I think we can all wholeheartedly agree that this season of Game of Thrones was the most rushed, poorly written ending to a series since Lost. It inspired rage that hearkened back to the “Don’t Stop Believin'” ending for Tony and The Sopranos. At least while George “I can’t finish a book” RR Martin was providing source material, DB and David could keep our characters and story lines on an acceptable, timely track. This season, we had a woman make a split-second decision to kill literally everyone, Jon Snow suddenly know how to ride a dragon, Varys suddenly forget how to be the sneaky bitch he was for 10 years (RIP tho), and Jamie go all the way through his character arc just to do a total 180 and end up right where he was before—banging his sister.
A few good things to come of this season include Ghost surviving, Sansa becoming the true boss bitch she is (and staying independent in her fashionable winter wardrobe), and Robin Arryn getting REALLY HOT since we last saw him. Even though the series is over, we have a LOT of questions that demand answers regarding this entire season and series, into which I have poured countless hours crying, reading Reddit theories, and arguing about predictability via Instagram. Shall we?
What Happens When Drogon Comes Back?
I have a LOT of questions pertaining to Drogon, who I incorrectly predicted would die by the end of this season. As a note, I think I felt more feelings for this dragon than any human-related plot or interaction in the last six episodes, which is saying something, and that something ain’t great. Who else had major Lion King flashbacks when Drogon gently nudged a v dead Dany to get up cause “we gotta go home, mom”? I thought I’d gotten past that as an adult, but apparently not. More importantly, once Drogon picked up his mommy and flew off, where’d he go? What happens when he comes back? Is he going to destroy a different city in the meantime? Do dragons have a grasp on death? Can they feel feelings? Additionally, why did Drogon burn the throne and not the dude who clearly JUST STABBED HIS MOM? Does he have something against swords? Thrones? Sword thrones? Maybe DB and David read him the script ahead of time? I demand a dedicated series to Drogon and his fun-filled exploits around the world.
Or does she found the flat earth movement? That honestly seems like something she’d do. I can’t even truly express how much I don’t give a sh*t about Arya’s exploits. But I do have a few questions about her entire character arc that led up to her conquistador moment. What’s going to happen to all the faces in her bag? Is she going to entertain the crew with a one-woman puppet show? F*ck if I know (or care). Additionally, where’d she get that boat? What happens when there is no land West of Westeros? Where’d she find a crew willing to sail under someone with little to no exploratory experience? Is she going to eventually go back to Winterfell to piss Sansa off? Stay tuned, I guess.
Will Jon Snow Ever Be Happy?
This poor f*cking guy has been stabbed, had to watch two girlfriends die, never had a mommy, and definitely has some deep-seated psychological issues after what he’s been through. He has a handful of friends who tend to die, and when he finally has a cause to rally behind, said cause ends up being a genocidal maniac who dabbles in incest. So, what? Now he’s going to f*ck off up north with a bunch of questionably-fashioned homeless folks, a heartbroken ginger, and his CGI good boi for the rest of forever? Justice for Jon Snow. Also, why is there even a Night’s Watch? I’m pretty sure we killed all the dead things in episode 3, made peace with the Wildlings several episodes (seasons?) ago, and have no threat looming north of the wall except for hypothermia.
When Did Dany Lose Her Sh*t?
This has been a question floating around since episode 5 when Dany decided to unleash Drogon’s fire breath on the entirety of King’s Landing. What, exactly, set Dany off course from white savior of Essos and Breaker of Chains to blathering psycho intent on burning cities, banging nephews, and becoming a more attractive medieval Hitler? I have a hard time believing that Jon refusing to make out with her was the straw that broke the Khaleesi’s back. Missandei dying, Rhaegal dying, and her nephew refusing to snuggle—all combined—make for a pretty sh*tty week, but, again, it seems like a stretch that a few sad events caused Dany to have a true mental break and lecture Jon about what’s good vs. what isn’t good.
Will Grey Worm Captain An Award-Winning Volleyball Team On Naath?
Grey Worm pissed me (and the rest of the internet) off this episode, but at least he’s out of Westeros on his way to a very odd beach retreat with the boys. Part of me is happy for him and his newfound peace in Naath, but I’m slightly incensed that this guy that helped kill innocents in King’s Landing gets a happier ending than Jon Snow. Grey Worm, I was rooting for you and Missandei, but sometimes things just don’t work out. Here’s hoping you get a stellar tan and find a great piña colada stand in Naath, though.
Is Bran’s Wheelchair The New Throne?
F*ck Bran and f*ck everyone that voted him into office. Let’s backtrack: if Bran hadn’t been climbing that f*cking tower way back in season 1, he would have been able to mind his own goddamn business and let Jamie and Cersei get their freak on in peace, erasing the need for the war of the five kings,, allowing Robert’s dudes to successfully kill Dany, and letting this whole series never consume my life only to disappoint me and let me down like everything else I’ve ever loved. I mean, Robb would still be alive with a kid and gorgeous wife! So would Joffrey, but, you know, we gotta take the good with the bad, fam. Anyway, f*ck you, Bran, and your weird staring. I hope Drogon comes back and snacks on your crunchy little legs. Speaking of Bran…
Did Bran Know Everything The Whole Time?
…and just piss everyone off with his white Walker hunts and three-eyed-raven bullsh*t and long, lingering stares? What an asshole. So you can see into the future? Why the f*ck didn’t you tell Jon to be more sneaky about killing Dany? Maybe he could have been happy for once in his life! Does that mean nothing to you? Why didn’t you stop Dany from killing millions of innocent people? Was that not on your to-do list for the week? Where do you get off, Bran? Oh, wait—you don’t. You knew that this whole thing ended up with you on the throne, and yet you continued to f*ck around with everyone’s thoughts and feelings for several seasons while we all waited for you to do SOMETHING, ANYTHING worthwhile. What was the actual point of revealing that Jon was a Targaryen? I’m glad Tyrion christened you “Bran the Broken” cause it’s not even a cool nickname and, honestly, you don’t deserve anything cool anymore.
Does Ghost Know He’s A Good Boy?
…and is he getting enough pets up north? Even if the entire rest of the episode (and season) was a dumpster fire, the fact that Jon gave Ghost pets and snuggles made everything kind of okay. I’m willing to overlook the absolute piss writing just for the good boi moment in the gif above. Further, I’m really glad to see that this season’s entire budget went to CGI Ghost and CGI not-such-a-good-boi Drogon instead of character development. I’ll miss you both; keep it real.
Do The Unsullied Moonlight As Civil Engineers?
…cause that Hand of the King room looked like it definitely didn’t get blown to sh*t a few weeks prior. I know it takes roughly six months to address the potholes on my road, so, just saying. In the beginning of this episode, I’m 90% sure that roughly 75% of King’s Landing—especially the Red Keep—was beat to sh*t. Are we to assume that instead of getting right on building a hospital (and burn ward), the carpenters, stone masons, and civil engineers of Westeros went right the f*ck to town on the room where rulers can keep rulin’? I mean, maybe there’s literally no one left, so, ya know, no real need for a medical unit at this point. I guess I’m just kind of surprised at the level of priorities here.
Who Was Braiding Dany’s Hair After Missandei Died?
I know from rewatching this series several times that Dany’s elaborate Coachella-worthy braid crowns were the handiwork of our fav multilingual betch, Missandei (RIP). So, once The Mountain and Cersei decided to make the former citizen of Naath a head shorter, who was doing Dany’s hair? It looked pretty fetch while she stood and addressed the Dothraki and Unsullied in episode 6. More so, it looked super grool while she rode Drogon and destroyed King’s Landing in episode 5. Are we to believe that Jon’s talents include hair plaiting and accessorizing? Seems like more of a Varys thing, but whatever. Or maybe it was Pod all along! Honestly, that makes the most sense to me.
Let me know in the comments any other burning questions that the Game of Thrones writers didn’t have time to answer. Other than that, it’s been real!
Images: Giphy (10)
It’s no secret that the relationships in Game of Thrones are…messy. You thought dating in New York was rough? Welcome to the Seven Kingdoms, where you might accidentally fall in love with your aunt and be none the wiser. Yikes. Awkward that we all spent seasons shipping a nephew and his aunt. If only the Lords and Ladies of Westeros had a dating app like Ship, maybe they’d spend more time hooking up with their local (not blood related) hotties rather than plotting the death of everyone around them. Or like, maybe that could stop all the incest. Maybe???
But since Ship doesn’t exist in the Westeros, we’ve gone ahead and decided what the ideal Game of Thrones pairs would be for them. All of the following matches ignore current relationships on the show and operate in a blissful world where no one has died and the Battle of Winterfell didn’t devastate us beyond repair. I’m not ready to talk about it.
Robb Stark & Margaery Tyrell
Admittedly, this started as an aesthetic pairing more than anything else. Robb and Margaery would have been the hottest couple in Westeros, full stop. But the more I think about it, the better this couple becomes. Maybe Robb’s dumb ass would have stayed alive if he had had someone as cunning and manipulative as Margaery by his side. The might of the Starks and the scheming of the Tyrell’s working together against the Lannisters? Cersei is shaking. Sure, Margaery would have frozen to death at Winterfell in those Nasty Gal cutout dresses of hers, but love comes with sacrifice.
Cersei Lannister & Oberyn Martell
Okay, hear me out. Yes, these two despise each other. Yes, there’s a lot of baggage there. Yes, Cersei indirectly murdered Oberyn and much of his family, but to be fair she’s indirectly murdered a lot of people. I think all of that could be overcome, based solely on the blatant sexual tension that existed between these two on screen. Perhaps this could have something to do with the rumors that Lena Heady and Pedro Pascal are an item in real life, but I think it goes even beyond that. They’d be the couple that fights constantly just so they can have over the top make up sex, and I, for one, would be okay with that.
Sansa Stark & Podrick Payne
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: my true dream for Sansa is that she survives all the sh*t that’s about to happen and goes on to live a long, fulfilling, single life with zero men and one hundred wolves by her side. Just the Lady of Winterfell, existing in total peace, surrounded by her pack of loyal dogs. However, if I had to pair her with anyone, it would be Sex God Podrick Payne. After years of relentless mental and physical abuse, our girl Sansa has earned a lifetime of good dick and being sung to sleep, two areas that we know Podrick can deliver in.
Yara Greyjoy & Daenerys Targaryen
The lesbian power couple that Westeros needs. Remember the raging sexual tension? The cavalier marriage proposal? The smirks? This one writes itself. I give Daenerys one more week of Jon’s brooding before she flies off to the Iron Islands to live a zombie-free life with her girlfriend.
Jaime & Literally Anyone Who Isn’t His Sister
Obviously Brienne is my first choice here, but I’m not going to be picky. Let’s do some quick math and breakdown just how many people Jaime could be sleeping with that aren’t his sister. According to a series of fan blogs and what appears to be an insane amount of research into populations and migration habits and world building, it is estimated that there are around 40 million people in Westeros. Even if there are 1 million distantly related Lannisters (there aren’t), that leaves 39 million people for Jaime to be in a relationship with. If we continue to operate under the assumption that Jaime is straight, as he’s never given us any indication otherwise, and cut that number in half, we’re down to 19.5 million. Now let’s assume that only a third of those women are viable contenders age-wise for Jaime, which brings us to about 6.5 million. Maybe only 1% of those 6.5 million are in a high enough class to land the great Ser Jaime Lannister. I get it, he’s not going to end up with a commoner. That still leaves him 65,000 options.
I ship Jaime with literally any of them over his twin sister. Unfortunately, all we can do IRL is watch Game of Thrones and hope we make it out with at least one successful relationship. But if you’re a person who would rather take a more active role in the love lives of those around you, download Ship, where you can find matches for your friends and family, and get to shipping in a nonfictional and productive way.
Images: Giphy (5)
Holy sh*t, fam. After two f*cking years, we only have one episode left of this show that’s literally run my life for a preposterous number of hours. What will I do without my weekly bought of incest, dragons, dragon rides, dead kids nailed to walls, hookers, 80-minute battle sequences, and people just generally behaving badly? HBO – your network is so utterly f*cked after next Sunday. But, I appreciate you trying to give me a will to live with Chernobyl, Big Little Lies, and Barry.
If you haven’t watched this week’s episode, stop reading right now and go read our recap, because this sh*t isn’t going to make a ton of sense to you. Additionally, although nothing has been proven yet, spoilers ahead, so gtfo and don’t @ me in the comments.
Predictions for the end of our epic journey have been floating around the Internet since Game of Thrones kicked off years ago, but we’re finally able to *fairly* confidently predict a few things that we think may happen this season, wrapping up the whole ice, fire, iron throne, and dragon saga.
We’ve updated this article with new predictions, based on the new developments that occurred this week, and will be updating this every week. The new predictions are at the top, so keep scrolling if you want to read the older predictions to see if we were right.
Arya Or Jon Will Kill Dany
I’m torn between Arya or Jon placing the knife that I’m convinced will kill Dany, but one of them, I think, is definitely taking this b*tch out. Dany completed her batsh*t arc in episode 5 when she decided to ignore the bells of surrender in King’s Landing and just burn f*cking everyone. Like, I get it, girl. I feel you. We all have days when laying waste and ruin to a large city seems like the best choice. But after Tyrion, Jon, and Arya see the absolute destruction (and need for a burn ward) left as a result of Dany’s PMS meltdown, I think it’s safe to say that someone is going to need to take her out.
She’s slowly devolved into crazytown territory, and, unfortunately for our fav dragon queen, not enough time has passed to forget the insanity of her father, The Mad King. I think Jon, being the stand-up dude he is, or Arya, being the creepy assassin she is, will have to take matters into their own hands and get this b*tch off the throne.
Dany Is Going To Kill Tyrion
Dany Will Try To Kill Jon
Tyrion Is Gonna Do Something Sh*tty
REMAINS TO BE SEEN, BUT IT’S HAPPENING, Y’ALL. As of episode 5, Tyrion clearly chose his family’s safety over Dany’s doom and gloom destiny and, if she finds out, he’s in for a world of sh*t.
Game of Thrones Redditors pinned this theory back during the Season 7 finale (and based on book outlines), when Tyrion was sketchily lurking outside the room where Jon and Dany were incest-ing. Although I (and Reddit) fully believe that Tyrion is, at his core, a good dude, he also is clearly torn between his family and his new queen, which we saw for sure last night when he decided to let Jamie escape to be with Cersei.
Think about his reaction to the absolute slaughter that Dany wrecked on Jaime’s armies outside Highgarden in Season 7 and last night’s absolute horror over Dany’s decision to BURN THIS SH*T OUT OF THE CITY even after the bells signaled surrender. How about his decision to have a one-on-one with Cersei after she wanted nothing to do with Jon and Dany’s monster quest? What did he say in that meeting that we didn’t see? How about him putting himself between Dany and Cersei in episode 4 and offering Cersei a way out after Dany was completely not chill about it? I think, unknowingly, Tyrion’s alliances are going to bite him in the ass, and he may end up paying for it with his life.
All The Dragons Will Die
Drogon made it through the siege and battle (can we honestly even call it a battle?) of King’s Landing in episode 5 without being shot out of the sky by one of Qyburn’s scorpions, so it would appear that Drogon could make it through to the end of the series. But, again, I still feel it’s unlikely for a lasting peace to prevail while dragons are alive and with a fire breathing scaly death airplane hanging around.
As we know, Dany blew a three dragon lead, which doesn’t say much for her military prowess. To recap, the only dragon that ate sh*t and died during the Battle of Winterfell was the v blue-fire-breathing Viserion, who had it comin’. The army of the dead did not, however, succeed in killing Rhaegal or Drogon. Enter dirty Pirate, Euron, and his out-of-nowhere attack on Rhaegal in episode 4. Boom, another dragon eats sh*t.
It’s a super fun thought, what to have a blonde queen and her badass dragon keeping everyone in line, but it doesn’t really fit with the whole “yay happy ending thing.” Although, maybe that’s what the showrunners want?
Plus, all of these dragons were male, and, while we’re all for gay dragon rights and families, it’s gonna be really difficult to produce more dragons without a lady dragon involved. There is a totally oddball theory that there are dragon eggs hidden underneath Winterfell, but that seems pretty far-fetched at the moment.
Jamie Will Die In Brienne’s Arms
Although both Jamie and Brienne made it out of the Battle of Winterfell alive, I’m still thinking that Jamie will, in an effort to kill Cersei, end up dying in Brienne’s arms. Jaime is currently on his way to King’s Landing, supposedly to just see and make out with Cersei, but I tend to think he’s actually going on a suicide mission to take that B out once and for all.
Jaime Will Kill Cersei
DEBUNKED; THEORY DEAD. I should have known that Jamie could never bring himself to kill Cersei – the woman who has literally caused the majority of his behavior and approach to, well, everything, throughout this entire show. I also should have known that he could never kill her while she was still preggers with his kid. Honestly, the way they went out felt right. They came into the world together, were awful people together, and died together.
When Jaime walked away from Cersei during the Season 7 finale and headed off to support Winterfell, we all collectively knew sh*t was about to get real. Jaime’s character arc has been at a stopping point for a while now, since he’s less pushing-kids-outta-towers than in previous seasons. It makes sense that Jaime will complete his character’s journey once he kills Cersei—the reason behind a lot of his bad behavior. He will probably die in the process (my money is on the Mountain slapping him to death), but he’ll have destroyed the woman that’s been responsible for a lot of the misery on this show, too.
*SAD LANNISTER THEME MUSIC INTENSIFIES.*
Reddit threads seems to think history will repeat itself—possibly with an ever-more-out-of-touch Cersei screaming “burn them all” when Jaime snaps and kills her. Plus, there’s the whole Maggie the Frog prophecy that Cersei will be killed by the Valonqar—Valerian for “little brother,” and Jaime is the younger twin.
Cersei Will Lose The Baby
The Mountain Will Kill Arya
Clegane-Bowl Is Happening
Dany Is Totes Preggers And Will Die
DEBUNKED/DEAD. I’m gonna say this theory is out the window. There’s no way that the showrunners are going to introduce a plot twist like Dany being pregnant in the last episode ever. I would go so far as to say that the showrunners themselves planted this theory JUST to throw me off. How rude, honestly.
This rumor has been floating around since Dany and Jon got it on in the boat in Season 7’s final episode, and a lot of it seems to have to do with the witch’s prophecy about the sun rising in the East and all that jazz. First off, gross, cause incest. But, more importantly, if Dany is going to die, which she probably will, a death via childbirth is pretty neat and tidy for the sake of the plot. Jon and the kid will, if I had to guess, probably live, and go on to create a new and better world in Westeros. There are also people claiming that Dany looks bigger this season than she did last season, but I personally think she’s just in hibernation mode.
Additionally, if we go back to Dany’s vision in Season 2 in the House of the Undying, she sees Khal Drogo and her infant son waiting for her beyond the wall. Redditors think this signifies her death beyond the wall and, since she’s alone, a child that lives.
Jon Will Keep His Secret For Now
THEORY DEBUNKED. I LOSE.
Samwell revealed to Jon in Episode 1 of Season 8 that he is, in fact, the heir to the Iron Throne. Jon has A LOT of feelings about this. Although he really only vocalizes that he can’t believe Ned Stark – the man he believed was his father for his entire life – lied to him, he also mentions that this whole conversation is treason, since he’s pledged himself to Dany’s claim and cause. But, really, deep down, he’s also probably super weirded out that he’s been making out with his aunt.
All these factors and feelings together make us believe one thing – he isn’t telling Dany about his parentage any time soon. First of all, any mention of his claim to the throne would immediately (probably) lose him Dany as an ally. He needs her (and her fire-breathing pets) to defeat the Night King AND take hold of the country.
I might be wrong about all this sh*t, but we only have a few more Game of Thrones episodes left, and a lot of plot to get through. Whether these predictions are exactly right or not, I think we can all agree that a lot of people will die, and there will probably be some more incest. Yay!
Everyone In The Crypts Is F*cked
Bran Will Defeat The Night King
THEORY DEBUNKED. BRAN IS USELESS.
Anyone else sick of Bran? He lost my respect when he v awkwardly brought up Sansa’s “wedding” to Ramsey (and the subsequent rape and beating) with about as much emotion as I have when I’m scrolling through Instagram. Despite his newfound weirdness, Bran is very likely to play a role in the defeat of the Night King. If the dragons all destroy each other and the Night King survives a dragon crash, short of an epic sword fight with Jon Snow, nothing is likely to take this guy down. That is, unless Bran gets inside his head.
The showrunners have set us up to accept that Bran has a very odd connection with the Night King, and it’s likely that he’ll attempt to warg into the frozen soldier’s brain and win the war. However, I think he’ll get stuck, and the only way to end the whole ordeal will be for someone – probably Jon – to kill Bran. You heard it here first. Also f*ck Bran, he’s the weirdest Game of Thrones character.
Images: HBO; Giphy (6)
The final season of Game of Thrones is upon us, and I’m sure you’ve all seen plenty of predictions, questionable spoilers, and lame people complaining about how they don’t care. But there’s one issue that hasn’t been getting nearly enough coverage, and it’s time to address the most important Game of Thrones question: which character has the most Big Dick Energy? 2018 was the year of BDE, and honestly, it’s not going anywhere. Whoever wins the iron throne is irrelevant, but whoever has the most BDE…now there’s a reason to bend the knee. Move over Pete Davidson, because winter is coming.
10. Lyanna Mormont
Lyanna doesn’t have a huge role in Game of Thrones, but anytime she is in a scene she is exuding big dick energy. She’s a literal child who rules her house like a boss, and grown-ass men respect the hell out of her. She’s a no-nonsense bitch, and she’s got the BDE to prove it.
9. Tyrion Lannister
It’s been heavily implied that Tyrion is well-endowed, and the energy of his endowment matches the size. He can drink anyone under the table, has a witty comeback to everything, and to put it bluntly: this guy f*cks. Big dick energy for a big dick’d man.
The first thing we learn about Ygritte is that she’s very good at making fun of Jon Snow for being a virgin who can’t murder her. Love that. She also teaches Jon Snow how to eat pussy, for which I deem her a BDE legend. Plus, she brought us the line, “You know nothing, Jon Snow.” And for that we are eternally grateful. May Ygritte and her BDE RIP.
7. Lord Varys
Lord Varys may be missing his member, but he has the dick energy of a man with a 12-inch shlong. He always has to tea to spill, and he does so very strategically. He’s a messy bitch who lives for drama, and he’s always playing games. That sh*t takes a lot of energy–big dick energy, that is.
6. The Night King
This dude goes around murdering people for like, no apparent reason? Kind of a dick move, but also a big dick move. Guy gives zero f*cks. Like, he literally came to slay.
5. Just Like, Dragons In General
Dragons can fly, breathe fire, and are generally terrifying and beautiful. This is the big dick energy that Westeros deserves.
4. Daenerys Targaryen
She is the mother of dragons, need I say more? I don’t need to, but I will. Daenerys started out as a servant-bride, who then simultaneously rebirthed herself and three dragons by surviving a fire, and continued to casually gather a massive army of soldiers who have all bent the knee to her as their queen. Swing that big dick energy around, girl.
3. Cersei Lannister
Cersei has two modes: drinking wine while arching her brows, and mercilessly murdering people with a smirk. That makes her a giant bitch with massive dick energy. Sure, she f*cks her brother, but she is also a woman in a man’s world who has managed to rise to the top by outsmarting everyone at every move.
2. Olenna Tyrell
From the moment Olenna Tyrell walked on the scene, talking about cheese in her gorgeous headdress, we all knew we were dealing with a goddamn queen. Pretty much every line she delivered became an instant meme, as she was never not dishing out blunt insults and witty wisdoms. And she did so right up until the iconic moment that she died, when she used her last moments to talk shit about Cersei, and then calmly tell Jamie Lannister that she killed his son, right after he had decided to grant her a painless death via poison. That right there is peak BDE.
1. Arya Stark
Let’s be real, any girl who has a list of names of people to murder has the most big dick energy of all. Her entire life since the series began has been dedicated to seeking revenge via murder, so like, she might be a sociopath, but we know for sure that she is a BDE queen. Remember when she cut up two of Walder Frey’s sons, fed them to him in a pie, slit his throat, carved off his face, and used it to disguise herself as him, and then slaughtered the entire House Frey? Yeah, there isn’t a ruler out there big enough to measure that dick energy.
So these are the official rankings for now, but we’ll be watching carefully throughout Game of Thrones season 8 to see if anything changes. Maybe Jon Snow will suddenly stop being a little bitch, or maybe Dany will do something to really annoy us. Who knows? This sh*t is about to get crazy, and I can’t wait to see it all go down.
Images: HBO, Giphy (10)
So the talk of the town for the past, like, year is that the final season of Game of Thrones is coming up. How do I know that? Okay, I just said that it’s the talk of the town. F*ck, this is a terrible set-up for what I’m about to tell you all, then: I’ve never seen Game of Thrones in spite of everyone talking about it. And I probably never will watch it.
Now let me preface this entire piece by saying that I think people who refuse to indulge in mainstream pop culture simply to act like they’re above being mainstream are the absolute worst. I am not that girl who wore Vans to prom that I doodled all over because ~*~ I’m not like most girls.~*~ I would never be the Betty Buzzkill by pretending like I don’t know all the names of the Kardashians. (If I were, I’m working at the completely wrong websites.) But with that being said, if there’s people talking about Khaleesi like they rushed a sorority together, I sit that conversation out. And that’s fine with me because I’ll take any pass to not converse with people. (It’s why I wear still wear my headphones in public, even though I broke them two weeks ago.)
I’m well aware that GOT is an incredibly curated HBO show that wins all the Emmys or is a runner-up to another HBO show because that channel borderline has a monopoly on award shows at this juncture. And obviously, I applaud all and all Emmy nominated shows for giving the platform that privileged white males so desperately need. Thank you for your service! So I recognize that Game of Thrones is technically very good. However, I feel like I’ve given Game of Thrones a fair shot. I watched the three-part South Park episode about it, and it wasn’t great. Truthfully, I think the only HBO shows I’ve ever watched are the ones that come from the same people that did Seinfeld. Also, Big Little Lies because that was only seven episodes so it wasn’t much of an investment. But I’ve been told by people that in order to watch GOT, it’s such a tedious thing to get into. And that’s not to be understated. Each episode is at least an hour with no commercial breaks—it’s like I need an Adderall just to get through a recreational show. But wait, isn’t this supposed to be entertainment, not a chore?
I’m not just averse to Game of Thrones; I don’t go out of my way to invest myself in shows or movies that are dark and/or serious in general. I’ve seen, like, five Oscar nominated movies in the past decade. I’ve also never seen a Leonardo DiCaprio movie. I’m sorry, but do you really expect me to buy him as a romantic lead after learning that he wears headphones and vapes during sex? I don’t think so.
I used to watch stuff that had more substance when I was younger, but then life happens when you get older and you become more wary of the world. After a hard day of writing about the Kardashian family, taking a depression nap, and forcing myself to drink water and maybe eat a vegetable, I just wanna take a load off, man. And I do that by watching the same four or five shows that I always watch. I’m not the only one. Live look at a conversation with my politically correct, craft beer swilling, yoga instructor sister who is meditative and constantly trying to self actualize to a fault:
Why is she into even more trash than me? Being the legit journalist that I am, I sought out a quote from her:
“As someone who used to watch a lot of crime shows and dramas, I switched over exclusively to the brand of reality TV because I watch less television, I realized when I do I want to decompress and escape the world around me. Sad to say that my former TV preferences became far too reminiscent of headlines and daily life to comfort/entertain me, which is why I turn to the walking messes of delusion that grace Andy Cohen’s late night couch after their episodes in which they self destruct once again in front of America.”
Well put. Maybe she should be the sister working at this site instead.
So forgive me if I’d rather watch Judd Apatow movie. I’m sorry if The O.C. is the most drama I can handle. Pardon me while I watch “The Contest” for the thirtieth time because I have SO. MANY. THEORIES. about that episode of Seinfeld.
I can assure you I have been told to watch *insert serious television show or movie here* even more times than a guy saying “Oh, you’re a female writer in New York? Like Lena Dunham?” (No.) Or “Oh, you like vulgar jokes? So you like Amy Schumer?” (No.) Or “Oh, your name’s Millie? Like the Lil Wayne song or the disgraced lip synching group from the 80’s, Milli Vanilli?” (Get f*cked.)
If I haven’t watched any TV show by now, not just Game of Thrones, chances are I’m not going to watch it. I’m fully aware that for a duration of the time a popular *serious* television show airs, I’m gonna be questioned about watching it. And there’s a five year period afterwards where people still interrogate me about my decision to not watch it. (By the way, a very special f*ck you to Breaking Bad for saying they’re coming out with a movie once that period ended.) And THEN people are going to remark that I’m way too proud for being an outlier when really, I just don’t want to watch the show. Also, if it’s truly *classic* television, I’ll get around to watching it eventually and people will still want to talk about it with me long after the show has ended. But for the time being, I don’t want to talk to about Khaleesi like she and I took a blood oath together.
Unless I’m doing “Netflix and chill” (God, are we still using that phrase?) with someone that’s over 6’8″, I’m not gonna watch what you say that I *should* watch. So no, I won’t be watching Game of Thrones any time soon. With that being said, stay tuned for my next article where I tell you that I don’t think Beyoncé is that great, Taco Bell is better than Chipotle and Del Taco, and Friends actually kinda sucked.
Images: HBO; Giphy (3)
Calling all Jon Snow fans: Kit Harrington is officially off the market. Because, you know, we all stood a fighting chance at that.
Everyone’s favorite brooding (non-) bastard is engaged to former co-star, Rose Leslie. Game of Thrones fans know Rose as playing Kit’s onscreen star-crossed lover, Ygritte the Wildling.
For you losers who aren’t fans, she’s the one who coined the infamous “You know nothing, Jon Snow,” line. It’s not that surprising tbh, everyone knows you have to lock down the guy who goes down on you in a steamy cave. It’s like, the rules of feminism.
Kit and Rose have been not-so-secretly dating for a while now, but anyone with eyes and a basic understanding of the English language could tell they were legit. Kit was very open about the fact that he fell in love…in Iceland…with a co-star. This is, in fact, not a case for the FBI.
Congratulations to Kit and Rose, you two are quite literally too cute for words. Here’s hoping your kids have a wild mess of red curls and will never actually watch the scene of you two having bomb sex on the show where you fell in love.
I made the misguided decision to go camping this past weekend rather than watch the notoriously devastating pre-season finale episode of Game of Thrones and by the time I had returned to civilization/Wi-Fi, Viserion had died a horrible, icy death which basically means I’m never stepping foot outside the city again. Sorry for letting you down, my dude.
I barely had time to recover from that crippling loss before a misleading headline from Cosmopolitan gave me a near stroke: “A Game of Thrones Director Just Low-Key Confirmed That Either Sansa or Arya Will Die.” EXCUSE ME.
Should we be shocked by any more deaths in this miserable show? Absolutely not, they’re inevitable. But not for our poor Starks, who have already suffered so much. This is their season! They’re reuniting like wildfire, falling in love with their aunts and generally running shit like the badasses they all are, and now this? It was enough of a shock that I actually forced myself to click the link and further my research on a topic that I should probably be well-versed in at this point, which was when I realized I’d been duped by none other than Cosmo. Clickbait strikes again.
In an interview with HuffPost, Game of Thrones director Alan Taylor had this to say about the growing tensions in Arya and Sansa’s relationship: “I love the fact that these two come back, they’re both lethal, and I just wanted to give the impression, as much as possible, that one of them is going to die, but you’re not sure which one…. Something is coming very soon between them, and it will be violent but surprising.”
Alright everyone, now is the time to calm the fuck down. First of all, Game of Thrones plot twists are more safely guarded than matters of national security, which is not a big bragging right at this point but let’s all just pretend. If the director of the most popular show in the world (completely unsubstantiated statement, it’s fine) decided to sit down and casually confirm a character death in the week leading up to the finale, he would have lost not only his job but most likely also his life.
Second, there is a huge difference between “give the impression that one of them is going to die” and then actually killing them. In fact, that almost seems like something someone would say who is purposely trying to mislead an audience and incite terror in the days leading up to a season finale. But what do I know, I’ve just written about this show religiously for ten weeks out of the last three years.
Besides, Arya murdering Sansa or vice-versa after last week’s episode would be far too obvious a move for this show. My guess is that their rivalry is all a ploy that will lead to the ultimate “violent but surprising” moment of the finale: both of them murdering Littlefinger. Catelyn Stark’s daughters are too fucking smart to be taken down by the rat man that spent his entire life fantasizing about her, and he’s going to learn that lesson the hard way.
2017 is a fiery wasteland and the only thing that makes us all feel slightly better about it is that we’re not quite as bad as Westeros. They can’t take that from us, not yet.
Caveat: if the show runners are bold enough to kill off a Stark this Sunday, we better be rewarded with a 15-minute-long sex scene between Jon and Dany. Yeah, they’re related. I don’t give shit.
Hmm…so here we are. The famed penultimate episode of this Game of Thrones season. For those of you who haven’t been paying attention, the second-to-last episode of every Game Of Thrones season is always the episode where shit goes down. Past seasons have given us The Rains of Castamere (aka The Red Wedding), The Battle of The Bastards, and The Watchers On The Wall. This season we got…Ocean’s 11: White Walkers?
Full disclosure: I did not like this episode, so let’s get into the roasting, shall we?
Beyond The Wall
The episode begins and I’d almost already forgotten that the plot of tonight’s episode is going to be, “try to kidnap a zombie and bring it back to Westeros.” Fuck. That is such a terrible idea.
This is a show in which a pair of twins have children together, and I think this might be the worst idea I’ve ever heard.
Everyone is trying to make Gendry be chill about the fact that his comrades sold him to Melisandre and she put leeches on his penis. Don’t give in, Gendry. You
are hot have a right to your feelings.
Real question: Has anyone ever travelled further or endured more to be in the friend zone than Jorah Mormont? Dude was sold into slavery, got his skin scraped off, and now he’s beyond the world on Operation Zombie Kidnap, all so Dany might give him a hug later. So sad.
Mormont and Jon Snow get into an honor-off over which one of them gets to keep the fancy sword. The whole thing is very phallic.
Jon: I’m so honorable, I’m giving you the sword.
Jorah: I’m so honorable, I’m giving you the sword back.
It’s Sansa Vs. Arya: Who Will Bitch Slap Who?
Arya: Remember our dad? He used to stand here.
Sansa: Uh…yeah I was there.
Arya is all pissed off about a letter none of us remember from like 15 seasons ago.
Sansa: You’re being really petty right now.
Arya: You used to be really fucking stupid.
Me: Also true.
Arya tries to hit Sansa with an “I was training to be a faceless man,” while Sansa responds with an “I low-key saved this entire family.”
Ugh. Littlefinger is such a tricky bitch for pitting the girls against each other this way. Don’t they realize they should be using their Lady Stark powers to save the North??
Beyond The Wall
We cut back to the wall and everyone is literally just still walking. The Hound teaches Big Red (or whatever tf this character’s name is) the word “dick,” and Big Red won’t shut tf up about Brienne, who isn’t interested.
This scene serves literally no purpose, and was a waste of all of our times.
We open on Dany giving Tyrion a backhanded compliment.
The conversation quickly shifts to Jon Snow, and Dany and Tyrion start acting like a couple of middle school girls who are trying to figure out if they both have a crush on the same guy.
Tyrion: He likes you!
Dany: No he doesn’t!
Tyrion: You like him!
Dany: He’s too short!
Tyrion tries to casually bring up the fact that Dany has a bad temper, Dany counters that by getting insanely pissed and storming out of the castle.
Tyrion: Hey since you’re like barren or whatever maybe we should figure out who inherits the throne when you die?
Beyond The Wall
Ugh. The five most boring characters and Jon Snow are still walking. Walking walking walking — OH FUCK IS THAT A POLAR BEAR?
YOOOOO IS THAT A ZOMBIE POLAR BEAR?
Welp, our fateful band of semi-virgins set out to find a zombie, and now they fucking found one. Good for you, Jon Snow. You’ve fought the wildlings, the Boltons, a wight, a White Walker, and now a zombie bear. Good for fucking you.
The zombie bears are going ham killing everyone except the characters we actually care about. One of them chomps on Thoros for a good 30 seconds and yet he somehow survives.
Beric uses his flaming sword, which just turns the murderous zombie bears into murderous zombie bears that are on fire. Good job, Beric.
For real though, shouldn’t the fire stop the zombie bears? Do the zombie bears follow different rules than zombie people in the Game Of Thrones universe? What the fuck is happening?
Littlefinger tries to drag Brienne into his Arya-on-Sansa fantasy, and guess what, it works.
Brienne: Cersei wants you to come to Kings Landing.
Sansa: Lol nah you can go instead.
Sansa uses this opportunity to rummage through Arya’s shit looking for….weapons? Money? IDK.
BET YA DIDN’T EXPECT TO FIND A BAG FULL OF FACES, YA BISH.
Okay, but seriously, Arya just like…keeps the faces in her bag? That’s how the faces work? You just like, toss them in your bag along with a couple tampons and a bobby pin and shit?
Arya At Brunch: Ugh sorry about my enormous bag, I just have like, my whole makeup bag, my lunch, a hair straightener, and like 15 faces in here. Can’t leave the house without them!
Of course Arya walks in right as Sansa finds the bag full of faces. Doesn’t Sansa get that she’s like, a ninja or some shit now?
Arya: Why don’t I give another long speech about feminism?
Sansa: Umm no bitch you can’t change the subject I need to know wtf is up with these faces.
Arya: **pulls out knife like she’s going to cut Sansa’s face off**
Arya: **hands Sansa the knife instead**
Me: So did y’all two just make up or…?
Beyond The Wall
Operation Zombie Kidnap is in full effect. Luckily for all the main characters, none of them died in the dead-flaming-polar-bear attack and now they’re all 100% fit to take on the band of White Walkers they’ve just stumbled upon.
Jon: **Kills a White Walker and like 10 wights explode with him**
Me: This feels like important information.
Things are actually going pretty well for a group of five humans who travelled thousands of miles to try and kill a mythical undead corpse-person, but then they finally get to the “kidnap a zombie” part of their plan and shit starts to fall apart.
We now move into Plan B of Operation Zombie Kidnap, which apparently is just “Gendry runs as fast as he can back to the wall.”
These guys really didn’t think this through, did they?
Even still, they’re all doing a pretty good job considering there appear to be over a thousand wights and White Walkers and just like, five or six of them.
They’re able to fight their way onto a very conveniently located rock and now the plan is to just…wait? Luckily in all the hubbub they were able to still keep an eye on the wight they tied up. I guess these guys are still really committed to bringing one of these things back home with them.
CUT TO: Gendry Forrest-Gumping it across the North. Remember when it took like, multiple seasons to get to get places? Well now Gendry can just run the entire distance of the North during the commercial breaks, and ravens send as fast as texts.
(I know Game Of Thrones doesn’t have commercial breaks don’t @ me.)
Gendry collapses just before the end of his marathon. The fact that “Gendry running as fast as he can back to The Wall” is the only part of this plan that worked out is so, so baffling to me.
Back at the conveniently located rock, Jon and co are not doing so hot. Thoros died, which makes sense because he was attacked by a zombie polar bear that was on fire.
Beric does his flaming sword trick for the 15th time and honestly, I’m no longer impressed. Get a new trick, dude.
In the distance we see The Night King, aka Demon Elsa, and somebody (I can’t remember who, this episode was really stupid) has the brilliant realization that if you kill him, you probably kill all The White Walkers at once.
Jon: Challenge accepted.
Dragonstone & Beyond The Wall
Cut to Dany serving us full “Winter Is Here,” ready to fuck some shit up. She’s going to get on her dragon and fly north to set shit on fire, aka the very obvious thing that she should have done from the beginning.
Dany: I’m flying North.
Me: When tf did you have time to get a winter coat made?
Back beyond the wall, The Hound just fucked everyone over by throwing snowballs at the wights. Men are so fucking stupid.
We’re now in for one of Game Of Thrones’ famously
boring riveting fight scenes.
Jon: Fall back!!! Fall back!
Everyone: Lol where?
The entire crew is surrounded. They all grab hands and accept death like at the end of Toy Story 3, then…
Dany shows up on her dragons and does what we all have wanted her to do from day one: starts burning zombies.
Dany: Get on the dragon loser, we’re going back to Westeros.
Jon: Just lemme kill a few more zombies real quick.
Everybody is so busy paying attention to wtf Jon is up to, that nobody realizes Undead Elsa is about to kill one of the fucking dragons with his ice spear.
Word to the wise: if the fucking Ice King is anywhere near your shit, have one person in your crew assigned to watching the Ice King at all times. Ya gotta keep an eye on the Ice King.
Live footage of the Ice King approaching to kill everyone:
Dany is now force to haul ass out of the North with one less dragon, while Jon Snow gets pulled into yet another fake-out death.
Jon Snow: **almost dies**
Me: Lol yea right dude you can’t die. Uncle Benjen is probably going to show up to save you or some dumb shit like that.
Uncle Benjen: **Shows up to save Jon**
Me: Of. Fucking. Course.
Dany is sad because her new boyfriend who she doesn’t realize is actually probably her nephew is either dead or a zombie right now, and her dragon baby is also dead.
Luckily for her, it’s apparently very easy to just ride away from an entire army of White Walkers, and Jon is actually like, fine.
Me, every second of this episode so far:
CUT TO: Jon awaking with Dany standing over his bedside.
Dany sees Jon’s stab wounds for the first time and is like, “I KNEW I smelled a red flag.”
Even still, Jon looks so good whenever he wakes up from a near death experience. We, the audience, know this, but Danearys Targaryen has yet to experience it.
Dany: I can’t have kids.
Dany: But we can like, do other stuff…
We find out that Jon is down to bend the knee to Danearys, but more importantly it’s pretty clear that Danearys is down to bend da knees to Jon, if ya know what I mean (blow jobs).
Beyond The Wall
Lest you forget, the idiots who decided that kidnapping an undead demon was a good idea, also let one of their dragons be killed, and left that dragon’s body in the hands of the White Walkers.
If you didn’t see this coming, you literally have not been paying attention.
That’s right: We’ve got a White Walker dragon now. What does that mean, exactly? IDK, but it can’t be fucking good.