You Won’t Believe Where Instagram Beauty Bloggers Are Putting Glitter Now

In the newest shitty/bizarre beauty trend—weirdly enough, not started by Kylie Jenner—“glitter tongues” have emerged. In case you can’t take the very literal hint, it’s literally when you cover your fucking tongue with glitter aka tiny fucking shards of plastic.

Frankly, the word “trend” is FAR too overused. Just because one random beauty blogger in Australia thinks glitter tongues are the next winged eyeliner, does not mean it’s a fucking trend. It’s kind of like how Kylie Jenner can wear sweats and high heels and get called “trendy”, but when I do it I’m “visibly intoxicated” and “need to leave Target immediately”.

“Experts” have weighed in on the trend and said that although consuming SOME glitter is okay, most people doing this stupid shit should probably stick to edible glitter. Ya know, like the kind you put on a cake for a 6-year-old’s princess themed birthday party.

Glitter Tongue

Who are these experts and what the fuck are they experts of, exactly? Making completely obvious comments about bullshit glamour fads? What could you possibly have your degree in? A B.A. in “Being Smarter than the Average Moron”?

Look, I’m not a beauty expert—partially because YouTube Beauty Bloggers actually make me want to stick my head in a furnace—but I can say with certainty that this is the dumbest shit I have ever heard. Not only am I annoyed that it exists, but I’m equally annoyed that I have to take perfectly good time out of my day to tell you that this is a load of dog crap. On Planet Bullshit. In the galaxy of This Sucks Camel Dicks.

FRIEND: I want to cover my tongue with glitter


ME: Stay right where you are, I’m calling the police