2020, amirite? That’s it, that’s the article.
I’m kidding! But seriously, have all years just gotten progressively worse, or does it only feel this way because of the 24-hour news cycle and advent of social media making it impossible to escape or stop talking about the bad news? Or is this the inevitable byproduct of capitalism, racism, environmental injustice, and fascism going unchecked and reaching a boiling point? Too deep for this article? Too deep for this article. If you thought the “Trump is going to tweet us into WWIII” phase of 2020 felt like forever ago, allow me to send you off the deep end by taking it a step further and reminiscing on huge cultural events that seem like they happened in another lifetime, but in fact, only took place in 2019. Get ready to go off a proverbial cliff.
Jordyn Woods Went On Red Table Talk
I remember it like it was both yesterday and 17 years ago: we were all in the office (a physical office, can you imagine?), gathered around the flat-screen TV, watching Jordyn Woods go on Red Table Talk with Jada Pinkett Smith to discuss her alleged tryst with Tristan Thompson. It was the kiss heard ’round the world: Jordyn, BFF of Kylie Jenner, smooching the baby daddy and ex of Kylie’s sister? It was a wild time. The memes. The jokes. The memes again. I miss it more than I miss some of my actual friends whom I haven’t seen in months.
Colton Jumped The Fence
Back when Colton Underwood was merely boring and not f*cking scary, we all waited with bated breath for the night he would finally vault himself over a fence in order to chase down the love of his life, Cassie Randolph. In retrospect, perhaps that should have been a sign this man did not exactly have a healthy attachment style. Anyway! Back in March 2019, The Bachelor viewers finally saw that long-awaited fence jump that Chris Harrison had been teasing out all season. Can’t believe we were actually looking forward to this at one point in our lives. But if I could somehow fence jump myself out of this universe, I definitely would.
Area 51 Raid
What I wouldn’t give for aliens to come to abduct me right now and take me away from this hellscape, tbh. This time last year, thousands of people RSVP’d to a Facebook event expressing their intent to storm Area 51. Nobody really did, because the event was made as a joke—although a few people did show up. What happened to them? Has anyone followed up or were they just wiped away from existence by the government? Anyway, looking back on it, I think we should have just gone for it and raided Area 51. Honestly, it’s not too late! Whatever could happen surely can’t make things any worse, right?
Justin & Hailey’s Wedding
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It feels like these two have been married for decades, what with their constant Instagram PDA and general parent-like wardrobe aesthetic, but you would be wrong in thinking this marriage has been on the books for that long. That’s right, friends, Justin Bieber and Hailey Baldwin only actually had their wedding in September 2019 (though they did have a courthouse wedding exactly one year before that, in 2018). When time is a complete social construct, it’s easy to forget that I have cans of black beans in my pantry that are older than this marriage.
College Admissions Scandal
Ah yes, remember a time when rich people would actually be punished for their crimes? It was not actually so long ago, merely the faraway time of 2019, when Lori Loughlin, Felicity Huffman, et. al. got busted for participating in an elaborate (and if you ask me, stupid) scheme to get their kids admitted to colleges under false pretenses. The charges were made public in March of 2019 and the sting was called Operation Varsity Blues. We got so much from this, including Olivia Jade’s fake rowing pictures, Lori Loughlin’s every attempt to justify her very much illegal actions, Felicity Huffman’s joke of a jail sentence, and probably the inevitable Netflix and Hulu documentaries. Do you think Olivia Jade will play herself in the fictionalized adaptation for HBO?
Bradley & Gaga’s Oscars Performance
Okay, to be fair, A Star Is Born was big in 2018 technically, since The Oscars take place in February. But still, who else can barely remember a time when you could have 100 people in a room, regardless of whether or not 99 of those people believe in you? I shudder at the thought now. As does the time Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga basically had sex on stage with their eyes while performing the breakout hit from the movie they starred in together. It feels like 5 years ago, but it was really more like one and a half.
Series Finale of ‘Game of Thrones’
Yeah, the series finale of Game of Thrones completely sucked, but you know what’s even worse? The series finale of American democracy. I really wish the biggest thing we had to complain about was investing years in a TV show that completely sh*t the bed on its ending. Even though Game of Thrones only ended in May 2019, I for one have enjoyed this extremely blissful period in which I stopped having to pretend like I cared at all. Honestly, I wish it had ended sooner.
Miley Cyrus & Liam Hemsworth’s Divorce
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…And Miley’s subsequent Hot Girl Summer journey. We have yet to see anything like the utter messiness of Miley and Liam getting divorced after basically pulling a decade-long “will-they-won’t-they” on the general public, and then Miley gallivanting around Italy with Kaitlynn Carter, who had just divorced from her ex, Brody Jenner. It was a media circus that we were all living for. Ugh, those were fun times.
The U.S. Women’s Soccer Team Won The World Cup
Jesus f*cking Christ, look at how much can change in a year. In July 2019, the U.S. Women’s Soccer team won the 2019 FIFA World Cup, and we were all “girl power!” and “goals!” and “Megan Rapinoe is bae “. Now, we’re all “Make The Handmaid’s Tale fictional again” and “please don’t confirm a Supreme Court Justice who basically walked straight out of Gilead” and “should I get an IUD?”
Trump Was Impeached
Yeah, that only happened in December 2019. And thank goodness it taught him a much-needed lesson on not overstepping your power, denouncing white supremacists, and gracefully conceding should he lose the general election come November. Oh, wait.
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Images: DFree / Shutterstock.com; Giphy; haileybieber, mileycyrus / Instagram; Ed Herrera / Getty Images
If there is one adjective I’d use to describe all of us, as a collective species, in 2019, it would be tired. No matter if you’re rich, poor, conservative, liberal, male, female, we can all agree that we are just exhausted—physically, emotionally, spiritually. Show me someone who can’t relate to one of those “I haven’t had a good night’s sleep since 2008 memes” and I’ll show you either a speed addict or a liar. Even celebrities are tired, apparently! That’s evidenced by the fact that Hailey
Baldwin Bieber (gotta get used to that), who just turned 23 today, revealed in an interview with Highsnobiety that she would have thrown a blowout birthday party, but she’s simply “too tired”. Now, as much as I want to come for her, I’ve got to say, the girl has a point.
Upon the interviewer remarking that today is, in fact, Hailey’s birthday, Hailey says, “It’s my Jordan year. I’m turning 23 (today, November 22), and I had this idea where I was going to throw a Jordan party and everyone would have to wear Jordan.” Sounds both literal and expensive. E! News reported on Mrs. Bieber’s initial party plans in an article called “Hailey Bieber Is ‘Too Tired’ to Throw a Party For Her 23rd Birthday”, remarking, “‘Jordan year’ is in reference to famous basketball player Michael Jordan whose number was 23 throughout his career. Who knew Hailey was such a sports aficionado!” To which I have got to say: no, she is not a “sports aficionado”—that’s like me saying that knowing Derek Jeter used to play for the Yankees makes me a baseball connoisseur, or having a “22” themed birthday makes me a Taylor Swift superfan—she is simply a person who was alive when Miley Cyrus, Juicy J, and Mike Will released their hit song “23”. To which I have to add, having a “Jordan” party is very 2013.
In any case, outdated reference or not, the Jordan party will not happen because, as Bieber tells Highsnobiety, “I’m just too tired, I don’t want to entertain people.” I wanted to inquire if she would even be responsible for planning or coordinating her own party, but it didn’t even seem worth the effort. Whether she is actually organizing the minutiae of the event or not (almost surely not), she would still have to get her makeup done, show up to the party, pose for photos, socialize, and just generally be around people—feats that I think we can all agree sound thoroughly exhausting. Not to mention, Hailey has had not one, but two weddings this year, and her big blowout wedding happened just two months ago. That was basically her huge birthday party, no theme necessary.
I’ll admit, I was ready and eager to do a full roast of Hailey Bieber for these comments. Too tired to throw a party?! How will we, as a collective society, survive without what would have surely been the cultural touchstone of the century? Not to mention, doing a “Jordan” themed party where your guests are all required to wear sneakers that cost upwards of $100 is not exactly the most socially conscious or aware decision. But then again, neither is turning your baby daddy’s album cover into a theme park or having not one, not two, not three, but FOUR designer dresses at your wedding in the first place. And, I am pretty confident nobody on Hailey Bieber’s guest list would have been unable to afford a pair of Jordans, anyway. So, even though this never-realized party is not exactly groundbreaking in either theme or cultural relevance, it’s not even outlandish enough to be worth a roast.
After all was said and done (and I actually read the initial Highsnobiety interview), I wondered if E! News was giving Hailey a bit of the Emma Watson treatment. The questions about Hailey’s birthday are ordered first in the interview, but the initial interview does not position those comments—which are clearly meant as a joke, since after remarking she’s too tired to entertain people, Hailey laughs—as front and center or the focus of the piece. The title of the interview is actually, “Hailey Bieber on Calvin Klein, Her Beauty Empire Dreams & Why She Thinks Kylie Jenner Is ‘a Genius”. This stays true to what is discussed in the interview. I’m not saying that Hailey Bieber is the next Gloria Steinem or anybody, or that E! News did her a huge wrong, but the interview is not completely vapid, either. She lauds Rihanna and Kylie Jenner for creating products and brands they genuinely believe in, and expressing similar aspirations while being aware of the danger of copying existing celebrities’ brands. In other words, it’s pretty standard stuff.
Then again, when asked what matters to her, things get a little murky. She expresses the desire to use her platform for “talking to young women”, which seems like a good idea in theory, but is left extremely vague. What does that mean exactly, answering DMs? Bieber does not really expand upon this idea; she simply says, “Women supporting women has become such a big conversation but theres still so much we can do. There’s no reason there needs to be this girl against girl drama, and social media makes it way worse. There’s no reason why we cant be kind to each other.” That is all fine and good, but she offers no further ideas about what actually we can do. I’m all for celebrities taking up a pet cause, but just pointing out a (pretty mild in the grand scheme of things) problem is not actually the same as doing anything about it. I feel like, if anything, this is just another callback to Selena Gomez and her new-ish song about Justin Bieber—so, essentially, Hailey’s answer for “what matters to you” is kind of, “that people stop talking sh*t about me”. A relatable sentiment, for sure, but more of a personal problem than a noble cause.
So when all is said and done, who am I really mad at? E! News, for putting a somewhat funny and relatable spin on an otherwise meh fluff piece? Highsnobiety for asking a bunch of softball questions and then publishing that in a Q&A format, without even an attempt to synthesize all these comments into some sort of narrative? Or myself, for getting all excited to do a complete take-down, only to actually read all the background information and be sorely disappointed, and then playing right back into that with my own headline? Myself. Definitely myself.
If yesterday was like Christmas, then Selena Gomez really is the gift that keeps on giving. On Tuesday night, she released her big comeback single “Lose You To Love Me,” and we spent most of yesterday processing the lyrics and the ensuing shade between Selena and Hailey Bieber. If I was Selena Gomez, I would be taking a f*cking nap right now, but no. Selena wasn’t done. She dropped another surprise song last night, and she also addressed the ~negativity~ that’s been going around. Basically, we have a lot to talk about.
Last night, Selena went on Instagram Live to talk with her fans, and share the surprise of her even newer new song, “Look At Her Now.” On the Live, Selena called the new song “my special gift to all of my ride or dies,” and shared that the new video was filmed on an iPhone. Idk what magical iPhone Selena Gomez has, because all of my videos still look pretty tragic compared to hers.
On Instagram Live, Selena also gave a message that some people took as being directed at the Hailey drama: “I will never stand for women tearing other women down, so please be kind to each other.” To be honest, I think it’s kind of a reach to assume this is about Hailey, but you never know. Selena Gomez has like, 150 million Instagram followers, so I’m sure she sees plenty of people being nasty in the comments. I doubt Selena Gomez and Hailey Bieber are going to be getting brunch together anytime soon, but I’m going to assume we won’t be seeing any more of this feud play out publicly. We’ll have to stay tuned for when Justin starts releasing new music, and then maybe the claws will come out again, if we’re lucky.
But let’s get back to the new song. “Look At Her Now” is more of an uptempo EDM vibe, and it’s a far cry from the dreary piano ballad that Selena gave us yesterday. That being said, it’s definitely still about Justin. While the lyrics are a little less emo, they still deal with young love, and growing apart, and finding yourself.
“It was her first real lover
His too ’til he had another
Oh, God, when she found out
Trust levels went way down”
She also repeatedly says that she “dodged a bullet,” and sings about the women she’s grown into now. With the “dodged a bullet” line, I’m sure Hailey is currently writing in her burn book about how Selena Gomez is a fugly slut, but she hasn’t posted anything about it yet. Sad!
When you think about it, “Look At Her Now” is more or less the same song as “Lose You To Love Me,” just with more of a peppy beat and a chorus that’s made up of “mm-mm-mm” instead of actual words. A lyrical masterpiece if I’ve ever seen one. It’s what the kids would call a banger, and I can see this one being a big hit. Actually, I’m a big fan of this song, for the same reason I’m a big fan of most of Selena Gomez’s music. It’s catchy, fun to dance to, and it makes the most of Selena’s limited vocal talent. I mean, no one likes Selena Gomez music because they think Selena is a great singer, right? Right??
Now that Selena Gomez has cemented her comeback with back-to-back songs about Justin, I’m really curious to see where she goes from here. She said on Wednesday that she wrote “Lose You To Love Me” more than a year ago, and that she’s come a long way since then. Okay so…does she have anything else going on in her life besides ruminating on her relationship with Justin? I’m glad she’s getting all the Justin-based clout she can, but it’s not going to last forever. Stay tuned, I guess?
Here’s the full video for “Look At Her Now.” Have fun watching and pondering how the f*ck you get an iPhone video to look like that.
Images: Shutterstock; Selena Gomez / YouTube
Last night, I eagerly stayed up til midnight, like a kid on Christmas Eve hoping to catch a glimpse of Santa. But I wasn’t waiting for Santa, no, it was something even better: the long-awaited return of Selena Gomez. She hasn’t released an album since 2015, only a few one-off singles, none of which have really tackled her personal life. Since announcing her new song “Lose You To Love Me” last week, Selena has recently teased the drop with black and white photos and childhood pics, all with angsty captions about giving your all and being let down. In particular, the childhood photos feel pretty dark, and I was starting to wonder if Selena is like, okay?
Obviously, we all assumed the song was about Justin Bieber, and I was ready to write an article breaking down the most emo lyrics. Well, the song is definitely about Justin, and it has plenty of emo lyrics, like “rose-colored glasses all distorted,” but somehow, that’s not even the most interesting thing that’s happening here. The song is actually pretty good, but the real story here is Hailey Bieber vs. Selena Gomez, because the girls have officially gone wild.
The whole world knew that Selena’s song was coming out last night, and Hailey and Justin don’t live under a rock. They probably knew the song was coming out even before it was announced, and just from the title, I’m sure Justin knew it was going to be about him. I mean, it really didn’t take a rocket scientist to figure it out. While Justin has kept quiet around the release of the song, Hailey posted an Instagram story less than an hour before the song’s release last night, and it’s hard not to draw a connection.
As you can see, Hailey just happened to be listening to “I’ll Kill You” by Summer Walker. Hmmm. It’s nothing unusual to post a screenshot of a song to Instagram, but the exact song and timing doesn’t feel like an accident. I love Summer Walker too, but I wouldn’t just accidentally post a song called “I’ll Kill You” to my Insta story 30 minutes before my husband’s ex released a song about him. I don’t know if Hailey is the smartest person in the world, but I don’t think she’s that clueless.
Given that the song came out in the middle of the night, I kind of assumed that would be the end of it for the day, but Selena Gomez wasn’t done. I guess it was only 9pm in LA when the song came out, so there was still ample time for shade. Over an hour after the song dropped, Selena hopped on Twitter and Instagram with a Notes app message (my favorite form of communication) that’s mostly about God but also definitely about Hailey.
To be honest, my eyes kind of glazed over during the parts about falling in love with Him and needing His love and falling to her knees—I’m happy she’s spiritually fulfilled, but the God talk isn’t my thing. But I perked back up just in time for the end of the note, which almost made me fall out of my f*cking chair.
“See the enemy keeps trying to tear me down and it’s just not gonna happen. Not today. Not the next..”
Ohhhhh my goodness. (I tried really hard not to take the Lord’s name in vain there.) I need a detailed description of exactly who Selena Gomez considers to be “the enemy” ASAP, but I have a few theories (that, again, are not rocket science). She could be straight-up referring to the devil, which would make sense with the Jesus-y vibes, but I have a feeling she’s either talking about the world in general and her “haters,” or more specifically to Justin and Hailey. THE ENEMY.
In her new song, one particularly telling lyric is “in two months, you replaced us like it was easy.” Now, some of the specific dates are a little fuzzy, but this part is crystal clear. Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez broke up for the last time in March 2018, and Justin and Hailey were seen hanging out together in—you guessed it—MAY 2018. TWO F*CKING MONTHS. Aside from the general sad tone of the song, this specific lyric suggests that Selena has still not forgiven Justin, and that she sees Hailey as the one who swooped in and took her man.
Selena Gomez is famously private, and I have a feeling she’s never going to talk about this publicly, so this Notes app message about Jesus is probably the closest we’re going to get to her throwing shade. I’ll take it. Really, I hope that Justin takes this as the perfect opportunity to drop his big comeback single, which will probably not be about Selena, but I want it anyway. Hailey, I could really give or take in this situation, but I will obviously analyze any future shady Instagram stories she posts.
Why do I care so much about these people? I won’t ever truly know, but damn, I care so much. Now, I’m going to go listen to “Lose You To Love Me” for any clues I missed the first 50 times, so please excuse me.
Images: Shutterstock.com; selenagomez (2), haileybieber / Instagram
Well, it’s official! Actually, it’s been official for like, 11 months, but now Justin and Hailey Bieber have finally marked their love with an extravagant wedding. So it’s like, official official. Mazel tov! These two crazy kids had their wedding on Monday night, probably because
they got a discount none of these people have real jobs, and many of their closest friends made the journey from Hollywood to South Carolina just for the occasion. Let’s take a look at who made the cut, what they wore, and who was left off the list (or just at Paris Fashion Week).
Kylie & Stormi
To be honest, Kylie really shut it down with this look. Sure, it’s a little Hunger Games opening ceremony, but this wedding was obviously supposed to be over the top. Stormi was also there, and she looked f*cking adorable. Unclear if Travis Scott was also there, but he stayed out of the photos if he was. Kylie left South Carolina on a private jet at like 7am this morning, and I have a feeling she didn’t get too much sleep.
Kendall Jenner was one of the few famous faces that was visible in the paparazzi pics from Sunday night’s rehearsal dinner, so we knew that she was going to be at the actual wedding. Her dress honestly looks a little like a skeleton costume, which would have been perfect if this wedding was a month later. Whatever, she still looks hot. She also made sure to clarify that she’s not dating the guy in the photo, even though he’s super f*cking hot.
For the Jenners, it really was a family affair, as Kris and Corey Gamble accompanied Kendall and Kylie to the wedding. Kris posted this picture, where she’s looking especially like Liza Minnelli. They look like they were having fun, but I’m dying that Kris posted the grainiest f*cking photo from this A-list wedding. Like, all the other photo booth pictures look like they could be in Vogue, and Kris’ eyes are just two pixels. Do better!
It’s no big surprise that Will Smith’s son Jaden was at the wedding, as he’s always run with a similar crew to Justin and Hailey. This selfie that Kendall’s date put on his story is wonderfully messy, but it made me think. If this wedding had happened a year ago, I’m willing to bet money that Jordyn Woods would’ve been smack dab in the middle of this photo. Ah, how the turn tables have…
Joan Smalls is one of the biggest models in the world, and it looks like she had a blast at the wedding. I mean, this is a pretty stunning group of women, so it’s probably for the best that I wasn’t invited, because I would’ve looked like an actual toad compared to them. These ladies would absolutely bully me, and I would let them.
Justine Skye is a singer/actress/model with over two million followers on Instagram, but I mostly wanted to include her in this list because of her caption. Like, does everyone at the wedding know that Justin & Hailey have been married for a whole year? Like, it’s not groundbreaking that Hailey is a wife, babe. And better yet, she’s a WHOLE wife. Wow!!
Sadly, the wedding fell right in the middle of Paris Fashion Week, so the Hadid sisters were not in attendance. In particular, Gigi was a little busy at the Chanel show, where she single-handedly got rid of a catwalk crasher during the finale. If Gigi’s not careful, she’s gonna end up on the security team instead of the runway next season.
And while the Jenners were in attendance, the actual Kardashians were nowhere to be found. I guess it makes sense that Kendall and Kylie are in the same age group as Justin and Hailey, but I still kind of expected the whole fam to be invited. I guess they had to cut some corners on the guest list!
Images: kyliejenner, kendalljenner, yourboyfai, joansmalls, justineskai, zaddyzlut / Instagram
This weekend, Justin Bieber and Hailey Baldwin will finally have their wedding, just about a year after actually getting married. I’m not sure why they chose to do things in this order, but to each their own. Justin and Hailey are having their wedding in South Carolina, which sounds kind of random, but trust me, it’s plenty nice.
The big occasion is taking place at the Montage Palmetto Bluff resort, which basically looks like a southern palace. I’m talking wrap-around porches. I’m talking steeples. I’m talking sprawling, manicured lawns and giant oak trees. I’m not sure about Justin and Hailey’s personal connection to South Carolina, but the hotel looks lovely. The thing is, the other guests at the hotel aren’t so happy about the Justin Bieber circus that’s rolling into town.
According to an email obtained by TMZ, all the guests at the hotel were recently notified that much of the property will be off-limits to them this weekend. This includes the pool, spa, and one of the restaurants on the property. These areas will be closed for 48 hours from Sunday to Tuesday, because the wedding is apparently happening on Monday. Justin and Hailey probably got a better deal that way!
Naturally, some of the hotel guests are um, not happy about the way this was handled. While the hotel is apparently offering partial refunds and a free meal for the inconvenience, this isn’t really the kind of thing you should wait to tell people until three days before. I’d bet that most of these people would have chosen to just stay somewhere else if they had known. Obviously, no one is dying here, but it still seems pretty sh*tty.
Also? I’m actually not sure why Justin Bieber wouldn’t just rent out the whole property for this weekend. Yeah, that probably costs like, a million dollars or something (I’m a financial planner, if you couldn’t tell), but according to a quick Google search, his net worth is over $200 million, so it’s not like he doesn’t have the money. And that way, he wouldn’t have to deal with randos and paparazzi photographers trying to get photos from across the golf course. Really, it would’ve been a win-win.
The big day is on Monday, and obviously we’ll be eagerly awaiting photos from the closed-down hotel pool (will Selena Gomez be in attendance??), but in the meantime, Hailey had a bachelorette party with friends on Wednesday night. Here’s a video of her with a penis water bottle, in case that’s something you’ve been dying to see:
I don’t know where they are that has those sh*tty cream-colored curtains, but Hailey looks happy about it. This wedding is basically all she’s ever wanted, and you know what? I’m really happy for her and Justin. Honestly, I bet she’ll be pregnant literally any day after the wedding, because I get big stay-at-home-mom vibes from her already. Maybe then Justin Bieber will finally give us a new album? We can only hope.
Images: montagepalmettobluff, sophienolanc / Instagram
What keeps you up at night? Insomnia? Stress dreams? The unquenchable desire to know when Hailey Baldwin and Justin Bieber will eventually have their (public) wedding? If you answered the latter, you’re in the right place. After months of speculation, it looks like we’re finally getting some details on when these two crazy kids will be tying the knot. Buckle up, there’s a lot of hearsay from here on out.
To recap, Bieber and Baldwin were married in a low-key courthouse ceremony last September but it was not officially confirmed until November via this Instagram post by none other than Justin himself.
Naturally, rumors of a bigger, star-studded ceremony started swirling immediately. It was leaked that save the dates were sent out for a February 28th event, but then TMZ reported in January that Hailey and Justin needed to postpone because some of the Bieber extended family was unable to attend. Another source claimed the wedding would be going down the weekend of March 1st, which coincided with Justin’s 25th birthday. However, that day came and went without any bells ringing, and for good reason, it seems.
In March, Justin took to Instagram to announce that he would be stepping back from music to focus on his mental health in the hopes of becoming the best version of himself for his wife and potential future children, a move that I think we can all agree is in the best interest of all parties involved. It’s almost like becoming an international pop star at the age of 12 can negatively impact the rest of your life or something.
After that, updates from the Bieber/Baldwin camp became nearly nonexistent until last week, when they were resurrected by the appearance of wedding bands on the young, tanned, incredibly rich fingers of both Hailey and Justin. The Cut is now reporting that the wedding will be happening in September, closer to their actual one year anniversary. Considering how high-profile of an event it’s bound to be, it’s likely we won’t have any real confirmation until after the fact, despite the fervent DMs I keep sending to every member of the Baldwin family.
As for the wedding itself? Safe to say it’ll be Christian as hell. It’s been said that Hillsong pastor Carl Lentz will be officiating the ceremony, which makes sense, as both Hailey and Justin are avid devotees of his church. Attending services there, in fact, is what lead to their initial romance.
The location of these nuptials remains to be revealed, with some guessing the West Coast wooded affair that Hailey alluded to in an interview with The Cut last year, and others assuming a tropical destination event because, well, they’re rich as f*ck. As every single person attached to this story has access to a private jet, I’m thinking speculating will get us nowhere.
It goes without saying that this wedding is going to be loaded with celebrities. In one of their initial rounds of planning, 300 invites were allegedly sent out. I’m imaging a My Sweet Sixteen distribution method of gathering all their friends in the parking lot of a high school and then calling out a select few over a bejeweled megaphone. Those were the days, right?
So who amongst Hollywood’s A-List were lucky enough to secure a coveted invite? Oh, just Kylie Jenner (duh), Travis Scott (sure), Chris Brown (gag), and the rest of the Kardashian-Hadid clan, just to name a few. Like, I get that Hailey is drop dead gorgeous and a literal model, but I can’t think of anyone I want near me in my wedding photos less than Gigi Hadid and Kendall Jenner.
This is a developing story, so stay tuned for further updates on Bieber-Baldwin watch 2019. No, we don’t have anything more important to be doing and yes, I went to journalism school for this.
Images: Giphy (2)
Today, I’m going to talk about something that I don’t bring up very often: I love Justin Bieber. He’s hot AF, he gives no f*cks, and let’s face it: he makes bangers. Am I the only one who still bumps “Sorry” on a very regular basis? It’s just like, a perfect pop song. Unfortunately for me (and all the 16-year-old girls out there), Justin hasn’t been making bangers lately. His last album came out in November of 2015, which, according to my calculations, is way too long ago. Justin’s fans have become impatient, constantly harassing him on social media about when we can expect new music.
Justin has obviously seen thecomments and tweets begging him for an album, and yesterday he addressed his fans in a long Instagram caption. I would complain about the medium he used, but at least it’s not a Notes app screenshot. Anyway, Justin says that “you guys probably saw I was unhappy last tour,” and explains that neither he nor the fans deserve that version of him. Honestly, that’s true—if I wanted to pay like, $100 to watch someone mope around on stage, I’d go see The Smiths. Justin also says that he toured throughout his teenage years and early 20s, and he just needs a break. All of this makes sense, and I’m willing to wait another year if Justin Bieber really needs it. But the next part of the caption was what really caught my attention.
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So I read a lot of messages saying you want an album .. I’ve toured my whole teenage life, and early 20s, I realized and as you guys probably saw I was unhappy last tour and I don’t deserve that and you don’t deserve that, you pay money to come and have a lively energetic fun light concert and I was unable emotionally to give you that near the end of the tour. I have been looking, seeking, trial and error as most of us do, I am now very focused on repairing some of the deep rooted issues that I have as most of us have, so that I don’t fall apart, so that I can sustain my marriage and be the father I want to be. Music is very important to me but Nothing comes before my family and my health. I will come with a kick ass album ASAP, my swag is undeniable and my drive is indescribable his love is supernatural his grace is that reliable…. the top is where I reside period whether I make music or not the king said so. ? but I will come with a vengeance believe that.. (grammar and punctuation will be terrible pretend it’s a text where u just don’t care).
“I am now very focused on repairing some of the deep rooted issues that I have as most of us have, so that I don’t fall apart, so that I can sustain my marriage and be the father I want to be.” EXCUSE ME? FATHER?!?!! What child does he speak of?? Hailey and Justin have been open about issues they’ve had in their relationship (prob because they got married after like, a month of dating), and I respect them for that, but why would he say something about being a father?? Is there a baby on the way? I need answers!!!
While I sit here trying to figure out what this all means, Hailey seems like she’s fully on board with whatever Justin Bieber is talking about. Here’s what she commented on Justin’s photo:
Okay, so she’s being a supportive wife, which is nice to see, but I don’t really see any clues here about a potential pregnancy situation. Sad! Hailey, I really expected you to be a little more helpful here. Luckily, we have access to a very clear, recent photo of Hailey’s stomach, because Justin posted this photo of her in bed last night on his Instagram Story:
Okay, so she obviously isn’t like, nine months pregnant or anything, but I’m not going to try to speculate based on this photo. I mean, Kylie Jenner kept her pregnancy (sort of) secret for nine months, so truly anything is possible in this day and age. So at this point, I am going to exercise my right to remain silent. What I can comment on, however, is that awful necklace. I sincerely hope that those are not real diamonds. Money doesn’t buy you taste! Additionally, the “that’s my toe” caption is the funniest thing I’ve seen in a while (it’s been a week), and instantly reminded me of this:
For the reasons laid out above, I will refrain from commenting on Justin Bieber’s toe. But back to the baby!
I went to Twitter to see if there were any more clues about a Bieber baby on the way, but these two are utterly unhelpful. Justin hasn’t tweeted since his birthday on March 1, and Hailey basically only tweets about the gameshow Drop The Mic, which she hosts. Speaking of Twitter, I’m really feeling like a psychic, because I tweeted this less than 24 hours before Justin Bieber posted his message:
not to be dramatic but I would chop off my arm for some new Justin Bieber music
— Betches (@betchesluvthis) March 24, 2019
Wow, I can’t believe that Justin saw my tweet and felt so strongly that he had to respond with a public Instagram caption. I am truly soooo powerful. Going back to Justin’s Instagram caption, my favorite part was really the very end, after he got done talking about God: “(grammar and punctuation will be terrible pretend it’s a text where u just don’t care.)” This is like the Instagram equivalent of having your email signature be “sent from my iPhone, please ignore any typos.” Did I mention anywhere in this article that I love Justin Bieber? Honestly, I should’ve just put this disclaimer at the end of every paper I ever wrote in college while cracked out on Adderall.
While we’re here talking about Justin and Hailey and the possibility of a child, it’s important to note that this isn’t the first time we’ve thought Hailey might be pregnant. Back in October, Justin’s dad raised many questions after posting a photo of Justin, calling him a father-to-be. That obviously turned out not to be a thing, because Hailey is definitely not pregnant enough now to still be pregnant from October. I’m no OBGYN, but that’s just not how it works. So basically, take this all with a grain of salt, which is the size of an embryo at four weeks. *ba-dum-shhhh*
Obviously, we will be closely monitoring Justin and Hailey’s social media for any signs of baby news, but for now it seems like Justin was just doing his thing and spouting words about family and God and life and being a father in the future. Or…. wait… what if we have this “father” thing all wrong? What if Justin is actually becoming a priest?? I think I’m onto something. Move over, Carl Lentz. Father Justin is going to be the next Pope, I’m calling it now.
Images: @justinbieber / Instagram (3); @betchesluvthis, thtkidchristian / Twitter