Thank God for this week’s episode of The Handmaid’s Tale. I had honestly gotten worried that the show was bad now after those first three eps, which felt like a hodge-podge of fake inspirational moments set to weird music. But this week, dear readers, we are back and I, for one, am happy to feel the familiar terror of a good Handmaid’s ep again. We also get lots of Janine, which is never a bad thing.
We open on church bells, which are never a good sign in Gilead. All the women of Gilead appear to be on a power walk. Gotta get those steps in. Just because you’re living under an oppressive patriarchal theocracy doesn’t mean you can’t be fit!
Aunt Lydia has a new scooter, which is nice for her. OfRobert calls her “Hell on wheels,” but I prefer “Paulina Blart Handmaid Cop.” Turns out they’re all walking to a mass baptism, which is the Gilead version of Coachella. When they arrive, Janine, OfMatthew the narc, and June all get to sit in the VIP section because they’ve had children before. How nice for them. Maybe this is a good birthday party theme after all???
Flashback To Before Things Went To Sh*t
All of this reminds June of when Hannah was baptized, which was a significantly less depressing affair. I had forgotten about June’s badass feminist mom, who immediately calls the priests “holier than thou child molesters” and tells June that you “cannot let religon control your choices,” because “thats what they want.” Foreshadowing much, Mama June?
The biggest takeaway from these scenes is that June and Luke are extremely cute, and Moira’s discomfort during the ceremony made me feel seen.
Baptism Pool Party!!!
Fred is here. Why is Fred always here?
June: I ought to feel hatred for this man. I know I ought to feel it, but it isn’t what I feel…
Me: Don’t worry girl I’ve got you on the hating Fred front.
Gilead whenever they see babies:
After the baptism, there is a party at Janine’s old house, which the handmaids are invited to attend. Truly wild that Janine is invited to that party considering she once kidnapped the baby of the house and jumped off a bridge with it but, whatevs. All is forgiven, I guess.
OfMatthew: Handmaids shouldn’t be at the party. That’s not how it works.
OfMatthew was clearly the one who raised her hand to tell the teacher they forgot to assign homework back in the old days.
Serena Joy arrives fashionably late, and June pulls her aside to remind her that, despite the whole kidnapping and losing a finger thing, SJ is still the HBIC of the wives. She has the best eyebrows. She has all the cigs. She’s essentially the cool senior who smokes on the quad during lunch. And that, my friends, is power.
Oh, Canada
Can I just say the scenes of Emily trying to readjust to normal life are some of the best of this series and Alexis Bledel is a national goddamn treasure? Can I just say that?
Me as soon as Emily comes on screen knowing she is to be reunited with her wife:
Emily and her high cholesterol go to her wife, Sylvia’s, place to reintroduce her to their son, Oliver, and once again Handmaid’s Tale has me sobbing into my wine glass. Like, did they really need to cast an adorable little boy with an adorable little boy lisp for this scene? Couldn’t they have chosen one of those kids with the weirdly sweaty hands and a perpetual snot bubble or something? Give us a f*cking break.
Oliver: Emily will you read to me?
Emily: *Sobbing immediately*
Sylvia: *Sobbing immediately*
Me: *Sobbing immediately*
Oliver: Uh…okay…I guess I’ll just read it myself…
Back to the Party
We open on a casual Aunt Lydia sh*t talking session. OfMatthew interrupts immediately with an “Aunt Lydia is just doing her job,” and it’s like OKAY HERMIONE DON’T YOU HAVE SOME F*CKING STUDYING TO DO?!? Janine has resumed her role as the Spongebob of Gilead by acting like getting frisked by the police was just some light tickling, and by offering to bring Aunt Lydia some tea. Here’s a screenshot of that moment:
Aunt Lydia: I know why all the handmaids don’t like me. They blame me for Emily.
Janine: *stares in one eyeball*
Meanwhile in the kitchen, the sh*t talking sesh has been interrupted by Fred, who clears the entire room within 30 seconds.
“Have you girls tried the buffet? The deviled eggs are delicious.” – Fred flirting.
Once the other handmaids are gone, Fred turns to June for advice about his marriage, which he thinks is ruined because of Nichole, but is actually ruined because he let his friends cut his wife’s finger off. This is basically a recreation of every time your guy friend comes to you for dating advice, and you have to find a way to gently tell him that he’s a f*ckboi with bad style whose dating app profile needs serious work.
June: Maybe you should let Serena have thoughts and opinions again?
Fred:
Janine and Angela
Cut to: Serena Joy enjoying a Virginia Slim by the pool.
June tells SJ that she told Fred to stop being such a f*ck and to give her more of a say in what goes on in Gilead. SJ repays this later by telling June where Hannah is most likely to go to school. Besties!!!
June: Wear the dress. Pull the strings.
Me: Brb I have a new tattoo to get.
Sadly, the party takes a dark turn when baby Angela (aka Janine’s baby) comes out to play.
Janine as soon as she sees Angela:
Things honestly go okay at first. Janine is allowed to hold Angela and she doesn’t try to murder-suicide her so it’s a definite improvement over the last time they hung out. Then, in typical Janine fashion, she loses her sh*t and starts begging to be their handmaid again so she can live in the house with Angela, which leads to Aunt Lydia LOSING HER F*CKING MIND AND BEATING JANINE IN FRONT OF EVERYONE. Clearly almost dying did *not* sit well with her and she’s basically the Hulk now. But like, a v religious Hulk that needs a scooter to get around. June eventually stops her but, damn, that’s one way to ruin a party. Like, of all the times I’ve been to a party and felt like I ruined it, at least I never lost my mind and beat the sh*t out of a mentally ill woman with one eyeball who also happens to be my only friend. At least I’ve never done that.
Aunt Lydia after she’s done going psycho on Janine:
Like most parties that go south this fast, the police arrive. June lingers around to see the cops showing Fred and SJ some YouTube videos on their iPad. Weird. The video turns out to be of Luke and baby Nichole at a protest. This makes June happy, and when the cops ask her if that’s Luke, she confirms his identity, but is anybody else worried Gilead is gonna use this to try and get baby Nichole back? Like, is this going to be an Elian Gonzalez situation? Because I feel like Luke’s legal argument for keeping Nichole is dubious at best. But maybe that’s just the conspiracy theorist in me.
Back In Canada
The episode ends with Moira and Luke trying to explain their relationship with Nichole to a priest so they can get her baptized, which only makes me believe more in my theory that a Nichole custody battle is forthcoming.
We end on a very sweet scene of Luke and Moira baptizing Nichole set to “Down by the River to Pray” from O Brother Where Art Thou? A family truly can look like anything!
Under his eye, fam. Until next week!
Images: Hulu; Giphy (7)
For this jumbo-sized Handmaid’s Tale recap, we’ll be tackling episodes two and three of season three of The Handmaid’s Tale because Hulu knows if you want to hook an audience you have to let them binge at least three episodes. Are we surprised that the people who brought Gilead to life are this devious?
Speaking of Gilead, does anyone feel like they don’t understand this country’s rules anymore? Sometimes they’re cutting off women’s fingers for reading the Bible too sexily, and other times they’re sending June home from a kidnapping attempt with a slap on the wrist. IDGI.
For example, here are some things that had absolutely no consequences last episode:
-June kidnapping Nichole and sending her to Canada.
-June attempting to kidnap Hannah and getting caught.
-Serena Joy burning her own house down.
I’d be pretty pissed if I were one of the thousands of women season one Gilead executed for looking at milk too long.
Episode two opens on June getting started at her new job. We get a two second glimpse of Janine, which is about a thousand less seconds then we deserved. Where’s that crazy bitch been? I miss her.
June has a new walking partner (OfMatthew) who tells June (and by extension, us) that Gilead is about to “take back Chicago.” Kanye must be devastated. OfMatthew tells June she’s been “praying for the Waterfords” and attempts to talk sh*t about Emily, who has been blamed for kidnapping the Waterfords’ baby. Sadly it seems that OfMatthew is something of a narc.
OfMatthew: I don’t know why OfJoseph would do such a thing!
June: Back up bitch, that’s my best f*cking friend.
OfMatthew f*cks off once June gets to the grocery store, giving her time to chat with OfRobert about the news of the day like the fact that Chicago is lost and all the Marthas are hanging out without them.
OfRobert: The Marthas know everything but they don’t f*ck with handmaids.
June: Oh really…
At Commander Zaddy’s
Holy sh*t, Aunt Lydia is alive! I distinctly remember her being stabbed multiple times and falling down a flight of stairs, but apparently she has risen from the dead. Once again I ask myself, am I watching Game of Thrones?
Aunt Lydia wants to know wtf is up with Commander Zaddy’s wife, Madame Zaddy, and I agree. Is this a Jane Eyre situation? It’s hard to tell. Either way, Aunt Lydia is not into Commander Zaddy at all and wastes no time asking June to tell her if she also gets bad vibes. Then, out of nowhere, Lydia just loses her sh*t and TASES OFFRED. Like, one minute they’re chatting about Emily, the weather, etc…The next minute, Aunt Lydia is all psycho about to light a bitch up. I guess that whole getting stabbed and falling down the stairs thing did have some effect.
Aunt Lydia on her way out: BTW I saw you gossiping at the grocery store.
Offred:
Emily In Canada
In this scene, Emily goes to the doctor and tbh I blacked out at the words “clitoral reconstruction.” But apparently Emily has high cholesterol.
Back At Commander Zaddy’s
Oh hell yeah, it’s Martha time. June finds the Marthas plotting to get somebody out and she sees now as the perfect time to infiltrate her new friend group. One of the Marthas has no eye which makes me miss Janine. Where the f*ck is Janine?
June: Owwwkayyyy ladies now let’s get in formation!!! How do we do, fellow Marthas?
Marthas:
June walking into the forbidden parts of the city:
Martha One: God bless our laborers.
Martha Two: Through we are cleansed.
June: ….ditto.
The plan works great until it doesn’t, and a shot Martha shows up at their house, screaming and making a f*ckton of noise. June, who once had to silently give birth alone, isn’t having any of it and tells her to STFU immediately.
Commander Zaddy: What was that?
One Eyed Martha: We…saw…a…rat?
Commander Zaddy:
After a very close call with the police, the shot Martha dies and June is forced to bury her body in the backyard alone because Commander Zaddy is “mad” they brought a “fugitive” into his house to let her “die there” or whatever.
In this scene Commander Z also screams “DO NOT PRESUME TO SPEAK TO ME ABOUT MY WIFE!!!” which is def the new “don’t talk to me or my son ever again.”
Back To Canada
Cut to: Luke drunkenly ruining dinner because he can’t get his sh*t together, like he’s me at Thanksgiving or something. He’s asking Emily questions about her family even though Emily hasn’t decided if she’s going to slide into her ex wife’s DMs just yet.
Moira: Hey Luke, why don’t you go get the f*cking potatoes and STFU?
Turns out Luke is just sad because Nichole reminds him of June. Blah blah blah the Canada scenes are boring.
Cut to: Emily getting an eye exam.
Emily’s post-Gilead to-do list so far:
1. Go to the eye doctor.
2. Clitoral reconstruction.
3. Find out if family remembers me.
It is under these—and only these—circumstances that any human would ever actually get their eye doctor’s appointment done first. Under any other circumstances you just procrastinate that sh*t until you’re no longer legally allowed to operate a vehicle. Once the eye exam is done, Emily jumps right to #3 on the list, reconnecting with family. Because the clitoral thing is probs gonna take some time.
Emily: hi
Emily’s Wife: Em?
Me:
Serena’s Mom Has Got It Goin’ On: ‘The Handmaid’s Tale’ Episode Three
In between my watching episodes two and three, Kylie Jenner threw her friend a Handmaid’s Tale themed birthday party. Because we all watch Gilead and think, “I want to go to there!” Let’s see how well this episode matches up with Kylie’s fun bday theme!
We open on hanging bodies. Or as Kylie would call them, piñatas. Janine is back, thank God, but we still only get like two seconds of J-time. Bring back Janine! We want our girl! Apparently the rules of Gilead aren’t totally over because the government has been hanging a f*ckton of Marthas for their involvement in May Day.
“If I’m going to survive this, I’m going to need allies. Allies with power.” – June/Me At A Party
At Commander Zaddy’s
Turns out that Commander Z is so important that he never has to go to meetings. Nope. He has the meetings come to him. And that, my friends, is a career goal. All the Commanders are over to meet with Z, which unfortunately means that Fred and baby’s penis are also in attendance. Any party Fred is invited to is one I do not want to know anything about.
Fred: Oh, hey June
June: Okay cut the sh*t and tell me everything you know about Commander Lawrence.
June presses Fred for tea on Commander Zaddy and Fred willingly spills it because he is a weak-willed little snot. His big revelations? “We’ve found him hard to read,” and “he doesn’t like to be bored.”
Thanks Fred, you useless f*ck.
Serena And Her Mom
So this is Serena Joy’s mom. Mama Joy. Turns out Serena’s been staying at her mom’s place while she figures out whether or not she wants to stay married to a guy who let his friends cut her finger off. Decisions, decisions. Luckily, Rita has made Serena a very chic blue leather finger to wear around. I’m not kidding when I say this leather finger is gorgeous, and I could honestly see it being the accessory of the season. Kylie really missed out by not giving these out as favors at her party.
Serena’s mother is hosting a casual prayer group at her house, which is the Gilead version of throwing one of those MLM sex toy parties. Just when you think the prayer circle is done, the priest calls in Serena and says he wants to pray for “her marriage.” Even in Gilead, you gotta worry about your mom spilling all your business to her friend group.
Serena: I don’t want to go back to Fred because he let his friends cut my finger off.
Mama Joy:
The Men’s All-Male Misogyny Meeting
And now for a glimpse into Commander Zaddy’s patriarchy book club. What fun! June is on pouring duty so she gets to hear pieces of the meeting, and whaddya know, NICK is there! This means that Nick has gotten promoted to Commander, and might I just say that he looks great in those Commander clothes? Praise be, indeed.
Commander Z calls June to pour sh*t and commences playing some f*ckboy games with her. He makes her go get a sexist book off the bookshelf and all the men creepily watch her because they are all gross, horny bastards who get turned on by even the most basic librarian duties.
Commanders: *All laugh at June*
June:
After the meeting, June checks in with Commander Zaddy to be like “Uh…what the f*ck was that?” and they get in a big fight about good and evil and morality and whatnot. My eyes rolled all the way back into my f*cking skull when Commander Z makes an offhanded remark about “binders full of women” here, which is a reference to a 2012 Mitt Romney quote. What’s next? June looks to the camera and says, “I’m a Nasty Woman!” Maybe Janine will drop a “nevertheless she persisted”? Corny. As. F*ck.
To prove to June he’s right (or just to f*ck with her, I’m not sure) Commander Zaddy brings June to a military facility where they’re holding a bunch of women meant for the colonies.
June: Wtf is this?
Commander: They were supposed to all be killed but I’m sending them to the colonies!
June: That’s still basically killing them tho…
Commander: But I got five of them jobs as Marthas!
June: There are like five hundred people here?
Commander: There were only five jobs!
June: Is this supposed to impress me?
In the end, the Commander tells June she has to decide which five get to be Marthas. Because like a typical f*ckboy, he’s gotta drag her down into all his own bullsh*t.
June + Serena
Next up on the reunion train: Serena Joy! Serena stops by June’s place to trade traumas. This is the Gilead version of when your friend texts you and is like, “Come downstairs, I’m outside and have wine!”
We end with an inspirational montage. Part of it is Serena Joy just like, running into the ocean. She leaves her chic leather finger behind which is good because like, leather def cannot go in the ocean.
June surprises Commander Zaddy by presenting him with the five women she’s chosen, who, unbeknownst to him (or maybe beknownst to him? I can’t figure out what Commander Zaddy beknows), are all going to be able to aid in the #resistance.
And that, is what you do not f*ck with June, my friends. I still miss Janine tho.
Images: Hulu, Giphy (7),
You know how when you’re watching The Handmaid’s Tale you often think, “yes, but what about the men’s stories? I want to hear more from the men!” And remember how when we met Luke, Offred’s hipster husband from before everything went to crazy town you were like, “Let’s follow this riveting character for an entire episode!”
Yup. This week was a whole episode of just Luke. No Offred. No Serena Joy. We don’t even get Crazy-Ass One Eyeball Janine. Just Luke, two seconds of Offred, their gorgeous child, and a shitload of random Canadian hipsters.
This. Is. Not. What. I. Watch. This. Shit. For. We were literally just starting to get to the actual sexy sex (aka “consensual sex”) parts and then the writers decide to throw us a full episode of Luke in the tundra clutching a gunshot wound? No thank you. If I wanted to watch men run around in the woods I would have watched The Revenant instead of immediately dumping my boyfriend for suggesting it.
Anyway, here’s the recap:
As we all know, last episode we found out that Luke was alive and Offred was able to get a message to him via the Mexican ambassador’s friend, who turned out to be a very clutch person.
Offred: But he was shot! I heard the gunshots.
Mexican Ambassador’s Friend: Hearing gunshots but not seeing a body is a common storytelling device for revealing at a later time that a character is still alive! Jesus, they really don’t let you read, do they?
We open on Luke, Offred, and Gorgeous Baby Hannah hauling ass to Canada. Things are going fine until Luke, for literally no reason, drives off the road into a ditch.
Now is really not the time to be distracted by your aux cord, dude.
The rest is a recap of what we already know: Offred and Gorgeous Baby Hannah bolt to the border only to be caught by the Guardians (aka the cops), Luke gets shot and left for dead.
What we didn’t now is Luke’s not dead. He’s just shot pretty bad. Honestly, if you didn’t see this coming from a mile away go to the optometrist because you need stronger contacts.
Luke blacks out from the whole blood loss thing and wakes up in an ambulance, which is cool for about two seconds until that ambulance also gets into a car accident and flips over.
Two car accidents in the span of 30 minutes? Get you a man who can do both, I guess.
Luke survives yet again, leading me to believe that the real story here is that Luke is some kind of superhero with regeneration powers. Like Hayden Panettiere in that show about the cheerleader.
Luke sets off on priority number one when you’ve just been in two car accidents, shot, and your wife and kid are missing: finding his Warby Parkers and throwing on a sweet cardigan.
Mission accomplished. Luke seamlessly transitions his look from “two car accidents and a bullet wound” to “recurring character on Girls” and sets off into the woods. Honestly, this dude’s dedication to style is really admirable.
Cut to an eternity of Luke all dazed and wandering through the woods. I get up. I make myself some popcorn. I come back. He’s still in the woods. I text some people. Start some drama. Look up from my phone. Luke is still in the woods. I call the people I texted before. I tell them I’m sorry. We solve it. Luke is still in the woods. I go on Tinder. Swipe right. Meet someone. We go out. We date a little bit. It doesn’t work out because the sex was bad. I ghost him. I come back. Luke is still in the woods.
And so on and so forth until the day I die.
Luke finally finds refuge in an abandoned town with a bunch of anti-gay slurs spray painted everywhere and glass all over the place. So basically like, fraternity row during the summer.
It appears to be cold AF.
Luke: *is dying*
Audience: Ugh I hope he fucking kicks the bucket soon so the episode can switch back to Offred’s POV.
Flashback to Offred and Luke on their way to flee the border. They gave Gorgeous Baby Hannah a shitload of pills, so she’s either sleeping or tripping balls. Either way, she’s quiet.
They meet some shady old border crossing dude who is clearly their contact for getting into Canada to chill with Justin Trudeau (I’m assuming Justin Trudeau is still Prime Minister in this universe).
Border Crossing Guy: Leave your backpack. If they think you’re fleeing they’ll kill you.
Luke: But what about all our photo albums!
Offred: Um hey dude I’m like five minutes from being sold into religious reproductive servitude so let’s do what the guy says and give him the fucking backpack, we’ll take pictures when we get to Canada thankssomuch.
Luke: I hear that. I respect that. I’m taking the photo albums.
Luke, Offred, and Drugged Out Baby Hannah pop in the trunk of border crossing guy’s car, and shit is all good until they’re stopped by the cops. You think the jig is up, but then the cop who inspects the car pretends not to see them.
Border Crossing Guy: Haha yeah that cop’s my friend. I fucked his sister once and now he owes me a favor.
Luke: Uh…what?
They arrive at Border Crossing Guy’s house and Hannah is still dead asleep, meaning they must have really put her on some good shit. Like, they’ve been through hours of driving, a ride in the trunk, and a brush with the police and homegirl is still dead asleep. Can someone please get me Offred’s dealer? I don’t believe for one second this is Benadryl.
Border Crossing Guy: Hey Luke have you ever used a gun?
Luke: Literally look at me. Have you seen my scarf? Of course I haven’t ever used a gun. Unless by “used a gun” you mean “read a New Yorker cartoon,” in which case—
Border Crossing Guy: *shows him how to use a gun*
Cut back to present-day Luke, being rudely awoken by some chick with a flashlight.
Flashlight Girl: *looks at his gunshot wound* You’re gonna bleed to death.
Luke: You know I was kind of getting that feeling.
Luke gets carted away by a group of freedom fighter looking types, who happen to all also be hipsters. Has Luke found his tribe?? Based on the number of beanies per capita in this bus, I’d say yes. Honestly I’m surprised no one has tried to feed him a vegan kale smoothie or asked him if he’s seen the new Twin Peaks. Am I really supposed to believe that this guy survived the downfall of the American government?
Flashback to Luke, Offred, and Hannah casually playing outside while waiting for Border Crossing Guy as if they’re not like, in fucking hiding and shit. They get spotted by someone because, of course they did.
Cut back to Luke, who has decided he’s getting off the Bonnaroo bus and going back to find Offred and their Xanax child. The girl who found Luke, who appears to be the leader of the hipsters, replies with a hearty “nah.”
Luke: Stop the bus I’m getting off.
Leader Of The Hipsters: Lol I have a gun sit the fuck down.
Luke: Okay well I tried.
Flashback to Offred and Luke being rudely barged in upon by the guy who spotted them before. Luke does literally nothing while Offred immediately pulls out a gun.
Who run da world?
The random man tells them that their border crossing guy was killed, and that they have to GTFO right now because the police know about them. Fuck. Okay.
Random Guy: This is all pretty fucked up, huh?
Offred: They’re going to steal my daughter and make me fuck old people for a living.
Cut back to Luke, who has finally been let off the bus and is planning to head back into the U.S. to try and find Offred and Hannah.
Hipster Leader: Hey, before you go, let me show you a bunch of dead bodies I found.
Luke: Okay, okay I’ll go with you to Canada.
We’re finally at the border crossing and there’s a problem: the hipster tourbus only paid for five people to cross, and now that Luke is there, there are six.
New Border Crossing Guy: I need payment.
Luke (after two seconds of thought): Here is my wedding ring.
Damn. That’s a pretty quick turnaround from “I’m going back into Gilead to save my family” to “here is my wedding ring, take it, it’s trash.”
Luke, I see you.
Hipster Leader, Luke, and this chick who has been crying the whole time go to get on their border crossing boat when out of nowhere, people start shooting at them like crazy. Hipster Leader gets shot and dies.
RIP Leader of the Hipsters. You had great eyebrows, and for that, you will be missed.
Chick who has been crying the whole time is really crying now. She’s the Crazy-Ass One Eyeball Janine of this episode.
We jump a full three years into the future. Luke has made it to whatever is left of the United States. We know this because like the current United States, there are fucking flags everywhere. He’s casually chilling with Girl Who Cries All The Time; she’s stopped crying.
Luke gets a strange phone call and hauls ass to an American government office, where a lady tells him what we already know: Offred is alive, and she has a message for him.
Luke. Is. Stoked. Somewhere back in Gilead, Offred is looking determinedly off into the distance (like she does).
We finally hear what Offred’s letter said:
I love you.
So much.
Save Hannah.
And with that, Offred rolls up in the last 30 seconds to steal an episode she literally had four lines in. Let’s hope we get back to her story next episode.
Well ladies, it’s that time of the week again. Time to check in on the handmaids of Gilead, and honestly, if you don’t immediately donate your entire direct deposit to your local Planned Parenthood after this one, then IDK what to tell you.
We open on sex, but like, the good kind. The kind where both people are into it and have orgasms and take off their clothes and stuff. It’s a welcome change.
Offred: But that can’t happen again.
Audience: Girl, I tell myself the same thing.
Sadly for Offred, the sex is over and now she’s back in Handmaid world, cleaning blood off of a wall, like ya do. Aunt Lydia is there and so is Crazy-Ass One Eyeball Janine. Important foreign people are coming to Gilead and they don’t want them to know about the whole “we hang bodies from this wall as a reminder to all of our iron-clad regime” thing.
Side bar to anyone from Gilead who is reading this rn (because Gilead is basically real at this point): Ya’ll would have a much easier time washing your blood wall if you try to clean it regularly, rather than only cleaning it when fancy foreigners are coming. But like, I always tell myself the same thing about cleaning my bedroom so I get that it’s easier said than done.
Random Handmaid From Episode One: Foreign ambassadors are coming. They’re going to be at your house.
Offred: How tf do you know that? And where tf did you come from? I haven’t seen you since episode one?
Random Handmaid From Episode One: My commander. Small dick, big mouth.
Offred: Lol okay you can hang.
Cut to Offred at home chatting with Serena Joy. Turns out Random Handmaid From Episode One was right: A trade delegation from Mexico is coming and SJ is in full wife mode, making sure everything is on point for when the Mexicans arrive.
SJ: Hey so, while I have you here, if you could not mention the fact that you’re a sex slave while the Mexicans are here, that would be so great.
Offred: But I am a—
SJ: Awesome. Great chat.
Flashback to when the Waterfords were actually in love and shit. Still prayed before sex tho. That is troubling.
Hot(ish) Nick picks up Offred to bring her to the Mexican Ambassador, but first they engage in some very important this-shit-could-get-us-killed PDA.
Hot(ish) Nick: You look pretty.
Offred: I wear the same shit every day.
Offred is now being presented to the Mexican Ambassador, who is a woman in a giant yellow pantsuit. Freedom and feminism at its finest.
Seriously. If this outfit doesn’t scream “I’m allowed to do whatever the fuck I want” then I don’t know what does.
Mexican Ambassador: So, Offred, are you happy?
Offred: …..
Offred:…yes.
We now learn a couple important things about the world of Gilead (aka, us in 5 years). First, we learn that there is a famine in Mexico because of global warming. They don’t have oranges, but we do have oranges. Mr. Waterford is pretty shitty about it.
Mr. Waterford: I know you have rights but do you have…ORANGES?!?!
Then, the Mexican Ambassador drops a fucking bomb—Serena Joy once wrote a book about “domestic feminism” called A Woman’s Place and was arrested for inciting a riot.
SERENA JOY WE SEE YOU NOW OKURRRRR??????
Mexican Ambassador: When you wrote your book, did you ever imagine a society like this?
Serena Joy: A society that reduced carbon emissions by 70%?
Mexican Ambassador: No, a society in which women can no longer read your book.
Audience: OHHH SHIT WOOOOOORRRRLLLDDD STAAAARRRR
The Mexican Ambassador keeps asking all the women if they like living in Gilead and it’s like, hey lady why don’t you try asking them when all the men who own them aren’t around? Like maybe declare a girl’s trip to the bathroom and get the real shit? Just a thought.
Flashback to Serena Joy’s old life, when she was allowed to wear florals. She and Mr. Waterford plan a fun date to the movies (surprised they don’t have to pray before that too) and they’re about to start the movie when Mr. Waterford gets a crucial text (hate when that happens…)
Mr. Waterford: Remember that terrorist attack we planned? The one on The White House, Congress, and The Supreme Court? Well it’s happening.
Serena Joy: Praise Be
Um…okay so a few things here:
1. I knew Serena Joy was a bitch, but I didn’t know she was a blow-up-the-government-bitch. I thought she was just a like, be-nice-to-your-face-then-subtweet-you-from-the-bathroom type person. This is a new level.
2. Maybe Mr. Waterford is new to the whole terrorism thing, but this def seems like the type of conversation you would not want to be having via text. At least do Snapchat. That shit disappears.
3. Turn down your brightness, dude. You’re in a movie. Honestly this confirms everything I’ve ever thought about what type of person uses full brightness in a movie theater. Terrorists.
Cut back to Offred, who is in her room chilling when Hot(ish) Nick shows up. Mr. Waterford wants to see her. The two of them start making out in the hallway like this is the hallway before first period. Seriously, it’s like these two think they still live in the United States or something.
Just when you thought you’d forgotten that Mr. Waterford literally needs to play Scrabble to get hard, here are Offred and Mr. Waterford playing Scrabble again.
Offred is over it and not listening, which would be fine and normal behavior for someone playing Scrabble with a narc like Mr. Waterford if this wasn’t Gilead and she wasn’t his weird sex slave.
Mr. Waterford: Am I boring you?
Offred: No.
Offred Internal Monologue: We’re on game 500 of Scrabble what the fuck do you think?
Mr. Waterford gets offended that Offred isn’t wet for Scrabble and tells her to leave. Then Offred remembers one crucial detail: Mr. Waterford is a fuckboy, and like all fuckboys, he’s a fucking idiot.
Offred: Can I stay here, pweeeeeeeeeaaaasssseeee *bats eyelashes*
Mr. Waterford: Yes. I am a weak and fragile male.
Then Mr. Waterford and Offred then start MAKING OUT, like she wasn’t just making out with Hot(ish) Nick like two seconds ago.
Offred—u officially nasty. Honestly, you gotta hand it to the girl for living in patriarchal dystopian sex slavery and still managing to be a player. Like, take notes. Ya girl has it going on.
Now it’s time for a big party planned by Literal Terrorist Serena Joy, and all the handmaids are lined up getting your typical pre-prom pep talk from Aunt Lydia. No alcohol. Leave room for Jesus. Don’t tell anyone you’ve been conscripted against your will into sexual servitude. That kind of thing.
Oserena Bin Joydin shows up to take one last look at the handmaids to make sure they’re all presentable. Obviously, there is one person who is not presentable at all.
*cough*Janine*cough*
SJ: Um yeah who is the freak with no eyeball?
Aunt Lydia: Oh, that’s Crazy-Ass One Eyeball Janine. She’s actually the only person who is excited to be here so it’d be pretty sad if you—
SJ: Get her out of my fucking sight.
Crazy-Ass One Eyeball Janine: But I want to go to the party!
Aunt Lydia: First of all, chill, it’s not really a party. Second of all, I’ll make sure you get ice cream.
Crazy-Ass One Eyeball Janine: Oh. We good.
Honestly, I wish I loved anything as much as Janine loves ice cream. It’d make my life much richer.
Anyway, the girls all go into the party, which looks like the lamest fucking party I’ve ever seen, probably because it was planned by Serena Joy, who, need I remind you, prays before sex.
Offred: Ugh I used to smoke weed in the woods with Moira. This party fucking sucks.
Flashback to Serena Joy’s old life, when she was allowed to wear impeccably tailored navy skirt suits. Serena is upset because now that they blew up the government and installed a religious patriarchy, nobody will talk to her.
Hmm…wonder why the fuck that is?
This is why you don’t make alliances with men, ladies. They will betray you and make you wear green-blue forever. So rude.
Cut back to the party, where Gilead is about to pull out the big guns aka the fact that their country has children in it. The Mexicans, who haven’t seen babies in a while, eat this shit up. Honestly, this infertility crisis must be pretty serious if a bunch of people are anything but totally horrified to have a bunch of 4- and 5-year-old children show up at their party and start running around. Like, nobody is getting lit around this:
Offred: Looks like Mr. Waterford is going to get his orange trade.
Random Handmaid Who Said “Small Dick, Big Mouth” Earlier: Offred you fucking dumbass they’re not trading oranges, they’re trading handmaids.
Offred: ……………………………………………………..?
Yup. And that’s why you never trust a bitch in a giant yellow pantsuit. The Mexicans aren’t here for oranges. They’re here for handmaids so they can make them come to Mexico, and not in a cool spring break way; it’s in a continued-sex-slavery-but-now-in-a-place-where-you-don’t-speak-the-language-way. Very cool, Mexico.
Cut back to Mr. and Mrs. Waterford, who are pretty fucking stoked on how well the party went.
Mr. Waterford: You’re an amazing woman. I forgot.
Mrs. Waterford: You forgot about the time we literally planned the terrorist attack that created our current government situation? Rude.
Then they start hooking up. Honestly, everyone is hooking up this episode. For an oppressive theocracy, Gilead is horny as hell.
Speaking of horny, Offred is at Hot(ish) Nick’s loft apartment again, but she’s actually not horny at all. She’s the opposite of horny: upset about the role of women and her inability to take charge of her own biological destiny.
Offred: *finally describes what Mr. Waterford does to her as rape*
Hot(ish) Nick: So…are we hooking up tn or….?
The next day, Offred is getting ready to go on her daily walk with New Ofglen—who, need I remind you, said last episode she used to suck dick for meth—when she runs directly into the Mexican ambassador. The two of them are alone, which seems like a pretty huge oversight on the part of the Waterfords, but then again they’re Christian misogyny terrorist so who the fuck knows what they’re up to…
Mexican Ambassador: Hey Offred. So great to meet you. Do you want some chocolates?
Offred: I lied to you. This is a brutal place. We’re prisoners. If we run they try to kill us, or worse. They beat us. They use cattle prods to try to get us to behave. If we’re caught reading they cut off a finger. Second offense, the whole hand. They gauge out our eyes, maim us in worse ways than you could imagine. They rape me. Every month, whenever I might be fertile.
Mexican Ambassador: Um cool so about the choc—
Offred: I didn’t choose this. They caught me. I was trying to escape. They took my daughter. So don’t be sorry. Okay? Please don’t be sorry. Please do something.
Mexican Ambassador: Right so, there’s actually caramel chunks in here. Pretty good stuff if you’d just—
Offred: What are you gonna trade us for? We’re human beings. How can you do that? How?
Mexican Ambassador: PLEASE JUST TAKE THE CHOCOLATES MEXICO NEEDS BABIES!!!
I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again—this is why you never trust a bitch in a poorly tailored yellow pantsuit. Any true feminist would have her pantsuit game on lock. The Mexican ambassador is a snake who talks a big feminist game when it’s convenient for her but ditches it when it’s not. She’s basically Taylor Swift. She clearly just snagged this pantsuit from a thrift store on her way across the border to lull the women into a false sense of security. We should have all known she was fake and phony as soon as we saw her enormous pirate collar.
But just when we think all hope is lost, the Mexican Ambassador’s friend (heretofore known as: bae), who has just been chilling in the background of every scene doing nothing, turns his feminism level up to 11.
Bae: Offred, I can help you.
Offred: Nobody can help me. I am a pris—
Bae: I can get a message to your hipster husband who you thought was dead.
Offred: Oh fuck yeah actually that would be huge, thank you.
Tl;dr: Serena Joy and Mr. Waterford are terrorists, Hot(ish) Nick has the good dick, The Mexican Ambassador is a snake, Offred’s husband is alive, and Rod Rosenstein appointed a special counsel to investigate Trump’s ties to Russia.
Pretty eventful week, if I do say so myself.
