5 Shady Ways States Ban Abortion

Last week, Alabama passed the most restrictive abortion ban in the United States. With no exceptions for rape or incest, it’s designed to trigger a challenge to Roe v. Wade in the courts and rip the constitutional right to an abortion from every American woman. And because news in Trump’s America is a nightmare that will only end by voting in 2020, Alabama is just the latest (and most dramatic) example of a red state attempting to roll back abortion rights. Because there’s nothing like going back to a time when desperate women died from back-alley abortions to make America truly great again.

While Alabama’s abortion ban is pretty easy to understand (no abortions for anyone unless you’re likely to die without one), other states have found trickier ways to force women to give birth when they don’t want to. These incremental rollbacks are much more likely to make it to the Supreme Court than Alabama’s categorical ban, and are designed to chip away at abortion access one insurmountable hurdle after the other. Here are 5 examples of how states are restricting access to women’s constitutional right to access abortion:

1. The Full Ban

As of right now, Alabama is the only state rocking the full ban, which does not include exceptions in cases of rape or incest, but only when the mother’s life is in danger. That means if an 11-year-old girl were impregnated by her own father (it’s happened before), she would have to carry that baby to term. But tell me again how Handmaid’s Tale is just a show.

2. Time-Based Bans

These bans dramatically compress the time during which women can end a pregnancy — the type we’ve seen passed recently both in Georgia and Ohio (6 weeks) and Missouri (8 weeks). Often referred to as “fetal heartbeat bills” these bills seek to ban abortion as soon as a fetal heartbeat can be detected, which can be as early as six weeks. The tricky part about these bans is that most women don’t even realize that they’ve missed a period by six weeks and therefore could be pregnant. Women with irregular periods or cycles are at an even higher risk of realizing they’re pregnant too late to get an abortion. Also at risk are women who are on the types of birth control that might eliminate a regular period altogether. These women may not realize in time that their birth control has failed. Considering my period seems to come based solely on when it would be the most inconvenient, the idea of having a two-week window to realize something’s wrong is f*cking terrifying.

Current legal precedent, as determined by 1992’s Supreme Court ruling in Planned Parenthood v. Casey, basically protects women’s right to access abortion up to around 24 weeks of pregnancy, the time of fetal “viability” or when the fetus could survive outside the womb. States are allowed to apply regulations before that period, as long as they don’t create an “undue burden” for women trying to access the procedure. The problem is, almost all of them do. Some federal courts are currently considering whether bans at 6 weeks create this “undue burden.” Um, duh?

3. Bans Targeting Clinics

These laws aim to make accessing abortion as onerous and expensive as possible in lieu of straight up banning the procedure. They’re a group of laws commonly referred to as TRAP laws, or targeted regulation of abortion providers, and 24 states currently have laws or policies that regulate abortion providers beyond what is medically necessary to ensure patient safety. Some examples include requiring doctors who perform abortions to have to admitting privileges at nearby hospitals, which creates a host of problems and inconveniences. (In some states the majority of hospitals are affiliated with the Catholic Church and will not admit doctors who perform abortions.) Some states have required that abortion clinics meet “ambulatory surgical center regulations,” which often would require cost-prohibitive renovations for a clinic to be compliant. Medical practitioners and public health groups have deemed these restrictions medically unnecessary.

The Supreme Court has already blocked a number of these restrictions, concluding that they create an “undue burden” for women trying to access abortion services. In February, SCOTUS blocked Louisiana’s admitting privileges law that would have left just one clinic in the state from going into effect. But the block is temporary, and the Supreme Court is currently considering whether to add the case to its 2019 docket and decide whether it’s constitutional. Meanwhile, abortion providers in Kentucky are currently challenging a law related to ambulatory requirements.

4. Laws Targeting Women

There are lots of laws that seek to dissuade, inconvenience, or shame women into not getting an abortion. Currently, 11 states have laws mandating transvaginal ultrasounds (aka putting a giant rod up your cooter) so that women can “see the fetus” before going through with an abortion. Long waiting periods are also common, which can have a profound impact on low-income women because it requires patients to 1) travel to far away clinics since these laws are found most heavily in states with very few clinics 2) take off work for the duration and waiting period and 3) put themselves up in a nearby hotel for that time. Some laws also make it legal to straight-up lie to women about their abortions by forcing doctors to read a “prepared script” full of misinformation, including that an abortion can cause breast cancer (it cannot).

In South Dakota, women seeking abortions are required by law to get anti-abortion counseling at crisis pregnancy centers, which are essentially fake abortion clinics that have been found to give people misleading or false information about their pregnancy to trick them into not having an abortion. In some cases, crisis pregnancy centers have promised women financial support for their baby, then ghosted the woman once she got past the legal limit to have her abortion. How Christian of them.

5. Laws Targeting Types of Abortions

As you may know, there are two main types of abortion: dilation and curettage, which may include vacuum aspiration (surgical abortion) or medical abortion, which uses two pills. Oklahoma lawmakers have tried to ban and restrict use of the abortion bill, and its Supreme Court blocked both attempts. States often use the FDA to justify these restrictions, which mandates very specific protocol and bans prescribing the pills via telemedicine, which would enhance access for millions of women in rural America.

Wow. I’m shook from even writing about all of that. If this has you terrified and wanting to help, check out our article How to Help Women in States with Extreme Abortion Bans for state and regionally-specific info, or check in with your local Planned Parenthood.

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!

5 Republicans That Are Coming For Trump In 2020

While Trump has been a supes entertaining president, a lot of people are saying “I can’t even” to his potential second term. Before Trump was even sworn in as president, he had people considering running against him, but what’s interesting is that that we might even see republicans running for president against him. Both Obama and Dubya Bush didn’t have primary challengers from their own party in re-election years. In fact, their party stood behind them in part because incumbent presidents have a better chance of election, therefore keeping the party in power. Trump is no ordinary politician though, tbh I’m not even sure if he can be considered one at all. So maybe that’s why many members of the GOP have been happy to allude to Republican challengers in 2020. Here’s the list of GOP challengers who may get to say “you’re fired” to the Don in 2020.

Sen. Jeff Flake (R-Ariz.)

Jeff is def not a fan of Trump and has spoken out against him basically any chance he’s gotten, saying that Trump is “dangerous to democracy”… guess Sinclair media stole that line from him. Back in October, he did an interview with This Week and said he’s not not running in 2020. Another reason it seems likely he may be running is that he is not seeking re-election for his Senate seat in 2018. This man was in the House of Representatives from 2001- 2013 before becoming a Senator, you can’t tell me he really doesn’t want to keep moving up the ladder until he’s at the top. No matter what, Sen. Flake def has nothing to lose and has already said he wants someone to challenge the President in the primaries. Sometimes you have to step up to the plate when no one else does.

And How Does this Make Us Feel?

So Jeff looks like the guy who used to walk around campus with double-layered pastel polos and his collar popped back in college. In reality he is very conservative and religious, which stems from his faith and upbringing in the Latter-day Saints Church. As can be expected, he votes v pro-life and basically thinks abortions/contraceptives shouldn’t be available… so that’s a no for me. However, compared to Trump he has been publicly against the travel ban for Muslim countries, voted for more gun control, and thinks the GOP needs to solve the immigration problem in a rational way, aka not with a wall. Overall like, not horrible and would be able to play nice with others. However, Roe v. Wade happened and if you can’t get over that then you can’t sit with us.

Mitt Romney

Third time’s the charm, amirite? Mitt has taken his time away from politics to throw plenty of shade at Trump, even comparing some of his rhetoric to that of the KKK. Mitt is a household name and has been able to get plenty of supporters in the past, including Trump, who backed him in 2012… awk. He is v likely to win the Senate seat of Orrin Hatch (R-UT) in 2018, so maybe he’ll decide he’s feeling lucky and give a primary election another try.

And How Would We Describe Our Mood?

Mitt is kinda your standard conservative, pro-life, white male in office. He’s come close before and tbh looking back I thought he was the WOAT, but now that we’ve had Trump he doesn’t seem so bad. But like, if you’ve already lost so many times, it’s not meant to be, or maybe America doesn’t want you. Idk just spit ballin’ here.

Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Texas)

Ok, so Cruz hasn’t said a peep about running again and has been mildly supportive of Trump so far. However, no one believes that Ted has given up his ambition of being President that easily. I mean come on, the guy thought he was going to at least come close to winning the nomination after being a good ole GOP boy for so many years. Instead, the only title he came out of the election with was Lyin’ Ted Cruz, and like, maybz the Zodiac Killer. Sad.

And What Do We Think About This?

Cruz is like your friend that you always say has so much potential, but as soon as they open their mouth they immediately start to ruin things for themselves. Cruz is v pro-life (what is with the men and being pro-life?), opposes same sex marriage, supports the death penalty, and wait for it… doesn’t believe that science proves climate change is real. Like, what? Ted Cruz you can go back to before the 2000s where you and you’re outdated views should stay.

Ohio Gov. John Kasich (R)

Kasich may be the only one on this list who has actually said he is “plotting his path” to the 2020 election. I guess Ohio just isn’t doing it for him and he needs a way out. I get it. He has considered the possibility of running as an Independent in the election as well, because that always works out so well. Unfortunately, it kinda seems like John Kasich is our best bet for a definite opponent to Trump.

And What Are We Feeling Now?

LOL. Kasich only won his own state’s primary and didn’t really have a shot before, no idea why he thinks he should try again. He really hasn’t done anything notable since 2016, so not really going to be a strong candidate. Good for Kasich though, because he is the only one who seems to know what he wants and isn’t playing the coy political game of “oh, idk if I would really want the job… “We all know you do, so just admit it.

 Mike Pence

I added this one for shits and gigs, but back in 2017 Pence had to deny that he was only VP because he wanted to position himself for the 2020 presidential election. Usually the President has to die before the VP gets to take his seat, but I’m not sure the President has a soul, so is he even alive in the first place? This was all speculation when people thought that Trump would be a one and done type of guy, but just ask Stormy Daniels:  he always comes back for round two. There’s like, zero chance Pence would run now that Trump has officially declared re-election, but a girl can dream about the drama. Remember that it’s 2018 though and anything can happen.

And What’s The Vibe On This?

Honestly, I would love to see Pence face off with Trump and finally tell him how he really feels. I imagine it’d be like when I got blackout at office happy hour and told my annoying coworker that she has the personality of someone who requires people to wear condoms for handjobs. Anyway, Pence is a homophobic skim milk enthusiast, and I don’t want him to be prez, but I do want to see him lose his shit.

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!

We Have Definitive Proof That Congress Is Just A Frat House

Isn’t every frat bro’s worst nightmare graduating and leaving the glory days behind? Well, they’re in luck because they can just run for the House of Representative and spend the night with their legislative brothers. Yes, you heard me right. Congressmen sleeping in their offices, essentially getting free housing and not paying taxes on their place of residence, all while cutting government funding programs, is apparently a thing. It’s a elected official’s fuckboy’s wet dream, really. 

WTF Is Going On?

If a building has Greek columns on it, it’s automatically a frat house, right? It seems that somewhere between 50-75 elected officials (mostly men, because duh) have chosen to essentially live at their offices. This means they are receiving all of the bennies, such as free cable, free security, and free utilities during non-office hours. Fyi, it’s potentially a violation of an ethics code that prohibits official resources from being used for personal use, so there’s that. It’s also like, really gross. Like, go stink up your own home with your morning breath, Paul Ryan.

Remind Me Why I Care?

Thirty GDI members from the Congressional Black Caucus (CBC) have decided the party is over and wrote a letter to the Dean of Congress, aka the House Ethics Committee. They stated that not only is it unprofessional and unsanitary, but also a misuse of government funds to live for free in the office. The CBC is on a mission to take down frat row and prohibit any lawmaker from using their office as a home too. Some women and Democrats are also partaking in the frat life, but most are also pissed and grossed out by it all. Another reason for this happening is that members are already on probation for certain bros dealing with sexual misconduct accusations. Again with the frat house similarities.

Who Wants To Live In An Office?

Members have been doing this for years and in the past have been praised for how frugal they are for couch surfing. Most members are in DC for less than 150 days a year, so paying $2,000 in rent just seems like throwing away money. In fact, members have been passed over for a pay promotion for seven years in a row now. It’s almost like they aren’t making good enough grades for Greek life to give them more funding. The office life isn’t so bad though. There is a cleaning service, en-suite bathroom, mini fridge, and microwave ready to go, exactly like my freshman year dorm. The idea of laws being made in an environment similar to my dorm life is legit terrifying.

It doesn’t seem like the House Ethics Committee is in a hurry to do anything about this, seeing as it’s been two months since they received the letter of complaint. Looks like Greek life is on for lawmakers at the White House. Rush Congress 2018! It’s not four years, it’s for life until Trump fires you.

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!

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A Holocaust Denier Is Running For Office And He’ll Probably Win

Another day, another douchebag. Today we’re talking about Arthur Jones, a Holocaust denier who is running for office in Chicago. Amaze. As the Hamburglar in Chief showed us, you can be scum of the Earth and they just let you become a politician. It’s that easy. What a world.

So far, Arthur Jones is the only Republican nominee running for the Chicago-area congressional district, so he is likely to appear on the ballot. I’m also fairly certain he is just a bunch of old, racist crows in trench coat, so there’s also that. A little bit more about him, he has outwardly said that the Holocaust is “the biggest, blackest lie in history.” He’s a former leader of the American Nazi Party and now leads a group open to “any white American citizen of European, non-Jewish descent.” Tbh sounds like he belongs in a DC movie playing one of the villains, not in American politics, but that’s just my honest/correct opinion.

This asshole has tried to run in the past, but has failed. This time around there are no other Republican nominees to run against him and no one challenged his petitions. It’s almost like this kind of vile white supremacy is becoming normalized in our country and allowing legit nazis to have a voice. Just throwing that out there.

The Republican Governor of Illinois, Bruce Rauner, spoke out against Jones, saying there was “no room for Neo Nazis in American politics.” That’s all well and good, Brucie, but I hate to break it to you, but it kinda looks like there is. You know, since there’s a Neo Nazi running for office in your state. There *shouldn’t* be room for them. But here we are.

Here’s to hoping another Republican candidate steps up to run against him, and that they’re not a Nazi. Dream big. If you know any Republicans in Chicago, please text them and ask them to run. Or tell them to write somebody in, who, again, is *not* a Nazi. Nazis in office are not a good look.

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!

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Everything You Need To Know About The Obamacare Replacement, Explained In Gifs

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After seven years of near constant bitching from the right, the Obamacare replacement is finally here and it’s…extra. As in, “extra shitty to poor people.” The new proposal is called the American Health Care (creative) and is basically a Paul Ryan wet dream that is boring AF to read. Like, seriously, we do not need 100+ pages of legalese to let us know that you don’t want poor people to be able to go to the doctor. We know that shit already. It’s pretty fucking obvious. So if you, like basically anyone with a life, do not have time to parse through Paul Ryan’s tax cut erotica, then lucky you because Betches is here to explain to you all the ways in which the GOP are going to totally fuck up your healthcare. You’re welcome. And what better way to explain the extremely complex and nuanced American healthcare system than with constantly looping images from your favorite movies and reality TV shows. That’s right—GIFs!

Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying.

Nick Viall crying

According to Paul “I Will Never Live Down The Fitness Photoshoot I Did In 2012 No Matter How Much I Try To Distract You By Taking Healthcare Away” Ryan, The American Health Care Act will “drive down costs, encourage competition, and give every American access to quality, affordable health insurance.”

Okay. Well that sounds good. But is it like…true?

nicki minaj hell no

I mean, of course it’s not fucking true. According to the Congressional Budget Office, the Ryan plan would lead to “lost coverage for millions and higher costs for millions more.” Because having millions of uninsured Americans without access to adequate health services without Obamacare, is wayyyyy better than having millions of insured Americans going to the doctor regularly under Obamacare.

The bill also defunds Planned Parenthood, because of course it does. The proposal would make it illegal for federal funding, either directly or indirectly through Medicaid, to go to a healthcare organization that “provides for abortions” other than those done in the case of rape, incest, or to save the life of the mother. While the bill never actually says “Planned Parenthood” by name, the whole thing is basically one long subtweet against the organization. It’s like, guys Planned Parenthood totally knows you’re talking about them. No need to be fake about it. 

kim kardashian so shady

The bill also basically shuts down private health insurance from covering abortions, meaning that you better start asking all your one night stands to Venmo you half the price of an abobo before you even think about hooking up because your health insurance is not going to be able to help you if shit goes south.

rihanna BBHMM

The bill also repeals the individual and employer mandates stating that every American must have health insurance. This means that individuals can drop their coverage right now, which, according to Aetna’s chairman Mark Bertolini, would send the market into a “death spiral” in which healthy customers would drop their coverage, leaving sick people who need insurance to pay ever-increasing rates.

scott pilgrim prepare to die

The AHCA also repeals the essential benefits rule, which stated that health plans must provide hospitalization, mental health services, maternity coverage and other benefits. These benefits would now be decided on a state by state basis. Meaning that women who live in the liberal bubble (aka NYC) would probably get to keep their maternity leave coverage, while people who live somewhere random, like Delaware, might be SOL.

wayne's world i'm in delaware

And if you’re thinking, “Well none of this applies to me because i’m young AF and never gonna die,” think again because the bill also replaces income-based premiums with age-based subsidies, meaning that you will be paying more to go to the doctor the younger (and hotter) you are.

full house how rude

And just when you thought it couldn’t get worse, the bill also kills the Medicaid expansion, and all Obamacare related taxes.

TLDR: The rich are getting a $346 billion dollar tax cut over the next ten years, and the poor will literally all be dead by then, which is kind of what the GOP has always wanted anyway.

archer win win

Like I said at the beginning, if we weren’t laughing at funny GIFs, we’d be crying at the skyrocketing price of Mee-maw’s annual hip replacement.

More bad news: Trump Will Let Planned Parenthood Keep Its Funding Under One Shitty Condition