‘Love Is Blind’ Reunion Recap: The Hot Mess Jess Express

Can you guys believe I’m back to recap a reality show where everyone except one of the couples should not be together? No, I’m not talking about Vanderpump Rules, but Love is Blind, the Netflix sensation sweeping the nation.

Vanessa and Obviously Nick Lachey are back to host and to once again prove to us that their entire presence on this show is completely useless. How many times do you think the phrase “you got ENGAGED to someone SIGHT UNSEEN regardless of LOOKS, RACE, INCOME” will be uttered? Take a shot for every time it’s said, and then meet me in the hospital immediately after the show.

Here at the reunion are Lauren and Cam, Amber and Barnett, Jessica and Mark, Kenny and Kelly, and Diamond and Carlton. Amber has gone blonde, and I do feel like that choice better captures her chaotic energy. 

Mark, Jessica, Diamond, Carlton, and Kelly are currently single, and miraculously, both couples that got married on the show are still married. I’ve got to say, I fully expected Barnett and Amber to implode by now. 

Damian and Gigi are back together, which isn’t a shock really since we knew that already. It is a shock in the sense that they are extremely toxic, but whatever, it’s not my life.

First up is Kenny and Kelly. Kenny is dating someone, but Kelly is single. Since the show, Kelly’s dated one of her best friends who was at their wedding. And meanwhile, I’ve been going on year five without a man, so… somebody nominate me for season 2. Kelly says some B.S. about “growth” and her “journey” from the show or whatever, and Kenny is flexing real hard that he’s got a new girlfriend. I can’t hate the guy because I’d be doing the same thing, though.

Amber’s first comment is that she “hasn’t killed Barnett yet”, which honestly, I really thought would happen. Well, more accurately, I thought she’d pull a Lorena Bobbitt on him, but same idea. 

So Gigi and Damian are “so together” (once again, methinks the lady doth protest too much). She already starts tearing up while talking about waking up next to Damian every day. Call me cynical, but I’m going to stick to my theory that they’re both actors. That was a pretty good performance, though, I’ll give them that.

Lauren and Cam, dream couple, are still married, and Mark is single, wearing less and going out more. Ya love to see it.

Barnett looks back on him leading on three girls in the pod simultaneously and has #noregrets. They never do, do they? He claims he’s “not super good with girls.”

All of us: 

We know what we saw in the pod, Barnett.

Amber talks about how all the girls were together in the pod (I forgot about that part) and she and LC had an agreement that they just wouldn’t talk about Barnett to each other. Jessica, meanwhile, told Amber that Barnett was proposing (she was also holding her beloved bottle of Joel Gott red wine and slurring her words at the time, classic Messica). Amber calls Jessica sheisty for throwing herself at Barnett in Mexico. Honestly, go off sis. 

Jessica admits that she didn’t take Barnett’s rejection very well (you can say that again) and apologizes to Amber. Good move Jessica, Amber won’t stab you in the heart with her stiletto heel… today. Jessica says she has no hard feelings toward Amber, to which Amber just laughs. Jessica, on second thought, you might want to sleep with one eye open.

Vanessa and Nick are so f*cking messy, asking Amber if she accepts Jessica’s apology, and then when Amber explains her thought process that she felt like she looked like a fool for being friends with Jessica, they just cut in like “okay but do you accept the apology OR NAH?”

Black Chyna Texting Other Girls

DO YOU ACCEPT JESSICA’S APOLOGY, YES OR NO!

Like damn, let Amber speak! I know y’all want to be seen as relevant or at all integral to this show, but we didn’t come here for you.

Amber says she accepts “the intent behind the apology” but not the apology itself yet. I love that non-acceptance-acceptance, it feels straight out of the Real Housewives of Potomac.

So everyone loves Lauren (same), and Damian reminisces on how he and Lauren used to talk to each other in Star Wars voices and had a great time in the pod, and Giannina is plotting all the ways in which she could murder her and then flee the country, never to be heard from again.

Me to Lauren:

Why am I relating everything to murder in this recap? Because of who I am as a person.

We relive Carlton and Diamond’s engagement. Oh, this is gonna be awkward. I’m taking a deep breath as we revisit the Carlton/Diamond breakup in Mexico. For the record, I can see both sides. If I were Diamond, I’d be upset that Carlton had all the time in the pods to bring up his sexuality, but waited until we were engaged to reveal that to me. But on the other hand, I can obviously understand why Carlton would be hesitant to share that information. And if Diamond didn’t have a problem with his sexuality in the first place, then the revelation probably would not have been a big deal, even with the timing.

Wow, I almost forgot how Carlton told Diamond to watch her wig. A truly iconic reality TV moment.

Carlton cries and expresses regret for not talking to Diamond earlier. I can’t tell if I would be happy if these two got back together. Their fight was explosive, but they were kinda cute in the pods?

Okay, never mind, Diamond says that she would never be back with Carlton because of the way he disrespected her during their fight.

Obviously, Nick is like, “I think what I’m hearing from both of you is that you both regret being messy af during that fight.” Yeah dude, we’ve spent the last 10 minutes saying exactly that.

Then Carlton gets up, says he’s NOT PROPOSING, kneels down with a ring box, to… apologize and give Diamond the ring back? Damn, Love is Blind has a higher budget than The Bachelor if Carlton is allowed to keep the ring. In The Bachelor, they have to be married for 2 years or else that shit goes back to Neil Lane.

Vanessa: OMG, I’m speechless.

Ok, stay that way! We didn’t come here for y’all!

Next up is the Damian and Gigi show, where Gigi claims she didn’t go into the pods with a pre-planned idea of proposing to Damian. Sure, Jan. Sure.

They’re still dating, but not living together, which is actually… a sensible thing to do? I’m actually shocked.

Watching the clip back of Gigi giving Damian his “bow” back, he starts tearing up. Can somebody call LA and get this guy an acting gig!? He cries and apologizes for putting her through the embarrassment of getting left at the altar on TV, but says he’d do it again because they’re in a better place now.

Okay, Gigi acknowledges that she self-sabotages (take a drink, because just like SIGHT UNSEEN is Nick and Vanessa’s catchphrase, self-sabotage is hers), and admitted that she blew up in non-productive ways. HA! To all you who doubted me in the comments of my other article, I say, HA! 

And, she starts crying… ok, we get it, I’m convinced… of y’all’s acting skills. Just kidding, I’m sure they really love each other! I just can’t imagine watching that toxic tornado of a relationship on screen and thinking, “yeah, let’s totally give this another round.” These two really prove that love is blind, and also, unhealthy.

Vanessa is literally Lauren B. from The Bachelor, being like “I love that” to everything everybody says.

Vanessa: I love your love.
Me, audibly at my desk: Ew.

Now it’s time to talk about Kelly and Kenny, or as my friend put it, “the boring couple who I can’t believe didn’t get married in the end.” I do feel like they totally pulled a bait-and-switch on us, acting totally stable until the bitter end.

Kenny says all the takeaways he learned from the show, he applied to his new relationship. So he and his new gf only talk to each other through a wall! Just kidding, he’s learned to be vulnerable and whatever. Next.

Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Vanessa: I’ll say it: Kenny for President

Vanessa, we have enough white men in the race. We’re good.

Kelly immediately starts crying, and no wonder, because she’s gotten a lot of hate even though she says she and Kenny agreed to not get married beforehand. She says she loved Kenny but she wasn’t in love with him, and she wanted to continue dating but Kenny was like “nah, I’m good”. Ouch.

Kelly is all of us, admitting she’s friend-zoned all the good guys that she should probably be marrying. I’ll say it: Kelly for President! F*ck you, Vanessa.

Nick and Vanessa: Amber and Barnett, how’s married life been?
Barnett: Well, I live every day in constant fear that she’ll castrate me, so it’s a wild ride for sure.

I want to know if Amber has gotten a job, or at least a credit limit above $700? No shade, but I feel like a 12-year-old could get a higher credit limit than that. (Ok, maybe some shade.)

Amber admits that at one point she’d called a divorce lawyer, but they somehow made it through to the other side (maybe Amber realized she didn’t have enough money for a divorce?). 

Finally, it’s what everyone’s been waiting for: The Hot Mess Jess Express. Frankly, I’m a little disappointed to see Contrite Jessica. She’s recognizing she drank too much, admitting she was working through a lot of issues that caused her to say wild sh*t, apologizing to Mark for implying he’s not good-looking. Of course, I’m happy for her and her growth, but who’s bringing the drama this reunion? I guess I’ll have to take one for the team and do it *downs an entire bottle of Malbec* let’s go.

wine

Mark, true sensitive king, doesn’t throw Jessica under the bus, and still calls her a “phenomenal woman.” My exes wouldn’t piss on me if I was on fire, how do I get a Mark in my life?

Mark does admit that he wishes Jessica had told him that she still had feelings for Barnett, and Jessica blames it on the fact that she was served whiskey. LMAO! There she is! I’m going to start saying “Well, I was served whiskey” any time someone calls me out for doing something crazy when drunk. Girl, I don’t think that’s how it works.

There’s honestly no real need to recap the Lauren and Cameron love story. They’re happy, we’re happy, everyone’s happy. They have a puppy, so they’re officially goals. 

Vanessa: We got a fur baby, and we were committing to what we’d be like as parents.

For the last time, Vanessa! This isn’t about you!

Cameron is such a cutie, talking about Lauren’s dad and crying. Cool, now I’m crying. I didn’t ask for this. They are the cutest, and if they ever break up I’ll have to take a week off work.

Lmao now Vanessa is crying. You know what girl, I’ll give you this one. Go ahead, cry it out.

Vanessa: Nick and I always said, this was a social experiment. This was a love experiment. But ultimately, your feelings were real.

Lol, acting as if they themselves designed the experiment instead of just popped up every time they were contractually obligated to give the same speech about LOVE BEING TRULY BLIND. Listen Netflix, on Love is Blind season 2, we don’t want a host. It’s not necessary. If you’re going to have a host, get Michelle Buteau from The Circle to make snarky remarks about everyone every 3 seconds. Otherwise, don’t bother.

And after going around the room and saying what everybody learned from the experience like this is f*cking summer camp, Vanessa has everyone raise their hands if they believe (get your drink ready) that love is really blind. Of course, everybody raises their hand. And with that, I leave you… to go apply for Love is Blind season 2. See you in the pods!

Images: Netflix; Giphy; sarafcarter / Twitter

One Of The ‘Love Is Blind’ Couples That Split Is Now Back Together

I could talk about Love is Blind for hours. I could write multiple theses on the show and what its success reveals about our culture (I have a few drafted, in fact). I could spend hours stalking each contestant on Instagram and trying to figure out who’s still together based on their tagged photos. (Okay, so I have done that last thing.) We all have our favorites, even while we all can agree that Jessica was the worst and Mark deserved better. Personally, my pick for least favorite was a close call between Jessica and Giannina. Sure, Jessica led Mark on for the entire duration of the show and was clearly never really into him in the first place, she just wanted a ring, but at least she was entertaining. Giannina, on the other hand, was borderline scary. I’d watch her try to take any legitimate criticism from Damian (“you criticize me for being on my phone too much when you’re on your phone right now, as we speak”) and turn it around on him. She’d fly into a rage at the drop of a hat. And if anyone I was dating ever called me “motherf*cker”, and said on camera that I was not the best sex they’ve ever had, I would be out the door so fast, it would set Olympic records. But Damian seemed like he was caught under some sort of spell (Giannina’s hotness), and would continue to be her emotional punching bag for the rest of his life. Which is why (spoiler alert, seriously don’t read any further if you haven’t watched the finale yet) I was pleasantly surprised and impressed when Damian grew a f*cking spine and left Gigi hanging at the altar. “You’re doing amazing, sweetie,” I said to my TV. Well, it appears I may have spoken too soon and Damian is not, in fact, doing amazing sweetie, because Damian and Giannina may be back together.

A moment of silence for Damian’s spine. You may have only been on this Earth for a short amount of time, but your brief appearance gave us one of the best moments in reality TV this year:

 

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Sorry boss I’m not doing any work today, I’ll just be thinking about the finale of Love is Blind. By @betchesbrides

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Chris Coelen, the producer of Love is Blind, told Metro.co.uk that Damian and Giannina have gotten back together. He said, “There was only one couple that broke it off that has attempted to re-engage and that’s Gigi and Damien. And we’ll see what happens with them. We’ll see.”

Damian, I was rooting for you! I can’t say that we were all rooting for you, because I haven’t spoken to everyone, but this is seriously disheartening. Confirming the news that Damian and Giannina are back together is Giannina’s mom, Milady. On Instagram, a commenter asked her why she still follows Damian, and in a now-deleted comment, she basically said it’s because Damian and Giannina reconciled.

Per Buzzfeed, this comment translates to, “It’s not acting, not even a little bit. I follow Damian simply because they reconciled and are still together, they love each other and it was best for to happen because that way they could get to know each other better.”

Now, it’s funny because the original comment in question asked Milady if this was all acting, and she said it wasn’t. But a new discovery that I came across on Reddit would lead me to believe that, actually, it might all be acting. Thank god, because I was about to believe that Gigi and Damian got back together because they actually thought they could make it as a couple. Phew! Maybe they’re not completely naive, just fame-hungry and a little media savvy.

If you watched Love is Blind at all, then you may have felt like a lot of what we got from Giannina just seemed… kind of off. She delivers lines that just don’t sound like the way people would ever naturally speak in conversation, and just acts completely over-produced (moments like her re-proposing to Damian stick out). From giving Damian his bow back after getting left at the altar to telling him his reasons for walking away are “such a beautiful excuse, darling,” it just reads like she had all these lines to deliver planned out in her head. Plus, check out this reaction to Damian telling her he won’t marry her (please excuse the janky recording, I made this gif myself):

Damian and Giannina Wedding

That… does not look like shock to me. It looks like, I don’t know, an O-face? A yawn? Whatever it is, it’s not the expression you make when you get dumped at the altar. It’s just weird.

On top of that, someone on Reddit (in a sub that has now since been banned from Reddit) found Damian’s acting resume,  which hilariously lists his “lead Role” in an “Untitled Netflix show”, as well as what appear to be a few gigs as an extra (he was “Party Goer” in Dirty Grandpa and “soldier” in Thank You For Your Service). So, while our man might not be an aspiring influencer, he is an aspiring actor, which makes me wonder just how real this reconciliation is. I think Milady doth protest too much and this might, in fact, all be acting.

Maybe Damian and Giannina recognize that they can get way more publicity as a couple than they can as individuals, or maybe love really is blind (and stupid) and they are back together because they really just love one another. Who knows! Without a 10-minute monologue from Nick and Vanessa Lachey repeating everything I already know, I really can’t say for sure.

Images: Netflix (2); betches / Instagram