Guys, who is working in Peloton’s marketing department? Because they just put out one of the most confusing and awful Christmas ads of all time. And I’m not just saying it’s bad because I ate pie for breakfast for the past four days and I’m feeling personally attacked right now. Even all the sane people on Twitter agree. They’ve been roasting it for days. Are you wondering what I’m talking about? Here’s the ad, in all its glory, so watch it and then we’ll chat.
Okay. So. Before we even get to the content of the ad, let me point out that Peloton has turned off the comments on the ad, most likely because they were getting majorly trolled. This commercial isn’t outright offensive like Kendall Jenner’s Pepsi fiasco (good memories!), but it’s never a good sign when you have to disable the comments.
So, let’s start from the beginning. Sir, maybe your beautiful and skinny wife wants a Peloton bike. Great! Exercise is important! Exercise as a Christmas gift from YOU, however, kind of implies you think she needs to exercise. Which means you think she needs to lose weight. Which is rude. Last year at my office white elephant party, one of the men chose a smart scale because he said his wife “really wanted one.” I have not seen him since. So, gentlemen, the moral of the story is that you should stick with jewelry for Christmas! And then maybe get the Peloton as a fun family gift in January.
Nothing says “maybe you should lose a few pounds” like gifting your already rail thin life partner a Peloton pic.twitter.com/E2M9gFdD5A
— Siraj Hashmi (@SirajAHashmi) December 2, 2019
Before her first ride, our heroine says that she’s “a little nervous.” Bitch, why? You’re a fit woman riding a stationary bike in the comfort of your own home. This isn’t a SoulCycle class where the instructor is going to yell at you if you need to take a 30-second break. You’re not like, riding a bike on the side of the highway. There is nothing to be nervous about, sweetie! Let’s also talk about how she asks if he’s surprised she’s worked out five days in a row, because she sure is! Like, what? Woman, have you looked at yourself? Of course you worked out five days in a row! I’m sure you worked out five days in a row before you got this bike. If you didn’t, you most certainly sold your soul to the devil, and I’d like a map to where I can find him please. (Seriously, DM me).
Our Peloton rider also mentions that she didn’t realize how much she would be changed by this. Changed how? There is no further explanation. She looks exactly the same. Well, she actually looks slightly sadder because she has spent an entire year biking and biking and biking and she has traveled nowhere but her living room. Can you imagine anything more depressing? Also, she has been recording herself on the bike all year, and I can’t figure out why. Is it like the rule that you aren’t allowed to run a marathon if you don’t constantly post about running that marathon? Oh, that’s not a rule? Can one of you alert my Facebook friends from high school, please? At the end of the commercial, she makes her husband sit down and watch a year’s worth of those videos. Ohhhh, so this was a punishment. Seems fair.
The face you make when your day requires videoing your workout, keeping floor to ceiling windows spotless, and hoping your kid doesn’t spill anything on the white furniture #peloton pic.twitter.com/4xe2YvcMUF
— Katie Kohler (@kkohler1129) December 3, 2019
So what is this ad supposed to accomplish? Is it supposed to make me want a Peloton? Because I think it fails to do that. Having someone shout out my name and location to strangers is my actual nightmare. However, the commercial does make me want a new phone, because I threw mine into a wall after watching this. So maybe it’s secretly an Apple ad? If they wanted to get people talking, they certainly accomplished that. There are so many thoughts about this on Twitter, but I think I found the one that really captures the truth of the matter:
When is Peloton going to make an honest commercial and demonstrate how much laundry it can hold?
— Todd0x1 (@todd0x1) December 2, 2019
Or as my former roommate and I like to call it, a chairdrobe. Patent pending.
Did this commercial make you more likely to buy a Peloton? Or maybe just more likely to roll your eyes so hard that they get stuck? Well, welcome to Christmas ad season, folks! December has just begun, and this is surely the first of many holiday commercials that will be getting roasted along with the chestnuts.
Images: Shutterstock; Peloton / YouTube; Fake_KDKA, sirajahashmi, samuelmoen, kkohler1129, todd0x1/ Twitter
The internet has given us many gifts. From memes to comment sections on articles, it is a trash heap treasure trove where virtual strangers can exchange ideas and express their creativity freely. One amusing manifestation of this is the ever-changing landscape of sex terms. Admittedly, it can be hard to stay updated on the lingo, so I’ve compiled a list of sex terms I’ve come across online that I had to look up. It’s tough admitting that I don’t, in fact, know everything, but admission is the first step toward recovery. My name is Betchina George and I’m a vanilla.
A skoliosexual is defined as someone who is “primarily sexually, romantically, and/or aesthetically attracted to genderqueer, transgender, and/or non-binary people.” It’s important to clarify that someone identifying as a skoliosexual is not necessarily attracted to the same set or subset of people as another skoliosexual. And some people exhibiting skoliosexual tendencies may not prefer to be labeled as such.
Not your New England uncle’s favorite pastime (or maybe it is, I don’t know your uncle), shrimping is described by our friends at Urban Dictionary as the sexual act of sucking on another person’s toes. In other words, a typical Tuesday night for Jax Taylor. And with that, my biennial voyage to Red Lobster for Endless Shrimp™ will never be the same again.
Cucking (short for cuckholding), is an offshoot of swinging most commonly thought of as a kink whereby one partner gets off on watching the other engage in sexual acts with another person. However, this is just one iteration of cucking. In some cases, the cuck (the partner not engaging in sex or other acts with a third party) may not actually be in the room when things go down. Instead, the cuck may prefer that their partner describe to them later in detail what happened with the other party, which the cuck finds arousing.
Apparently not a sweet nickname for Harry and Meghan’s new digs. Despite the sophisticated sounding name, the meaning is far more juvenile in that it is something I was more likely to do in college middle or high school than now: dry humping. Do adult humans who are old enough to drink in the United States and not on their periods actually choose to do this? I’m genuinely curious. No judgment though, whatever rubs you the right way. Sorry, I had to.
OK, so this isn’t technically a sex term per se, but it’s used frequently enough that I thought it merited inclusion on this list. An incel (short for “involuntary celibate”) is defined via Urban Dictionary as “a person (usually male) who has a horrible personality and treats women like sexual objects and thinks his lack of a sex life comes from being ‘ugly’ when its really just his blatant sexism and terrible attitude.” In other words, the entitled jerk on your apps who calls you an “ugly bitch” right after you ignore and/or reject his gross attempt at an opening line. Hard pass.
To put it simply, queening (which can also be known as kinging) is the act of sitting on someone’s face to facilitate oral (or in some cases anal) sex. Because, let’s face it, we’re all busy people and sometimes it’s best to just get right to the point. Do, however, make sure that your partner is on board with such literal in-your-face behavior. Consent, like cash, is king queen.
Hopefully, you have come away from this article learning something new (and feel free to add “queening” and “frottage” to your dating app bio). If not, and you already knew all of these, 1. bragging isn’t cute and 2. please bless us with your knowledge of other sex terms in the comments.
Images: Hop Design / Unsplash; Giphy (5)
It’s that time of year again, when work slows down and it’s dark for both your morning and afternoon commutes. A grim time, to be sure. But for most people, there’s one faintly glimmering ray of light: The office holiday party. Get dressed up in obnoxiously festive gear, enjoy some free booze and canapés, and you can almost, almost see your way clear to spring. Enjoy too much free booze, though, and you wind up with office holiday party disasters like these people. Someone posted a thread on AskReddit calling for everyone’s holiday party “shit show” stories, and friends, they do not disappoint. On the one hand these make me proud that I’ve reached a certain level of functioning adulthood, but on the other I wonder if I’m living life with the right amount of zeal.
The Panty Dropper
Swimming With Sharks
The Good Wife
Doin’ It Well
Booze Isn’t Always The Problem
The Hospitable Receptionist
The Last Hurrah
That’s enough for now. If you have any good office holiday party disasters, we always want to hear about them. Until then, stay safe this holiday season and don’t, uh, do literally any of the things you just read about!
We left off Jersey Shore Family Vacation last week with Jen attacking Ronnie like some kind of rabid peacock. Everyone else ran away out of fear for their lives and also, they wanted pasta. The fight was actually scheduled on camera by some sadistic producer that is def searching for a raise. Can’t wait to see how this one turned out. Maybe Ron and Jen will surprise us all by acting mature for the sake of their baby. Maybe they’ll apologize and work out a custody schedule like adults.
Jen: YOU CALLIN’ ME A F*CKING WHORE, I DON’T GIVE A F*CK, I’LL GO TO JAIL!
You know, or not. Oh, and she spat in his face.
The rest of the conversation is her swatting at Ron while spouting some version of “IMMA F*CKING WHORE, IMMA F*CKING BITCH”. Then the producers escort her out. So glad we did this, guys.
Everyone at dinner: Cheers to Ron’s f*cking lawyer!
Pauly: This is not funny.
I mean… yeah, abusive relationships are not funny. When did we think it could have been funny? Pretty sure this was clearly not funny from the beginning. They start drinking and laughing and generally just annoying me.
Vinny: Something’s in this wine because all of a sudden everyone is whacked out of their minds.
It’s alcohol, dumbass. Alcohol. Pauly is like “I’ve only had a couple glasses… right now.” They have been drinking all damn day. Oh good, then they make fun of the waitress’s accent. Cool, guys, that’s called bullying and it’s 2018; you should know better. Somehow this leads Snooki to a very important discussion on what the word “sphincter” means. And now we have a lesson on how to express a dog’s anal glands. I’m so glad Snooks didn’t finish vet school; I wouldn’t even trust her with a plant. Oh wait, she has kids. Wow, that is scary.
We then go back to Ronnie crying on the couch by himself. By “by himself”, I, of course, mean surrounded by no less than 20 sound and camera guys watching him cry. Reality TV is sooooo awkward. I wonder how many minutes of my life I’ve wasted watching Ronnie cry. Then the screen cuts to subtitles.
Subtitles: After Jen stormed out, police arrived to investigate what happened. MTV was not permitted to film the investigation.
Whaaaaaaaaaaat. Who called the police because Jen screamed about being a whore and swatted at him a little bit? I’m gonna say that same producer. Where is this woman’s Emmy? (Do producers get Emmys?)
More subtitles: After Ron and Jen’s fight last night, police arrived to investigate a call for domestic disturbance. MTV was not permitted to film the investigation.
Yeah, you guys already said that part. Oh, there’s more.
Still more subtitles: Jen left the hotel and has been unreachable since. Ron is worried about the whereabouts of his daughter.
Wtf is with all the subtitles, this is like Intervention. Also, didn’t we already see this storyline?
Okay, so Ronnie is explaining to Jenni that he didn’t want to press charges but in domestic violence cases the state takes over and now Jen has a warrant for her arrest. So now if Jen tries to go to Oklahoma with his daughter, it’s kidnapping. Not sure this is true. Holyyy sh*t. When did this turn into an episode of Law & Order: SVU?
Ron: Now my biggest fear is that she’ll get pulled over in Oklahoma and she gets arrested by 30 cops. I don’t want to deal with that.
Jenni: This is the last time we leave Ronnie home alone. Ever.
Seriously, that’s a good call, this man needs a full-time babysitter. Jenni then suggests getting the police to do a wellness check on Ron, so he can take his child. Could you imagine explaining this to the cops?
Ronnie (probably): Uh yeah hi, so like, I want to take my baby out of her home to come live with me for a few months with my friends on a reality TV show where I’m hammered every night and trying to f*ck strippers. That’s cool, right?
The one thing this situation does not need is babies, but okay. The entire gang prepares to kidnap the baby while Jen gets arrested. What is this? The Departed? (To be fair, I’ve never actually seen that movie so this probably is the wrong reference.)
Pauly: Don’t tell them you’re with me, I have two parking tickets.
Pauly. There’s a time and place.
Ronnie gets a call from the police. The baby is fine, Jen is fine, and there is not a warrant for her arrest, so this was pointless. As suspected, Ronnie knows nothing about how laws work.
Ronnie: I didn’t want her to get arrested but now I’m pissed she’s not arrested and I want to see my daughter.
Did he not see her like two days ago? He keeps saying Jen’s keeping his daughter from him but he decided to go on a TV show where all he does is f*ck around and get wasted. Obviously the baby would not be present for that.
Oh look, Ronnie’s crying again. Remember when this show used to be fun?
Ronnie: Jen is like a spiral that like sucks things in it.
Like… a tornado? What is a spiral?
Ronnie: It wouldn’t be the Shore house without chaos and fun.
First of all, there is no “shore” because you’re in Vegas. I’m pretty sure all they have is a sad little lake. Secondly, chaos and fun are not the same as domestic abuse and child custody battles. This is not fun, you psycho.
They finally go have actual fun and at the Voodoo lounge for dinner. To get there, you take a glass elevator like 50 stories up, prompting Snooks and J Woww to crawl on the floor and cry. K. There is an insane zip-line from this building to another. File that under things I would not even do for a million dollars. Okay, maybe for a million dollars.
Vinny fat-shames Mike at dinner because he’s sick of Mike ordering only fattening shit. Vinny, it’s not Mike’s fault you’re hungry. Just eat carbs again.
Pauly and Ron decide to do the zip-line. Then, so do Snooki and Mike. I would definitely not do this. Wait, that was the whole night? WTF, when are they going to be crazy again? And I mean crazy as in drunk and sleeping with people—you know, what I expect from Jersey Shore. Not domestic violence crazy.
Oh noooooooo, now Angelina is packing to go to Vegas. Dirty Hamster herself is screaming about how Jenni is jealous of her and Vinny can go f*ck himself. Why go then? No one wants you there.
Pauly D is leaving to go DJ somewhere for a day. Vinny is so sad that he makes a Pauly D voodoo doll. He put a Pauly sticker on Pauly’s hair gel. The real question is why did Pauly leave his hair gel behind? How will get it to look like a Reese’s cup without it?
My Fav Candy !!!! pic.twitter.com/ZxtpBk16vD
— DJ Pauly D (@DJPaulyD) August 27, 2018
Jenni and Snooks decide to go to The Paris for brunch.
Snooks: I learned French from the Mary-Kate and Ashley movie.
Okay, Passport To Paris was the best. Except those movies gave me unrealistic expectations that I would get a vacation boyfriend everywhere I went, even when I was like 12.
Jenni to Mike: We’re going to Paris but you can’t come because you can’t leave the country.
Mike: I know, I can’t even go to Canada. They don’t let my kind in.
Yet another reason to move to Canada.
Snooki is cursing in the bathroom and at first, I was like, I don’t want to know, but turns out she’s on the floor looking at her phone. So they’re allowed to have phones, they just have to hide them? That is super weird. Snooki gets a text that Angelina is on her way and she’s like “oh f*ck, poor me, Jesus give me strength.” Like uhhh… you invited her and brought the Staten Island Dump back into our lives. This is your fault.
Snooki: We’re down a meatball and this is like a meatloaf. Like if you have nothing in the fridge but you have a meatloaf in case you might want it. That’s Angelina.
Snooki is trying to find a way to tell everyone what she’s done. Meanwhile, Jenni is arranging a wedding for Vinny to marry Voodoo Doll Pauly.
Snooki: I was trying to be nice but I should just always be a b*tch.
We all learn that lesson the hard way.
Snooki: ANGELINA IS ON HER WAY.
Mike then begins rubbing his penis against Jenni’s leg. Why. Then the boys update us that Angelina called J-Woww a Jersey Whore, blah blah blah. The girls used to love being Jersey whores. I’m disappointed in all of you.
The good old days:
They all decide to prank Pauly by putting Angelina in his bed so he gets home and she’s just there. Vinny is pissed that all his pranks on Pauly end up pranking himself because now he has to share a room with Angelina. However, he did sleep with her, so he can’t complain.
OH MY GOD, Angelina and Becca from The Bachelorette have identical cross tattoos on their hands. That is sooo funny.
Voodoo Doll Pauly has his own chair at brunch. Vinny apparently wants to get a girl for him too. Sorry Vin, I don’t think anyone wants to f*ck a hair gel bottle on TV. Well, IDK, I still can’t believe anyone would f*ck Ronnie, so maybe there’s hope.
Jenni’s contribution to the conversation: My son keeps asking me what his penis is.
Now they’re talking about masturbating. Oh good, Mike used to attempt to f*ck his bath mat. What is this, Big Mouth? These are things I don’t need to picture.
(Sidenote: if you haven’t seen this show yet, it is very disturbing.)
Vin: Mike’s giving a whole new meaning to the term “rug burn”.
Mike: The rug was my best friend that year.
Thanks for that.
Angelina gets to the hotel while everyone is at brunch and immediately f*cks sh*t up. She goes to the front desk and asks for a reservation under Snooki’s name. Then she says, oh maybe it’s “The Situation”? “Pauly D”? Like, Angelina, obviously the room was booked by MTV. You are standing next to probably 15 of their cameramen. ASK THEM. She never told anyone else what time she was going to be there, and starts rage-texting Snooki that she’s standing there “like a moron”. Whose fault is that?
They all pray before they meet up with Angelina. Why was she invited? She is sooooo dirty and boring.
Snooki to Ang: Are you going to be nice to my friends?
Angelina: We have things to sort out.
Jenni: Well you’re not part of the family.
Off to a great start, guys.
Ang: Is it gonna be “stay and get your ass beat” again?
God, I hope so.
Vinny: This is your room .
Angelina hits Vinny and he starts screaming that he has now been assaulted and needs a lawyer.
Vinny: I’m allergic to hamsters!
Vinny, Angelina, and Mike all start arguing and I’m not really listening. Something like, Vin wants an apology for the slap. Ang says to apologize for trying to shove her in the shower. Vin says he was helping her out. Mike gets in the middle and Vin says to him, “shut up, you f*cking pink and yellow Starburst.” Hitting him where it hurts.
Angelina demands that Jenni makes her a drink. So Jenni calls her a b*tch. I’m sure this will end well. Until next week!
Images: MTV; Giphy (4); DJPaulyD / Twitter
Hello, friends! It’s time for another week of watching people who are bad at relationships rely on a giant red button to help them out. Let’s see how well that works out for everyone on tonight’s episode!
As we open, the cast returns to the house to get ready for their “overnight relationship rehab,” which is coincidentally also what I call it when I binge eat raw cookie dough at 1am after a rough breakup.
The cast convenes in the living room and they are disgusted with themselves. Disgusted! No, not because Grandma had to witness her favorite grandchild talk about “topping off” another cast member, but because they only got two beams last week (not including the perfect match).
Nutsa says that they all need to get to know each other better and no one has gotten to know her “deep enough.” WOW boys if that’s not an indictment of your skills in the bedroom I don’t know what is. Time to step it up. Bria, ever the peacemaker, tells everyone to stop fighting because they need to work together as a team.
Daniel now officially declares this “saucy-*ss season seven!” and reveals his pits stains in an unconventional mating ritual that will cause Sam to lose control of her mental faculties and jump his bones.
Cut to Maria and Shamoy in the Holiday Inn down the street
Back in the main house, the morning sun has shined its beautiful face on all our willing victims, and it’s time for them to go on their couples retreat. Moe has faith that Terrence knows what he’s doing. Oh, honey! You think Terry plans this?
Terry shows the cast where they are having their overnight relationship rehab, and if they thought this was the kind of rehab where you run into Ben Affleck doing guided meditation and you’re weaned off your alcoholism with mimosas, they were sorely mistaken. This “rehab” is some tents haphazardly set up in the woods, ready to conceal some dark, dark acts.
Terry then tells the cast that they all need to learn from their past mistakes, so he sent their past mistakes to Hawaii to torment them. Naturally those “mistakes” are the shining examples of human beings they used to date.
Is it just me or do some of these girls seem way too excited at the prospect of seeing their exes?
Terry: And here are the dudes that ruined your lives!
Terry says not all the exes could make it, because unfortunately only some of them could get the permission required from their parole officers (I assume).
Zak is worried his “unloyal” ex will show up. Is that who you learned to be DISloyal from, sweetie?
Sam is convinced her ex is not coming because it’s a Monday and he works 9-5, lol. Such good logic, except I work a 9-5 job too, Sammy, and that doesn’t stop me from calling out if I only get 9 hours of sleep instead of 10. A girl needs her beauty rest! I’m sure he could find an excuse to miss work.
This whole situation is honestly a little confusing to me. If y’all didn’t want to see your exes again why didn’t you just burn down their houses not give their name to the producers?
The cast starts to get their drink on in the rain before the exes show up. It’s important to be as sh*tfaced as possible, so as not to remember this ever happened. It’s the only way to do it. Of course the first ex to show up is Zak’s because we really need more girls on this show to stroke his huge ego.
While the girls go to greet Zak’s ex, Lewis starts running around looking for Bria because he didn’t come to this yoga retreat to not see some bloodshed, and goddamnit, neither did I. Lewis, you are a national treasure.
Zak’s ex looks legit just like Sam. Is she wearing her skin as a suit? They sit down. The conversation goes like this.
Zak: How are you?
When Bria hears that Zak’s ex has made her way into their woods party, she runs outside so fast it’s like someone just yelled that there’s half-priced Jell-O shots. She immediately starts mocking ex Emily’s appearance, which is something you should only do with your friends in a group chat while sending screenshots back and forth, Bria. HAVE SOME CLASS.
Bria starts asking about how Zak acted as a boyfriend, and then offers to make Emily a margarita. I’m suspicious. Did anyone check her pockets for cyanide?
By the bar, Samantha and Daniel are flirting over shots of anti-freeze when her ex Tyler strolls right up, still wearing the lei they gave him at the airport. He seems like the type to say a hottie “lei-ed” him, not mentioning she was paid to do it by United Airlines.
Samantha is so surprised and asks how he got off work. I’m not sure she understands how the professional world works. Work is not actually prison, Samantha. That’s just something I dramatically say at 9:15 on Monday morning. It’s called hyperbole sweetie, look it up. They do actually let you take a vacation if you ask in writing 6-8 weeks in advance and your boss isn’t a vindictive psycho.
Daniel wants to talk to Tyler and says “can I just steal you for a sec?” Tyler is immediately a huge douche and now I’m wondering how he got this 9-5 job. Family connections? Because he has what my HR department would call “an unacceptably bad attitude that requires correction.” Not that I would know!!! Tyler basically taunts and threatens Daniel and I’m wondering why he thinks this is a good idea? Daniel has about 30 pounds (??? sorry if this is totally off I’m bad at guessing weights, I could never work at a carnival) on him and isn’t afraid to get a little aggressive.
In the yoga room, a bunch of people are laying around and drinking on mats that say “stop and give me zen.” That’s super cute and I’d totally be in for those at like, a low-key bachelorette party, but they seem a little out of place at a retreat that encourages people to imbibe to the point of vomiting.
Kenya’s ex Daryl strolls in and he also looks like he skinned Tevin and is wearing him like a suit. WHAT is with these doppelgängers? And, like, if lookalikes are this easy to find, where’s Jason Momoa’s double for me? Hmm?
Kenya and budget Tevin Daryl go talk privately in a tent. Daryl says he’s gonna love Kenya forever and she DOES NOT SEEM over it. Kenya, you realize you just signed up to date other dudes, right?
Next, Kayla’s ex walks in. She says he left her in a really dark place so I can’t wait to see a mental breakdown here tonight, folks. They head over to the bar and he says she’s “a really sweet girl but once you get to know her better…” Oh, so he’s one of those.
Samantha and her ex Tyler are having a serious talk.
Tyler: Have you hooked up with anyone here
Samantha: I’ve made out with one guy
What is with these exes? They all seem genuinely surprised/pissed that people they BROKE UP WITH have made out with other people on A DATING SHOW. Like, duh.
Tyler and Samantha are rehashing old wounds and she tells him that he’s toxic and her own personal brand of heroin. Does heroin have brand names? If so, I doubt that a brand would be named Tyler. Like maybe Dwayne or something? Right? Heroin fans, pls advise.
Kayla is telling us that her ex was verbally and emotionally abusive. Well what the f*ck, MTV? Why are you paying for this a-hole to go to Hawaii? Abusers don’t deserve vacations! I’m only verbally abusive to myself, can I get a free ride to the Aloha State?
Kenya is sitting on her ex Daryl’s lap talking, and he takes all the blame for ruining their relationship. That’s nice Daryl, but are you only saying that because her ass is rubbing against your d*ck right now or nah?
The exes continue to stroll right into this Blair Witch nightmare the producers have set up, and next to emerge from the woods is Morgan’s ex, Leon. I breathe a sigh of relief when I see him, because I just don’t think we’ve had enough man buns this season.
Over by the bar, Kayla’s ex Ikaika (not the Swedish home goods store) is sh*t talking her to all the dudes. He’s basically calling her an ugly slut and he throws his drink on Cam. That button-down was freshly pressed, you moron! He runs after Cam to fight, and clearly someone smuggled steroids up their butt into Hawaii, huh Ike? Thankfully, Tomas comes out of nowhere with the tackle. Poor Kayla is sobbing and I’m ashamed that Terry had this douche sent to Hawaii. Ryan Devlin would never have done this to a woman.
Zak’s cathartic sobbing with his ex has inspired him to give it a chance with Morgan. He leads her over to his favorite hammock and says he wants to give it a try. Bria sees them and is instantly possessed by the devil. She warns that she’s coming for Morgan and I hope someone hides all the knives.
Kenya and Daryl are all over each other. Tevin is so upset, even his camo bucket hat is feeling deflated. Jasmine, on the other hand, is elated. She literally starts stretching her vagina in hopeful preparation for its meeting with Tevin later. More power to her, those moves look hard. I can’t even get my leg up on the bar at barre class without assistance.
Someone handed out neon paint to these drunk fools and they are literally throwing it all over each other. It looks cool right now, but that’s gonna be a b*tch to get out of the pubic hair, am I right Tevin?
Speaking of, Tevin says that Jasmine has been right about Kenya all along
They start getting hot and heavy in the shower, and we are left on a cliffhanger! Will Tevin and Jasmine finally consummate the relationship? Will all those steroids give Ikaika a stroke? Will someone get paint in a bad place? Stay tuned to find out next week!
Images: Giphy (5)
Yikes. Not sure about everyone else out there, but I’d say a fair majority of the population is nursing a hangover today. This is what happens when you put a holiday dedicated to alcohol and blowing things up in the middle of the week. How could we have avoided these splitting headaches which are being nursed with copious amounts of water and pizza today? We could have eaten the right shit while drinking yesterday. Luckily, I researched (a day too late) what to eat before day drinking to help you immensely the next day in terms of not feeling like shit.
Next time a daytime bender is on the radar (I see you,
Saturday Labor Day), here’s what to eat before day drinking so you don’t die.
Yep, according to Spoon University, Asian pear juice has been shown to reduce the shittiness you experience after drinking by about 20 percent. Eating a shitload of pears before day drinking helps your body get rid of the alcohol more quickly later, so you won’t be captain of the struggle bus. Also, Rick Ross credits eating pears to his massive weight loss, so I mean, if it’s good enough for the bawss it’s good enough for me.
2. Green Juice
Since you’re already planning on having nothing but a smoothie for breakfast before your day drinking adventure, make it a green juice instead. Eating things like broccoli and kale before drinking will give your liver an extra boost, and mixing those into a green juice can help boost your electrolytes, which will be depleted after your take four to ten shots.
God, is there anything avocado CAN’T do? Since these trendy bitches are full of healthy fats and B vitamins, they can help stave off the spins tomorrow morning. Add some to a smoothie, eat some guacamole, or just embrace your basic bitch and nom on some avocado toast.
Yay! Cucumbers are literally on all of our lists for healthy this or that, but they’re especially helpful for those of us who are not all about that hangover life. Since they’re about 95 percent water, cucumbers will keep you super hydrated AND help flush out toxins hanging out in your bod. According to Men’s Journal, “cucumbers also contain small amounts of sugar, B vitamins, and electrolytes, which could help prevent or lessen the intensity of your headache the next day.”
Like our good friend the avocado, salmon has a shitton of healthy fats and vitamins that can prevent you from, like, dying after drinking all day. Nutritionist Marina Chaparro, MPH, RDN, CDE, LD (fuck, that’s a lot of letters), says that the B vitamins in salmon help replenish or keep up the ones you’ll lose when chugging beer through a funnel (I paraphrase that last part a bit). Eating salmon can also promote short term memory and general brain function, so maybe you’ll have a better chance at remembering who you texted.
Sounds weird, but it’s totally true. Eating a handful of pickles before drinking will save you some pain later. Why? According to USA Today, drinking causes us to fuck up our water balance (duh), but pickles are rich in electrolytes and help maintain that water balance. In other words, it’s like a vinegary Gatorade that’ll prevent that head-exploding feeling the next day.
Thanks to the fiber and protein in this ancient grain, eating quinoa before drinking can slow down alcohol’s effect on your body. In other words, because fiber fills you up, you’re less likely to become a lightweight and get drunk in record time if you eat some black, red, or white quinoa before that game of pong.
Obv, if you’re day drinking, you need a hearty, healthy breakfast. While you’re chugging your green juice and nomming your avocado toast, fry up some eggs, too. They’re a bitchin’ source of protein and are rich in cysteine, an essential amino acid that’ll give your liver a much-needed boost.
Bottom line, make sure you’re eating SOMETHING before you day drink, even if it isn’t on this list. And, it goes without saying, but chugging a few bottles of water before playing Stump or Pong or Power Hour is going to help a lot, too.
Images: Tom Masat, Unsplash; Giphy (4)
Women are great multi-taskers, so you might be able to have a full conversation with yourself in your head while getting it in but, alas, dudes are not that way. Unsurprisingly, they need total focus to keep it up. Who knew? Last week I was fully click-baited into reading the dumbest online article ever about things not to say during sex. The list included the shocking advice to not call the person by the wrong name, don’t ask “What?” too much, or moan at inappropriate times. Like, no shit. I went to a public middle school, I have some basic understanding of what is and isn’t acceptable in the sheets.
Here’s my legitimate list of things you can probably say vertically but should probs not say while horizontal. Read and learn, betches.
1. Existential Life Questions
Sometimes sex is super boring, I mean, not if you’re doing it right, but sometimes you start with the best intentions and then realize you’d rather be doing something else. In this case your mind starts to wander to the deeper questions in life. Why do we park on a driveway and drive on a parkway? Should I quit my job and go to law school? Is it possible to use too many emojis? Even though you’re totally allowed to think whatever you want during sex, don’t ask these out loud. Bookmark that thought, and ask later…way later.
2. Political Comments
I may or may not have, but definitely did, ask a guy if he thought Joe Biden was more of a cat or a dog person as things started to heat up between us. Needless to say, the moment fizzled, like, immediately after that comment (he said cats, by the way). Learn from me, betches! Don’t bring up controversial topics such as politics immediately before, during, or after getting it on, no matter how concerned you are about access to affordable contraception as of late. Politics is probably a boner killer, no matter what side of the aisle you fall on. Unless he’s like really into that, then props to you for probably being the mistress of a senator.
3. Negative Body Thoughts
Yeah, we all hate shit about our bodies. Even the people who are, like, super body positive totally have some self-loathing going on, because you don’t try that hard to love yourself if you actually love yourself. Anyway, now is not the time to bring up what you don’t like about your thighs or how you forgot to shave 15 minutes before this interaction. Though being skinny and having a full maintenance routine is Betch 101, 99% of dudes give zero shits about those things when they’re trying to mount you. They’re most likely thinking, “Hey, boobs!” and….. that’s it. Don’t point out the things you don’t want them to notice and they won’t notice them.
4. Anything Related to ‘Fifty Shades’
Most females and a surprising number of dudes I know have either read or watched (or both) Fifty Shades of Grey. It’s sexy, it’s raunchy, it’s taboo, we get it. No dude wants to be compared to a billionaire perv while in the middle of trying to impress you. He knows he’s probably not going to compare to that so don’t force him to think about it. If you want to kink up your sex life, go for it—just get more creative than a play-by-play of one of the most popular dirty novels of all time. There’s nothing less sexy than having to follow a script while you’re doing it, so don’t do that. You’re a betch and a sex goddess so you just do you while someone else is doing you, make sense? K good.
Images: Shutterstock; Giphy (2)
I feel like a lot of my recent sex articles have tried to answer the question of what sex can and can’t do. Like, sex can’t fully replace going to the gym, but sex can definitely be a harder workout than you’re making it. And sex can’t tell you if the guy you’re seeing is an asshole, but… wait no, sex can totally tell you if he’s an asshole. So, while I’m out here spinning gold into sex advice, I do worry from time to time that I need to remind readers of the first and foremost consideration: what YOU can and can’t do. And I don’t mean that in any kind of spiritual/emotional sense—I literally mean what your body can physically manage, something I can assure you is better to recognize now than when you’re looking down at a penis that’s been “kinked in the middle.” Because while sex can’t restore you to who you were before you saw a snapped peen, it most certainly can cause severe bodily harm to both parties.
So: know your limits, know the sex positions most likely to land you in the hospital, and make an informed decision on what you should and shouldn’t attempt (aforementioned sex positions listed below).
Shower sex is the best argument for abstinence I’ve ever encountered. It’s entirely possible that a large percentage of the celibate-by-choice population just lost their virginity in the shower and decided “never again” on the spot. Since shower sex makes you exclusively the wrong kind of wet, you will be at risk both of freezing to death and suffering internal damage you haven’t experienced since you learned what foreplay was. The slippery walls/floor factor lends an extra excitement that could otherwise only be achieved by coating your living room floor in baby oil and attempting to do a cartwheel. Thinking all fours would be safer for balance? Last time I tried shower sex, I got my hair caught in the faucet and then locked myself in a closet for 20 minutes to bask in my shame. If you are absolutely hell-bent on doing this because it’s on a sorority checklist, at least invest in those no-slip shower devices for the elderly. Consider it the second-most important latex product for your sexual safety.
Any Kind Of Cowgirl
Boy, am I nervous when attempting these positions. (And btw, “these positions” refers to regular cowgirl and reverse cowgirl for me—if you know of other, fancier cowgirls please hmu in the comments). We’re all aware that penises (penii?) have structural deficiencies, and a big one is their angle in relation to the male torso. When people talk about the joys of “riding dick” (idk who these people are, but they sound fun), I still kind of wish there were something joystick-y and easy about it, rather than a mass of flesh beaming up toward his own face like there’s a homing signal attached to it. While I hate to interrupt my own rant about dicks, the point here is that bouncing a little too high in cowgirl (an athletic effort that should only be rewarded) will not end in you just “re-mounting” as you come down—nope, that dick will immediately re-direct itself at that 45 degree angle, and you are suddenly in grave danger of causing a pain for which you’ll never be forgiven. Worst case scenario: breaking a penis. It’s possible, it’s real. Best case scenario: squashing a ball or two, and men are giant babies about that.
Bent Over Something
This article has taken a weird turn for making me sound like I’m 75 years old, but whatever—I’m including this series of positions because I literally strained a muscle from it last week. Specifically, I strained my oblique (the muscle that’s supposed to give you those ab side lines) from basically doing a half-plank during sex, because being bent over anything requires keeping your ass lifted (so the guy doesn’t have to squat) and core tight (so you don’t look pregnant, though maybe that’s a personal problem). What’s more, since I don’t particularly enjoy pretending to be an inanimate object during sex, I made the error of trying to control the pace and unwittingly pitted my abs and lower back muscles against the strength of his legs. As chill as the stabbing pains down my left side and the corresponding muscle relaxer prescription are, I would not attempt again without some kind of pillow support (brb, mourning my youth).
Blowjobs In Moving Vehicles
Yes, this isn’t technically P-in-V sex, but given the potential for harm to both the two of you and innocent passersby, I’m going to include it. You know how guys become completely helpless right before orgasm, and how that sense of power is 75% of the reason you ever go down on them likely they are to bust out facial expressions or guttural moans you’ve never known existed? Yeah, that kind of unpredictability is precisely the opposite of what you want in someone operating a motor vehicle (as the prescription label on my muscle relaxer handily points out). Also, even if he has superior focus abilities (a claim that’s almost as bullshit as a “condom allergy”), let’s consider the effects of a bump in the road, or a sudden stop. Unless you’re in the market to choke on/bite down on a dick (you can poll his preferences on the latter scenario or nah, up to you), maybe pull the fuck over and stop acting like a horny sixteen year-old. If a female cop pulls you over, I dare you to tell her with a straight face that you were just too excited at the prospect of giving a blowjob to wait until you got home. And if a male cop pulls you over, also do not say this because it sounds like the beginning of a porno featuring you and the entire NYPD (now that I say it, it sounds more like an episode of SVU but this is getting dark enough as is).
That’s my PSA for the day—be safe out there!
Images: Skyler King / Unsplash