About this time every year the entire country (or maybe the whole world, IDK) freaks the fuck out over Girl Scout cookies. Weird kids who like camping and being nice come to your door in creepy-ass uniforms and the mom posse at work sends mass emails about ordering on time. And then a passive-aggressive fight breaks out over whose kid you’re going to order from, and then Debbie stops getting invited to the after-work happy hours and you all have to pretend it’s not weird, and … wait, where was I? Oh yeah. While normally all that pestering would annoy the shit out of me, when it comes to Thin Mints and Tagalongs you can spam my inbox all fucking day. So to get you ready for cookie season (which cruelly comes right before beach season, WHY), we’re ranking all of the treats by betchiness so you know which ones to buy and which ones are total social suicide.
12. Do-si-dos/Peanut Butter Sandwiches
Look, it’s a Girl Scout cookie so it’s not like it’s bad or anything, it’s just not great. First, let’s talk about these names. On the one hand, you’ve got Do-si-do, which makes me feel like I’m at a square dance. Also, I’m not sure what hoe-downs have to do with peanut butter and oatmeal. Speaking of, your alternative name is “Peanut Butter Sandwich”—real inventive. Then you get to the cookie, which is just two (chocolate chip-less) oatmeal cookies with peanut butter in the middle. Whatever you call these, they’re fat and lumpy and ugly. Kinda like you will be after you eat a whole box of ’em.
Another oatmeal cookie. Bleh. The Trio has chocolate chips in it, though, so it just beats out the Do-si-do. But really, if you’re going to spend $6—or whatever ungodly amount they’re charging these days—on some fucking oatmeal chocolate chip cookies, it’s time to look at your life, look at your choices.
“Crunchy graham sandwich cookies with creamy chocolate and marshmallowy filling” sounds pretty good and all, but we fail to see how these differ from Oreo S’mores, which you can literally buy for half the price at Target. “But think of the children!” you say. Ok. Fine. On a less cheap note, these things are the newest to the cookie roster and you’ve gotta pay your dues before you get to sit with the plastics classics.
That’s not a typo; there are two s’mores flavored cookies that are both creatively named “Girl Scout S’mores”. Like, what? You mean to tell me Tagalongs have two different names depending on what region of the country you’re in, but you couldn’t come up with a separate name for a whole other cookie? Normally I’d admire that type of commitment to not doing work, but that shit is just laziness. Do better, Girl Scouts. Anyway, this shit is essentially a graham cracker that’s dipped in “crème icing” aka fake marshmallow shit and then covered in chocolate. Anything that’s covered in chocolate is a definite yes in my book (future lovers, take note), but Girl Scouts really shot itself in the foot with the description on this one. “Our new crispy graham cookie double dipped in yummy crème icing and finished with a scrumptious chocolatey coating (WHOA!)” “WHOA!”? Really? Does this really warrant an all-caps WHOA? The person who wrote this description is the type of person who talks about how “naughty” they’re being when they order fries at a restaurant instead of a side salad. I cannot, in good conscience, award this cookie any higher of a place on the betch scale.
Trefoils are kind of like that teacher at your high school who only does the bare minimum and you wonder how they’re still there when you go back to visit for your 10th year reunion. The answer, for both the teacher and this cookie, is tenure. Trefoils are a pretty good option when you want to eat dessert but also partake in some cognitive dissonance, i.e. “There’s not even chocolate or anything in this cookie, so it can’t be that bad!” False. It can be that bad, because I’m sure these things are straight butter. Look, there’s even a sugar cube next to it in the picture! So anyway, while I’m sure we’ll have to pry these cookies from Juliette Gordon Low’s dead hands, Trefoils are actually pretty basic and not that great. Plus, the Girl Scouts have gone fucking ham with flavored shortbread cookie options lately (we’ll get to those later) so you might as well branch out and not be a dud.
There’s not much else to say about Toffee-tastics. I’ve never heard of them in my life, and they’re a regular-ass shortbread cookie with some toffee thrown in for a little excitement. They’re kinda like, the Danielle M. of Girl Scout cookies. Bonus betch points awarded for being gluten free, though.
Meet the lemon version of a Trefoil. It’s not gluten free so you’re probably wondering why it’s higher up than Toffee-tastic, and that’s because unlike the Grammys we here at Betches appreciate Beyoncé and the creative genius that is Lemonade and want to show it some love. Beyhive for life (please don’t come after us).
Finally the last shortbread. Someone in the kitchen is the fucking Gretchen Weiners of shortbread, and Girl Scouts really needs to get out more and come up with some new ideas. Shortbread? For cookies? Groundbreaking. Anyway, this one is at the top of its friend group because it’s dipped in chocolate (see my previous note). But it’s not higher up on the list in general because it’s called a Thanks-A-Lot. Like bitch, what are you thanking me for? You’re thanking me for eating you? That’s like your friend Karen who catches her boyfriend cheating, only to end up apologizing for “not appreciating him enough.” We don’t like Delusional Daters or delusional cookies, so the best these are gonna get is the middle of the pack.
4. Savannah Smiles
Is this what that girl from Mean Girls was talking about when she said she wanted to bake a cake of rainbows and smiles?? Whoa. I think I’m onto something here. Savannah Smiles are cute little tea cookies dusted in powdered sugar, and they look like something you snacked on at cotillion class before your Deb Ball. V betchy. They’re also not going to make you (as) fat because there are only 140 calories in five cookies. And if you’re eating more than five in one session, you need therapy. Or Jesus.
3. Tagalongs/Peanut Butter Patties
First things first, wtf is a Peanut Butter Patty? Just no. I am ride or die for Team Tagalong. You can put that on my gravestone. If I had to guess, TAGALONGS are like 50% of the population’s fave, and it’s easy to see why. It’s peanut butter on top of a cookie and then the whole thing is covered in chocolate and sprinkled with hopes and dreams. It only loses points for being one of the unhealthiest cookies, but fuck it. I said I was ride or die, and I choose death by Tagalong.
2. Samoas/Caramel deLites
God these are so fucking good. They’re covered in caramel and dark chocolate and coconut, so it’s safe to say they’re the most sophisticated of all the cookies. Samoas are def the most inventive in terms of shape, texture, and flavor combination. Also, they have a hole in the middle which allows us to pretend they’re less calories than the other fully circular cookies. The only reason Samoas aren’t number 1 is because we’re not sure if the name is vaguely racist or not. Are you still allowed to say Samoa?
1. Thin Mints
Fucking duh. The day they get rid of Thin Mints will be the day hell freezes over. Actually, given that our country is run by a moldy fascist clementine and New York City’s weather forecast is a page out of the 28 Days Later screenplay, that’s probably not such a good metaphor. But you get my point: Thin Mints are amazing. You can eat them plain. You can freeze them and crumble them on ice cream. You can make alcoholic Thin Mint milkshakes. The limit on your fatness truly does not exist when Thin Mints are involved. And in case their versatility wasn’t enough, they’re vegan—but we bet you didn’t even know that because they’re not constantly broadcasting it. All hail Thin Mints.