2020, amirite? That’s it, that’s the article.
I’m kidding! But seriously, have all years just gotten progressively worse, or does it only feel this way because of the 24-hour news cycle and advent of social media making it impossible to escape or stop talking about the bad news? Or is this the inevitable byproduct of capitalism, racism, environmental injustice, and fascism going unchecked and reaching a boiling point? Too deep for this article? Too deep for this article. If you thought the “Trump is going to tweet us into WWIII” phase of 2020 felt like forever ago, allow me to send you off the deep end by taking it a step further and reminiscing on huge cultural events that seem like they happened in another lifetime, but in fact, only took place in 2019. Get ready to go off a proverbial cliff.
Jordyn Woods Went On Red Table Talk
I remember it like it was both yesterday and 17 years ago: we were all in the office (a physical office, can you imagine?), gathered around the flat-screen TV, watching Jordyn Woods go on Red Table Talk with Jada Pinkett Smith to discuss her alleged tryst with Tristan Thompson. It was the kiss heard ’round the world: Jordyn, BFF of Kylie Jenner, smooching the baby daddy and ex of Kylie’s sister? It was a wild time. The memes. The jokes. The memes again. I miss it more than I miss some of my actual friends whom I haven’t seen in months.
Colton Jumped The Fence
Back when Colton Underwood was merely boring and not f*cking scary, we all waited with bated breath for the night he would finally vault himself over a fence in order to chase down the love of his life, Cassie Randolph. In retrospect, perhaps that should have been a sign this man did not exactly have a healthy attachment style. Anyway! Back in March 2019, The Bachelor viewers finally saw that long-awaited fence jump that Chris Harrison had been teasing out all season. Can’t believe we were actually looking forward to this at one point in our lives. But if I could somehow fence jump myself out of this universe, I definitely would.
Area 51 Raid
What I wouldn’t give for aliens to come to abduct me right now and take me away from this hellscape, tbh. This time last year, thousands of people RSVP’d to a Facebook event expressing their intent to storm Area 51. Nobody really did, because the event was made as a joke—although a few people did show up. What happened to them? Has anyone followed up or were they just wiped away from existence by the government? Anyway, looking back on it, I think we should have just gone for it and raided Area 51. Honestly, it’s not too late! Whatever could happen surely can’t make things any worse, right?
Justin & Hailey’s Wedding
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It feels like these two have been married for decades, what with their constant Instagram PDA and general parent-like wardrobe aesthetic, but you would be wrong in thinking this marriage has been on the books for that long. That’s right, friends, Justin Bieber and Hailey Baldwin only actually had their wedding in September 2019 (though they did have a courthouse wedding exactly one year before that, in 2018). When time is a complete social construct, it’s easy to forget that I have cans of black beans in my pantry that are older than this marriage.
College Admissions Scandal
Ah yes, remember a time when rich people would actually be punished for their crimes? It was not actually so long ago, merely the faraway time of 2019, when Lori Loughlin, Felicity Huffman, et. al. got busted for participating in an elaborate (and if you ask me, stupid) scheme to get their kids admitted to colleges under false pretenses. The charges were made public in March of 2019 and the sting was called Operation Varsity Blues. We got so much from this, including Olivia Jade’s fake rowing pictures, Lori Loughlin’s every attempt to justify her very much illegal actions, Felicity Huffman’s joke of a jail sentence, and probably the inevitable Netflix and Hulu documentaries. Do you think Olivia Jade will play herself in the fictionalized adaptation for HBO?
Bradley & Gaga’s Oscars Performance
Okay, to be fair, A Star Is Born was big in 2018 technically, since The Oscars take place in February. But still, who else can barely remember a time when you could have 100 people in a room, regardless of whether or not 99 of those people believe in you? I shudder at the thought now. As does the time Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga basically had sex on stage with their eyes while performing the breakout hit from the movie they starred in together. It feels like 5 years ago, but it was really more like one and a half.
Series Finale of ‘Game of Thrones’
Yeah, the series finale of Game of Thrones completely sucked, but you know what’s even worse? The series finale of American democracy. I really wish the biggest thing we had to complain about was investing years in a TV show that completely sh*t the bed on its ending. Even though Game of Thrones only ended in May 2019, I for one have enjoyed this extremely blissful period in which I stopped having to pretend like I cared at all. Honestly, I wish it had ended sooner.
Miley Cyrus & Liam Hemsworth’s Divorce
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…And Miley’s subsequent Hot Girl Summer journey. We have yet to see anything like the utter messiness of Miley and Liam getting divorced after basically pulling a decade-long “will-they-won’t-they” on the general public, and then Miley gallivanting around Italy with Kaitlynn Carter, who had just divorced from her ex, Brody Jenner. It was a media circus that we were all living for. Ugh, those were fun times.
The U.S. Women’s Soccer Team Won The World Cup
Jesus f*cking Christ, look at how much can change in a year. In July 2019, the U.S. Women’s Soccer team won the 2019 FIFA World Cup, and we were all “girl power!” and “goals!” and “Megan Rapinoe is bae “. Now, we’re all “Make The Handmaid’s Tale fictional again” and “please don’t confirm a Supreme Court Justice who basically walked straight out of Gilead” and “should I get an IUD?”
Trump Was Impeached
Yeah, that only happened in December 2019. And thank goodness it taught him a much-needed lesson on not overstepping your power, denouncing white supremacists, and gracefully conceding should he lose the general election come November. Oh, wait.
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Images: DFree / Shutterstock.com; Giphy; haileybieber, mileycyrus / Instagram; Ed Herrera / Getty Images
Besides all that stuff that’s happening with Russia or whatever, the most important story this summer has been the barrage of celebrity engagements. Pete and Ariana kicked things off, and most recently, Nick Jonas and Priyanka Chopra hopped on the bandwagon. This, of course, leaves Justin Bieber and Hailey Baldwin, who shocked us all when they recently rekindled their romance. Well, they apparently didn’t want a long engagement, because there are some major hints that they might have already gotten married in secret. Dun dun DUN. Let’s examine the evidence.
First of all, we have some jewelry to discuss. Specifically, Hailey’s recent choice of rings. After Justin proposed to Hailey, she was seen out and about wearing a big gorgeous engagement ring. The ring, which features an oval-shaped diamond and 18k yellow gold, probably costs more than my childhood home, but it’s whatever, I’m not jealous. As you can see in the photos below, Hailey was last seen wearing this ring on July 29th, with no other rings on that finger. That’s important, but I also need to know how she wears white pants that long without getting dirt and sh*t all over them. Celebrities, they’re just like us but cleaner?
Fast forward one day to July 30th. Time really flies when you’re
getting prematurely engaged having fun. If you look at the photos below, you’ll notice a few things. First of all, Hailey has clearly recently discovered hair gel. I mean, that hair is slick. She’s also wearing the same outfit that I would wear to a ’90s-themed music festival and nowhere else, but she’s just going to a deli in Brooklyn. Same girl, same. The windbreaker (dress?) is sadly not available for purchase online, but the airplane seatbelt can be yours for a small fee of $163. Sign me up!
Sorry, back to the jewelry. If you direct your attention to to Hailey’s ring finger once again, you’ll notice that the engagement ring is gone (I stole it), and has been replaced with two other rings. One is some kind of stackable gold ring, but the other looks, um, a heck of a lot like a wedding ring. Upon closer inspection, it’s a simple band that’s covered in diamonds, which reallllllly looks like a wedding ring. Hm.
So, if the jewelry is any indication, something happened between the 29th and the 30th that made Hailey want to switch up her ring finger situation. So what’s the other evidence that a wedding might have taken place? First of all, we have a telling Justin/paparazzi interaction from July 29th. When asked about new music, he responded that his number-one priority right now is getting married. Like, he said that there wouldn’t be any more new music until after he was married. When I read this, I was thinking the timeframe was probably in months, but maybe he was thinking hours?
That’s not the only thing that makes a secret wedding seem possible. Remember those first photos from July 29th, where Hailey is definitely wearing her ring? Well, she was with Justin that day, and one of the stops they made was at our favorite hangout spot, Hillsong Church. That’s right, they met with the pastor. When JB groupie/Pastor Carl Lentz is involved, you know something important is going down. I love making jokes about Justin and his love for church, but wow, we’ve gotten a lot of great photos of him and various girlfriends leaving church.
So now I’m just waiting for Justin to release a new song, so we know for sure that the wedding is done and dusted. Meanwhile, we’ll all be left to closely examine what combination of rings Hailey is wearing in her paparazzi photos. I would pretend that this sounds boring and stupid, but honestly I can’t get enough of all of these wild celebrity relationship stories. Summer ’18, keep ’em coming.
Images: @hlybaldwin / Instagram (2); Giphy