Let’s be honest, March is kind of a basic month. It’s not quite as synonymous with wintry death as February, but spring is still too far away to think about leaving your apartment on a regular basis. That being said, it’s important to maintain the illusion of a rich and full social life while leaving your couch as little as possible. So, here are a few super Instagrammable events in NYC this March that should give you enough footage to make it to June. You’re so welcome.
The Orchid Show
Normally, I suggest avoiding nature at all costs (all it does is ruin your shoes!). But in this case, it’s an indoor flower display with alcohol and a DJ (for the evening show, anyway). Yes, please! The Orchid Show runs February 15 through April 19, and this year’s theme is Kaleidoscope, designed by renowned florist Jeff Leatham. Orchids are the perfect bougie flower to pose with and demonstrate to the world that you are a creature of luxury. Like when Kardashians pose with their new cars, but something you can afford. You have to get tickets in advance, so get on it now.
The Armory Show
The Armory Show is an art fair that takes place on Piers 90 & 94. Unlike many other art fairs and most things that happen on piers, The Armory Show is a chic, fun event featuring art from leading international galleries. It’s a highly anticipated annual NYC event, and while celebs are more likely to attend the March 4 VIP Event, you can plan your visit for one of the four days it’s open to the public. With all the exhibitions they’ve gathered together, there’s guaranteed to be enough Insta-background material for weeks worth of deep, musing, art-loving posts.
Holi In The City
Holi In The City is every Instagrammer’s dream. The Indian Festival of Colors is a full day and night long party (so pace yourself) which is taking place the every Saturday in March at Stage48. Buy your tickets here, and make sure to wear white clothes that you don’t mind ruining so you can make the most of when they cover you in various colorful powders.
Edge Observation Deck Opening
I’m still very unsure as to how I feel about The Vessel and Hudson Yards, but that might change after the Edge Observation Deck has its Grand Opening on March 11th, a year after the unveiling of everything else. The Edge has 360 degree views of New York, so you will definitely leave with a pic you love, or at least a really good insta story. There are a few different ticket packages, but one of them includes a glass of champagne, so you know where I’ll be.
Rosé Wine Mansion: Immersed In Wonderland
Rosé Mansion is presenting Immersed in Wonderland starting on March 13th. It’s basically an interactive Alice In Wonderland exhibit, and from the website, it looks like you are actually going to be in Wonderland. Buy your tickets in advance here. It’s a fun time as long as you go in with realistic expectations—it’s literally located in the Manhattan Mall, so the experience is about as high-end as that implies—and you have to be shameless about being there strictly for Instagram. Also, don’t expect to get drunk there (unless you pay for more rosé at the end) because they give you like one-ounce shots of wine in each room. However, with multiple rooms, you’ll have multiple thirst traps to space out over the next 6 months.
The Gold Gala
On March 14th, it’s the ninth annual Gold Gala: An Evening for St. Jude: a full-on A-list gala at the Bowery Hotel. Tickets start at $175, but all proceeds go toward ensuring that St. Jude’s can continue to provide treatment and care to children in need—and that the family won’t receive a bill after. Honestly, have you spent $175 on anything half as worthwhile in the past six months? Also, the ticket price goes toward free cocktails, food, and access to a fabulous party, complete with a photo booth for you to black out in commemorate the night.
So, while we’re waiting for this cold weather to finally leave and rooftop season to return, these are the six events you’ll want to hit up. The rest of the time, you can find me on my couch (and please bring pizza!).
Today, I bring you the Instagram account you never knew you needed to hate (you still following me?). Barbie Style is run by Mattel and posts as if Barbie was Eva Chen. The account has been around since 2014, but as of Monday, it hit a milestone two million followers. Let that sink in. There are two million people following the journey of a plastic figurine. Just to make matters worse, REAL HUMANS literally comment sh*t like “obsessed with you” and “omg that jacket is stuunnniiinnnnggg” on her photos. DO YOU THINK SHE READS THEM?
To sum it up really quick: Barbie Style reflects the worst that society has to offer. If this is her attempt at acting like a (slightly above) average millennial woman, I feel like the majority of us are pond scum. So, without further ado, let’s mock the sh*t out of a plastic doll which in turn, satirically mirrors the dumpster fire that has become our society. Now that’s f*cking meta. *hits blunt*
Lolololol Barbie, you took a page out of Khloé Kardashian’s book of bad photoshopping. There’s a literal team at Mattel that works, day in and day out, on creating and posting content for this account, yet not one of them noticed that your lips are literally two different colors? But maybe this is Barbie just trying to be relatable, you know? Everyone has a pic on their Instagram that’s so obviously FaceTuned that you’re not sure what happened to their nose. Also, I’m sorry Barbie girl, you’re made out of LITERAL PLASTIC. What more is there you need to smooth?
Are you even surprised at this point that Barbie has an Insta with her birthday cake? And no, not just any cake—a Flour Shop cake. One that of course, when you cut into it, explodes with candy you obviously won’t eat—a fact that is only compounded if you are an actual inanimate object who doesn’t even have a functioning jaw and the aforementioned candy is actually beads. Can someone tell me if there’s a white girl on this planet who doesn’t have a full-fledged three-phone photoshoot with their overpriced cake? I mean, I had one so guess what, there’s probably not. I mean I’ll give her one thing, though, Barbie looks pretty f*cking good for 60. What fillers does she use?
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When you miss the taxi, but you got the shot. ? #NYC #barbie #barbiestyle
Holy basic. The lob. The fake cab hail. The statement jacket. The Flatiron building. The bad meme-mimicking caption. It doesn’t get more tragically influencer than this. Oh, and her outfit is from Arielle Charnas’s SomethingNavy collection. There’s not much more to say, mostly because this picture has muted me with rage.
Okay Barbie, so you are officially the worst type of person. Way to literally f*cking insert yourself in someone else’s tragedy. There is nothing quite like the celebrity death post trend. Like OMG Rebecca tell me again about how much of an impact Kate Spade made on your life. And we get it, you knew Luke Perry before his days on Riverdale. But do you really need to make a four post slideshow about how heartbroken you are when all you really want to show is that you’re cultured enough to know who this person even is?
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OMG this is actually so obnoxious, even for a doll. (Actually, I think it would only be worse if this caption were used on a real human’s Instagram.) Do you also like to comb your hair with tree branches because hair brushes are too mainstream? Do you have an IV of Kombucha running into your bloodstream? If you’re trying to be casual, how come your makeup is fully done? Why is there a professional photographer in your bedroom? Riddle me that, Barbie. Also, what kind of cruel being are you that you leave a perfectly good donut out in front of your dog? That’s just evil.
This is the most tragic “Galentine’s Day”. Who the f*ck celebrates single life and the power of female friendships with SALAD? Try five bottles of champagne between four girls and a sickening amount of Chinese food. Also, Barbie, don’t play the single role, we all know you have a literal man-toy made for your enjoyment. Not all of us are so fortunate. Count your blessings, idiot.
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Ugh, Barbie is just your everyday girl being environmentally friendly, chill, and sporty, riding a bike through NYC! #Goals! For starters, I would like to point out that this is in fact, not how you sit on a bike, so clearly, she’s doing it for the ‘gram. You’re not fooling us, honey. As well, what New Yorker bikes around looking like THAT. New York bikers are either layered up to their eyeballs in the winter or half-naked come spring. And they’re for sure swearing at you. Also, seriously Barbie, no helmet? What a terrible example you are for young girls everywhere?? *sips wine out of Swell bottle*
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After a busy week I like to take a moment to reflect! ? #barbie #barbiestyle
Is it just me, or does this picture look like that Prince George stirring the pot meme? I feel like there’s some sort of underlying social commentary there, but besides that, the caption needs to stop. What in the f*ck are you reflecting on? I know on a Sunday the only thing I’m reflecting on is the damage I’ve done to my liver and whether or not my ex will file a restraining order after his 46 missed calls from me.
And to top it all off, Barbie is the girl who goes to the gym January first and has to post about it to prove to her high school friends that she’s legit skinny now and they can’t call her Round Ronda or Lardy Lisa anymore.
PS: Mattel, if you want some relatable Barbie content that’ll actually “speak” to millennials, this is the type of Barbie sh*t we’re looking for:
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Images: barbiestyle (9); bedlambarbie / Instagram
I’m about to get really vulnerable with you rn **raises right hand** I, basic betch, waste an unnecessary amount of my life crafting the perfect Instagram photo for the sole purpose of getting likes in return. There, I said it. But if you’re currently sitting there behind your computer screen judging the shit out of me, then you’re either living a lie, or you’re my best friend’s mom who posts 12 photos a day and thinks Valencia is just a city in Spain. Like, think about it—when was the last time you went on a hike without slapping on a full face of makeup before ripping the tags off a pair of $80 Lulus? The answer is silence, because the result of social acceptance is much more soul-quenching than shedding pounds… or anything for that matter.
In the superficial land of Hollywood, we go to all sorts of extremes for the perfect photo op—we’re so desperate for likes that people actually created a museum dedicated to ice cream, filled with excessive amounts of sprinkles and obese children, like it was the world’s greatest discovery since Plan B. Yeah hi, it’s called fucking Baskin Robbins. But whatever, if you’re feeling super extra this weekend, you should def check out this list basic af landmarks in LA that are sure to up your Insta game.
1. The Last Bookstore
So you may not have physically picked up an actual book since you fake-read The Grapes of Wrath junior year (and no, Kindles don’t fucking count), but this downtown attraction is home to the world’s most prestigious self-described hipsters and vintage photo-ops. Helpful hint: take a pic standing under this tunnel made entirely of books, and it’s sure to send you into triple-digit “like” territory.
2. Venice Canals
If your “aspiring actor” career hasn’t exactly shown you a life of luxury and you CAN’T afford to travel to Italy on a private jet just yet, the west coast Venice canals are the place to be. Just think of the CA Venice canals as like Italy’s annoying stoned cousin—slightly a drab to be around, but totally tolerable because you’re guaranteed to leave high af.
3. Micheltorena Stairs
For people who think they’re too good to pose in front of walls with graffitied angel wings or inspirational bullshit, this set of stairs is for you! Except that you wouldn’t be reading this if you actually were too good for it. This is the perfect place to emasculate drag your bf while you two sit on the steps above the heart, accompanied with a photo caption inspired by The Beatles’ lyrics. #AllYouNeedIsADrinkLove
4. Ladurée at The Grove
Tbh, I don’t get the macaron hype. They’re shitty flavors and they’re like $4 a cookie. For that price you can get an entire box of Thin Mints. But they’re like the Lambos of snacks. They’re a status symbol, so I get why you’d feel the need to Instagram them. Ladurée at The Grove is actually pretty adorbs with its bougie Parisian feel, and as a plus, you can also drink Champs while you snack on flaky cardboard and $20 Caesar salads. Do it for the ‘Gram?
5. Polka Dot Wall At The Springs
You know the Pink Wall on Melrose your basic tourist friends make you photograph them looking pensively toward a layer of smog at? Yeah, it’s gone now all thanks to Pride Week, but don’t be sad. You may have to travel to the slums to get here but this polka dot wall is what Instagram likes are made of. Wannabe fashion bloggers live for this shit because, in their words, “it adds, like, the perfect pop of color to any outf—” yeah, no I can’t do this.
6. Alfred Coffee In Silverlake
Before you waste your money on a dumb T-shirt with this kind of mantra that you’ll only end up wearing to bed, don’t. Alfred Coffee in Silverlake is the perfect place to pose with your overpriced latte under this neon sign, while acting like you’re about to finish writing the next Oscar-winning screenplay. I’m sure there’s like, billions of other signs around this area that you could relate to on a heavily spiritual level, but I don’t have time for that shit.
7. The Chandelier Tree
If you love using mason jars and burlap in every DIY project you’ve ever done, you’ll love the Chandelier Tree in Silverlake. The century-old tree contains a shit ton of salvaged and refurbished chandeliers like the ones all over my wedding Pinterest board. Oh, and if you’re feeling super generous, you can donate to the tree’s electric bill to keep it lit each month, but really, it’s like, get off your stump and pay your own damn bills.
8. Barney’s Staircase In Beverly Hills
I hate to break it to you, but you’ll never be as betchy as Rachel Green—mostly because there’s no possible way in hell to survive in Manhattan on a local coffee shop’s dime—but you can come close to fulfilling your wildest Rachel Green dreams by Instagramming this staircase found inside Barney’s in Beverly Hills. This is seriously what I’d imagine the stairway to hell heaven looking like. Just be sure to hide that obnoxious yellow Forever 21 bag when posing on them.
9. Bradbury Building
If you’re still using staircases for actual walking purposes and not for Instagramming, then you’re doing it all wrong because this place is literal Instagram gold. I’m pretty sure there’s some sort of historic significance behind it, but the only important thing to know is that this is the exact building in DTLA where Tom gave Summer a giant “fuck you” the moment he locked eyes with Autumn at the end of 500 Days of Summer.
