20 Minutes I’ll Never Get Back: A Recap Of Trump’s Oval Office Address

Last night, our president graced us with an update on his toddler temper tantrum the goverment shutdown over the stupid f*cking wall he promised his supporters during his campaign. It was an overall pretty uneventful speech where Trump seemed to be genuinely reading the teleprompter and not spewing out the first thoughts that enter his narcissistic nightmare of a head.

Scripted Trump almost convinced me that he could act like a president, until I remembered this man wants to spend $5.7 billion on a wall he said Mexico would pay for.

In case you missed it in all of its confused glory, here’s the full speech:

Here are some takeaways for those of you who were smart enough not to watch whatever the f that was.

1. Trump said the wall will be steel instead of concrete.

Apparently Democrats don’t “like concrete” so this was a gift to them. I was under the impression, though, that the main problem the Democrats had with the wall was, uh, the wall. Not sure if the materials are a big issue here.

2. He alluded to the Obama’s house as evidence that walls are an effective form of protection.

Trump noted that many powerful politicians have walls around their homes not because they “hate the people outside” but because they “love the people inside.” Trump has previously claimed that the Obama’s have a ten foot wall around their house but that has been identified instead as just some small barriers and fencing. This probably would’ve been a more effective example if Trump had chosen any of Taylor Swift’s houses, which all have massive walls to protect her from crazy and dangerous stalkers. I’m sure if Taylor had an influx of women and children seeking asylum in her home, she’d have to reevaluate.

3. He used “fear over facts” as a way to fuel xenophobia.

After the speech, Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi, and Senator Chuck Schumer weighed in on what was said and accused the president of using “fear over facts.” Trump cited many examples of American citizens who were the victims of horrific crimes caused by illegal immigrants. What he didn’t take into account, though, is that the crime rate among American citizens is much higher than the crime rate among illegal immigrants. Doesn’t cherry-picking examples of a few terrible people to make a case against thousands of good ones sound like the argument that Republicans hate about gun control? Nobody wants criminals in our country.

4. The wall will cost $5.7 billion, but it’ll quickly “pay for itself” through a new Mexico trade deal.

Welles Orr, who worked on the original NAFTA agreement as the Assistant U.S. Trade Representative for Congressional Affairs under George H.W. Bush, told TIME that, “Trade agreements are designed to reduce regulatory hurdles. Most of our tariffs are zero, or very, very low.” Even if the new agreement did add tariffs, the money wouldn’t be put directly toward a wall or any other particular project. Instead, it would be put into the United States Treasury fund.

5. The wall will stop drug trafficking?

Trump said, “Every week 300 of our citizens are killed by heroin alone, 90% of which floods across from our southern border. More Americans will die from drugs this year than were killed in the entire Vietnam War.” This is, unfortunately, very true. Our country is experiencing an opioid epidemic and 90% of heroin comes from Mexico. However, according to the U.S. Drug Enforcement Agency’s (DEA) 2018 National Drug Threat Assessment, the vast majority of heroin enters the country through legal ports of entry and not the empty spaces in the border that the wall would “block.”

Honestly, what’s the point of having a reality television star as president if he just won’t pay for his own ideas? Build the wall, have Trump pay for it.

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The Most Random Things Affected By The Government Shutdown

It’s been two years since Trump took office and the government has already stopped functioning…for the second time. It is literally shut down. TBH, it’s felt like the government has been out of biz for Trump’s entire term, but I guess it’s official now. Amaze.

So WTF even happens during a government shutdown? Does this means the news stops? Ugh, unfortunately not. Trump keeps spewing tweet-vomit and meanwhile government run businesses are forced to shut down. During a government shutdown, services that are considered “essential” remain open, while others that are considered “nonessential” have to close their doors. We made a list of things you would not expect to shutdown, apart from like, people’s paychecks and whole livelihoods and ability to feed their families and sh*t. Feel free to use this list at the brunch you’re attending this morning because we all know the government ditching work is as good excuse as any for us to also ditch work.

Gun Permits

So sorry to anyone who is supes horny for the second amendment, because during a gov shutdown you cannot apply for a gun permit. So sad.

Smithsonian Panda Cams

Okay, this one is seriously fucked up. The notorious Panda Cam is at the Smithsonian Zoo and is essentially a live stream of several pandas. It’s like Instagram Live but instead of your annoying coworker talking about her soul cycle class it’s just pandas. PANDAS. The camera is still operating at the moment, but if the government shutdown continues, it could turn off. You can take our government, and you can take our guns, but you CANNOT take our panda cam.

The Military’s TV Network

So apparently the military has their own TV network and it was shut off during the last shutdown. But nobody worry, because they found a loophole that allows the AFN (Armed Forces Network) to broadcast NFL games. Trump has tried to blame the Democrats for this shutdown and has claimed it will affect our military the most, but them almost missing the big game on Sunday seems to be the biggest drama thus far.

The National Christmas Tree

For an administration that wants to end the war on Christmas, it sure is making this one suck ass. The National Christmas tree in D.C. has gone dark as a result of the shutdown. So Trump literally is the Grinch, Mr. Potter, and Scrooge all rolled into one horrible orange being. Cool. (Note: NORAD has said that the government Santa Tracker for Christmas eve will not be affected thank GOD.)

National Parks

Sorry to anyone whose family planned to visit a national park during Christmas because they are shut the f*ck down. And if you’re wondering how something that occurs in nature can be “shut down,” this means that admissions, park rangers, tours, and basically everything that protects you from falling off a cliff or getting eaten by a bear won’t be there. Fantastic. At Yellowstone, the park service announced it will keep access to the park open, but other services “like restrooms” won’t be available. Have fun sh*tting in the woods!

The Violence Against Women Act

Here’s something fun! And by “fun” I mean “something so depressing it makes The Notebook look like Anchorman. As a result of the partial government shutdown, the Violence Against Women Act has expired. The landmark act was passed in 1994 and funds programs to help victims of sexual assault, domestic abuse, and stalking. What the f*ck kind of a government would let an act that literally only exists to help victims of violence against women expire? **That’s So Raven-esque flashback to Trump’s entire grab ’em by the pussy speech** Oh right, that kind..

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!

A Non-Boring Look At WTF A Government Shutdown Means

In case you were overwhelmed by the sexual assault reckoning, the president calling other countries “shitholes”, the fake missile alert in Hawaii, or just abandoned the Internet for life of solitude on a secluded ranch rural Wyoming (highly recommend), you might have missed the news that we’re quite possibly facing a government shutdown this week.

The last time this happened was 2013, a blissful year when Obama was president, Twitter was for funny jokes and not horrifying updates, and we were still allowed to not keep up with the news without fear of losing all our rights or dying via nuclear missile. Brb, I’m tearing up thinking about the youthful days of blissful ignorance.

You may not have paid attention last time around because you didn’t have to, but we as a society no longer have that kind of luxury. Unsure what a government shutdown entails? Don’t worry babes, we have you covered.

WTF Is A Government Shutdown?

In its most basic definition, a government shutdown means that all non-essential discretionary programs close down. In your head, non-essential probably means, like, the interns who grab Paul Ryan’s no-doubt extra-hot-extra-foamy-breve-caramel-drizzle-hazelnut-latte every morning, but in reality it’s just about everything.

Why TF Does This Happen?

Government shut downs happens when Congress can’t agree on funding for the next fiscal year, which is supposed to happen around April, or when they fail to pass a “continuing resolution.” So far, our government has been procrastinating this deadline hard, and asked for several extentions. We’ve already punted this deadline twice using continuing resolutions and stopgap measures, and we’re finally at the point where the professor doesn’t believe your lies anymore, and the budget is fucking due Friday. 

I know that, right now, the thought of the government just stopping whatever the fuck they’re doing sounds like a dream, but it’s actually a way bigger problem than that. In 2013 when the government shut down because they couldn’t pull together a continuing resolution, it cost the economy $24 billion. I mean, sure, Beyoncé and Jay-Z could have pulled that money together and thrown America a bone, but it was still a pretty significant loss for the rest of us.

WTF Happens When The Government Shuts Down?

A lot of shit. Or, more aptly, a lot of shit doesn’t happen. Sure, we might be granted a reprieve from seeing the molding yam President Trump on TV every single day, but some other very important things get thrown to the wayside.

·      800,000 people who work in the public sector get sent home for an indefinite period of time with no promise of pay. As if working for the government wasn’t rough enough. Exceptions to this rule include rescue services, law enforcement, immigration services, dam and power line maintenance, and people who overlook nuclear safety. Honestly how embarrassing but also ironic would it be if we just fucking bombed ourselves at this point? The perfect ending to 2017 in my opinion.

·      Trash collection stops in DC. I kind of figured the streets of DC were already overrun with garbage and debris, but I guess this would make that official.

·      The economy gets wrecked. For reference, see the $24 billion dollar loss noted above.

·      National parks, museums, and galleries shut down. Who needs culture when the government is crumbling?

·      Oh, and perhaps most importantly, all those senators, representatives, and the racist and possessed pumpkins who hold the office of President still get fucking paid.

Why TF Is This Happening?

Because it’s 2017 and anything shitty that could happen will absolutely happen.

More specifically, our government will possibly shut down January 19th because that’s when the latest continuing resolution expires. All this is coming down to a bipartisan immigration bill to protect the 800,000 DACA recipients who will lose their status soon if Congress doesn’t act. 

WTF Democrats Want (Besides A Do-Over Election)?

Some god damn peace and quiet. JK. Republicans need Democratic votes to fund the government, and the Democrats are saying they will withold their votes unless Congress acts on DACA. Since the Dems are in the minority, votes like this are the only way to force through some parts of their agenda, and they’re def not backing down any time soon. I mean, unless they do something totally stupid and ruin their chances in some spectacularly incompetent fashion. But Democrats would neeeeverr do that….

WTF Do Republicans Want?

Mainly, the Republicans just want the government to stay open because they’re in charge of it and it is not a good look to have it shut down. Unfortunately, to keep it open, they need Democratic votes, meaning they have to play ball with the Dems on this whole immigration thing. As far as the bipartisan immigration bill goes, Republicans want more “border security,” which usually means increased fencing, more border security agents, etc…but in Trump era it means the stupid fucking wall, which would be a yuge mistake. 


Does Anyone Want This To Happen?

Of course not, because government shutdowns mean suffering for a lot of people and a complete stall in any kind of political progress.

Oh wait, just kidding, the fucking president is all for it.
Since the start of this government shutdown drama, he’s been telling “confidants” who immediately ran to the Washington Post, that a government shutdown would be “good for him politically.”

This is the same logic you used in high school when things got stressful and work started piling up and you realized that maybe you aren’t as smart as your third grade teacher lead you to believe so you fake sick for two days to try and hide from the overwhelming pressure of it all. Remember how well that worked for you?

So What’s Next?

A lot of drinking praying, I guess? 

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!