In addition to roasting under the sun,
creepily eyeing flirting with the hot lifeguard, and day drinking for no reason other than the fact that the sun is out and it’s summer (duh), the beach provides an endless amount of glorious benefits. That’s why when people say they don’t like the beach for no good reason whatsoever, I usually just delete their number and refuse to associate myself with them ever again. Either you’re socially awkward or you think you’re Edward Cullen, you vampire freak. Moving on. One of my fave, yet severely underrated, perks is how sexual the ocean makes my hair look after I’m done swimming like a fish gasping for air magical mermaid. It’s like I can come to the beach on my fourth second unwashed hair day and no one would ever know because my hair suddenly looks full of life (for once) and has waves for days.
This becomes really convenient because on most days I’m drinking at the beach and I naturally lose track of how Lime-A-Ritas I’ve had. By the time I’m pretty drunk, I somehow convince myself and the two friends that actually put up with my shit that we should definitely go out to a bar after we’re tan (and drunk) enough to tell everyone we just came back from Turks and Caicos. Since I usually take forever and a day getting ready when I’m sober, it’s like a whole different story when I’m basically doing my hair and makeup with one eye open and one-half of my usual levels of hand-eye coordination.
Swimming in the ocean can make your hair look great and all, but if you’re crunched for time (or get too drunk like I usually do), styling your hair after the beach can be an issue when you still want to pull off an Herbal Essence commercial-worthy look while putting in the least amount of effort possible. Whether it’s just adding texture spray, throwing it up in a high ponytail, or simply leaving it wet after the shower, here are some hairstyles you can easily (and drunkenly) take straight from the beach to the bar.
1. Messy Waves
Like I mentioned, chances are the ocean was feeling pretty generous and gave you some salt water goodness, so your hair probably already has this look down pat. However, too much salt water can dry your hair out and leave you looking like Medusa, so scrunch your hair and use a texturizing spray like Reverie’s MARE Mediterranean Sea Mist to restore strength while maintaining the look you love.
2. Wet Hair, Don’t Care
Thank you, Kim, for blessing us once again with your trendy ways and making it socially acceptable to step out in public with wet hair. Otherwise there’s no way in hell anyone would ever let it slide. Imagine? “You just got out of the shower? That’s hot.” More like, “You just got out of the shower? Are you having a midlife crisis showing up here like that?”
After you’re done channeling your inner Bey during your shower, add some Kendra Professional Platinum Revive Oil—the same oil Kim used (assuming it’s good because like, Kim)—as a finishing touch.
^What I probs look like in the shower aka why I take 100 years to get ready
3. Own That Ponytail, Work That Updo
You can never go wrong with a fucking ponytail. Feel free to leave in loose waves for a beachy look or make it a high pony because your hair looks sexy pushed back. Spray on some hairspray, and off to tequila sunrises you go.
4. Loose Braid
I mean, clearly, we can’t all be Blake Lively no matter how many times we wish for it on our birthdays. It’s just not going to happen. The closest we’ll ever get is *attempting* to do a braid that looks as chic as this. If you’re like, creative, I guess (because a regular braid is good enough for me), opt for a loose fishtail braid with pieces of your hair framing your face. In a top 5, a braid is probably number one for the best summer hairstyle. It takes seconds to do and your hair is already pulled back from your face in case too many shots send you running for the bathroom.
5. Messy Bun
When all else fails and your fucking hair just isn’t cooperating with you, which happens to me 9/10 times, throw it up a messy bun and call it a day. After a few drinks, you won’t even care and let’s be real, it’ll probably get ruined anyway.
Now, go chug vodka because this was probably way more stressful than it was supposed to be. As fucking usual.
Unless you’ve been
living a full life on a hiatus from social media, you’ve probably noticed the drastic change in Kim Kardashian’s appearance. First, she stopped wearing makeup, which FINE, I guess that’s in since the whole No Makeup Alicia Keys thing. Fine. I have a hard time believing that the girl whose ass is listed as a beauty option at plastic surgeon’s offices is suddenly living a “natural” life, but again, fine. Then she came out with the lip ring and I was like, okay, Kanye has to be behind this. If you watched the Paris robbery episode then you know Kanye literally flew to fashion week when he saw a pic of Kim wearing something he didn’t like, so him forcing her to get a lip ring seems pretty plausible. Now, our girl Kim has transformed once again with the addition of long-ass hair extensions and that’s when it was finally like, “Okay let’s slow this down.”
Like, am I missing something here? Are super long hair extensions betchy? I’m on the fence. On the one hand you might look chic AF but on the other hand you might also look like your hair and poor life decisions are giving you premature back problems. It’s 50/50.
Seriously worried for this girl. One of my thighs probably weighs less than what she’s wearing on her head rn and this has me genuinely wondering if I should have a medical professional on speed dial in case she falls and can’t get up. Also, my condolences to the 13-year-old Indian girl who had to go fully bald to provide Kim with this mane, which she’ll probably throw out in favor a platinum lob in like a week or so.
Since I was already planning to spend my night
trolling the Kardashians on Snapchat examining this hair trend, let’s lay out the facts and get to the bottom of its betchiness, shall we?
Exhibit A: Celebs Are Obsessed With Them
Super long hair extensions are making more appearances at high-profile events than Nick Viall does on ABC shows, and the Kardashians aren’t the only ones hyping this look. Celebs like Rihanna, Nicki Minaj, Beyoncé, and a random former Disney star named Vanessa Hudgens are all stepping out with locks longer that my actual body height. Tbh this doesn’t mean much to me. Celebrities also name their children things like Dream and eat placentas to stay forever young (I assume). They are glam, but they can’t be trusted.
Exhibit B: They’re Pricey AF
Something about this look just exudes wealth. I can’t decide if this is because of the look itself or because the people usually wearing extensions wipe their ass with more money than I pay in New York rent. Hair extensions on their own are expensive but hair extensions that are over 30 inches long can range from the hundreds to the thousands of dollars depending on how much you get, how you get them attached, and the type/grade of hair you use. And that’s not including maintenance every six to eight weeks. So should I just hand over bank account number now or?
Exhibit C: The Trend Originated From Models
Like casual cocaine habits and eating one cube of cheese per day, super long hair extensions also originated from models. Specifically, Naomi Campbell circa the 1990s. So, like, not only is it vintage and dramatic, but it was also invented by a genetic superhuman. K.
I think—and it pains me to say because of the effect this declaration will have on my wallet—these might actually be betchy. I’m not saying you should put these in to go to Trader Joe’s or anything but, like, out at bar? It will definitely make you look like a queen amongst peasants, which is really what we’re all striving for in this life. Fuck. I guess I have to go to India and buy some hair off a kid now. So exhausting.
And because I know there’s at least one betch out there who’s thinking about trying this look out at Coachella, I’ve got some pro tips lined up for how you can get the look for cheap(er).
First, you could always do it the old fashioned way and
buy your hair from a prostutite grow your hair out past your ass. But since this could take literal years and the trend might be over before Nick and Vanessa break up, it’s best to buy this look.
The thing to keep in mind when buying extra long hair extensions is the thickness and finish of the hair. Like your freshman year body, they should look slim and sleek. If the extensions look too heavy or too thick it can be overpowering (Hi Corinne). You’ll also want to make sure they’re extra shiny and glossy. Again, Corinne please take notes. Shiny. You want your hair to be shiny.
So there you have it: lobs are out and extra long hair extensions are in. This makes me sort of want to die inside, and yet, I’m also googling salon prices so that’s where we’re at rn. If you need anything, I’ll be on my phone weighing the pros and cons of paying rent vs buying three pounds worth of fake hair. Looks like the hair is going to win.