If the red carpet segment of the Academy Awards got its own spin-off show with even more paparazzi and less Ryan Seacrest commentary, it would be the Met Gala. The Met Gala, thrown at the Met in New York (obviously), is the one time of year where every A-list guest can act like they give a shit about Anna Wintour and no one can say anything about it. A-List celebs are always invited, but along with your Rihannas and your Kardashians and your Beyoncés (conspicuously absent this year, actually) some people get through Met security that are just so fucking random. Every year there’s bound to be at least one Met Gala guest who shows up tragically underdressed and whom you have to stare at for like, five full minutes before you say, “Wait is that Glen Coco?” Here’s the definitive ranking of the most random guests that somehow made the cut this year:
8. Paris Jackson
People keep telling me that Paris Jackson is an actress and a model, but I’ve yet to see any evidence of this. Does being Michael Jackson’s daughter just mean you’re an actress? What roles has she played? Her IMDB literally has one entry, and it is for a show that has yet to be released that I’ve never heard of called Star, and she is not even the star. I feel like that’s the equivalent of writing “entrepreneur” on your resume when you’re really just unemployed. Is this person famous? Apparently she did one campaign for Chanel in March, but like, if that’s the standard for getting into the Met Gala shouldn’t every ANTM winner also be present?
7. Courtney Love
Hard to imagine someone less suited for a classy A-List event than Courtney Love, but here we are. Love got to hitch a ride to the Met Gala on the coattails of her daughter, Frances Bean (name brought to you by heroin addiction), who is apparently modeling for Marc Jacobs now. Honestly, I’m kind of happy Courtney was there, if only as a reminder that she is still alive. I mean, her face looks like she’s been stung by a thousand bees, but she walked the red carpet and kissed her daughter on the mouth and stuff so she appears to be in good spirits. Funny how she could never score an invite to the gala when she was like, relevant.
6. Solange Knowles
A BIT confused why Solange attended this event sans Beyoncé. Look, Solange is cool and all. “Don’t Touch My Hair” is a good song. “Cranes In The Sky” WAS a good song before every radio station stabbed it to death and then stomped over its corpse, burned it, and smoked the ashes. Anyway, Solange had a cool wedding where she wore a cool white cape thing. It was funny when she punched Jay Z in the elevator, and after Lemonade it’s even more so. But when I’m sitting at home
waiting hoping for a doubly pregnant Beyoncé to get carried in by a hoard of male models while angels surround her, having to watch Solange walk the red carpet in her Old Navy winter coat just feels rude.
5. Hailee Steinfeld
Ugh, WHO let this girl in the door? I mean, she stepped up her game at Coachella the other weekend by managing not to look like a 13-year-old playing dress-up, but we’re still kinda confused as to what the hype is with this girl. We get that she was nominated for an Oscar, but that was seven years ago. And she didn’t even win. Is it her voice? Because if I hear another “Starving” mash-up come on in the middle of a SoulCycle class I’ll literally leave, my $34 be damned.
4. Ansel Elgort
Oh great, Augustus Waters is here for a little TBT action. Seriously, this guy totally blew up when Fault in Our Stars came out a couple years ago, but then everyone forgot about him, so why did he get invited to this event? Like, yeah he’s good-looking, but is that all you need for a Met Gala invite these days? Does Anna Wintour even know who you are? Seriously. Raise your hand if you didn’t quite remember who this was until I said he was in Fault In Our Stars. Be honest.
3. Megyn Kelly
Megyn Kelly might be a major boss in terms of TV journalists, but let’s be real—she doesn’t even go here. The Met Gala’s guest is probably divided into 40 percent Hollywood actors, 30 percent singers, 20 percent models, and then like, 10 percent “others,” and Megyn def went in the last category. Maybe she wants to get more screen time to help her go to war against Kelly Ripa? Either way, this dress looks like she got it from Sears.
2. Jaden Smith
Oh no, NOT Jaden Smith. Can we stop trying to make the Smith children happen, please? This is the kid who said “How can mirrors be real if our eyes aren’t real.” How long are we going to continue to enable this child? Like, yes he’s family friends with Kendall and Kylie but Kendall and Kylie at least know how to behave (kind of). This kid brought his own human hair with him as an accessory. Dude shows up with a literal bouquet of his own dreadlocks and we’re just gonna be like, “Sure, keep being famous! you’re doing great!” No. We should have shut this shit down when he wore a white Batman suit to Kim and Kanye’s wedding. Now we have to live with the consequences.
1. The Winklevoss Twins
Cameron and Tyler Winklevoss are those twins from The Social Network who say the word Harvard six times per sentence and are still super bitter about Zuckerberg “stealing” their idea. Only, the twins at the Met Gala were the real Winklevi and not even the cleverly edited ones played by Armie Hammer, so we’re doubly confused. I mean, where do we even start with this invite? Did they just send in an envelope of cash and threaten to sue if they didn’t get invited? Plus, why do they even want to be there? For a selfie with Karlie Kloss?
The most important Instagram event of the year is finally here. I’m obviously talking about Coachella, the music festival that has practically just become a contest to see who can walk around the desert in 100 degree weather with the most shit glued to their head before they pass out. Coachella fashion is a tricky thing, because you’re pretty much required to wear as little clothing as possible, but also be really trendy, but also wear something that nobody else has ever worn before. Like buying an unlimited pass to a 6am spin class, dressing for Coachella is almost always just setting yourself up for failure. Of course there are always a few geniuses who actually get it right, so let’s take a moment to celebrate them and then shit on the people who clearly shopped for their outfits while blindfolded in the clearance section of Forever 21.
RiRi Is the best dressed wherever she goes, so this is literally the most unsurprising news of all time. This betch took the basic ripped shorts and tank top Coachella look but made it iconic. It’s funny that we all ripped on Justin Bobby for wearing combat boots to the beach on The Hills, but now that homegirl wore a full crystal Gucci bodysuit to the damn desert, everyone’s so down. Times change, I guess.
I saw Hailey Baldwin wearing army pants and a beaded bra thing, so I wore army pants and a beaded bra thing.
I’ll let the picstitch slide because this outfit is so good. Last year, matching shorts and crop top sets were a huge Coachella trend. This year, Hailee gave zero Fs, skipped the pants, and redefined matching set to mean a giant T-shirt and coordinating thigh-high boots.
You know when you’re getting dressed to go out, and sweatpants are all that fit you right now, so you actually genuinely consider it for a second? Well, Justine Skye literally did that at Coachella. Except, they’re holographic sweats with a body chain and a crop top, which I wouldn’t generally advise for anyone on an all carb diet—but for Justine, it’s working.
I never thought I’d miss the days when Katy Perry glued cupcakes to her tits, but here we are. She looks like she got locked out of a Macy’s dressing room while trying on a maid of honor dress after a Zumba class.
Selena usually slays, but apparently, she’s caught a bad case of “I just got a new boyfriend so now I’m going to dress like shit because I’m happy.” So boring. Just because Coachella happened during Easter doesn’t mean she can wear an outfit from the Sears Easter sale.
Paris Hilton wore a flower crown to Coachella. That’s social suicide. But I mean, I guess that’s what happens when you’re 36 and fucking clueless but trying to stay relevant. It’s kind of like those girls who were a few years older than you in high school and now post selfies from weird angles with the InstaSize watermark in the corner. It’s so sad to see someone who was once popular with great hair have such a tragic downfall. Oh well.
Kendall looks like she should be complaining about menopause over a pitcher of sangria with Samantha Jones in the first Sex and the City movie. This outfit just doesn’t look like it belongs at a festival where everyone else is like, dropping acid and wearing ripped fishnets and glitter.
Need to recover from Coachella? Read our tips here!
Ah, my favorite time of year is finally here: The Oscars aka The Plastics of awards seasons and a day celebs spend starving themselves and holding their makeup artists hostage for 23 hours straight. Coincidentally, it’s also a day I spend 23 hours straight in yoga pants and building a cheese plate for my viewing party. I guess we all have our crosses to bear.
This year was the year of Meh: a lot of gold dresses, red lips, and the palest people I’ve seen outside of Brooklyn. No one’s look was as fucked up as the announcement for Best Picture, but there were definitely a few losers I’ll be shaming for their awards looks. But before we get into that let’s talk about the looks that stole my breath and my motivation to get up in the morning:
Taraji P Henson
Cookie Lyon slayed at the Oscars this season. The tousled lob, the smoky eyes, the cheekbones you can probably see from those seven new planets NASA just pulled out of their asses—it’s all working.
Somewhere on sorority row Chanel Oberlin is internally screaming because Number 5 fucked up her dye job AGAIN. At first I couldn’t decide if the orange hair made her look like a sad clown, but after s
everal glasses of wine taking a deeper look I’ve decided it’s working for her. The red lips, the glam waves, those stunning drop earrings, she looks like a vampy Jessica Rabbit and I’m about it.
If only my life was as put together as those eyebrows. *Pours another glass of wine*
Ah, the cat eye aka the go-to look for people with resting bitch face who want to blame their side-eye and judgemental gaze on makeup. Tbh I forgot this betch even existed until she showed up to the awards ceremony dressed like a goddamn Oscar herself. Not really sure what’s happening with her hair, but also not really sure I care because her cat eye is making my year rn.
Let me just start by saying I was rooting for you Halle, we were all rooting for you. Normally you look like an ageless goddess, but this year I just have so many questions. Like, what are you hiding in that hair? Secrets? Your career? Also which second-row actor do we think drew the short straw and ended up sitting behind this hair?
So, like, I know this guy won an Oscar and everything but is he, like, okay? That scraggly-ass beard makes him look like a street person and those eyes say “I have seen the inside of way too many courtrooms.”
Real talk though, my favorite part of the evening was during his red carpet interview when the interviewer straight-up asked him why he looked homeless and he casually blamed it on a “movie” he’s working on. Lol K.
Interviewer: So… how are you?
Casey Affleck: I HAVE TO LOOK LIKE THIS BECAUSE OF A MOVIE
This is like when I showed up to Thanksgiving dressed like an Orthodox Jew in an attempt to hide the fact that I blacked out and had a one-night stand the night before and almost didn’t wake up in time for dinner. Dakota, it doesn’t matter how boring you make your hair and makeup look, we all still know what your nipples look like.
Read our full Oscars 2017 recap here!