I’m Jared Freid. I’m a 33 year old comedian who loves The Bachelor and The Bachelorette. I love it so much, I live tweet every episode @jtrain56. As you can imagine, my father is v proud. V.
For years, I’ve broken down the contestants before the new season. When I first started doing these, Snapchat was just an app to see boobs, and Instagram wasn’t a career. Also, ABC would only give me a picture, a name, an age, where they were from, and a profession. I’d make massive assumptions based on that small amount of information and that was my preview. Then ABC was like, “Let’s interview these monsters,” and suddenly my job got easier. Maybe too easy. The contestants would give weird answers, and you could basically tell which of them were Instagram follower thirsty. This season, they’ve changed it to a short bio written by an intern who had to think of 30 different ways to call someone an influencer. So, join me as I make massive assumptions based on very little (now secondhand) information. It’s like sitting with me at an outdoor café while we make fun of the people who walk past, except I’m not on my fifth vodka soda and hoarding the french fries. Please enjoy and follow me on Twitter or Instagram, where I’ll be making fun of these crazies every Monday night. Let’s have a fun season.
So I told you that I’ve been doing this breakdown for a long time. Well, last season a lot of The Bachelorette contestants started following me after reading what I wrote about them. Colton was one of those people. He was especially good about it. But honestly, why wouldn’t he be? Look what I wrote:
Colton is a 26 year old former pro football player who had to stop playing due to an injury. He has a charitable organization that helps children fight Cystic Fibrosis and a dog named Sniper. Lastly, he dated Olympic gold medal winner Aly Raisman, and he picked her up over social media. This guy might walk out of the limo, hand over his resume to Becca, wink at her, and then get a BJ in the bathroom.
I’m not even exaggerating when I say that he might have the best resume in Bachelorette history. All its missing is a part about really enjoying his “How to eat pussy” class that he takes every Tuesday and Thursday and that nothing makes him happier than getting right back to texts. Is Sniper a yellow lab? If Sniper’s a yellow lab, I’ll blow him.
Ya…I’d like me too. I basically told an audience full of women that he was the greatest catch of all time and we should all go blow him without question. Was I right? Well, when I was in Denver, Colton actually came on my podcast. He couldn’t have been nicer. My mom would call him “a mensch.” He gave me a bottle of wine, came on the show, and I made fun of him for being a virgin. After the show, I literally pulled a crumpled fifty dollar bill from my pocket to pay him and he was like, “Donate it to my foundation!” Umm, what? I was almost annoyed that he made me realize I was a garbage person.
I’m honestly cheering for Colton to find whatever he wants from this experience. Now, that’s the question: what does he want? A following? A wife? A chance to have the greatest virginity loss story of all time–banging three different women in a fantasy suite over the course of a weekend? Money for his foundation? I honestly don’t know. All I know is that Colton has willpower. The guy’s still a virgin in the face of probably over 100k DM requests. I’m excited for Colton. I hope he has fun.
Alex is a “dog rescuer,” which is a really tough job title. Like, it’s hard to disagree with it. She saves dogs. Great work. But you know she’s unbearable. Her bio literally says, “she’s saved almost 5000 dogs from slaughter.” That line reeks of self-congratulation. Like, I wouldn’t want to spend five minutes talking to someone at a party who says “I saved almost 5000 dogs from slaughter.” Does she wear a cape? Were the dogs being held at gunpoint? Why is she counting? How selfless is that? Does she take a sharpie to her wall and put a line up every time she saves a dog? Is Superman taking six months off to get a bunch of Instagram followers?
It just says “Alex D, Sloth” which I guess is her “jokey” job title. This is a personal pet peeve of mine–hot people taking the things ugly people would be insulted to be called (because it’s true) and then calling themselves that thing to show they “get it.” Alex, you’re not a sloth. You get to the gym a minimum of three times a week. You’re going on a show that’s basically a Miss America for shorter women who might enter a fantasy suite on national TV that has a “We F*ckin’” sign written above the door. Gain 50 pounds and we’ll talk nicknames.
Angelique’s favorite TV show is How To Get Away With Murder, and her favorite actress is Viola Davis. I honestly couldn’t envision an actress/show combo that is less compatible with Colton, a white football player from Colorado. I imagine Angelique being like, “I’m loving How To Get Away With Murder,” and Colton being like, “Dave Matthews Band?” And Angelique being like, “What?” And Colton being like, “My best friend is a fan of Black-ish.” Then they’d sit on a couch in silence until another contestant asks if she can “steal him for a second.”
Annie is going to do well on this show, because she really has nothing to lose. She’s 23 and a “party starter” who went to Alabama. She also comes from money. How do I know? Well, during these divided times people have worked little descriptors into their lingo to try and tell people they’re not rich when they actually are rich. Annie’s bio says she “grew up on a farm” which is a classic evasive-rich-parent-speak maneuver. The bio goes on to tell us that she rode horses in national competitions and she’s from Wisconsin and she works in NYC. So, you grew up on a farm? Aww shucks! There’s no way Mammi and Pappi could afford to send you around the country ridin horses AND send you to school out of state AND help with co-signing for that one bedroom NYC apartment. Who will get the water from the well?! This girl is good and rich and will have not a care in the world during her six-month vacation. She’ll stick around.
Bri is a 24 year old model from LA. Her bio literally says “Her biggest dating fear? Farting too loudly.” The best part of that statement is the word “Too.” Like, it’s not the farting that worries Bri, it’s the possibility that one of the farts she plans on pushing out during this date might be loud enough to be a distraction. This is one of the privileges of being hot. I’m not even phased. Bri could get up during our date, put her ass right above our burrata appetizer, fart loudly onto it, then say “Just thought we needed some more cheese.” And I’d be like, “HAHA you’re so cheesy!” And then I’d pay for the dinner. Bri, this bio made someone with a fetish climax in their pants. Good work.
I’m going to let you read the beginning of Caelynn’s bio, and then you can guess the ending:
“Caelynn grew up in Fredericksburg, Virginia, and attended Virginia Commonwealth University, where she got her degree in broadcast journalism. She was named Miss North Carolina in 2018 and was the first runner-up at Miss USA. But Caelynn is not your typical beauty queen.”
Now, what do you think comes next? She fights grizzly bears? She just lost 550 pounds on My 600-lb Life? She eats? Nope. She once flew to Japan for a first date. Ummm that’s EXACTLY something I’d expect from a typical beauty queen. You mean a beautiful woman got a ridiculous amount of money spent on her so a creepy guy in Japan can maybe masturbate on her feet?!? I never would’ve imagined.
Caitlin is a 25-year-old realtor from Toronto. Canadians do well on this show. I think it’s because, for whatever reason, their connection between sex and relationships is different than American women. They all seem like they’d knock you on the shoulder with their fist and say “How bout a blowjob?! Eh?!,” then slap shot a hockey puck into a garbage can lying on the ground. One could say that Bachelor contestants are Canada’s greatest export to the United States, and I make that statement as a blowjob enthusiast.
Cassie is a 23-year-old speech pathologist. Speech pathologist is a job I didn’t even know existed until I graduated college. Then all of a sudden, every hot girl had a story about an uncle with a lisp who showed them the meaning of Christmas. Then you ask a few questions and you find out it’s one of those masters degrees that takes two years and they all get to work at a school and get summers off. It’s an underrated awesome job. “I’m a speech pathologist” seems like a “Whoaa who is this scientist?!” kind of job, when it’s really like “Who is this person that repeats words with a kid for an hour?!”
Catherine has the look of this year’s “hot villain who we will all follow on Instagram until the day we die.” Then you read her bio and you realize that’s exactly what’s going to happen. Catherine is a “successful commercial real estate agent” and “up-and-coming hip-hop DJ” who refers to her dog as her “daughter.” Catherine’s favorite author is Dr. Seuss, she’s a pescatarian, and claims she has no tattoos because “you don’t put a bumper sticker on a Ferrari.” I don’t think there’s ever been a more hate-worthy bio in Bachelor history. Her bio could’ve been, “My ideal man is part Adolf Hitler, part Osama Bin Laden” and I would’ve been like, “At least she isn’t an up-and-coming DJ who thinks fur is murder but can’t help having some sushi!”
Courtney is a 23-year-old caterer who “turned her passion for cooking into a successful catering business.” I love how everyone going on The Bachelor is a “successful” something. What 23-year-old is successful at anything? A 23-year-old saying their job is as real as a five-year-old saying they’re going to be a fireman. There’s never a bio that says, “Courtney is a 23-year-old who sits at her computer all day blankly staring while wondering what the hell she’s doing with her life and if every decision she’s ever made was a mistake. That’s probably what brought her on this show!” Where’s that bio? Where are my mediocre Bachelor contestants?!
Some bios are almost trying so hard to be liked by men to the point that I hate them. Demi’s is that bio: “Demi grew up in rural Texas and is a proud country girl. She loves ATVing, fishing and watching WWE. She can also drive a stick shift.” Is this a a Brad Paisley song or Demi’s bio?! It’s almost like a porno written by a Ford F-150 owner. What was the next line? “And every Sunday I practice blowjobs on bananas before making it into chocolate chip banana bread. If only some strong man was there to eat it with me while watching wrestling!”
Devin is a 23-year-old broadcast journalist who says her greatest achievement is getting her Master’s degree at age 23…from Arizona State. Ok, I don’t think you came here to read about the college bubble in America but we can agree this is that bubble popping. To me, a Master’s from Arizona State is like graduating the sandwich school at Arby’s, except the piece of paper from Arby’s will get you paid.
Elyse is a 31-year-old makeup artist from Alaska who now lives in Scottsdale. I can’t imagine being a woman in my 30s on The Bachelor. You had your friends telling you to go on since you were 26 as a half joke. Then around 29 you’re like “It’s not the worst idea.” Then after the fifth wedding of the summer you’re like “f*ck it,” and you fill out the application while three glasses of wine deep. Now you’re 31 and you’re living in a house full of 23-year-olds eating and drinking whatever they want while never gaining weight. They complain about being the “old single one” in their group at home and when they realize you’re listening they say, “no but you look amazing!” It’s got to be hell. Good luck Elyse. I’m cheering for you.
Erika is known to her group of friends as “The Nut” because she “is a ball of energy” with “a great sense of humor.” I hate Erika’s friends for her. The nut?! Really?! You got a friend who is so single that she’s going on The Bachelor and you’re going out to bars calling your “friend” the same things guys call their semen and being like, “Ya that’s THE NUT!! She’s hilarious.” That’s who guys want to date. The girl that other girls call a “nut.” We’re all looking for a woman so crazy other women think she’s crazy. Can’t wait to see what that period is like!! Fix me up with The Load! I mean…The Nut!!
Sometimes they don’t explain things in these bios and then it’s all I can think about. Erin’s bio literally says, “Erin, 28, Cinderella, Plano TX.” Cinderella? How’d that happen? The rest of the bio says she works for her stepmom’s home improvement business. No mention of Cinderella or love of Disney or the character. I guess she works for her stepmom. Is she calling her evil? Did the producers ask what she did for work and she was like “Cinderella!” Then they fake laughed and they were like, “No really!” And she was like “I work for my stepmom’s home improvement company but keep Cinderella! You guys said that was funny!” And they were like “Umm ok.”
Hannah B was born and raised in Tuscaloosa, Alabama, and then attended the University of Alabama. Her parents went to Alabama and she’s the 2018 Miss Alabama. I can promise you a few things about Hannah B:
- She will say “roll tide” more than three times on the opening episode.
- She will have a montage on the opening episode where we go home and see her parents and it’s going to be a life that is unrecognizable to any of us normals. There will be a dog, and pictures of her beauty pageants, and a mom who’s gorgeous and not wearing leggings, and a dad who kinda smirks like he’s happy with himself for making a hot daughter.
- She came on this show to get a following.
- She frequently puts the word “the” in front of any minority or religion. The gays. The blacks. You get the point.
Hannah G. is a “Content Creator” with the following sentence in her bio: “She’s both the photographer and model for her burgeoning social media business.” If people are going to make money off of social media, can we at least be a little more honest? Burgeoning social media business?! How about “Hannah G. has a following that’s mostly men who frequently DM her something about the hardness of their penis but that’s a little weird to say to her parents so let’s just say Hannah G. is very lucky and frequents the gym.”
Heather’s bio revolves around the fact that she’s 22 and she’s never been kissed. I gotta be honest, I don’t really feel bad for her about that. Never been kissed?! What’s she missing out on? Meeting someone on a dating app, making out on a first date, thinking this guy could be the one, going on a second date, having them mention family and friends and how they’ve “never connected like this,” go back and have sex, then date for three months when all of a sudden they show up saying they’re “not ready for commitment” on a night you shaved and thought you were going for Italian with a parent meeting on the horizon!?! There’s a lot of girls who are nodding while wishing kissing was their issue.
I guess she’s Jane? I don’t know. Jane seems nice. The bio is actually the most normal of the bunch, other than the fact that she’s going on a TV show to get married. There’s one line that gets me: “She would choose her checkered sneakers over heels or stilettos any day!” Women have this thing where a whole attitude can be based on shoes. As if we’d read that line about sneakers and be like, “Oh I’d be friends with her.” You see it at weddings all the time. The bride will reveal sneakers under her dress and all the women will be pointing at it as if a puppy just nursed a kitten back to health. Even places are described by shoes. If you’ve ever been to Fire Island in New York, you know that every woman describes the place based on one fact: “You can wear flats to the bar.” As if that’s all you’d need to hear about the place. They should rename the island “Flats at the bar” so we don’t have to keep having this conversation. I don’t know. You probably all love Jane now. I do too. She gets it.
Katie is a 26-year-old medical sales representative who used to dance at LSU, and who now lives in LA. Well, she says Sherman Oaks but that’s basically LA. It’s always weird when someone hot moves to LA to do something that isn’t in entertainment. Like, why? Why do that to yourself? The beach? Go to San Diego and sell MRI machines. Katie annoys me. You know she moved there to get famous, but she gets to run around LA acting better than some idiot who moved there to act because she’s “in medical sales” and “lives in Sherman Oaks!” No Katie, you live in LA and you self-taped an audition to go on a show where you could hypothetically pick up over 100k Instagram followers and never work again.
Kirpa is a dental hygienist who works at her dad’s dentistry business. Can you imagine Kirpa’s dad right now? He comes to this country (I’m assuming she’s an immigrant considering she’s not “Kirpa G”) and becomes a dentist with his own practice. He has this beautiful daughter. He sends her to school. She works at his business. He thinks, “One day, I’ll hand this all to Kirpa and she’ll be an independent working woman who can marry a great guy and have beautiful grandchildren. My wife, Birpa and I, will glow as we watch her blossom and reap the benefits of our hard work!” Then one day over the summer this interaction happens:
Kirpa: THE PRODUCERS JUST CALLED!! I’M GONNA BE ON THE BACHELOR!!!”
Kirpa’s Dad: What’s The Bachelor!?
Kirpa: It’s a show where 30 women try to marry one guy! He’s a virgin who played football for fifteen minutes! He likes dogs!!
Kirpa’s Dad: *Boards plane back to home country.*
Laura’s hot and will stick around. I can just tell. She doesn’t have blonde hair so she looks different enough that we won’t confuse her with all the Hannahs on this season. She’s also an accountant, which shows you how hot she must be in person. Some guy was like, “Sure Laura, I’ll take over your accounting work while you go on TV and date someone else during the lead up to our busiest time of year! Good luck!! I’ll be here masturbating to your Instagram!”
Nicole is 25, and she lives at home with her brother, mom, grandma, two dogs, a cat, and a cockatoo named Popeye. She will not win, but I hope she makes it to the hometown visits so we can see Colton’s reaction to the whole family (including the bird) in one bed like the Willy Wonka grandparents. This is kind of one of those “hot privileges.” If Nicole were a guy or not gorgeous we’d all be like, “Oh this loser is living at home and now she’s trying to be famous.” But instead everyone is like, “What’s Nicole’s Instagram!?”
Nina has watched The Bachelor “for years” with her mom and grandma, and you can tell by what she had them put in her bio: “Nina was born in Croatia and moved to the United States with her mom when she was nine years old, fleeing the conflict there amidst bullets and bombs.” This is how you stay on any reality show. Ever notice how everyone on Chopped escaped a fire to make their momma’s frittata? I’m not saying Nina didn’t flee a war-torn country. But I am saying this sentence makes it sound like she was hopscotching a minefield on her way to the United States. This will get her an opening episode interview from her mom’s house, and she’ll tell Colton all about this with an American accent then magically have a Croatian accent while saying the word, “Croatia.”
Onyeka is a 24 year old IT consultant whose parents have been married for 35 years, after only knowing one another for two weeks. I CAN’T stand people whose parents got married after knowing each other for a blink of an eye. It’s all they talk about as if it’s a real option for everyone. They’re always the first to bemoan the current state of dating and how much better it was for their parents. Your dad stayed with your mom because there were three girls in the neighborhood and she was the one without the lazy eye. This wasn’t romantic, this was a numbers game and it always will be a numbers game. More options, more difficulty. Sorry dating is different and your dad never got the chance to have some random girl lick his butt because she’d never see him again and they were both curious.
Revian once flew across the country to meet a guy she met on the internet. That’s way crazier than going on The Bachelor. At least she has something to gain on this show. A following, some friends, an alcohol problem. But meeting a guy on an app because he was in your town for a business trip then continuing to text because “we get along so well over text” gets her nothing. What happens? What’s to gain? She shows up in New York where he gets a hotel so the girl he was “kind of seeing” won’t find out. Then they act like a couple for two days until she leaves after only cumming one and a half times and then he texts less and less until he disappears like a fart in the wind. That feels MUCH less fulfilling.
Sydney is a 27 year old NBA dancer who has never had a boyfriend. The “never had a boyfriend” girls are a TOUGH hang. I actually think never having a boyfriend in the hookup and dating world of today is totally normal. But DO NOT tell that to the “never had a boyfriend” girl. She’s going to bring this up at every turn. Want to go out on New Year’s Eve?! “Well, sure but who would I even kiss? I’ve never had a boyfriend.” Want to go get drinks?! “I’d drink, but how will I even sip a martini!? A boyfriend never taught me!!” Hi, my name is Jared! “I’VE NEVER HAD A BOYFRIEND NOBODY WILL EVER LOVE ME!!!”
Tahzjuan has a tattoo that says “I love bad ideas.” I love that. I think everyone who does spring break in Acapulco, dates a guy they met on Tinder who lives more than an hour away, eats Chipotle before a jog, and becomes a contestant on The Bachelor should have to get the “I love bad ideas” tattoo.
Tayshia is a phlebotomist, which I guess is someone who draws blood for a living. She also goes on missions and volunteers at her church. Sometimes you get a good vibe from someone’s bio and you want to scream, “NO!! TAYSHIA!!! DON’T DO IT!” And then you remember you drank seven martinis last night and we all have to learn from our own mistakes.
Tracy’s bio claims that “If she could be anyone else for a day, she’d be Beyoncé.” That’s how you know Tracy is going to be a villain in the house. People who aspire to be Beyoncé are the people who want enough money to never give a damn about what anyone else thinks of them. If Tracy gets a big following from the show, then you should expect her to write a book called Screaming Yass Queen While Not Giving A F*ck, and to have a personal assistant whose only responsibility is working a wind machine.
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Images: ABC (32)