We’re mere weeks away from the holiday most beloved by betches: Halloween. And what’s not to love about a holiday that encourages you to drunk eat chocolate while you drunk dial your ex? Tbh Halloween is so much more than just showing up on October 31st ready to fuck up your life in a pair of poorly constructed animal ears. No, Halloween is all about the long game, about how you incorporate dressing up like a slut and poisoning your body with pumpkin flavored liquor the holiday spirit into your everyday life. Some people choose to do this by testing the literal limits of my sanity every casual Friday during the month of October by showing up to work in anime cosplay and telling everyone they’re just being “festive.” Then there are those who spend the first 30 days of October building up to the big event by tagging old college photos of themselves dressed like a baby prostitute at a theme party with the caption “More trick than treat! *Winky Face Emoji*”. To each their own, but also I’m unfollowing everyone. Others choose to act less like a cry for help be more subtle about showing their love for Halloween, and one way to go about doing that are chic af Halloween nails. Now there’s a fine line between chic and cheesy, so don’t get it twisted. Here are 6 Halloween nail trends that aren’t totally heinous.
1. Pastel Pumpkin
We all know that whoever said orange was the new pink was seriously disturbed, but it is Halloween, so I guess we have to tolerate it for time being. Believe it or not, pastel orange is going to be the way to chic this fall color up. I know, never did I ever think I’d use the words “pastel” and “fall” in the same sentence, but as long as pigs are flying maybe I should get back on Bumble and see if I can lock down a man for cuffing season? Lol, I crack myself up. Even though pastels are usually reserved for spring and summer, 2017 is the year that literally nobody could give a shit about rules and civility, so why not make pastels in the fall a thing. It’s truly anarchy out there in the world.
2. Cat Claws
A cat costume for Halloween? Groundbreaking. Even though dressing up as a cat for Halloween all but screams, “I have the personality of low-fat yogurt,” these bomb-ass nails will give a new twist to a basic bitch’s go-to costume.
3. The Walking Dead Inside
If you’re into staying up all night to rewatch all of Scandal and ruining your fucking life the zombified look, then you’ve got to try this ombre red nail effect. It’ll make you look badass and be the perfect bloody accessory for your Halloween costume.
4. Halloween Accents
If you want to look like you don’t give a shit when you give a shit be more subtle with your Halloween spirit, then try for some Halloween nail accents like white nails with black graphic accents or black nails with orange accents. It says you barely give a fuck about Halloween even though you 100 percent paid $35+ for that special manicure.
5. Witchy Vibes
I consider myself a basic witch pretty much 365 days of the year, but October is the one month where I truly get to express the fact that I’m vengeful AF someone who acts like she’s an extra on AHS Coven. Lol I’m so random. Go for a basic black background and then add some witchy gold accents so that all of your ex-boyfriends will know that you’re one “u up” text away from going all Madison Montgomery on their asses.
6. Basic Black
Obviously, you don’t need a specific season or event to embrace the color black, but like, Halloween is as good excuse as any. Aside from the color black being iconic, it will also look amaze with any costume you choose.
You know how some people say they can judge a guy based on how he treats waiters? Or how he acts around the elderly? Well, we prefer to judge guys based on how they show up on Halloween. While a girl can spend weeks putting together the final touches on her Wonder Woman corset, guys usually think of their costumes 10 minutes before the pregame, or they just don’t dress up at all. You’d think it wouldn’t be that hard for a guy to put on a decent costume that doesn’t scream “I’m a tool,” but for some reason, so many miss the mark. Here’s what a guy’s costume says about him, just so you know what you’re waking up next to on November 1st.
The Full-On Mascot Suit
Oh god. The full suit. This is your typical “Who would actually buy that?” costume, including but not limited to: the banana, the M&M, the Angry Bird, the Ninja Turtle, the Pikachu, the hotdog, and that goddamn yellow minion. Cringe. Costumes like these are so alarming, and it probably means this guy is an immature freak who is likely to take your relationship too seriously. Like, he’s trying too hard to be funny, and he definitely looked you up on Facebook when he went to the bathroom. He’s a creep. Just like any costumed adult you would avoid in Times Square, avoid this guy too. However, I do want a copy of the receipt to laugh at how much this guy spent at Party City. I just really need to know.
The Donald Trump Costume
If you show up in a Donald Trump costume on Halloween, I’d like to sit you down privately and ask you how exactly you thought this would go over. Trump won the election a year ago, and the joke hasn’t suddenly gotten funnier since Halloween 12 months ago. I mean, at least at that time no one knew he would win yet. Also, what is your goal here? Because if it’s to hook up, then you’re sorely mistaken. Do you really think a girl would look at your costume and think like, “OMG Donald Trump, how cute and funny! I think I’ll go home with that guy.” Nope. At least in a Hillary costume you could potentially get with a drunk feminist and call it a night. The Trump costume is a huge red flag for sooo many reasons. Next.
The Jersey & Jeans
This costume honestly takes no effort whatsoever, but we kinda respect a guy who throws on a basketball jersey five seconds before he leaves the house. Hear us out. It shows that he’s chill and mature enough not to give a fuck about Halloween, but also realizes that he needs to do something to commemorate the holiday. Plus, every guy just looks good in a jersey and jeans. It’s a fact. Like, this guy is simple, to the point, and mature enough to not make a fool out of himself. He’s already lived in Murray Hill and he’s over it. This is the type of guy who wants to order wine at dinner and knows exactly what bottle he wants. Plus, he’ll probably take you to a Knicks game. He’s a keeper.
The Very Creative Pun
Pun costumes are those ones that make you take a second to think about it, and then say, “OH I get it, but like… why.” We’re referring to the “Cereal Killer” dressed in a Frosted Flakes shirt with a water gun. Or the “Starbucks” with gold stars and money signs painted on a Hanes V-neck. These stories are real and they’re tragic, and so is this guy. I mean, you might be impressed that he went to Yale or that he reads a lot, but like, this guy put way too much thought into this costume and he’s either a legit weirdo or he’s missing a screw. Most likely both.
The Firefighter/ Military/ Policeman Variation
This is a tough one, because it depends on how much commitment this guy has put into this costume. Like, if he’s just wearing aviators and a police hat with a normal outfit, this guy probably has his shit together and we can get on board. On the other hand, if it’s obvious that the guy ordered a full-on firefighter suit online three weeks ago, this kid has to get his priorities straight. Plus, he probably thinks he looks legitimately sexy in his too-short camo shorts, when he just looks like a 14-year-old boy dressing up as Magic Mike. This is probably the guy who enjoys group chats and still refers to his 2007 AEPi mixers as his “glory days.” Send help.
The T-Shirt That Says “This is My Costume”
Ugh, my heart goes out to the guys who find this T-shirt in Target and think it would be a clever, no-fuss Halloween costume. I mean, this guy is obviously lost and has no sisters, but he actually might not be such a bad guy. This is one of those guys who has potential to be legit boyfriend material, but you’d just have to take his AmEx to purchase him a new wardrobe and a few necessary Kiehl’s products. This is the kid who was nerdy in high school, but he’s honestly kinda hot now and probably cleans his socks off the floor without being asked. Don’t give up on him just yet. But also don’t go home with him. I mean, have you seen his shirt? It’s not his night.
Prepping for Halloween can be very stressful and tedious, which is probably why we avoid all Party City’s and Spirits until like, October 30th. Not only do we have to plan the perfect slutty costume and carefully map out which bars we’re hitting up, but we also have to take our Halloween makeup into consideration. Do we really want to watch YouTube tutorials until the end of time on how to apply fake lashes? No. And do we actually want to risk running around in public with half a skeleton face? Um, way too much fucking work for a night I’m trying not to remember. In effort to make both your life and Halloween planning a little easier, I’ve picked the perfect DIY makeup inspo to go with your basic slutty Halloween costume. These are easy enough to do without wasting hours of drinking time and require like, the minimal amount of effort possible.
1. Pennywise/‘It’ Clown
Like you, I also thought everyone was over the creepy pedophile clown hysteria, but thanks to Stephen fucking King (no, really, thanks a lot, asshole), we’ll be seeing a ton of clowns this Halloween just waiting to scare the shit out of us. If you’re into making this “sexy clown” trend a thing, the makeup is super simple. First, find a deep cherry red eyeshadow to shade your eyes with, especially underneath your waterline. Wing the fuck out of your blackest liquid eyeliner (duh) and put on like, 20 layers of bomb mascara. Lastly, with a dark reddish lip color like MAC’s Retro Matte Liquid Lipcolour in carnivorous (how fitting) or Betches x Winky Lux Happy Pill, rub on your lips, shade in your nose, and draw a massive U on your face, pointing the tips above your eyes.
2. A Mouse, Fucking Duh
Since your definition of a costume is obviously our totally fetch I’m A Mouse Duh Oversized T-Shirt Dress, your commitment to going above and beyond this Halloween is def slim to none. We’re like, way too cool to be zombie ex-wives anyway. Instead of wearing a dramatic costume, you can totes go big on your makeup for a major wow effect. For the perfect makeup to go along with your animal ears, use a combo of a shimmery light gray, matte gray, and black eyeshadow for a killer smokey eye. Be sure to use a super light color for the inner eye and line in black liquid liner. After mascara, prep your lips in a bold black or an equally dark alternative like the Betches x Winky Lux Crazy Pill that won’t potentially drive away any chances of hooking up with someone. With a fine tip, give yourself a cute nose and small whiskers.
3. A Thotty Snapchat Filter
If you overuse the basic Snapchat filter too much for your own good, you may as well wear it out on the one night you can actually get away with doing so. Whether you’re aiming for the puppy, cat, or deer, the animal faces are literally so easy to replicate. Unfortunately, you will have to get some dreaded face paint, but it’s so minimal that you won’t make your face look like a 5-year-old’s arts project. After concealer and foundation, create some sort of upside down crescent on your forehead. Lightly shade brown paint in, creating a blended look and use the same shade to apply barely-there circles on your cheeks. On your forehead, give yourself some white freckles and to finish, shade your nose in black. For your lips, go with something a little more natural looking like the Betches x Winky Lux Chill Pill. Go forth and thot, Bambi.
4. Wonder Woman
Wonder Woman is the baddest bitch of them all (after Bey, ofc) and she’s a princess too, so that only makes her a million times better. No wonder why we’re all trying to be slutty versions of her and appear as though we know one fucking thing about comics this Halloween. Pop art is surprisingly easy AF to do on yourself, so all you’ll need is a good set of falsies, black and white liquid liners, gold and maroon eyeshadows, and Kylie’s Mary Jo K lip kit. If I’m being blunt, you’re outlining all of the areas where you’d potentially want Botox done in black liquid liner. In white, accentuate the areas that really draw attention (inner eye, nose, and mouth). Create a golden ombre eye and add a fab true red lip.
This one looks the most difficult, but I assure you it’s not. It just involves wearing fishnet tights over your head. Casual. For a glittery mermaid look, you’ll need a pair of fishnets to throw over your head for like, fish scales and shit. While wearing, brush lavender powder along your forehead and cheekbones. OK, now remove the tights. Highlight your eyebrow arches, cheeks, and nose with sparkly shit to really make them pop. Shade your eyes in a dark pale pink shadow and wear your best fake lashes. Feel free to dot your face randomly with small gems and lastly, apply the chic limited edition Betches x Winky Lux Chill Pill matte lipstick. Plus, it comes with a galactic glittery lip balm that you never knew you needed for this holiday’s shit show.
Halloween is officially around the corner, and there are three options: 1) dedicate all your time and energy to a very cool, original costume that someone will eventually throw up on, 2) throw some bullshit together last minute, or 3) wear what everybody else is wearing and just hope your version isn’t the shittiest. I’ve tried all three Halloween methods in my lifetime, and I gotta say, number three is definitely the most satisfying. You get the joy of wearing a cool costume without getting your hopes up too much that everything will change once your ex sees you in your spot-on Sexy Demogorgon costume.
So how do you figure out what people are wearing this year so that you can copy it with minimal effort? Pinterest, duh! According to Cosmo, these are the top pinned costumes for 2017, so check it out and get to filling your Amazon cart:
First of all, if you’re doing a couples costume, maybe reconsider? Is this relationship really in it for the long haul? Do you want to work hard on a super cute Old People From Up costume with some fuckboy just to delete it in a post-breakup rage later? Are you secretly annoying the fuck out of everyone around you? These are all important things to consider before committing to a couple’s costume.
Daenerys Targaryen And Jon Snow
Obviously. This is the kind of costume that seems like a winner but in actuality is going to be expensive and a pain in the ass to pull off. Unless you and your boyfriend just happen to have a long black fur cloak, two dragons, and a fuckton of swords lying around, just don’t do it.
90s nostalgia got errybody out here tryna be a Rugrat. And honestly, with so many Rugrats to choose from, this is a pretty good option. Phil and Lil are probably the easiest (overalls, bow, no bow, vague incest vibes), whereas a Tommy Pickles costume gets you to the whole point of Halloween: leaving the house without any pants.
‘Big Little Lies’
Oooh, a costume party within a costume party, aren’t you meta? Every friend group that’s ever dreamed of someday becoming
murderers Monterey Bay housewives will be doing some variety of the Audrey Hepburn costumes from Big Little Lies, or you could just like, be Audrey Hepburn.
We’re still doing this one, I guess. Searches for these costumes are up 40% from last year, which is insane because last year was like, the year of r
ealizing Stranger Things. Anyway, you might be tempted to be Eleven, but my vote is for sexy demogorgon all the way.
Apparently this boxer costume has been pinned more than 5,000 times?!? It’s cute, but like, random. But hey, it’s cute and you’ll definitely be able to repurpose every aspect of this costume for later use. Except maybe the gloves.
The Four Seasons
If you want to indicate to everyone around you that you and your friends are try-hards with a lot of time on your hands, please show up as the four seasons. You’ll know which one is the dud of the group because she’ll be the one dressed as a big fall pumpkin.
I mean, we all have to so something with our free red bathing suits from SunnyCo Clothing, right? This is less of a costume and more of a thinly veiled excuse to wear your high-cut red one piece one more time before winter, but whatever. As we know, Halloween is the one night a year you can dress like a total slut and no other girls can say anything, so you have a right to celebrate in any way you see fit.
If you’re going to do this, do it right because everyone is going to be Wonder Woman this year. If you decide to go this route, just know that you will be one of five Wonder Women at any given location, so you’d better be the
This has a very sexy schoolgirl vibe, and it is honestly very cute if you ignore the fact that you’re kind of pretending to be a slutty 6-year-old (or would that be Brownies?). Also literally all you need is a green sash. Honestly, nobody be this one. I’m doing it.
Nah. Hard pass. No thanks. Only included it here to say publicly that if I see a girl at my Halloween party dressed as Groot, I’m calling the cops.
I’m A Mouse, Duh!
If you’re not tryna
be basic af wear a costume that’s been pinned 10,000 times, you’re in luck because we are bringing back our classic I’m A Mouse Duh costume and debuting a new Boo You Whore oversize T-shirt dress just in time for Halloween. They’re minimal effort, cute af, and will make amazing walk of shame attire for wherever you end up on November 1st.