Well betches, we made it to another freaking weekend. I know you’re ready to get on with it, so we’ll keep this short and sweet. For all signs, things are looking better and definitely more fun by Sunday; you just have to make it out from under Friday’s full moon alive.
Aries
Quit plotting your moves
All good things happen in time
Better live for now
Taurus
Emotions run wild
under the light of the moon
Set good boundaries
Gemini
All work, no play sucks
Pour yourself a big ass glass
Wine or gin will do
Cancer
Connections grow strong
True betches stay by your side
Romance is in store
Leo
Get your shit finished
Enter the weekend stress free
Make some weird choices
Virgo
Life’s ripe on the vine
no, wait, maybe that just wine
Do not drunk Snapchat
Libra
Focus on your game
The finish line is in sight
Booze is a reward
Scorpio
The sun is leaving
You have through the weekend
Your sign can still shine
Sagittarius
Keep your plans on lock
No one needs to know what’s up
Mystery is hot
Capricorn
Get your party on
Life will stay busy for you
Do something you love
Aquarius
Remember your keys
Full Moons can make you forget
Spend time with your tribe
Pisces
Seek some good advice
Use caution, be positive
Do not text him first
Welcome to the Betch Poets Society. Kidding. But for this weekend’s horoscopes we’re going to switch it up a little—class it up if you will—with some haikus. *snaps* Why haikus? IDK, but go with it. It’s #cultured. For those who didn’t make haikus in grade school, haiku is a form of Japanese poetry with poems consisting of three lines. The first and last lines have five syllables and the middle one has seven. So much can be said in three lines. Try it. Text your girls, “Read your horoscope / To find out if you should rage / Or stay home and sleep.” Done. That wasn’t hard. Why did I go to college again?
Aries
Taurus
Gemini
Cancer
Leo
Virgo
Libra
Scorpio
Sagittarius
Capricorn
Aquarius
Pisces
Your patience for life, politics, and Taylor Swift is likely running short this week, so your weekend horoscopes are here to make things easy on you. Here’s some chic haikus to guide you through the next couple of days. What can we say? The eclipse energy is still around and we feel like trying new things.
Aries
People are the worst.
Do avoid them at all costs.
Netflix will save you.
Taurus
Poverty is real.
You will know it soon enough.
Stop using Postmates.
Gemini
It’s been a dry month.
Your bed is the Sahara.
Go get that dick, girl.
Cancer
Friends may come and go.
Chic-ass clothes are evergreen.
Splurge your cold heart out.
Leo
Sticks and stones may break
Your bones but vodka mends all.
Pour it up. Fall out.
Virgo
Happy Birthday, betch.
May your month be glorious
As the rest of you.
Libra
Reunion’s in sight.
Nostalgia is a liar.
He is not that hot.
Scorpio
Your rage knows no bounds.
Make sure everyone knows it.
One word: Dracarys.
Sagittarius
The eclipse is done.
Please throw away your glasses.
You tragic pack rat.
Capricorn
Sometimes you are kind.
Sometimes you’re a heinous bitch.
You can’t win them all.
Aquarius
Honesty is key
To all failed relationships.
Bury that baggage.
Pisces
You are almost there.
Your struggle will be worth it.
Just keep on swimming.
