The Hocus Pocus 2 trailer dropped and our reproductive rights have been taken away, so now it’s official: forget “hot girl summer,” this year I’m having the summer of the witch. I’m not going tanning, taking a “bikini body bootcamp” class, or paying for a trip to Cabo (who can afford it with inflation, amirite?). No—this summer, I’m embracing my inner magic witchy nightmare girl. This summer, I’m becoming a witch.
As an actor, I learned that you can create a character either inside-out (how does the character think?) or outside-in (how does the character look?). I’m going outside-in. Famous witch Daniel Day Lewis (The Crucible) would often wear his character’s clothes all the time to help him get into the character’s headspace. Since I fell off my hairdresser’s schedule due to having no childcare in the summer (thanks, again, America), my hair is getting wire-like and gray. My wise friend told me that since she was in a similar situation and gave up dying her curly locks, letting it assume its natural white, she has only grown more powerful, so I have decided to do the same.
Does it even need to be said that we are no longer bothering with body hair removal? Unless there’s a heat wave, of course. Or if you don’t like it. And while skin care is a must, makeup is purely optional. Hard pants are banned forever. No exceptions.
While your witch-forward fashion icon might skew more Fairuza Balk in The Craft, I take my 90s inspiration from Practical Magic. I don’t go for Sandra Bullock’s tragic beauty, though, and certainly do not emulate “hang onto your husbands, girls,” top-of-her-sexual-prime Nicole Kidman, either. I don’t even want to be sweet-as-pie Dianne Wiest. I’m going full Stockard Channing. Give me a thick smokey eye made from the ashes of the patriarchy and big floppy hat. Let my hair curl with the salty sea air and let me wear my full Victorian garb as I tend to my voluptuous garden. I will more likely utter a chesty tequila-laden curse than a compliment any day.
Now to the witchy behaviors. Did you know that crows are very social and smart creatures? I’ve started leaving trinkets for the crows in my neighborhood—shiny objects—so they are attuned to me and will do my bidding, Moira Rose-style, when the time comes. I have a couple neighbors who I think might not like me and I have some ideas of how the crows can help my cause. Don’t worry about it. Nothing illegal.
May I also suggest you stop speaking to the cats that frequent your doorstep in such an infantilizing way? Give them the respect they deserve and carry on a normal conversation with them. Soon they will become your familiars and can sneak into all sorts of places you cannot and tell you secrets.
Call up your “hot girl crew” and form a coven. Instead of a traditional book club, learn some basic spells. Dance naked under the full moon to your Spotify Witchy Woman playlist (mostly Stevie Nicks) and howl with the urban coyotes that live in the woods nearby. You’d be surprised how freeing it is.
You don’t need to give up men altogether. If, like me, you are cursed with wretched heterosexuality, you can still date, love even, but guard your heart, precious witches, and keep a non-digitized journal recording your moon sickness dates. If you do get possessed by an ex or deceased lover, be stocked and ready for an exorcism or at least an emergency appointment with your therapist or astrologer.
I know there was some talk of Golden Girls summer, and respect to those ladies, but it’s not enough, holy ghost of Bea Arthur, and times have changed. In order to enact some real change around here, we need to get our sexy boooooook (spoken in Bette Midler’s voice from Hocus Pocus), consult your tarot cards, and start hexing. Also please make sure you’re registered to vote and it wouldn’t hurt to call up or write your representative. Curses optional on that one.
Take care out there, witchy wonders.
Image: Laura Herrera / Stocksy.com
How is it that I’ve happily been to dozens of parties that celebrate the result of two people fornicating, yet no one has once thrown me a bash for all the sex I’m having?!
Our calendars are consistently stacked with events dedicated to those procreating or creating a new life together, but what about those of us creating in other ways? Child-free and spouse-free people have already started to take matters into their own hands—registering for home goods for milestone birthdays or throwing themselves parties for career achievements—but what if we normalized invitation-worthy affairs, disconnected from marriage and children? Here’s a look at a long-overdue rebrand of beloved traditional celebrations (i.e. engagement parties, gender reveals, wedding receptions, etc.) into playful, poignant, plausible shindigs everyone can dig.
The Aunt-iversary Party
Everyone under 12 is obsessed with you. You bring the best gifts. You tell the best stories. You roll in ready to toast the 3-year-old’s sippy cup with a canned cocktail, and roll right out after 52 rounds of peek-a-boo. You’re a crucial pillar in any group’s dynamic—always prepared to entertain and protect. (Unless, of course, you’re hungover from the date with the Bumble match who also had a picture captioned “not my baby.”) The aunt-iversary party is a celebration of the cool, fun, wild aunt’s freelance commitment to all their nieces and nephews (honorary or hereditary), and the perfect pregame before your next date.
Party tip: Let your tiniest fans invite their friends, but only the ones with available single dads.
Sure, it’s better to give, but it’s also incredibly satisfying to receive. And look at that—you just received life-changing career news, an award, a degree, a raise, a promotion, an acceptance, a clean bill of health, a book deal, a giant check, or the best “yes” of your life, so it’s time to revel in your ascent to the next level at the coveted reception-reception. Order the champagne fountain, the queso fountain, the regular fountain—any kind of fountain, really—and tell the DJ to turn it up, because we’re celebrating you making moves on and off the dance floor.
Party tip: In the spirit of a classic reception activity, toss a copy of your latest achievement behind you, then watch as friends and family hurl their bodies in all directions to catch it, in hopes of being next.
The (Social Media) Engagement Party
Your latest selfie got 527 likes. Your tweet about happy hour went viral and six enemies from high school messaged you to say, “You’re famous!” A celeb shared your amusing article, emotional essay, tipsy TikTok, or poignant photo. All you can think is: This is what it must feel like when a Kardashian soft-launches a new boyfriend. Offline milestones are pleasing and paramount, but you’re crushing it online, so let’s crush some cocktails to memorialize your mentions. Send out the engagement announcements now!
Party tip: Register for a gift certificate to a relaxing, remote retreat for a brief respite from your retweets.
The Sex Reveal
Oh, boy—another gender reveal? No way, baby. This is a Tinder reveal! While married friends assume you’re having bad luck (because there hasn’t been a boyfriend reveal), you’re actually having a lot of bed luck. At this illuminating and risqué soirée, guests won’t find blue smoke from a monster-truck pipe or pink explosions that might set a small town aflame. You’ll simply be delivering a rousing report about your recent fruitful sexcapades, showcasing some of your brutally attractive, intimately-acquainted right-swipes, and eating cake while astonished attendees applaud your provocative prowess.
Party tip: Maybe don’t invite grandma to this one.
The Therapy Shower
You had a breakthrough, breakdown, or breakup. Your therapist declared you her funniest client. You finally did the challenging action the doc suggested—and it worked! You’ve been feeling yourself and feeling your feelings, and you deserve to feel appreciated and showered by your most trusted companions for the palpable progress. Fun games include: Guess My Co-Pay, Never Have I Ever (Told My Therapist…), Truth or Truth, and Attachment-Style Charades.
Party tip: Since you’ll be spilling some positive mental-health gossip (even though your therapist suggested you stop oversharing), the only reasonable theme is “tea party.”
The Literal Bachelorette Party
Why is it that soon-to-be-married people get to have bawdy bashes for being bachelors and bachelorettes when that’s kind of your thing? It’s time for your crew to celebrate you saying, “I do!” to… well, you. Get on board the party bus, fill up your Solo cup, and secure the novelty dick straws, because you’re feeling cocky about unmarried bliss. Being single? In this economy?! Truly a feat that deserves a fête.
Party tip: Update traditional bachelorette signage like LAST FLING BEFORE THE RING and ONE PENIS FOREVER to JUST AN AVERAGE SATURDAY NIGHT and AS MANY PENISES AS YOU WANT.
Image: Lucas Ottone /Stocksy.com
Every fan who watches Euphoria and has a Twitter account usually ends up tweeting one of two things: A) KIDS DON’T ACT LIKE THAT! or B) When I was a kid, I was a sexy badass like Sydney Sweeney, and y’all are nerds. The truth for most people is probably somewhere in between, but a more relevant question is not what kind of teen you used to be—it’s what kind of Euphoria adult are you now? The focus might be on the young, dewy cast with their perfect skin and sweat-defying eyeliner, but a lot of this show gets stolen by the parents in the room. In theory, they’re the ones in charge. If the Euphoria fans with a high school diploma are honest, they will definitely see a lot more of themselves in one of these old heads than the 25-year-olds playing teenagers.
More than any other adult on the show, Suze seems to have her head on straight. She knows what to do when Rue shows up at her door going through withdrawal: narc on her to her mom. She knows what to do when Cassie is flipping out over Nate: hide the knives. She knows what to do when Millionaire Matchmaker is on: watch it. And she is hooting and hollering in support of Lexi as she watches her wine-swilling get mocked on stage. Yes, Suze drinks, but in her situation, wouldn’t you? Life’s not easy for Suze, but she’s grinding through and making the most practical choices of anyone in East Highland. Though that’s not saying a lot.
Who hasn’t dreamed of pissing all over their foyer and then absconding into the night? Cal is pure id, the part of ourselves we all push down and work to control so we don’t hurt the people around us. For the most part, Cal has done a terrible job at suppressing any of his urges and has left a huge swathe of destruction all around him. The best choice he’s made in ages is abandoning his family. While no one is suggesting you do that, if you’re anything like Cal, maybe book a therapy appointment before opening the tequila bottle.
Marsha, Marsha, Marsha. We didn’t really know much about Marsha for a while, until she finally acknowledged she has a horrible husband. Now we know she was a fox. We know she used to be a sexual dynamo. We know she likes to smoke, drink, and have really confrontational convos with her son in the kitchen like it’s an R-rated Nancy Meyers film. Marsha has been in denial, but she’s not letting things slide anymore.
Are you sexually suggestive and feeding alcohol to someone who is barely legal in your backyard pool? If so, you’re Minka Kelly and should go directly to jail!
This is a man who is very wise, and that wisdom has come at an extremely high price. He might be one of the few people who really understand Rue the way she needs to be understood. Unfortunately, he is sometimes too much of an adult to really communicate with her in a way that gets through, and one cruel teen comment from her can send him spinning. Which is honestly an excellent portrayal of parenting.
Obviously, Laurie is a stone cold bitch, but she also really knows what’s up. Like, I would not trust a child with Laurie, but she is the person I’d want on my side in a tough spot, you know? Not all adults are nurturing. This one is about as tender as a cobra ready to strike.
Unfortunately, Fezco is technically an adult. Sorry to all the Lexi and Fez shippers out there. The show is taking pains to establish that a number of characters are 18 and therefore legal. But Lexi is also canonically 443 days younger than her sister Cassie, who still seems to be in high school, so you do the math. Fez is a very young adult, and surprisingly one of the sweetest characters the show features. Drug dealing is a family business, and it’s easy to imagine the kind of person Fez might have been if he weren’t sucked up into all the danger and difficulty of his job. Still, this is an adult who still has some growing up to do, even if in many ways he never got to be a kid.
Poor Leslie. I can’t even give her any crap, despite the fact that she is a fictional character. This lady has been through the ringer, losing her husband, seemingly about to lose one daughter, maybe two. If you are eating ice cream out of the carton in bed having the most nihilistic conversation ever, you might be a Leslie. And I want to give you a hug.
Image: Eddy Chen/HBO (7); HBO (2)
*You’ve been added to the Group Chat “Holiday Ho-Ho-Hos”*
Danielle: I finally get to see my girlies!! So, where are we drinking?
Natalia: Hold up, there’s a few spots we need to avoid
Rachel: Pour House!!
Natalia: ugh, that’s one we have to avoid
Natalia: I slept with that one bartender that one time and that creepy guy from high school is always there
Rachel: Which guy?
Rachel: fuckin Stephen
Rachel: But for real, i’ve always had good luck there
Danielle: define “good luck”?
Rachel: free drinks!!
Natalia: oh, haaha
Natalia: speaking of, where’s our patron queen of drinks, Andrea?
*Andrea has been added to the Group Chat “Holiday Ho-Ho-Hos”*
Andrea: ooh, hey everyone! We’re all going to be back in town? (except Danielle who lives there, of course, haha)
Natalia: we’re goin to get weird….everywhere except Pour House
Andrea: cuz of Stephen?
Rachel: cuz of Stephen
Danielle: ANYWAY, I only do classy these days, so how about…rooftop beach bar? Hello Betty???
Andrea: Hahahahhaa, clASSy….clASSic Dirty Dani!!
Rachel: Dirty Dani!!! what a throwback!
Danielle: FUck off
Danielle: no dives
Andrea: that means no nose-dives into skate-rat trash either, Danielle
Rachel: Danielle loves her skate rats
Natalia: I mean, Travis Barker types are all the rage rn…
Rachel: I mean, Danielle does think she’s Kourtney Kardashian, so it tracks
Andrea: @Rachel are you saying she’s the least interesting to look at?
Danielle: ugh, FUCK off
Danielle: that was my thing, like, 10 years ago
Danielle: just because I still live in SoCal still doesn’t mean I’m just stuck in a shitty rut singing karaoke at Larry’s Beach Club and fuckin shitty psych rock guys who bite their fingernails, think trucks were meant for grinding, and live in a cheap shithole apartment but never add money to their savings account cuz “life’s a beach!!”
Andrea: So…..how’s Larry’s Beach Club?
Natalia: They have good karaoke
Danielle: It’s a dive, though, for sure
Andrea: I’m down for a dive, honestly
Andrea: it’ll be nice to be in the laid-back beach vibes. NYC is crazy.
Rachel: omg, DC is nuts, too!! I feel you!!!!
Natalia: San Francisco has been pretty chill
Danielle: it gets wild here…
Andrea: YOU get wild there, hahaha
Rachel: so, what are we going to sing for karaoke??
Andrea: Sk8er Boi
Danielle: FUck you
*Danielle has left the Group Chat “Holiday Ho-Ho-Hos”*
Andrea: But seriously, didn’t she get a urinary tract infection like 12 times from different MGK lookalikes?
Natalia: I think that’s on her for not peeing???
Andrea: whatever. I’ll see you at Larry’s on Christmas Eve
Rachel: I really am gonna sing S8er Boi though cuz that song rocks
Images: Studio Firma /Stocksy.com
Well, well, well, look who it is. It’s me. And Vanessa Hudgens. Playing 3 different versions of Vanessa Hudgens. Yes, people, that’s right. I am back with the recap nobody (except literally my one friend) asked for. At this point, I consider my annual (or however often these movies come out) Princess Switch recap a rite of passage. I will warn you in advance, buckle up for this one. This movie was an aggressive hour and 45 minutes. And also, it’s been so long since Princess Switch 2 that I *may* have forgotten some of the details. We don’t know what we’re in for with this one, but it will be over-the-top and Vanessa’s accents will be bad. I will say, if they add a fourth Vanessa Hudgens to this movie, I swear. I can only suspend my disbelief so much, ya know?
We open with a quick recap (thank god) and a note that Fiona, after impersonating the Duchess and trying to throw the whole country of Montenaro into disarray, only got sentenced to community service, not prison. I’m sure that’s something that won’t come back to haunt the country, right? (Things we say about January 6th.)
This year, Stacey is co-chairing an International Christmas Festival with Margaret. I gotta say, there’s no way that would fly in 2021. A holiday festival, at least?? In any case, the Vatican has loaned them the “Star of Peace”, “a priceless relic that once belonged to St. Nicholas himself,” which is going on top of the big Christmas tree. Surely, there’s no way this star is valuable, and also no way Fiona would find herself at this festival and try to steal the star, right? RIGHT??
Kevin and Margaret are a happy couple once again, although noticeably absent? Kevin’s daughter. They FaceTime her, and is it just me or did this girl age 10 years between movies? I could have sworn she was like, in middle school.
What’s funny to me is that while Stacey and Margaret are planning the acts for the International Christmas Festival (we have to have a yodeler because they “don’t want to offend the Swiss ambassador”), Margaret remarks, “we don’t want to offend anyone.” Oh, is that why you’re having an INTERNATIONAL CHRISTMAS FESTIVAL in the year 2021? Good luck with that!
But the planning is interrupted when we learn there’s “a bit of a situation” involving the police.
That “situation”? You guessed it. The Star of Peace is gone — the guards were drugged and the Star stolen.
Margaret: Just please promise us you’ll get it back in time for the ceremony.
Chief of Police: I’m afraid that would be a pie crust promise — easily made, easily broken.
Oh, god. So this is the type of dialogue we’re working with. Who on EARTH has ever called something a “pie crust promise”? Also aren’t pie crusts kind of hard to make by hand? All I know is you have to smash a lot of graham crackers and mix it with a looot of butter, or literally make a dough from scratch. This isn’t Great British Bake-Off. Easily made for whomst??
Stacey’s boyf (I am really sorry, I forgot his name. Prince Phillip? That feels right) is like, “no pressure, but when the crown jewels of Belgravia were stolen, my father was nearly deposed. Don’t stress Margaret out! She’s already dealing with enough, thinking police are effective, even when they have clues or leads (of which they currently have none). The thieves apparently managed to smash a whole glass case and not leave ANY forensics, which seems…. literally impossible.
Stacey is like, “you know what this means, right? If the police have no leads, that means it’s up to us to come up with some.”
Stacey: What we need is someone with information the police don’t have
…Right. You should go right to Quantico with those amazing detective skills of yours.
So they’re going to enlist Fiona’s help them solve this crime. They’re going to bust her out of the convent at which she’s currently serving community service. Man, the Montenaro justice department is weird.
Lol this bitch is working in a convent with a full sequined hat on, red lipstick, and sky-high heels. Why would you want to mop floors in that? Just who, exactly, is she trying to impress??? Gotta stunt on those nuns, I guess.
Fiona arrives to the palace with her squad in what I can only describe as one of those headbands with antennae attached to it that you’d use for your 2nd grade Bug’s Life costume. What was the style direction on this girl? All sequined everything, and the more deranged the headpiece, the better.
I have to believe that Vanessa’s stylist is still trolling her for those early comments she made about covid. Ugh, Fiona’s still calling her cousins “cuzzy”. Here’s how this should be handled:
The next morning as Fiona updates the Good Guys on her progress, she’s in this like, brocade minidress. She’s really busting out the Fashion Pass first thing in the a.m. Honestly, respect. There’s a brief, bad joke where Prince Philip misunderstands what “the GOAT” means (he thinks they’re talking about a literal animal), that could have really been left behind in 2019. I’m starting to see why this movie is just shy of two hours. We’re 12 minutes in, and I’m on my second page of notes.
So Princess Fiona gets driven to this castle, where she meets some guy who’s like a cross between a mad scientist and Troy Bolton (because he has a basketball court inside his castle, obviously). His name, which I will forget imminently, is Peter Maxwell. He’s managed to dig up the Interpol case file and finds that the drug used to knock out the guards was purchased at some crack pharmacist’s in Geneva. Our wannabe Penelope Garcia over here manages to track down the pharmacy’s CCTV footage to locate an image of our suspect, who just so happens to work for a billionaire hotel tycoon. Why did a billionaire steal the Star of Christmas? Because he likes collecting shit.
I’m just spitballing here, but wouldn’t it not be in your best interest as a hotel tycoon to steal shit for a hobby? Cause, ya know, you wouldn’t be able to enjoy any of the perks of being a hotel tycoon from behind bars?
They can’t go to the police because “Hunter has friends everywhere”. The only thing they can do? You guessed it, obviously: steal it back by infiltrating his big party. What kind of Ocean’s Eleven knock-off is this? Everyone notices the chemistry between Peter and Fiona, because they are about as subtle as a whack on the head.
Stacey: That bad boy had a thing for you, huh?
Fiona: We had a bit of a steamy. But he’s not my type.
A. Bit. Of. A. Steamy???? Please somebody find me the screenwriter for this movie. I just want to talk.
Anyway, some important context about Peter: he was accused of diamond theft when working at Interpol, but those charges were dismissed. He’s doing this consulting work for free.
Peter: Let’s just say, I have my reasons
*30 second back-and-forth of Peter and Fiona looking at each other*
Good god, could these filmmakers be any LESS subtle?? Me and my intelligence are insulted.
Anyway, Fiona’s trying to set a honeytrap by running into Hunter while he’s walking his dog, dressed up like a bootleg Cruella DeVille. Unfortunately, the dog chases after a squirrel, pulling Fiona into a bush. Well, that didn’t work. Time for Plan B, which I guess is just showing up at some party he’s at.
I will say, this party looks lit. I will also say, the cronies sitting on couches reading newspapers and wearing Bluetooth earpieces DURING A PARTY is not at all subtle. I mean. THAT’s your cover? Being the guy reading at a party?
Hunter spots Fiona and she’s like, “what are you doing here?” Uh, aren’t you at his house? Hunter is smarter than he looks, because he’s like “ok, what’s the real reason you’re here?” Fiona makes up some lie—is it a lie?—about having spent almost all of her inheritance and wanting to turn the Pembroke estate into a hotel. She secures an invite for the party.
I also have to say that I have like an hour left of this movie and I’m already sick of Vanessa Hudgens’ approximation of a classy British accent. It sounds like how the Watch What Crappens guys do impressions of Karen Huger. Real ones know. I actually might put a candy cane through my eyeballs before this is over. It’s only funny when Ronnie and Ben do it.
Oh so now we’re flashing back to Fiona’s childhood, where her mom can’t be bothered to spend the holidays with her? I’m sorry, is this a villain origin story movie or the fucking Princess Switch?? I don’t want my impeccably dressed yet supremely annoying villain to have any depth, what do you think this is??
Also, idk, “I tried to take over a country because Mummy didn’t pay me enough attention as a kid” is not really the justification Fiona thinks it is.
So back to Baby Fiona, who is like, moping to Baby Peter about how her mom doesn’t love her because she didn’t want to spend Christmas together. Peter is like, “look outside, that’s the North Star. No matter what happens just look up there and I’ll be looking there too.” Does my memory deceive me or did they just rip this out of Love Actually or something? I also definitely got the will-they-won’t-they-they-definitely-will plotline without this extended walk down memory lane. See: the 30-second back-and-forth of them staring into each other’s eyes.
And now we have a scene where these idiots are practicing for their Ocean’s Eleven heist with some fake lasers that they have to limbo through. Fiona is like “watch and learn” and then just proceeds to do a sexy yoga flow through the lasers? Lmao, going to try that at my next heist. Who knew the secret was Downward Dog into Pigeon pose?
Peter is fully turned on, though. This man would not be able to handle a Y7 class.
That night, Peter and Fiona set off into a helicopter while Margaret watches from a window like, “Wow they really are just adorable, aren’t they” Margaret, need I remind you that this girl tried to kidnap you and STEAL your COUNTRY??? And you’re just happy for her that she’s finding love??
Fiona and Peter go to some Christmas market, where Fiona has this zinger that she definitely didn’t plan for hours: “Looks like Santa’s elves smoked a little too much mistletoe.” If someone said that to me IRL I would immediately cut them out of my life. Peter asks Fiona for a dance and her response is, “You’re just determined to smother us in holiday cheese, aren’t you?” Ma’am, the only abundance of cheese is spewing straight out of YOUR mouth. Good god, who wrote this dialogue?
In another montage that could have been left on the cutting room floor because I don’t have all day, Fiona and Peter dance in the middle of this Christmas market’s ice skating rink to a country song. And they’re about to kiss when she wipes out out of nowhere, and instead of being like, “ouch!” they both laugh hysterically, splayed out on the ice. Sure.
Meanwhile, I don’t like this foreshadowing I feel is happening with Kevin, where he kisses Margaret goodbye before he drives off, promising he’ll be back soon. He will be back soon, though? Right?? Nothing bad is going to happen to Zaddy Kevin, on Christmas no less, RIGHT???
Okay, now HERE is how the switch will happen: Reggie was supposed to be in Ocean’s Eleven but got hurt while trying to repel down a building. Classic Reggie. The only person skilled enough to replace him is (remember the yoga moves)? Fiona. Only problem? She’s supposed to be distracting Hunter at his party. So Margaret will pretend to be Fiona and take the role of distracting Hunter at the party.
Prince Philip (I still haven’t learned his name and at this point, I don’t think I will) is vehemently against the plan and Stacy and Margaret are for it. What ensues next is a bootleg Princess Diaries montage where Fiona tries to teach Margaret how to walk and act like her.
Fiona and Margaret practice tango-ing and Peter walks in and is like, “hold on, the frame is all wrong,” so he cuts in and starts dancing with Fiona. My dude, she is not the one who needs the frame reference. Margaret does. Stop seducing and start helping!
Well, Fiona and Peter get into a fight because, as Peter puts it: “Whenever you start to feel something for someone, you pull away.” Oh blah blah, poor little evil rich girl is too scared to form genuine connections because her mom bailed on Christmas. Play me a sad song on the world’s smallest violin. I’m sorry, if Fiona is the future of this Princess Switch franchise, I will simply not abide! Absent parents or not, are we supposed to care about someone who just so thoroughly sucks? I’m really not even talking about the greed and identity theft, it’s literally everything else about her (except her fashion sense, which is pretty dope).
Andddd we have a problem: Princess Fiona’s disciplinary review at the monastery (things that totally happen) is randomly pushed up to tonight. Fiona HAS to be there. But she also has to be with Hunter. And navigating the laser field. Good thing we have another spare Fiona!
Okay so looks like I was wrong and his name is Edward. Whoops! No, I will not be using find + replace to fix any of this.
In any case, our shitty Charlie’s Angels over here have managed to break into the control room and have located the Star of Peace. (I do realize I called it the Star of Christmas elsewhere… again, go with it.) I wonder why they don’t just turn off the lasers if they’re already in this room that has all these servers? Too much logic for this movie, I guess.
Once inside the library, we run into a snafu: the keypad that was supposed to be there isn’t there, and Hunter is about to come into the library! But he’s too busy berating some champagne girl dressed as a slutty Marie Antoinette to notice. What is the theme of this party?
They find the keypad, because otherwise the movie would end right here. Which it honestly could, this thing is an hour and 45 minutes. But anyway, over in the monastery, Stacy is not killing it as Fiona. Her accent is just… not good. Prince Edward decides to act as her character witness.
He’s like, “she did kidnap my wife but she has a really good heart” — spoken like every defense for a rich white defendant.
Back at the heist, what do you know, the code to the keypad is Fiona’s birthday.
Time for the laser minefield! The moment we’ve been training for, and the Christmas Star or whatever tf we’re calling it is smack dab in the middle of all the lasers.
Back at the party, Margaret is trying to hide her revulsion for Hunter with a duck face (it’s not not working) and as a diversion from having to go upstairs with him, she suggests they tango. While this happens, our two criminal lovebirds are doing a tango of their own between the lasers. And Fiona’s sentence in the monastery gets commuted. Mother Superior cannot hide her excitement. Tbh, I don’t blame her.
Real Fiona and Peter turn off the lasers and Fiona picks up the star. Just then, the alarm starts blaring. It’s all very:
After like five minutes of fucking around and eating, the security guys finally do their jobs and decide to address whatever is setting off the alarm. Hunter realizes something is amiss, and Margaret tries to distract him — with a kiss! Ooooh, you’d better hope Kev isn’t the jealous type.
In the mad dash to get out, the thieves go all “every Fiona for herself” and leave Margaret behind. No honor among thieves, amiright?
Oh, and Peter LITERALLY left his calling card at the scene of the crime. Which I guess he stayed to create a diversion? But if you’re physically there, why leave your business card? Was he using the heist as a branding opp?
They all make it back to the palace, but Fiona doesn’t have the star! Peter switched it out with a basketball at some point. Ok but how did you not notice him carrying a basketball through a heist? Was he just walking around with it under his shirt and you were like, “well, the guy does love Christmas cookies…”
Well it looks like Peter has something up his sleeve that Fiona refuses to tell the others about? She goes to meet him at her old school the next morning before fleeing to Capri with her cronies. She meets him upstairs, and how is the school chill with letting this grown-ass man just hang out there and set up a meeting? Peter’s like, “I just wanted to get your attention. I’ll give you the star, I just need you to pop over to the dining hall.”
He says, “she wants to talk to you,” so I’m guessing her mother is waiting there. And again, I wonder how the school is like, sure, go ahead use our boarding school for this forced family reunion. I guess they are rich, so that pretty much explains it.
Damn, Peter tells Fiona that this is the end of the line for them. Nah, this has to be the part in the rom-com where a simple misunderstanding almost causes the two main characters to break up forever.
Haha, I was right! It is her mom! Am I smart or is this movie extremely predictable? Don’t answer that.
Ok I am Team Fiona on this because the mom is like, “I’ve spent the last decade traveling the world but it wasn’t until I was on a retreat in an Ashram that I realized my life was empty.” This just might be the most realistic rich-people depiction we’ve gotten in this movie so far.
Oh and it’s all supposed to be ok that this lady abandoned her daughter because Fiona’s father was cruel to her? And because she kept a Christmas card Fiona drew for her as a kid, we’re supposed to forget all this abandonment? Okay, maybe that backstory did work on me, because now I’m soft. Or perhaps these filmmakers do know what they are doing? Much to think about.
Honestly, respect to Fiona for not letting her mom pull this “Oh it’s Christmas, I was a terrible mom but can’t you forgive me after I put in no work to show I’ve changed and just apologized one time?” The Ramona Singer of it all…
Oh what the hell?? Fiona walks outside but then immediately turns around and sobs into her mom’s arms. BOOOOO.
So Fiona and her mom are staying at the palace for Christmas. Fiona’s like, “is that all right?” And Margaret’s like, “All right? You’re family.” And again I say, are you part where she kidnapped you and tried to steal your royal title??? Over on r/AmITheAsshole people cut off family members for way less. I am just saying.
The Christmas Festival looks great. Hunter is arrested. Everybody’s happy, blah blah blah. And who should show up, but Peter? Of course. He and Fiona both apologize to each other. IDK why this has to take such a morbid turn: “we don’t know how much time we have left with the people we care about” seems to be the throughline. Like, is somebody gonna die?
Lol for the third time they get cock-blocked on the kiss, because as they start leaning in, the trumpets start sounding for an announcement from Margaret. I never get why people in movies can’t just kiss anyway. Like, people in New York City streets will kiss despite people screaming about the apocalypse, an ambulance driving through them, you name it.
The lights on the tree turn on, the star is a hit. Hooray! We did it!
Ok finally Fiona and Peter get to kiss. Good for them. And that’s the end. Overall, turning a Christmas movie into a bit of a heist movie was an interesting choice. Did I hate it? Jury’s still out. Will I watch another one of these? Only if Fiona isn’t set up to be the protagonist. See you next year, cuzzies!
Mark Mainz/NETFLIX © 2021 (4); Netflix; Giphy (4)
Are you tired of being alone during the holidays? Do you wish your life was like a made-for-TV movie? Full of love, laughter, and Christmas magic? Well, you’re in luck! Follow these foolproof options to live your life like a rom-com and you’ll be Decking the Hallmark as the klutzy main character in no time!
“Christmas Inn Love”
Step 1: Inherit an old inn from a long-lost relative and move to a small town with big Christmas traditions.
Step 2: Butt heads with a rugged, flannel-wearing stranger at the local diner.
Step 3: Begrudgingly accept help from said rugged stranger after learning that he is the only handyman in town. As the two of you work to restore your inn together, he’ll also “restore your heart.”
Step 1: Buy a small bakery in an ambiguous urban city.
Step 2: Have your sassy best friend/business partner enter you both into a local baking competition.
Step 3: Get off on the wrong foot with a fellow sexy and single baker in the competition. Reluctantly team up with the aforementioned sexy baker after each of your respective sassy best friends get food poisoning right before the semifinals.
Step 4: You’ll be “baking love” before your cake has a chance to cool!
“Return to Santa”
Step 1: Be a high-powered businesswoman who cares more about her career than Christmas. Your holiday tradition should include eating Chinese takeout while you work late at the office, crunching numbers, and avoiding phone calls from your sister who wants you to spend the holiday at home with her kids.
Step 2: Go into work on Thanksgiving Day even though your office is closed.
Step 3: Realize that the files you need are in the back filing room on the very top shelf. Discover that the step ladder is broken and make the terrible decision to climb the metal filing cabinet by pulling out drawers strategically and scaling the wall. When you reach the top shelf and find the file you need, lose your balance and fall 10 feet into the arms of the building’s sexy mail guy who happened to also come in on his day off and heard the commotion.
Step 4: Shaken up, you let the gallant mailman make you a cup of hot cocoa. You find out his name is Nick and you’re instantly attracted to him. As you sip on your perfectly made beverage, the two of you work together and clean up the messy filing room, laughing all the way.
Step 5: He invites you to get out of there and have a makeshift Thanksgiving dinner with him. Uncharacteristically, you agree. There’s something about his twinkling eyes and button nose that you just can’t resist.
Step 6: As you walk the streets of your nondescript metropolitan city together, you realize that you’ll never find a restaurant that’s open on Thanksgiving. So you grab a bag of chips and a bottle of cheap champagne from the only store that’s open and go back to his place, where he makes a feast out of leftovers and junk food. You laugh, drink eggnog, and share a romantic kiss by the fireplace before excusing yourself to use the bathroom.
Step 7: Get lost on the way to the bathroom and stumble across a room full of mail. Check the envelopes and realize that every single one of them is a letter addressed to Santa. Confront him about it and get him to confess that he’s not just “Nick the Cute Mail Guy” he’s actually Nicholas Clause Jr. aka the Son of Santa AND his official mail carrier.
Step 8: Tell him that he’s delusional and say that you’re leaving. As you try to storm out of his apartment, he throws himself into the crackling fireplace. You scream as you watch him disappear through the chimney. Moments later there’s a knock on the door. You open it and there he is, dashing as ever, completely unscathed by the fire. He asks if the two of you can talk…Numb, you open the door and he takes your hand and sits you down on his knee. He tells you of his life and about his magical childhood in the North Pole. How, when he got older, he needed to go out and explore the world, which is why he became his father’s official letter carrier. He says he’d always dreamt of living in your Unnamed Urban City (which is actually Vancouver) and working in a vague corporate environment which is why he decided to base his operation out of a magical mailroom in your company’s generic office building. He explains how he uses chimneys to transport himself around the world, collecting letters to Santa. He asks if you’d like to come with him. You do. Together you travel via chimney across the globe. Along the way you fall madly in love—not just with his spirit, but with the spirit of Christmas.
Step 9: Go to his parents’ house and be proposed to in a romantic mail-themed way on Christmas after Santa’s back from delivering presents. The elves will sing and you’ll live happily ever after with your sexy mailman husband and the world’s best in-laws.
Warning: If he proposes to you on any other day besides Christmas, you can forget about getting a wedding sequel. Remember, the Hallmark of a good relationship is one that revolves entirely around Christmas.
Step 1: Be born and raised in a small town in Middle America where everybody knows each other. It’s important that you’ve spent your entire life in this town, so if you’ve ever moved, I’m sorry but this advice isn’t for you. Why don’t you go back to “Baking Love” where you still might actually have a shot at love, spinster.
Step 2: After a lifetime of small-town Stars Hollow bliss, you decide to reopen your family’s old bookstore. Ideally, your name is something like Paige Turner, but I’m willing to be flexible if you name the bookstore something equally kitschy.
Step 3: Get roped into helping your best friend since childhood throw the town’s 100th anniversary Christmas Eve Ball.
P.S. If your town doesn’t have a tradition dating back at least 100 years? Good luck finding love.
Step 4: Discover your dead father’s secret manuscript hidden in a stack of old books at the back of your impossibly quaint store. Read it from front to back in one sitting and dramatically wipe away a single tear as you whisper, “It’s a masterpiece, Dad. A masterpiece.”
Step 5: Send it off to the top publishing house in New York or London and then receive a phone call that your dead dad’s book is a hit and that the fancy publishers want to rush to get it out by Christmas. They have a few notes, so they’ll be sending one of their very best agents down to you so you can make the final edits by their Christmas Eve deadline.
Step 6: Butt heads with the impossibly handsome big-city publisher, preferably named Read, with whom you have undeniable sexual chemistry.
Step 7: Deny that sexual chemistry. Fight him on every single edit he tries to make to your father’s book. Tell him that he doesn’t understand the book because he doesn’t understand the meaning of Christmas.
Step 8: Resolve to show that city slicker the true meaning of Christmas. Tell him that if he wants you to approve the changes to your dad’s book he has to help you with your volunteer duties for the town’s Christmas Ball. You’ll develop the feels as you deck the halls and soon you’ll share a steamy kiss followed by a brief commercial break.
P.S. If you don’t get him to understand the true meaning of Christmas by midnight on Christmas Eve, you will be cursed from here until eternity.
Step 9: Receive a troubling call from the publishing house that leads to a simple misunderstanding between you and your bookish beau. You’re left in the lurch when he leaves town with your book and your heart.
Step 10: Star in a melodramatic montage of you looking sad as you sell books to your attractive and happy customers while a jazzy Christmas song plays underneath. Your best friend will bring you hot cocoa and tell you to forget about the book and the boy, but you just can’t.
Step 11: Depressed but dressed, you show up at the Christmas Eve Ball to fulfill your volunteer duties. Stare longingly out the window at the town gazebo.
Step 12: Be swept off your feet when your publishing paramour appears at the coat check with the first edition of your father’s book and it’s everything you wanted it to be and more. The reviews are in and they say it’s the best story ever written about Christmas since the Bible. With the misunderstanding solved and your father’s legacy preserved, yule head straight for the mistletoe and live happily ever after.
Disclaimer: If your dead dad’s book isn’t about Christmas, you will die alone.
If none of these ideas worked for you, well sorry but you just don’t have main character energy. Don’t worry, though. You can always throw yourself down a flight of stairs in front of a men’s class at Equinox! I’m sure you’ll get invited to a Christmas or two!
Images: Jovana Rikalo / Stocksy.com; Giphy (4)
Just when you think he’s gone for good…’tis the season to once again be Pete Davidson. And with the holidays approaching, Pete is under more pressure than ever to create
meaningful memories photo ops with his significant other. Presently, that significant other just so happens to be the one and only Kim Kardashian. Apart from their staged kiss on SNL and a few paparazzi shots at Knott’s Scary Farm, we haven’t seen too much of the couple since their first night on Aladdin’s magic carpet. What we do know of their relationship has been only speculation from Pete & Kim frenemy-fans. Where do they go on dates? What do they do together? What do they say? Do they even say anything or do they just use emojis? God, do they even use emojis? Are they celebrating Thanksgiving together? Has he met her kids? Does he know she has kids? Do not fret! All of your questions are about to be answered in this very real story of exactly what the very real Pete Davidson and Kim Kardashian are up to this very real holiday season. So without further ado, may we present: The 12 Dates of Krismas.
1. On their first date of Krismas, in an act of sincere vulnerability, Pete Davidson takes Kim Kardashian on a romantic stroll around (you guessed it) Staten Island’s Freshkills Park. Kim can’t help but think that “Freshkills” would be a great name for a Skims x Yeezy collab. Wait. Should she answer one of her 300 voice notes from Ye? She looks over to the mysterious Pete, who is now chasing frogs in the swamp. She shakes her head, no. Pete is too good to let go: he’s so tall.
2. Pete still doesn’t feel like Kim truly “gets” who he is: 28, childless, and totally without life-preserving instincts. So, he treats her to the most humbling experience 2021 has to offer: a Lyft. Kim is surprised by how fun it is not to know what that smell is or who their driver is or if they’re vaccinated. Dates with Pete are always exhilarating! They’re dropped off at Coney Island and they spend a dreamy night getting lost in the fried food, roller coaster rides, and dizzying lights of it all. Pete can’t believe how funny Kim actually is and Kim can’t believe how tall Pete is. The night is straight out of a movie. “Requiem for a Dream,” suggests Pete. “No, Uptown Girls,” Kim disagrees. It’s their first fight.
3. The next day on his lunch break, Pete meets Kim at her Balenciaga fitting. Predictably, she’s wrapped head-to-toe in black. Pete mistakenly makes 10 too many Death Eater jokes so she sends him out to grab salads. He comes back with limp Sweetgreen. If that’s not bad enough, there’s bleu cheese on top. It takes everything in her not to cry. Why does she put up with this? Pete shuffles back to work, a complete and utter embarrassment of a human graffiti tower.
4. On the fourth date of Krismas, Pete spends his 12 hours of allotted SNL weekend meeting Kim in Los Angeles. On the plane, he Googles “Kim Kardashian’s favorite restaurants.” He feels a slight tingle of satisfaction not typing “West” at the end of her name. A popular Middle Eastern restaurant, Carousel’s, pops up and he books a reservation. Paparazzi hound them when they enter, but Pete remains unfazed. She compliments his ability to stay calm in the storm. It takes everything in him not to mention that the paparazzi was twice as severe when he was with Ari. After all, this isn’t his first Kate Beckinsale. Instead, he smiles widely as they bond over their love of bread baskets and ice water. Then, Kim reminds him not to smile so widely and he complies. It feels like love.
5. After several shared FaceTimes on the importance of branding, Pete realizes the only way to impress Kim is to double down on his own brand. So, he takes her back to Staten Island. Again. This time, they reenact the dance from My Best Friend’s Wedding on the Staten Island Ferry. Unfortunately, Pete’s plan backfires. Rather than him becoming the Dermot Mulroney to her Julia Roberts, Kim begins to consider that maybe they’re both just
friends famous. She wraps her arms around his waist, the highest part of him that she can reach, and cranes her neck to look up at him like he’s the ninth floor of Bergdorf’s. Instantly, her doubts dissipate. He really is so tall.
6. On the sixth date of Krismas, Pete taps into his romantic side and plans an intimate night on the town—just the two of them. Channeling his inner Mr. Big, he books a carriage ride in Central Park. Pete brings his favorite Staten Island sandwich for the ride and they cozy up under a Barefoot Dreams blanket he bought, mistaking it for Skims. Thankfully, Kim doesn’t take the insult personally. Instead, they bond over the tragic loss of both their fathers. Pete explains that his father, a firefighter, died an American hero. Kim explains that her father, too, died. Well, anyway, it feels like destiny.
7. Running out of ideas, Pete becomes a feminist and suggests Kim make the plans. Kim Googles “italian food for normal people.” She texts her second assistant to book them a private table at Pizza Hut. Alternatively, her assistant suggests they order it in. Cute! They spend the night nibbling on New York’s Pizza Hut and watching JoJo Siwa videos so Kim can have something to bond with North about. Kim graciously comments that the Cinnabon® Mini Rolls taste just like Italy. Pete returns the favor by asking Kim to tell North that he also loves JoJo Siwa. Later that night they get a DM from North—she now despises JoJo Siwa.
8. Feeling like there’s already some tension, Kim arranges a Meet-and-Greet with North. North’s schedule is far too busy for a full-on trip to the Big Apple but generously, North agrees to a half-hour Zoom with Pete if he’ll donate to her favorite nail technician’s charity. Pete spends the day arranging a backdrop fit for an eight-year-old. He hangs his Harry Potter posters in the back and clears all the smog out of his room. Kim comes over later that night. They enter the Zoom excited but North is ten minutes late. Regardless, when her face finally does pop up, Pete greets her with a happy “Hey, Nori!” North instantly exits the zoom.
9. On the ninth date of Krismas, Kim sleeps through her alarm and misses the date. Pete saves $12,000 that day. It’s a win-win.
10. Making up for lost time, Kim agrees to spend some time with Pete’s best friend. So, Kim and Pete go to his mom’s house on Staten Island. Pete smokes a few joints while Kim courageously proves that celebrities eat Cheetos too. It might just be the clouds of smoke, but Kim is starting to really picture a future with the comedian. If her mom can date a nobody, why not her? After all, she can probably convince him to quit that little skit show he does and move to LA full-time. Pete loves how smart, successful, kind, generous, thoughtful, and caring Kim is. Kim loves how tall Pete is. She leaves Staten Island more smitten than ever.
11. Everything’s coming up Pete! After 10 dates, it seems like Pete has everything it takes to become Kim’s
fourth assistant boyfriend. But it’s almost Krismas, and that means Pete is going to need a suit. Kim mistakenly accepts an invitation to join Pete at his local Big & Tall. Mortified, Kim calls in a favor. Riccardo Tisci agrees to courier some custom Burberry suits over. While Pete is in the dressing room, Kim sneaks the suits on the rack. Two minutes later, Pete just so happens to discover some great new suits and bonus: they’re tagless! “That means they’re free,” he jokes. The 15-year-old sales clerk nods in agreement, clutching her signed Lip Kit.
12. The 12th date of Krismas finally arrives. It’s the night of the annual Kardashian Christmas Eve Party, and Pete couldn’t be more excited to meet the family. Kris Jenner, of course, is first to greet them. She hugs Pete tightly and autographs a cocktail napkin, thinking he’s one of the Make-A-Wish guests. Kendall, being the tallest, is actually able to make eye contact and sees things in Pete’s eyes she’s certain Kim has never clocked. Kylie uses all her strength to lazily wave from across the room, keeping her distance. Khloé snidely remarks that Pete’s really not *that* tall. But then, Kourtney, in all her glory, innocently suggests that Pete kind of reminds her of Travis. And it is in that exact moment…amongst the Calabasas elite… that Kimberly Noel Kardashian West finally remembers who the hell she is. Instantly, a security guard escorts Pete off the premises and Kim exhales a deep sigh of relief.
Alexa, play “Thank U Next!” It’s Krismas Eve and Kim is back (only on Hulu).
Images: DFree, Asatur Yesayants /Shutterstock.com
Somehow Christmas music is already playing on the radio, so I guess it’s time to start buying gifts. I’ve had since last Christmas to think about what to buy people, but it’s still not enough time—especially for the people who aren’t easily satisfied with a Glossier Balm Dot Com Trio or an Aquis Rapid Dry Hair Wrap.
This is the quintessential gift guide for those people in your life. I promise you they won’t own any of this. No one has this sh*t. From an intravenous drip for plants to a Juliette Lewis mousepad, you won’t find these things on the Goop Gift Guide.
New Parent: Wearable Mop for a Baby
Did you know being a parent is hard? Let’s make the newborn do something while they’re doing nothing. My favorite thing about this item is that it comes in a range of sizes. Even if your baby is already 18-24 months, they can wear one of these. No need to encourage the baby to walk when crawling makes the floors cleaner. Takes the pressure off the parents and the baby.
Horticulturist: Life Support Plant Drop
This is really a gift to yourself because you no longer have to kill their plants while they’re out of town. Is this you? “Why are the leaves brown? It’s either too much water or too little water. Could it be not enough light? Well, no, because this is where they left the plant. They wouldn’t have left it in this corner if it’s not supposed to be in this corner. I don’t really get thirsty until the evening. Maybe I’m watering at the wrong time of day?” If any of that sounds like your own internal dialogue, it’s time to get your friend a more dependable way to keep their plants happy and healthy.
Celiac: Bread Plush Pillow
For those that have a real allergy to gluten and miss bread. This is not a gift for those who have given up gluten for non-medical reasons. People who have been able to give up gluten for non-medical reasons don’t really love bread, and they really never did.
WFHomer: Juliette Lewis Mousepad
This is for the friend who learned they never even had to be in an office in the first place. No more stinky leftovers being microwaved or coworkers knowing each other’s bathroom schedule—this friend of yours is set. All that’s missing is a Juliette Lewis mousepad to go with their three monitors and ergonomic chair. “It’s a good quality item.” (A quote from Cousin Eddie in Christmas Vacation, a film in which Juliette Lewis shines.)
Dog Parent: Urine Detector Light
When someone leaves their dog home alone, they don’t know what’s gone down while they’ve been away. Finally, a gadget to ruin their ignorance. An anonymous Amazon customer wrote, “try not to burn your house down when you see how much your pet has actually peed on your carpet…I suggest you have a few shots of whiskey so you don’t care as much about how much urine is in your carpet!”
AirPods Lover: Cordless Jump Rope
So, you’re telling me that while we don’t need a cord for headphones we also don’t need a rope for jump? These are the AirPods of exercise equipment. Your loved one will never trip on that silly rope again. Tangle-free living, baby!
Overachiever: Umbrella Hat
For that very busy person who doesn’t even have time to hold an umbrella, get them this. It goes well with AirPods and the Cordless Jump Rope. They can be listening to music and jumping rope while it is pouring down rain. That’s a W.
Traveler Who is Anti-Vaxx: Sky Mall Bigfoot
Remember the catalog Sky Mall? Me too. Well, your friend who refuses to get vaccinated might not be able to travel in the future, so why not get them one of the most memorable gifts from Sky Mall? Every time they look out their window, they can be reminded of the friendly skies they once frequented.
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Images: Studio Firma / Stocksy.com; Amazon (7); Target