We’re in full-on holiday mode, which means that instead of spending my hard-earned money on
getting shitfaced at happy hour things I actually like to do, I’m spending it on the people I love. Those fucking bitches. And it’s hard to always choose the right gift for people. I mean, sometimes it’s not as easy as buying deodorant for Smelly Melly Melissa in accounting, ya know? Sometimes you have to put a little bit more thought into it. Like, what do I get the friend in my life who’s been with me through all of my blackouts thick and thin? The friend who texts me “drinks later? ;)” at 10am on a Tuesday and who I can always count on to start shit with that bitch who just gave me side-eye? I would try and get her some good sense but, like, where’s the fun in that? Nah. I’ll stick with something she actually needs, like nail polish that doesn’t chip, no matter how shitty she gets at bars. So here are five nail polishes that make the perfect gift for every ratchet bitch you know (including yourself).
1. Vinylux Weekly Polish
While this brand might seem more random than the girl you exchanged numbers with in line for the bathroom last weekend, it’s actually pretty top-notch as far as polishes go. When applied with the weekly top coat, nails can last for a solid 10 days or until it’s socially acceptable to start peeling off your nails out of boredom.
2. OPI Infinite Shine
Remember when everyone lost their shit because Essie was coming out with a gel manicure that you could do at home while binge watching shitty reality TV and drinking your weight in Chardonnay? Well, OPI Infinite Shine is even better. It looks, feels, and acts like a gel mani, but you don’t have to go through that annoying AF process of taking it off, because it can easily be removed with regular old nail polish remover. BLESS UP, people.
3. Essie Gel Couture Nail Polish
Speaking of Essie, if you don’t mind
torturing yourself the upkeep of a gel manicure, then by all means, invest in Essie’s Gel Couture Nail Polish. It’s been one of the leading brands in nail polish and for good fucking reason. They have lots of color options, plus their whole thing is you can stay at home and do your own manicure instead of having to put on pants deal with trying to impress people at the nail salon.
4. CoverGirl Outlast Stay Brilliant Nail Gloss
If you want to say fuck all the bullshit and buy a product that does the work of three in one, then you should def invest in the latest nail polish from CoverGirl. Not only does this brand have a shitton of color options, but they also combine base coat, nail color, and topcoat into ONE PRODUCT. It’s like there is a God and She’s been watching me waste my paycheck at happy hour and knows how much I love
an easy way out saving my dollars where I can.
5. Deborah Lippmann Nail Color
Get this for the friend who is constantly lecturing you on her journey to veganism and her new “healthy” lifestyle but then gorges on Big Macs when she’s blackout. Deborah Lippmann is formaldehyde-, toluene-, and dibutyl-free so it’s, like, good for you and shit. Plus it’s supposed to be chip-free and last a little over a week.