Which Kris Jenner Are You According To Your Zodiac Sign?

If you feel a sudden urge to exploit your family members on November 5, it was probably because that is Kris Jenner’s birthday. In honor of this blessed event, we’re helping you connect with your inner Kris Jenner by seeing which iconic Kris gif you are, based off your horoscope.

Aries – Kris Jenner The Momager

Aries is the leader of the zodiac, so it makes sense that Aries would be the version of Kris Jenner that tells her nude daughter everyone wtf to do at all times. You’re doing amazing, Aries.

Taurus – Kris Jenner The Wine-O

Taruses are stubborn and tend to stick to what they know. What does Kris Jenner know? Wine. All types. Ain’t no shame in that.

Gemini – Kris Jenner With A Gun

You never know what you’re going to get with a Gemini, which can be a little scary. You know what else is scary? Kris Jenner with a handgun. God save us all.

Sagittarius – Kris Jenner The Blonde

Sags love to try new things, and there’s no change that shocked the world more than blonde Kris Jenner holding a glass of wine. Congrats on being last month’s best meme, Sag.

Cancer – Kris Jenner The Actual Mom

Cancers are basically the nurturers of the zodiac, and though you may forget it sometimes, Kris Jenner is, in fact, a mom. Though I highly doubt she’ll be writing any parenting books any time soon.

Capricorn – Kris Jenner The Business Mogul

Capricorns get shit done, and “getting shit done” is what Kris Jenner built her entire career on. That and her daughter’s giant fake ass.

Leo – Kris Jenner The Narcissist

Leos love themselves. Kris Jenner loves herself. And, honestly, they’re both right.

Virgo – Kris Jenner The Party Girl

Virgos love to commune with their fellow man, and what better way to do that than to throw a big-ass party where everybody can look at you come together and enjoy each other’s company? You’re so selfless.

Kris Jenner

Libra – Kris Jenner The Investigator

Libras love justice, and nobody is better at getting to the bottom of things than Kris Jenner. Maybe it’s her women’s intuition, maybe it’s the team of cameramen recording everything that goes on in her home, but if Kris is on the case, justice will be served.

Scorpio – Pissed Off Kris Jenner

Kris Jenner is actually a Scorpio, meaning that Scorpio is actually her truest form. Scorpios, like Kris, are known for their volatile behavior and general ability to flip tf out over nothing, so honestly this is less of a “Which Kris Jenner gif are you?” and more of a “Which Kris Jenner gif aren’t you?” situation.

Aquarius – Kristen Mary Houghton, The Young Dreamer

Before she was Kris Jenner, she was Kris Kardashian. And before she was Kris Kardashian, she was Kristen Mary Houghton, a young dreamer with a desire to make herself rich af the world a better place, but no idea how she would go about doing it. TBH, it’s v inspiring.

Pisces – Kris Jenner Post-Op

Pisces are artists by nature, and Kris’ greatest work of art is definitely her own face. A constant work in progress, Kris Jenner the artist will labor over this work for decades, never satisfied with the final product, always looking to improve. It is the artist’s curse.

READ: 10 Things Kris Jenner *Probably* Wouldn’t Do For Ratings
Everything You Need To Know About The Obamacare Replacement, Explained In Gifs

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After seven years of near constant bitching from the right, the Obamacare replacement is finally here and it’s…extra. As in, “extra shitty to poor people.” The new proposal is called the American Health Care (creative) and is basically a Paul Ryan wet dream that is boring AF to read. Like, seriously, we do not need 100+ pages of legalese to let us know that you don’t want poor people to be able to go to the doctor. We know that shit already. It’s pretty fucking obvious. So if you, like basically anyone with a life, do not have time to parse through Paul Ryan’s tax cut erotica, then lucky you because Betches is here to explain to you all the ways in which the GOP are going to totally fuck up your healthcare. You’re welcome. And what better way to explain the extremely complex and nuanced American healthcare system than with constantly looping images from your favorite movies and reality TV shows. That’s right—GIFs!

Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying.

Nick Viall crying

According to Paul “I Will Never Live Down The Fitness Photoshoot I Did In 2012 No Matter How Much I Try To Distract You By Taking Healthcare Away” Ryan, The American Health Care Act will “drive down costs, encourage competition, and give every American access to quality, affordable health insurance.”

Okay. Well that sounds good. But is it like…true?

nicki minaj hell no

I mean, of course it’s not fucking true. According to the Congressional Budget Office, the Ryan plan would lead to “lost coverage for millions and higher costs for millions more.” Because having millions of uninsured Americans without access to adequate health services without Obamacare, is wayyyyy better than having millions of insured Americans going to the doctor regularly under Obamacare.

The bill also defunds Planned Parenthood, because of course it does. The proposal would make it illegal for federal funding, either directly or indirectly through Medicaid, to go to a healthcare organization that “provides for abortions” other than those done in the case of rape, incest, or to save the life of the mother. While the bill never actually says “Planned Parenthood” by name, the whole thing is basically one long subtweet against the organization. It’s like, guys Planned Parenthood totally knows you’re talking about them. No need to be fake about it. 

kim kardashian so shady

The bill also basically shuts down private health insurance from covering abortions, meaning that you better start asking all your one night stands to Venmo you half the price of an abobo before you even think about hooking up because your health insurance is not going to be able to help you if shit goes south.

rihanna BBHMM

The bill also repeals the individual and employer mandates stating that every American must have health insurance. This means that individuals can drop their coverage right now, which, according to Aetna’s chairman Mark Bertolini, would send the market into a “death spiral” in which healthy customers would drop their coverage, leaving sick people who need insurance to pay ever-increasing rates.

scott pilgrim prepare to die

The AHCA also repeals the essential benefits rule, which stated that health plans must provide hospitalization, mental health services, maternity coverage and other benefits. These benefits would now be decided on a state by state basis. Meaning that women who live in the liberal bubble (aka NYC) would probably get to keep their maternity leave coverage, while people who live somewhere random, like Delaware, might be SOL.

wayne's world i'm in delaware

And if you’re thinking, “Well none of this applies to me because i’m young AF and never gonna die,” think again because the bill also replaces income-based premiums with age-based subsidies, meaning that you will be paying more to go to the doctor the younger (and hotter) you are.

full house how rude

And just when you thought it couldn’t get worse, the bill also kills the Medicaid expansion, and all Obamacare related taxes.

TLDR: The rich are getting a $346 billion dollar tax cut over the next ten years, and the poor will literally all be dead by then, which is kind of what the GOP has always wanted anyway.

archer win win

Like I said at the beginning, if we weren’t laughing at funny GIFs, we’d be crying at the skyrocketing price of Mee-maw’s annual hip replacement.

More bad news: Trump Will Let Planned Parenthood Keep Its Funding Under One Shitty Condition