Ugh, kale. Like starting our 401k, getting yearly physicals, and reading CNN, we know deep down that it’s good for us, but actually getting to it sucks. It’s bland, it’s blah, and whoever eats it plain and steamed is seriously disturbed. Kale crept into our psyche several years ago, and since then it’s been assaulting us with its dark green leafy-ness and ability to be in everything from our smoothies to our salads. It probably has something to do with the insane amount of nutrients in this shit—one cup contains about 33 calories, 3 grams of protein, 2.5 grams of fiber, vitamins A, C, and K, folate, omega-3 fatty acids, and several nutrients that are proven to protect against macular degeneration and cataracts. Plus it has calcium, zinc, potassium, and phosphorus, so it’s a fucking nerd overachiever all around.
In the interest of being responsible (told you, mom) we rounded up five easy ways to cook kale this shit without driving yourself insane—so embrace the kale in all its rubbery goodness and be healthy for like, at least this afternoon.
1. Add It To Your Smoothie
If you aren’t already doing this, fucking duh. Blend together ½ banana, ½ cup chopped kale, ½ cup blueberries. ½ cup plain Greek yogurt, and ½ tsp cinnamon. You can like, add protein powder if you’re that kind of person, too.
2. Make An Egg And Kale Scramble
In a bowl, whisk 2 eggs, salt, pepper, and ½ tbsp. of water. In a medium skillet sprayed with nonstick, add half a chopped shallot and stir until golden, then throw in about 1 ¾ cup chopped kale leaves and cook until it’s wilty and shit. Add in the whisked egg mixture and ¼ cup cheddar cheese, then mix until the eggs have set. I assume you’ve made fucking scrambled eggs before.
3. Make It Into A Healthier Pesto
Grab your handy-dandy food processor and combine 1 ½ cups packed torn kale leaves, ¼ cup walnuts, ¼ cup shredded parmesan cheese, 1 tbsp fresh lemon juice, and 2 garlic cloves. Process until totally smooth, then season with salt and pepper. Use this shit on pasta, as a pizza base, on garlic bread, drizzled over a salad—the possibilities are fucking endless.
4. Use It Instead Of Rice For Your Stir Fry
Yes, you can. Just steam or sauté the kale in a skillet with salt, pepper, and possibly a bit of broth and seasoning, and spoon whatever stir fry you were planning to make over top. This also works with stews and curries. Look at you, bein’ all low carb. Plus, you don’t have to worry about the kale being bland, because the taste is literally going to be covered up by whatever delicious dish you’re making.
5. Make Chips
Sigh, I know. But it really is stupid easy and healthier for you. Preheat the oven to 350F. Wash a bunch of kale and pat it dry, then break the leaves into bite sized pieces. Toss with about 2 tbsps olive oil, salt, and parmesan cheese then spread on a baking sheet in a single layer. Bake for about 10 minutes or until kale is crispy and slightly brown.
Betches have long been drinking green juice after a drinking bender to feel healthy. Unfortunately for us when we’re already suppressing our gag reflex, veggie juices can be hella disgusting. Unless you’re a crunchy wook-vegan-nature-loving-tree hugger, don’t spew that shit at me about how you can feeeeeeel the toxins draining from your body while you try not to chew that yam and carrot concoction you call a juice. Spare me. We both know you’re miserable. Of course, if a betch needs a lil detox boost, some veggie juices are better than others. If you don’t own a fancy juicer and aren’t likely to drop the bucks on a $600 machine you’ll use on and off for a month before giving up, here are our favorite veggie juices so you can look fetch in your bikini this summer.
1. ZÜPA NOMA Organic Tomatillo Jalapeño
At just 80 calories for the whole bottle, you’re going to want to stock up on these. As far as a green juice goes, it’s totally different, and the whole gang of ZÜPA NOMA drinks are actually classified as drinkable soups, not juices. Stick with us even though it sounds gross. Instead of an oddly sweet vegetal concoction, this shit is like drinking the finest green bloody mary mix known to
man betch. Plus, all the other flavors (like organic cucumber avocado fennel, organic tomato gazpacho, etc.) are savory and delicious.
2. Jamba Juice Great Greens
If you’re someone who still, for whatever reason, goes to Jamba Juice,
go finish the 8th grade getchu a Great Greens smoothie. A small will deliver three servings of veggies to your hungover body, including cucumber, kale, and spinach. Plus there’s like, fiber and shit, so you’ll feel full and less likely to reach for a cheeseburger later.
3. BluePrint Green Juice
Kale, apples, ginger, romaine, cucumber and more come together for this shit which isn’t as sweet as other green juices. The $9 price tag may turn you off, but the lack of sugar, additives, and gagging make it a welcome addition to the list. Plus, it’s only got 130 calories and is 100% real juice.
4. Juice Press Mother Earth
This one from Juice Press blends celery, cucumber, kale, chard, and more for a really, really, really veggie-blasting drink. It may be a little extreme in taste (like, there’s NO sweet factor), but it’s not bad and is only 70 calories, so…grab this.
5. Evolution Fresh Sweet Greens
If you just looooveeee the taste of veggies, grab this off the shelf. Apparently, Evolution Fresh were some of the first green juice makers, so they’re totally legit. There’s a lot of parsley and lemon in this one, though, so if you’re not all about that herbal life, skip.
6. O2Living Green Vitality
A 16 oz bottle of this shit has 140 calories and only 6 grams of sugar. It isn’t super sweet, has cucumber and fennel which we fucking dig, and will help keep you full. Blessings.
7. Odwalla Groovin’ Greens
If you crave sweetness to cut the chugging of green juices, opt for Odwalla. Yah, there’s 36 grams of sugar, but you can blame the tropical pineapple, mango, and apple juices for that. It’s also only 150 calories for the bottle, which, honestly, counts as a meal when I’m struggling.