We talk a lot on this site about how to take the perfect pic, and by now you’ve probably mastered this very important life skill. You know who hasn’t mastered it, though? Every guy ever, minus the gays. It’s not really their fault. Most guys are so overly comfortable with themselves that they’ve never had a care about photos in their life. It’s just not something they’re taught. Have you ever seen a bro use skinny arm? Fuck no. A guy will flash a full-on dad bod and think he looks like Channing Tatum. They also don’t post photos as much, and when they do, they often rely on us to make them look good, which I meannnn, isn’t a terrible strategy, but still, work with us here. Even the most photogenic betch can’t save a photo when the person next to her is a permanent blur.
So what to do about this predicament when we have boyfriends,
guy friends guys who want to be our boyfriends, brothers, etc. that we’d like to incorporate into our flawless social media aesthetic? Here are some suggestions to help the guys in your life not ruin your amazing pics:
1. Help Them Make Smart Wardrobe Choices
We understand that this is sometimes out of your control, and by no means are we endorsing you texting a fuckboy asking him to wear a certain shade of purple because it complements your eyes. But like if you have that power, and you know it’s a day when pics will be taken, then by all means. No Instagram filter can get rid of a basketball jersey.
2. Bring Sunglasses
Especially in the summer, this can make or break a picture. Unlike us, most guys haven’t been trained to stare directly into the sun for optimal lighting purposes, so sunglasses are essential. This also solves the issue of drunk eyes or the plain inability to look normal while sober. When in doubt, sunnies on.
3. If It’s A Group Shot, Don’t Put All The Guys Together
Because first of all, we’re not in eighth grade. And second of all, this is just a recipe for disaster. Depending on the crowd they’ll either be super stiff and awkward, or worse, striking some “hilarious” poses that will make you want to throw your phone off of the rooftop bar you’re on.
4. Physically Pose Them If They’re Struggling
If a guy is angled directly towards the camera with his hands in the pockets ready to be photographed, then you are morally obligated to intervene and stop that travesty from occurring. He won’t take offense and will without a doubt be thanking you later on for the pro tip.
5. Say Something To Make Them Laugh
We all know the power of a good candid and like some other things I can think of, guys are pretty bad at faking them. Even if it elicits only somewhat of a genuine smile, that’s better than the look of genuine pain that’s bound to show up at first.
6. Take A LOT Of Pictures
It’s the only way to ensure you’ll get a decent one. For every 15 photos you’ll probably get one that’s actually useable, so thank your photographer in advance for giving up an hour of their day.
Keeping all these suggestions in mind, you *should* be able to get a solid picture with even the most camera-shy men in your life. And if not, fuck it. We all know you’re still posting it anyway as long as you look skinny, so just throw it up there. At least we can say we tried.
Any betch who’s been in even the briefest of relationships, IRL or otherwise, knows that getting a text—much less getting a first text—from a guy who isn’t an actual boyfriend is harder than hiding a hangover at Sunday brunch. Unless you’re sending a nude (we won’t judge), we can practically guarantee that it’ll take no less than an hour or two to get a response, if you get one at all. Hey, even the betchiest amongst us can admit that it bruises the ego a little when you check your phone hours after you’ve sent a risky text and the only notifications you have are a text from your mom and a voicemail from your therapist confirming your appointment on Wednesday.
So, obviously if you get that elusive first text from a guy—and one who you don’t find repulsive, at that—
celebratory alcohol a congratulations from your friends (and even your family, hi Grandma) is in order. Below, check out Betches’ latest video “When Your Crush Texts You First” and fantasize about the day that this actually happens to you. Remember to subscribe to our Youtube channel for more hilarious content!
Since the dawn of time, mothers have been desperately trying to get their daughters to settle down with a nice boy. At best, these setups end with an awkward kiss on the cheek and an irritated text warning your mom to never again set you up with anyone who still has acne. At worst, you abandon ship to hook up with the hot waiter in the bathroom. (Oops?) It’s the natural order of things, but it doesn’t have to be this way—even science agrees your mom needs to stop setting you up with guys.
According to a study in Evolutionary Psychological Science, mothers just aren’t as picky as their daughters, which makes zero sense. Don’t our moms want beautiful grandchildren? Like, my mom doesn’t need to know any of the details of my sex life, but surely she has to know that “respectability” is the kind of thing only Jane Austen heroines care about. I want a hot husband, dammit. Sue me.
In the study, researchers asked 80 women and their mothers to rate three men, each a different level of hotness, based on whether they would date them (the women) or set them up with their daughter (the mothers). Each photo was accompanied by a “pleasing,” “respectful,” or “friendly” profile description. Essentially, someone took the premise behind Parental Control and turned it into a scientific experiment. So if you’ll just excuse me, I’m going to write up a grant proposal that will examine the effect of strangers’ impressions of your bedroom on your overall attractiveness and desirability.
When psychologists analyzed the information, they found something kind of hilarious: Despite everyone claiming that personality was more important than attractiveness, the cold, hard data says attractiveness was one of the strongest influences. So you can stop pretending your type is “funny guys,” because the jig is up. The attractive and moderately attractive men in the study were rated way higher than the unattractive ones (which is how it typically goes), but it happened even when the ugly dudes had more desirable personality traits. And before your mom can call you shallow, that effect was found in both daughters and mothers. What can I say? Nobody wants a betch to date down.
That being said, the results showed a deep ideological divide between mothers and daughters. The young women said they wouldn’t even consider dating the uggos, but their moms were open to them as potential son-in-law prospects. So while the unattractive dudes weren’t rated well, mothers didn’t see them as totally out of the running. In other words, you’re not being picky—your mom is fucking you over and knowingly setting you up with guys from her synagogue that she knows are busted. Next time she tries to pull that shit, kindly remind her what your grandchildren will look like if your husband closely resembles Shrek. That should nip that behavior in the bud.
In the end, researchers concluded that mothers and daughters have a “minimum level” of hotness when deciding who to date, but that you have way higher standards than your mom. Just something to keep in mind the next time she asks why you’re not dating anyone.
So you’re a woke-ass betch but you keep getting curved? Contrary to what your friends and mom are telling you, if you’re getting curved left and right on dating apps, the problem is likely with you. But never fear, we turned to a local bro to help you figure out what the problem is—because you know your friends are never going to straight-up tell you you have a shitty personality. The good news is, unless you’re just ugly with a shitty personality, your problem is very easily fixed. (And if you’re ugly, your problem is also easily fixed with the help of a trusted plastic surgeon.) Turn your match list from fuckboys to bae watch with these five tips, straight from the mouth of a bro.
1. Snapchat Filters
I want to know what you look like. Not what you would look like if your mom was a raccoon and your father was a wood elf. Yes, the filter hides blemishes and contours your face in, like, the PERFECT way. It also makes you look like an alien queen with cataracts. And FFS, can we please retire the puppy filter? If I wanted to date a dog, I’d hang outside Petco with a chew toy and “see who vibes.”
2. Your Bio Is Exclusively Emojis
It’s not “adorbz.” It’s confusing. Emojis are the hot sauce of conversation. A splash is great; a whole bottle leaves me vomiting out my soul in a Taco Bell bathroom. If I wanted to decipher hieroglyphics I’d smoke a bowl with my roommate and binge watch Ancient Aliens. We’re not in kindergarten. We can use our words. Octopus + spaceship = left swipe.
3. Never Asking Me A Single Question
I’m not here to get your exclusive interview for Vogue; I’m here to see if we click. Why would I ask you out if you’ve never asked me a question? If you want to give endless answers, take a Buzzfeed quiz.
4. Never Smiling In Any Photos
How you gonna look like we just broke up when we haven’t even gone on a date yet? Unless you’re a coal miner from the 1860s or you got dragged to hot yoga, there’s no reason not to smile. Yes, I realize “You should smile more” tops the hot 100 of shit women never want to hear from men, right between “Ayy ma” and “I don’t believe in condoms,” but this is all about first impressions. No one wants to date the girl who looks like she’s never experienced joy, or even seen a Pixar movie.
5. “Just On Here To Make Friends”
Using dating apps to make friends is like trying to get drunk off hand sanitizer: If it’s come to this, you need serious professional help. No guy you match with wants to be your friend. Especially if he tells you he does. You have a better chance screaming out your window at strangers or praying that your cat learns to talk. If you want friends, join a softball team. Literally anything else. Just don’t join a dating app.