Growing up a closet case in the suburbs of Albany, NY I never dreamed that one day I would be an authority on eyebrows, but fortunately for both of us I got out of there and now have brows that will make me look like the missing Kardashian-Jenner. Straight men pretend not to care about anything because they’re generally terrible, but in truth, they’re noticing your eyebrows. It’s literally impossible not to, they’re on your face and that’s where men look when they’re pretending they’re not just waiting to see you naked or like they care about what’s happening to your reproductive rights. As a gay man, I am able to walk in both worlds. I am the darkness, and the light. I speak man, and I speak betch. I am bilingual, and homosexual. And lucky for you I am because I spent my entire day (okay 15 minutes) asking straight men their opinions on eyebrows, and now I will translate them for you. The whole experience was exhausting so please excuse me while I go casually steal a cocktail from the bar where I “work”…
“Bold Brows Are For Drag Queens”
Now I’ve never waxed my brows in fear of looking like Samantha in that episode of Sex and the City where she has a chemical peel before Carrie’s book release party—that and the fact that waxed brows are literally never good. Why are you doing that? It’s not your middle school dance; you’re a grown-ass betch and it’s time to treat your eyebrows like the gifts they are. In my opinion the best brow is a bold one. Now our little friends (straight men) may disagree. Take Dan for example. Dan is a friend of mine because I’m a kind person. His take on bold brows is “it’s too drag queen-y.” While drag queens do often have some far-out brows, people fucking notice them and that’s literally all that matters. We’re not trying to blend in, We’re trying to be peacocks among fucking pigeons, betch—so if you have to draw your brow in loosen the purse strings, buy a decent eyebrow pencil and march down 5th avenue like you’re Beyoncé at the superbowl. Also Dan’s actually stupid and can’t handle a woman that outshines him.
“Natural Brows Look Like, Nice”
While my opinions on a bold brow are strong, and I can’t say enough that eyebrow pencils should replace no. 2’s in elementary schools worldwide so people can learn skills that actually matter, I can appreciate that not everyone’s face can handle such a dramatic look and some people prefer a lighter, natural brow. (Idiots.)
Not drawn in, sometimes not even plucked. Maybe you have a little bit of a uni, that’s okay love yourself, be yourself. However, Kyle, a friend of a friend who tagged along to get drinks (kill me) suggests “I feel like natural brows just look like, nice. Like, I feel like that girl looks nice.” He’s referring to a picture of fucking Adele whose eyebrows are sculpted to shit, just not dark. “That’s Adele,” I reply, my eyes rolling literally back into my head. “Oh well, she looks nice…” I pretend Kyle doesn’t exist for the rest of the evening and also probably forever. Fuckboys don’t understand brows and they never fucking will.
Nathan, a friend from work once asked another co-worker Maisie how come her eyebrows were red. Naturally, Maisie had just come from getting her eyebrows threaded. Nathan asked, “what’s that mean?” Trump is President and Nathan doesn’t know what fucking eyebrow threading is so welcome to hell, enjoy the ride. Eyebrow threading is the only way to go. It’s quick, it’s cheap, and you don’t look too sculpted. Nothing’s worse than getting too much taken off and having to fill in—not to mention, if it rains you’re fucked. There’s so many threading places all over the place now, the expensive ones still run you under $10. You spend five times that amount on vodka sodas at happy hour so don’t even tell me you can’t afford it.
If you’re wasting time doing pointless things like going to the gym or showering in the morning stop being so rigid and do your brows. Finally, make sure you’re plucking strays and casually penciling in every morning (literally nobody has ever noticed I pencil in). Just two minutes a day can be the difference between being Zendaya and Helga Pataki.
Conclusion: Guys Don’t Know Shit About Eyebrows
Okay so at this point you’re probably wondering, “Why the fuck would I listen to a straight guy’s opinion on my eyebrows? They don’t fucking know anything!” And guess what…you’re right! This whole thing was a trick! I incepted you, and it worked. Your brows are for you and nobody else. Besides, when was the last time a straight guy knew what he wanted? It’s always up to us to show them that shit anyway. Oh, you don’t like The Bachelor? *puts on an episode* Hmm seems like now you do. You’re welcome, straight guys. You’re welcome, betches. Now, back to my
stolen hard-earned cocktail.
We can all agree that men know nothing about fashion, food, travel, or truly anything. Let’s be clear, I am a man—a super gay man, yes—but I know about straight guy stuff because I unfortunately know many of them. Even grew up with several.
Recently I overheard a straight guy named Randy (I can’t even) say “Huh, that look cool,” in regards to a woman’s flawless ombre that she most definitely paid millions for, as he tucked his football back into his pants and grunted about classic rock. I looked at the floor shaking my head, my own freshly dyed faux-gray hair falling into my eyes. Most men simply don’t get it, and yet their opinions are considered “important,” what with them essentially
ruining running our entire government and making decisions for us and all that fun stuff. It’s insane bullshit, but until the day we completely dismantle the patriarchy it’s important to take time to see things from everyone’s point of view. Or so I am told by straight white men.
I spent many years pretending I was a straight man, acting indifferent towards any and all fashion trends so people wouldn’t find out my secrets of being gay and also fashionable, because society drives it into our heads that those things go hand in hand and that we shouldn’t express them. Which is why I asked some aforementioned straight men what they thought about the hottest summer trends. Here’s what they had to say:
1. Denim Skirts
Let’s begin by talking about the elephant in the room. Summer is approaching more rapidly than global warming can destroy us, and denim skirts are coming back faster than Beyoncé’s body after she had Blue Ivy.
Personally, I fucking hate denim skirts. Nothing says “I shop mostly at strip malls upstate” like a denim skirt. Even the high fashion ones you can get for hundreds of dollars in Soho look like they could be Faded Glory by Walmart. The opinion of the straight male, however, seems to skew very different. Straight guys love denim skirts. They live for them, in fact. You want the attention of a fuckboy? Slap on a denim skirt from Forever 21, a little mascara and a band T-shirt you’ve never actually listened to/cared about and the fuckboys will come crawling out of the woodwork like pretentious termites. Take Sean from Maine, for example, who said, “Denim skirts are okay. They’re pretty hot I guess. Like, in the summer I like them.” I didn’t have time to punch Sean from Maine in the face and also he is my brother’s friend so instead I mentally clocked him as a fuckboy and moved on.
2. Starbucks’ Unicorn Frappuccino
Speaking of things that are insane, let’s discuss Starbucks’ Unicorn Frappucino. It’s only here for a very brief time and I think we all need to thank whatever God we pray to that they go away as fast as they came. They’re literally all sugar and food coloring and Starbucks’ baristas hate making them. If I was ever interested in a dude and he ordered a fucking Unicorn Frappucino, I would probably wait for it to come out and then throw it in his face. If a straight guy thinks it’s cute or charming that you want a Unicorn Frappucino then he’s an idiot, or very possibly a pedophile, and you should ghost him immediately—and I’ll add we should all ghost the Unicorn Frappucino. To get a straight guy to comment on a Unicorn Frappucino they’d have to admit that they’ve had one, which would make them maybe seem gay to their friends at the gym, so you’ll have to just trust me on this one.
“What’s underboob?” Dan, a bartender in Brooklyn asks while pretending to be stressed about making me a vodka martini. After showing him my go-to underboob picture from Kylie Jenner’s Instagram, he changes his tune. “Ohh, yeah, yeah…I like that. I like underboob.” So complex, the male species is.
So that brings me to underboob. Of course fucking sicko straight dudes love underboob, but the thing is…so do I?!? If it’s done tastefully it can be shocking and exciting and even high fashion. Celebs everywhere are doing it, from Lady Gaga to Gigi Hadid. Women have been showing top boob for centuries, and side boob for the last three years or so, so why not show off the bottom? It exudes confidence and when I see it I automatically think that the woman showing it off is not to be messed with. I mean, Beyoncé and Nicki Minaj have been doing it for years, so it’s truly insane that it’s taken this long to really catch on. Plus, now you can show off that tattoo you got on your rib cage when you were 18 that you never want your mom to see.
4. Pink Eyeshadow
Hot. Pink. Eyeshadow. It was very popular at the Met Gala, with celebs from Jennifer Connelly to Selena Gomez sporting the attention-getter with no apologies. I’m very into it. I think it makes the eyes pop while sending a subtle message of “I’m confident and I’m better than you, which may be due in part to the Adderall I just railed,” which is always the message I try to send. Straight men tend to shy away from a bold eye or a bold lip—or a bold personality, for that matter—but I’m here for it. My friend’s boyfriend Ian said, “What’s eyeshadow?” After I convinced him that knowing what eyeshadow is doesn’t make him gay, he finally admitted that he knew what it was and also that he didn’t like it. See? They’re timid about very bold makeup choices as it may draw attention from other men and you may end up leaving them for someone more confident. Men and peacocks essentially think the same way.
5. Center Parts
Center-parted hair is back and sort of becoming classic, at least if Mariska Hargitay’s hairstyle on this season of Law & Order: SVU is any indication. The center part has never really gone away, and with Kim K sporting one at the Met Gala last week, it’s sure to be popular this summer. Center parts are…fine. My personal taste is a little…flashier…but if you’re heading to the beach or to a house party and you don’t have a lot of time to get ready, then yes, by all means go with the center part. Fuckboys love a center part because it’s not too flashy and they think they’re deep for being into a girl that looks high fashion. As I explain this article to a friend, her boyfriend who we’ll call Straight Eric mentions he likes center parts because it makes girls seem seem smart and sophisticated. While I can’t disagree, I am surprised he knows what the word sophisticated means.
To wrap up, I’d like to say that only one opinion matters and that’s yours. Fashion trends wouldn’t happen if someone wasn’t the first person to slap on hot pink eyeshadow, or reveal underboob. Where would we as a society be without the brave trailblazer who thought “maybe I’ll part my hair…but in the middle?!” There’s no excuse for the Unicorn Frappucino, but hopefully this summer has some other fun food trends in store for us, preferably ones that won’t give you immediate health issues related to high insulin levels.
The takeaway I hope you learn from this is all men are insecure and you should never change your makeup or wardrobe or anything about you at all based on their preference. (Unless they’re like…Ralph Lauren. Then maybe listen to his fashion advice.)