I Get That You’re Married, But That’s Not Your ‘Husband,’ That’s Just John From Kappa Sig

Congrats, girly!! I can’t believe that you are actually married! I mean, obviously, I knew it was coming. I was there for the engagement reveal, the engagement party, the bridal shower, the bachelorette party, and then, of course, the wedding. So we were all very aware of what this was all leading to. I am so honored to watch you, my best friend from college, marry your college sweetheart. I was able to watch this beautiful love grow from the very beginning into what it is now. But no matter how many times you say it, I will not be able to wrap my head around the fact that your “husband” is John From Kappa Sig.

IDK, I guess growing up, everyone who had a husband seemed so old. And not just old—like also, established? That’s not to say you’re not established; your very stable nursing job and mortgage both speak for themselves. But “husband” just carries so much weight to it. On paper, you are married, but in my head, he’s still the guy that you would put on makeup to send a Snapchat to when we were freshmen. The nights that you and I used to get stupid drunk and walk home barefoot at 2am rain or shine seem too close for you to be a wife and potentially soon-to-be mother. 

Ok, now that I think about it, it’s less about you and more about him. You definitely have the poise and maturity to be a married woman. Those aforementioned Thirsty Thursday Shoeless Shuffles may have been one of those things where I thought everybody was doing it, but I was too drunk to notice I was the only one. He’s the one that I can’t believe holds the title of husband. We’re talking about the same John, right? The one who showed up to every event already a six-pack deep? The one who would go on rants about how the real world is a “scam” every time he got high? The only fraternity brother in history to be impeached from his position as social chair? That John?

Yes, all right, it’s not fair of me to highlight just the wild things he did in college. I know he’s much more than just a fun guy to party with. There was that time during Greek Week when I totally ate shit in tug-of-war and he ripped his shirt off to use as a tourniquet. I mean, I wasn’t even bleeding, but it’s the thought that counts. But that’s beside the point. I’m not even going to bring up the time when John said he “wasn’t sure he wanted to get tied down just yet” when you first started dating. We’re all allowed to change our minds. Level with me here: After seeing him at his craziest, don’t you agree it’s kind of weird that he did a full 180 and signed legal documents binding the two of you together?

I feel you getting mad at me. I’m so happy for you! I swear! I think the two of you make a perfect match, and truly I can see you spending the rest of your lives together. And I promise that I will just call him John from now on and not John From Kappa Sig. I’m just getting caught up in the semantics. Anywho, enjoy your honeymoon with your new hubby! Ew, actually, hubby is somehow worse.

Image: Samantha Estrada / Stocksy.com

5 Fall Jackets Under $35 That You Won’t Mind Losing

At one point or another, we’ve all been guilty of walking across campus in nothing but a crop top and pencil skirt for the latest “CEOs and corporate hoes” party. Not only is walking through populated streets in one-third of an outfit almost as degrading as the title of the party (“corporate hoes…” are we kidding?), it’s also not great for your overall well-being, especially when winter rolls around. Do I sound like your mom yet? Wear a jacket or you’ll catch a cold! Even if you feel hot as hell in your outfit, there’s no f*cking way you’re enjoying tip-toeing across campus in heels with your arms crossed so tightly across your body that you’re cutting off your own circulation. You may think you can beat the cold because you have on your “liquor jacket” (aka you pounded shots* until your body heated up) or because you’re going to take an Uber, but let me tell you from firsthand experience, both of those excuses are absolute B.S.

Cold air has some seriously fast-acting sobering qualities, and just because you’re coherent enough to run directly to your Uber on the way to the party doesn’t mean that by the end of the night you and your friends won’t be drunkenly running around like chickens in the freezing cold, approaching every passing vehicle looking for your ride. 

As someone who only started wearing jackets out sophomore year onward, believe me when I say it’s not worth freezing your nipples off just to maintain the aesthetic of your look, or because you don’t want to have to look after a jacket when you get to the frat party. You’ll be so thankful for your sober self when you realize she had your back and made your now-drunk ass wear a jacket out. Here are five frackets (frat jackets) that are cute enough to seamlessly be incorporated into your look, keep you warm(er), and won’t break the bank, because let’s be honest—all of us are broke as hell in college, and you’re not going to hang onto this for more than a season before you forget it somewhere. 

Forever 21 Twill Zip-Front Jacket, $34.90

This jacket is a classic fall staple. It’s versatile enough to be a great layer for your sorority’s apple picking photoshoot during the day, and to cover the bra you’re trying to pass off as an actual top at night. Let me assure you, no one’s buying your “no it’s just like a really short crop top, like a bralette” bullsh*t, but you will look a lot less like a try-hard freshman if you have this cute jacket over it. The Army green also provides a nice pop of color, which can be a good change for someone like me who lives in strictly black clothing year-round.

Nasty Gal Day Tripper Denim Jacket, $32.00

Every basic bitch loves a denim jacket. They go with everything and provide juuuust enough warmth for the walk from your dorm to the frat house. This denim jacket will give you a trendy yet relaxed look and can easily be tied around your waist without looking stupid once you inevitably start having hot flashes in the frat basement. 

Pro tip: only wear your denim jacket if MAX one or two other people in your friend group have one on too. It may be purely coincidence that you all decided to sport black ripped jeans and a blue denim jacket, but in reality you just look like a group of glorified girl scouts, and it’s not cute. 

H&M Padded Bomber Jacket, $34.99

This bomber is a great addition to give your look a more relaxed vibe. Its lining provides a bit of extra protection from windchill, and the best part is you can dress it up or down. Also, if you manage not to lose or forget your bomber jacket at the party, it can make you look like you actually put in effort for your 8am as opposed to your usual bed-rat-chic aesthetic. It’s a win-win! 

Forever 21 Faux Leather Moto Combo Jacket, $27.99

Whether you’re dressing up as a slutty biker chick (how original) for Kappa Sig’s infamous Halloween party or you were invited to a winter frat formal and can’t sacrifice not wearing that minidress just because it’s -16 degrees outside, a classic black (faux) leather jacket is the way to go.

Don’t waste your money (or lack thereof) on an expensive leather jacket. Trust me, no one in college or in a dingy frat basement will give a f*ck or ask about the $500 vintage leather jacket you got from the leather market in Italy when you were abroad.

SHEIN Dual Pocket Faux Fur Teddy Jacket, $32.00

Another basic bitch staple is the teddy coat. While the majority of these coats don’t provide any actual warmth, this SHEIN teddy coat is lined with fuzzy fabric on the inside, making it the perfect addition to your look for the winter months. You may think you can live by Cardi B’s “a hoe never gets cold” philosophy, but trust me, the second the winter air smacks your bare skin, you’ll be bitching the entire way to the party about how much you wish you had a jacket. 

Investing in any of these jackets (or anything similar) will literally be one of the smartest decisions you make in college. For those of you who are concerned about losing your fracket, getting it stolen, or looking like a mom in Disney World by having it tied around your waist, not to worry, we’ve got a few tips that even your drunk self will be able to follow. 

As soon as you get to the party, try putting your jacket in the oven (after you’ve checked it hasn’t been used recently). There’s a zero percent chance anyone in the frat or at the party will get the urge to bake cupcakes in the middle of the action, so your jacket should make it through the night. If you know someone who lives in the frat house, you should first of all, reevaluate the company you keep, and secondly just throw your jacket in their room. Try to make it a little hidden because people are allllways stealing sh*t from frats, but this is probably your best option because you can at least blame it on them if something were to happen to your fracket. 

Basically, as long as you never leave your jacket lying around in the open or “hidden” somewhere outside the house, you should be fine. Let this be your formal warning that the girls who go to frat parties are ruthless; they’re just as cold and drunk as you are, and will sniff out your fracket and steal it without a second thought. 

*As always, please drink responsibly, betches. Your roommate doesn’t want to have to call your mom to tell her you had to get your stomach pumped because you were trying to keep up with Brad and Chad on the shotski. 

Images: Jesus Desanto / Unsplash; H&M; Forever 21 (2); Nasty Gal; SHEIN

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Tips To Surviving Sorority Recruitment That Your College Won’t Tell You

Ahh, recruitment szn. Where do I begin? For starters, recruitment is stressful as F*CK. For both sisters in sororities and PNMs (or “potential new members” for those of you who live under a rock go to a school without Greek life), recruitment just might be the most draining experience of your entire college experience (Aside from pledging, finals, the week before graduation…okay, it’s all exhausting).

Sorority girls act like they survived a war when recruitment is over and TBH, it’s not that far from the truth! Even though recruitment is one of the most stressful parts of college (aside from the sh*t show that is trying to go to a frat formal weekend), hopefully with these tips you can slay the process and get into the sorority of your dreams. That sounds cheesy, but this sh*t is going to be important for the next four years.


sorority girls PNM’s
doing the questioning
chants™️ why they
rushed pic.twitter.com/DcVr5nyqLf

— Jenna Chandler (@jennachan_) August 1, 2019

Unless you go to a school in the south where you have to put together multiple outfits that speak to who you are as a person (head to toe Lilly Pulitzer), many schools make things easy by requiring all PNMs to wear the same T-shirt with jeans. This “uniform” takes some of the pressure off of waking up at 6am to do your makeup and hair to be ready to schmooze by 7:30, and provides an even playing field for all PNMs. The only downside is that your outfit choice doesn’t speak to your individuality. But honestly, just feel lucky that for one week, you don’t have to stress about what to wear. 

My best recruitment fashion tip is to wear a statement necklace or bold pair of shoes to stand out. I wore an opal choker and rose gold slip-on sneakers when I went through recruitment, and they were great conversation starters. Although your recruitment outfit may not be the best portrayal of your personality, tasteful and interesting accessories are a great way to distinguish yourself from the crowd and make yourself feel like a bad bitch. 


Unfortunately, recruitment is one of the most germ-infested periods of college, aside from any time you step foot into a frat house. To make things worse, many schools have spring recruitment, which is conveniently during the height of flu season. 

To avoid getting sick, you need to looooove hand sanitizer as much as you you’ll love your “perfect big.”  Use it after every single round of recruitment, and wash your hands often. If you do feel like you’re coming down with something, do yourself a favor and slam some tea, water, and OJ, and make sure you’re eating, because your health is the last thing you want to be worried about during recruitment. Nobody wants to hear you scream-sneezing in between rounds.


They say the five Bs to avoid are: booze, Barack, Bible, bills, and boys—or, in other words, alcohol, politics, religion, money, and garbage. Oh oops, I mean men. While this is a pretty good rule to follow, as you may notice, all of these topics are things a lot of people bond over. Especially that first one. But, the purpose of this rule is to make sure PNMs join sororities for the right reasons, not because one sorority mixes with the hottest frat or considers themselves rich.  

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Guilty as charged

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That being said, these topics may very well come up anyway. My advice would be to go with the direction the sister you’re talking to is going. If Stacy from Alpha Oopsilon confides in you about exclusively going to Sigma Apple Pie, this is your chance to bond on the DL over something you’re not supposed to be discussing…but make sure the SBICs (sorority bitches in charge) don’t hear you. Fraternities and boys in general are probably the only exception to the five Bs to avoid. It’s in your best interest to avoid talking politics, religion, and finances, unless the person in front of you explicitly brings those topics up. Just pull out your best small talk, ask questions, and for f*ck’s sake at least pretend like you give a sh*t about whatever it is they’re saying. 

Truth be told, the sister you’re fake laughing with probably doesn’t feel like talking about philanthropy to begin with, so just smile, nod, and listen for opportunities to bond over literally anything else. The girls you meet in the rounds from each sorority are pretty much trained in “recruitment etiquette,” so it should be fairly easy to follow their lead. 


As bullsh*t as it sounds (especially if you’re basing your recruitment expectations based off of movies like Sydney White and The House Bunny), the best way to have a successful sorority recruitment is to  be yourself and be confident. People always say “trust the process” of recruitment, but that only works if you’re not being fake. As with all things, sometimes sh*t happens and doesn’t go the way you initially hoped. You may not get a bid from your number one sorority and on top of that have blisters from practically spending a week straight in heels, but if you’re being authentic, the process should work out and you will end up in the right place. It sounds corny, but it’s true!!

Don’t compare yourself to other PNMs, and do be steadfast in the belief that you’re a badass bitch. Don’t get caught up in the bullshit that is the “tier system.” Choose the sorority where you feel the most at home, because your experience will be 10x better than in a sorority where you’re always being fake af.

All in all, sorority recruitment can actually be the longest five days of your life, but just think about all the kweens who went through recruitment before you. Stay calm, stay healthy, and walk into the experience with confidence. 

Make the most of the 30 minutes you have to leave a lasting impression, and don’t be nervous, because girls can smell insecurity from a mile away. If you find yourself feeling overwhelmed during the process, just remember the girls you’re trying to impress are literally the same ones who roll up to your 8am hungover and in sweats. And if you follow our tips, you could be too.

Image: Christina Davis / Pixabay; offcampus / Instagram; jennachan_ / Twitter

Betches Love This College: Stanford University

Listen up, freshmen. We’re bringing back Betches Love This College, where we give you the no-BS rundown of all the schools you’re thinking of applying to. It’s all the sh*t your guidance counselor will never say.

With its slogans “Fear the tree!” (not particularly scared of topiary, thanks) and “Go card!” (still don’t get how a mascot can be a color tbh), Stanford seems quite deserving of the nickname “Nerd Nation.” Honestly, when I first arrived as a freshman, I don’t think I saw a single cute guy until maybe January. Fine, that’s an exaggeration. All the cute athletes volunteer to move in the freshmen to get early housing.

However, if you look beyond the nerdy trappings, you find a school filled with insanely talented students, inspiring professors, and yep, even a few really hot boys. (This is starting to sound like a YA novel.) And the beautiful Spanish colonial architecture (haters will say it looks like Taco Bell) and the eternal sunshine don’t hurt, either.

Stanford’s appallingly low acceptance rate makes it the most exclusive school in the country. If that doesn’t stroke the ego, tell me what will? In order to get in, you need a perfect GPA and exemplary extracurriculars. Real examples include: making the Olympics, having a million dollar company by 18, or finding the cure for Ebola. If that doesn’t apply, then hopefully your parents are capable of providing a new library.

Yes, a huge chunk of the student population does not see the light of day because they code 24/7. And yes, our administration sucks and is trying to murder fun on campus (more on this later).

But for the remaining 10% of our student body, there manages to be a wide range of entertaining activities (*partying…school…brunch…gym/sport…partying…internship…partying*). Most of the student body practically killed themselves in high school to get here. So now, some people just want to unwind once they arrive.

Does that mean occasionally wrecking university property by ripping doors off refrigerators or throwing television sets off roofs? It appears so. (Some of the student body is also quite stupid, despite their acceptance here suggesting otherwise). But it also means debating politics in our sorority’s lounge till 4am, wholesome dinners at True Foods, and yes, a year of endless drinking (aka sophomore year, when Greek life feels all-encompassing before students remember they’re at Stanford to get a degree, not just to party.) There’s a reason that Stanford is not only nicknamed “Nerd Nation,” but also “Camp Stanford” in the spring.

But first, since this is a highly academic school, let’s discuss every freshmen’s biggest and highly premature worry: WTF to major in.


Computer Science: CS majors whine endlessly about how hard 107/110 is and can be found in office hours/at the LaIR in Tressider waiting for help. Everyone (including me) will eventually take a CS class, even if it’s totally unrelated to their major. Stanford drums into our head that CS is a valuable skill for everyone. Honestly, I can’t even complain because my TA last year was one of the hottest guys I’d ever seen. I actually showed up to his section just so I could stare at him for an hour. If you don’t give up on CS because it’s “too time-consuming” (read: hard), you’ll eventually work at Google or Facebook or Microsoft. ~ Just Stanford things ~
Other engineering majors: IDK exactly what they do. Occasionally I’ll overhear these majors discuss their workload. They never leave Green (the prison-like library on campus) and are the type of people that think college is just “another challenge to get through” aka people who are doing life wrong.
Humbio (aka Human Biology): The professors cater to all these basic b*tches that take the Core by spending two weeks on why 75% of the world is lactose intolerant, affirming the importance of their almond/oat/coconut/soy/rice/hemp/pea milk preference.
Bio (aka Biology…duh): This is for hardos who want four-hour labs and impossible exams instead of inanely absurd Humbio exams that seem right out of an AP bio class.
EarthSys (aka Earth Systems): For vegans, decent people who care about the environment, and people who want to go on free vacations to the Galapagos.

If not pre-med, any of these majors will rave about how “free” they feel now that they’ve escaped (read: given up) on the organic chemistry pre-med grind (RIP Chem 35).

Pre-Meds: Usually one of the aforementioned majors that freak out about the fact that while they’re killing themselves in Chem 35, the techies have time to get sloshed every weekend and will one day make billions while they earn a pittance as a doctor.

Math/Physics: You better be really f*cking smart.
Econ: These students are insecure about the fact that they doing a “weaker” major than CS or even the natural sciences. And they complain about the Core. Endlessly. They’re obsessed with working for Goldman or BGB or McKinsey or whatever finance people do. The literal only people you will ever see wearing a suit on campus.
PoliSci (Political Science): Will disappear for a few quarters to “study abroad” in Europe (aka get legally drunk for a quarter) or Stanford-in-Washington (a fake study abroad program in DC). Will start school wanting to help the world by going into politics. By the end, they’ll be competing with econ majors for finance jobs or applying to law school.

Psych: “I just love listening to people’s problems! Like, did you hear about how Christine got transported to the hospital again last weekend?”
Humanities: “I know it’s not the most practical major but I just want to follow my passions” … will either sell out, be poor, or marry rich.

The People

Freshmen: Ewwww, do we even care? (Kidding…sort of…Stanford aggressively loves frosh.) The newbies are more apt to be social even if they were total f*cking weirdos in high school. They congregate at all-campuses (when the frats are required to throw parties that allow freshmen) and freshmen parties (when 50 kids squeeze into an 8×8 dorm room). They also love talking about “dorm love!!” as though they’re actually going to speak to anyone on their hall a year from now.

Upperclassmen: 90% of these students don’t even go out. The rest are nicknamed the “social 500” but to be honest, it’s probably closer to 200. Most social people are involved with Greek life, but some are on sports teams that can’t rush, or didn’t join but are still a part of the social circle. In addition, some anti-Greek but hard-partying folks do co-ops (super alternative commune style houses) instead. Which also supposedly have crazy parties.

Speaking of Greek life, it seems all-important sophomore year. Really, the only people who care about it are those affiliated. The rest of the school (and most of the professors) think it’s pretty stupid. This is probably because Greek life is perceived as an exclusive group of mostly white, wealthy, privileged students. I’m speaking as someone in a sorority who loves it, but it’s still a disquieting fact of life that ought to change. That being said…


Theta, Kappa, and Pi Phi: The top s’rat picks during Rush (often in that order), and in general, the ones with the best social calendars. Their reps on campus can be inaccurate person by person, but here ya go…
Theta: Gets the New York/boarding school crowd. A few are a little too social-climby (one girl literally once ran around a party screaming everyone has to love me because I’m a Theta!) but some of them are super chill.

Kappa: Gets a lot of the athletes and has a rep for being the rowdiest, but also a little less united because they don’t have a physical house, which kind of sucks. But you’ll find them all drawing together in Mirlo anyways.
Pi Phi: This one is a mix of internationals, some studious goody-two-shoes, and some super social girls. They’ve also been on probation for about a billion years.

Beyond those three, Tri-delt is also a popular choice during rush. It caters to a slightly more alternative community who wants to experience the close bonds of sisterhood without some of the more superficial aspects.

There are some other sororities too, but those are the most popular/competitive if you care about that stuff (and TBH if you’re reading this, you probably do).


KA: The best frat, hands down. It has all the hottest guys. Between the entire water polo and men’s volleyball teams (both of which must recruit guys based not only on skill but also attractiveness from what I’ve seen), you can’t go wrong. They’re obsessed with snappa, and can be found playing it even on a random Monday night when the rest of the campus is studying.
KSig: This is the other top frat. They come off as incredibly douchey, though they do throw some fun mixers and even the occasional decently entertaining all-campus. It’s also the frat that Evan Spiegel was in…remember that whole email scandal?
Sig Chi: This was a really fun house until their Nationals yanked away their charter because the boys “didn’t adhere to the values of Sigma Chi” (aka they didn’t agree with their Nationals’ sexist, racist, and homophobic values). Just your daily dose of some more old white dudes f*cking everyone over with their prejudices.
Snu and TDX are other popular frats. SAE grabs a bunch of football/baseball guys too. But the others are probably my favorite three.


Freshmen live in either ancient dorms (@Wilbur/Stern) or anti-social nicer dorms (@West Campus). So either they’re living in a crumbling dorm with 50 years of old vodka and vomit stains the carpet, or they have no social life. It’s all up to the mercurial whim of Stanford housing.

Sophomores live in random places or their Greek houses, which are also usually low-key dumps. The fact that KSig hasn’t been condemned for stuffing eight guys in one room and, like, literally keeping a pet pig in the house is beyond me. The s’rat houses are slightly nicer but are tucked in a lonely corner of East Campus because Stanford likes to pretend Greek life doesn’t exist.

Juniors live abroad/random places. Seniors tend to live in beautiful houses on the row that are unaffiliated with Greek life. They have a similar structure with a private chef and way better community than traditional dorms.

Things To Do During The Day

Everyone (besides a few actual geniuses that somehow manage to excel at school whilst being blacked 24/7) studies a ton. I recommend working outside at Coupa or Tressider with your friends while people-watching for that hot athlete you hooked up with. Green Library is a windowless hellhole and a great place to go if you need to make yourself feel depressed in order to concentrate.

There’s really nothing to do in Palo Alto besides eat out (see the food section below). If you’re feeling ambitious you could drive into San Francisco for the day, but SF is really just a dirtier and less exciting version of New York so…no?

Besides studying and eating, people really spend their free time partying (it’s all about that healthy work/life balance). During the fall, it’s tailgate SZN (#hard4card) which means wearing red, drinking lukewarm Natty, and pretending to care about football. In the spring, there are a plethora of darties (Dunch, Linner, and Endless KA are the most popular), which means foam, waterslides, and blackouts for all.

Things To Do At Night

Palo Alto, though beautiful and surely a great place to grow up if you’re 10 and your parents work for Google, is a fairly boring and exorbitantly expensive college town. Plus, all Palo Alto bars are extreme hardos about carding.

So, the nightlife centers around frat parties. Stanford has become lame in the past few years by endlessly putting frats and s’rats on probation. But covert mixers will inevitably occur and there is usually at least one frat capable of throwing some fun parties.

Mixers with frats are the most fun since they’ll usually have themes. For example, “heaven and hell” or “mock marriage”. They involve activities at different stations. Like at a Vegas Wedding themed event, one of my friends got ordained on the internet and married me off to some senior. So I might have accidentally gotten married last year… IDK, though. DM me if you’re aware of how binding internet ministers are.

All-campuses, parties where freshmen are invited, are usually pretty boring. The room gets packed with a bunch of lame-o frosh. It’s occasionally fun if the themes are good. Eurotrash, the first big party of the year, is always entertaining. Especially laughing at all the mustaches the boys grow for the theme.

Self-ops (ie: houses on the rows that have private chefs but are not affiliated with Greek life) will also serve themed dinners that are hugely competitive to get into. French house does crepe night (crepes + wine), Casa Italiana does pizzeria (pizza + wine), and now Narnia does Bagelmania (bagels… and probably wine). There’s a super competitive lottery that lasts for five minutes to get a table, and everyone freaks out about it.

Tequila Lounge used to the one off-campus place to go, but that closed last year (RIP) though supposedly it’s re-opening. I want more 12 dollar tequila shots PLZ God!

If none of the above is happening, girls are forced to lie around their s’rats and complain that “Stanford is becoming sooooo lameeeeee!!” I don’t know what everyone was expecting when they applied to a school literally called “Nerd Nation.”


Dining halls are pretty mediocre, though Wilbur brunch is fine (they have an omelet and smoothie station, so it could be worse).

Housed sororities (Pi Phi, Tridelt, and Theta) all have pretty good food since they have private chefs, as do a lot of self-ops on the row like French House or Casa Italiana.

Palo Alto also has some great restaurants (got to feed all the tech billionaires), from Nobu to Sweetgreen.

Weird Stanford Traditions

In case you haven’t caught on yet, Stanford is filled with some strange people. So obviously the school has some strange traditions.

FMOTQ (aka Full Moon on the Quad, aka Full Mono on the Quad): a night where everyone assembles on the quad on a full moon and tries to kiss as many people as possible. Conspiracy theory is that Stanford wants to ensure everyone graduates from college with a first kiss under their belt. A hell of a lot of the students arrive straight from their mother’s wombs.

Guys walk around with bingo charts (hook up with a 2400 SAT score, hook up with an Olympian, etc.) because men are stupid. It’s sort of like a real-life kissing booth minus the paying part so it doesn’t feel like school-sanctioned prostitution. Stanford (in their everlasting goal to make things less fun) tries to discourage people from coming if they have mono. They also hand out Listerine to try to prevent the spread of germs. Since one girl gave 50 guys mono freshman year, guess you can’t really blame them.

Naked parties at Synergy: Synergy is a co-op and one of the most alternative ones. It’s literally nudist (IDK how they get away with this) and they apparently host naked parties. K.

Fountain Hopping: Jumping in the chlorinated (because ew, mildew!!) fountains that are sprinkled across campus is a freshman tradition. I love wearing a bikini in the middle of February when it’s snowing back home. It reminds me why I love California.

Bay to Breakers: Everyone at Stanford wakes up at 4am, takes shots, dresses in rally, and runs a 15k race in San Francisco. And by run, I mean walk a mile before bailing for brunch because the combination of zero hours of sleep (there’s always a concert the night before) and drinking at an inhumane hour means you feel like you’ve been run over by a truck repeatedly.

Stanford Marriage Pact: This was an Econ project that went viral by claiming they used a Noble Prize-winning algorithm to match you to your future partner should you both still be single by 30 (given the lifestyles of many kids at this school, v likely). Probably the most Stanford thing I’ve ever heard of. Resulted in a lot of interesting DMing, and sadly did NOT include a look or height preference section. So à la Sierra Burgess is a Loser, some very strange matches were made.

Before You Graduate, You Should…

When my aforementioned very hot CS TA asked us this in section on the first day of classes, he received a very blank look in return. Before you graduate? Shouldn’t you just, like, be studying and preparing to transition from Palo Alto to Mountain View to work at Facebook/Google?

However, this is my best shot:

  1. Find these mysterious steam tunnels everyone talks about and explore them (can’t give you more info than that because, ya know, they’re mysterious)
  2. Climb the roof of MemChu without dying (JK, maybe don’t do that)
  3. Enroll in (CS) 106A (sorry, I’ve been indoctrinated)


On a serious note, Stanford has been aggressively revamping their alcohol policy in the past few years. Since this was seemingly catalyzed by the Brock Turner incident, which was obviously a tragedy, I genuinely respect their concern. But in my opinion, the new, stricter policy has encouraged more covert drinking. And instead of worrying about the safety of their members, s’rats and frats now worry about losing their charters. So, they are less apt to get people help should it be deemed medically necessary. On the one hand, almost every frat or sorority has been on probation in the past few years. On the other hand, they’re often put on probation for what I think are unfair reasons. For example, one sorority was just placed on probation after five of its members were drugged last winter because it needs to take “collective responsibility” for underage drinking. Sounds a lot like victim-blaming, but ok.

Basically, parties are huge downers now. Frats are terrified to throw anything large because Stanford will take the tiniest mistake and run with it to hell.

*steps off soapbox*

On a slightly less serious note, another drawback is people’s obsession with talking about how “hard but rewarding it is to no longer know that they are always the smartest person in the room.” Everyone, PLEASE get over yourselves. We know everyone here is f*cking smart.

Why Stanford Is The Best School In The World

Besides the insane acceptance rate and despite all the complaining in this article, Stanford is genuinely my favorite place on earth. It’s filled with people who are going to change the world one day. The professors are awe-inspiring and often Noble or Pulitzer Prize winners (keeping it casual). The weather is beautiful basically 24/7. Sorry for getting a little saccharine there, but I really do f*cking love this place.

Images: Duncan Schaffer / Unsplash; Giphy (8)

We Have Definitive Proof That Congress Is Just A Frat House

Isn’t every frat bro’s worst nightmare graduating and leaving the glory days behind? Well, they’re in luck because they can just run for the House of Representative and spend the night with their legislative brothers. Yes, you heard me right. Congressmen sleeping in their offices, essentially getting free housing and not paying taxes on their place of residence, all while cutting government funding programs, is apparently a thing. It’s a elected official’s fuckboy’s wet dream, really. 

WTF Is Going On?

If a building has Greek columns on it, it’s automatically a frat house, right? It seems that somewhere between 50-75 elected officials (mostly men, because duh) have chosen to essentially live at their offices. This means they are receiving all of the bennies, such as free cable, free security, and free utilities during non-office hours. Fyi, it’s potentially a violation of an ethics code that prohibits official resources from being used for personal use, so there’s that. It’s also like, really gross. Like, go stink up your own home with your morning breath, Paul Ryan.

Remind Me Why I Care?

Thirty GDI members from the Congressional Black Caucus (CBC) have decided the party is over and wrote a letter to the Dean of Congress, aka the House Ethics Committee. They stated that not only is it unprofessional and unsanitary, but also a misuse of government funds to live for free in the office. The CBC is on a mission to take down frat row and prohibit any lawmaker from using their office as a home too. Some women and Democrats are also partaking in the frat life, but most are also pissed and grossed out by it all. Another reason for this happening is that members are already on probation for certain bros dealing with sexual misconduct accusations. Again with the frat house similarities.

Who Wants To Live In An Office?

Members have been doing this for years and in the past have been praised for how frugal they are for couch surfing. Most members are in DC for less than 150 days a year, so paying $2,000 in rent just seems like throwing away money. In fact, members have been passed over for a pay promotion for seven years in a row now. It’s almost like they aren’t making good enough grades for Greek life to give them more funding. The office life isn’t so bad though. There is a cleaning service, en-suite bathroom, mini fridge, and microwave ready to go, exactly like my freshman year dorm. The idea of laws being made in an environment similar to my dorm life is legit terrifying.

It doesn’t seem like the House Ethics Committee is in a hurry to do anything about this, seeing as it’s been two months since they received the letter of complaint. Looks like Greek life is on for lawmakers at the White House. Rush Congress 2018! It’s not four years, it’s for life until Trump fires you.

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You Can Pay An Insane Amount Of Money To Get Into A Good Sorority If You’re Ugly & Boring

Ahhh… sorority rush. The one time of year where a bunch of fake af basic betches recruit a bunch of younger, newer fake af basic betches to pay to be their friend. The only problem is if you’re ugly or stupid or or poor or have the personality of a fucking brick wall, you’re pretty much SOL. Especially those first three because god knows all they really care about is you being hot, sitting next to a nerd all through high school having a good GPA, and what your dad’s bank account looks like. But don’t worry. If any of that describes you, we’re here to make your shitty-ass Wednesday better and tell you about sorority rush consultants aka middle-aged women who you can pay to help you become a college version of a Stepford wife. Lucky you!

Town & Country did a whole write up on the mysterious life of these rush consultants, and tbh, I can’t tell if their take is “holy fuck this is terrifying” or “yippee what a brill idea.” But I’m here to say that this is the thirstiest, most pathetic shit I’ve heard in my whole life. And while I read the entire thing in all its glory, I’m taking a bullet for you betches and just breaking down the most important parts to save you both time and brain cells. I accept both cash and wine as forms of payment as a sign of your gratitude. Oh, and the asterisks mean the girls’ names were changed to prevent further hazing for paying someone to make them cool.

“The cards were stacked against Hannah*, a PNM—or ‘prospective new member’—entering rush week 2017 at the University of Alabama. She was a sophomore, for one thing, not a freshman like most of her fellow PNMs. She wasn’t a legacy, but worse than that, she wasn’t even from the south.”

Not from the South?!?! THE HORROR! As a person from the South who was in a sorority at an SEC school, I can tell you that no one gives a flying fuck if you’re from the South or not. It’s not like northerners or westerners are fucking lepers or something. And wtf is a rush consultant do about that? Forge your birth certificate. Fucking doubt it.

This Is A Case For The FBI

“She was down an internet spiral when she happened upon Pat Grant, the founder of Rushbiddies, a Birmingham-based consultancy dedicated to helping girls, in Grant’s words, ‘prepare for one of the most important aspects of higher education’—that is, rush week.”

First of all, I wouldn’t take sorority advice from a woman named Pat. Sorry. But that’s just a fact. Second of all, of course this shit it based out of Birmingham. And third of all, “one of the most important aspects of higher education”? Are you serious? I’m all for getting shitfaced and dressing like a slutty highlighter for a neon-themed mixer but I wouldn’t exactly describe that as “one of the most important aspects of higher education” for women. But thanks for your opinion, Pat.

“ will do damage control when needed, like in the case of the PNM whose winter break Snapchat showing her dancing with another girl went viral in the days before her second semester rush. ‘All it takes is one image to be misconstrued,’ says Grant. ‘I say, I don’t care if this guy is just a friend of yours. If you’ve got your arms all over him, they’re not gonna know he’s not your boyfriend. Or maybe that swimsuit doesn’t make the best impression.’ Over the summer, at Grant’s recommendation, Hannah edited her feeds to delete anything political. ‘I didn’t want to give anyone any reason to cut me,’ says Hannah. ‘It has to be super vanilla, all the way through.’”

Wow. There’s so much bullshit here I can barely fucking breathe. Did I miss the part where dancing with other girls, hanging out with guys who aren’t your boyfriend, and wearing bikinis aren’t pretty much the only thing sororities do? I can honestly say in the four years I was in college all I did was dance like a hoe with my friends, hang out with fuckboys without being their girlfriend, and skip class to go to the pool in the smallest bathing suit I could find. Who fucking cares? Are these people trying to join a sorority or a convent? PLEASE ADVISE, PAT. And god forbid a good Southern girl care about politics. Or have opinions of any kind, for that matter. There are more important things a sorority sister should focus on—you know, like contouring and shopping and husband hunting. Obvi.

Heather Dubrow

“‘Grant tells the story of one girl who showed up to a pre-rush workshop wearing a dress and cowboy boots. ‘I said, why did you choose cowboy boots?’ Grant recalls. ‘She said, everyone knows cowboy boots are my signature. I told her, maybe back in high school they were your signature. But here, you don’t have a signature. You have to meet what’s expected until you’re established. Then you can wear your cute little cowboy boots.’ Sarah* worked with Lorie Stefanelli of Manhattan-based Greek Chic to prepare for rush at Texas Christian University. Over the phone, they’d practice typical conversations to determine ‘what elements of my personality to play up,’ she says. ‘We also paid a lot of attention to my outfits. Lorie was very particular about looking classy, not wearing super-short shorts or revealing dresses. More Audrey Hepburn.’ Safe looks included anything Kate Spade, Tory Burch, or monogrammed. At Alabama this year, says Hannah, some girls “didn’t get that you should cover up. They’d show up in backless dresses and they’d get released.”

Let me start by saying, I personally do not believe cowboy boots are ever a good wardrobe choice. Like, are you hear to rally the cows or fucking drink? But I digress because there’s a bigger issue. If by “meet what’s expected” you mean “wear fucking Lilly Pulitzer like a massive toddler on Easter,” that’s gonna have to be a hard pass from me, dawg. And idk where sorority girls get off telling people to cover up. Have you gone through your Explore page on Insta recently? It’s pretty much boobs and labia and sorority hand signs. So excuse the fuck out of me for showing my back.

Luann De Lesseps

“Grant aims to get her girls into one of their top two houses, and says she hit the mark for every one of the 20 girls she put through recruitment last year. She charges $1,500 for her most popular package, which includes 40 hours of text, chat, and Skype, as well as workbooks and handouts, but of course, it’s not about the money.”

$1,500 for texting someone a few times about what to wear for rush? Of course it’s not for the money! Pat is practically a philanthropist. Idk if you heard, but she’s actually being considered for the Nobel Peace Prize this year.

World Peace

“Sarah says she talked to Stefanelli every night during rush week, usually for two hours. ‘She’d help me decide the order of the houses I liked,’ says Sarah. ‘Or I’d say, is this OK to say tomorrow if I am invited back? PNMs like to talk. And when you’re insecure, it’s much better to have someone outside of the process to talk with.’”

Hey “Sarah”, here’s some fucking advice. Say whatever you wanna say. You are literally determining what group of girls are to haze and judge tf out of you be your friends so if shit’s awkward, they’re probs not the right house for you. Is that not fucking obvious?