Ever since some nerd made it illegal to swim naked because he couldn’t get a tan, people have been forced to suit up before hitting the beach. So until some brave soul takes it to the Supreme Court and fights the good fight, we’re stuck with swimsuits. Fortunately, visionaries have been locked in a lab for decades researching the best ways to show some skin without breaking the law. Unfortunately, some of these creations are so hideous that they should be locked in a sunless basement along with their swag-less creators. But some of them are God’s gift to mankind. So I’m here to tell you what guys think about bathing suits. If you disagree, it just proves that men don’t know anything about fashion.
The Stomach Cut-Out
Let’s all stop and take a moment appreciate how impressively awful this is. It looks like someone got blackout drunk and tried to make a one-piece out of their grandma’s favorite couch but ran out of material. As if the awkward stomach cut-out wasn’t bad enough, it also ties in the front. WHY? The only thing the front tie does is make it look like you have shoelaces hanging between your boobs. Unforgivable. But worst of all, this disaster is guaranteed to leave you with the least sexy tan lines of all time. Nobody wants to walk around naked looking like a modern art mess. Miss me with this.
Victoria’s Secret keyhole front-tie one piece
First of all, you can’t go wrong with the classic bikini bottom. It’s the mimosa of bathing suits: if you don’t like it, you’re an asshole and should kindly leave brunch. The top is also good, especially if you go with a brighter color, because it fulfills every guy’s childhood fantasy of having a shot with The Little Mermaid. Just me, then?
Victoria’s Secret ruched front bandeau
The top is great. We don’t need to talk about the top. The bottom, though? Let’s talk about the bottom. The bottom looks like it tried to reach the top, got half way and said “fuck it, it’s nap time.” Yeah, I know high-waisted bottoms have been a trend for a while, and I’ve been sitting on that joke for years. It’s not so much the high waist in particular, it’s the fact that the bottoms are just high waisted enough to cover half the belly button—why? A belly button is like a bank heist, you gotta be all in or all out.
Victoria’s Secret embroidered strappy high-waist bikini
This Kind That Looks Like A Bra
Every guy likes seeing a girl in a bra. It’s the second best thing besides seeing a girl out of a bra, and this style plays it up perfectly. It’s classy, it’s fun, and by blurring the line between bra and bathing suit, it makes the guy think he’s seeing more than he actually is. Which is always a win, because who wants to do more than you have to?
Victoria’s Secret strappy side scoop push-up
A timeless classic. Sexy. Simple. Stylish. And unlike the latest iPhone, it’s not desperately trying to add features no one asked for or gives a damn about. No frills, hoops, bangles, dangles, or zippers in sight. Save that shit for a handbag. Every strap has a place and a purpose. 10/10. The best use of shapes I’ve seen since kindergarten.
The Funny/Ironic One-Piece
Ah, the ironic one-piece. It’s cute if you’re wearing it for a reason, like a sorority formal, a bachelorette party, or a court-mandated hearing, but if you’re casually wearing this at a rooftop pool, it screams “Please follow me on IG before I wash down another Xanax with Smirnoff!” Would Baywatch still be iconic if Pamela Anderson jogged down the beach with “PERF” stamped on her chest? Maybe… I’m honestly surprised they didn’t do that in the remake, but hey, there’s always hope for the sequel. Point is, if you’re gonna rock a one-piece, stick with a solid color or a print, otherwise you’re just wearing the female equivalent of a “sun’s out, guns out” bro tank. Jaeger bombs, anyone?
Private Party Champagne Campaign swimsuit
Images: Victoria’s Secret (4); J. Crew; Private Party
Hi everyone! I’m a straight guy who’s probably a lot like the guy you’re texting/hooking up with. The Betches have asked me to break down things openly and honestly so you don’t have to have that guy lie to your face. I’ve broken down The Bachelorette contestants, dating apps, and one piece bathing suits. So grab that phone, go take a poop (don’t worry, I won’t tell) and enjoy The Betches’ next question of the male mind…
We want to see what guys think of a girl based on her job title. Like, if you were on a first date and he asked what you do for a living—that kind of situation. Are guys intimidated by successful women (too bad)? Do certain jobs carry a connotation we’re not aware of?
This is one of those questions that’ll prompt a tweet or DM from a younger girl saying, “What does it matter what a guy thinks!? YES ALL WOMEN! IF YOU CAN’T DEAL WITH OUR CAREERS THEN YOU HAVE A SMALL PENIS!!!” And part of that is true. I’m sure there are guys who are intimidated by a job title or a woman’s success in comparison to their own and I’d say that’s probably more their own issue with themselves (penis size) and not women in general. But to say we all don’t judge every guy or girl by the job title on their Bumble profile is absolutely crazy. When you see “finance,” you’re going to have a very specific first reaction. You’re going to remember
Wolf of Wall Street that other finance guy you dated and how he was this and that and judge the next guy by that memory. All of those emotional reactions are normal. So remember, this is my first thought based on having dated multiple girls with these careers and that doesn’t mean you’re exactly like them but it means this is what most guys think at first glance.
Also (kind of a side note), I love when a woman has a successful career. I’m not just saying that to let you know that my penis is huge, but you can DM me on Instagram (@jaredfreid) to discuss women with great careers. Just putting that out there about strong, independent women. Love a good discussion.
All of these jobs are in the same category because no person on earth has ever been as busy as a girl who works in PR/fashion/advertising. Literally not one person. There are surgeons who will respond to a question about work with a simple, “Things are good.” Ask one of these girls about work and you’re about to get a response that sounds like they just came running from a burning house and they’re trying to wrangle up the fire department. And don’t get them started about Upfronts or Fashion Week (which might be 51 weeks a year) or Chihuahua Week (or whatever thing she does PR for) because they’ll actually faint onto a couch mid-explanation. If you’re going to date these girls, just get ready to feel like you literally do nothing in comparison.
If they’re in law school then you can add them to the PR/Fashion/Advertising group. Nobody has ever complained more about being busy than a law school student. You’d think they wouldn’t complain so much since they bailed from the real world of no grades or affirmation to get back into that cuddly, “Go to class, study the material, get the grade you deserve, repeat,” blanket.
When I date a girl who works in law I’m just going to assume there will be a lot of random “law school friends” that I’m going to have to meet along the way. They’ll be mostly guys and the explanation of their friendship will always be a little too vague to have not been romantic at some point. You’ll have to come to terms with “He’s just my law school friend” being a guy who once DMed her about studying to try and bang and then just settled for the reliable study buddy option.
Medicine (Doctor, Nurse, etc.)
We assume that you’re literally the smartest person we’ve ever met and you can answer any question we’d ever have about our body AND you’re not grossed out by much. So we figure that you’re willing and able to explore regions of our bodies that we had no idea could make us climax.
It’s almost like you’re dating a really competitive guy from your fraternity. She’s going to be really pumped for happy hours and then wake up the next day as if multiple shots never happened. She’s going to take you to a group fitness class and do everything way better than you ever could. She’ll have relationships with men that seem almost so asexual that they’re sexual. Calling other guys pussies and referencing how they puked during their first year “like a bitch.” It’s all really hot and not at the same time and there’s a moment where you wonder if she’s training you for a decathlon.
When you’re a teacher we have to become an actor because you’re going to tell us stories about kids we really don’t care about while looking like we’re interested. I’m sure these are great kids, but they aren’t our kids, and in a year you’re going to have a whole new group that produces the same stories that we are going to have to, again, look like we care about.
You’re a really tough person to take on a date. Her job is basically planning dates with a budget a company can afford. So if you try to go bowling, she ends up comparing it to her bowling events where they had acrobats and free blowjobs in the bathroom. Dating her is like dating a Bachelor contestant right after she got to the final four. She just took a helicopter around the Hawaiian volcanoes so your move of sharing a bottle of wine and picking up the tab isn’t exactly glamorous.
The thing about HR people is that they change jobs a lot and they have to hear about everyone at the office’s problems. So guess what? So are you. Every day will be a new LinkedIn story or update as well as a new complaint about Kathy’s complaint. It’s a lot like the teacher, except nobody in the story is cute and you get to hear what type of animals men act like in the workplace.
I’m a comedian (please follow me on Instagram; “likes” are the only thing that keep me going. I have nothing. @jaredfreid). So the reason I swipe left on any headshot is the same reason I’d swipe left on myself—you’re going to have to go to shit. Like, annoying shit. Like a show that’s in a bar with five people. Then you’re going to have to look this person in the eyes who takes this thing super seriously and try to understand the five year outlook when you really can’t imagine it. You’re going to have to lie about how “It was great!” And you’re going to have to wonder if this person will one day be your financial burden. Other than that, they’re going to be really dramatic and they won’t care about being really dramatic in public.
So, yeah. That’s what we think. Have fun dating!