‘Tis the season (about fucking time) for drinking outside on a hourly weekly basis, always looking exotic, and visiting your second home: the hair salon, obvi. Everyone knows summer means sun’s out, buns blondes out. Since winter is looong gone possibly due to that little thing called climate change, you no longer have to literally wear black from head to toe. Even though you probs will anyway. Ditch your emo dark hair color for something lighter, playful, and more basic unique. Instead of going totally drastic and dying your whole head a single color (ain’t nobody got time for that upkeep) or trying to keep up with the hipsters and looking like Rainbow Brite, ask your savior hairdresser for the idolized summer look: ombré, otherwise known as the calm before the balayage storm. Regardless of your natural hair color, here is some Insta-worthy ombré hair inspo to take with you for your next hair appointment.

If you have natural dark roots, ask for:

Caramel

If you’re naturally a brunette and don’t want anything too crazy, go for a subtle caramel ombré. The light contrast will add dimension and fluidity to your hair, regardless of the style and cut you have. If you love it (which you will), ask to go lighter in color and start closer at the (literal) crown of your head, you queen.

Blonde

For something a bit more ~extreme~, jump right into a golden hue and gradually get lighter until you reach the shade of blonde you want. For extra enhancement, ask for scattered or face-framing highlights to complement your face shape. The light hair color will bring out your natural glow, so honestly, you may just say “fuck highlighter” for the rest of summer. Maybe.

Deep Auburn

If you want to add some mystery and a significant pop of color, opt for an auburn shade. This style will make you stand out against all the other basic bitches like me who are afraid to stray from blonde shades. The added color provides tons of dimension and probably an alter ego, too.

If you have natural blonde roots, ask for:

Blonder

You know what they say: Once you go blonde, you never go back. Like, so fucking true. If you have somewhat of a blonde hue, such as dirty blonde, gradually grow lighter. Since you’ll be under the sun 24/7, your hair will grow lighter on its own. You’ll probably look as innocent as sweet LC here, but I can only hope the blonde doesn’t get to your head (literally) and make you dumber. Will that joke ever get old? LMK.

(Almost) Platinum

I promise I’m not trying to bring The Hills gang back together (even though I would give anything for a reunion, just saying), but Whitney Port has always had killer hair. Go bold or go home with an ombré style that goes right into borderline platinum blonde. The sharp contrast will basically make you look like a tan Australian model who beaches nonstop. It’s probably not the whole truth but, close enough.

If you have natural red roots, ask for:

Blonde

Especially for the summer, ask for a blonde shade that will give you a warm, vibrant glow. The blonde will turn some strands orange, making you look like Alicia Keys’ song was about you. You, girl, are on *insert fire emoji*.

Coral

Have some fun with your rare gem of a hair color and ask to bring in a lighter shade of red, such as coral. The pink hue will add texture with a multi-dimensional effect. It’s 50 shades of hot to flaunt for the next few months. I’m just killing it with these puns—ugh, I love myself.

If there’s anything a betch honestly gives a shit about (other than how many likes her selfie got), it’s definitely her hair. Even though you probably rely on horoscopes to help you make life changing decisions, chances are your goldilocks won’t ever go near a pair of scissors. Rain or shine, depending on the persona you want to take on for the day, you still fry straighten the fuck out of it. If you’re like me, you know walking in the rain without hair coverage is like, a sin. If you forget your umbrella, you take the jacket off your fucking back to cover it. Yes, sometimes you need to sacrifice getting hypothermia if it means your hair still looks good.

In the summer, you want to be able to show it off when the top of your BMW is down or when you’re laying out by the pool. But, just like we often forget to like, prevent ourselves from getting skin cancer, we also forget that the hair we invest hundreds of dollars in needs some TLC too. Here’s how to protect your newly done balayage and prevent your hair from looking like straw for the next 3 months.

1. Nourish With Hair Oil

Your first takeaway: Put that obnoxious sun hat you only bought for poolside pics to good use and avoid parting your hair. This prevents godawful scalp sunburn and drying your hair out. Make sure to get a hair oil like Reverie Ever Recovery Hair Oil to rub on the ends of your hair. It prevents fugly split ends, protects your hair color, and adds shine.

2. Apply Serum

^ Same.

If you find that this is a recurring issue for you, I promise there’s a cure. For fried hair—not people sitting on you. Sorry, that comes with public transportation.

Use Vernon Francois Lightweight Styling Serum before, during, and after being on the beach all day. It will maintain your hair’s natural texture and protect from heat damage so you won’t look like you got electrocuted. After a shower, instead of towel-drying your hair like a psycho, opt for a towel, like Aquis Lissa Luxe Hair Towel, with fabric that doesn’t create friction.

3. Use Hair Creams With UV Filters

Find a cream with a formula like Sachajuan Hair In The Sun that protects your hair with a UV filter. This will lock in your recent highlights and keep them from turning like, white when the original color was probably caramel. If you plan on styling your hair, you can use this as a hydrating styling cream too. It’s a 2-In-1 aka win-win.

4. Wash With A Hydrating Shampoo

Raise your hand if you’ve ever felt personally victimized by chlorine. That shit makes your scalp itch, has your hair feeling like dry spaghetti, and turns it green. Like, I didn’t ask for this. How fucking rude. If you must swim in a piss pool, use a shampoo like IGK Hot Girls Hydrating Shampoo. It serves as a heat and pollution protectant and deep conditions so it brings some life back into your limp hair.

5. Add Leave-In Conditioner, Then Add Some More

Use leave-in conditioner religiously over these next few months. A styler such as Phyto Phytokératine Extrême Exceptional Cream is a keratin that basically is like, the holy grail for your hair. You can add this throughout the day and before applying heat to ensure shine, moisture, and strength for major #HairGoals.

6. Detangle. Everything.

Swimming tangles your hair so much that you may contemplate on chopping it off entirely. When you’re finished being rightfully dramatic, use Bed Head Beach Freak Moisturizing Detangler Spray throughout your hair so your brush doesn’t break in half when you try to get the knots out. For extra protection, get a detangling wet brush with gentle bristles to smoothly glide through your wet hair.

In addition to roasting under the sun, creepily eyeing flirting with the hot lifeguard, and day drinking for no reason other than the fact that the sun is out and it’s summer (duh), the beach provides an endless amount of glorious benefits. That’s why when people say they don’t like the beach for no good reason whatsoever, I usually just delete their number and refuse to associate myself with them ever again. Either you’re socially awkward or you think you’re Edward Cullen, you vampire freak. Moving on. One of my fave, yet severely underrated, perks is how sexual the ocean makes my hair look after I’m done swimming like a fish gasping for air magical mermaid. It’s like I can come to the beach on my fourth second unwashed hair day and no one would ever know because my hair suddenly looks full of life (for once) and has waves for days.

This becomes really convenient because on most days I’m drinking at the beach and I naturally lose track of how Lime-A-Ritas I’ve had. By the time I’m pretty drunk, I somehow convince myself and the two friends that actually put up with my shit that we should definitely go out to a bar after we’re tan (and drunk) enough to tell everyone we just came back from Turks and Caicos. Since I usually take forever and a day getting ready when I’m sober, it’s like a whole different story when I’m basically doing my hair and makeup with one eye open and one-half of my usual levels of hand-eye coordination.
 
Swimming in the ocean can make your hair look great and all, but if you’re crunched for time (or get too drunk like I usually do), styling your hair after the beach can be an issue when you still want to pull off an Herbal Essence commercial-worthy look while putting in the least amount of effort possible. Whether it’s just adding texture spray, throwing it up in a high ponytail, or simply leaving it wet after the shower, here are some hairstyles you can easily (and drunkenly) take straight from the beach to the bar.

1. Messy Waves

Like I mentioned, chances are the ocean was feeling pretty generous and gave you some salt water goodness, so your hair probably already has this look down pat. However, too much salt water can dry your hair out and leave you looking like Medusa, so scrunch your hair and use a texturizing spray like Reverie’s MARE Mediterranean Sea Mist to restore strength while maintaining the look you love.

2. Wet Hair, Don’t Care

Thank you, Kim, for blessing us once again with your trendy ways and making it socially acceptable to step out in public with wet hair. Otherwise there’s no way in hell anyone would ever let it slide. Imagine? “You just got out of the shower? That’s hot.” More like, “You just got out of the shower? Are you having a midlife crisis showing up here like that?”

After you’re done channeling your inner Bey during your shower, add some Kendra Professional Platinum Revive Oil—the same oil Kim used (assuming it’s good because like, Kim)—as a finishing touch.

^What I probs look like in the shower aka why I take 100 years to get ready

3. Own That Ponytail, Work That Updo

You can never go wrong with a fucking ponytail. Feel free to leave in loose waves for a beachy look or make it a high pony because your hair looks sexy pushed back. Spray on some hairspray, and off to tequila sunrises you go.

4. Loose Braid

I mean, clearly, we can’t all be Blake Lively no matter how many times we wish for it on our birthdays. It’s just not going to happen. The closest we’ll ever get is *attempting* to do a braid that looks as chic as this. If you’re like, creative, I guess (because a regular braid is good enough for me), opt for a loose fishtail braid with pieces of your hair framing your face. In a top 5, a braid is probably number one for the best summer hairstyle. It takes seconds to do and your hair is already pulled back from your face in case too many shots send you running for the bathroom.

5. Messy Bun

When all else fails and your fucking hair just isn’t cooperating with you, which happens to me 9/10 times, throw it up a messy bun and call it a day. After a few drinks, you won’t even care and let’s be real, it’ll probably get ruined anyway.

Now, go chug vodka because this was probably way more stressful than it was supposed to be. As fucking usual.

It seems as though everyone mistakes a new summer for a second shot at a new beginning. Everyone somehow believes each summer is going to be “the one.” This isn’t a fucking MTV show. Like, the one for what? The one to miraculously win the lottery, marry a Franco brother (apparently there’s a third brother, but he doesn’t count), or change your identity? Honestly, the only thing you have a chance of achieving this summer is a five pound weight gain from all the day drinking you’re about to do.

You can’t change your life in one season; you can, however, change your identity. I don’t mean by suddenly claiming you’re a vegan, drinking green shit at the crack of dawn, and actively doing yoga. Tbh, that’s way too much effort. I suggest doing something you can ~treat yourself~ with (because buying yourself a bottle of wine weekly isn’t enough): Cutting your hair.

I can’t tell you how many people I’ve seen on Instagram in the past week alone with new short haircuts and a caption that say something along the lines of “Needed change!!! New me!!!” or my fav, “New hair, who this?”. This really had me contemplate (for like, .5 seconds) if short hair could somehow cleanse me of all my immoral acts. If we’re being honest, I really just want to look as basic trendy and mysterious as Kim K does with her fake lob.

If you’re one of those “New ‘do, new you” people, here are short haircuts you should ask your hairdresser for (after many shots have been taken) based on your hair texture. I can’t promise you’ll turn into a new person (you probably won’t), but if it helps you sleep at night, then so be it.

If You Have Straight Hair, Try The Blunt Lob.

Kim’s (heartbreakingly) fake lob is the perfect start to a short haircut if you have long, straight hair. The no-layered style provides a fierce, sleek, regal look, making anyone with this cut look like the new queen bee. Your friends will love this even more, solely because it will cut the time it takes you to get ready by like, half. The lob is easy to style, manage, and it’s ideal if you decide you don’t want to commit. Sounds like the perfect Tinder profile.

If You Have Wavy Hair, Try A Layered A-Line Bob.

If your hair is naturally wavy, go for this cut to give you a carefree, voluminous style. An A-line bob typically has no layers, but instead gradually shortens towards the back. With added long layers, you can rock the bedhead look 24/7 and no one can say a damn thing about it. For example, say goodbye to brushing your hair.

If You Have Curly Hair, Try A Graduated Bob.

This simple haircut is for those of you who want to embrace your curls in a way that says, “No really, I woke up like this.” A graduated bob is a layered cut that thins out at the nape of the neck. If you’re used to having long, curly hair and the thought of this haircut makes you want to hyperventilate, you can totally adjust the height and length of the bob to your liking. Regardless of what you decide, getting a dramatic side part/bang is a must (because what Rihanna does, we do obvs). This playful look will make you want to obsessively flip your hair at anyone who gives you the slightest bit of attention.

If You Have Coily Hair, Try A Pixie Cut.

This is the Prosecco of short haircuts for the summer. The cut is refreshingly short all around, with the top being slightly longer. It’s a look that has been around for literal decades and will never go out of style. It’s low-maintenance, versatile, and badass af. Which, incidentally, are all things you probably aspire to be…so here’s to hoping this new ‘do really means new you.

Before you do anything irrational to your hair, check out which summer haircuts are best for your face type.

It’s that time of year again, when Mercury is in retrograde I start to feel the need to sabotage my own happiness by making some stupid, drastic decision about my look and, guys, I think bangs might be in my future. I’ve already talked about how face framing bangs are about to be one of the hottest haircuts of summer 2017 and I’m either drinking the Kool-Aid or watching way too many of Selena Gomez’s Instagram stories because I’m suddenly all about the bangs trend. But I never do anything without first consulting the internet, researching the shit out of whatever life ruining decision I’m about to make, and then disregarding all of that advice and doing the life ruining thing anyways. LOL I’m so random.

So since I’m determined to make bangs happen I’ve taken it upon myself to make a semi-accurate comprehensive guide to getting bangs so you won’t spend the next 3-6 months hating your reflection. Or your might. Idk. Feel free to talk shit in the comments, because either way you still have bangs and I still have wine. Mwuah ha ha. So yeah let’s talk about bangs. Read this at your own peril.

Your Face Shape Is Everything

First things first, your face shape is everything. Don’t just get bangs because Selena Gomez takes fire selfies with them or because you binge watched an entire season of GirlBoss and decided the actress whose face or name you cannot place looks hella cool with bangs (for instance). You need to figure out your face shape and what type of bangs will look best on you before you let your German hairstylist Susi loose on your hair. For long, narrow faces you’ll need to get a blunt fringe cut that hits just below your brows to make your face look fuller. For round or square faces try bangs just above the brow. Heart-shaped faces can do whatever the fuck they want, because apparently all types of bangs suit your face shape and now I hate you.

It Requires A Shit Ton Of Maintenance

Like more than just the literal bare minimum that we all strive for. Ugh. Bangs need to be trimmed every six weeks, lest you look like that unfortunate girl from your middle school homeroom who bore a striking resemblance to Todd from Wedding Crashers.

Some salons actually consider trimming bangs a complimentary service and won’t charge you for it, but if you live in New York good fucking luck finding any such stylist to take pity on you and your bangs. Last week some guy on the street forced me to take his “album,” and when I took it so he would stop harassing me, he charged me 10 bucks. So that’s the kind of garbage city we live in.

ANYWAY, you can also try and cut your bangs yourself, though that sounds like some sort of Fear Factor challenge. But if you’re determined to play Russian roulette with your hair, don’t make any big drastic cuts. Rather, take off millimeters at a time. And for the love of god, DO NOT pull a Hannah Horvath and just starting cutting in one straight, solid line. Instead, twist your bangs and point the scissors up so you snip at the ends, leaving an imprecise line.

There’s An Adjustment Period

Similar to the bro who claims he’s “not good at relationships”, if you haven’t had bangs before then, like your man, you’ll probs need to retrain your hair to do whatever the fuck you want it to do. Stylists say it can take up to several weeks for your hair to finally start cooperating with you. So, like, right around the time you need to get it cut again. *internally screams*

What You Should Ask Your Hairstylist For

So if you’re reading this and you’re thinking “fuck it, my horoscope said to be daring this month, so yeah let’s try bangs” then I’ve got your line-up right here. If you only want to be as daring as Giselle’s dress at the Met Gala then simple side swept bangs are what you should ask your stylist for. This is a style for anyone who wants to ease into bangs. They’re easy to blend with layers around your face and low-maintenance enough to work on any hair length. They’re also v easy to style and grow out so it’s like you’re barely taking any risks.

If you’re only medium-daring, like a person who take nudes but doesn’t include their face, then face framing bangs are going to be your go-to. The cut itself is a little shorter and riskier, but still super easy to style and maintain.

Lastly, if you’re spirit animal is Rihanna with a flask at an awards ceremony then you should try the dramatic bang aka the short and tousled look. Wearing very short bangs (translation: two to three inches) is v edgy but takes a lot of styling and patience. For example, when you have bangs that short you can’t just blow dry them any which way you want. You’ll need to pull them straight down with your fingers while blow drying, and once dry, comb them down or use a dab of pomade for a tousled 90s–inspired texture. And if that sounds like a lot of work, that’s because it fucking is, so be forewarned.

So ladies, now that you know your best bangs, take a few five shots and head over to your stylist to experience either the best haircut of your life or the most regret you’ve felt since that one time you slept with a guy below 5’9″. It’s really 50/50 at this point. Kisses!

I have had it up to here *gestures to practically empty wine bottle* with high schoolers and beauty bloggers on Instagram trying to trend-set the weirdest shit they can Google. I mean, tattooing fake freckles on your face? Lisa Frank makeup? Super long hair extensions? Fine, I get that one. Celebs are doing it and celebs are really just 14-year-olds with massive bank accounts. But this latest one, rainbow hair roots? I’m all about switching up your look but I draw a firm line at hair that rivals a preschooler’s artwork.

Rainbow roots are apparently the latest in spring hair trends and I would bet my unnecessarily complicated Starbucks drink order that mermaid- and unicorn-obsessed hipsters are at the forefront of this trend. This is what it looks like (brace yourselves):

And the worst part is the internet actually seems to be into this look. DON’T FALL FOR THE HIPSTER PROPAGANDA, PEOPLE.  I mean, can you imagine if someone you know and love showed up to brunch with hair like this? Shudders.

For once America isn’t the one fucking up starting an asinine hair trend. Instead we have the Aussies to blame for this, specifically the blondies of Melbourne Salon. It seems impossible that the same country that brought us the Hemsworth brothers could also be responsible for starting this hair monstrosity, but since they’ve literally started nothing else it kind of makes sense (stop trying to make Vegemite happen).

In what I can only assume was some sort of Regina George Plastics hazing ritual gone awry, the Blondies of Melbourne managed to convince some poor lower-level client (I assume) to play guinea pig for them while they presented to the world the modern day Ronald McDonald look (FYI that’s the only name I’ll refer to this hair trend by from here on out). In an Instagram hair tutorial that went viral, the Aussie’s took their victim client from pixie cut to hair that says “my employer definitely thinks I’m on acid.”

Hidden Rainbow Roots: The Latest Hair Color Trend to Lose Your Mind Over https://t.co/4T6P2oQzPf pic.twitter.com/kwf9xXTk4d

— Cosmopolitan (@Cosmopolitan) March 28, 2017

If you’re attempting this look because A) you’re having a quarter life crisis and want to fit in with the youths or B) you want to start shit with me on Instagram, then for the love of god do not attempt this look at home. You will fuck it up and I will not hesitate to anonymously blast you for it online from the safety of my home.

You should consult your stylist—and also maybe your therapist—immediately before considering this look. The look itself is a pretty easy process. Stylists bleach just the roots of your hair and then apply a variety of colors in a fuck me up fam “rainbow-like” manner, leaving the top layers untouched. The result being subtle on the outside, batshit on the inside. A description taken directly from my Bumble profile. Something to keep in mind before taking on this look is that growing out the dye will be a bitch. But something tells me that the type of person who takes on this hair trend is also the type of person who takes on other time-consuming projects like clean eating and turning fuckboys into boyfriend material. LOL.

Beauty experts are calling this the “perfect look” for Bonnaroo or Coachella this summer, but I’m calling it perfect fodder for your future children to mercilessly mock you with. Better get on this trend quick because I have a feeling it’s going to fade faster than your vacation Instagram story. 

You know when you’re having a really great morning, you look good and you feel good, and then you read something really fucked up like margaritas are giving you skin rashes and you lose your will to live? Well, you may want to rethink getting out of bed this morning because this just in: perms are making a comeback. Anddd the hits just keep on coming.

Apparently perms are making a comeback and this must be stopped before my mother tags me in a very smug Facebook post. This is not a drill, people. Places like InStyle magazine, Marie Claire, and Women’s Health magazine have confirmed the story, but then again they also confirm stories like “Welcome to the Dollhouse: A Conversation With A Human Barbie” so can they really be trusted? I’ll leave that up to you. BUT if my worst nightmare is coming true and the ‘80s are coming back one beauty trend at a time, then here’s what you need to know about it:

1. Carrie Bradshaw’s Hair Isn’t Making A Comeback, Thank God

You can kind of breathe easy because the type of perm that’s making a comeback is not the over-volumized, tight curls, horrifying bangs type that we know and abhor. THANK GOD. But rather, the natural bend-in-the-hair type of perm, made famous by human praying mantises Victoria’s Secret models. Tbh it kinda makes me feel a little superior that Victoria’s Secret models might be walking around with permed hair (even if they look good AF doing it). Like, you may get the great body and date famous, beautiful people and have the metabolism of an anorexic 14-year-old girl and… I’m not sure where I was going with this but suddenly I have the urge to drink my feelings.

*opens bottle of wine*

2. It’s All About The Air Dried, I-Just-Emerged-From-A-Fucking-Lagoon Look

Which is a step away from the super styled curling iron waves that we know and love. Hmm is that why barrel curls were replaced on Nick’s season of The Bachelor with I’m-too-busy-getting-wasted-by-the-pool-to-finish-my-hair-before-the-rose-ceremony curls? Were those bitches actually ahead of the style curve or were they just, like, drunk and lazy? Food for thought.

Lol nah. Any girl who wears a leopard print headband isn’t ahead of anything other than the guy she’s flipping off on the New Jersey turnpike.

3. It All Depends On The Size Of The Rod

As is true with all things in life, how much I judge you your perm depends on the size of the rod. No, seriously. You can’t make this shit up. Using smaller rods will get you looking like a bridesmaid at your mother’s wedding somebody just put Baby in the corner, while larger rods give you that beachy wave perfection. Either way you should def consult with your hair stylist (Hi, Susi) to see how big of a rod you should use.

4. If Your Hair Color Isn’t Natural Then You’re In For A Fucking Problem

Unless you’re one of those girls who are in my burn book don’t color their hair, then you’re in for a real fucking problem. Overly highlighted hair doesn’t hold perms the same way natural hair does. This is especially true if you’re one of my sorority sisters bleaching your hair, because bleach-highlighted strands have a different consistency than the strands that aren’t highlighted, and this can seriously fuck with your curls. But because there is a God and She is obsessed with Flashdance rn, there are thio-free treatments (aka treatments that use a different chemical to break the bonds in hair) available for people who dye their hair and/or want a less damaging treatment.

Fuck, now I kind of want a perm. No one show my mother this, lest I eat shit in the family group chat. But seriously, I’m off to go reevaluate my life since apparently hell has frozen over.