I feel like most people who saw 27 Dresses were thinking, “This poor woman!” because she was forced to wear 27 monstrosities to 27 different weddings. I was thinking it quite literally because being a bridesmaid is f*cking expensive and I would surely go bankrupt if I was enlisted to serve in more than three weddings during my lifetime. Unfortunately for my friends with pending nuptials, I’ve already been a bridesmaid twice, so only one more of y’all gets to experience the pleasure of listening to me sneeze behind you at the altar because there are too many damn flowers everywhere and I have allergies—I mean, being your bridesmaid. Anyway, as much as I’d be filled with sunshine at the prospect of being a bridesmaid only one more time in my life, I’m only 25 and I feel pretty damn confident that I will be asked to be a bridesmaid again at some point. Joy.
The older I get the more I want to know exactly how Katherine Heigl’s character could afford to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings.
— Betches (@betchesluvthis) April 23, 2019
Like most things in life, you have to make a lot of mistakes before learning the lesson, and my first time as a bridesmaid was no exception. I literally spent a few dollars shy of my rent (!!) on this shindig, which is saying a lot because I live in Manhattan and, for anyone who has a friend living in New York, you know how much we love to complain about our rent. Anyway, what I learned too late was that I don’t have to live without running water for a month because I threw my money for bills at being a bridesmaid. Luckily, Credit Karma’s Dana Marineau, VP of Brand, Creative, and Communications is here to impart some of her wisdom on us regarding how to save money as a bridesmaid, so we don’t have to choose between being a good friend and having wifi.
1. Create A Budget
This seems obvious, but so does not responding to a “u up?” text and we all seem to ignore that. Before you spend one f*cking cent on this wedding, map out your expenses and set a budget so that you don’t walk down the aisle looking for a sugar daddy to pay for your next monthly unlimited subway card. Marineau says, “It can be easy to lose track of what you’re spending, so create a budget and stick to it. Between gifts, decor, bachelorette activities, your bridesmaid dress, and more, you don’t want to be caught surprised once the wedding is over on how much you’ve spent.” Exactly. This isn’t a drunken night at Catch, people, this is real life and we can’t go spending our entire paycheck on a pair of heels that either no one will see or we will take off as soon as “September” revs up. Some things you’ll def want to splurge on (Goose for the bachelorette weekend), which is fine as long as you cut back on other things. Get the nice Airbnb for the bachelorette weekend, but maybe skip the Swarovski hair clip, you know? You will feel so accomplished and proud of yourself at the end of the night when you still have some leftover money to shorten your bridesmaid dress and wear it again! Lol jk, literally no one does that, but every bride insists on it.
2. Be Honest With The Bride
When it comes to your spending habits on someone else’s big day, honesty really is the best policy. As self-involved focused as the bride is on her ~special day,~ she most def doesn’t want to make any of her closest peeps feel like they have to spend their life’s savings on her or her wedding, so telling her your financial concerns is most def the move. And do it early. Saying you can’t cover the cost of the Airbnb the day before you leave is rude and not very sisterly, so make sure you voice your woes early on. Maybe like, before any of the activities even start. “The sooner you can have an honest conversation with the bride about your financial situation, the better. Costs, big and small, can add up quickly, so share what budget you’re working with to set expectations as early as possible. This way, there isn’t pressure as you get closer to the big day to overspend,” Marineau says. Your financials are the one thing people really can’t argue with because you are the only one who knows what’s happening in your bank accounts, so being honest about where you stand cash-wise is important. Odds are, if the bride loves you enough to have you share her big day with her, she will love you enough to understand that you have a smaller budget than she does for her wedding, which makes sense since you are not the bride! If she doesn’t get it or tries to guilt you into paying for things you can’t afford, quit because this job just ain’t worth it, honey!
3. Suggest Cheaper Or Free Alternative Activities
This is a big one. Yes, the dress may be expensive. Yes, the gifts may expensive. But you know what makes all of that sh*t look cheap af? The bachelorette weekend. I mean, you def can’t put a price on a good time, but you don’t have to spend every dollar you have on a weekend during which you’ll likely only know half the people there and will be drunk 97% of the time. Unless you’re a Kardashian, you don’t have to host the most extravagant weekend of your young lives. As a matter of fact, you shouldn’t. The bach weekend is about bonding, drinking, and eating, activities that can be made cheaper if you so choose. That doesn’t mean it won’t be fun af, it just means you can have a great time and save dat money à la Lil Dicky. Marineau says, “From bridal showers to bachelorette parties, costs can add up. But, not wanting to overspend money doesn’t need to ruin the mood! If you’re afraid to kill the mood when your friends invite you to do something you can’t afford, instead of saying ‘I can’t,’ suggest a fun, affordable alternative.” Chances are, you aren’t the bride’s only friend who is, as Jonathan Van Ness says, “struggs to func,” so be the brave one and say something first. Everyone loves saving money, so they will feel #grateful that you were the one who spoke up. One easy suggestion is cooking instead of going out to eat. Even if none of you are chefs, cooking an easy meal like pasta could be a fun way to bond with the other bridesmaids and it’s like basically free. Cute!
4. Do Your Own Hair And Makeup
This goes without saying. Unless you are truly horrendous at hair and makeup (which none of us should be because YouTube exists), just do it yourself. Marineau says, “These days, hair and makeup for a wedding can be in the triple digits. If the look the bride is going for is relatively simple, consider offering to do your own hair and makeup. You can do a few trial runs before the wedding so you feel comfortable being your own glam squad on the big day.” As far as hair goes, flip your head upside down and move a dryer through it for five minutes and, boom, you have a blowout with serious volume. That’s a trick I learned at my unpaid beauty internship and it’s probably the most valuable lesson I’ve ever learned at any internship. Who needs to get paid as a struggling college student when you can get lessons like these that last a lifetime?? Anyway, you will not be the star of the photos, so there’s no need to spend all of your money on your face. Also, maybe just remember that natural beauty is in and that you are beautiful, so there’s no need to go ham on foundation and smokey eyes. And honestly, getting a f*cking blowout is like $50 and I can’t even fathom how much makeup would be, so spare your wallet and your dignity the shame and just DIY.
Images: Giphy (2); Unsplash
If there’s anything that’s disgusting, embarrassing, and a telltale sign that you’ve run out of fucks to give, it’s greasy hair. I get it, though. Showering, especially on hair wash days, is v time consuming. Sure, the amount of energy it takes to actually walk and get in the shower is a lot, but once you’re in there, you’re basically never leaving. Nothing amps up your mood for the rest of the week like freshly washed hair on a Sunday night, when it’s voluptuous, bouncy, and full of life for once. But there’s also nothing more frustrating than waking up the next morning to a fucking grease ball. Like, why bother having hair to begin with? YOU TRIED, DAMN IT. Unfortunately for you, it’s the little things you’re doing on a daily basis that are contributing to the oiliness. Stop doing this shit and maybe for once, you’ll be able to go *three* days without washing (and having it look obvious). You’re welcome.
1. You’re Touching Your Hair Too Much
Similar to what we do to our face, we touch our hair too much. IDK why we do things that we know are really fucking bad for us (like say, IDK weekly binge-drinking?), but we need to stop. Like, yesterday. More often than not, our hands are gross, dirty, and full of so much grime, it’s making me vom. If you’re constantly touching your hair, you’re obvs putting all of that nasty shit onto your hair. This including constantly fixing your part, twirling your hair, or tucking it behind your ears. If you can’t refrain, make sure to wash your hands at the very least beforehand.
2. Overusing Dry Shampoo
Find a happy medium with how often you use your dry shampoo. I know, it’s the best thing ever and since we’re all lazy af, we couldn’t imagine our lives without it, but unfortunately, too much of it works the exact opposite. Overusing dry shampoo leads to gross buildup since it absorbs both excess and natural oils and ruins our hair’s balance to keep it healthy. If you must, use only once a week max (WASH YOUR HAIR, PEOPLE) and use a spray that has little to no residue, like Klorane Dry Shampoo with Oat Milk.
3. You’re Washing Too Often
On top of making sure you’re washing your hair correctly, you can’t *over wash* your hair either. Washing too much ends up ridding your hair of all its natural oil (even the good kind), which in result makes your hair produce twice as much. FML. Reduce to washing it only every other day, or if you’re some sort of magical creature, 3-4 times a week.
4. Using Products That Promise “Shiny Hair”
First of all, why? Second of all, no. If you already suffer from greasy hair all the time, then steer clear from shit that promises shiny hair. Fucking duh. Shiny hair shit is only acceptable if your hair is super dry and probs never ever greasy, in which case, you probably have no need to read this article. These products usually contain an abnormal amount of silicones, which are really fucking bad for your hair and make it 10 times more oily. Instead, use a clarifying shampoo once a week like Bumble and Bumble Bb. Sunday Shampoo, or literally anything else.
5. Brushing Your Hair Too Much And Forgetting To Clean Your Brush
As much as we try to ensure our hair doesn’t end up looking like a rat’s nest by the end of the day, overly brushing your hair can cause your hair to produce more oil than necessary since you’re constantly stripping it of its natural oils. If you can barely remember to wash your makeup brushes, you def can’t remember to clean your hairbrush. If you can’t put time aside to hand-wash your hairbrush as often (and I don’t blame you), be sure to remove all of the nasty, dirty hair that’s piled up. If you don’t, you’re just putting that back on your head every time you brush. Fucking gross, dude.
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6. Over-Conditioning
We all love conditioner. We love it more than shampoo, which is why we probs always run out of it first. However, like too much of anything, too much conditioner is like, really bad for your hair. An excessive amount adds an extra layer of oil and product buildup so your hair is ultimately lame, limp, and lifeless like your Bumble fuckboy. While it’s good to leave conditioner in for a tiny bit more, make sure to rinse it out just after a minute. Instead of conditioning your whole head, because it’s honestly so unnecessary, only condition the ends.
Images: freestocks.org / Unsplash; Giphy ( 6 )
People with straight hair think they have it rough this time of year and I’m not sorry, but curly hair is really the worst of all time in the summer. On a good day (which I can’t even remember when that was), big bouncy curls are what make me feel like a talentless celeb, whether it’s because I dared to let my natural hair show or I worked my magic with a curling wand. However, when bittersweet August rolls around, my so-called curls literally spiral out of control—sort of like, IDK, my fucking life? They frizz before I can even leave my bathroom and if I don’t have time to straighten my hair when I’m already “late” for meeting my friends out, I look like Mia Thermopolis before the glow-up. Yeah, it’s that bad. Since I rarely ever have time to straighten my mop and I ran out of excuses to bail on going out, here’s the solution to non-frizzy curls so you don’t have Monica hair from here on out.
You’ll thank me when this isn’t you:
1. Use Curl-Enhancing Shampoo And Conditioner
The dictator of how good your hair day will be starts in the shower. You want to find a curl-enhancing shampoo and conditioner duo like Briogeo Curl Charisma Rice Amino Avocado Hydrating Shampoo and Shea Curl Defining Conditioner. The formula is everything you could want for your curls and more because it not only defines your curls 10x more (duh), but it locks out frizz-causing enemies and provides tooooons of body without making your hair heavy af.
2. Detangle And Brush Your Hair While In The Shower
Not after you get out because this is what like, separates your curls and causes them to frizz out like a Chia Pet. Find a detangling brush made for thicker, coarser hair types like Tangle Teezer Thick And Curly Detangling Brush. Its bristles keep your curls intact and prevents cuticle damage so half of your hair doesn’t fall out or nearly break the brush like this:
3. Deep Condition At Least Once A Week
By the time Wednesday rolls around, you look as good as your hair: lifeless. For an extra pick-me-up and hydration bonus mid-week, try to use a leave-in conditioner such as Living Proof Curl Leave-In Conditioner that offers the best frizz control ever and keeps a hold on your voluminous curls all throughout happy hour and bar hopping.
Them: Your hair looks so good today.
Me: Ugh omg stop, my hair’s totally all over the place.
Also Me:
4. Add Oil After Drying
When you’re done drying your hair by *lightly* dabbing with a towel (not rubbing, for god’s sake) or using a blow dryer with a diffuser, seal in your hair’s natural oils by applying a light oil like Bumble And Bumble Bb. Curl (Style) Anti-Humidity Gel-Oil. This blocks out the humidity and provides a fab natural-looking shine. Plus, if you’re day drinking under the sun, UV inhibitors will prevent your curls from drying out so you won’t look electrocuted.
5. Finish With A Defining Cream
When you’re done perfecting your look, add a cream like the Drybar Velvet Hammer Hydrating Control Cream to hold your style so annoying-ass fly-aways don’t kill your vibe and get in the way of your drink and your two-step. This cream will prevent frizz all night long as you make your way through sweaty nightclubs so your hair still looks as smooth and radiant as ever. It will add an amazing gloss and intense definition for extra perky ringlets. Can I, um, put this on my chest, too? Asking for a friend.
Hair can truly make or break you. You’re either a candidate for L’Oréal’s next hair commercial, or you just look ratchet. This is why my professors from college should be glad I took as many bad hair mental health days as I did to skip class once a week in a while. Anytime my hair isn’t on point, I’m as upset as Kim was when she lost her diamond earring in Bora Bora.
Even though our sacred blowouts and keratin treatments are v important to us, they’re expensive AF. Since I’m neither rich nor famous, I have to pay for like, rent and shitty wifi so unfortunately, I can’t make an appointment every time I get split ends. That’s why I pay more than I’m willing to admit on my shampoo and conditioner. But you shouldn’t spend hundreds at the salon only to destroy your hair with the shampoo and conditioner you use at home (duh). Some brands we love are actually way harsh and ruin your hair rather than help it, so here are sets you should toss in the trash and sets to use instead.
Beware Of The Plastics:
1. Pantene Pro-V
Pantene was under fire (figuratively and in a way, literally) last year when one hairdresser in Maryland claimed his client’s hair started smoking when he began his usual ombré process. Uh, WTF. He says it was because the client used Pantene’s Moisture Renewal Shampoo and Conditioner for over a year. After an amount of research I haven’t done since college, several Pantene Pro-V shampoo and conditioners contain unhealthy ingredients such as sulfates and long-ass words that end in “-cone.” Silicones are what make you feel easy, breezy, beautiful with shiny hair, BUT over time they act as plastic coats that cause build up, making your hair look greasy and lifeless. Sulfates cleanse your strands, but too much rips off your hair’s natural oils and dry the fuck out of it. Cue why we need sooo many keratin treatments.
2. Organix
Not only are all of them not 100% sulfate-free, but some of them also contain salt and silicones. We all know that salt can give us great natural waves, but realistically, how does our hair feel after being in the ocean? Like a fucking haystack. With the combination of the big three no-no’s, long-term use of OGX products can leave your hair feeling unmanageable, brittle, and frail. If you’ve used this after a keratin treatment, you most likely wasted like, $300. Sorry to break it to ya.
3. TRESemmé
My once go-to shampoo and conditioner has been placed on my shit list. It has been for sometime, honestly. During my visit to the salon for my first ever highlights, my hair dresser scared the shit out of me by telling me my hair took the dye too quickly. When I told her I used TRESemmé, she basically said if I want to have hair, period, stop using it. Some of their harsh ingredients (sulfates and salt) take a toll on your poor strands, making it hard to receive coloring and volume after a period of time.
Sooo, before you say, “But I’ve been using this shit for months and my hair is perfect,” the thing is, you won’t see these long-term effects right away. Hence, fucking long-term. Since most of these ingredients are basically in all shampoos, they’re not terrible to use once in awhile or, simply in moderation. But everyone’s hair is different and reacts differently. So if you’re wondering why your keratin treatment isn’t lasting as long as it should or you’re finding it’s getting harder to style your hair, I’m just saying you should probs check to see if these life-ruiners are in your shampoo. If they are, ditch ‘em for these guys.
The Greatest Shampoos You Will Ever Meet:
1. Living Proof Perfect Hair Day Shampoo And Conditioner
For healthier hair that lasts, this duo works wonders. It’s both sulfate- and silicone-free so there are no risky chemicals to harm your hair. Formulated for all hair types, it features a weightless formula that promotes hair growth and prolongs the amount of the times you have to wash your hair for lazy bitches (so like, all of us). Its ingredients include a healthy hair molecule that reinforces the strength of both of your hair and cuticles. This is even waterproof which no longer makes frizzy hair an issue. Ugh, thank god.
2. Aveeno Pure Renewal Shampoo And Conditioner
Regardless of your hair type, this is def a clutch choice for a new shampoo and conditioner option. The formula remains sulfate-free and still balances your hair for a natural, healthier, flawless look. It’s infused with seaweed extract to provide minerals and protein and happens to be a fab set if your hair is color-treated.
3. Verb Hydrating Shampoo and Conditioner
These are like, cruelty-proof all around They’re vegan, as well as gluten-, sulfate-, and silicone-free. So they’re good to animals and good to your hair, win-fucking-win. The ingredients retain your hair’s natural moisture, prevent color fading and dryness, and infuse keratin all throughout. So, basically, this stuff is bomb.
In addition to roasting under the sun, creepily eyeing flirting with the hot lifeguard, and day drinking for no reason other than the fact that the sun is out and it’s summer (duh), the beach provides an endless amount of glorious benefits. That’s why when people say they don’t like the beach for no good reason whatsoever, I usually just delete their number and refuse to associate myself with them ever again. Either you’re socially awkward or you think you’re Edward Cullen, you vampire freak. Moving on. One of my fave, yet severely underrated, perks is how sexual the ocean makes my hair look after I’m done swimming like a fish gasping for air magical mermaid. It’s like I can come to the beach on my fourth second unwashed hair day and no one would ever know because my hair suddenly looks full of life (for once) and has waves for days.
This becomes really convenient because on most days I’m drinking at the beach and I naturally lose track of how Lime-A-Ritas I’ve had. By the time I’m pretty drunk, I somehow convince myself and the two friends that actually put up with my shit that we should definitely go out to a bar after we’re tan (and drunk) enough to tell everyone we just came back from Turks and Caicos. Since I usually take forever and a day getting ready when I’m sober, it’s like a whole different story when I’m basically doing my hair and makeup with one eye open and one-half of my usual levels of hand-eye coordination.
Swimming in the ocean can make your hair look great and all, but if you’re crunched for time (or get too drunk like I usually do), styling your hair after the beach can be an issue when you still want to pull off an Herbal Essence commercial-worthy look while putting in the least amount of effort possible. Whether it’s just adding texture spray, throwing it up in a high ponytail, or simply leaving it wet after the shower, here are some hairstyles you can easily (and drunkenly) take straight from the beach to the bar.
1. Messy Waves
Like I mentioned, chances are the ocean was feeling pretty generous and gave you some salt water goodness, so your hair probably already has this look down pat. However, too much salt water can dry your hair out and leave you looking like Medusa, so scrunch your hair and use a texturizing spray like Reverie’s MARE Mediterranean Sea Mist to restore strength while maintaining the look you love.
2. Wet Hair, Don’t Care
Thank you, Kim, for blessing us once again with your trendy ways and making it socially acceptable to step out in public with wet hair. Otherwise there’s no way in hell anyone would ever let it slide. Imagine? “You just got out of the shower? That’s hot.” More like, “You just got out of the shower? Are you having a midlife crisis showing up here like that?”
After you’re done channeling your inner Bey during your shower, add some Kendra Professional Platinum Revive Oil—the same oil Kim used (assuming it’s good because like, Kim)—as a finishing touch.
^What I probs look like in the shower aka why I take 100 years to get ready
3. Own That Ponytail, Work That Updo
You can never go wrong with a fucking ponytail. Feel free to leave in loose waves for a beachy look or make it a high pony because your hair looks sexy pushed back. Spray on some hairspray, and off to tequila sunrises you go.
4. Loose Braid
I mean, clearly, we can’t all be Blake Lively no matter how many times we wish for it on our birthdays. It’s just not going to happen. The closest we’ll ever get is *attempting* to do a braid that looks as chic as this. If you’re like, creative, I guess (because a regular braid is good enough for me), opt for a loose fishtail braid with pieces of your hair framing your face. In a top 5, a braid is probably number one for the best summer hairstyle. It takes seconds to do and your hair is already pulled back from your face in case too many shots send you running for the bathroom.
5. Messy Bun
When all else fails and your fucking hair just isn’t cooperating with you, which happens to me 9/10 times, throw it up a messy bun and call it a day. After a few drinks, you won’t even care and let’s be real, it’ll probably get ruined anyway.
Now, go chug vodka because this was probably way more stressful than it was supposed to be. As fucking usual.
Another season of The Bachelorette premiered last night, and I think we can all breathe a sigh of relief that Rachel left those fugly-ass mustard colored shorts at home. Though I would bet my brunch reservations that we have not seen the last of those monstrosities. My guess is she brings those out right before hometown dates as a test to see which of the men will break their ABC contracts to avoid being seen with a grown woman wearing yellow cut-offs. Smart, Rachel. V smart.
I will say that Rachel looked flawless last night. Like, if my life were as put together as those barrel curls then I would not be anonymously roasting people on the internet rn. Sighs. I guess we all have our crosses to bear. But back to Rachel looking fine AF. She chose to go the traditional Bachelorette route with classic barrel curls, glossy lips, and a dress that shines brighter than Nick’s dancing career. Which is really a relief because Nick’s season of The Bachelor was ratchet AF and I was low-key nervous that Christen might have DM’d Rachel on Instagram trying to make cheetah patterned headbands happen.
Stop trying to make animal print happen, CHRISTEN. It’s never going to happen. Now please go back to the suburban mall you crawled out of.
Thank GOD Rachel wasn’t led astray by Nick’s rejects trolling for more Instagram followers any members of her squad. And because I’m literally obsessed with her look from last night I’ve detailed all the ways to steal her look so you too can be courted by tickle monsters and psychos who only speak to people through a doll. Blessings.
The Hair
Rachel’s hair was on point last night and it was all because she brought out the classic barrel curls, a staple among the Bachelor Nation community. Barrel curls is a look that screams “I’m ready for love” or, more accurately, “I’m ready to spend the next 3-5 years swapping STD’s with failed cast members of a network reality show.” *cough* NICK *cough* If that’s what you want your hair to say about you too, then you should definitely invest in Hot Tools 1″ Flipperless Gold Curling Wand. It’s great for faking salon style hair (though no one tell my stylist Susi this, I’m worried she might tell the powers that be to make me wait another 3 months to book an appointment at that godforsaken place) and it’s got a ton of temperature settings so you won’t sabotage your hair.
The Eyes
If there’s one thing Bachelor Nation has taught me, it’s that you will never get any screen time with your own eyelashes. Nope, not gonna happen. If you want to make 31 men embarrass themselves on national television fall in love with you after 3.5 seconds of meeting you, then you’re gonna need eyelash extensions. It’s the only way. Getting eyelash extensions is a process and there’s tons of shit that goes into choosing the best ones for you personally, but if you’re feeling the need to treat yourself waste your paycheck then you should def waste it on One Two Cosmetics magnetic lash extensions. They’re relatively cheap as far as eyelash extensions go and SUPER easy to use. Like, easy enough that even The Twins could figure it out, so there’s really no excuse not to buy this shit.
The Lips
Night one every Bachelorette tries to play it safe with their makeup lest they scare any potential suitors off with a bold lip. It’s boring and safe but Chad would have murdered Jordan Rodgers and his whole family night one had he seen Jordan walking around with red lipstick all over his face. Your go-to is going to be L’ORÉAL Paris Infallible Never Fail Lipgloss. It’s not super pricey and its staying power is longer than that grotesque kiss Bryan, 37, Chiropractor gave Rachel.
The Dress
THANK GOD someone gave this girl a stylist, because I was super nervous Rachel would fuck up her dress choice if left to her own devices. For a smart girl with a law degree she sure knows how to pick the cheapest dress in a department store clearance section. Case in point:
Is it a romper? A dress? A tribal printed garbage bag to match her suitors’ personalities? It’s really hard to tell. That being said, she chose a gorgeous—albeit basic—sparkly floor length gown that did not, shockingly, show off her cleavage but did show off the fact that she is classy AF. And because we don’t all have giant-ass mansions to test 31 men’s affection in, I’ve chosen a more casual version for you to use for your own purposes. This ASOS ‘90s inspired cami dress is perfect for a fancier date night or a Saturday DTF night, depending on what you’re into. Either way you’re going to look and feel like you’re better than everyone else and that’s really all you should strive for in an outfit.
And there you have it. You’re now ready for your own season of The Bachelorette, unless you don’t have enough of an Instagram following or you have more of a personality than a lightly salted cracker, in which case you’re just ready for Bumble. Similar to The Bachelorette, but with less dates that end in contractually obligated engagements and more dates ending in “would you like to split the bill?” May the odds be ever in your favor, ladies.
You know when you’re having a really great morning, you look good and you feel good, and then you read something really fucked up like margaritas are giving you skin rashes and you lose your will to live? Well, you may want to rethink getting out of bed this morning because this just in: perms are making a comeback. Anddd the hits just keep on coming.
Apparently perms are making a comeback and this must be stopped before my mother tags me in a very smug Facebook post. This is not a drill, people. Places like InStyle magazine, Marie Claire, and Women’s Health magazine have confirmed the story, but then again they also confirm stories like “Welcome to the Dollhouse: A Conversation With A Human Barbie” so can they really be trusted? I’ll leave that up to you. BUT if my worst nightmare is coming true and the ‘80s are coming back one beauty trend at a time, then here’s what you need to know about it:
1. Carrie Bradshaw’s Hair Isn’t Making A Comeback, Thank God
You can kind of breathe easy because the type of perm that’s making a comeback is not the over-volumized, tight curls, horrifying bangs type that we know and abhor. THANK GOD. But rather, the natural bend-in-the-hair type of perm, made famous by human praying mantises Victoria’s Secret models. Tbh it kinda makes me feel a little superior that Victoria’s Secret models might be walking around with permed hair (even if they look good AF doing it). Like, you may get the great body and date famous, beautiful people and have the metabolism of an anorexic 14-year-old girl and… I’m not sure where I was going with this but suddenly I have the urge to drink my feelings.
*opens bottle of wine*
2. It’s All About The Air Dried, I-Just-Emerged-From-A-Fucking-Lagoon Look
Which is a step away from the super styled curling iron waves that we know and love. Hmm is that why barrel curls were replaced on Nick’s season of The Bachelor with I’m-too-busy-getting-wasted-by-the-pool-to-finish-my-hair-before-the-rose-ceremony curls? Were those bitches actually ahead of the style curve or were they just, like, drunk and lazy? Food for thought.
Lol nah. Any girl who wears a leopard print headband isn’t ahead of anything other than the guy she’s flipping off on the New Jersey turnpike.
3. It All Depends On The Size Of The Rod
As is true with all things in life, how much I judge you your perm depends on the size of the rod. No, seriously. You can’t make this shit up. Using smaller rods will get you looking like a bridesmaid at your mother’s wedding somebody just put Baby in the corner, while larger rods give you that beachy wave perfection. Either way you should def consult with your hair stylist (Hi, Susi) to see how big of a rod you should use.
4. If Your Hair Color Isn’t Natural Then You’re In For A Fucking Problem
Unless you’re one of those girls who are in my burn book don’t color their hair, then you’re in for a real fucking problem. Overly highlighted hair doesn’t hold perms the same way natural hair does. This is especially true if you’re one of my sorority sisters bleaching your hair, because bleach-highlighted strands have a different consistency than the strands that aren’t highlighted, and this can seriously fuck with your curls. But because there is a God and She is obsessed with Flashdance rn, there are thio-free treatments (aka treatments that use a different chemical to break the bonds in hair) available for people who dye their hair and/or want a less damaging treatment.
Fuck, now I kind of want a perm. No one show my mother this, lest I eat shit in the family group chat. But seriously, I’m off to go reevaluate my life since apparently hell has frozen over.
