I hate any time of year that brings temperatures below 70 degrees, tbh. The whole month of October is the only exception solely because the food is better, drinks are slightly stronger thanks to hard cider, and most importantly, it’s fucking Halloween. This holiday isn’t for everyone because some people
are fucking lame don’t enjoy dressing up for one night a year. I get it. For those of us who enjoy wearing lingerie in public, we appreciate the parties and all that goes bump in the night. And, I mean, as a betch living in NYC, anything that makes a sound in the middle of the night can truly be anything, some of which we’re def better off not knowing. With less than two weeks before the shit show that is Halloweekend, what better way to get psyched than visiting the city’s best haunted houses? Even if giving yourself a heart attack doesn’t sound as exciting as rewatching Hocus Pocus, just think of all the possibilities that could happen if you dragged your Bumble boy to come with you.
1. Blood Manor
It’s NYC’s most popular haunted house attraction, so chances are you already know this one exists. Located in downtown Manhattan on Varick St., the haunted house is a huge-ass warehouse with different rooms and corners designed to scare the shit out of you. Once you’re inside, you’ll be greeted with clowns, creepy girls with long hair, disfigured zombies, and like, other terrifying shit in darkness. The whole thing can last about 20 minutes, depending on how fast you can run out of there. Tickets start at $30, and since lines can get hella long, you can spend an extra $15 to cut everyone.
2. This Is Real NYC
This is def one of the scariest of the bunch. This one-of-a-kind experience in Brooklyn is a combo of the “Escape Room” trend sprouting up all over the city and a real-life American Horror Story episode. It’s noted that it’s “not a haunted house,” and that’s because it’s so much worse. Your ticket purchase begins with the narrative that you’ve been kidnapped alone and don’t remember how or why. (Sounds like the intro sequence to every episode of Law & Order: SVU; I’ve been preparing my whole life for this.) When you arrive to the event, you watch the previous victims get tortured and it’s up to you to figure out how to escape. I’ll take a million rain checks, thanks. If you’re into this sadistic kind of shit, ticket prices start at $95, and I’m calling the police.
3. I Survived The Room
So like, an “Escape Room” on too much crack to function is essentially what this is. Right in Long Island City, I Survived The Room is providing twisted, brave people (ahem, me) an opportunity to escape an asylum while handcuffed and you only have an hour to do so. Tickets start at $25.
4. Chamber Of Horrors NY
I’ll be honest. This one is in Long Island so it involves extra effort to get to, but that’s what pregaming on the LIRR is for. The Chamber of Horrors consists of three different haunted houses, each with a bunch of strobe lights and other seizure-inducing effects, so beware. They have different options for entering each of their haunts, one being in complete darkness and the other allowing full-on contact. Yeah, fuck that, but if this is the slightest bit intriguing to you, tickets start at $30, or $40 to skip the long lines.
5. Boroughs Of The Dead Macabre New York City Walking Tours
It’s no surprise that there’s a lot of creepy, haunted shit in New York City. I mean like, really-haunted-probably-on-Syfy type of shit. If you’re a hardcore fan of Halloween and summoning spirits from the dead without the Ouija board you used in high school, consider attending any of these walking tours through some of the most haunted spots in the city. The tours are across most of the boroughs, highlighting the dark and disturbing history each spot has to offer. They promise (and guarantee) none of this is bullshit so, they’re the real deal without reality TV cameras following them. Check out their calendar and select a two-hour tour with tickets starting at $25.