Fall is officially here and, even though it might not feel like it yet, according to all of the Instagram influencers clogging up my feed with their best
unoriginal fall pics, last Monday was the first official day of fall. Which means that, if you still haven’t switched over your wardrobe yet, it’s officially time to get on that. It’s also time to go shopping for updated fall pieces, because who doesn’t want another excuse to shop? There are some amazing fall trends worth getting on board with right now like, ’70s silhouettes, dad jeans, and animal print. But of course, in keeping the world balanced, for every fall trend that I’m loving, there’s another that I cannot get behind. So here are the five fall trends you won’t see me in, and that I hopefully won’t see you in either, plus some alternative fall trends to try instead.
ModCloth Pardon My French Quarter Cape, $89
I feel like every couple of years this trend comes around and, in the least shocking thing ever, I hate it even more. It’s not only impractical, it’s also ridiculous looking. In my humble-yet-judgy opinion, fashion capes are on the same spectrum as fashion ponchos. And let me clarify something for you all: ponchos are for the rain, and capes are for superheroes. If you’re gonna be a hero, be the kind that doesn’t wear capes. Instead of the costume-y cape trend, opt for a more effortlessly cool and trendy extra-long duster.
Free People Inside Out Cardigan, $168
2. Shakespearian Ruffle Collars
Zara Ruffled Printed Blouse, $69.90
I’m sorry, but no one can pull of this trend. Even Shakespeare himself looked like a straight clown in his ruffled collar. Instead of the obnoxious ruffle collar, try a romantic-inspired balloon sleeve. It’s a way more flattering look and also one that won’t scare away small children.
525 America Puff Sleeve Pullover, $88
3. Micro Purses
WANT Claim To Fame Mini Crossbody Bag, $24
Again, I can’t get behind an impractical trend. The tiny bag trend was already throwing me off, so now that we’ve gone micro, I’m out. I pray that since we’ve now gone so micro, fashion will switch over to the other extreme, back to oversized Olsen-level hobo bags from here on out. But anyway, these micro bags are bullsh*t. I can’t afford to lose any more credit cards, and this bag doesn’t even look like it could fit my keys and one other thing. So instead of an impractical micro purse, try just a small ’90s style shoulder bag. At the very minimum, you can at least fit your phone and like, a pack of gum.
ASOS DESIGN croc effect 90s shoulder bag, $29
4. Statement Hats
ASOS DESIGN Faux Fur Roll Back Bucket Hat, $23
The name of this trend alone gives me cringe sweats. Like, a statement hat… that doesn’t even make sense. A hat, in itself, is a statement. So now you’re trying to do a hat, that’s also going out of its way to make a statement? I can’t. The only people who can get away with wearing a fuzzy bucket hat are LL Cool J and Cam’ron. Get on their level and then we can talk. In the meantime, maybe try some cool hair accessories instead?
ASOS DESIGN hair clip with pearl glam slogan, $9.50
5. Colored Tights
ASOS DESIGN 50 Denier Tights, $9.50
Colored tights scare me. They are reserved for kindergarten teachers, and kindergarten teachers only. They feel very Ms. Frizzle and the Magic School Bus. Although, I just looked it up and she apparently didn’t actually wear colored tights. But seems like she would have, right? I don’t know, either way, they’re gonna be a no, from me dawg. Instead, try a subtle animal print tight.
Commando Leopard-Pattern Sheer Tights, $36
So that’s my list of hard nos. Other than these, everything else I’m on board with or, at the very least, can tolerate. I’m sure you will all be commenting with misguided aggression to disagree with my selections as you like to do, so have at it.
Images: Ali Pazani / Unsplash; ModCloth; Free People; Zara; South Moon Under; Nasty Gal; ASOS (4); Neiman Marcus
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