It’s a sad day in Bachelor Nation, as Bachelor In Paradise alums Kendall Long and Joe Amabile announced their breakup. Excuse me for a moment while I go collect myself. On a scale of one to Bachelor-couples-we-actually-care-about, I’ve gotta say, this is up there. As a quick refresher, Joe appeared first on Becca’s season of The Bachelorette, where he got famous as Grocery Store Joe, despite being sent home on night one, because he was so cute and pure. Kendall made it to the final three of Arie’s season, but honestly, she probably dodged a bullet there. Just think, she could be married with a baby and flipping houses in Phoenix right now!
Kendall and Joe met on season 5 of Bachelor in Paradise, and they kind of seemed like they were meant to be from the beginning. Kendall got cold feet about how fast their relationship was moving, and Joe left Paradise, but they got back together shortly after when she visited him in Chicago. Kendall is from LA, and Joe moved there when he went on Dancing With The Stars in the fall of 2018. That feels like it was 200 years ago, but I also literally don’t know what day it is right now.
Things seemed to be going well, but Kendall and Joe surprised everyone by announcing their split on Wednesday. In a joint statement to Bachelor Nation, they gave us some insight on why they’re splitting: “We have decided mutually to go our separate ways. Joe has made the decision to move back to Chicago while Kendall will be remaining in her hometown of Los Angeles. Our family and friends have always been an extremely important element to who we are as people. We can’t imagine continuing our lives without them closer, especially when thinking of starting a family of our own one day. We both respect each others’ decision and still have a great deal of love for each other. We appreciate all the love and support everyone has given us throughout our relationship.”
So basically, Joe wants to be closer to home in Chicago, and Kendall isn’t down to leave LA. Tale as old as time. It’s a logistical issue that’s led to countless breakups, so it kind of makes sense, even though I am incredibly bummed. I hope that’s really what happened here, because I hate to think that anything messy could’ve happened with this couple. They were posting happy pictures with each other as recently as a few weeks ago, so I don’t think we’ll be getting any Jordan and Jenna level drama here, thank god.
Really, the biggest question here is whether Joe and/or Kendall will return to Bachelor in Paradise this summer, because I could see either of them thriving if they came back. Like, no pressure or anything, but I would love to get some more shirtless Grocery Store Joe footage on my TV. ABC producers, please take note. But while this breakup is definitely sad news, I would also like to make it expressly clear to Joe that my DMs are wiiiiiiide open. Just saying!
Images: Morgan Lieberman/Getty Images; keykendall88 / Instagram
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In the Bachelorette seasons of yore, once the contestants were eliminated, we never had to think of them again. They would go home and get right back on that golf course with their frat brothers! Or watch the episodes of Blue Bloods they DVR’d while they were away in peace! It was a simpler (but still very white) time. But now, thanks to social media, even an obscure nobody who went home on night one can end up making a living selling Fab Fit Fun boxes. I believe this is what we call the American Dream, folks. Last season it was, of course, Grocery Store Joe, who parlayed his social media stardom into a trip to Bachelor in Paradise, Dancing with the Stars, and Kendall’s heart. It went so well for him I don’t think he’ll need to be restocking the Snickers Ice Cream bars any time soon. This season, we have #JusticeforMattDonald.
WHAT!! MATT DONALD GOT ROBBED!! SOMEONE GROCERY STORE JOE HIM FAST #thebachelorette
— Evan Bass (@ebassclinics) May 14, 2019
I first noticed the Matt Donald love in the comments of last week’s Bachelorette recap. Yes, It’s Britney, Betch and I do screen the comments of each other’s articles for the sake of our mental health. Unfortunately, we’re still unwell. Anyways, then I hit up the Bachelor subreddit, which pointed me in the direction of this interview with Matt, and alerted me to the Twitter hashtag. Yes, I was late to the party, but that’s only because Twitter scares me more than navigating the GW Bridge at rush hour with my grandma driving, okay? I avoid it at all costs. So, since Matt Donald is the internet’s new boyfriend, let’s take a look at what makes him so special.
After Matt was eliminated on night one, a lot of people were shocked. First, ABC gave him one of the coveted intro spots. Yes, I know they always profile people who end up going home on night one, but I would argue the girl that listed her profession as “Chicken Enthusiast” deserved to get eliminated, whereas the sweet guy with the deaf family maybe did not. Matt was also one of the only guys who managed an interesting entrance. Let’s take a gander:
Sure, I was so second-hand embarrassed for him after this aired I refused to leave my bed for six days and my only interaction was with my pizza guy, but still at least he tried. And I thought Hannah liked cheesy *cough* Cam the white rapper *cough*. And finally, Matt was too precious for this world, because he worried that his entrance made him appear goofy and not serious about the Bachelorette process. Oh, honey. I would love to think that kindly about myself after a rejection. It’s because she didn’t want to bang you.
Now that we know all about Matt’s brief appearance on The Bachelorette and why the internet is obsessed with him, is he worth all the hype? After looking at his Instagram that I’m sure is not carefully curated in any way, my answer is a resounding YES. As we learned from the show, Matt’s family is deaf, and so he uses sign language to communicate with them. Fine, cool, whatever. But did you know HE BOUGHT HIS MOM A MERCEDES?!
WHAT?! My mom recently bought someone a $700 bridal shower gift that was supposed to be from the two of us, and I told her instead of giving her half the money, I’d buy her an iced tea on the drive up. So he’s clearly less of a sh*t than me. If this is the kind of gift Matt gives his mother, imagine what he’d give to the woman sucking his d*ck?!
Matt Donald apparently doesn’t just love his family, but is also a dog lover. OMG he got a puppy for his family for Christmas! Excuse me, where can I get an application to be this dude’s girlfriend? I’ve dated a guy just because there was a puppy in his vicinity on the subway before, so knowing that that Matt has a real tangible ball of fur in his possession is really winning me over.
And finally, Matt Donald ain’t too hard on the eyes. I mean, he doesn’t have Luke’s PED physique, but you also don’t have to hear him talk about Crossfit while he’s on top of you. Plus, things aren’t looking too bad under that tight white henley. I approve. And this is coming from a woman who is actively disturbed by grown men with blonde hair. It’s a personal issue I know I’ve mentioned here before. We all have our crosses to bear.
So it looks like America knows what we’re talking about! We need #JusticeforMattDonald. He better be on Paradise this summer. Because let’s be real, if the producers didn’t force Hannah to choose John Paul Jones in hopes that he would murder her and they’d have THE MOST DRAMATIC episode of 20/20 of all time, Matt would still be on the show. The least they could do is give him the chance to get a full body massage from Caelynn on the beach in Mexico. Okay, Chris Harrison?
Images: ebassclinics/Twitter; bacheloretteabc, oldmattdonald22/Instagram (3)
As I sit in my flannel, jeans, and black ankle boots, I can happily confirm that the fall season is upon us. True, it’s still mid-70s and I’m only dressed this way because there was a tick advisory for my workplace today (working in TV is all glamour, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise). But I’m sure we can all agree that it feels like fall. In other words, it’s time to curl up in front of your TV and forget the words “crop top” for another nine months. While you probably spent all summer bingeing Office reruns (same), fall is the time for new, highly anticipated TV. In order of when they come out, here are the new and returning TV shows that will dominate your life for the next few months. Please set your DVR accordingly.
‘You’ – September 9, Lifetime
I should qualify at the start of this list that not every show will be what’s traditionally considered “good.” For example, most of the dialogue in this particular show makes me want to throw myself through a window. But like, in the BEST way. This show is about Penn Badgley playing a stalker freak who becomes obsessed with a slightly vapid blond and immediately starts doing psycho sh*t like writing about her on an anonymous website breaking into her apartment and messing with her life. So basically, a dark yet accurate glimpse into Dan’s future. (Extremely self-aware of Penn Badgley to take this role.) This is my new favorite guilty pleasure show, and if you’re a fan of Lifetime at all, I can’t recommend it enough.
The first of many red flags he displays in this show:
‘Maniac’ – September 21, Netflix
Okay so polar opposite of the last show, but also about mental health. Can’t imagine why that’s trendy right now when we have such a stable genius in the White House! Anyway. This whole season dropped on 9/21, and it stars Jonah Hill and Emma Stone. Even in this ~Golden Age~ of television, that’s a pretty high-end cast. I won’t tell you much about the plot beyond the fact that they both have a sh*t-ton of baggage and sign up for a pharmaceutical trial. The plot is less important than the vibe, which so far is like every episode of Black Mirror smushed into one world. This show is good for an all-day binge when you’re up for actually thinking about what you’re watching. Invite over your artiest friend so they force you to pay attention through the first 3 episodes, it’s kind of slow to start up.
‘Dancing With The Stars’ – September 24, ABC
Have I ever watched this show before? No, and I probably won’t again. But who could resist seeing Grocery Store Joe flit across the stage! I give you permission to stop watching as soon as he’s cut.
‘This Is Us’ – September 25, NBC
You all know what this one is for. This is the show you come to when you need a really good cry, or when you want to ignore all your problems and pretend Mandy Moore is your mom for a while. Also, to get your weekly Sterling K. Brown fix, which is right up there in terms of importance with drinking water and getting enough sleep. It’s just a fact of life. This season, we’re going back to Jack and Rebecca’s first date—and Randall’s daughter, Tess, all grown up. Few things are as pure as my love for this show.
Anyone else need to watch this on repeat to cleanse from this week’s news cycle?
‘Modern Family’ – September 26, ABC
Did we all kind of get over Modern Family five years ago when it won every award? Yeah, maybe. But this is likely the final season, and they’ve been teasing a “significant death,” so I’m planning on riding out the show until the end. It’s the least you can do for something that gave you a few good years, like when you loyally wear your favorite black leggings until they’re completely sheer in the crotch. Watch out of loyalty, watch because Phil is still funny AF, or watch because you’re hungover and it comes on next on Hulu. Up to you.
‘The Good Place’ – September 27, NBC
Very few shows like The Good Place have come around in the past few years, and I’m deeply grateful when they do. It’s from the creator of Parks & Rec, and has the same soothing effect of all your fave 25-minute comedies. Kristen Bell has spent the first two seasons figuring out that she’s in (SPOILERS) Hell, aka the Bad Place. Season 3 opens up with her and her 3 companions having been redeposited on Earth to give things another try. Will they f*ck it up in a largely similar way to the first time? Probably, their memories were erased so IDK why they wouldn’t. But it’ll be fun to watch them try to fight their baser instincts for a while.
‘How To Get Away With Murder’ – September 27, ABC
This is another show that’s sadly nowhere near as good as it used to be. But at its best it was so iconic that I still can’t look away. No matter how ridiculous the rest of it gets, Annalise is still the epitome of boss b*tch goals, and Laurel still has an annoyingly good lingerie collection for someone with such a terrible personality.
‘Riverdale’ – October 10, CW
Of course the show I’m most excited for doesn’t come back until October 10th. OF COURSE. Season 3 of Riverdale is about to be f*cking lit. We’re dealing with the aftermath of Archie’s arrest, an all-out war with Hiram, more screen time for Cheryl and Toni, and some weird cult stuff with Betty’s sister. The promo shows Archie shirtless, more milkshakes at Pop’s, and what appears to be a ritual sacrifice of two babies. Exactly what you’d expect and get more than you dared hope, in classic Riverdale fashion. And obviously we’ll be recapping it.
Me all season:
The best part of these fall shows? Since they’re all newly released, you’re basically engaging in a cultural activity with every binge. Some people go to museums; you binge artful new storytelling techniques. Or at least that’s what you’ll tell yourself as you order Seamless the sixth time that week. Happy watching!
Images: The CW; Giphy (4)
Well, fam, we’re back for (supposedly) the last week of this season of Bachelor in Paradise. It’s not like I’ve been begging for this moment to happen ever since the producers started trying to convince the contestants to make soft core porn with food a thing before each rose ceremony.
This week we’ll find out which couples will ruin their lives by getting engaged to a person they’ve known for about as long as my leftover Chinese food has been sitting in the fridge, and which couples will break up, having just brought shame upon their households by dry humping anything with a pulse all summer. *cough* Venmo John *cough, cough*. Shall we get started?
The episode opens with Kamil still talking about the Russian witch hunt. He’s like “she burned my picture in a fire, she’s definitely a witch,” which is literally something my ex has said about me so, what’s your point, Kamil? Hmm?
The next natural transition here is to introduce a date card into the mix. Joe mentions he’d like a date card because he’s never gotten one before and would like to solidify things with Kendall so production gives it to Jordan. ABC, why do you want me to burn your studios to the ground so bad?
Jordan asks Jenna on the date and it’s going to involve some sort of photoshoot, which I’m sure is code for softcore porn. Mark my words. And it’s wedding themed! I guess ABC was tired of sh*ting directly on the sanctity of marriage and decided to try their hand at perverting engagement photo shoots instead. This should be good. *turns up volume*
JENNA: I’m nervous about this photo shoot. I’m nervous about fake getting engaged. I’m nervous about my feelings for Jordan.
JORDAN: Not now, honey, you’re blocking my light!
Okay, why is Jenna acting like such an anxious freak rn? Could it be the drugs, or is it because they’re making her put on a wedding dress in front of a man she’s been dating for 9 days? I didn’t know she was capable of such rational thought, but okay.
Robby Hayes walks into Paradise and I’m confused as to why new men are still showing up. Is this not the finale? ABC DO NOT PLAY WITH ME LIKE THIS.
CASSIE: Robby is going to have a hard time here because everyone knows what a piece of sh*t he was to Amanda.
SHU:
So naturally Shushanna, who has turned down literally every semi-nice guy to walk into Paradise, starts foaming at the mouth at the sight of Robby and his drawn on eyebrows. Damn, this girl is a psycho and I love it.
Robby asks Shu on the date and she accepts because literally every other girl turned him down first she thinks he felt a connection with her. Godddd this date is so boring. They go on some sort of dinner/date combo that can be summed up in this entire exchange:
SHU: Apparently I’m a witch so be careful.
ROBBY: That’s okay, I bet you’re good in bed.
While the Russian and Robby are on their date, Jordan gathers the girls around to tell them the bedtime story of how Robby screwed over Amanda Stanton and there were receipts to prove it. Ah, yes, I believe I’ve heard of that one before. Scarier than the boogeyman. Meanwhile, Jenna hears the words “douchebag” and “cheater” and looks longingly into the distance.
Cut to Shu and Robby’s date and it actually seems to be going pretty well? Idk how this girl is doing it because I could not take a date with Robby and his blinding veneers seriously.
Back at the beach, the rest of the couples are trying to figure out if their relationships will make it past the tequila shots they took this summer. Doubtful.
Joe tells Kendall that he sees a future with her outside of Paradise and she looks like he just told her she should go lick their communal bathroom floor. MY GOD KENDALL. If you were so petrified of commitment why did you go on a show TWICE where the end goal is engagement? I swear to f*cking god, Kendall, I will skin your ungrateful body and hang it on my wall if you don’t start returning Joe’s love.
YOU DON’T KNOW HOW HE FEELS, KENDALL??
Wait. Tonight’s a rose ceremony? Lol they’re still doing that? I figured production had abandoned them to tequila and their own devices at this point, but okay.
There’s only one rose that’s up for grabs and it’s Olivia’s. She gets to choose between Diggy, who is goddamn snack, or Venmo John, who can offer her the world a rose next week but only if another girl doesn’t walk in first. This choice is so hard!!
Elsewhere, Kendall tells Joe that she loves him but she’s not in love with him and I’ve never wanted to cut someone so much in my entire life. She’s like “we just have doubts about this whole thing” and Joe goes “please stop saying ‘we’ because you know that’s not how I feel.” PLEASE STOP SAYING WE. I AM DEAD.
KENDALL: I don’t know if I’m in love with Joe.
ME AND ALL OF AMERICA:
OMG Joe is leaving?? Just like that? Tbh I didn’t think it was possible, but Joe comes out of this looking even better than before. Joe, call me.
Side note: I’m just imagining these two being stuck at the airport together actively not looking at each other and having their producers speak for them. You know Chris Harrison is somewhere saying “Oh, sorry! We booked you on the same flight. Budget cuts, you understand!”
Meanwhile, we’re still doing the rose ceremony I guess EVEN THOUGH LOVE IS DEAD. Fine. The rose ceremony goes as such:
- Cassie picks Kiwi Jordan
- Shushanna picks Robby
- Annaliese picks Kamil
- Astrid picks Kevin
- Krystal picks Chris
- Jenna picks Jordan
- Olivia picks… Venmo John?! WHAT. I guess nerds are so in this season.
Cut to the next morning and Chris Harrison drags everyone away from the bar long enough to let them know that no new people will be coming to Paradise. He’s like “if you do not leave this beach rn you will be contractually obligated to get engaged by the end of this, k?”
He leaves and couples start abandoning ship left and right. Venmo John after promising to always choose Olivia at the rose ceremony, immediately stutters out that he’s not ready for anything serious but, like, maybe they can hang out when they both get back to LA? So sweet. Cassie and Kiwi Jordan also call it quits.
Lol did Robby just tell Shu “have a nice summer, we’ll hang out soon”?? He might as well have said “don’t expect me to speak to you at Bachelor reunions but do expect me to DM you naked mirror selfies.” Ah, Robby Hayes, please never change die in a fiery car crash already.
Wait. Do they not even get to say goodbye to their friends first? Or finish their breakfast? What about Kevin’s eight-egg omelette, Chris?! You savage.
Kevin and Astrid are up next and I have a feeling Kevin is about to say some dumb shit for no reason.
KEVIN: *opens mouth to speak*
ME: You should be wearing a helmet.
Kevin keeps saying how into Astrid he is, but how he has doubts about progressing their relationship to the next step in the fantasy suite. What? Does he think she’ll be bad in bed or something?
ASTRID: What do you have doubts about?
KEVIN: Well for starters, if I say no to the fantasy suite do I still get my grand slam breakfast?
Kevin says he has doubts about going into a fantasy suite again because he shouldn’t have gone into one with “someone else” and omg he’s totally talking about Ashley I. and her V-card.
ME:
WAIT. And now he’s dumping her? This sh*t is literally bananas. Like, Kevin displays more passion over his homemade salad dressings and eight-egg omelette than he is over Astrid rn. Hope that balsamic vinaigrette will suck your d*ck at night, Kevin!
Chris and Krystal, Annaliese and Kamil, and Jordan and Jenna are all going to the fantasy suites. Literally none of these couples should be getting engaged. Like, I can’t even believe they are making us entertain the possibility that any of these couples made it past Labor Day.
Moving on to the fantasy suites. Annaliese just asked Kamil if he could imagine himself with a girl like her and he came up with a very long convoluted answer that meant nothing but definitely got him laid. I’m sure when we find out at the reunion that he’s been sliding into other girls’ DMs, he’ll blame that little slip up on the language barrier. I see right through you, Kamil!
Meanwhile, Jordan is wearing a monochromatic outfit and telling Jenna he’s in love with her. Jenna says that she thinks God brought Jordan to her and it’s like please don’t bring God into this. God officially would like to be excluded from this narrative.
Jordan just stopped their make out session to fix his hair and my body shriveled up a little. And on that note, I’m out! We’ll have to wait until tomorrow to see which of these couples will actually get engaged spit on the sanctity of marriage. See you betches then!
Images: Giphy (5); @annaliesep /Instagram ; @jennacooperfit /Instagram
Well, fam, once again I find myself shackled to a couch for two hours watching scantily clad twentysomethings butcher the meaning of “witchcraft.” Ah, Bachelor in Paradise, it’s good to be home! I didn’t watch last night’s episode because I was busy living my life, but I did see that Colton and Tia are no longer. I guess Colton wasn’t emotionally ready for a relationship, which is why he just signed up to be in 20 relationships at the same time. Cool, cool.
ABC: Colton is the next Bachelor!
ME: I’d like to be excluded from this narrative, one that I never asked to be part of since summer 2018.
Moving on. Tonight’s episode starts off with a montage of all the happy couples and Venmo John. Seriously, HOW is this guy still here?
Astrid keeps saying that Kevin makes her feel like the most special girl in the whole world as the camera pans to a shot of them talking about salads. I’ve had a more meaningful conversation with my stapler, but okay.
Chris Harrison shows up as everyone is knee-deep in tequila shots and announces that instead of getting sh*tfaced all day they’ll have to be interviewed by former successful BiP couples: Tanner and Jade and Carly and Evan. Good going, Chris! Nothing kills a good buzz like Evan’s disgusting facial hair. Meanwhile, Kamil looks like he’d rather peel his flesh off with a blunt spoon than listen to relationship advice. Same, Kamil. Same.
CHRIS HARRISON: Love can be found here if you really really really want to settle look for it.
They bring out the married couples who immediately start grilling everyone about their intentions. I’m sorry but, Carly, I’m pretty sure your intentions with Evan were to run as fast and as far as possible in the opposite direction. Please.
Jesus god. Every time Evan starts speaking and it reminds me why I’m glad I’m single.
EVAN: Don’t you want what me and Carly have?
WHAT CARLY AND EVAN HAVE:
KAMIL: Yeah, I don’t want that.
Kendall and Joe win the date because apparently they’re the most “stable.” What we don’t see is while they’re making this announcement Mike Fleiss is pointing a gun at Carly and Evan’s heads from behind the cabana.
HAHA. Kendall and Joe aren’t actually even going on a date, they’re just babysitting for the married couples. Laaame. Astrid doesn’t think Kendall should be trusted with a baby because she likes dead things in her hands, and it’s an excellent point. I’ll have child services ready and waiting on speed dial.
Joe is breathing the same air as a screaming baby and every woman in America’s ovaries just exploded at the cuteness. I can’t.
Cut to the rest of the house, who are discussing the prospect of marriage and kids as they pound enough tequila to tranquilize a miniature horse (RIP Lil’ Sebastian). Jordan announces that he’s ready for kids but only if he “finds the right breeder.” Well Jordan, my dog Snowball is AKC registered and available, and after that comment I think she’s about the only one willing to “breed” with you.
Okay, Cassandra is great. She’s being super direct and calling Eric out on all his bullsh*t. He keeps telling her that he really wants a relationship but can’t give her what she wants… which is a relationship. Tbh it kind of sounds like he just wants to bang in Paradise and then never speak to her again and have her be okay with that. Sounds like, oh I don’t know, every guy in New York City.
Eric starts freaking out because Cassie isn’t having it. She dared call him out on his bullsh*t and he starts having a mental breakdown. See, this is what’s wrong with men in 2018. Cassie points out that he’s essentially blowing smoke up her ass, and rather than apologize for assuming a grown-ass woman would like to be treated as his own personal summer toy, he feigns a mental breakdown and leaves Mexico. And everyone praises him for being in tune with his emotions! Meanwhile, if one of these girls *cough* Tia *cough, cough* pulled something similar then they’re “crazy” and “batsh*t.”
ERIC: Angela leaving was really hard on me. She was my girl.
ME: YOU KICKED HER OFF, THOUGH
See, this is a little confusing to me because I didn’t see a gun to Eric’s head forcing him to pick Cassandra over Angie?? I think Eric has multiple personalities or something, because sh*t isn’t lining up.
Wow wow wow wow. He’s waking Cassie up from a nap so he can break up with her. Soooo many levels of f*cked up right here.
ERIC: You awake?
CASSIE: No?
ERIC: Good cause I just wanted to say that I’m leaving. Have a great summer!
CASSIE:
Honestly, good riddance.
So I guess there are no new men coming tonight? Is that why production throws Chris a bone gives him and Krystal a date card? Chris keeps saying how he can’t imagine his life without Krystal, and I love that he conveniently forgets comparing her to an order of calamari in a four-course meal of women. Krystal, does it make you feel better knowing that at least you weren’t the hotel pillow mint he described Tia to be?
Yes, but at what cost sweetie?
Back at the beach, everyone is playing truth or dare like it’s my seventh grade sleepover. Here’s hoping Annaliese falls asleep early and Shushanna sticks her hand in a cup of warm water so she’ll wet the bed. Fingers crossed!
Kamil says that Shushanna freaks him out because she’s always staring at him, and yet he finds Annaliese, a woman who probably peed all over his belongings to mark her territory, normal. Interesting.
Kiwi Jordan also gets a date card and asks Shu on the date since he gave her his rose last week. Logical. She turns him down, though, because she says she’s still into Kamil. She’s like “Carly and Evan didn’t like each other at first either and now they’re married with babies.” Tbh she’s not wrong. Carly literally compared Evan’s personality to a flaccid penis. #NeverForget
Shushanna pulls Kamil aside so she can tell him once again that she will never give up on them. Kamil following her rn is like his mom told him he has to clean his room and she’s not leaving until he’s done. I’m dying. This girl is bonkers. He’s been pretty clear from the get-go that he’s not into her.
KAMIL: I’m not into you AT ALL. Do you understand?
SHUSHANNA:
Annaliese is no better, though. Kamil is really stuck between a rock and a crazy place.
Shushanna says she likes a challenge in a man, but why do I feel like her challenges always end in a restraining order?
Kamil starts exercising his 40 percent of the relationship and makes Annaliese confront the Russian for him. I don’t like that Annaliese calls Shush a witch, though. Like, what, just because she stares at someone too much and may or may not wish bad things upon their significant other, that makes her a witch? ‘Cause if so, then I’m a witch.
KAMIL: Shush has no beautiful inside, just a very beautiful outside which doesn’t match my insides.
Diggy shows up in Paradise and tries to ask Shush on a date but she turns him down because she prefers her men emotionally and legally unavailable. It’s a fair point. Diggy asks Olivia on the date instead, which I think is a wayyy better match anyway.
I love this pep talk Olivia is giving Shush rn. She’s like “I can really see you with Jordan, NOT DIGGY, and you should go on more dates with Jordan, NOT DIGGY.” Subtle, Olivia. V v subtle.
Okay, I’m starting to think Shushanna’s strategy in Paradise might be similar to my strategy for dating in general: complain about being alone but never go on any dates when people ask you.
Fast forward to later that night, and Shu decides that she might actually be into Kiwi Jordan! I’m sure it had nothing to do with that hyper suggestive pep talk Olivia gave her and everything to do with their “connection.”
Everyone keeps calling Shushanna a witch, but do they know what witchcraft actually involves? They’re like “she’s all over the map she must be a witch” but she’s not acting any less insane then I do after five mimosas and a minute alone with my Snapchat followers.
SHUSHANNA: *is honest about her feelings and isn’t afraid to pursue a man*
PARADISE:
Shushanna pulls Kiwi Jordan aside for a date she plans around the fire and he seems genuinely terrified to be anywhere near her and an open flame. Kiwi Jordan tells her “it’s not me, it’s you, because you literally told me to date other people” and she f*cking loses it. She’s like “if you want dessert it’s over there, bye” and then throws herself on the nearest daybed and starts sobbing.
Side note: Shu crying in this day bed is literally me when I can’t find my headphones and want to go to the gym. True story.
SHUSHANNA: I’ll never find love and I’m a f*cking witch!
KIWI JORDAN: That’s just a stumble!
That’s just a stumble! Ah, that’s good. I’m going to use that the next time I vomit in my bathtub instead of the toilet.
IMAGES: Giphy (6); @bach3lornation /Instagram (1); @shushanna_mk /Instagram (1)
It’s barely been 24 hours since America cancelled Leo for being a manipulative piece of sh*t, and already I have to watch a repeat of him gaslighting Kendall. This should be good for my blood pressure. Shall we see what tonight’s episode of Bachelor in Paradise has in store for us?
JOEEEE. BE STILL MY HEART. Joe rescues Kendall from being verbally attacked by a grown-ass man, and all of America just started believing in love again. Seriously, he is too cute. Just watching him be all protective and adorable with Kendall is giving me urges to mount her head on my wall. I mean, she does have working eyes and ears, yes? How could she ever pick Leo over Joe??
I still don’t think he should take her back, though. She made out with another man! He should save himself for someone better. Like me. Obviously.
Okay, is that really the outfit Jenna chose for a rose ceremony? A rose ceremony! She’s wearing soffe shorts and a bra top. It looks like what I wear to the gym take selfies on the bike. Come on.
JK we STILL aren’t at the rose ceremony. Apparently ABC hasn’t been taking my tweets to heart about wrapping this season tf up, because they’re going to drag this rose ceremony out for another entire day.
ME:
Damn. Benoit moves on quick, doesn’t he? He’s got Chelsea cornered in the hammock and, honestly, she could do better. I truly don’t understand why she’s been so overlooked this season. She’s super pretty and not insane. What more do you people want?
Eric gets a date card for reasons that are unclear. If anyone deserves a date card at this point it should be Chelsea! He asks Angela on a date and I’m hoping that now I’ll finally be able to see a personality trait out of this girl. I won’t hold my breath, though.
So wait. For their date they get to hang out in a hotel room? Seriously, what is happening here? There’s a crazy amount of alcohol littered throughout their suite and the staff is being weirdly discreet about the entire thing. What do they think is about to happen here? Angela keeps talking about how this date could end in love, but I think it’s more likely that this date will end in explosive diarrhea. HOW much dairy are they trying to feed these people??
WAIT. They’re getting in a pool now?? After they consumed enough cheese to feed a small country? That’s cruel and unusual punishment. TOO FAR, ABC. Too far.
Back at the beach, Venmo John is trying to steal Kendall from Joe and SHE LETS HIM. Kendall, are you brain damaged? Because I really don’t see another plausible explanation for WHY YOUR TONGUE IS DOWN VENMO JOHN’S THROAT.
KENDALL: I made out with someone else.
JOE: I’m falling for you.
ME:
Joe’s like “I really hope we can focus on each other and my girlfriend stops making out with other guys.” That would be nice, wouldn’t it, Joe?
I love that Leo has completely given up on Paradise and wants to set fire to the whole damn thing. I’d say we’re the same person, except I’m not a manipulative asshole who has done porn.
LEO: Paradise needs to burn to the ground and start fresh.
ME: I can Venmo you money for the matches if you want!
Moving on to the rose ceremony. I’ve only aged 20 years since the last one, but it’s chill. I guess Chris Harrison was busy doing nothing and getting paid for it, so he has Annaliese step in this week to give the inspirational speech at the start of the cocktail party speech. She keeps talking about how great it is that everyone is finding love and she’s acting like she didn’t just meet Kamil yesterday.
LOL. Leo takes a route I usually only reserve for ex-boyfriends, and not only burns his bridge with these people but throws a goddamn grenade on it. He’s like “that was a cute speech, Annaliese, but if you could all just refer to my latest burn book entry, “Paradise”, that would be great!”
LEO: Good luck with Grocery Store B*tch
JOE:
OH SH*T. Joe runs after Leo and is like “say that to my face.” Joe is from South Chicago and probably knows how to make a body disappear can definitely hold his own in a fight. Leo would still be looking for his ponytail holder to get his hair out of his eyes while Joe kicked his ass.
Meanwhile, Kendall is all starry eyed now because Joe is the only man on that island who would actually risk getting his shirt wet to defend a woman’s honor.
OH THERE YOU ARE, CHRIS HARRISON. Nice of you to join us. And he even deigned to give us a little speech! How special. I guess he needed to pop by to pick up his paycheck so he decided to throw a few lines out for the camera while he was there. How kind of him.
Chelsea is the only single girl left and four guys are up on the chopping block this week: Connor, Venmo John, Benoit, and the chicken. It’s like she’s at Baskin Robbins and has the choice of any ice cream she wants, but unfortunately every flavor is poop.
Lol Chelsea looks genuinely terrified at the thought of being wooed by any of these dipsh*ts. Meanwhile, all the men are acting more desperate AF. Benoit keeps trying to make out with her, and Connor has his shirt unbuttoned to his goddamn navel. This isn’t a harem, Connor! Cover up!
So apparently Connor drinks tequila out of a champagne flute and people hate him for it. Honestly, I feel like his drinking habits are the least offensive thing about him.
Ah. It’s all starting to make sense.
Chris Harrison decides to grace us with his presence again so they can start the rose ceremony. The rose ceremony goes as such:
- Krystal picks Chris.
- Kendall picks Joe.
- Tia picks Colton.
- Jenna picks Jordan.
- Astrid picks Kevin.
- Annaliese picks Kamil.
- Angela picks Eric.
- Chelsea picks… John.
WHAT. I felt like her and Benoit actually had some sort of connection, albeit a creepy one. I, mean, how has John managed to stick around for this long?? I’m genuinely perplexed.
Cut to the next morning, and new women are already coming in. Olivia, who was apparently on Arie’s season though I’ve never seen this woman before in my entire damn life, walks in first. Like, could ABC find no relevant contestants this year to bring to Mexico? I would not at all be surprised if Olivia turned out to be some rando they pulled off the streets and are now trying to claim was on Arie’s season. Nice try, ABC.
Olivia chooses John for her date because everyone else said no. I hope he takes that to heart. Okay, why are they crashing this quinceañera, though? Is it not enough that they make a mockery of their beaches every day but now they have to spit on Mexican tradition by making out by the punch bowl? Really?
JOHN: No one gets down like a programmer does
ALSO JOHN:
Back at the beach, another rando shows up at Paradise. Cassandra was apparently on Juan Pablo’s season, which was FIVE YEARS AGO. ABC literally dug this b*tch out of the catacombs. I was still buying Four Lokos with my fake ID when this girl was still relevant, but okay.
ERIC: Damn, baby got BACK
ME: That woman is a mother, Eric!
Eric finds out that the theme of her date is “go big or go home” and he’s like “my last name is Bigger so that’s crazy.” Yeah, it’s crazy how production plans every moment of your life, huh?
OMG. Cassandra asks Eric on the date and HE SAYS YES. Angela is about to be piiiissed. He’s like “I just want to test the waters and the back of Cassandra’s mouth, you feel me?” Ohhhh I feel you, Eric.
I love that Angela just keeps repeating “but we said we were on a break not going on any other dates!” Oh, Angie. Just because you ate six pounds of cheese with a man and said the phrase “all in” does not mean he’s not going to dump you the second someone with bigger boobs comes along. Come on.
And that concludes another riveting episode of Bachelor in Paradise! My mind only melted a little. I guess we’ll have to wait until next week to see if Eric goes with bigger boobs big or goes home. Can’t wait!
IMAGES: Paul Hebert / ABC (2) Giphy (4); @chelsea_roy_ /Instagram (1)
Welcome back to another thrilling week of Bachelor in Paradise! Last week (was it only a week ago?) Jordan made the grand romantic gesture of spelling out “I’m sorry” in the sand after he let his true personality slip and acted like a sociopath at the last rose ceremony. Happens. Tbh my dog has shown more remorse after getting into the secret stash of treats in my closet than what I’m seeing rn, but fine. So now we’re left with the question of who Jenna will trust with her drugs heart. Will it be Jordan? Or will it be Benoit? Or will I gouge my eyes out by the end of this episode rather than watch these losers fornicate on a beach for one more goddamn minute? Only time will tell!
The episode begins with Jordan and Joe lamenting over the fact that these hoes ain’t loyal. Cut to Jenna who’s reverse cowgirling Benoit over by the beach chairs.
Connor walks into Paradise, but what I find more troubling is that Chris Harrison just alluded that we’re only in the middle of this season. HOW are we only halfway through this garbage show? I’ve already spent 32 hours of my life watching Tia verbally beat a virgin into being her boyfriend and now you’re telling me I might have 32 MORE HOURS TO GO??
Uh ohhh. Krystal is looking at Connor like he’s a gluten-free, sugar-free snack and today is her cheat day. This can’t be good for Chris. *turns up volume*
KRYSTAL: My timing with Chris is just, like, divine.
ALSO KRYSTAL THE SECOND SOMEONE WITH A PULSE AND A PENIS WALKS INTO THE ROOM:
OH SH*T. Connor asks Krystal on a date and she says yes! I love that Chris is so upset with Krystal for doing the exact same thing he did to Tia. He’s like “but you said you were committed to me? And you wouldn’t go on any other dates?”
TIA:
Hello, pot, kettle? Have you met the goose?
Krystal says she doesn’t want to be disrespectful to Chris and then decides to wear a bra as a top on her date with another man. Lol I would love to know her definition for the word “disrespect.”
Their date involves the two of them being buried alive and having a strange man chant at them in Spanish. This feels like less of a first date to me and more of a personal nightmare of mine, but you know, to each their own.
Okay, this date was, like, made for Krystal. The weirder this sh*t gets the more Krystal looks like she’s about to orgasm in that sand dune. Meanwhile, Connor is just feeling blessed that he’s finally in an environment where it’s appropriate to wear a shirt unbuttoned to his navel. It’s the little things, isn’t it, buddy?
Back at the beach, the Jenna/Jordan/Benoit triangle continues. Jordan pulls Jenna aside and says that he’s “basically in love with her,” which is similar to the one time a guy I’d been making out with all night told me he was “basically 21” when I asked if he wanted to go to a different bar. Doesn’t mean much does it, Jenna?
JORDAN: I feel like we’re in a good place right now because we don’t even have to speak anymore. Just dry hump.
If that’s not the foundation for a strong relationship, then IDK what is.
Cut to Jenna, who is already making out with Benoit again. Damn, this girl cannot make up her mind. I mean, it’s either that or the massive amounts of tequila polluting the cognitive parts of her brain.
Okay, I totally forgot Annaliese and Kenny were even a thing. Kenny tells Annaliese he wants to leave Paradise so he can go to his daughter’s recital. Lol I love when these people suddenly remember that they have kids and they can’t just get blackout on a beach indefinitely. I’m sure social services doesn’t look to kindly on that, either.
Meanwhile, Annaliese looks suicidal when yet another guy would rather flee the island than be at the receiving end of her rose. I can practically smell the desperation wafting off her from my television screen. She’s like “Kenny is such a good guy but what about me??”
Kamil walks into Paradise next. If you’ll recall, Kamil is the “social media participant” who told Becca—the goddamn Bachelorette—that he’d only be willing to put in 40 percent of the work for their relationship. What a catch, ladies! These must be the diseased fish people keep saying are left for us in the sea.
God f*cking damnit. I spoke too soon. Annaliese, sensing that a something with a Y chromosome just slithered into Paradise, immediately wants to date him. She keeps talking about how Kamil is so her type, but I mean, production could prop a stick against a palm tree and draw a face on it and she would be like “I see a future with him!!”
Kamil asks Annaliese on the date and they go dune buggying through the jungle. I’m a little nervous that Annaliese might ram that dune buggy into a tree so she can go all Misery on Kamil’s ass and trap him on that island once and for all.
ANNALIESE: I’d say we’re definitely one of the stronger couples now.
If by “strong” she means “is still unclear as to how to pronounce his first name” then, yes, I guess you could say they are a strong couple.
Meanwhile, Kevin and Astrid get their first minute of screen time all season AND IT’S SO HE CAN BREAK UP WITH HER. Kevin, are you f*cking kidding me with this rn?
KEVIN: How can I trust you if you aren’t going on dates with other guys?
ASTRID: Wut
Okay, I kind of see what Kevin is saying here. He has reservations about a relationship that’s fueled by tequila and Stockholm Syndrome, and, like, that’s fair. But he’s not wording this well at all.
Elsewhere, Jordan is trying to re-stake his claim on Jenna. She’s like “do you see yourself getting married in Paradise though?” Oh, honey. If you believe this guy is ready to commit to anything longer than whatever filter is trending on Instagram at the moment, then I’m genuinely concerned for your life choices. Seriously. Where is your mother?
WAIT. JENNA GIVES BENOIT THE AXE. WHAT. I can’t believe she thinks this modern day Zoolander has more potential for a long term relationship than man who is ready and willing to get engaged to someone after sliding into their DMs once.
Moving on to our other love triangle: Kendall, my future husband, and a wannabe 70s porn star Leo. Kevin tells Kendall that Leo made out with Chelsea in the hot tub the other night and he seems shocked that Kendall had no idea about it. Kevin, you had one job! Also, Kendall you can’t really be shocked that a man with hair like that cheated on you. You just can’t be.
Kendall confronts Leo about the whole kissing thing and it is a sh*t show. Tbh the way Leo is responding to someone accurately reporting on actions that he definitely did is super telling. Kendall needs to dump his ass immediately because his behavior is problematic AF.
Leo is, like, trying to fight anyone who makes direct eye contact with him rn. He’s acting like me when Dominos tells me they won’t deliver to my address throwing a tantrum in the pool, and it’s a little scary. Meanwhile, Kevin looks like he just wet himself. Come on, Kevie, you could totally take him!
After a heart-to-heart with Colton over Tia’s limp body (seriously, can someone check and make sure that b*tch is still breathing??) Kevin decides to confront Leo about everything. He’s upfront and honest and I’m shocked ABC let such a thing happen on their show.
Godddd Leo is such a piece of sh*t. He’s totally in the wrong here and is taking out all of his anger on poor Kevin, who thinks the proper way to end a fight is with a Justin Trudeau quote and not with “k.” Bless his heart.
Leo goes back to Kendall to talk things out AND STARTS BLAMING HER FOR EVERYTHING. Okay, seriously, when can we start corralling up all the men and keeping them locked under ground except for procreation? Because it is loooong overdue.
LEO: I kissed another girl, how could you do that to me?
ME AND ALL OF AMERICA:
Okay, IDK how much more of this I can listen too. Leo is giving me emotional whiplash from this conversation and I’m not even in a relationship with this guy. Check out the transcripts:
Seriously, what kind of manipulative sh*t is this? Oh THANK GOD Joe shows up to (hopefully) beat the sh*t out of him with a beach chair. Joe, you’re too pure for this earth!!
And on that note, I’m out! We have to wait until tonight’s episode to see if all of Paradise will rally together and burn Leo at the stake. Fingers crossed!!
IMAGES: Giphy (4); ABC (1); @astridloch /Instagram (1); @pacoismynickname /Instagram (1)
Tonight on Bachelor in Paradise, Jenna wakes up the morning after the rose ceremony with the realization that Jordan will do anything for an infinitesimal amount of fame, including murdering a stuffed animal on national television. I was assuming she had working eyes and ears like the rest of us and would have figured that out the second Jordan breathed in her direction but, alas, I assumed too much. She’s like “I still like Jordan but if anyone with a penis walks through that door I will be trying to go on a date with them.” Fair.
Omgggg Kendall and Joe are so freaking cute. I can’t. All I have to say is if she breaks his heart I will lead the angry mob that wants to mount her head on a wall like she did her family cat.
Leo is the first new guy to walk into Paradise and his hair is doing far better in this humidity than I thought it would. Meanwhile, every single girl on that island immediately orgasms at the sight of his man bun.
Jenna is like “my first impression of Leo is that he’s got confidence.” I’m sure that’s exactly what the director of his first porno said about him too.
Okay, I do NOT like the way Kendall is looking at him from across the room rn. He starts interviewing all of the blondes first because apparently that’s his type. I’m sure Becca feels real good watching this at home.
Leo asks Kendall on the date and SHE SAYS YES. KENDALL. WHAT THE F*CK ARE YOU THINKING. Whatever. Honestly Kendall, if you’re gonna look elsewhere besides Joe then YOU DON’T DESERVE HIM. Also, Joe, you can call me.
KENDALL: So are you okay with this?
JOE: Sure. But I hope it rains and you have a terrible time.
Considering those are literally the exact words I used when my roommate told me she couldn’t come to brunch with me because she had a “family thing”, I think he handled that pretty well.
Y’ALL JORGES TORGES IS BACK. F*ck Arie and Amanda Stanton making a cameo, Jorge is the real star of this show. Also, does this mean his Mexican tour guides business didn’t work out for him then? Shame.
Wait. Jorge writes romance novels now? You’re telling me that while I’ve been over here pitching think pieces on if Tia got a boob job or not this guy became a published author? That’s what you’re telling me rn?
They bring out some old Bachelor rejects to reenact the plot from Jorge’s book and it’s more painful to watch then the YouTube videos I made with my best friend in 7th grade where we pretended to be members of the band B*Witched.
I will begrudgingly say that this date at least had some thought put into it. Bravo, ABC. Leo and Kendall have to shoot a romance cover for Jorge’s book. Jorge has them in all these compromising positions and it’s like, Jorge, I thought you were on my side? JOE DESERVES BETTER THAN THIS, JORGE. They start making out and there’s limbs and hair everywhere. I want to stop watching but it’s like I can’t look away from this gyrating mass of hair.
Kendall and Leo finally take a break from dry humping against the nearest palm tree to come back to the beach and flaunt their sexual chemistry in front of Joe.
JOE: Why are you in a robe?
ISN’T THAT THE QUESTION, JOE.
God, I can’t believe Kendall is trying to back burner GROCERY STORE JOE after spending three hours with a man who bases his entire aesthetic on an 80s teenage girl’s calendar. I guess it’s true what they say: you can lead a horse to water but you can’t force the horse to realize she’s making a big f*cking mistake with Fabio.
Kendall starts crying in the confessional booth. She’s like “I didn’t realize it would be sooo hard to choose between two attractive men who are into me. Why me??”
ME LISTENING TO KENDALL RN:
Cut to Leo, who’s reduced Chelsea, A SINGLE MOTHER, to suggestively licking her lips over a warm glass of Titos. Seriously, ladies, what is going on here? I feel like I’m taking crazy pills!
LEO: Do you like piña coladas? And getting lost in the rain?
CHELSEA: God, take me now.
They start making out in the hot tub and I am PRAYING Kendall walks in on this. Though something tells me walking in on her man making out with someone else might actually turn that crazy b*tch on.
Cut to the next morning and Joe is already heavily drinking. Respect. He has to watch Kendall and Leo nuzzle noses from across the room, and I don’t blame him for not wanting to be sober for that. I’m not even sober for that. *sips wine*
Leo is like “I know we’re gonna have a story together.” Yeah and I bet that story will be “How I Got An STD in Paradise.” Good luck with that, Kendall!
Because the producers want me fly to LA and set fire to ABC studios, they give the next date card to Colton instead of Joe. Unless the two of them get murdered while out pretending to buy authentic Mexican souvenirs, then I don’t want to see this date.
Colton asks Tia on the date, because I can only assume production is holding his family hostage somewhere until he breaks down and says Tia is his girlfriend. I’m also using the term “date” loosely here because really they’re just wandering aimlessly in a Mexican tourist trap.
Raven and Adam from last season’s Bachelor in Paradise suddenly show up during this weird game of musical chairs taking place in the town square. Tia is practically foaming at the mouth to brag to Raven about some guy who told her “I guess I want to see where things go with you.” Naturally, Raven looks piiisseddd.
Yoooo Raven is being so real with Tia right now and it’s long overdue. She’s like “I just don’t think he likes you though?” THANK YOU, RAVEN. Where were you last week when she was crying by a sand dune in the fetal position?
RAVEN: If he hurts you I will cut his penis off and then he’ll never be able to lose his virginity.
Ah, Raven. You’ve been missed.
Here we go again. It’s the Tia and Colton show. After Tia talks with Raven she immediately pulls Colton aside to lock sh*t down. Lest he have five minutes alone with his thoughts to remember he isn’t that into her and doesn’t actually want to be there.
TIA: Raven thinks you don’t really like me?
COLTON: And…?
OMG Tia you are not getting engaged at the end of this! Just because you managed to blackmail Colton into asking you to be his girlfriend does not mean you’ll get a ring. If that were true then I would be engaged rn and certainly not entertaining the idea of going on a second date with a guy who tries to start a text conversation with me by saying “‘sup”.
I guess Jenna’s box dye job finally washed out because suddenly she’s a blonde? And did it happen before or after Leo said he was into blondes?
Benoit shows up to Paradise next and immediately captures Jenna’s attention. Which is saying something, because that girl has the attention span of a cat with a laser wand.
BENOIT: Jenna, I like your vibe. I like your energy.
That would be the cocaine, Benny.
Benoit asks Jenna on the date and I’m scared to see what Jordan throws into the ocean next. Perhaps that tropical three-piece suit. A girl can dream.
Okay, Jenna looks amazing so you know she didn’t come to play. For their date they go to the Mexican equivalent of a Denny’s. I guess the spent their entire budget on that photo shoot, huh? How romantic.
Okay, WHAT are these two talking about rn? Jenna’s like “can you go deep though?” and Benoit is like, “Oh I can go deep.”
ALSO BENOIT:
Meanwhile, back at the beach, Jordan is slowly losing his sh*t. He starts drawing something in the sand and 10 bucks says it’s a crude rendering of his penis.
Jenna gets back from the date and she. is. smitten. She’s like “Benoit is saying all the right things, everything I want to hear.” It’s crazy how the producers make that happen, isn’t it?
Lol, okay so Jordan wasn’t drawing nudes, just a giant “I’m sorry” written in the sand. I put more effort into my grocery lists then he has with this apology, so she better not fall for it.
JENNA: Jordan is being super vulnerable and I’m confused.
SAME GIRL. I am confused as to why you think this is a genuine display of human emotion?
And on that note, I’m outtie, betches. We’ll have to wait until next week to see which loser Jenna chooses to “trust with her heart.” Should be riveting.
IMAGES: Giphy (4); @thebacheloretteabc, @bachelorinparadise /Instagram (1); ABC (1)
