Thank the fucking hair gods that the days of unicorn hair are over, and we’re moving on to more natural hair colors that don’t look like a mythical creature threw up on your head. Pack away the Manic Panic you bought for Coachella last year, and start showing your colorist these pictures so you can look sophisticated AF and on trend this spring. Because let’s be honest: no one’s going to take a betch with metallic hair seriously in 2018. Presenting THE best hair colors for spring 2018.
1. Pearly Blondes
Pearly, shiny blondes are the new fried, unhealthy looking platinums. It’s 2018 and if you go blonde, you also need to go shiny, not dull and damaged looking. Gone are the days of sacrificing our luscious locks just to see how blonde we can go. And who better to look to for the pearlescent trend than Kim Kardashian, whose colorist Chris Appleton spent almost 24 hours taking the betch to an icy pearlescent shade of blonde?
2. Rich Browns
This spring, the rich brown hair trend is going to mean more to you than the rich brunet Wall Street fuckboy who ghosted you last month. Deep, chocolatey rich brunette hues full of dimension are replacing the tired, dual-toned ombres of recent years. Take notes from celeb colorist George Papanikolas’ chocolatey color transformation on Lydia Hearst.
3. Natural Root-Shadowing Blondes
Thanks to the shadow roots trend, anyone can see if blondes have more fun—and at a cheaper price. Shadow roots are when you embrace your natural root color from the beginning of the dye job. Fully embracing your natural color as part of the growing out process not only saves you serious money between appointments, it also saves your strands from being over-processed. Texas-based colorist Eric Vaughn shows us the epitome of blonde root-shadowing goals.
4. Redheads
As we patiently wait for the redhead emojis to make their appearance on the next iPhone update, you can get ahead of the trend and embrace the ginger trend this spring. Opt for warmer, multi-dimensional red hues to spice up any lewk. See below for a redhead look created using Davines color.
5. Cinnamon Hair
Cinnamon hair is a blend of the deep rich brown trend, the redhead trend, and a blend of blonde tones. The look is typically achieved using the hand-painted balayage technique and creates tons of a dimension. Talk to your colorist about the exact cinnamon shade that works for your skin tone.
6. Subtle Highlights
Remember those tiger stripe highlights you used to rock in middle school, inspired by none other than Kelly Clarkson circa 2002? Yeah, subtle face-framing highlights are the opposite of that. Using the same hand-painted technique as you do with balayage, subtle highlights look just like those face-framing highlights you used to get from the sun after a day at the beach when you were a kid.
We’re exactly one month away from the new year, which is great because this year I’ve been trash has been the worst and I can’t wait until it’s fucking over. And with a new year comes the inevitable hope that there will also be a “new you”. Maybe a you who doesn’t buy her work attire from Forever21 or who isn’t in an emotionally committed relationship with her Seamless guy. Well, a girl can dream. Anyway, here are 5 haircut trends that are about to be everyfuckingwhere in 2018 so you can embrace the best “new you” aka the same you, but with better hair.
1. Curtain Bangs
Curtain bangs are officially happening and we can thank the psychos on Pinterest who gave this trend a 600 percent increase in pins this year. It’s a dreamy, yet romantic look that works best on people who have straight hair. So if your New Year’s Eve resolution is to be more “daring” but you don’t actually want to take any risks, then this haircut might be right for you. It’s like getting bangs, but not, because they’re basically almost all grown out anyway.
2. Extra Long Hair
Kim Kardashian has been trying to make fetch extra long hair extensions happen for a straight-up year now, and apparently she’s going to get her wish, because 2018 is the year of long-ass hair. Extra long hair or “Cher hair” is predicted to be one of the hottest hair trends of 2018, which is great because I literally just got a lob last week. Seriously. This is v good for my my mental health rn. Anyway, unless you can afford to import hair extensions from a starving child in India *cough* Kim K *cough cough* then you better start growing your hair out now.
3. Blunt Bob With Bangs
If you’re one of those who wants to look betchy AF but doesn’t want to commit to hair that’s long enough to accidentally touch a toilet seat, then the blunt bob/bang combo is going to be the haircut for you. I’m not gonna lie, it takes one hell of a confident woman to pull this look off, but if Elena Gilbert—someone who survived after her entire family died, turned into a vampire, hooked up with her ex’s brother (and got away with it), found out she was a doppelgänger to the nastiest skank bitch in town, and still had to graduate high school during all of this—can pull of this look, then so can you.
4. The Grown-Out Pixie
Is it wrong that I’m predicting style trends based off of someone who hasn’t even hit puberty yet? Whatever. If it’s wrong, then Netflix shouldn’t have made a 12-year-old so fucking chic I don’t want to be right. Last year the pixie cut was everywhere, so naturally the grown-out pixie, or as I like to call it, the wtf-have-I-done-I-just-want-long-hair-again cut is going to be the “it” look of 2018. I mean, how else should you start a new year if not with a haircut that says you’re full of shame and regret from last year’s poor decisions? Anyway, if you got the pixie cut because one time Millie Bobby Brown got a pixie cut, then this is the perfect new look for you. Try leaving it extra long on top to give you some more styling options.
5. The Meghan Markle Knock-Off
In case you’re a mole person and missed it, the hottest European ginger is officially off the market thanks to Meghan Markle. That lucky fucking bitch. But if you can’t have her man, you can at least attempt to replicate her hairstyle so that you can feel close to Prince Harry like an actual princess in the new year. This isn’t so much a haircut as just a look you can attempt before hitting up happy hour. It’s the first Friday back at work after the Thanksgiving holiday, what the fuck do you want from me. Long hair and bouncy curls are about to be everywhere because of this bitch, I’m calling it now.
I think we can all agree that 2017 was like that drunk friend who didn’t know when to quit before killing the internet puking in the cab or starting a Twitter feud with someone who def has weapons of mass destruction drunk dialing their ex. So, yeah, it’s been like, v exhausting to keep up with this year. That said, the one thing we actually didn’t fuck up too much was hair trends, because I guess something in this world is still sacred. In fact, I had a hard time deciding which trends would make it into my burn book this year. Now, does that mean I’m not still going to drag anyone who I felt even slightly personally victimized me with their haircut? Hell no. I need to end the year how I started it: by publicly shaming people I don’t actually know. So, here are the worst hair trends of 2017, and here’s hoping they die a quick and painful death in the new year.
1. Rainbow Roots
Ah, yes, because I’ve always wanted my hair to resemble a preschooler’s art project. I guess we have Australia to thank for this atrocity since patient zero the person who came down from an acid trip mid-hair appointment and started this trend hailed from the Blondies of Melbourne Salon. I mean, is this the universe’s way of balancing out the scales since Australia also gave us the Hemsworth brothers? Because that’s literally the only reasonable explanation for this trend starting: karmic payback.
2. The Comb Over
Similar to how racism, homophobia, and sexual harassment made a comeback at the beginning of 2017, so too did the comb over! Crazy how that happens sometimes. I guess nothing says “sex appeal” like systematic discrimination hair that’s strategically placed to hide baldness. Here’s hoping there’s an impeachment this trend dies along with the presidency that encouraged it. I won’t hold my breath, though.
3. Cinnamon Hair
Do I hate this hair color trend only because it’s associated with a person who agitates the fuck out of me on a daily basis with her Instagram stories? That’s certainly part of it. Pinterest and people who orgasm from just the smell of a PSL are absolutely to blame for this hair color becoming a thing this fall, and it’s a sin that can’t be forgiven.
4. Glitter Roots
Apparently fucking with your roots was right up there with being extra AF with your eyebrows, because people could not leave them well enough alone this year. I didn’t realize that 2017 would be the year that I’d have to explain why people wanted to walk around with iridescent dandruff, but you learn something new every day.
5. The Perm
So awhile back we may have said that perms were the next big hair trend for 2017, the immediate result of that article being that my mother acted smug AF in the family group chat and also that Taylor Swift made this look her own decided to ruin it. Apparently Taylor doesn’t want us to have nice things, because she brought out her own version of the perm for her Reputation album and it was… absolutely heinous really hard to look at. I’m calling it rn, 2018 will be the year we see a massive amount of 14-year-old girls rocking permed bangs in school photos—something they’re 100 percent going to feel a large amount of self loathing for about a few years later.
Raise your hand if you’re seriously sick of this suffocating heat that keeps ruining your too-expensive blowout. You and every other basic betch are just about ready for that time of year where we all pretend to know what a touchdown is. I’m as down for day drinking and looking like a golden goddess as every other normal person, but TBH, I do that shit all year round and like, it’s the 21st century. Vegan tanning products exist so you can feel better about yourself get a fucking spray tan whenever you want without killing animals and getting skin cancer. NGL, I’m sick of peeing while naked wearing rompers and I’m just roséd out. Like with coffee orders, nail polish colors, Bumble guys most things in life, I get v bored after like, three months. That being said, I need summer to GTFO so I can get rid of this lame blonde hair and go back to having ~tame~ dark hair. The season of change basically brings on an entirely new persona, so ask your hair stylist for one of these hair trends so you can leave the summer you behind.
1. Modern Shag
I know what you’re thinking: “Unless you’re starring on Stranger Things, there’s no excuse for a shag hair cut.” Well, that’s where you’re wrong because 1) I’m literally always right and 2) it’s not just limited to people with curly hair. The modern shag is an upgrade for all hair types, regardless of texture, because it’s a v different personalized look for everyone. You may swear off bangs every time you see your middle school yearbook photo, but guess what. They’re coming back, whether we like it or not, and since ‘tis the season for all that is basic, you’ll probs find yourself anxious to look like every other Insta model in your feed. Ask for the shag with choppy textured layers for an extra volumized edgy look this moody fall.
2. Dark And/Or LowLights
When I say new hair = new you, I don’t mean go MIA for 3 years, erase all of your social media accounts, let out your teenage angst in a shitty pop song, and say the “old you is dead” pull a Taylor Swift and dye your hair black.
^^^How I picture Taylor rn. No but really, can someone see if she’s OK?
You don’t have to be so dramatic with a whole 360. If you have blonde hair and platinum highlights, cool the Barbie thing down with natural-looking lowlights. Opt for a warm chocolate to make your sun-kissed blonde pop. The color contrast kind of serves like a contour for your hair and provides tons of movement so it doesn’t look flat. For natural brunettes, cool down sandy browns or warm up black-ish tones with a spicy nutmeg shade. The rich color adds radiance to both your hair and face for a perf glow.
3. Not Your Grandma’s Gray, A Cool Gray
The hipster-y silver hair can honestly be really fucking fab, or just downright fugly. The cool toned look is really ideal if you’re super blonde and have no intentions of turning back to black. If you’re getting bored (and going broke) from all of your root and platinum retouches, consider asking for an icy blonde or white silver as a transition away from summer vacay vibes. It preps you for cardigans and boots without actually going dark. Who knew hiding real life gray preemies was considered trendy? Thank God. *nervously laughs* and then cries:
4. Blorange
It sounds like a weird BJ trick Cosmo would advise involving an orange but, luckily it’s not. This hair trend can be done in multiple ways, especially one that best suits your natural hair color. Since fall is full of all things orange and pumpkin, it’s only natural that we consider dying our whole head the color of a fucking pumpkin spiced latte. If you’re on the blonder side, ask for super low-key orange-y pink lowlights. It’ll def add some color to your pasty white skin. If you’re on the reddish side already, swap out some blonde highlights for warm brown lowlights. The cinnamon look will make you crave Fireball way more than you already do when you’re blackout. That’s not true at all but, maybe if you just believe, it’ll work.
5. Heavy Bangs
I told you bangs were coming back, so don’t say I didn’t warn you. If done right, maybe you’ll finally look as skinny trendy as a Hadid. Maybe. This fall’s hair trend will def be focusing on bangs, and lots of them. If you’re feeling brave, ask for thick heavy bangs that fall right below your eyebrow for a clean polished style. If they’re too long in your face, you’ll end up looking like a serial killer. If they’re too short, you’ll look like a hipster. So really make sure you know what you want before you go in with this. This look is particularly flattering on rounder face shapes because they frame and slim down your face. Cheers to looking skinny without any form of exercise!!! Bonus points if you can ditch the layers for a blunt cut. A single layer makes your hair look fuller, healthier, and like, so badass.
You know when you’re having a really great morning, you look good and you feel good, and then you read something really fucked up like margaritas are giving you skin rashes and you lose your will to live? Well, you may want to rethink getting out of bed this morning because this just in: perms are making a comeback. Anddd the hits just keep on coming.
Apparently perms are making a comeback and this must be stopped before my mother tags me in a very smug Facebook post. This is not a drill, people. Places like InStyle magazine, Marie Claire, and Women’s Health magazine have confirmed the story, but then again they also confirm stories like “Welcome to the Dollhouse: A Conversation With A Human Barbie” so can they really be trusted? I’ll leave that up to you. BUT if my worst nightmare is coming true and the ‘80s are coming back one beauty trend at a time, then here’s what you need to know about it:
1. Carrie Bradshaw’s Hair Isn’t Making A Comeback, Thank God
You can kind of breathe easy because the type of perm that’s making a comeback is not the over-volumized, tight curls, horrifying bangs type that we know and abhor. THANK GOD. But rather, the natural bend-in-the-hair type of perm, made famous by human praying mantises Victoria’s Secret models. Tbh it kinda makes me feel a little superior that Victoria’s Secret models might be walking around with permed hair (even if they look good AF doing it). Like, you may get the great body and date famous, beautiful people and have the metabolism of an anorexic 14-year-old girl and… I’m not sure where I was going with this but suddenly I have the urge to drink my feelings.
*opens bottle of wine*
2. It’s All About The Air Dried, I-Just-Emerged-From-A-Fucking-Lagoon Look
Which is a step away from the super styled curling iron waves that we know and love. Hmm is that why barrel curls were replaced on Nick’s season of The Bachelor with I’m-too-busy-getting-wasted-by-the-pool-to-finish-my-hair-before-the-rose-ceremony curls? Were those bitches actually ahead of the style curve or were they just, like, drunk and lazy? Food for thought.
Lol nah. Any girl who wears a leopard print headband isn’t ahead of anything other than the guy she’s flipping off on the New Jersey turnpike.
3. It All Depends On The Size Of The Rod
As is true with all things in life, how much I judge you your perm depends on the size of the rod. No, seriously. You can’t make this shit up. Using smaller rods will get you looking like a bridesmaid at your mother’s wedding somebody just put Baby in the corner, while larger rods give you that beachy wave perfection. Either way you should def consult with your hair stylist (Hi, Susi) to see how big of a rod you should use.
4. If Your Hair Color Isn’t Natural Then You’re In For A Fucking Problem
Unless you’re one of those girls who are in my burn book don’t color their hair, then you’re in for a real fucking problem. Overly highlighted hair doesn’t hold perms the same way natural hair does. This is especially true if you’re one of my sorority sisters bleaching your hair, because bleach-highlighted strands have a different consistency than the strands that aren’t highlighted, and this can seriously fuck with your curls. But because there is a God and She is obsessed with Flashdance rn, there are thio-free treatments (aka treatments that use a different chemical to break the bonds in hair) available for people who dye their hair and/or want a less damaging treatment.
Fuck, now I kind of want a perm. No one show my mother this, lest I eat shit in the family group chat. But seriously, I’m off to go reevaluate my life since apparently hell has frozen over.
