I love St. Patrick’s Day as much as I love any occasion for a blackout beginning at 10am sharp. But I can’t say I love the accessory game associated with the Irish Car Bomb fest (Note: avoid actually ordering that drink in Dublin, but that’s a story for another day). And if you’re anything like me, the only time you sport a kelly green hue is mid vom-sesh. As with most holidays, there’s always some Try-Hard at the bar taking up a shitload of space with her (because let’s be real—this is usually a “her”) head-to-toe cardboard shamrock costume and screaming about how it took three days to make. Like Cady Heron on Halloween, these people totally miss the point of the holiday, which is to wear one vaguely green item of clothing or accessory and get drunk. On the other end of the spectrum are the duds who couldn’t even be bothered to put like, a green bracelet or do some cute green eye makeup or anything. They’ll tell anyone who will listen about how they “totally forgot” it was St. Patrick’s day and how they don’t own anything green, and you’ll be like “please stop talking to me while I’m trying to concentrate on drinking.” If you want to figure out how to strike the perfect balance between looking crazy and looking lame AF, here are a few ways to look like you GAF about St. Patrick’s Day without like actually expend any effort.
This olive baseball hat just barely incorporates green—big W on our front. Baseball caps let guys think you’re not the type to stalk all their exes on social media and the type to genuinely enjoy the taste of beer. Even bigger W. Pair this hat with all black because we know you don’t actually give one fuck about dressing to theme. That was so freshman year. Don’t even consider swapping this hat out for one in the shape of a pint. No beer hats. No beer glasses. No beer anything. Ever. No. Thank you.
Everyone panic—blizzards are back. And just when I thought Mother Nature had an ounce of chill, she screwed us over faster than me putting my Coachella ticket up for sale after hearing Beyoncé wasn’t headlining anymore. For when your liquor blanket just isn’t cutting it, throw on a green bomber jacket. They’re cute and let people know you didn’t actually buy something just for St. Patrick’s Day because, you know, you have a life and shit.
I have a love/hate with this trend. Still trying to figure out why gym shoes shook the world overnight, but until then I’ll keep being basic and wear the subtle hint of green. Odds are you bought your pair in Europe, considering Adidas to Europeans is like America’s disregard to our recommended levels of daily sugar intake. Minus points if you pair the shoes with the Guinness T-shirt you also purchased traveling. We get it… you studied abroad…
This simple T-shirt keeps with the casual theme—have you ever seen an Irish person in anything dressier than their nicest pair of jeans?? Didn’t think so. And the green sleeves are a perfect cop-out to shirts that read “Kiss Me I’m Drunk.” Avoid said tragedies like you avoid the Stage 5 who bought you two vodka sodas last night at the bar.
5. Kale Shirt
If all else fails, remind everyone you like to eat green, not wear it.
Ah, one of my favorite holidays is upon us. A holiday where it’s socially acceptable to pound $8 green beer and take home a redhead. But because we can’t have nice things, there will be those who will try to fuck it up for the rest of us by blinding our eyes rocking green themed looks. *takes slow, calming breath*
I guess this was bound to happen because any holiday that celebrates gingers is destined to be a clusterfuck beauty-wise, so here’s a list of all the least offensive ways to wear green on St. Patrick’s Day:
1. As An Eyeliner
Green eyeliner is the subtle way to look like you barely give a shit about this holiday, and we approve of this look. But for the love of god don’t go overboard here. The eyeliner should be the focal point of your whole look so don’t try and fuck it up by adding in green glitter eye shadow or some shit.
2. Green Hair Streaks
This is for all my try-hards out there who can’t wait to
document Instagram the shit out of this holiday. The key here is to be *subtle* with the hair streaks because this can either make you look hella cool or like a sea monster. Go for temporary mint-hued streaks à la the latest Fendi show if you want to look cool and creative like you give way too many shits.
3. Two-Toned Eye Shadow
This is the main beauty offender I see in between shots when I’m out at bars. Personally, I stopped buying green eye shadow around the same time I stopped crimping my hair, but for those of you who still sport the look I’m suggesting a two-toned eye shadow look in a more subtle shade of green, i.e. not the same color as the T-shirts everyone’s wearing. Start by applying a lighter green hue with a flat brush from the inner corner of the eye to the middle of the lid, and then add a darker shade on the outer corners. Blend, blend, and blend and make sure to apply black liner so you don’t look like a fucking leprechaun.
4. Dark Green Lips
Tbh I didn’t even want to put this one on the list but I thought there’d be a least one betch reading this who likes to
push the envelope test my sanity. Even though it makes you look like you just sucked off Shrek, it is very spirited so FINE it makes the list. Go for a darker green lipstick to look more chic and less like I want to anonymously blast you on social media. You could also use a green lip liner to outline your lips for a more graphic effect. The liner lasts longer than lipstick and it won’t get all over your face while you’re celebrating getting shitfaced.
5. Subtle Nails
This is probably the least offensive way to wear green today and that is why I left the best for last. Nail color is like an accessory, so go for an emerald or a mint color to compliment what you’ll be wearing, which I’m guessing is some form of all-black ensemble.
Or you could just go with the other signature look for this holiday: blackout. The choice is yours. Brb just gonna drink until I forget that people are actively sporting green lipstick of their own free will.