In the LGBTQ community, there are always lots of important issues to be addressed. Equality and sexual health rightfully get a lot of the attention, but there’s something slightly less serious we need to talk about: should straight women be going to gay bars? Look, I get it–gay bars are fun. It can be tough to find spots with great music, a fun atmosphere for dancing, and a lack of dumb bros. I appreciate all of these factors, but there are some things straight women need to keep in mind when they’re planning a night out at a gay bar. Everyone deserves to get drunk and have a good time, but there are some ground rules you need to know.
If you learn nothing else from reading this, please just memorize this sentence. Do not go to a gay bar for your bachelorette party. Got it? Great! As much fun as it sounds to go dance to Britney Spears remixes with seven of your best girl friends, it’s obnoxious AF. If you’re in a group of straight women with zero gays, you should probably hang out somewhere else for the night. Not to get preachy, but gay bars exist because, historically, queer people couldn’t go to straight bars and be themselves. Luckily, we’ve come a long way since then, but gay bars are still safe havens for the queer community, so you shouldn’t be taking up half the dance floor.
Every straight girl walking into a gay bar:
That being said, I think women should be welcome at gay bars, and it’s ridiculous when bars try to institute men-only policies. Gender is dumb anyway, so get over it. If you’re a straight woman who is hanging out at a gay bar, though, remember that it’s not really your space. Drink, dance, have a good time–but don’t try to make yourself the center of attention. There’s no one here you’re trying to impress, so you don’t need to be twerking in the middle of the floor.
One of the best things you can do as a straight person at a gay bar is just give everyone their space. Realistically, you’re not going to find someone to hook up with, but that’s probably what a lot of people are looking for. If two guys are dancing with each other, it is not the time for you to jump in the middle. Just like if it was your girl friend and a dude at a straight bar, don’t be a cock-blocker. It’s just like, the rules of feminism (and gay rights). While you shouldn’t get in the way of your friend’s potential hookup, you also don’t need to try to find him someone all night. Gay bars are, like, the easiest place in the world to find a dance floor make out, so just chill out. I’m glad you think that guy over there is checking me out, but I can figure it out for myself.
Me when I see the guy my friend wants me to get with:
This might sound like a rant, but honestly, I love it when my straight friends come out with me to the gay bars. The LGBTQ community should be a place of openness and respect, and as long as you’re feeding into that respectful vibe, you should be welcome. It just falls into a grey area when “respect” turns into “let me grind on all these gay dudes because there won’t be any consequences.” Use your best judgment, and if you’re second-guessing whether something is okay, it probably isn’t.
That’s all, now someone please get me a vodka soda, extra lime.
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Images: Shutterstock; Giphy (2)
Look, it’s 2019. I know that 95% of you reading this have at least one dating or hookup app on your phone, and if you don’t, it’s probably because you’re already in a relationship. Most of us aren’t rookies in the dating app game, but it can still be a pain to navigate. Regular dating apps have plenty of struggles already, but the gay culture of hookup apps (Grindr, Scruff, etc.) takes things to another level. No matter what you’re looking for on these apps, it’s important to use your best detective skills to weed out the murderers and stalkers. Isn’t this fun?! Here are the biggest dating app red flags to look out, especially on the gay-focused apps.
Of course, everyone should come out when they’re ready, and it’s fine that not everyone wants their identity widely known. That being said, if you’re searching for a boyfriend you can post on your Instagram stories 17 times a day, first of all, reevaluate your social media usage, but you probably also shouldn’t be talking to guys who won’t even send you a face picture. Everyone is on their own journey, and this is not the guy who will go to Disney World and wear rainbow Mickey ears with you, sorry.
When it comes to discreet guys, there are levels on all of these apps. If someone is a little shy, or has a sensitive job, it’s understandable that they might not want a face picture on their public profile. Whatever makes you comfortable. But if you message me and we’re 30 minutes into a conversation, I’m going to need to see your face. Especially if the other person messages first, there’s nothing wrong with requesting a few clear face pictures. Whether you’re looking for dates or sex, pictures are an absolute must.
Like it or not, there are a lot of drugs in the gay community. I’m not here to be a narc or anything, but you should always know what you’re getting yourself into. If a guy has random references to partying in his profile, capitalizes the letter “T” randomly, or uses the term “chemsex,” it’s very likely that he does meth, or other hard drugs that would deeply disappoint your fifth grade DARE counselor. No matter how cute he is, if that’s not your scene, you should probably cut your losses.
One of the biggest issues facing the gay community in 2019: who can host?? I’m sort of joking, but it can be tricky arranging a hookup. People can’t host for all sorts of reasons, but if a guy seems shady about his living situation, you might need to consider the possibility that he could be married. Like, to a woman, or at least to a partner who doesn’t know that he’s looking for dick on Grindr. Open relationships are cool (more on that in a minute), but I’m usually not in the mood to be a home wrecker.
Like I said, open relationships are great, and they’re more common than ever, especially in the queer community. I’ve had great experiences (both sexual and social) with couples, and getting in the middle can be a really fun chance to try some new things. But if that’s not what you’re looking for, try to recognize that before you get involved. Whether it’s just casual fun or there’s potential for something more to develop, everyone should be on the same page.
If I’m just meeting a guy for coffee, I don’t need to know his entire sexual history. But if I’m coming to your apartment for a dick appointment, you should be at least somewhat open about your sexual habits. If a guy isn’t willing to tell you when he last got tested, or if he usually uses protection, be wary. Sometimes people are just weird when talking about sex, but do what you need to feel safe and comfortable.
For reasons I will never understand, Grindr is littered with fake profiles. Some of them are just annoying spam, but there are also bots out there that will try to steal your identity or hack your phone. If someone who looks like an underwear model suddenly starts bombarding you with messages saying how beautiful you are, it might be too good to be true. If you suspect that a profile might be fake, try asking specific questions that won’t work with generic, auto-generated responses. Or just block and move on.
Images: Shutterstock; Giphy (3)
When it comes to being gay, we’re living in a pretty confusing time. We constantly hear about how far we’ve come, and how people are more accepting than ever, but we’re stuck with a government that’s unwilling to stand up for our rights, and depending where we live, many of us still experience homophobia on a regular basis. As straight people flood your timeline with engagements and baby announcements, it can feel like your space to express yourself is as small as ever.
So it might not always be easy, but I’ve got a challenge for you in 2019: make this your gayest year yet. Whether this means coming out for the first time, or buying yet another piece of RuPaul’s Drag Race merchandise, it’s time to work on living your queer identity to the fullest, in every part of your life. Think of these as your gay resolutions for the new year, except I’m not going to tell you to go to the gym.
I’m not saying you should show up to your Grandma’s Easter brunch in a leather harness, but there are lots of steps you can take to be your authentic self with your family this year. Of course, the biggest challenge in this process is coming out. Many of us are fortunate enough to have positive coming out experiences, but no matter the circumstances, coming out is still a stressful personal journey. Of course, you should never do anything that makes you feel unsafe, but if you’re still weighing when and how to come out to your family, I encourage you to do it sooner rather than later. Even if you face criticism from some, there are millions of us waiting to welcome you into the LGBTQ family.
If you’ve already navigated the waters of coming out, good for you! But that doesn’t mean your work with your family is done. Lots of us have family members that are supposedly supportive, but would obviously rather not discuss the fact that you’re never going to bring home a partner of the opposite sex. This year, it’s time that you push those boundaries of comfort, and have real discussions with your loved ones. It’s 20-f*cking-19, and Aunt Trish should really be able to understand that being gay isn’t a “lifestyle choice.”
Friendships in the gay community are tough. There’s no other way to say it: it can be really difficult to meet new people without immediately being judged as a potential sexual partner. Girlfriends are great, but sometimes you just want to spend quality time with some good old-fashioned queens. If you’re struggling to find your gay group, try getting a little creative this year. Step out of your comfort zone, and you might just find your people. If there’s someone you were sort of friends with in college, but haven’t talked to in a while, reach out and suggest platonic plans. Most people are more open to new friends than you think, so getting drinks once could turn into a great friendship, and they probably have other friends that you’d like too.
One thing that I did for the first time in 2018 was going out solo. Showing up to a gay bar with no squad or date in tow can be very daunting, but what’s the worst that could happen? If there’s nothing interesting going on, just have a couple drinks at the bar and call it a night. But if you find a place with a great drag show or fun dancing, it’s a great chance to meet new people! You might not find a best friend this way, but it’s still a great way to get out of the house and have a little fun.
So full disclosure, I’m very single right now. Therefore, I won’t pretend to preach like I’m some sort of relationship guru. But I do have three different dates already lined up in 2019, so I’m doing just fine for myself. I feel like we talk all the time about how gay guys just want to have random sex, or how it’s so hard to find a boyfriend, or other major generalizations like that, but it’s not so simple. Everyone is looking for something different, and it’s just a matter of finding the right match. In 2019, try focusing on putting your personal wants and needs above any preconceived notions about what you should want. Listen to your instincts, and don’t be afraid to switch up what you’re looking for. If you’re in the middle of a slutty phase, enjoy it! (Also, here are some gay sex terms that you might find useful.)
But if you’re at a point where you’re really craving a deep connection, you shouldn’t feel bad about it. If you tell a guy that you’re looking for a relationship and he doesn’t respond well, then just cut your losses and move on! There are plenty of people out there, and you shouldn’t be wasting your time with someone who has different needs than you. If you can’t wait for someone who will go on gay trips to Disney World with you, then go out there and find them!
So whether you have some major life decisions ahead, or you just want to try something different and meet some new people, there’s never been a better time to get out there and be gay. If you need any guidance, feel free to DM me @dylanhafer on Instagram, and I’ll happily provide advice and pretend my own life isn’t a mess. Above all, let’s all love each other, and have a great, gay 2019.
Images: Shutterstock; Giphy (2)
I’ll be the first one to say it: being gay can be pretty hard. Of course, there’s the societal prejudice and the ongoing battle for equal rights, but that’s not all we have to deal with. The world of gay sex and dating is basically a total nightmare, and your high school sex ed. class probably did less than nothing to prepare you for it. I’ve been out for the better part of a decade, and I still regularly find myself using Urban Dictionary to translate Grindr profiles that are essentially not written in English.
There’s no shame in wanting to learn, so I’ve picked out nine gay sex terms and concepts that can be confusing, even if you’re not a novice on the apps. Whether you’re a gay guy looking to brush up on your culture, or a girl who doesn’t want to ask her gay friend any problematic questions (we appreciate you!), this is all you need to know.
This one probably isn’t too difficult to figure out, but there’s no harm in explaining. If someone says they’re looking, don’t waste your time striking up polite conversation about their hobbies and interests. They’re here for sex, plain and simple.
In the real world, otters are adorable little animals who smash open sea urchins with rocks. In the gay community, you might be the one getting smashed. You probably know about bears and twinks at this point, but otters are a little more confusing. An otter is kind of like a bear, in that he’s pretty hairy, but skinnier.
When you’re talking to someone on the apps, it’s common for them to ask if you’re “DDF.” This stands for “drug and disease free,” and it’s a little bit problematic. First of all, it perpetuates the stigma of HIV (more on that in a minute), which is already a huge problem in the LGTBQ community. There’s also no way to know if the other person is being honest. Just because they say they don’t have any STIs or drug habits isn’t a free pass to not use protection. “DDF” is an easy question to ask, but it’s not really giving you all the information you need.
As I said, there’s a real stigma in our society about HIV and AIDS. As a member of the gay community, you owe it to yourself to be at least a little informed, and not be ignorant or offensive. “Poz” is the most common way of self-identifying as HIV positive, and you really shouldn’t block someone just because you see it in their profile. Many people living with HIV today have “undetectable” status, which means that the virus is at such low levels that blood tests don’t even detect it. The chance of an undetectable person transmitting the virus to you is extremely low, so just use protection like you normally would. This isn’t the ’80s, and you’re not a character in RENT.
Speaking of protection, we’ve come a long way. Of course, condoms are still very effective, and it’s always advisable to use them, but why limit yourself? In the last few years, a new HIV-prevention method called PrEP (Pre-exposure prophylaxis) has become widely available. While straight people have been slow to learn about it (what else is new?), it’s become common practice in the gay community. I’m not the one to explain how the science works, but PrEP reduces your chances of contracting HIV by 92%, which is pretty incredible.
Just like straight guys, gay men just love not using condoms. Talk all you want about how much better it feels, blah blah blah, whatever. “BB” is short for bareback sex, also known as having anal without a condom. I’m not here to judge, but it’s really important to make sure you and your partner are on the same page, because there are real potential consequences if you’re not careful. *gets off high horse and goes back to messaging daddies on Scruff*
If you think the only people doing meth are the psychos on Breaking Bad, I’m so sorry to burst your bubble. Meth has become a huge recreational drug in the gay community, so if that’s not your scene, it’s important to know what to avoid. A lot of gays call the drug “T,” short for “Tina,” because all drugs have like 40 weird nicknames. If you see a random capital “T” in someone’s bio, there’s a 99% chance they’re talking about meth. The word “party” is also usually about hard drugs, especially if the T is capitalized. Straight girls, be glad you don’t have to deal with this sh*t on Hinge.
If you’re not feeling the meth trend, good for you, your teeth won’t fall out! Poppers, which are actually legal, are sold in tiny little bottles and are usually marketed as nail polish remover or other household cleaning products. People like using them during sex, especially because they help certain parts of your body, um, loosen up. If you’re going to use them, make sure to do it in moderation, unless you want a wicked headache afterward.
You guys, it stands for water sports. Water sports, as in people who like pee. If this is something you’re into, go for it! If you’re appalled at the thought, then just kindly decline the offer and maybe find someone else to hook up with. There’s no shame in knowing what you like and what you don’t.
Are there any other important gay sex terms you want us to talk about? Let me know in the comments! Have fun on the apps, and if you’re unsure about something, don’t be afraid to ask questions. It’s your personal life, so your comfort should come first.
Images: Shutterstock; Giphy (3)
Olympics season is the best because the games are always on at weird hours, which means you get to watch gorgeous, graceful figure skating routines by Adam Rippon on a dive bar TV while you chug vodka cranberries and imagine that the Cardi B song bumping in the background is the actual track he’s skating to. No? That’s just me? Well, I highly recommend trying it sometime, it’s v entertaining.
The most talked about skater on the US team this year is
Margot Robbie Adam Rippon, who is competing as the first openly gay American man in the Winter Games. Just this weekend, Skate Bae – as I shall now refer to him – placed third in the Men’s Free Skate and helped propel the US Figure Skating Team to a Bronze medal. Rippon is just as popular for his insane skating skills as he is for his hilarious social media presence, and eyebrows that put Cara Delevingne’s to shame.
When the White House decided to give possessed-orphan-porcelain-doll Mike Pence the honor of leading the US delegation to the opening ceremony, Rippon threw some major shade at the idea of meeting with him before the Games. “You mean Mike Pence,” he scoffed, “the same Mike Pence that funded gay conversion therapy? I’m not buying it.”
Conversion therapy is the completely fucked up idea that homosexuality is an “illness” that can be cured with psychological treatment and, in the most extreme cases, electroshock therapy. Pence has been linked to these ideas for years, especially after a statement was posted on his campaign website calling for funding and resources “directed toward those institutions which provide assistance to those seeking to change their sexual behavior.” Um, newsflash, there’s no such thing as “changing your sexual behavior.” Have you never heard Lady Gaga’s “Born This Way?” Oh wait, you obviously haven’t because you only listen to cassette tapes of Christian Rock until 8pm when Mother* tells you it’s time for bed.
*Casual reminder that Mike Pence calls his wife “Mother” and it’s fucking weird as shit.
Last week, USA Today reported that Pence’s office was so worried about Rippon’s beef with him that they attempted to arrange a private meeting to hash it out. Rippon allegedly kept his word and declined any offer to sit face to face with a man who thinks his gay can be prayed away. Meanwhile, Pence shot down the rumors as “fake news” and said he never reached out to meet with Rippon in the first place.
Pence @ Adam:
Rippon said he has no interest in meeting with Pence after the Olympics or attending the White House’s official celebration for the athletes after they return home, since competing is his top priority, and trying to convince old white men that gay people are people too is not exactly high on the agenda.
In an interview with ABC News, he remarked, “I personally don’t have anything to say to Mike Pence. I’m very lucky because legislation that he’s pushed hasn’t affected my life at all. I spoke out because there are people out there whose lives have been affected by change that he’s tried to make. I spoke out for them because right now I have a voice and I think it’s really important for me to use it. That’s a conversation for them.” *Rainbow flags wave dramatically. “Fight Song” plays in the distance. Our new hero rises from the rink like an icy gay phoenix*
In the same interview, when asked how he would celebrate his super impressive performances in Pyeongchang, he responded, “I’m going to go to Target and I’m going to get a bottle of Sauvignon Blanc, Oyster Bay, with the twist top, immediately.” He also said that after his routine this weekend, he wanted to ask the judges for a Xanax, so basically this man is all of us, and we must protect him at all costs.
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Growing up a closet case in the suburbs of Albany, NY I never dreamed that one day I would be an authority on eyebrows, but fortunately for both of us I got out of there and now have brows that will make me look like the missing Kardashian-Jenner. Straight men pretend not to care about anything because they’re generally terrible, but in truth, they’re noticing your eyebrows. It’s literally impossible not to, they’re on your face and that’s where men look when they’re pretending they’re not just waiting to see you naked or like they care about what’s happening to your reproductive rights. As a gay man, I am able to walk in both worlds. I am the darkness, and the light. I speak man, and I speak betch. I am bilingual, and homosexual. And lucky for you I am because I spent my entire day (okay 15 minutes) asking straight men their opinions on eyebrows, and now I will translate them for you. The whole experience was exhausting so please excuse me while I go casually steal a cocktail from the bar where I “work”…
“Bold Brows Are For Drag Queens”
Now I’ve never waxed my brows in fear of looking like Samantha in that episode of Sex and the City where she has a chemical peel before Carrie’s book release party—that and the fact that waxed brows are literally never good. Why are you doing that? It’s not your middle school dance; you’re a grown-ass betch and it’s time to treat your eyebrows like the gifts they are. In my opinion the best brow is a bold one. Now our little friends (straight men) may disagree. Take Dan for example. Dan is a friend of mine because I’m a kind person. His take on bold brows is “it’s too drag queen-y.” While drag queens do often have some far-out brows, people fucking notice them and that’s literally all that matters. We’re not trying to blend in, We’re trying to be peacocks among fucking pigeons, betch—so if you have to draw your brow in loosen the purse strings, buy a decent eyebrow pencil and march down 5th avenue like you’re Beyoncé at the superbowl. Also Dan’s actually stupid and can’t handle a woman that outshines him.
“Natural Brows Look Like, Nice”
While my opinions on a bold brow are strong, and I can’t say enough that eyebrow pencils should replace no. 2’s in elementary schools worldwide so people can learn skills that actually matter, I can appreciate that not everyone’s face can handle such a dramatic look and some people prefer a lighter, natural brow. (Idiots.)
Not drawn in, sometimes not even plucked. Maybe you have a little bit of a uni, that’s okay love yourself, be yourself. However, Kyle, a friend of a friend who tagged along to get drinks (kill me) suggests “I feel like natural brows just look like, nice. Like, I feel like that girl looks nice.” He’s referring to a picture of fucking Adele whose eyebrows are sculpted to shit, just not dark. “That’s Adele,” I reply, my eyes rolling literally back into my head. “Oh well, she looks nice…” I pretend Kyle doesn’t exist for the rest of the evening and also probably forever. Fuckboys don’t understand brows and they never fucking will.
Nathan, a friend from work once asked another co-worker Maisie how come her eyebrows were red. Naturally, Maisie had just come from getting her eyebrows threaded. Nathan asked, “what’s that mean?” Trump is President and Nathan doesn’t know what fucking eyebrow threading is so welcome to hell, enjoy the ride. Eyebrow threading is the only way to go. It’s quick, it’s cheap, and you don’t look too sculpted. Nothing’s worse than getting too much taken off and having to fill in—not to mention, if it rains you’re fucked. There’s so many threading places all over the place now, the expensive ones still run you under $10. You spend five times that amount on vodka sodas at happy hour so don’t even tell me you can’t afford it.
If you’re wasting time doing pointless things like going to the gym or showering in the morning stop being so rigid and do your brows. Finally, make sure you’re plucking strays and casually penciling in every morning (literally nobody has ever noticed I pencil in). Just two minutes a day can be the difference between being Zendaya and Helga Pataki.
Conclusion: Guys Don’t Know Shit About Eyebrows
Okay so at this point you’re probably wondering, “Why the fuck would I listen to a straight guy’s opinion on my eyebrows? They don’t fucking know anything!” And guess what…you’re right! This whole thing was a trick! I incepted you, and it worked. Your brows are for you and nobody else. Besides, when was the last time a straight guy knew what he wanted? It’s always up to us to show them that shit anyway. Oh, you don’t like The Bachelor? *puts on an episode* Hmm seems like now you do. You’re welcome, straight guys. You’re welcome, betches. Now, back to my
stolen hard-earned cocktail.