If you’ve ever been ghosted after hooking up with someone, then you know just how f*cked up it can feel. This happened to me for the first time (not a brag) not that long ago, and my ego was literally shattered, especially because I tripped over his foot and headbutted him when I went to kiss him goodbye. RIP. If you’re anything like me, you’re probably going to blame yourself and overthink about WTF could’ve happened—and that’s totally normal. Or you might blame the person who ghosted you for being a player. Chances are it’s not your fault, but FWIW, it’s not always because they’re a jerk either. That’s obviously a strong possibility, but there are actually a million other reasons why someone might disappear after you hook up with them that don’t automatically mean they’re a terrible person.
We’re definitely not defending their actions, because ghosting is a p*ssy move and you should be able to communicate your feelings with someone you had no problem banging. Like, it’s 2020. Grow up. But here are five scenarios why people might ghost after a hookup, aside from just being an asshole:
1. Commitment Issues
“People typically ghost because they aren’t able to offer the level of commitment they think they’re expected to give, whether that’s communication over text, another hookup, or a relationship,” explains Hannah Orenstein, senior dating editor at Elite Daily, author of Playing with Matches and Love at First Like, and former matchmaker. She believes this could stem from a bunch of reasons, like not being ready to date, anxiety about dating, or a lack of confidence in their communication skills. As scary as it can be, she encourages communicating honestly about how you’re feeling. “It’s normal to feel anxious about telling someone that you’d like to hear from them more often or that you weren’t sure where you stood after your last hookup. But avoiding these conversations can be nerve-wracking, too,” she adds.
Personally? I prefer to die in silence until they naturally come crawling back with a “hey stranger” text at 11pm six months later. “You deserve relationships that are based in thoughtful consideration and clear communication. Sometimes, the first step to getting there is to initiate the tough conversation.” Wait, on second thought, I like this approach better. No more wondering what if. In 2020, we’re accusing our ghosts even when we can’t see them. “HEY STRANGER…”
2. Deep-Rooted Anxiety, Shame, Or Guilt
Tim is an admitted serial ghoster who spoke to me about his past habits blames “typical boy sh*t” (like, actual issues from childhood) as the reason why he ghosted so many people. “When I lost my virginity, I felt like I wasn’t a ‘man’ because I didn’t bang the girl for over an hour like the dudes I watched on late night TV porn as a kid (which I assumed to be 100% real in my young naïveté), and that made me feel anxious.” From that point on until his late 20s, he’d immediately feel an overwhelming sense of guilt every single time he had sex. “I’d subconsciously go back to the moment after my first time. It would make me DESPISE the women I’d be with, and I’d be so uncomfortable that I wouldn’t want to speak to or hear from them again. None of that is an excuse, and I was an ignorant dickhead, but that’s why.” Cheers to brutal honesty. Kudos to you, Tim.
Best part of his story? “The first night after I had sex with a woman who was my friend for years, I got up and went outside because those anxious feelings toward myself still existed. She realized it and let it go. The next night, she told me she needed me to stay with her because she was scared of the storm. My need to be protective overtook any past BS and alleviated the stress. She spent months doing this until me staying around her after sex became normal and we were able to really unpack the reasoning behind how I was.” AND NOW THEY’RE MARRIED! Maybe pretending to be scared of the weather every single night for months is the key to a ghost’s heart. Imma try this out.
3. Maybe You Got Too Clingy
Ever think that maybe you started sending 10 texts too many or called too many times after you guys hooked up? Because that could totally scare some people off, especially if all they wanted was something casual. “This chick kept barraging me, asking me to FaceTime her when I was busy getting drunk,” Jimmy, 27 from NY, recalls. “Then she started sending me pictures of herself holding a baby that wasn’t even hers when I was hungover the next day.” YIKES. That’s actually terrifying. Nothing screams “please knock me up look at how wifey material I am!” like sending selfies holding random babies to the person you just had sex with yesterday. Hard pass.
4. You Were Rude Or Inconsiderate
Sorry to break this to you, but maybe you weren’t the most thoughtful host? Take it from Mitchell, who literally blocked someone on Bumble and immediately unfollowed him on all social media on the elevator down from a hookup. “I brought over a bottle of wine (sauv blanc that he likes and I didn’t). After we hooked up and got dressed, I was like ‘how about some more wine or something?’ and he said ‘I have some work to do so maybe another time’ and KEPT THE F*CKING WINE. I was in such a state of shock I had to ghost him. There was no other option.” TBH, totally understandable. That guy definitely deserved to be blocked and ghosted and maybe even reported on the dating app for inappropriate conduct. If you’re hooking up with someone, the least you can do is respect them, their time, and their effort… or offer them to take back the wine they bought you took three sips of?
5. The Sex Was Bad
“While it’s certainly possible to be ghosted by someone who didn’t enjoy the experience, I wouldn’t necessarily assume that’s always the reason,” says Orenstein. But… sometimes it is. “When I finally hooked up with my secret crush for months, his dick was SO small and he lasted about four pumps,” Kayla, 28, remembers. “After, he gave me his number about 7 times and told me to hit him up, but I really just pretended to put it in my phone while calling an Uber at 6am.” SAVAGE. On another note, Nick, 31, ghosted a chick he met off Tinder after they went on a proper date. “The next time we hung out, she invited me over to her parents’ house (I could hear her parents talking the whole time). She made me watch a sh*tty romance movie then gave me a handjob while staring in my eyes the whole time. I was so freaked out. I was like, 26 years old and the girl gave me a handy and never took her eyes off me. So awkward.” LOL. 1) do people really give handjobs anymore? and 2) she probably read too many sex tip articles that suggested making more eye contact. Poor sis. Fatal mistake in this case.
To Reach Out Or Not To Reach Out…
You’re over debating what happened and you want the truth. Do you send them a text seeking closure? Or let it go and wonder WTF happened for the rest of forever? “As personal as it can feel, getting ghosted rarely has anything to do with you and everything to do with them. While there’s nothing wrong with reaching out to seek closure or understand why someone ghosted, consider that this person may not be able to provide you with a satisfactory answer,” says Orenstein. That said, if you’re dead set on reaching out to them, she recommends sending a simple message that asks for clarity surrounding the situation. But before you decide to reach out, wait until it’s clear that you’ve actually been ghosted, “meaning they ignored a few texts in a row or they stood you up on a date.”
OK, But I Still Feel Like Sh*t. Now What?
“There’s no shame in feeling upset, angry, or rejected by this — getting ghosted, especially after being physically and/or emotionally intimate with someone, is a jarring, blindsiding experience,” says Orenstein. But in the end, do you really want to date or hook up with a person who can’t maturely and respectfully communicate with you? “If you’re the kind of person who finds ghosting to be frustrating or rude, this person likely wouldn’t be a compatible match for you, anyway,” reminds Orenstein.
No matter why they did what they did (aka disappeared), all you can do is take care of yourself. She suggests letting yourself feel your feelings, journaling, going to therapy, practicing self-care, engaging in fun distractions with friends/family/hobbies, or whatever else works for you. “And when you’re ready, putting yourself back out in the dating world can remind you that there are so many exciting possibilities out there in the world for you, including good people who won’t ghost you.” Cute, empowering, solid advice. Love it. Where TF are these “good people,” though? Asking for myself. SOS.
Images: HBRH / Shutterstock.com, GIPHY (5)
If you’ve ever played the dating field at all, you’ve probably been ghosted before. Or ghosted someone. Or both, because ghosting doesn’t discriminate based on gender. This article isn’t here to sh*t on ghosting or call you a horrible person because everyone (*cough cough* me) has done it at some point, and sometimes it’s justifiable to switch out of your classes and, um, order Seamless for a month to avoid all possible contact with a guy you no longer want to see. Right. Moving on.
Let’s be real though, ghosting is kind of a coward’s way out. It feels pretty awful to get excited about a guy and then suddenly realize that when he said “let’s definitely do this again sometime!” that was a total lie, because you’re never going to see him again, because suddenly he’s busy with “work” aka hitting random girls on Instagram and matching with your friends on dating apps, where he’s still active.
If you’re like me and have to find an explanation for LITERALLY everything, then you probably lie in bed at night and think wtf what wrong. Because I was curious, I asked a bunch of my guy friends about why they ghosted girls. So here are your answers, ladies! *Spoiler alert* it’s definitely not you.
“I Didn’t Even Know I Ghosted”
“I don’t want to close the door but I also don’t feel like texting her every day so…I kinda just stopped texting her. I mean I didn’t even realize I was “ghosting” her per se, but later I found out this girl was kinda pissed…So then I wished her happy birthday. Which made her more angry, weirdly…” –Just-Trying-To-Keep-Things-Casual Bro
“Over It”
“She didn’t smell good. And it was awkward to talk about. So I just kept inviting her over until finally I had to block her on my story and hide from her.” –TMI Bro
“We Weren’t Dating”
“If you actually have a conversation it admits that the hookup was significant enough to warrant a discussion, instead of a casual “thing” that can eventually end when you stop talking.” – Facts-Are-Facts Bro
“It Wasn’t Really Ghosting”
“It was only partial ghosting!!! I mean I’d still text her like Thursday through Sunday…yeah, so like a booty call.” –In-Denial-He’s-An-Ass Bro
“I’m An Athlete”
“You have too many options so why bother committing to one.” –God-Complex-Athlete Bro
“They Were All Annoying”
“I went on like a million coffee dates before my last ex-girlfriend and every girl would only talk about herself or how much she hated one of her best friends, and I just couldn’t deal with that level of craziness.” –Overly Charming Bro
“IDK What You’re Talking About”
“I would never do that.” –I’m-Dating-Your-Best-Friend Bro
“Like On Snapchat?”
“I just OBNR her on Snapchat. Why? Um, because I’m bored?” –Still-In-High-School bro
If you didn’t get the last one, you’re probably too old and yeah, the way the teens use social media these days makes no sense to me either. (ONBR means “open but not respond.) So long and short, guys are cowards and like to play the field too much. Shocker, boys are scared man-sluts. Great. It’s not a news flash that ~ millennials ~ hate confrontation, but it’s still kind of sad no one’s able to have serious conversations anymore.
We’ve all been there, the moment we fuck up a really good kind of decent thing with a guy by saying something truly offensive like “what are we” or “I really like you” after only, like, 3 months of spending 5 days a week together sharing your bed and your HBO passwords casually dating. And once those words leave your mouth the boy disappears from your life faster than money does from your bank account. It’s called ghosting and it’s absolutely the reason I suffer from rage blackouts. If you’ve never been ghosted before then first of all, you bitch, and second of all, teach me your ways. But if you’re anything like me, smart, really pretty, with the personality of a very drunk, very bitter divorcée just trying to navigate the world of online dating, then odds are you’ve been ghosted by a fuckboy at least once in the last six months your life. Most times you never see the guy again no matter how hard you stalk his Snap story. Tbh sometimes I think maybe he never even existed in the first place and I was just really fucked up that Tuesday night at happy hour. Whatever the case, you always wish for some sort of closure and also a way to sabotage any future happiness of his.
Well thank God for the internet and the amazing people at Buzzfeed who are always on it with the v important, hard-hitting news issues because now we have that story. And honestly I really needed a win today. Not only did I commute from Long Island this morning *shudders* but my apartment has decided to fall apart one wifi hotspot at a time. So, yeah, I really need to watch a fuckboy burn at the hands of vicious internet trolls this win rn.
Anyway, the story begins as all stories do with a girl, Sylvia, falling for a boy, which I shall refer to as Anonymous Fuck Face. Sylvia dates Fuck Face, Fuck Face plays Yahtzee with her emotions falls for her, earns her trust, moves in with her, and then flees the country because he’d rather not get “tangled up” in a breakup. In typical fuckboy fashion, he posts the story of how he bravely and heroically screwed over the woman he cared for on Buzzfeed because of fucking course he did. In his statement Fuck Face says:
“We clearly had different expectations from the relationship. I did not know what to do and, well, I ghosted her. Over the Christmas break, while she was visiting her family, I simply moved out and left the country. I took advantage of the fact that I accepted a job in another country and did not tell her about it. I simply wanted to avoid being untangled in a break-up drama.”
Okay…so…just to get this straight, you thought the mature way to treat a human being you shared your life with for three years—THREE YEARS—was to completely abandon her like she’s your leftover Pad Thai in the fridge? OVER CHRISTMAS. On Jesus’s fucking day? Really? Is nothing sacred to you fuckboys anymore?? I think my immediate reaction to this information is:
And also:
And people wonder why I’m always one hundred percent serious joking about setting this whole damn city on fire. Lol I’m so random.
Anyway, years go by, this guy continues to live his life like the human pond scum that he is, his ex is still “forgotten history” as he so fondly refers to her, and then one day the director of the school where he works quits. Because, yes, the man whose job it is to shape young minds is also the man that abandons women over Christmas. *internally screams* Whatever. The best part of the story is the person the school hires to fill the position and be his immediate supervisor: HIS EX-GIRLFRIEND SYLVIA.
I. Am. Shook. I don’t think I’ve felt this self righteous since jean skirts came back into style.
Being the troll that he is, Fuck Face has taken his problems back to the people of Buzzfeed, asking how he can avoid being set on fire after the summer break should handle this situation:
“I have no idea what to do and how to deal with this mess. It is clear this will be not only embarrassing but I will also be reporting to my ex. I am not in a position to find another job at present. There are no other international schools so finding another job in this country is not an option. Even finding a job elsewhere is not possible on such a short notice…
…Do you have any suggestions for me how to handle it and what should I do? I understand that this would not have happened if I did not ghost her back then, but I cannot do anything about it now. I gathered from the comments that readers usually have a go on people like me for “bad behavior” but I am really looking for constructive comments how to deal with the situation.”
Lol do I EVER have some constructive comments for this guy.
This is literally the dream scenario for any woman scorned and honestly, I hope she takes this shit to the next fucking level when she finally starts working there. Like, Syl, put him on blast. Start a rumor he’s a pedo, key his car, sic the PTA on his ass, the world is your revenge fantasy oyster.
Anyway, thanks for this, Buzzfeed. There’s nothing like starting your week with a good social crucifixion. If you need me I’ll just be trying to figure out if there are any immediate job openings at my ex’s place of work. You know, just in case. I’m feeling v inspired.
I’ve read just about every article there is on why ghosting is wrong and you shouldn’t do it. Okay, that was definitely a gross exaggeration because I have a job and a life and not enough time in the world to scour ever shitty Elite Daily rip-off, but you get what I mean. I know what ghosting is. I’ve been ghosted. I’ve ghosted people. And despite what every feel-good sugary girl power website would like you to think, I’m actually a proponent of ghosting. I think all girls should ghost. But only to men.
Just to get this shit out of the way, YES I have been ghosted. I said that in the first paragraph, can you read? Yes I was salty about it and I was annoyed the guy couldn’t just muster up the balls to tell me definitively that he wasn’t feeling it. And even having dealt with all the bullshit that comes along with being ghosted (i.e. triple texting in case “I just wasn’t being clear enough about my intentions” and then exposing myself as a bona fide crazy person and then wondering what I did wrong and taking it personally that I was ghosted), I still think that most of the time, it’s the appropriate course of action for women. And here’s why:
I’ve tried many times to do the “nice” or “decent” or “non-cowardly” thing and be upfront about my feelings and tell a guy I wasn’t feeling it. And I can count on one finger—because it has happened a grand total of once—the amount of times the guy said “Okay I understand, thanks for being honest with me.” ONCE. Just once. Every other time I’ve tried to be honest and not ghost, I’ve gotten a variation of the following responses:
1. Playing Dumb. This is when a guy pretends not to understand what I mean. “Hey it was great meeting you but I realized I’m not ready to get involved with anyone.” “Lol we don’t have to be involved, we can just do fun things and hook up.” Prompting me to explain that by “be involved with” I meant sex, dating, responding to your 2am “U up?” texts, all of it—hence why I used such a general and all-encompassing term in the first fucking place.
2. Trying To Get Me To Change My Mind. This is usually an outcome of the first thing, where they try to be like, “Are you sure you don’t just want to continue to hang out and keep it casual ?” Yes. Yes I’m fucking sure. That’s why I said it.
3. Gaslighting. AKA Turning it around on me and trying to make me out to be the crazy one. “Hey thanks for the offer for a third date, but I just didn’t really feel a connection.” “‘Connection’? Nah it’s not even like that. I’m not looking for a ‘connection’ lol. You got it all wrong I’m not even into you in that kind of way”—a guy actually had the audacity to say this to me after he texted me “Good morning beautiful” all the damn time and even brought me a gift to our second date. The gift, in case you’re wondering, was a bunch of lipsticks from the makeup company he worked for after I mentioned that I am super into lipstick and he asked me what my favorite colors are. So, yeah, okay, now that I type this all out I realize he sounds gay, but that’s not my point. Also, he tried to friend me on Facebook A FULL EIGHT MONTHS after our date—so yeah, sure, he definitely wasn’t into me at all and I totally imagined things. Right.
See, here’s the thing I’ve realized about men. Men will take any sort of response—even if it’s a firm, very hard “no” as an invitation to keep going, as an open-ended suggestion that will eventually turn into a “yes” if they just keep pushing. And that’s why silence is the best answer. Men understand silence better than any verbal communication (and people wonder why I’m so passive-aggressive). So if you’re not into a guy and don’t want to have a petty fight with a stranger via text message over whether or not you, in fact, mean what you say, just ghost. As my dad says when he’s quoting some old movie I’ve never seen, guys think they want the truth, but in reality, they can’t handle the truth.
The one caveat to this would be if the guy flat-out asks you for a second (or third, or whatever), date. Then you should just politely say “no thanks” and leave it at that. But otherwise, if you’ve been on one date or whatever and he’s trying to hit you up with some bullshit-ass text like “Hello” (also a real thing that’s happened to me, why is this my life), don’t respond to that shit. It’s not worth the fight. Not to mention, wouldn’t it be pretty weird to be like “Hello” “Hey it was great meeting you and all but I’m not feeling it, best of luck to you”? Yeah. It would be fucking weird. So again, unless you are directly asked, just say nothing. He’ll get the hint.
Now, I know some fuckboys are reading this article like, “Great, then break out the sheets and call me Casper cause I’m about to be ghosting bitches left and right.” No. Men, you should not ghost women. And that’s because we say all the time that we want guys to be honest, and—I know this is a crazy concept—WE FUCKING MEAN IT. Yeah, I know, women aren’t constantly lying through their teeth to get in your pants. I’ll give you a second to wrap your head around the concept of sincerity. Yeah. It’s real.
So when women say “Hey if you’re not into me just lmk,” we actually mean it. So stop ghosting us. Because I’m sure you’re not replaying the last date in your head, thinking up a million imaginary scenarios for why you might not be answering your phone (because you dropped it in a toilet or it got eaten by a shark or oh god, are you okay? We should probably check your Facebook to make sure you’re okay), I know none of you are doing that shit. And contrary to popular belief, our delicate female sensibilities are MORE than capable of handling a little rejection. That’s right! We won’t dissolve into a puddle of tears. We’ll be fine. So just say something so I can use my superior Facebook stalking tactics for important things, like finding out who got pregnant out of wedlock from my high school.
So yeah. Call me sexist, I don’t care—I never read the comments anyway so joke’s on you. Women, ghost men all you want unless you are specifically cornered asked about WTF is going on. Men, open your damn mouths and use it to communicate. Or if you won’t do that, here’s an alternative solution: acknowledge that women say what we mean and learn to believe us when we speak without assuming you know better than us about our own thoughts and feelings. Your call!
