Glory be to dating apps, the only way to find love without having to change out of pajamas. Life is hectic af, and you ain’t got time to meet every damn person in person. But if you’re going to make dating apps your primary source for suitors, you gotta come correct, and nothing is more important than your profile pics. They say a picture says a thousand words, and there’s nowhere that’s more accurate than on dating apps. Charge the iPhones, clean the cameras, it’s time to run down the dos and don’ts of dating app pictures. (And you’ll notice I didn’t include anything about group pictures, because if you don’t know at this point that we don’t want to play Where’s Waldo on your dating profile, then I can’t help you.)
Don’t Have A Picture Of Something That’s Not You
Are you Chris Pratt? Then don’t have three separate shots of him squinting seductively into the camera. (Before any of you comment, yes, I have literally seen this.) Look. It’s great that you love Parks and Rec, but I should find that out from reading your profile, not swiping through your photos. You’ve only got so many pictures to make an impression, so don’t waste one on a Friends meme. There are far better ways to convey your personality, like…
Do Have Pics Of You Doing A Hobby
Do you spend your whole life in your bedroom? Cuz that’s exactly what the guy is going to think if all you have on your profile are mirror selfies. Instead, include a couple pics of you doing your favorite hobbies like boxing, surfing, skee-balling, lion taming, etc. That way, those who come across your profile know that you live a fun, well-balanced lifestyle that they’d be lucky to be a part of. It also serves as a great conversation starter so the other person is more likely to message you first with something other than the dreaded “hey.”
Don’t Be Wasted In Your Photos
Plenty of guys want to date a girl who likes to throw a few back and have a good time. A picture of you holding a watermelon margarita at dinner or raising a glass of Champagne at a wedding is adorable. A picture of you ripping handle pulls of Svedka in a sticky dorm room while bleary-eyed idiots cheer you on is not so adorable. Don’t get me wrong, I will go shot for shot with you at the club and dance my ass off on a level that would embarrass Cardi B, but neither one of us needs that photographic evidence. Save the plastered pics for Snapchat—that’s what it’s for.
Just because the Kardashians don’t smile doesn’t mean you shouldn’t. That was a lot of negatives in one sentence, I know. What I’m trying to say is nothing is sexier than a smile. It seems like there’s a weird trend going around where girls think the only acceptable expression to have in a picture is pouting, smirking, or sticking your tongue out. No one wants to go on a date with a girl who already looks like she’s annoyed with them. There are a million songs written about a smile and exactly zero about a frowning duck face. Flash that porcelain!
Is your sex life getting staler than that box of Special K you bought when Obama was still in office? Is your boyfriend still jack-hammering away with all the imagination of a DMV worker? Well Cosmo is the place to turn, right? RIGHT? Just like listening to your drunk grandpa tell you about all the tail he pulled at Woodstock, Cosmo’s sex advice is best taken with a sizable grain of salt. “I’ve got a life to lead and orgasms to achieve! Get to the point bro!” Alright, alright. Keep your Lululemons on. I’m still working on my first cup of coffee. Grab your Rabbits and rosé, it’s time to run down some Cosmo sex tips.
“Workout together and then bone. Get those endorphins going before you get each other going. Meow!”
In theory, this sounds great. But in reality, not so much. You ever smell a locker room on a humid summer day? Now imagine that locker room has a penis and that penis is on a sweaty collision course with your vagina. Yea, it’s a no from me. If your guy goes hard at the gym (which I’m guessing he does because you only date the best, obvi) he probably smells worse than the bathroom line at Coachella. Instead of hopping off the treadmill and into the sack, I’d recommend a couple’s shower with a little foreplay first. That way you can enjoy that runner’s high without losing your lunch.
“Use your tongue to stimulate other, non-penis parts of your partner, like his inner thigh or right above his crotch. Your mouth in that general neighborhood will heighten all his nerves, making the actual BJ-sitch all the more exciting.”
I always thought the whole delayed gratification, tease-before-you-please shtick was a bunch of BS until a girlfriend casually blew my mind one night, and wow, was I wrong. As much as men just want you to stick it in your mouth, the resulting BJ after using this technique is damn near revolutionary. Easily 50-1,000% better, according to scientific calculations. And for girls that aren’t the biggest fans of giving head, I can guarantee he will finish faster, meaning less work for you and more pleasure for him. It’s a win-win.
“Slip a donut around his dick, then eat it off”
Every time I accidentally bite my lip I want to throw my plate, my food, and myself right out a 10-story window. So no, I don’t want teeth on or around my dick area at all. Does this really need an explanation? Nothing is less sexy than an impromptu circumcision. While you’re at it, why not blow him with a cup of coffee in your mouth to really ruin his life? Even in the best-case scenario, I end up covered in glaze and not the kind I expected or asked for. Hard pass on this doughnut debacle. Keep the food in the fridge where it belongs.
“Spice up missionary with this classic twist. Try stacking a few pillows underneath your butt before your partner enters via peen or strap-on. This totally changes up the angle and offers *~ deeper ~* penetration.”
Cosmo is right on the money with this one. People are always attempting outlandish shit in the bedroom without trying to just improve on the classics. If you think the deeper the better, then the pillow trick is for you. If you’re really trying to get crazy, have him throw your legs over his shoulders for even deeper penetration. This is probably already has some catchy name like “union of the pigeon” or “the tantric trombone,” but I figured I’d include it anyway.
“House Party: The rules are simple: no one orgasms until you’ve boned in every room of the house.”
So then right after boning we gotta bust out the Windex and wipe down the whole house? I think I’ll be happier not getting sweat stains on every surface, thanks. The great thing about a bed is you can throw the sheets in the washer when you’re done. How are you going to get into a groove if you’re too focused on not making a mess? Also, thanks Cosmo for reminding my girlfriend that I live in a studio apartment and putting me on blast. Real chill. Unless you’re gonna foot the bill for extra bedrooms, kindly stop throwing shade.
“Not So Fast: Lie naked in bed and have your guy stand at the doorway to the bedroom. Test how well he knows you by asking him questions about yourself – they can range from sexy (what’s your favorite position) to personal (name your dream vacation spot). Once he correctly answers enough questions to reach the bed, go at it. The teasing aspect will drive up his lust, and he’ll also learn new things about you.”
What fresh hell is this? This sounds like a great way to interrogate suspected criminals, not tantalize your partner. Getting quizzed by your S.O. about personal details can be intimidating over dinner, let alone when you’re at half-mast and swinging in the breeze. Maybe it’s just me, but I’ve got a pretty bad memory when I have a boner. Yes, we love knowing all there is to know about you, but no one enjoys being put on the spot. Remember when the teacher would randomly call on you in class and you’d desperately try to stammer out the quadratic equation? Same thing here, except you’re butt-ass naked and there’s no excitable mathlete to bail you out. Just play this game with pants on the next time you’re Ubering to brunch.
“This is So Wrong: Don’t risk full on public sex, but do test the limits of how kinky you can get outside of your apartments with low-key things like: 1) Hooking up in your friend’s bathroom at a house party. 2) Hook up with the door open while your roommate is home.”
Low-key? There’s nothing low-key about banging in a friend’s bathroom. I’d like my towel rack to remain HPV free, thank you very much. Unless you’ve run out of ways to try and get out of the friendship, don’t hook up in a friend’s house without their permission. If you’re absolutely determined to be a degenerate, bathroom bang at a rando’s house where you don’t care about the consequences. But don’t come crying to me when y’all both get tossed out on your bare asses. Smh.
And now for suggestion two. Are you trying to wage psychological warfare on your roommate? I’m sure she’ll really appreciate coming home after a long day at work and trying to watch Better Call Saul over the sounds of your guttural moaning. The only thing this is good for is getting your ass evicted and/or passive-aggressively reminding her that she’s single af. Be a human being and shut the damn door.
Images: Giphy (2)
Head Pro wishes you much good tidings, cheer, and toe-curling orgasms as the holidays approach. Email him at [email protected], and follow him on Twitter and Insta at @betchesheadpro.
Hey there head pro,
Not sure if you’re still answering questions, but here’s one you probably don’t get that much. Basically, I’m in my mid-twenties, and I’ve had exactly five orgasms in my life. I have a good sex life, masturbate, etc. it’s just really hard for me to orgasm. I’ve tried everything you can think of, read every article, even seen doctors about it, but I’m just one of the people who have a really hard time cumming. It’s tragic, I know, and that’s not even the problem I’m writing to you about.
A few years ago, a guy I was in a serious relationship with broke up with me over this issue. He even said that everything else in our relationship was perfect he just “didn’t feel like a man” because he couldn’t make me orgasm. He did tell me I could give him a call if I ever got the problem fixed (go fuck yourself). This obviously made me feel really shitty because I’ve tried really hard to find a solution, and he knew this and knew I was seeing doctors for it. I still like sex a lot and have an above-average sex drive, I always told him how good he was in bed, and I never pouted about my problem or anything.
Since then I’ve casually slept with different guys, and as long as they put in some effort to make sex enjoyable, I just fake an orgasm. I know people always say not to do this and it’s like against feminism, but I started doing it because 1) I’m not interested in telling random hookups about my sexual history/issues. 2) I’d rather not scare off another guy, and 3) If I do tell a guy and he puts a lot of effort in to try and make me orgasm, it makes me feel pressured which is a guarantee it won’t happen.
So, sorry for all the backstory, here’s the issue. I ended up really liking one of the guys I was sleeping with, and now we’re in a relationship that’s going really well. Except for the fact I’ve been faking an orgasm 99% of the time of course. Since we’re a couple now, I’d really like to stop lying and tell him the whole story, but I’m afraid what his reaction will be to both me having this problem and me having faked orgasms. The thing is, he’s actually amazing in bed and is responsible for two of my orgasms, which is incredible for me. Any tips for bringing this up? And if he does dump me over this, any advice on how to handle this for future relationships? Would this be a dealbreaker for the average guy?
Orgasmless in Seattle
Yeah, I’m still answering questions, I’m just both lazy and busy, which is a lethal combination. Faking it (whether it’s orgasms or being a productive blogger) is never the path you want to go down, but I understand doing what you gotta do. In this case, the good news is that you have an excellent angle from which to approach this: He is responsible for a solid 40% of your climaxes. A way better efficiency rate than the freakin’ congress, amirite folks?!? I say, the next time you ride the fuckcoaster and you don’t see God, that’s a good time to say something like “you know, I’ve had a hard time reaching orgasm my entire life, I’ve even seen doctors about it. In fact, the only time I’ve ever actually cum during sex was with you.”
Now: Is that last part true? I have no idea. Only you know. But even if not, it’s a beautiful little lie. You can just tell him that the other three orgasms came during intense, marathon diddle sessions that left you with carpal tunnel afterwards. The point is, you’re padding his ego just enough so that you can easily and honestly discuss the issue without worrying about anyone feeling awkward. Reinforce that he knows his way around his own dick, but also impress upon him that machines built literally expressly for your pleasure just won’t get the job done sometimes. Also important: let him know that sex can be perfectly fun and enjoyable without an orgasm, especially for someone who has them about as often as Donald Trump has a solid bowel movement. A lot of guys don’t realize that, because it’s a little different for us.
Even though it’s not really something you want to use in this way, it’s kind of a litmus test. If he’s cool, he’ll totally understand, keep up the good work, and (most importantly) not make it about his ego. If not, well, you know what to do. Kick him to the curb, and tell him to call you when he gets the problem fixed.
But no more faking. No good cums of that.
Dear Head Pro,
I’ve been texting a swiping app match for about 2 weeks, and we originally were going to meet the weekend after thanksgiving. We never made plans with a time/place so I figured nbd, it’s the holidays and we just started talking. He isn’t able to meet until the weekend after Christmas….literally 4 weeks away. Is he just trying to avoid me so I don’t get the wrong idea over the holidays? Or is he just not trying to meet?
For the record, I don’t want a relationship or a one-nighter, just something casual with someone that is sexually curious. Specifically, we have a dom/sub thing going on and he’s really into it/me from the texts, so I’m confused why he hasn’t tried to move things along. I don’t think he’s traveling for Christmas bc his family is pretty much all in his city. He’s living with his brother for the next few months so I’m wondering if that’s the issue?
Side note: Another match has the same demanding hours as him (same occupation, requires weekends depending on the client) but has managed to ask me out twice within the same time span of knowing Mr.Dom. He is recently divorced so he’s obvi not looking for a relationship either. Idk maybe I’m having a hard time with this because even my old dates that were like, working on a doctorate still made time to drive 45 minutes to take me out.
Should I kick him to the curb before talking drags on too long? I am only distraught over this because I want to expand my kink and we fit well personality wise. Is it normal etiquette to not hook up over the holidays?? What are guys thinking as far as plans go for someone that is FWB material before Christmas break? Is it too romantic to do stuff (like watching the lights/skating) with someone you just met?
Daddy’s little girl
Let me get this straight: All you want is to act out the lyrics to Ludacris’ second-best song. And yet, you’re distraught because the guy whom you want to smack your ass raw is… unable to find the time to meet and engage in deviant sexual congress with a total stranger during literally the busiest and most miserable time of the year? I don’t get it. In the same paragraph, you say it’s cool he hasn’t made plans because of the holidays, and then also that you’re worried he’s just not interested. What kind of drugs are you on, and where can I get some?
Weirder is that you’ve decided this based on exactly one other person you’ve matched with, and a handful of horny graduate students. This may shock you, but not all people are the same. I would go so far as to say that everyone is different, if I may be so bold. Yeah, guys for the most part wanna smash that ass, and we’ll overcome more hurdles than is probably necessary to do it. But what you want with this guy isn’t the standard “drinks and an awkward quickie” that most swiping app matches lead to. You want, like, a whole thing that involves role-play, rules, boundaries, and maybe even some heavy equipment. That’s not something you do on the fly, and certainly not in the month between eating turkey at grandma’s house and then ham at grandma’s house a little later. Like, that’s a serious commitment. A lot more serious than acting out your fantasies via text and furiously wanking it, anyway.
I don’t think holiday hookups are an etiquette thing so much as they’re an issue of logistics and convenience. As for guys’ plans, I think that depends on the guy. A college dude, yeah, he might be angling to line up some strange while he’s home for a couple months. But post-college? Nah. We’re not thinking about it at all, or any differently than we do any other time of the year. Honestly, just relax, and take the stranger you’ve yet to meet at face value for now. Keep on sexting, if you want to. He’ll still be there after NYE.
I don’t know how you went from “choke me daddy” to ice skating in the same message, so I won’t acknowledge it.
Head Pro wishes you much good tidings, cheer and toe-curling orgasms as the holidays approach. Email him at [email protected], and follow him on Twitter and Insta at @betchesheadpro.
Head Pro offers advice on life, love and really anything because he likes to hear himself talk. Email him at [email protected], and follow him on Twitter and Insta at @betchesheadpro.
Here’s my current dilemma that’s consuming my thoughts:
Summer before my freshman year of college when I was 18, I met a guy. Fast forward a couple months, I’m thinking I pretty much found my soulmate. He is one of the funniest, loving, sweetest guys I’ve ever met. He is the epitome of Jim from The Office, which, let’s face it, is every girl’s dream guy. I wanted to date, he didn’t because we were “too far”, aka 1-2 hours away depending on when he was away at school. Whatever, K, I got over it. I started hooking up with guys at school cause that’s what freshman do, and then we started talking again, but only hooking up and just hanging out. Over the next year, we were just fuck buddies while I did my thing and he did is, even though I still had feelings for him. My junior year, we started hanging out more, going out more, hooking up more. And the sex is really fucking good.
I’m now a senior and 21 years old. I’m over every guy that goes to my school (no, not under) but I just have never met another guy like him before. I can honestly say he’s my best friend, he’s been there through everything I have gone through in college, including the death of my father, and I love this guy. I know feels the same about me and tells me he loves me and we act like a couple when were together, and we are still banging to this day, literally, but he hasn’t shown any interest in dating. I’ve known him for almost 4 years now, and now that we are both graduated/graduating college I want to be with him. I have no idea how he feels because he’ll text me a lot for a few days or not at all for a few days. He even wants me to go out of state with him in December, go to a concert, stay in a hotel, and enjoy the weekend. So, he’s planning couple things with me in December. Like WAT. Meanwhile, I know he doesn’t talk to any other girls or hook up with anyone else because he straight up tells me this and I can clearly see it while I’m looking over his shoulder at his phone (whoops).
My friends say to tell him how I feel, but I’m scared because it didn’t work out well the last time. I know he has no one else, so what is he waiting for or do you think these feelings are one-sided?
Let’s get one thing straight, Jim from The Office should be no girl’s dream guy. Jim’s ability to land Pam rested solely on him being the one non-weirdo in that office. Otherwise, he fucked around for like a decade, had no real ambitions and kind of treated Pam (and later, their daughter) as a burdensome accessory in his life. Fuck, at least Roy was ready to kick some ass. She would have been no worse off with him, I think. Don’t @ me.
Anyway, just fucking tell him. It’s reasonable, given that you’re graduating soon and have some important decisions to make. It’s also pretty weird for him to drop “I love yous” and shit without ever even once mentioning the status. It’s in a sense a silly thing (after all, sentiment is most important), but it still matters.
But more importantly (and I probably bring this up in our book): if a guy’s going to refuse to commit to labeling a relationship, it won’t be because you asked the question. Like, that’s insane. How does that even work, you tell him how you feel and he responds “hmm, despite all of my behavior that would indicate I feel the same way, now that you’ve brought it up my feelings have diminished?” It doesn’t happen, and has never happened. The last time it didn’t work out was because he had a pretty legitimate reason for not wanting to commit, not because you bothered to ask.
FWIW, almost no one I know is still with the person they were dating in college (I am le old). With someone they met in college at some point? Sure. But if you pour your heart out and this guy’s still wishy washy about being serious, you might have to start taking evasive measures. It’s what Pam should have done.
Dear Head Pro,
I am experiencing an uncomfortable level of confusion in my relationship with a guy that I’m interested in and need your guidance. Here’s the annoyingly convoluted background:
Had a one night stand w this guy I know and when I didn’t hear from him the rest of the weekend I wasn’t shocked. Come Monday, it turns out he had tried various forms of social media to get in touch with me, I just didn’t realize, so we began chatting.
He asks me out to drinks and he decides to make drinks a dinner, which I took as a good sign. The date went really well and was a lot of fun but at the end he got very awkward, gave me a weird side hug and essentially ran away (I expected a kiss considering we had already had sex…). I left the date very confused but pretty accepting of the fact that clearly he wasn’t into it. Didn’t really hear from him until several few weeks later when he suggests we do it again and instead I invited him to meet my friends and I out at a bar that night, He comes, we have a lot of fun and I go home with him again.
Jump even more weeks of minimal contact and we make a plan to go to the hang in a public setting but when I drop him off he gives me another awkward goodbye, a shoulder squeeze. The next week he invited me to this party from which we leave together again, but I don’t have sex with him and don’t really explain why (we did other things though so I feel like it was fine). In the morning he makes me breakfast but doesn’t kiss me goodbye.
Then he goes several MORE weeks without really reaching out to me!
By this point I was fed up with the inconsistency. As a large group we went out to a bar where I accidentally blacked out and maybe slapped him and called him an asshole; but apparently he didn’t mind too much because I woke up in his apartment. He said we were cool, texted a little the next morning and all seemed fine. Once again, weeks go by, he has texted me a few random times and IMs me but never keeps the convo going very long and never suggests hanging out.
So bottom line: This guy has been very hot and cold and hasn’t asked me on a real date in two months but will still sometimes reach out but not to hangout or hookup so like wtf is the agenda. I was under the impression that if a guy is into you he will ask you out or text you frequently. On the assumption that he is just too awkward to function, should I keep making an ass of myself by putting myself out there and straight up ask if hes interested (which I may have done that blackout night and don’t remember, i.e. may have already been denied-Yikes), or do I gather my remaining dignity and move on?
Feeling too old for the hot and cold
Eh, I don’t think this is all that complicated or inconsistent. Take the one-nighter out of the equation, and you’re describing a brief relationship that never got off the ground between two people who never liked each other that much. Let’s break down these encounters:
– One Night Stand: Presumably booze-fueled. No explanation needed.
– First “Date:” He’s probably feeling a little awkward about how things started and wants to reset a little bit. Has a nice time, wants to feel things out on a romantic (as opposed to purely sexual) level. I can probably count on one hand the times I’ve tried to kiss someone on a first date, and I’m not exactly Mike Pence. Just doesn’t always seem right.
– Second “Date:” I think you kinda fucked up a little here, given that he wanted to meet one on one and you did the “let’s make it a group thing” thing. Then again, it’s understandable given that he’d been radio silent for a while—no blame to go around, really, just poor communication. You meet up, the booze and social energy is flowing, and you smash. Cool.
– Third “Date:” You hang out in public, (presumably) sober. Still has a nice time, I guess? Another awkward goodbye.
– Fourth “Date:” Hey look at that, another party! And wouldn’t you know it, you wind up going home and doing sex stuff again. I’m beginning to see a pattern here…
– Final Encounter: It doesn’t sound like anyone actually invited anyone out here, you just ended up there as part of the same amorphous friend group. And wouldn’t you know it, a lot of alcohol is involved again. And you wind up fucking, again. Color me surprised!
So yeah, besides his sporadic communication he’s not really inconsistent. Other than when drinking lowers both of your inhibitions and you wind up touching each other in some places, it doesn’t sound like he likes you all that much—and to be fair, it doesn’t sound like you were walking on clouds after your dates, either. I think he was pretty obviously struggling to feel the vibe after the first few go-rounds, and then after whatever transpired at the bar he knew that this wasn’t something worth pursuing.
He’s still gonna hit it, though, because why not? That’s life. Consider not going on dates with men who only contact you once per menstrual cycle and that you don’t seem to like that much either, and you will be much better off.
Head Pro offers advice on life, love and really anything because he likes to hear himself talk. Email him at [email protected], and follow him on twitter and insta at @betchesheadpro.
Hi everyone! I’m a straight guy who’s probably a lot like the guy you’re texting/hooking up with. The Betches have asked me to break down things openly and honestly so you don’t have to have that guy lie to your face. I’ve broken down The Bachelorette contestants, dating apps, and one piece bathing suits. So grab that phone, go take a poop (don’t worry, I won’t tell) and enjoy The Betches’ next question of the male mind…
We want to see what guys think of a girl based on her job title. Like, if you were on a first date and he asked what you do for a living—that kind of situation. Are guys intimidated by successful women (too bad)? Do certain jobs carry a connotation we’re not aware of?
This is one of those questions that’ll prompt a tweet or DM from a younger girl saying, “What does it matter what a guy thinks!? YES ALL WOMEN! IF YOU CAN’T DEAL WITH OUR CAREERS THEN YOU HAVE A SMALL PENIS!!!” And part of that is true. I’m sure there are guys who are intimidated by a job title or a woman’s success in comparison to their own and I’d say that’s probably more their own issue with themselves (penis size) and not women in general. But to say we all don’t judge every guy or girl by the job title on their Bumble profile is absolutely crazy. When you see “finance,” you’re going to have a very specific first reaction. You’re going to remember
Wolf of Wall Street that other finance guy you dated and how he was this and that and judge the next guy by that memory. All of those emotional reactions are normal. So remember, this is my first thought based on having dated multiple girls with these careers and that doesn’t mean you’re exactly like them but it means this is what most guys think at first glance.
Also (kind of a side note), I love when a woman has a successful career. I’m not just saying that to let you know that my penis is huge, but you can DM me on Instagram (@jaredfreid) to discuss women with great careers. Just putting that out there about strong, independent women. Love a good discussion.
All of these jobs are in the same category because no person on earth has ever been as busy as a girl who works in PR/fashion/advertising. Literally not one person. There are surgeons who will respond to a question about work with a simple, “Things are good.” Ask one of these girls about work and you’re about to get a response that sounds like they just came running from a burning house and they’re trying to wrangle up the fire department. And don’t get them started about Upfronts or Fashion Week (which might be 51 weeks a year) or Chihuahua Week (or whatever thing she does PR for) because they’ll actually faint onto a couch mid-explanation. If you’re going to date these girls, just get ready to feel like you literally do nothing in comparison.
If they’re in law school then you can add them to the PR/Fashion/Advertising group. Nobody has ever complained more about being busy than a law school student. You’d think they wouldn’t complain so much since they bailed from the real world of no grades or affirmation to get back into that cuddly, “Go to class, study the material, get the grade you deserve, repeat,” blanket.
When I date a girl who works in law I’m just going to assume there will be a lot of random “law school friends” that I’m going to have to meet along the way. They’ll be mostly guys and the explanation of their friendship will always be a little too vague to have not been romantic at some point. You’ll have to come to terms with “He’s just my law school friend” being a guy who once DMed her about studying to try and bang and then just settled for the reliable study buddy option.
Medicine (Doctor, Nurse, etc.)
We assume that you’re literally the smartest person we’ve ever met and you can answer any question we’d ever have about our body AND you’re not grossed out by much. So we figure that you’re willing and able to explore regions of our bodies that we had no idea could make us climax.
It’s almost like you’re dating a really competitive guy from your fraternity. She’s going to be really pumped for happy hours and then wake up the next day as if multiple shots never happened. She’s going to take you to a group fitness class and do everything way better than you ever could. She’ll have relationships with men that seem almost so asexual that they’re sexual. Calling other guys pussies and referencing how they puked during their first year “like a bitch.” It’s all really hot and not at the same time and there’s a moment where you wonder if she’s training you for a decathlon.
When you’re a teacher we have to become an actor because you’re going to tell us stories about kids we really don’t care about while looking like we’re interested. I’m sure these are great kids, but they aren’t our kids, and in a year you’re going to have a whole new group that produces the same stories that we are going to have to, again, look like we care about.
You’re a really tough person to take on a date. Her job is basically planning dates with a budget a company can afford. So if you try to go bowling, she ends up comparing it to her bowling events where they had acrobats and free blowjobs in the bathroom. Dating her is like dating a Bachelor contestant right after she got to the final four. She just took a helicopter around the Hawaiian volcanoes so your move of sharing a bottle of wine and picking up the tab isn’t exactly glamorous.
The thing about HR people is that they change jobs a lot and they have to hear about everyone at the office’s problems. So guess what? So are you. Every day will be a new LinkedIn story or update as well as a new complaint about Kathy’s complaint. It’s a lot like the teacher, except nobody in the story is cute and you get to hear what type of animals men act like in the workplace.
I’m a comedian (please follow me on Instagram; “likes” are the only thing that keep me going. I have nothing. @jaredfreid). So the reason I swipe left on any headshot is the same reason I’d swipe left on myself—you’re going to have to go to shit. Like, annoying shit. Like a show that’s in a bar with five people. Then you’re going to have to look this person in the eyes who takes this thing super seriously and try to understand the five year outlook when you really can’t imagine it. You’re going to have to lie about how “It was great!” And you’re going to have to wonder if this person will one day be your financial burden. Other than that, they’re going to be really dramatic and they won’t care about being really dramatic in public.
So, yeah. That’s what we think. Have fun dating!
We talk a lot on this site about how to take the perfect pic, and by now you’ve probably mastered this very important life skill. You know who hasn’t mastered it, though? Every guy ever, minus the gays. It’s not really their fault. Most guys are so overly comfortable with themselves that they’ve never had a care about photos in their life. It’s just not something they’re taught. Have you ever seen a bro use skinny arm? Fuck no. A guy will flash a full-on dad bod and think he looks like Channing Tatum. They also don’t post photos as much, and when they do, they often rely on us to make them look good, which I meannnn, isn’t a terrible strategy, but still, work with us here. Even the most photogenic betch can’t save a photo when the person next to her is a permanent blur.
So what to do about this predicament when we have boyfriends,
guy friends guys who want to be our boyfriends, brothers, etc. that we’d like to incorporate into our flawless social media aesthetic? Here are some suggestions to help the guys in your life not ruin your amazing pics:
1. Help Them Make Smart Wardrobe Choices
We understand that this is sometimes out of your control, and by no means are we endorsing you texting a fuckboy asking him to wear a certain shade of purple because it complements your eyes. But like if you have that power, and you know it’s a day when pics will be taken, then by all means. No Instagram filter can get rid of a basketball jersey.
2. Bring Sunglasses
Especially in the summer, this can make or break a picture. Unlike us, most guys haven’t been trained to stare directly into the sun for optimal lighting purposes, so sunglasses are essential. This also solves the issue of drunk eyes or the plain inability to look normal while sober. When in doubt, sunnies on.
3. If It’s A Group Shot, Don’t Put All The Guys Together
Because first of all, we’re not in eighth grade. And second of all, this is just a recipe for disaster. Depending on the crowd they’ll either be super stiff and awkward, or worse, striking some “hilarious” poses that will make you want to throw your phone off of the rooftop bar you’re on.
4. Physically Pose Them If They’re Struggling
If a guy is angled directly towards the camera with his hands in the pockets ready to be photographed, then you are morally obligated to intervene and stop that travesty from occurring. He won’t take offense and will without a doubt be thanking you later on for the pro tip.
5. Say Something To Make Them Laugh
We all know the power of a good candid and like some other things I can think of, guys are pretty bad at faking them. Even if it elicits only somewhat of a genuine smile, that’s better than the look of genuine pain that’s bound to show up at first.
6. Take A LOT Of Pictures
It’s the only way to ensure you’ll get a decent one. For every 15 photos you’ll probably get one that’s actually useable, so thank your photographer in advance for giving up an hour of their day.
Keeping all these suggestions in mind, you *should* be able to get a solid picture with even the most camera-shy men in your life. And if not, fuck it. We all know you’re still posting it anyway as long as you look skinny, so just throw it up there. At least we can say we tried.
Bros, this article is for you because I know at least 75% of you are currently huddled over your iPhones with 3 of your bros like, “Dude! Just write ‘when you’re ready come and get it’ and hit send! Works 60% of the time, every time.” No, it doesn’t. If it did, you wouldn’t need Tinder. But since you do need Tinder or some other dating app that relies upon societal conventions aka you sending the first message, you also need our advice. I’ve spent a lot of time on dating apps and I hate a lot of things most guys try to say to me, so I’m the perfect person to tell you how not to approach me.
Don’t: Start your message with “hey beautiful,” “hey sexy,” or even worse, “hey girl.”
I think most girls would agree with me that having someone I don’t know call me beautiful makes me gag more than…well, my own finger. Or the word “moist.” Don’t be that guy. The way to a betch’s heart is not through her gag reflex. (Yes, I know how that sounded but I stand by my previous statement.)
What’s your end game? I say thank you and you’re all, “So you agree? You think you’re really pretty?” Yeah no thanks, if I wanted to have some guy compliment me only to be like “Oh okay, actin’ all cocky and shit… fuck you bitch you’re not even cute anyway,” I’d literally walk down the fucking street. It’s a no from me.
Also don’t get me started on “hey girl…” Yes I am a girl, thanks for noticing, Stevie Wonder. Am I supposed to be flattered? Unless you’re an actual rapper or Ryan Gosling, you cannot pull this off. Until that happens, quit using memes as your pickup inspiration, or at least check out some new memes—like, ones that have been created after 2009.
Do: Compliment something specific about my appearance.
“Love your hair,” or “gorgeous smile,” or “break me off a piece of dat ass!” See, now we can debate the merits of Tresemmé vs. Herbal Essences, and bond over getting our braces done in fifth grade by Dr. Silverstein. Btw I was just kidding about that last one, making sure you’re paying attention.
**Sidenote: This bro will tell you that starting a conversation with “hey cutie ;)” is a surefire way to get into a girl’s pants. I say, tread carefully. Some girls like being called cute. Some (hi) will want to bash you over the head because you basically just equated her to a small child.
Don’t: Use a stupid pickup line.
“If I flipped a coin, what are the chances of me getting head?” “If you were a booger, I’d pick you first.” “Are you from Jamaica? Cause Jamaican me crazy, girl.”…Basically anything involving a pun qualifies as “stupid” and should be left to my dad when he’s drunk and trying to entertain people.
Basically, don’t ever use one of these corny pickup lines unless you’re prepared for me to answer with, “Did it hurt? When you fell down from heaven and landed on your head?”
Do: Try to come up with something witty based off my profile, or point out shit we have in common.
The ability to read is a trait that is highly coveted among females in search of a mate. It’s called evolution, look it up.
Don’t: Read too much into it.
Yes, I’m wearing a Superman shirt in my fifth picture. No, I do not want to discuss my favorite Superman story arc with you. I haven’t even seen Man of Steel. It was just a Halloween costume.
Don’t: Not say anything
If I wanted to be the one to make the first move, we’d be on Bumble rn and this article would be moot.
Do: Ask me what I’m up to tonight/this weekend.
Odds are my plans are more fun than yours, and what betch doesn’t like talking about herself? I mean, that’s basically the tag line of this site. Plus if you tell me what you’re doing I can automatically rule out one place I will not be going. Unless you’re going to buy a round for me and all my friends. Then maybe we can talk.
Good luck guys, and may the odds be ever in your favor!
As an Officially Woke Bae (and also, as not a giant idiot), I am fully aware that most of the things women do in terms of how they present themselves is for other women, not men. I get it, you wanna be “girl cute,” because something something something about the jungle scene from Mean Girls. Ladies be catty, amirite? But also: you definitely want to meet guys, you probably want to go out with some of them, and you may even want to strip down and touch some of them under the sheets while The Weeknd plays softly in the background.
To that end, you’re probably taking extra care on certain nights to be more appealing to dudes. And that’s great! But before you go out and buy these ugly goddamned clear-panel mom jeans, keep in mind that a lot of the stuff you do, we won’t even notice. Consider that guys don’t know shit about…
1. Fake Eyelashes
The thing with fake eyelashes is I feel like you’re only wearing them at night, which means it’s dark, which means no one can see them. And if you’re wearing them during the day, not one guy is going to care. Like, dudes don’t sit around in their RompHims at the bar scoping out girls like “hey fellas, look at how beautiful her eyes are. I bet she’s really cool and interesting.” I mean I have a feeling this is one of those things you do for you and not for us, but I can’t fathom poking yourself in the eye trying to glue them on. If my vision ever goes bad and I need contacts, I’ll probably get run over in a crosswalk because no fucking way. I treat my eyes the way God Squad girls treat their vaginas: touch around it all you want, but nothing’s getting in there.
I guess the whole point of contouring is that NO ONE is supposed to notice it, and obviously I’m talking out of my butt here, but isn’t it more for pictures than real life? Like, all the contouring is lost when someone sees you in three dimensions instead of two? I dunno, maybe it does work at first glance, and that’s all that matters. The way we perceive faces is weird, mannnnnn .
3. Makeup In General, Actually
As a gender we have like, less than zero knowledge of makeup, confirmed by the mind-boggling number of men who’ll say they prefer a “natural” look and girls who don’t wear “too much” makeup. That’s basically our binary reality—so much that it’s obviously noticeable, or none at all. Now, I know that your face looks like the surface of Mars and that pulling off your “natural” look should qualify you to produce disguises for the CIA, but again, I am v woke.
Unless you’re wearing an Olympic medal around your neck, ear gauges big enough for me to stick my fist through, or a wedding ring, no man on Earth has any comprehension of accessorizing. Any guy who does is either gay or trying way too hard and is probably about three drinks away from dropping some sweet pickup artist material on you.
5. Your Sports Knowledge
Now, I’m not saying it’s bad for girls to be into sports. Sports are good, and being into sports is good. What I’m saying is, no guy has a mental “must have” checklist that includes “into sports.” In other words, you spouting off Bryce Harper’s slash line at the bar might spark a conversation, but it’s not going to make me think “oh wow, she’s one of the good ones.” You know guys who try to use their feminist bonafides as proof that you should fuck them? This is a similar (albeit much more innocent) thing.
Are your shoes seasonably appropriate, as in you’re not wearing sandals in the snow or snow boots to the beach? Great, that’s about as far as we’ll care. Like, we know heels = fancy and flip flops = casual, but the nuances are beyond us. And if a guy does know an unusual amount about shoes? Congratulations, you’ve got yourself a foot fetishist. Not saying there’s anything wrong with that, but he is DEFINITELY going to try to suck on your toes in bed. Be prepared.
7. Fashion In General
Most guys, I think, have a vague understanding of what’s fashionable, if nothing else based on what we see other people wearing every day. But in terms of actual trends, forget it. Like, women’s fashion, even compared to men’s fashion, is its own cultural universe. It moves too fast and follows too few rules and affects us too little to care. I’m not saying you shouldn’t dress in a way that makes you look and feel your best, but don’t be disappointed when he doesn’t recognize that it came straight off the runway in Paris.