Gender reveals: a party to reveal your kids’ junk while they’re still unborn. Gender reveals are a relatively new phenomenon that has already caused significant damage to both the environment and the general sanity of people like me, who keep getting invited to them and then having nightmares about being enveloped in a cloud of blue smoke while people chant “BOY! BOY! BOY!” into my face. Not only do gender reveals typically involve bad cake and a criminal amount of colored glitter, but they’ve also become an obsession with couples who don’t think having a dry baby shower and forcing us all to buy washcloths with ducks on them and then pretend we’re excited to paint a f*cking onesie is enough to properly celebrate their successful bout of unprotected sex.
The most recent cause of the aforementioned environmental damage was inadvertently caused by a couple in California, who set off a pyrotechnic device in San Bernardino county that ignited nearby brush and started one of the many wildfires burning in my home state. That wildfire has already burned more than 14,000 acres and evacuated hundreds of people from their homes, adding insult to injury, since the reason it started was completely unnecessary. Even the woman who is largely credited with inventing the gender reveal party, blogger Jenna Karvunidis, has spoken out about the ways in which what started as a cute, fun event for family has morphed into chaotic, sometimes hazardous situations, saying “Stop having these stupid parties. For the love of God, stop burning things down to tell everyone about your kid’s penis. No one cares but you.” I couldn’t say it better. But I’m happy to add my own twist to the breakdown of why gender reveals, as they stand as now, need to end.
1. It’s Not Even A Gender Reveal, It’s A Sex Reveal
You’re not even calling it what it really is! You are announcing what genitals your baby has based on your doctor’s best guess with an ultrasound probe. Gender, on the other hand, is literally the cultural and social expression of a person’s sex, which can be revealed in a wide variety of ways and to different degrees. Girls liking pink and boys liking blue is an example of a stereotypical gender assumption that we’ve largely grown past (well, some of us). There is no way to assume or predict the way your child’s gender identity will assert itself until they’ve been, ya know, BORN, and had time to figure that out on their own. But it freaks people out to call it a sex reveal because it sounds creepy and weird, which should tell you something. And that thing is: Announcing your baby’s genitals with a powder cannon you shoot into the air is weird and creepy.
2. Celebrating (Or Being Disappointed By) Your Baby’s Sex Is A Privilege
If I had a nickel for every man in a viral gender reveal clip who throws his hat on the ground as pink confetti falls down around him, I’d be able to buy that inflatable hot tub I’ve had my eye on since the beginning of quarantine. The fact that you’re pregnant at all is an accomplishment and a big one. As a gay woman, I can attest to that. Some of us have to actually pay money and visit a lot of doctors and use a stranger’s genetic material to achieve what a healthy, straight couple can do for free any night of the week in between Selling Sunset episodes. I’m not bitter, or anything, but yeah it stings a little. And it’s not just an ordeal for members of the LGBTQIA+ community. There are plenty of heterosexual couples who struggle with infertility, or who have to search for alternative methods to create a family for any number of reasons. The point is that yes, healthy pregnancy and a foreseeably healthy baby is absolutely worth celebrating. For some people, a healthy baby is a miracle, period. The sex, and later on, the gender of that child is secondary to that baby’s general health and wellbeing. Being able to be disappointed or excited about your baby’s sex is a privilege that we don’t all share, and that should be recognized.
3. We All Know You’re Just Doing It For Attention
Yeah, I said it. I know this might surprise some folks, but you can find out your unborn baby’s sex, be excited either way and share that news with your family without setting anything on fire or buying a cake with fugly pastel pink fondant. But people can’t resist the urge to share a personal event on Instagram and watch the hate-likes roll in. And that’s fine; in fact, it’s more than fine. I am completely on board with your need for attention, as attention is something I don’t hate either. But disguising it with a genitalia announcement makes it weird. Would you buy a sign that said “VAGINA!”? No? I didn’t think so. Then maybe think again about doing essentially that for online attention. And if you would buy that sign, then go for it. At least you’re acknowledging that it’s a sex reveal and not trying to act like it’s something else.
Images: t.max / shutterstock.com
The headline says it all, guys. What have we told you about how stupid gender reveals are? Like, only in America and with the rise of social media would we have a legitimate issue with people trying to one-up each other on how to announce their yet-to-be-born kid’s genitals in front of friends, family, and internet strangers—and causing harmful accidents in the process. Before you hate on me, I had a gender reveal, too. It was in the doctor’s office with my husband. The nurse pointed at my kid’s junk on the ultrasound screen and said “look, a penis! it’s a boy.” MAZEL. Then I texted my parents. That’s how it should be done.
If you ask me, a gender reveal party is yet another excuse for parents-to-be to try and squeeze more baby gifts out of friends and family. I respect the hustle, but also, chill tf out. You need one baby shower to ensure you have some diapers and maybe a car seat. You do not need a f*cking separate party with either pink or blue decor. Give me a break. And, as we continue to see in the news, not only are gender reveal parties unnecessary, they can also prove to be dangerous. Such is the case with this Texas couple, who tried to do way too much and ended up getting someone hurt in the process. Let that be a lesson to all of you to knock it off with these stunts.
What Happened?
This incident took place back on September 7, 2019 in some godforsaken place called Turkey, Texas. Basically, someone (my money’s on the dad because this feels like something a dad would do) rented a crop-duster plane and pilot (don’t ask me about the logistics of renting a pilot) to drop pink water for a gender reveal. The water would turn to vapor, making for a TRULY SPECTACULAR and heartwarming sight when pink mist would envelop the guests. I guess that would have been cool… if it worked.
Instead, the crop-duster actually stalled out—possibly due to the shock to the plane’s system after dumping 350 gallons of pink water—and subsequently crashed. The pilot was not injured and will go on to be available for future parties and gender reveals, but one passenger had minor injuries. And that’s not counting the pride of the parents-to-be, who now can’t even post their gender reveal party on Instagram because their stunt went so horribly wrong. Like, would confetti not have sufficed?
WTF?
Honestly, these idiots are so lucky no one was killed or seriously injured. Gender reveals, as I said above, are getting stupider and stupider. Lest we forget the woman who was killed in October when someone thought it would be a good idea to reveal gender with a MOTHERF*CKING PIPE BOMB which, naturally, exploded and led to this woman’s death when she was struck with a piece of shrapnel. Then we have the guy who started a 47,000 acre fire in Arizona (the Sawmill Fire, to be exact) when he shot a target filled with explosive blue powder to let everyone know he was expecting a son. People are using alligators, planes, explosives, and dumbass balloons all in the name of celebrating a social construct we as a society place way too much emphasis on anyway.
If you insist on having a gender reveal, please, for all of our sakes, avoid heavy machinery, wild animals, or anything that could explode. It hurts that I had to type that sentence, but, hey, it’s just another day in Trump’s America.
Images: Jacob Lund / Shutterstock.com; Giphy (2)
Let’s all agree to agree that gender reveal parties suck. Baby showers are also boring AF. Who wants to play games like pin-the-diaper-on-the-baby and watch moms-to-be open endless gifts of nipple cream and breast pumps? No one who has anything better to do with their time, that’s who! Well, there’s supposedly a new type of party in town that sounds much better. Goodbye, baby showers and gender reveals. Hellooo, pre-parenthood parties?
WTF Is A Pre-Parenthood Party?
According to Andrea Fowler, entertainment editor of TheBash.com, pre-parenthood or before-the-birth parties are “a celebration that’s totally focused on the parent- or parents-to-be to acknowledge this massive shift in their own life. The baby is going to get plenty of attention in due time anyway, right?” RIGHT. The parents are the ones doing all the hard work who deserve all the love and attention (and partying) before their lives are ruined changed forever.
Sara Raffa and Linden Ellis, co-founders of party supplies and planning company Coterie, compare pre-parenthood parties to a more enjoyable version of the traditional baby shower, but one that people actually want to RSVP yes to. “Baby-moons have been a thing for a while, but we feel like there’s a growing trend toward less of a shower and more of an ‘omg-I’m-having-a-baby-let’s-celebrate-my-last-days-of-freedom’ with your friends.”
Pre-parenthood parties are more commonly called “hatchelorettes“ and “Dadchelor parties.” These last hurrahs are mainly intended to give more credit to the parents (*cough* mainly the mom). “Nine months of pregnancy is no easy feat, and the baby isn’t exactly enjoying the party from inside the womb,” the co-founders said. Now that’s something I can get behind. I’d much rather celebrate my friend surviving pregnancy and the miracle of childbirth than a baby that’s about to take away precious time from me hanging out with her and getting a text back within a reasonable amount of time in the future. Oops—are my attachment issues and dislike of children showing?
Fowler also claims that these parties are gaining popularity because imposing gender-related stereotypes onto babies isn’t something a lot of parents want to do anymore, for obvious reasons. “Just because the sonogram paints a certain picture doesn’t mean it’s an accurate depiction of the baby’s identity.” And, in fact, “Jenna Karvunidis, the blogger who is credited with the first viral gender reveal in 2008, says she has mixed feelings about it today.”
Sidenote: In case you didn’t see Karvunidis’s new viral Facebook post announcing those mixed feelings, she mentions that Bee, “the world’s first gender-reveal party baby is a girl who wears suits.” CAN YOU SAY PLOT TWIST?
A weird thing came up on Twitter, so I figured I'd share here. Someone remembered it was me who "invented" the gender…
Posted by High Gloss And Sauce on Thursday, July 25, 2019
Are People Really Doing This?
So pre-parenthood parties sound great and all, but is this actually the newest (pre-)parenthood trend? Or is this just a new name for something that single friends of parents-to-be might get tricked into attending?
According to Daniel Levine, trends expert and keynote speaker, pre-parenthood parties are far from being mainstream, but the desire to celebrate the last days of freedom has been gaining traction on the internet. “The media creates a feedback loop whereby people actually have the celebrations they’re reading about. I’ve seen this same cycle happen with gender reveals, babymoons, and divorce parties, among other trendy events.” In other words, it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Raffa and Ellis have experience hosting these parties, love the idea, and confirm Levine’s point. “We obviously aren’t historians but we’re definitely seeing a trend toward more people looking for more excuses to get together with friends and celebrate. This is especially true during this ‘pre-parenthood’ stage of life,” they said. “Life is about to go from late nights out with friends to late nights in changing diapers and losing sleep, so you want to get in all the fun that you can.” Fair enough. As someone who values her sleep and independence, I can respect that.
“From a trends perspective, pre-parenthood parties are not yet a thing—at least a popular thing,” says Levine. “But who knows? Maybe if enough breathless articles are written about them, they will start happening en masse.”
Well, count this as one of the soon-to-be countless breathless articles about pre-parenthood parties. It doesn’t seem like a real trend yet, but we’re definitely on board with celebrating the parents-to-be and not the babies-to-be, as long as the party has good food, a lot of alcohol, and is more fun than gender reveals and baby showers. We could totally get used to seeing moms thriving and dudes dressed in big baby costumes on our Instagram feeds. As Fowler says, “Ultimately, when you’re celebrating a big life milestone, it’s important to do it your way. Don’t be afraid to deviate a little from tradition and make your party something really special and unique to you.”
Images: Unsplash / Natalie Chaney, Facebook (HighGlossSauce), @katiejoythiele / Instagram
Lisa Schwartz is a Los Angeles native, actress, and YouTube sensation whose channel Lisbug has over 2.2 million subscribers. Her book, THIRTY-LIFE CRISIS: Navigating My Thirties, One Drunk Baby Shower at a Time, out now, is a collection of comedic personal essays in which she shares stories and musings about being an ambitious, modern day woman in her thirties.
Dear Stranger On The Internet,
Before you decide to have a gender reveal party, I ask you to reconsider. Don’t get me wrong—I want the best for you. You have absolutely every right to do whatever your sweet pregnant heart desires; after all, you are brewing a baby and that’s no easy feat.
I have watched my friends struggle to get pregnant and then finally push through the pukes, the poops, and the swollen feet. You should be celebrated, you should be cherished, and you should have pink or blue sh*t shoot out of some extravagant device purchased solely to ensure that your baby’s genital unveiling goes viral. However, I ask that you take a beat to consider the people around you who have dedicated many weekends to you.
The ones who have dug into their bank accounts to get you that bread maker for your wedding that you have yet to unwrap. The friends who held your hair back at your bachelorette weekend because drinking out of penis straws for only one night didn’t seem like enough. Think of those, near and dear, who carried on mind-numbing conversations with your weird aunt at your engagement party, and then again at your bridal shower. The lifetime bestie who kept note of who got you which boob-milking accoutrement at your baby shower, and then played that horrific diaper sniffing game at the second shower your mother-in-law insisted on throwing to impress her friends. Consider your peers who are having trouble reconciling that everyone in their social circle is getting married and having kids. Keep in mind the ones who feel a million steps behind, emotionally challenged by change, and/or struggling to keep their heads above water. Think of those who have been told time and time again—not only by medical professionals, but from family members alike—that they ought to freeze their eggs regardless of the fact that they can’t even complete a dating app profile.
And please remind yourself what it felt like when you were single, tasked with attending an event that made looking into a mirror more than just a “is there sh*t in my teeth?” check, but rather a deep dive into a “what the f*ck am I doing with my life?” spiral. I urge you—take a beat, and rethink having this party.
I am not saying it’s your responsibility to take care of everyone. You certainly have enough on your plate tending to your wellbeing as well as your little bundle of joy. But ignorance is not bliss; it’s actually pure hell for a single 30-something-year-old who just discovered another wrinkle along with a thick black chin hair that miraculously popped up overnight. Won’t you consider throwing us a bone and keep the private-part discovery between you and your loved one?
If you’re annoyed by this plea, and proceeding with your celebration anyway, may I at least suggest three things that are bound to lessen the discomfort of those going through a thirty-life-crisis:
1. Have A Bar
Even if it’s just some kitschy Pinterest-inspired mimosa table that your former sorority sister spent all night making little tags for (oh thank you, Stacey. I almost mistook the orange juice for cranberry juice). A cheap Champagne buzz is better than a sober conversation with people you haven’t seen since high school who are insistent that there is a guy at their CrossFit that would be “perfect for you.” Kill me. Or similarly, make me go to CrossFit.
2. Don’t Have A Dress Code
Not like you’re going to throw a black-tie event (although I wouldn’t put it past some cummerbund-loving Richie Rich to enforce such a thing). But please, don’t make everyone wear blue or pink according to what gender they think this little thing is going to be. It’s hard enough to find something I feel comfortable wearing without having a complete meltdown that ends with me naked on the closet floor, alongside every item of clothing I own. F*ck you, I’m wearing black.
And lastly….
3. Let Your Friends Off The Hook
In recent years, I have come to realize the power of saying “no.” If I don’t want to do something, I don’t have to. The power of “no” is a strong and empowering thing. The power of obligation and guilt due to years of friendship, however, is stronger. Do your longtime pals a favor and give them an out. If this party is seemingly more appropriate for your family and new “mommy group,” give your old friends the “no pressure” text. Those two words go a long f*cking way. Chances are they’re going to attend, but at least they are coming because they chose to, and not because they had to.
Or screw my unsolicited advice and do it the way you want. You are an incredibly strong woman who is doing an extraordinary thing here. Have the f*cking gender reveal party of your dreams. Just keep in mind that there may be people in your orbit who are in a less-than-celebratory headspace. Don’t be surprised if there are some eye rolls or no-shows; that’s how this pink and blue cookie crumbles. As long as you stay true to you and your heart, the rest will work itself out. I can’t guarantee your epic reveal is going to be on Ellen, but if you upload it to Facebook, I’m sure my grandma will repost it. She loves that sh*t.
Whatever you end up doing, here’s to you and a happy, healthy pregnancy. Regardless of what gender your baby is.
Sincerely,
A Retired Gender Reveal Partygoer
Lisa Schwartz is a Los Angeles native, actress, and YouTube sensation whose channel Lisbug has over 2.2 million subscribers. Her book, THIRTY-LIFE CRISIS: Navigating My Thirties, One Drunk Baby Shower at a Time, out now, is a collection of comedic personal essays in which she shares stories and musings about being an ambitious, modern day woman in her thirties.
Images: betches/Instagram; Sirio/Unsplash
If you’re having a kid, mazel. If you’re having a kid and insist on throwing a giant gender reveal party, please exclude me from that narrative. Remember how there used to be a time where we didn’t have a party and Instagram photo op for everything? Simpler times. But thanks to social media, we just can’t have nice things anymore. Let’s just call a gender reveal party what it is: yet another opportunity for an expecting couple to squeeze more money, gifts, and Instagram likes out of their family and friends. Truth be told, the only time I will support a gender reveal is if it goes horribly wrong or is so tacky that I get the chance to roast it in my group chat or any one of the Facebook groups I belong to that’s dedicated to that specific purpose. I’m real fun at parties, promise. I’ve taken it upon myself to research the biggest gender reveal fails in the history of gender reveals (or, more accurately I guess, the history of the internet), and I’ve compiled them here for all the people who, like me, revel in the misery of others. I told you, I’m great at parties!
I want to thank God, I want to thank the internet, and I want to thank you, overzealous parents-to-be, for providing these absolutely golden gender reveal fails that are prime examples of what not to do when you’re expecting.
Here are my top (in no particular order) favorite gender reveal fails.
1. The One That Almost Burned Down A Whole State
This is, by far, our clear-cut winner of the worst gender reveal fails to ever happen. Expectant dad and Arizona resident Dennis Dickey fired a rifle at a box full of Tannerite, an extremely flammable explosive powder, mixed with a colored powder that would reveal the gender of the marksman’s spawn. Because of the amount of powder and the 40 mph winds, the Tannerite ignited a fire that burned 47,000 acres. The Sawmill Fire, as it came to be known, is expected to cost more than $8 million in damage. Dickey paid $100,000 upfront and will pay $120,000 in monthly installments of $500 for the next 20 years—costing more than his kid’s college tuition and general upbringing. Btw, it’s a boy.
2. The One With An Alligator
What do you do when the lady is preggers and you’re both trained alligator handlers living in Louisiana? Naturally, you grab a goddamn ALLIGATOR, fill a hollow watermelon with either pink or blue Jell-O, and invite the alligator to smash said watermelon, adorably revealing the gender of the future animal wrangler. First of all, why involve the alligator in this at all?? I’m sure he had better things to do that day. Second of all, if you actually watch the video, the whole reveal is actually pretty uneventful. Thankfully (and somewhat surprisingly), no one was maimed, but it was still one of the most redneck things to happen in history.
3. The One With The Wrong Balloons
This cute couple decided to keep things simple for their gender reveal, and asked a balloon company to fill a box full of helium balloons according to the gender (which the company knew and the couple did not). Somehow, these v simple directions were lost in translation, and the box was filled with rainbow balloons in every f*cking color. The balloon company even lost the card with the baby’s gender on it, so the couple couldn’t just tell the guests themselves! I love the absolute look of defeat on mom’s face.
4. The One That Sent Guests Screaming
A couple in Philly decided that shooting off fireworks for their gender reveal would make for an explosive time (kill me). Unfortunately, they shot the pink (yay, a girl) fireworks right into the crowd of onlookers, leading to a lot more running and screaming than most people expect at this kind of event. A few adult suffered some minor burns from this hilariously bad idea. This is why you need to have to pass some kind of test to be able to procreate.
5. The One That Didn’t Quite Nail The Delivery
Don’t leave your gender reveal in the hands of the greasy 17-year-olds hawking cheap pizza. This idiot couple learned that the hard way when they decided to spell out IT’S A over three pizzas, but it turns out that pepperoni and sausage do not great lettering make. It’s kind of close—if you tilt your head sideways and squint a little bit, you can kind of tell what they were going for. Guess this couple should have called the pizzeria from The Princess Diaries and used M&Ms instead of cured meats.
6. The One That Ended In A Nasty Injury
Yep. These Rhodes Scholars decided to shoot their gender reveal out of a cannon filled with colored powder. First, the cannon was homemade, which should tip you off to there being a problem (and that this couple probs shouldn’t have bred to begin with). Second, said homemade cannon jammed, and someone needed to hit it with a hammer to get it going. Thankfully, it wasn’t the mother-to-be, but it did result in a pretty cool injury.
Images:Victor Dueñas Teixeira / Unsplash; Joe Krummel, Alecs Strayer, New York Post, Arizona Daily Star / Youtube; teachingadventuresin3d / Instagram; Melody Kliebert / Facebook
Jordana and Sami wax condescending on a huge variety of topics this ep. starting with their equal love of obscure movie quotes. After they judge everyone on Vanderpump Rules, namely Jax (who definitely deserves it). After talking about a dude who can’t seem to stop yelling at his girlfriend, they discuss the Women’s March and stress emphatically that their meme signs were meant as no disrespect to those with serious signs. They wrap things up talking about babies and how many on Insta have turned the gestation process into way too many posts. Wow, seriously, you’re exploiting someone who’s not even there. Don’t miss “Dear Betches” this week; this listener wants to keep hooking up with a guy, but her friend is threatening to end their friendship over it.
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