We know your dirty, disgusting, secret. Despite sleeping, touching, wiping, or wearing these things just about every day, you seldom wash them. Don’t deny it. We’re talking about your pajamas, your lounge pants, your sheets, and your towels. Be honest—when was the last time you stripped your bed and hardcore cleaned everything on it? If you say last week, you’re lying. It’s time to admit your faults, betch. To help combat these dirty habits, here’s a guide as to how often you should be washing those seldom cleaned items. Get your shit together and stop being dirty. What would your mother say if she knew you lived like this?
Every time you pop out of the shower, you use a fucking towel. Yah, you may be clean, but think about all the dead skin that towel is sloughing off; hair product it’s soaking up; soap and shit it’s cleaning off … that’s hella gross. According to the Huffinton Post, towels need to be washed every three to four uses. I mean, they’re probably getting mildewed and smelly anyway at that point. Also, if you’ve washed the towel multiple times and it still smells moldy or old, time to throw that shit away. For hand and dish towels, you need to be washing much more fucking often—like, every other day. Yikes.
Once per fucking week. Yes, really. Although it’s totally fucking time-consuming and now you have to remake the bed and omfg this is the worst, there’s a huge buildup of sweat, skin (yes, really), dust, and other disgusting shit all up in yo sheets. And that’s just when you sleep—I’m not even going to get into your sex life because that’s a whole Pandora’s box I’m not trying to open rn. Use hot water and a hot dry cycle to just fucking kill all the germs. Oh, and use bleach. According to Men’s Health, you need to think of your sheets as clothes that you literally wear for eight hours every fucking night.
Okay, honestly, these follow the same rules as your clothes (not jeans, cause we know those never get dirty). Pajamas should be washed every other day or so. I mean, why else would you have seven pairs of comfy pants? Because you fucking need them when the other shit is dirty, that’s why. Like, think about how often you wake up in a cold sweat. And now think about how many times you’ve put those same pajamas back on the next night without second thought. YA NASTY.
According to CNN, bed pillows can host up to 16 species of fungi, which, honestly, is fucking disgusting. Use a gentle cycle, hot water, and your fav super expensive detergent and wash those pillows at least every three months. You may even want to put them through the rinse cycle twice. To dry, add two clean tennis balls to the dryer and set on low. And we’re talking about your actual pillows—not the pillowcase, which you should wash at least once a week, especially if you have bad skin. The more you know… the more you hate your life and the amount of laundry you have to do.
You probs wear it every day, so stop going weeks without washing it. You should be washing your bras every three to four days so, like, at least once per week. I’ll let that sink in. Now look at your life, look at your choices. Also, fun fact—the elastic needs time to reset itself, so try not to wear the same bra day in and day out unless you want some saggy titties.
Okay yes, jeans never get dirty according to, like, everyone. But actually, they do. You need to be washing your jeans every four or five wears, according to WhoWhatWear. Honestly, you don’t want to wash much more than that because you’ll make the denim weird and then you’ll, in turn, look fucking weird. Also, always wash them in cold water, because obviously.
7. Bathroom Rugs
We’re talking the easy, pick-them-up-and-throw-them-in-the-wash versions probs down on your bathroom floor right now. Seriously, how often do you pick those up and wash them? According to the Huffington Post, these need to be thrown in the hot cycle every one or two weeks. P.S., you can also throw that plastic bath mat with the suction cups that sits on the inside of your tub in the washing machine, too. Just don’t throw it in the fucking dryer because, obviously, melted plastic is a no-no.
So now you have no more excuses to be fucking disgusting. Embrace your inner domestic betch and clean your shit, seriously.
It’s not chic to talk about money if you have money, but it’s also very unbetchy to get ripped off. You’re so lucky you have us, because we did the research on things you’re overpaying for. I know, we’re such a good friend. Like, did you know that when you buy tampons you have to pay a luxury tax on top of regular sales tax? As in, using a tampon is like a luxury. Yes, we know we’re so blessed to not be pregnant every month, but calling tampons a luxury is a stretch. Not to mention, at like $8 a box for the non-shitty cardboard kind, tampons are already priced as a luxury so what gives? Anyway, here’s the top five ways the fuckboys of big businesses are ripping you off. Just because you hate doing work doesn’t mean you don’t deserve to keep all the money you didn’t work (that hard) for, so hang on to your cash and stop overpaying for shit.
Remember when Venus first came out and we were all singing the catchy song from the commercial? Those bright pink and blue razors were so pretty we didn’t even notice that we were being charged more for razors than men that literally do the same shit. Literally we are paying for pretty colors. Like the nickname for it is “the pink tax”. Female razor costs a few dollars more than men’s almost always, and the only difference is the way it’s marketed. LITERALLY. Don’t let that “soap strip” or whatever the fuck fool you—your sparkly pink razor is not getting you a better shave. In fact, most men’s razors work better, because they’re designed to get rid of bros’ hair and bros just have thicker hair. So even though it might feel like you’re showering at a frat house, you should buy a man’s razor and stop paying more for a shitty pink one. And honestly, any fuckboy who sees a men’s razor in your shower is bound to get jealous thinking you’ve got another guy in your life, and this will make him try harder. So it’s a win for you, your wallet, and your legs. I see no downside here.
This one kills us too. Saving up for your first Kelly Bag was a rite of passage, like getting your period or dating your first older bro. But the truth is, even with the nicest leather and hand-stitching or whatever, you’re still paying way too much for handbags. Just the idea of having dozens of bags because you can’t wear the same one everyday is something that bros don’t even have to worry about. They literally put their shit in pockets, which we could do if we weren’t so skinny that pockets don’t work for us. But even though our figures are too tight for storing keys, wallet, phone, we could potentially still own considerably less purses than we do. According to this bro blog, a genuine leather bag on the high end costs $100-$150. Which we laugh at because that wouldn’t even buy a clutch at an accessible brand like… ugh, Coach. Anyway, you’re paying too much for bags. Like you could own several cars if you stopped buying bags. But you’re not going to, obvs, and we totally understand.
3. Dry Cleaners
Your dry cleaner charges more for betches than bros. Like if you bring the exact same shirt to a dry cleaners but one is a female version and one is a male, the female one will cost twice or even three times more. Dry cleaning companies claim that it’s because the female shirts don’t fit in their machines, but the truth is women will pay the higher price for clothing care and men won’t. And everyone is sexist and the world is a terrible place, bye. It goes even deeper than cleaning clothes, though. Men’s clothes are priced lower than women’s in general. Plus we shop way more than men so we’re buying at least twice as much shit on a regular basis. Ugh, we feel used. At least female models make way more than male models, so we get a win there. Maybe try having your boyfriend drop off your dry cleaning and see if they charge you less. IDK.
If you’re a betch that procrastinates as most of us do, you probably end up paying more for your airline tickets because you book them closer to when you need them. If you really want to get a good deal on airline tickets, you need to set flight deal alerts on websites that do that, so someone tells you when the flight you want to your destination is lowest. Like, you can get round trip tickets from LA to New York for under $300 but you have to know when to look for them. Some websites say the best time to buy a plane ticket is 57 days out from your trip, which seems a little close but I’ll trust it. And forget everything you heard about the best day of the week to buy plane tickets being Tuesday—it’s actually Sunday, so you can quit trolling Kayak at work. Or you can just try booking your flight through United—if you’re down with being assaulted we bet you could probably get a really good deal right now.
1. Everything At Whole Foods
Whole Foods is basically a day club if you think about it. There might not be a doorman letting people in, but if you’re not wearing the right clothes (aka like you just came from yoga or SoulCylce), you’ll still feel out of place. Bananas at Whole Foods cost an average of 99 cents a pound, while they cost 70-80 cents everywhere else. Essentially, you’re paying way too fucking much for everything at Whole Foods. Like, a lot of the shit they have there is the same supplier as other grocery stores in the neighborhood, so you’re literally just paying more to be able to tell people you’re bougie af with your groceries. If you want fresh fruit and vegetables without spending half your
alcohol budget paycheck, go to the farmer’s market or literally anywhere else.
While this weekend has come and gone—everybody knows Sunday is not a real day of the week since you spend 90% of the day horizontal—there’s always next weekend to make up for your mistakes. You may have ended the weekend face-down in a plate of nachos (shame on you), so now you have a full week to undo all the damage you did to your body over the past 48 hours so you can fit into that deep-V onesie you bought from Tobi. Read below for how to appear skinny in a time crunch.
1. Lose The Salt
If you feel bloated AF right now, eating anything with a ton of salt will only make that bloating worse. When your body takes in sodium, extra water gets stored in your stomach and face, and you’ll feel puffier and grosser than usual. Do yourself a favor and skip the added salt this week. The soy sauce will still be there next week once people have already commented on how skinny your face looks.
2. Catch Up On Sleep
It’s easy to stay up super late cracked out on
Adderall good vibes, but even though the drugs vibes may suppress your appetite, the lack of sleep is making you (appear) fat. This week, try to get at least eight hours of sleep a night. What, like it’s hard. It’s been proven that more sleep is healthier for you. It boosts fat loss, encourages your body to crave healthier foods, and prevents late-night carb snacking. Get the fuck to bed—as if we really have to tell you twice.
3. Chug Water
All of that shit you’ve been eating has been making you bloated and has probably made you break out, so this week, make water your best friend. I don’t care if you have to be known as that girl that walks around with a 1 Liter SmartWater all day. Drinking a ton of water will help de-bloat you, keep you full in between meals, and clear up your skin. If you’re peeing every five minutes, you’re doing something right.
4. Eat Small Meals Regularly
There’s no real evidence that eating three big meals or six small meals is the better way to lose weight, but when it comes to portion control, eating smaller regular meals will be a game changer. For the next few days, try to eat a small snack or meal every few hours. This way, you won’t be starving and eat the entire buffet when it’s presented to you. Try to chew slowly and savor every bite, just because like, healthy people do that. And also because nobody wants to watch you gobble down chicken wings like you’re Honey Boo Boo’s mom.
5. Fucking Sweat
You can try every diet in the book, but nothing will make your body more ready for the weekend than a good sweat sesh. Sorry if you just got a blowout, but it’s time to hit the gym and sweat out all that wine and cake. You’ve basically been eating like you’re carboloading for a marathon anyway, so put the food to good use and sweat it out. I don’t care if all the SoulCycle bikes in your city are booked. I don’t care if your gym membership is expired. Outside is free, and you have legs. Use them.
You take your makeup off before bed (usually, unless you are suuuuppppper fucked up), you moisturize, you understand the importance of masks and facials, but even with all of that, you’re probably still doing dumb shit to your poor skin. The problem is that you don’t know what kind of heinous acts you are committing against your visage. Thankfully, now’s the time to get out of your bad skin rut by paying attention to all the ways you’ve been fucking everything up. See below.
1. You’re Eating Too Much Sugar
It’s common knowledge that what you eat affects your body, which affects your skin. But sugar, specifically, has a nasty way of fucking with you. Overconsumption of your second favorite white powder substance leads to a breakdown of collagen, which leads to premature aging and saggy skin.
2. You’re Not Wearing SPF All Year Long
IDGAF if the temperature makes your hands feel like they are about to fall off, if the sun’s out (and even if it’s not tbh), it’s still harming your skin. Put SPF 50 or higher on anytime you are going to be outside. Yes, even if it’s cloudy. And if you are out there longer than an hour, you have to reapply. Try a setting spray with SPF (like this one from Goop) so you can easily reapply throughout the day.
3. You’re Not Sleeping Enough
Life can be a real motherfucker. Meaning, it doesn’t allow you to get any sleep. Most of the time there’s nothing you can do, but if you find yourself not being able to fall asleep before bed, try shutting down your electronics and phone 30 minutes prior (artificial light before bed interferes with the production of sleep hormones). Pick up a fucking book or something instead.
4. You’re Sleeping On Your Side
Sleeping on your side or stomach causes your skin to wrinkle in places it shouldn’t. Consider getting a silk pillow, or make a conscious effort to fall asleep on your back instead.
5. You’re Popping Pimples Yourself
When you get a zit, put some salicylic acid on it and then leave it the fuck alone. If it’s big and red, you can ice it for the swelling to go down. But, as for popping it and picking at it, you’ll just end up making the problem worse, so don’t.
6. You Never Clean Your iPhone
That shit is a breeding ground for bacteria. If it’s by/on your face, or if you touch it and then touch your face, consider yourself also a breeding ground for bacteria.
7. You’re Too Stressed Out
I’m sure everyone’s told you this based on your demeanor and high-pitched voice, but you need to fucking relax. If that means going to yoga, fine. If that means popping a Xanax and taking a long shower, also fine. If you can’t do it for your heart palpitations, at least do it for your skin.