UPDATED: Our Craziest Predictions For The Final Season Of ‘Game Of Thrones’

Holy sh*t, fam. After two f*cking years, we only have one episode left of this show that’s literally run my life for a preposterous number of hours. What will I do without my weekly bought of incest, dragons, dragon rides, dead kids nailed to walls, hookers, 80-minute battle sequences, and people just generally behaving badly? HBO – your network is so utterly f*cked after next Sunday. But, I appreciate you trying to give me a will to live with Chernobyl, Big Little Lies, and Barry.

If you haven’t watched this week’s episode, stop reading right now and go read our recap, because this sh*t isn’t going to make a ton of sense to you. Additionally, although nothing has been proven yet, spoilers ahead, so gtfo and don’t @ me in the comments.

Predictions for the end of our epic journey have been floating around the Internet since Game of Thrones kicked off years ago, but we’re finally able to *fairly* confidently predict a few things that we think may happen this season, wrapping up the whole ice, fire, iron throne, and dragon saga.

We’ve updated this article with new predictions, based on the new developments that occurred this week, and will be updating this every week. The new predictions are at the top, so keep scrolling if you want to read the older predictions to see if we were right.

Arya Or Jon Will Kill Dany

I’m torn between Arya or Jon placing the knife that I’m convinced will kill Dany, but one of them, I think, is definitely taking this b*tch out. Dany completed her batsh*t arc in episode 5 when she decided to ignore the bells of surrender in King’s Landing and just burn f*cking everyone. Like, I get it, girl. I feel you. We all have days when laying waste and ruin to a large city seems like the best choice. But after Tyrion, Jon, and Arya see the absolute destruction (and need for a burn ward) left as a result of Dany’s PMS meltdown, I think it’s safe to say that someone is going to need to take her out.

She’s slowly devolved into crazytown territory, and, unfortunately for our fav dragon queen, not enough time has passed to forget the insanity of her father, The Mad King. I think Jon, being the stand-up dude he is, or Arya, being the creepy assassin she is, will have to take matters into their own hands and get this b*tch off the throne.

Dany Is Going To Kill Tyrion

Since we’ve already predicted that Tyrion will do something sh*tty (which, at this point, sh*tty is in the eye of the beholder, since Dany doesn’t deserve the throne anyway after roasting roughly a million people alive), we’re going to go out on a limb and predict that he will use his newfound knowledge of Jon Snow’s ancestry to turn people against Dany, which he already has and did, leading to Varys becoming a bald marshmallow. But, I think he’ll further undermine her and push others to do the same.
Dany knows that Tyrion told Varys and has chosen his fam (and now Jon) a few times over her and has threatened him as a result of his decisions. After seemingly not giving a f*ck about killing literally everyone last night, I don’t think it’d be a stretch for Dany to turn on Tyrion, too. So, yeah, don’t count on Tyrion making it out of the series alive.

Dany Will Try To Kill Jon

We all knew Dany wouldn’t exactly be psyched when Jon told her the news about him being the rightful king of the Seven Kingdoms and the revelation that they’ve been incesting, hard. But the absolute seething RAGE that she expressed during episode 2 was way worse than I was expecting, leading me to believe she’s gonna do something super sh*tty à la try to nonchalantly kill Jon in the near future and make it look like an accident.
She also further confirmed that she’ll go to any lengths to keep Jon’s ancestry a secret, what with her literal begging in episode 4 and threats against Sansa (and Jon, honestly) if things don’t go her way. There are tons of theories floating around that having Dany become the villain would be SO typical of George RR I-can’t-finish-a-book Martin, too, since his main thing is that fiction should be full of grey areas and not really knowing who’s “good” and who’s “bad”.
Plus, in an interview, Emilia Clarke made mention of feeling awful about her character’s final scenes: “‘It f*cked me up,’ she says. ‘Knowing that is going to be a lasting flavor in someone’s mouth of what Daenerys is . . .'” So, yeah—that doesn’t seem to foretell of great things happening for the Khalessi of the great grass sea, the unburnt, yada yada yada.

Tyrion Is Gonna Do Something Sh*tty

REMAINS TO BE SEEN, BUT IT’S HAPPENING, Y’ALL. As of episode 5, Tyrion clearly chose his family’s safety over Dany’s doom and gloom destiny and, if she finds out, he’s in for a world of sh*t.

Game of Thrones Redditors pinned this theory back during the Season 7 finale (and based on book outlines), when Tyrion was sketchily lurking outside the room where Jon and Dany were incest-ing. Although I (and Reddit) fully believe that Tyrion is, at his core, a good dude, he also is clearly torn between his family and his new queen, which we saw for sure last night when he decided to let Jamie escape to be with Cersei.

Think about his reaction to the absolute slaughter that Dany wrecked on Jaime’s armies outside Highgarden in Season 7 and last night’s absolute horror over Dany’s decision to BURN THIS SH*T OUT OF THE CITY even after the bells signaled surrender. How about his decision to have a one-on-one with Cersei after she wanted nothing to do with Jon and Dany’s monster quest? What did he say in that meeting that we didn’t see? How about him putting himself between Dany and Cersei in episode 4 and offering Cersei a way out after Dany was completely not chill about it? I think, unknowingly, Tyrion’s alliances are going to bite him in the ass, and he may end up paying for it with his life.

 

All The Dragons Will Die

Drogon made it through the siege and battle (can we honestly even call it a battle?) of King’s Landing in episode 5 without being shot out of the sky by one of Qyburn’s scorpions, so it would appear that Drogon could make it through to the end of the series. But, again, I still feel it’s unlikely for a lasting peace to prevail while dragons are alive and with a fire breathing scaly death airplane hanging around.

As we know, Dany blew a three dragon lead, which doesn’t say much for her military prowess. To recap, the only dragon that ate sh*t and died during the Battle of Winterfell was the v blue-fire-breathing Viserion, who had it comin’. The army of the dead did not, however, succeed in killing Rhaegal or Drogon. Enter dirty Pirate, Euron, and his out-of-nowhere attack on Rhaegal in episode 4. Boom, another dragon eats sh*t.

It’s a super fun thought, what to have a blonde queen and her badass dragon keeping everyone in line, but it doesn’t really fit with the whole “yay happy ending thing.” Although, maybe that’s what the showrunners want?

Plus, all of these dragons were male, and, while we’re all for gay dragon rights and families, it’s gonna be really difficult to produce more dragons without a lady dragon involved. There is a totally oddball theory that there are dragon eggs hidden underneath Winterfell, but that seems pretty far-fetched at the moment.

 

Jamie Will Die In Brienne’s Arms

DEBUNKED – THEORY DEAD. Apparently, Jamie was more about dying “in the arms of the woman (he) loves” than Brienne of Tarth who like, I’m sorry, girl, you’re too good for this one-armed sister-lover.

Although both Jamie and Brienne made it out of the Battle of Winterfell alive, I’m still thinking that Jamie will, in an effort to kill Cersei, end up dying in Brienne’s arms. Jaime is currently on his way to King’s Landing, supposedly to just see and make out with Cersei, but I tend to think he’s actually going on a suicide mission to take that B out once and for all.

Newly non-virgin Brienne is, by all accounts, going to follow Jaime down there, and, chances are, she’ll be there when Cersei (or the Mountain) kill him. I was sure that either Brienne or Jamie had solidified spots in and around the “gonna die” list with their arcs in episode 2. First, we had Brienne sticking up for Jamie during the whole “you killed my father prepare to die” thing from Dany. Then, we have Jamie asking Brienne if she’d allow him to serve under her during the absolute sh*tfest to come, which was so cute, you guys.
Then, we have everyone drinking around a fire, cuddling, and Jamie knighting Brienne in one of the most “I’m not crying, you’re crying” moments to come out of this show in a while. Most recently, these two have FINALLY solidified their love for one another with episode 4’s lovefest. That, to me (and a bunch of Redditors), translates to Jamie dying defending Brienne at some point in the future. To have Jamie die honorably in the arms of someone his old character would have despised would tie up his whole schtick nicely.

Jaime Will Kill Cersei

DEBUNKED; THEORY DEAD. I should have known that Jamie could never bring himself to kill Cersei – the woman who has literally caused the majority of his behavior and approach to, well, everything, throughout this entire show. I also should have known that he could never kill her while she was still preggers with his kid. Honestly, the way they went out felt right. They came into the world together, were awful people together, and died together.

When Jaime walked away from Cersei during the Season 7 finale and headed off to support Winterfell, we all collectively knew sh*t was about to get real. Jaime’s character arc has been at a stopping point for a while now, since he’s less pushing-kids-outta-towers than in previous seasons. It makes sense that Jaime will complete his character’s journey once he kills Cersei—the reason behind a lot of his bad behavior. He will probably die in the process (my money is on the Mountain slapping him to death), but he’ll have destroyed the woman that’s been responsible for a lot of the misery on this show, too.

*SAD LANNISTER THEME MUSIC INTENSIFIES.*

Reddit threads seems to think history will repeat itself—possibly with an ever-more-out-of-touch Cersei screaming “burn them all” when Jaime snaps and kills her. Plus, there’s the whole Maggie the Frog prophecy that Cersei will be killed by the Valonqar—Valerian for “little brother,” and Jaime is the younger twin.

Cersei Will Lose The Baby

THEORY SORTA PROVEN. Cersei dies and, therefore, so does her incesty baby. RIP Betch – you were my fav character.
… and she knows it. That’s why she isn’t willing to compromise with Dany in any way; even if it could mean potentially saving her (and her unborn child’s) life. The Maggie the Frog prophecy said she’d have three children and would be queen before being forced out by a younger, prettier one. We can assume that’s Dany, since her outfits are so on point this season. Maggie didn’t say anything about a fourth child, which leads me to believe she’s never going to have said child. Will this be the nail in her crazy coffin—leading her to use what’s left of her wildfire stores to destroy King’s Landing over seeing Dany on the throne? Probably. She’ll definitely die a terrible death, too, likely at the hands of either Jamie or Arya.

The Mountain Will Kill Arya

THEORY DEBUNKED. ARYA RUNS AWAY. Look, I’m not an Arya fan, and I really thought she’d have something to do with Clegane Bowl but, alas, the Hound, in a fit of feels, sent her away on her not-sure-where we’re going journey before he could go kill his brother. Where she’ll end up is anyone’s guess, but aside from providing a first-person glimpse into the horror on the ground during Dany’s dragon fly-bys, we aren’t positive what’s next for this betch.
Arya just solidified her spot as a bad ass b*tch by totally f*cking the Night King’s whole “no one is nice to me so I’ll kill everyone” plan. After stabbing him and, thereby, literally winning the dead vs. living war, Arya is probably going to go on to die in a cool way.
Our prediction is that once she’s at King’s Landing with the rest of the Winterfell posse, Arya will work to cross Gregor Clegane’s name off her list. Episode 4 confirmed that the Hound and Arya will be heading to King’s Landing and, well, probs won’t live long while there. We don’t really see Arya making it out of the series alive, so what better way to get rid of her than to have her mortally wound The Mountain and die in the process? Don’t @ me—it makes total sense. Plus, her death at the Mountain’s hands would give Sandor Clegane, the Hound, a reason to fight his brother in a blind rage and win. We saw during the battle at Winterfell how quickly the Hound sprang to action when he knew Arya was in trouble. You heard it here first.

Clegane-Bowl Is Happening

I WIN, *ITCHES. THEORY PROVEN. We got to see the apocalyptic brother bashing session during episode 5, and, unfortunately, we lost both Cleganes as a result. RIP Sandor “The Hound” Clegane – you went out killing your zombie brother in a sea of fire and blood. I salute you. I don’t salute you, Zombie Gregor “The Mountain” Clegane. You were pretty much a d*ck the whole series.
We got a teeny, tiny tease of Cleganebowl during the last episode of season 7, when the Hound reminded his brother he was coming for him. After his horse-riding-convo scene with Arya in episode 4 and his mention of “unfinished business”, I think we can safely assume that the Hound is definitely heading to King’s Landing to finally destroy his brother, the Mountain, for making his face look like a bowl of half-warm spaghetti.
The Cleganes don’t exactly love each other, and I think the coming battle will see one or both Sandor and Gregor eat sh*t and die (as does Reddit). Like I said above, I do think Arya will have a role to play in all this, whether it’s being the death that spurs the Hound to act or avenging the Hound once he’s dead. Regardless, it’s gonna be amazing.

Dany Is Totes Preggers And Will Die

DEBUNKED/DEAD. I’m gonna say this theory is out the window. There’s no way that the showrunners are going to introduce a plot twist like Dany being pregnant in the last episode ever. I would go so far as to say that the showrunners themselves planted this theory JUST to throw me off. How rude, honestly.

This rumor has been floating around since Dany and Jon got it on in the boat in Season 7’s final episode, and a lot of it seems to have to do with the witch’s prophecy about the sun rising in the East and all that jazz. First off, gross, cause incest. But, more importantly, if Dany is going to die, which she probably will, a death via childbirth is pretty neat and tidy for the sake of the plot. Jon and the kid will, if I had to guess, probably live, and go on to create a new and better world in Westeros. There are also people claiming that Dany looks bigger this season than she did last season, but I personally think she’s just in hibernation mode.

Additionally, if we go back to Dany’s vision in Season 2 in the House of the Undying, she sees Khal Drogo and her infant son waiting for her beyond the wall. Redditors think this signifies her death beyond the wall and, since she’s alone, a child that lives.

Jon Will Keep His Secret For Now

THEORY DEBUNKED. I LOSE.

Samwell revealed to Jon in Episode 1 of Season 8 that he is, in fact, the heir to the Iron Throne. Jon has A LOT of feelings about this. Although he really only vocalizes that he can’t believe Ned Stark – the man he believed was his father for his entire life – lied to him, he also mentions that this whole conversation is treason, since he’s pledged himself to Dany’s claim and cause. But, really, deep down, he’s also probably super weirded out that he’s been making out with his aunt.

All these factors and feelings together make us believe one thing – he isn’t telling Dany about his parentage any time soon. First of all, any mention of his claim to the throne would immediately (probably) lose him Dany as an ally. He needs her (and her fire-breathing pets) to defeat the Night King AND take hold of the country.

I might be wrong about all this sh*t, but we only have a few more Game of Thrones episodes left, and a lot of plot to get through. Whether these predictions are exactly right or not, I think we can all agree that a lot of people will die, and there will probably be some more incest. Yay!

 

Everyone In The Crypts Is F*cked

Game of Thrones

THEORY CONFIRMED. I WIN.
It should have been a red flag based on how many times we heard that the crypts are the absolute f*cking safest place in Winterfell roughly 15 times during episode 2. In addition, we have the footage of Arya bolting through said crypts (as seen in the above gif) in one of the longer trailers for this season. She is likely being chased by a dead, headless Ned Stark or direwolf raised to f*ck sh*t up.
On top of all that, in the preview for episode 3, you can head Dany saying, “the dead are already here.” Well, sh*t. Chances are, it was a really bad decision to hide the women, children, and eunuchs in the literal graveyard of Winterfell when you have an enemy approaching whose main hobby is f*cking reanimating dead things. “Hey, we have an enemy approaching that loves electrocuting people; let’s hide near these power lines.” C’mon guys—let’s use some logic.

Bran Will Defeat The Night King

THEORY DEBUNKED. BRAN IS USELESS.

Anyone else sick of Bran? He lost my respect when he v awkwardly brought up Sansa’s “wedding” to Ramsey (and the subsequent rape and beating) with about as much emotion as I have when I’m scrolling through Instagram. Despite his newfound weirdness, Bran is very likely to play a role in the defeat of the Night King. If the dragons all destroy each other and the Night King survives a dragon crash, short of an epic sword fight with Jon Snow, nothing is likely to take this guy down. That is, unless Bran gets inside his head.

The showrunners have set us up to accept that Bran has a very odd connection with the Night King, and it’s likely that he’ll attempt to warg into the frozen soldier’s brain and win the war. However, I think he’ll get stuck, and the only way to end the whole ordeal will be for someone – probably Jon – to kill Bran. You heard it here first. Also f*ck Bran, he’s the weirdest Game of Thrones character.

Images: HBO; Giphy (6)

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Ranking The ‘Game of Thrones’ Characters With The Most Big Dick Energy

The final season of Game of Thrones is upon us, and I’m sure you’ve all seen plenty of predictions, questionable spoilers, and lame people complaining about how they don’t care. But there’s one issue that hasn’t been getting nearly enough coverage, and it’s time to address the most important Game of Thrones question: which character has the most Big Dick Energy? 2018 was the year of BDE, and honestly, it’s not going anywhere. Whoever wins the iron throne is irrelevant, but whoever has the most BDE…now there’s a reason to bend the knee. Move over Pete Davidson, because winter is coming.

10. Lyanna Mormont

Lyanna doesn’t have a huge role in Game of Thrones, but anytime she is in a scene she is exuding big dick energy. She’s a literal child who rules her house like a boss, and grown-ass men respect the hell out of her. She’s a no-nonsense bitch, and she’s got the BDE to prove it.

9. Tyrion Lannister

It’s been heavily implied that Tyrion is well-endowed, and the energy of his endowment matches the size. He can drink anyone under the table, has a witty comeback to everything, and to put it bluntly: this guy f*cks. Big dick energy for a big dick’d man.

8. Ygritte

The first thing we learn about Ygritte is that she’s very good at making fun of Jon Snow for being a virgin who can’t murder her. Love that. She also teaches Jon Snow how to eat pussy, for which I deem her a BDE legend. Plus, she brought us the line, “You know nothing, Jon Snow.” And for that we are eternally grateful. May Ygritte and her BDE RIP.

7. Lord Varys

Lord Varys may be missing his member, but he has the dick energy of a man with a 12-inch shlong. He always has to tea to spill, and he does so very strategically. He’s a messy bitch who lives for drama, and he’s always playing games. That sh*t takes a lot of energy–big dick energy, that is.

6. The Night King

This dude goes around murdering people for like, no apparent reason? Kind of a dick move, but also a big dick move. Guy gives zero f*cks. Like, he literally came to slay.

5. Just Like, Dragons In General

Dragons can fly, breathe fire, and are generally terrifying and beautiful. This is the big dick energy that Westeros deserves.

4. Daenerys Targaryen

She is the mother of dragons, need I say more? I don’t need to, but I will. Daenerys started out as a servant-bride, who then simultaneously rebirthed herself and three dragons by surviving a fire, and continued to casually gather a massive army of soldiers who have all bent the knee to her as their queen. Swing that big dick energy around, girl.

3. Cersei Lannister

Cersei has two modes: drinking wine while arching her brows, and mercilessly murdering people with a smirk. That makes her a giant bitch with massive dick energy. Sure, she f*cks her brother, but she is also a woman in a man’s world who has managed to rise to the top by outsmarting everyone at every move.

2. Olenna Tyrell

From the moment Olenna Tyrell walked on the scene, talking about cheese in her gorgeous headdress, we all knew we were dealing with a goddamn queen. Pretty much every line she delivered became an instant meme, as she was never not dishing out blunt insults and witty wisdoms. And she did so right up until the iconic moment that she died, when she used her last moments to talk shit about Cersei, and then calmly tell Jamie Lannister that she killed his son, right after he had decided to grant her a painless death via poison. That right there is peak BDE.

1. Arya Stark

Let’s be real, any girl who has a list of names of people to murder has the most big dick energy of all. Her entire life since the series began has been dedicated to seeking revenge via murder, so like, she might be a sociopath, but we know for sure that she is a BDE queen. Remember when she cut up two of Walder Frey’s sons, fed them to him in a pie, slit his throat, carved off his face, and used it to disguise herself as him, and then slaughtered the entire House Frey? Yeah, there isn’t a ruler out there big enough to measure that dick energy.

So these are the official rankings for now, but we’ll be watching carefully throughout Game of Thrones season 8 to see if anything changes. Maybe Jon Snow will suddenly stop being a little bitch, or maybe Dany will do something to really annoy us. Who knows? This sh*t is about to get crazy, and I can’t wait to see it all go down.

Images: HBO, Giphy (10)