A Rundown Of Arie And Lauren’s Wedding In Maui

This past weekend, The Bachelor‘s Arie Luyendyk Jr. and Lauren Burnham got married. (Really thought I’d never have to spell “Luyendyk” again. Pretty mad that I do.) While some fans are annoyed that the wedding wasn’t aired on live TV, I’m sort of grateful we were spared a six-hour episode of The Bachelor on Monday night. (My liver couldn’t handle it.) And luckily, an anonymous source gave PEOPLE all the details of their wedding. So I, personally, feel like I was there and intend to judge the whole affair as though I was.

The Ceremony

We already knew they were getting married in Maui, at an old “processing factory for sugarcane” (according to Wikipedia) called Haiku Mill. If they did not write their vows in haikus, I will be simultaneously relieved and very disappointed. (“Once I met Lauren / I was like, ‘nah, Becca K’ / Then I changed my mind”.) An old processing factory doesn’t sound the most romantic, but pictures of the venue are actually pretty stunning. Very real-life fairytale, which, if Lauren’s Instagram captions are any indication, is exactly what she’s going for.

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Fairytales do come true????‍♂️. . . . . . ???? @nvmauimedia

A post shared by Lauren Luyendyk (@laureneburnham) on

PEOPLE’s coverage continues by reminding me that Arie and Lauren have a 10-year age difference, and that they only got engaged 10 months ago. (Ten. Months. Doesn’t it feel like a f*cking decade has passed?) As for the ceremony itself, PEOPLE reports that they “wrote their own vows,” and both “got choked up.” Arie’s grandparents acted as ring bearer and flower girl, which is actually pretty f*cking cute. As is PEOPLE noting that they got the “biggest laughs,” and that the grandma “really connected with everyone.” Hey, maybe his grandma can be the next Bachelorette! I’d tune in as long as they promise Arie won’t be on it.

In terms of visuals to judge, only Bachelor producer Megan Firestone dared to break what I’m sure was an ironclad no social media rule. Her post has sadly since been deleted (and she may or may not be holed up in an ABC torture chamber as we speak), but I can tell you that Lauren looks like a princess (the hair!!), and Arie and Lauren look very happy. The only suspicious things about this picture are how well-lit it is when every candid of me at a party looks like I just crawled out of the underworld how extremely not pregnant she looks. Whatever Fit Tea she’s drinking, I want it. Thankfully, we do have one Instagram of the wedding, courtesy of Rachael Wolfner, who is doing the lord’s work.

 

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Here’s to love and the Luyendyks! ???? Last night was so magical! Congrats @laureneburnham & @ariejr!

A post shared by Rachael Wolfner (@rachaelwolfner) on

Finally, no coverage of Arie and Lauren’s wedding would be complete if we didn’t discuss the most-cherished guest: Baby Girl Luyendyk (Jr.??) As we already knew, Arie and Lauren are expecting a baby. But if you didn’t follow their baby’s Instagram (I hate me too), you might not have known that they are expecting a baby girl! I’ll be accepting a running list of baby name guesses in the comments.

Other useful tidbits included on this Instagram include regular updates on the baby’s size (fig! plum! taco!) and cheeky details about Lauren’s personal life, like how she’s learning Dutch and plays Mozart for her baby. It feels totally weird to be making fun of someone who looks better six months pregnant than I do now, but come on. She’s writing full paragraphs in the voice of a fetus and it’s hilarious.

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Aloha friends! Today I’m 19 weeks old and the size of a mango ???? (how fitting right?) I’m so happy you all know that I’m a girl! It was such a fun week telling the world and now Mom and Dad can finally start buying me clothes 🙂 So this week a lot of stuff is going on in here. My body is covered by vernix which feels like swimming in cream cheese… weird I know but it’s good for my skin. Working on my glow for my grand appearance. I’m also growing my first little hairs on my head Mom and Dad both are picturing me blonde but you never know! Well gotta run, Mom and Dad are getting married this week and it’s hard to type with Mom moving around so much!

A post shared by Baby Luyendyk???? (@babyluyendyk) on

Here’s hoping the wedding went off without a hitch, that the couple whispers “I love that” to each other into old age, and that they have a happy, healthy blond baby! I draw the line, however, at watching a Baby Luyendyk spin-off.

Images: Giphy; People; Instagram; Instagram

Here Are Your Weekend Horoscopes For October 13-15th

Welcome to the Betch Poets Society. Kidding. But for this weekend’s horoscopes we’re going to switch it up a little—class it up if you will—with some haikus. *snaps* Why haikus? IDK, but go with it. It’s #cultured. For those who didn’t make haikus in grade school, haiku is a form of Japanese poetry with poems consisting of three lines. The first and last lines have five syllables and the middle one has seven. So much can be said in three lines. Try it. Text your girls, “Read your horoscope / To find out if you should rage / Or stay home and sleep.” Done. That wasn’t hard. Why did I go to college again?

Aries

Sometimes I look at 
Aries and think why. Just why
Do you do these things.

Office

Taurus

The life of a bull
Can be tedious at times.
Start shaking shit up.

Gemini

Time to make the leap
It’s do or die, Gemini.
Don’t be a pussy.

Beyonce

Cancer

Loving a Cancer
Is like trying to hug air:
You look fucking dumb.

Leo

You know what sucks, dude?
Your general attitude.
Lighten up, my guy.

Kanye

Virgo

Things to remember:
No one cares about your job.
Find a new topic.

Libra

You’re a free spirit.
We get it. You just love drugs.
Do them quietly.

Chelsea Handler Acid

Scorpio

Do you ever feel
Like a monumental dick?
Maybe you should start.

Sagittarius

We are on a rock
Flying towards absolute doom.
Eat the fucking cake.

Tina Fey Cake

Capricorn

It’s time to let loose.
Get that stick out of your ass.
Let that freak flag fly.

Aquarius 

Let’s try something new,
Try being calm for one day.
For the love of God.

Pisces

Wow, you are a mess.
Even strangers are concerned.
Love yourself, Pisces.