The royal wedding is less than three months away, and details are starting to fall into place about the special day. Earlier, we got a closer look at the itinerary for the special day, but today we got even better info: The Spice Girls are performing at the royal wedding.
Start crimping your hair and put on your shortest minidress, because this is a full-fledged pop culture emergency. We got early confirmation of the exciting news on Wednesday, when Mel B appeared on The Real (it’s a knockoff of The View) and spilled the beans. The ladies on the show first asked if Mel knew anyone going to the wedding, to which her response was basically like “bitch please I’M going to the wedding.” She revealed that all five Spice Girls got invitations, and the ladies put two and two together that this meant a performance was likely. Mel B acknowledged that this was correct, before adding that she would probably get fired for sharing the top-secret information.
With the wedding happening on May 19, this performance should serve as a good warmup before their alleged world tour this summer. Victoria Beckham says the tour isn’t happening, but I really need her to be wrong.
So now let’s discuss what this already iconic wedding performance will look like. As we reported previously, the wedding day will consist of a traditional ceremony, followed by a large reception, and then a private family party later in the evening. So there are lots of possibilities for what Posh, Scary, Sporty, Baby, and Ginger could be cooking up.
Honestly, there’s no reason that the Spice Girls, patron saints of girl groups everywhere, shouldn’t perform at the ceremony. They could wear sequined angel costumes (complete with wings, obvi), and sing pop arrangements of classic Anglican hymns. There wouldn’t be a dry eye in the house, and it would have nothing to do with Meghan Markle looking stunning.
More realistically, the Spice Girls will probably perform at the bigger reception. We’re hoping it’s a super legit setup with lasers, fog, and wind machines, and that they perform for a minimum of 45 minutes. Think Super Bowl halftime show, but with a bigger budget and more time. The world deserves this, so there will obviously be an HD livestream for all of us to enjoy. There is nothing about this that seems unreasonable to me.
That just leaves the smaller, private family event, and the Spice Girls would be a great choice for that as well. I’m thinking a chill acoustic setup, with just five stools and a guitarist, so that the artistry of each individual Spice Girl can really shine through. They’ll perform an hour-long set of some of their lesser-known hits, as well as covers of Adele songs. Hopefully the space will be really small, so Queen Elizabeth will be seated less than 10 feet from these five other British Queens. I also require that Ginger Spice wears her bedazzled Union Jack minidress, because patriotism.
So, that’s what the real itinerary should look like for the
royal wedding Spice Girls reunion weekend extravaganza. Prince Harry and Meghan Markle can direct any questions to me, because I am now in charge of planning this whole thing. But really, the Spice Girls are performing, and we couldn’t be happier about it.
Images: Columbia Pictures; Giphy (3)
Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!
There’s nothing I love more than a holiday that encourages you to get shitfaced off green beer as an excuse to celebrate a part of your heritage that represents 2% of your genetic makeup. Seriously. I’m sure my great-great grandfather’s step-sister’s,cousin’s child who actually fucking lived in Ireland would be v proud of me for making out with that ginger in a dingy LES bar.
And the only way I feel I can properly show that love is to rank people who are 100% redheaded and most definitely not 100% Irish for my own amusement. Side note: in the midst of
chugging Guinness researching this piece I googled “popular redheads” and a number of porn sites came up. If that is not an indicator of how this article turned out then I don’t know what is. Anyway, here’s a list of our favorite redheads ranked in honor of St. Pat:
10. Ron Weasley
First of all, you’re poor. And not in the cute hipster/starving artist way that makes me want to pay all of your bills and fund your recreational cocaine problem, but rather in the I’m-going-to-complain-about-this-for-seven-fucking-books way while wearing an ugly fucking sweater. Secondly, not only did it take you seven years to grow some balls and actually help fight Lord Voldemort instead of gulping at spiders or whatever other spineless shit you were doing while your best friend was actually fighting wars, but it also took you that long to ask the DIME PIECE that is Hermione Granger out on a date. DO YOU HAVE EYES, RON?? This girl, for reasons that escape me, actually wants your dick and you’re like nah, could be more beautiful, smart, fantastic feminist fish in the sea. *Whispers “you fucking idiot”*
Also you had an ex-girlfriend named Lavender and that really just speaks volumes about you. Minus 1,000 points for Gryffindor.
9. Donna Pinciotti
Donna is one of those girls that’s always saying shit like “I’m just more of a guy’s girl” and “girls don’t really like me.” Yeah, like your man hands and deep voice didn’t have anything to do with that. To make matters worse, you had a Kelso in your clutches and yet you still chose scrawny-ass Eric Foreman. But you did manage to snag Jackie Burkhart as a bestie so that saves you from last place. Barely.
8. Ed Sheeran
I know, I know. I’m probably going to catch shit for this one since people seem to be fucking obsessed with this guy, but how can you expect me to take someone who looks like this seriously? HOW.
Does he not look like the emo kid you sat next to in your 8th grade social studies class who was always writing poems in a dirty notebook about how popular girls didn’t like him? Seriously, every time I look at this guy it’s like a fucking time warp back to middle school. You’re a GROWN man wearing a cloth necklace and the same zip-up sweatshirt every fucking day. If it weren’t for the fact that “Kiss Me” will be the song I play
when hell freezes over on my wedding day then you’d be right up there with Ron Weasley, buddy.
7. Lindsay Lohan
Sorry LiLo, you would be higher on the list but you’ve pulled so many batshit stunts over the years (re: that time she got an accent or that time she chopped off her thumb to stay relevant) that I barely remember you’re a redhead. Seventh place for you.
6. Miranda Hobbes
Aka the member of Carrie Bradshaw’s posse that’s having the least amount of sex in the city. Don’t you feel like she’s the kind of person who sets fires to feel joy? That spikey/lesbian/mom haircut that plagued you through the entire series is keeping you from moving up the list, but you did have some fire one-liners so at least you have that going for you.
5. Emma Stone
So I know she won an Oscar and, like, fucks Ryan Gosling in every movie she’s ever been in so that counts for something. I guess. But she’s also about as exciting as that basic AF dress she wore to the Oscars. You may be an Oscar winner to the world but your only mid-list here, Stone.
4. Sansa Stark
Way to turn getting fucked over my your boyfriend/king/betrothed into one hell of a second act. Sansa went from the most annoying character on GoT to one of the most badass all while having fantastic AF skin. #Goals.
3. The Entire Cast of Riverdale
When I first started watching this show I thought maybe the wine I was drinking that had been sitting on my bar cart for six months had finally expired or something because every fucking character on the show was a ginger. And HOT gingers. It’s like the laws of physics ceased to exist on my screen. First of all, Archie is just the gift that keeps on giving. He’s an athlete, singer/song writer, and he’s constantly flashing his six pack abs. Seriously, this boy is hot AF and I would def risk jail time in order to hit that à la Ms. Grundy.
Then there’s Cheryl Blossom aka the person I want to be when I grow up. She’s like a redheaded Regina George and her one-liners are the reason I get up in the mornings. I’ll even overlook the low-key incest vibes happening between her and her brother because she is that hot.
2. Ginger Spice
Ginger makes it on the list because A) she’s a Spice Girl so fucking duh she’s making the list and B) she’s BFFs with my favorite Spice Girl, Baby, and that counts for something. “Surround yourself with people who are a stepping stone to the people you actually want to be friends with”—a direct quote from my mother. Aside from being the Token Ginger, her signature look was anything that showed her cleavage. And like, same girl. Thank you for teaching me the important lesson of using a deep V shirt to get ahead. It served me well during my college years… and all my other years on this earth.
1. Prince Harry
ALL HAIL THE KING. Prince Harry is hands down the best redhead to ever grace this planet and I will fight you if you disagree. Not only is he a prince and like v rich and gorgeous but he’s also the prince who isn’t losing his hair rn and can coincidentally fuck marry a commoner like me. Cheers.