
Featured image courtesy of Getty Images/In-line images courtesy Of Netflix, Giphy (9)
Sponsored by TRESemmé
Halloween is coming up—I shouldn’t have to tell you that. When it comes to Halloween, there are two types of girls: the ones who go all-out from head to toe and have been planning an elaborate costume since April of the year before, and the ones who literally can’t be bothered to do more than throw on a T-shirt and do a slightly different beauty routine. If you ask us, Halloween hair doesn’t get the respect it deserves. If done correctly, it can totally make your look for the night. Plus, it works for either type of Halloween enthusiast. Like, if you’re super into Halloween, your hairstyle obviously has to be incorporated into whatever costume you choose. If you DGAF, you can try one of these hairstyles and literally not change your outfit at all, and boom, you’re festive. We teamed up with TRESemmé to give you four hairstyle ideas to try this Halloween.
1. Space Princess Braids
You know the one! She’s from a galaxy far, far away and her brother is a very, um, solitary figure. Her hairstyle is easily the most recognizable thing about her, and luckily it’s not that hard to recreate the look yourself at home. Here’s how you do it:
- Part your hair in the middle and split your hair into 2 sections
- Create 2 pigtails right above your ears
- Braid your first pigtail and then coil the braid into a bun. Secure with bobby pins
- Repeat for the second pigtail
- Finish with TRESemmé TRES Two Freeze Hold Hair Spray so you can dance all night without your precious braids falling.
2. Space Buns
Even outside of Halloween, space buns are a good hairstyle to have in your arsenal of know-how because you can wear them to nights out, festivals, and… ok, that’s about it. Still, you can do space buns if you want to be an alien, a bear, a tiger, and just about any cat/animal. This is what you do:
- Part your hair in the middle and split your hair into 2 sections
- Create 2 pigtails high at the top of your head
- Tease your pigtails if you want more volume
- Twist your first pigtail away from your face and coil into a bun. Secure with a hair tie
- Repeat for the second bun
- Mix 3 tbp of TRESemmé TRES Two Extra Hold Gel with 1 tbsp of colorful glitter in a small bowl (it ain’t a costume without glitter)
- Apply glitter gel to your part, painting outwards, using a small paintbrush.
- Finish with TRESemmé TRES Two Extra Hold Hair Spray (again, you want those suckers to stay in place).
3. Fishtail
Ah, yes. The mermaid. It’s a popular choice, but that doesn’t mean it’s bad. Whether you’re going to craft your own seashell bra using real shells and hot glue (hi) or just put on a bikini top and call it a day, your look obviously won’t be complete without a fishtail braid. The fishtail braid is one of my favorites because it looks really intricate but it’s actually incredibly easy to do.
- Pull hair back into a ponytail
- Divide the ponytail into two smaller, equal-sized ponytails
- Separate a half-inch section of hair from the outside of the left ponytail
- Pull this piece across the top of the left ponytail over to the right ponytail
- Next, separate a half-inch section of hair from the outside of the right ponytail
- Pull this piece across the top of the right ponytail over to the left ponytail
- Repeat steps 3-6 until you run out of hair. That’s it!
- When you’re finished braiding, secure the ends with an elastic
- Finish with TRESemmé TRES Two Ultra Fine Hair Spray to lock in your style.
4. 50s Hair
We’re talking tight, bouncy curls reminiscent of a certain former ingenue who is transformed after a summer of lovin’. Throw on your favorite red lipstick, some black leggings or leather pants if you have them, and a black leather jacket (or pleather, we don’t judge here) and you’re dressy and comfortable. The curls may take a little more skill, so you might want to enlist a friend to help with this.
- Before blow drying, apply a heat protectant spray like the TRESemmé Thermal Creations Heat Tamer before styling. Trust us, you’ll thank us for this tip later.
- Curl hair in 1- to 2-inch sections and in different directions to create a more volume and texture
- After curling a strand, release the section and loosely pin the curl at the scalp to allow it to cool
- Once the entire head is curled, release the pins and gently brush through
- Apply TRESemmé Extra Hold Mousse to hair and scrunch through to add control and hold volume. Volume is key with this look!
- Pull the hair back on one side and finish with TRESemmé TRES Two Extra Hold Hair Spray
No matter what route you go with, TRESemmé products will hold your style in place all night and keep your hair looking good.
I live and die for Halloween. I recently told a few friends that I couldn’t make dinner plans Halloween weekend because, although I currently don’t have plans, if we’re not doing something that requires a costume, I am not going. And while I’ve had my costume planned for the last six months and I’m dying my hair blue for real just for the costume, I understand that not everyone loves Halloween as much as I do. Or like, even if they do, they might have actual real lives and things to do aside from planning one outfit half a year in advance (what’s that like?). But if you have a ton of other things to focus on, or just DGAF about buying an elaborate costume for Halloween, there are still options for you to look amazing that don’t require a ton of work. I found some cute options that are cheap, easy to throw together, and look like you actually care about the greatest day of the year.
1. Scarecrow
I’ve seen this costume around for several years now and I think it’s such a cute idea. All you have to do is throw on a flannel and some overalls you probably already own, or even just mom jeans if overalls aren’t your thing. Get a cute straw hat or use your beach hat from the summer. Then the rest is just makeup. Load up on eyeliner, draw in a mouth, get some cheap drugstore black lipstick, and draw in an orange nose and cheeks. It’s so simple and really requires zero artistic ability, but looks really put-together.
2. A Mouse, Duh
Because the hardcore girls just wear lingerie and some sort of animal ears, you can throw together an easy costume that everyone will get with this hilarious “I’m a mouse, duh” shirt. Also, huge oversize shirts are so trendy right now that you’ll definitely be able to wear this post-Halloween too. Get some cute mouse years from Amazon or just make your own, pair with chic over the knee boots, and if you really want to sell it, you can draw on a little nose and whiskers. This costume is so comfortable you can literally just wear it straight to bed when you come home hammered.
3. Wednesday Addams
Wednesday Addams is an absolute classic and an easy costume for anyone. I’ve been Wednesday myself several times as an additional backup costume. This dress is super cute from Hot Topic and you’ll definitely be able to rewear it afterwards. To sell the Wednesday look, braid your hair in pigtails, do some dark makeup, and look morose. Costume finished!
4. Eleven
I am obsessed with Stranger Things and Eleven’s new 80s look is perfect for a quick costume. I also definitely bought this shirt from Hot Topic just to wear in real life. Costume pieces you can actually rewear are the best. Not only is this outfit really easy to throw together, but to make sure you look like Eleven, put your hair half up with a scrunchie, draw in a nosebleed with lipstick, and carry around a box of Eggos. Not only will everyone get it, but it’s way cooler than the pink-dress version of Eleven that has been way overdone for the past few years. It also has the makings for a great group costume.
5. Where’s Waldo?
Do you have a red and white striped shirt? What about glasses? Then you can throw together a super easy Where’s Waldo costume. If you want to be an overachiever, get a matching beanie. You can even buy this cheap set from Amazon if you want to be extra about it. The nice thing about being Waldo for Halloween is it’s so recognizable and doesn’t require a bunch of makeup or styling. You can throw it on and be good to go. Plus, then you can photobomb random people’s pictures all night and be hilarious. I mean, that’s what I would do.
6. Dead
This is my favorite of the bunch. Just be dead. Literally dead. Not only do you get to wear a super comfy sweatshirt, but it’s so funny. I would pair it with a skirt and boots, and if you want to really go for it, do some ghostly dead girl makeup, too, complete with dark lipstick. Or you could just be like me and never, ever sleep. Then you’ll already have the dark circles and sunken-in look! Don’t forget the cold, dead look in your eyes that only comes from true exhaustion! Perfect!
Please post pics of your favorite last minute costumes in the comments!
Images: Hot Topic (2); Shop Betches (2); bangtsikitsiki / Instagram; Giphy (3)
Betches may receive a portion of revenue if you click a link and purchase a product or service. The links are independently placed and do not influence editorial content.
In Girl World, Halloween is the one day a year where a girl can put literally no effort into a costume, but it still looks half decent if she can rope at least two of her friends to do a group Halloween costume.
It’s called the Cheerleader Effect, actually, and you may already be familiar with it. Well, technically, according to Wikipedia, it’s called the Group Attractiveness Effect, but whatever. It’s basically the cognitive bias that causes people to perceive a group to be hotter than individuals are. While this whole thing kind of sounds like bullsh*t to me, I will agree that it’s totally legit on Halloween. A costume that sucks for an individual might look like an actual costume if it’s a group costume. (“Say costume again.” “Costume.”) For example, wearing mouse ears and sunglasses and calling yourself a “blind mouse” is f*cking stupid. However, conning two of your non-creative friends to wear the same thing and calling yourselves “Three Blind Mice” is a legitimate Halloween move.
Now that I’ve explained the science behind terrible group Halloween costumes, here’s a guide to what your group Halloween costume says about your friend group. (Other than the obvious fact that at least one of you has access to Pinterest.)
Literally Any Kind Of Alcohol
I mean, this one’s obvious. If you attended college, or even just followed girls who have attended college on Instagram, you’ve seen a million variations of DIY alcohol-inspired costumes. Whether it’s girls trying to create a skirt out of a Bud Light case or the slightly (like, very slightly) more resourceful Franiza box or bag, these costumes all say the same thing: you want everyone to know how much you booze. Girl groups who dress as alcohol for Halloween may not be the heaviest drinkers out there, but they’re definitely the ones who talk about drinking the most. They still drunk tweet in 2018. They have a finstagram past the age of 25. Although they’re always joking about how they’re eternally single, they always seem to be at a bachelorette party. “Party girls don’t get hurt” is their go-to Instagram caption or bio. You get the idea.
Sexy Disney Princesses
If you and your friends dress up as sexy Disney Princesses, you are the worst kind of people. I’m kidding. I’m not. I’m kidding. (I feel like I have to say that I am kidding, but I will let you, dear reader, decide for yourself.)
Anyway, Halloween costumes that consist of a glittery corset and a tutu are one kind of terrible, but making it Disney branded really brings it to another level. This group Halloween costume definitely had a moment in like, 2012, when we all discovered Pinterest and girls who were popular on Facebook and had really long, straight blond platinum hair and a closet full of VS Pink. Sexy Disney characters basically say “Here is a thing I really loved as a child, and coincidentally, here are my boobs.” It’s just… weird?
Mean Girls, Spice Girls, Or Any Other Go-To Girl Group
I’m never one to shoot down a Mean Girls reference. I mean, unless someone calls something fetch. Like, have you even seen the movie? I digress. But the problem with Mean Girls as a group Halloween costume is that it can look stale fast. If you realized that you and your two best friends have the perfect hair colors (Two blondes and a brunette? Congrats) to dress up as the Plastics and then wear some pink clothing, *Randy Jackson voice* it’s a no from me, dawg. If you go all the f*ck out as Janis Ian or Caroline Kraft, then yes, that’s amazing. Personally, I once accidentally dyed my hair black once, so I went as Cady’s “axe wife” costume. But like, I committed. I worse those nasty fake teeth ALL NIGHT. I guess the point of this rant is: a tank top with two tit holes does not a Regina George make!
The same goes for the Spice Girls, although this costume is significantly more difficult to pull off because it requires you to have a redheaded friend, which are just harder to find statistically. Clueless is another one that’s making the ranks in cliche group costumes, given the fact that every fast fashion store is selling plaid pleated skirts right now.
Boxers
Sports bra. Spandex shorts. Braids. Silk robe that makes everyone question whether you’re actually trying to be a Victoria’s Secret Angel. These are the markings of someone who has completed the Kayla Itsines Bikini Body Guide at least once. Of course, there’s no shade behind that statement; I can’t wait until I can finally make it past week one so that I, too, can someday be a boxer or some other ambiguous athlete costume for Halloween.
A Costume Where You Just Write Stuff On Shirts
These costumes tend to vary by year, but the most quintessential of them all is definitely “Netflix and Chill.” Obviously, there are different levels of offenders here. Some just straight-up write “Netflix” on a T-shirt in Sharpie, some print out the logo and tape it on the front. Either way, it’s a stupid costume, and you can and should do better. Like, have some decency and throw on some cat ears or something.
If you’re really going to be lazy, at least be cute. There’s a whole collection of just shirts that say stuff on them that you can wear on Halloween on Shop Betches. You’re welcome.
Shop Betches Don’t Ask Me What My Costume Is Oversized T-Shirt Dress
Images: totalsororitymove / Instagram; Giphy (3)
It’s finally October, which means it’s basically Halloween already. You know Whole Foods has been selling pumpkin spice cold brew and Rs bars since August anyway. Halloween means many wonderful things. As a kid, it meant dressing in elaborate costumes and gorging myself on as on as much candy corn as humanly possible, then knocking on different apartment doors to “trick or treat” because New York was lame. When I was in middle school I used to sew myself costumes styled after my favorite historical characters, like Lady Jane Grey being led off to her execution (check out the painting I styled it after for your edification), because I was weird af. Now, though, I don’t really care enough to buy myself a costume, let alone go effing sew something. I still dig the candy, though.
Anyway, by the time Halloween rolls around, I’m usually panicking because I have no freaking clue what I’m going to wear. And since Halloween usually means a whole weekend of parties aka at least three different costumes, that’s kind of a lot to make up on the spot. So, without further ado, here are some costume ideas with varying levels of effort so you don’t have to lose your sh*t 30 minutes before your party.
If You Do Everything As A Group & Need The Best Friend Insta…
For extra and highly put-together friend groups, order a costume and plan ahead. Duh. Do Clueless or Britney Spears in all her various outfits. Both are basic but classics for a reason, and that reason is that they look adorable in photos. Tbh, this is the category I always try to fall in, but lo and behold I did not plan, and suddenly I find myself in a flowery shorts and crop top set, trying to convince people that I am “Coachella.”
If you don’t want to necessarily order something but still dig the extra group vibe, you could be all the characters from Riverdale (preppy for Betty, that stupid hat thing for Jughead, red for Cheryl, etc…) or any other TV show where the characters essentially dress like normal people with a little extra flare because, like, it’s not that hard to come up with.
If You’re An Attention-Seeker Who Wants To Impress People
These take a little less planning but more effort because you to actually use your brain a little. If you want to seem intellectual but slutty, then find a sexy slip and tape little thoughts to it so you’re a Freudian slip.
If you feel like going a lil scary, cut up a white dress you don’t, like, actually care about and cover it with red paint and go as a murder victim. Tbh I tried to do this last year with red lipstick and it totally failed, so make sure to get actual paint.
Or, you could always pull a Regina George and just cut holes in your t-shirt and call it a day!
If You Forgot To Order A Costume And Need Help ASAP
You didn’t think far enough ahead to order something but you don’t want to look lame either. Scrounge in your closet and get ~creative~.
If you miss the days when wearing a slutty kilt was part of your school uniform, see if you still have one (and if it still fits ripppp) and do Gossip Girl, Britney Spears in her slutty school girl video, or honestly just “slutty school girl” if you really can’t think of a good cultural phenomenon to justify why you’re wearing a high school kilt and a black bra.
Other basic but tried-and-true options for the desperate are: wear pink to be Regina George from Mean Girls and/or Elle from Legally Blond; find a little black dress and some costume jewelry to be Audrey; or wear 90s clothes and be someone from Friends.
If You Literally Hate Halloween
You really don’t care. You just don’t want to get yelled at for not following the “wear a costume!!!” theme. Try ordering one of the Shop Betches T-shirt dresses if you want to give everyone at the party a giant middle finger.
Shop Betches I’m A Mouse Duh Oversized T-Shirt Dress
Or, if you can’t get your shit together enough to order a freaking T-shirt, then so what I did last year: wear a black leather skirt, a black sports bra, and lots of glitter. Tell people you’re either a rocker or the galaxy depending on your mood. No one will be able to guess your costume, so it’s a conversation starter at the very least.
But for the love of God, do come up with something. People that turn up to parties wearing a jeans and a crop top because they’re a “college student” (maybe this is funny if you’re not in college still, IDK) are actually so lame and everyone hates you. So don’t be that person.
Oh, and the only thing worse than a sucky costume is an offensive one. Please don’t be that person. Seriously.
K bye. Got to go find my own high school kilt for a party tonight. It’s never too early to start drinking ~celebrating~ yet another pointless holiday that allows girls to dress like sluts, companies to rake in money by selling cheap polyester and alarmingly colored foods, and people to drink themselves half to death. Happy Halloween!!!
Imags: lizfanopoulos, coolhalloweencostumes / Instagram; Giphy (1); Shop Betches (1)
Ah, Halloween—innovative costumes, chilling haunted house-inspired decor, and that crisp, cool weather we look forward to all year. Haaaa, I fucking wish. Idk if it’s the incessant articles about fall that I force my 59 followers friends to read or the pure rage I develop when my attempt at a slutty Poison Ivy costume somehow always ends up looking like Shrek, but what we think of Halloween actually only exists in places like Pinterest or borderline demonic Disney films. And yeah, it might sound like I’ve become a bitter bitch, but that’s only because I’m actually a bitter bitch.
Anyway, I’m not here to throw all my problems on you—my therapist frowned upon that. There’s a lot that goes into Halloween that never actually happens, and that’s honestly way too much work for an attempt at record-breaking Instagram likes on a night you probably won’t remember anyway. Thankfully, I’m here to let you down easy and tell you what to really expect come your boyfriend’s sister’s grand big’s monster bash, and why I think Halloween is the most overrated holiday (sorry, Satan, but I’m going to hell anyway). But if you’re one of those idiots who lives and breathes Halloween because you hate yourself so much that you have to be someone else to feel good, you can go shave your back now drown in your own bowl of Mini-Twix.
Actual convo we’ll have if you disagree with me:
Fall Weather
EXPECTATION: You’re already planning your pumpkin patch-inspired Instagram complete with that fall sweater from Nordstrom’s annual sale (BACK IN FUCKING JULY) that you’ve been harboring for like, seven years now. Once September hits, you’re about to rip the tags off your new leather boots, so you can eagerly mask your post-summer bloat in the cutest cozy fall attire, because you know what they say: boyfriends come and go, but leggings are forever.
REALITY: Don’t even get me started. Actually, never mind—I’ve already been triggered. I despise our garbage president for many reasons, but mostly because he’s apparently unaware of this thing called Global Warming that’s causing me to freeze my ass off, and then sweat my dick off all in the short amount of time it takes me to get to the bar after work on a Friday. Nothing tastes as good as baggy clothes make us feel, but no amount of likes on a fall OOTD pic is worth the buckets of boob sweat generated by this incessant heat stroke.
Halloween Decorations
EXPECTATION: This will be the year you finally give in and line your mantle with those annoying sticky webs that literally cling to everything you own. You’re so ready to go full Grandma Cromwell and deck the halls with boughs of horror—oh, and HELLO, stupidly over-priced adorbs accent pillows!
REALITY: You know when you take your headphones out of your bag after just putting them in 30 seconds ago and they’re in just as big of a clusterfuck as your life is? After going through the entire bag of web, congrats—you’ve successfully covered about three square feet of wall space in what looks like a heap of unrolled cotton balls. Stick a skull head on your table, and leave the decorating to your parents from now on.
Pumpkin Carving
EXPECTATION: Getting my friends together to do dumb activities no one cares about, like carving pumpkins, as an excuse to get shitfaced on a Wednesday is the one LinkedIn skill I pride myself in being endorsed on. The excitement of chugging pumpkin beer and watching throwbacks like Mom’s Got a Date With a Vampire while competing to see who can carve the best pumpkin without anyone asking “Wait, what is that?” is thrilling.
REALITY: Don’t get me wrong: pumpkin carving is the best—besides the part where you actually have to carve the pumpkin. It’s like painting a room: the movies make it look like it’s as exhilarating as sending a hoe-ish text at 2am, but in reality, it’s so much more than that. Three minutes into regretting trying to carve a Cheshire Cat, you’ll make the slightest wrong cut, only to knock a whole row of teeth out and fuck up the entire thing. Not only will you be stuck cleaning pumpkin goo off the table, but your jack-o-lantern will probably look like it just went on a 3-month alcohol bender and woke up with a half-opened eye and four teeth missing. Whatever, that’s why the devil invented alcohol.
Buying Candy
EXPECTATION: You hit up the Halloween aisle for the best and most frowned-upon candy and in the process, you even selflessly think to bag some up for your besties!
Side note: when tf did tiny bags of candy become so expensive? Tbh, my friends aren’t that great.
REALITY: It apparently didn’t occur to you that you either live on the 27th floor of a city complex or a tiny dorm room, and that the only children you’ll probably see all day are the ones dressed in fugly ‘90s getup in the Dannon Yogurt commercial. You’ve gotta get rid of the candy somehow, so you decide to take one for the team and experiment with the Wonka Nerds and craft your own witches brew of flavored hangover vodka, but like, it could be worse… Also, you’re welcome for that million-dollar idea.
Making Your Costume
EXPECTATION: The absolute best part of Halloween is crafting up the most original, not-too-slutty-but-pretty-fucking-slutty costume. For once, you got ahead of the game and began the planning process even before October came around. And to top it all off, you found the perfect YouTube makeup tutorial you’re about to watch like, 12 times in order to get the perfect sexy zombie bride face. No really, this is about to be some next-level shit.
REALITY: Spoiler alert: It’s October 30th. You’ve achieved nothing but an overloaded Amazon shopping cart filled with items that are 100% guaranteed to overdraft your checking account. Your party is tomorrow night, so you should probably just try Sears. Lol JK, I’m your friend, remember? You knew this would happen again, so you should really just order the best effing costume you’ve ever worn from our Betches store (yeah it’s a plug, fucking prosecute me) to save yourself time, money, and a year’s worth of embarrassment when you think about showing up in last year’s bumble bee leotard.
The Halloween Party
EXPECTATION: The night has finally arrived. You and your friends are planning on getting inappropriately drunk before arriving to the party—for precautionary purposes, of course. You’ll be sipping on whatever the fuck is in that witches brew concoction, while yelling “OMG that’s so good!” to your friend’s unoriginal Khaleesi/possibly-also-Elsa-from-Frozen getup. You managed to get that one Instagram you’re about to fully dissect and edit when you’re alone later on, so yeah, life is good.
REALITY: You show up only to lay eyes half the party wearing your typical run-of-the-mill fuckboy Halloween staple: A white tee with some sort of dumb fucking saying like “Error 404: Costume Not Found” sharpied on it. Nobody told you that a “horror” theme was actually because of your ears bleeding from hearing “Monster Mash” play on repeat 87 times. Oh, and that witches brew? I’d steer clear unless you’re into the kind of thing that is chugging the leftover middle cup ingredients from King’s Cup. But it’s ok because if all else fails, there’s always some Freeform marathon to binge while also bingeing Snickers and tequila.
Happy haunting, witches.
Jambo! If you’re reading this, you’re like me a procrastinator and haven’t even planned out what you’re having for lunch, let alone your Halloween costume. It’s just like, way too much effort. But you’d never pass up an opportunity to get shit faced, and you know that being that girl who shows up to the bar in no costume, looking like a frigid bitch, is social suicide. So you need a quick and easy costume that requires little to no energy expenditure on your part. Oh, and it’s got to be slutty. Since we all know, Halloween is the one time of year when girls can dress like a total slut and no other girls can say anything about it. So that’s why on this momentous October 3rd, we’re brining back our best-selling I’m A Mouse Duh Halloween costume!
This oversize T-shirt dress is super soft and comfy and it’s 100% cotton. Oh, and it’s black. Wear it with tights and knee-high boots for a really slutty sexy look, or over leggings if you’re like, practical and stuff. These sold out last year, and for good reason. Run, don’t walk, to shopbetches.com to get yours now!
BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE. If you don’t want to repeat costumes or like, your friend already has the I’m A Mouse Duh shirt, we got you. This year we’re introducing a BRAND NEW costume, Boo You Whore.
You: OMG Betches, you’re fucking geniuses!
Us: I know, right?
Just like the I’m A Mouse Duh costume, Boo You Whore is a 100% cotton oversize T-shirt dress. Again, super soft, super comfy, you’ll basically live in this shit.
Again, go buy it now because it WILL sell out. And also because Halloween is like, not that far away. Just saying, you can’t afford to procrastinate that much longer.
Click here to shop our Halloween costumes!
Tomorrow officially marks the first day of basic bitch szn fall, so you know what that means. It’s essentially Halloween, bitches. Get ready for nauseating candy corn Pinterest concoctions and ultra thotty Instagrams because say it with me: Halloween is the one night a year when a girl can dress up like a total slu—actually, I don’t feel like it typing it out for the millionth time. You already know the line, it’ll be your caption on October 31st. Slutty costumes require a lot of planning and effort. Like, I’ve been stressing over mine since fucking July because I don’t want to be the same thing as 10 other sluts on my Insta feed. While being the center of attention is fun, so is sharing the spotlight with your main betches. Nothing parts the red Solo cup sea quite like a bangin’ group costume. 2017 has brought us the bad and the ugly, but boy, did it bring some good costume inspo. From yours truly, here are the group costumes you and your #squad need to start coordinating now so no other basic bitches steal it first.
1. The Handmaids
If I’m being frank, this probably won’t be the most original idea since everyone and their mother has watched this show, but it’s gonna be a good one. To further carry your obsession with the scarily accurate plot, have you and your girls turn heads at every party with a mysterious red cloak and Little Bo Peep bonnet. Don’t buy this for $70 on Yandy or some shit, just go on Amazon. It already has a ~feminist~ flair so bonus points there, but if you want to reveal some more skin because you can wear whatever the fuck you want, swap the red cloak out for a v tight red bodycon dress. I mean, this might be the last year you can legally dress like a slut or go out in public except to run errands for your rich mistress, so live it up while you can.
2. The Kardashians
I’ve yet to see a group actually pull this off without looking like idiots, so I’m throwing this out there in hopes that I will finally be impressed this year. This is, by far, one of the easiest costumes ever, tbh. Either coordinate all together in the same color bodycon or have each person wear a staple piece of a particular Kardashian. Get yourself some butt pads and find cheap (not tacky) hair extensions and part your hair down the middle. Put on your best falsies, fave Kylie lipkit, and contour the fuck out of your face. Pair with thigh-high boots and would you look at that—Kardashian for life, baby.
3. The Liquor That Makes You Sicker
If I had a dime for every time I saw sorority girls coordinate as different kinds of boxed Franzia wine, I’d be a fucking millionaire by now. Cliché but still (half) true. Instead of doing something overdone and annoying, dress up as your worst enemy go-to liquor. Swap out the Franzia for the one liquor we love to hate: Fireball. Whatever you do, don’t go that extra mile and be that girl who says, “And I’ll beee drinking this allll night tooo” because you will be that girl who doesn’t even make it past the pregame. No one likes that girl.
4. Swipe Right
A cupid, bumble bee, and lone flame walk into a bar… and they meet their next husband fuckboy. Sounds like an ordinary weekend. You can’t deny your addiction to swiping left and right and using it as an excuse to cop a booty call, so there’s no reason why you and your girls can’t wear it loud and proud this year.
5. A Certain Iconic Celebrity with Multiple Personalities
“Maybe 2018 will be my year,” Taylor Swift probs says to herself every night before she goes to sleep. By the looks of it? Um, no, sweetie, uh-uh. However, you have given us even more ideas than I thought possible for a grool Halloween costume *and* being hella extra when I find out someone keeps my receipts. TYSM. The old Taylor might be dead (debatable), but all the old Taylors are conveniently located in one video for reference for your group costume. Just make sure that when you dress up like a frigid bitch you don’t look constipated.
6. The Greatest People You’ll Ever Meet
#ShamelessPlug This year for Halloween, we’re bringing back our best-selling I’m A Mouse Duh T-Shirt dress so you can be comfortable, lazy, and slutty all at the same time. We literally sold thousands of these last year so you know they’re good. But this year, we’re adding ANOTHER Mean Girls-inspired costume: Boo You Whore. It’s a super comfy white T-shirt dress so you can be a slutty ghost, no cutting holes in sheets necessary. Pick one up for every member of your group to let everyone know they can’t sit with you. They’re on sale now at Shop Betches, but hurry tf up because they WILL sell out.
You: Omg Betches, you guys are like, the smartest people ever!
Us: I know, right?
