Hi everyone! I’m a straight guy who’s probably a lot like the guy you’re texting/hooking up with. The Betches have asked me to break down things openly and honestly so you don’t have to have that guy lie to your face. I’ve broken down The Bachelorette contestants, dating apps, and one piece bathing suits. So grab that phone, go take a poop (don’t worry, I won’t tell) and enjoy The Betches’ next question of the male mind…
We want to see what guys think of a girl based on her job title. Like, if you were on a first date and he asked what you do for a living—that kind of situation. Are guys intimidated by successful women (too bad)? Do certain jobs carry a connotation we’re not aware of?
This is one of those questions that’ll prompt a tweet or DM from a younger girl saying, “What does it matter what a guy thinks!? YES ALL WOMEN! IF YOU CAN’T DEAL WITH OUR CAREERS THEN YOU HAVE A SMALL PENIS!!!” And part of that is true. I’m sure there are guys who are intimidated by a job title or a woman’s success in comparison to their own and I’d say that’s probably more their own issue with themselves (penis size) and not women in general. But to say we all don’t judge every guy or girl by the job title on their Bumble profile is absolutely crazy. When you see “finance,” you’re going to have a very specific first reaction. You’re going to remember Wolf of Wall Street that other finance guy you dated and how he was this and that and judge the next guy by that memory. All of those emotional reactions are normal. So remember, this is my first thought based on having dated multiple girls with these careers and that doesn’t mean you’re exactly like them but it means this is what most guys think at first glance.
Also (kind of a side note), I love when a woman has a successful career. I’m not just saying that to let you know that my penis is huge, but you can DM me on Instagram (@jaredfreid) to discuss women with great careers. Just putting that out there about strong, independent women. Love a good discussion.
PR/Fashion/Advertising
All of these jobs are in the same category because no person on earth has ever been as busy as a girl who works in PR/fashion/advertising. Literally not one person. There are surgeons who will respond to a question about work with a simple, “Things are good.” Ask one of these girls about work and you’re about to get a response that sounds like they just came running from a burning house and they’re trying to wrangle up the fire department. And don’t get them started about Upfronts or Fashion Week (which might be 51 weeks a year) or Chihuahua Week (or whatever thing she does PR for) because they’ll actually faint onto a couch mid-explanation. If you’re going to date these girls, just get ready to feel like you literally do nothing in comparison.
Law
If they’re in law school then you can add them to the PR/Fashion/Advertising group. Nobody has ever complained more about being busy than a law school student. You’d think they wouldn’t complain so much since they bailed from the real world of no grades or affirmation to get back into that cuddly, “Go to class, study the material, get the grade you deserve, repeat,” blanket.
When I date a girl who works in law I’m just going to assume there will be a lot of random “law school friends” that I’m going to have to meet along the way. They’ll be mostly guys and the explanation of their friendship will always be a little too vague to have not been romantic at some point. You’ll have to come to terms with “He’s just my law school friend” being a guy who once DMed her about studying to try and bang and then just settled for the reliable study buddy option.
Medicine (Doctor, Nurse, etc.)
We assume that you’re literally the smartest person we’ve ever met and you can answer any question we’d ever have about our body AND you’re not grossed out by much. So we figure that you’re willing and able to explore regions of our bodies that we had no idea could make us climax.
Finance
It’s almost like you’re dating a really competitive guy from your fraternity. She’s going to be really pumped for happy hours and then wake up the next day as if multiple shots never happened. She’s going to take you to a group fitness class and do everything way better than you ever could. She’ll have relationships with men that seem almost so asexual that they’re sexual. Calling other guys pussies and referencing how they puked during their first year “like a bitch.” It’s all really hot and not at the same time and there’s a moment where you wonder if she’s training you for a decathlon.
Teaching
When you’re a teacher we have to become an actor because you’re going to tell us stories about kids we really don’t care about while looking like we’re interested. I’m sure these are great kids, but they aren’t our kids, and in a year you’re going to have a whole new group that produces the same stories that we are going to have to, again, look like we care about.
Event Planning
You’re a really tough person to take on a date. Her job is basically planning dates with a budget a company can afford. So if you try to go bowling, she ends up comparing it to her bowling events where they had acrobats and free blowjobs in the bathroom. Dating her is like dating a Bachelor contestant right after she got to the final four. She just took a helicopter around the Hawaiian volcanoes so your move of sharing a bottle of wine and picking up the tab isn’t exactly glamorous.
HR
The thing about HR people is that they change jobs a lot and they have to hear about everyone at the office’s problems. So guess what? So are you. Every day will be a new LinkedIn story or update as well as a new complaint about Kathy’s complaint. It’s a lot like the teacher, except nobody in the story is cute and you get to hear what type of animals men act like in the workplace.
Writing/Art/Acting/Modeling
I’m a comedian (please follow me on Instagram; “likes” are the only thing that keep me going. I have nothing. @jaredfreid). So the reason I swipe left on any headshot is the same reason I’d swipe left on myself—you’re going to have to go to shit. Like, annoying shit. Like a show that’s in a bar with five people. Then you’re going to have to look this person in the eyes who takes this thing super seriously and try to understand the five year outlook when you really can’t imagine it. You’re going to have to lie about how “It was great!” And you’re going to have to wonder if this person will one day be your financial burden. Other than that, they’re going to be really dramatic and they won’t care about being really dramatic in public.
So, yeah. That’s what we think. Have fun dating!
Hi everyone! I’m a straight guy who’s probably a lot like the guy you’re texting/hooking up with. The Betches have asked me to break down things openly and honestly so you don’t have to have that guy lie to your face. I’ve broken down The Bachelorette contestants. And dating apps so grab that phone, go take a poop (don’t worry, I won’t tell) and enjoy The Betches’ next question of the male mind…
What do guys think of one piece bathing suits? We feel like there are a lot of varieties to choose from/elaborate on (especially the basic Sunny Co Clothing one). Thoughts?
We love the one piece because it’s a TBT for our penis. You look like a 1920s pinup. It’s like getting in a time machine and being able to talk to a girl after we get home from defeating the Japanese. And during times like these, where there’s less opportunities to feel “manly,” the chance to maybe have sex with a Marilyn Monroe lookalike while draped in the American flag doesn’t sound half bad.
But it honestly goes a little deeper than that. The two piece was great for its time. Before the internet seeing a girl in a two piece was a big deal. You could get the idea of her naked without having to ask her dad for her hand in marriage. Hell, we used to have something called “The Spank Bank” where we would store all of our memories of girls in two piece bathing suits and then we’d go masturbate with our eyes closed. Today, it’s a different ball game. There’s naked women all over the internet. There’s Instagram models in every size, shape, and color. So seeing you almost naked and then imagining it later isn’t really necessary. The one piece actually accentuates the body in a way the two piece can’t. There could be a lower cut top or a higher waisted bottom that could literally make you look like the hourglass that every penis is naturally fond of because of that whole buzzkill called childbirth. But ya, the one piece is having its time and it’s because, again, all guys are disgusting animals. So let’s break down the types:
1. The Basic Sunny Co Clothing One
So, this is the one piece that went viral over Instagram and annoyed everyone and made you lose followers and almost ruined your life because you’re used to getting over 50 likes and now it’s hovering around 40 and you can’t complain to your dad because he’d wonder why he paid for college. Ya… it’s that one piece.
As for what guys think? Well the front is fine but I’ve never had a guy nudge me over this cut of suit. That’s really the guy test—would my buddy nudge me because I’d have to see? And for this one, the only way I’d get nudged is if a girl was sitting by the pool with her back facing me like the viral picture. The low cut on the back is intriguing but really only from THAT specific angle. Whoever started that viral campaign is like a Jedi-level boner whisperer.
So it’s nice but really no movement for guys either way unless you sit in one spot at the pool in a specific pose the whole day. Not exactly a stretch for a gender that rips hair from their genitals, but still.
2. The Graphic Slogan One Piece
Ok, we love these suits. I actually just looked at a girl on Instagram wearing this exact suit and sent the link to three friends (you think I’m exaggerating but I’m not). The reasons? Side boob and time. What do I mean? Well, these suits look like they’re supposed to cover everything up. They look like they wrap around your whole body and then you take a left and BOOM, a part of the body we never knew would get us hard. I’m sure that’s the cut of the suit and it’s meant to be that way but we don’t know that. It’s almost like you went to the store and said, “I’ll get the skimpier one so Jared can see what I’m working with.” Or that your boobs grew a size just for this specific day at the beach. The writing on the front gives us an extra half second to look. Since it says something we have the extra layer of defense as to why we are staring, “Oh it says ‘throwing shade’ LOL” is what I’ll say if I ever feel like I’ve given myself away.
3. The Lace-Up One Piece
We like these suits. We like them for specific events. For the side boob one piece above, that has plausible deniability. If you wore it around our parents, mom would be like, “Oooh she’s stylish” and dad would be like, “Oh it says ‘throwing shade’ LOL.” The suits with all the tassels and straps and the ties up the middle of the boob like this one offers none of that. These are straight-up sex in a suit. So we love them for a Vegas pool party, on vacation at a resort with friends, spring break, and doing meth under the boardwalk. It’s a very specific suit that never says, “Have me over to your next family BBQ.”
4. The Cut-Out Monokini
We aren’t a fan of these ones. It’s trying to be both the one piece and the two piece at the same time. Choose a road, ladies. It looks like you put on a two piece and realized you didn’t lose the winter weight, so you jumped on the sewing machine and added an extra piece of cloth running down your stomach. It also has to fit just right. If you get wet and that extra piece of cloth is just flopping around it kind of looks like a tent that’s missing a tentpole. So, ya, pick a lane. Choose the one piece lane. Guys will think you’ll look like the (Hiroshima sized) bomb.
