Are you a Friends addict who simply can’t be satiated by the reruns on Netflix? Already been to all of the Central Perk pop ups across the country? Well, we have huge news for you. A crime was committed in the UK earlier in the week and in a way it’s sort of like an across-the-pond Friends reboot!
England’s Blackpool Police department posted a video of a man stealing a case of beer from a local convenience shop. The good citizens of Twitter immediately pointed out how much the thief looked like Ross from Friends.
They aren’t wrong. In fact, they’re so right that even David Schwimmer(Ross IRL) chimed in.
— schwim (@DavidSchwimmer) October 24, 2018
I know crime isn’t supposed to be fun, but this is very fun. I wish all crimes were this petty and all criminals were celebrity doppelgängers. Show me videos of off-brand Ariana Grande running a red light or a Chris Pratt lookalike charged for disorderly conduct.
Luckily for Schwimmer, Blackpool’s police corroborated his claim that he was in NYC at the time and he couldn’t have bene the one to do this. However, I think it’s only responsible to see where Rachel’s former beau Russ was and see if he has a strong alibi.
Russ always seems pretty shady to me…
Anyways, I kind of don’t care if they find the criminal but if they do, I say let him go. He’s brought us enough joy during this hell week that we ought to overlook his human desire for a few brewskis.
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Procrastination is my best talent and my middle name at this point. Laundry? Packing? Paying rent? You’ll probably find me attempting to go on a run if it means getting out of doing any of those. On a real note, there’s nothing I delay more than figuring out WTF my New Year’s Eve plans are every fucking year. It doesn’t help that living in New York City makes this a million times harder. Like, nothing stresses me more—other than trying to figure out the exact date we’ll get a confirmation on Kardashian-Jenner pregnancies. NYE is honestly the most overhyped, extra AF, ridiculously overpriced holiday ever. Nothing rarely goes according to plan, and tbh, I’m always too drunk to remember when midnight even happened, so why the hell would I pay a shit ton of money anyway? Unfortunately, NYE is in just a few weeks, which means you better get the ball rolling on your plans. Ball reference very much intended. From New Yorker to New Yorker, here are five not-so-expensive NYE plans you can make with your best girlfriends to ring in 2018.
1. New Year’s Eve: Y2K At House Of Yes
Grab your 90s neon windbreaker and your boombox (JK, you probably can’t bring a boombox in there) and head over to House of Yes for a night of nostalgia mixed with futuristic chaos. No matter the theme, House of Yes knows how to throw a fucking party, and this will be one NYE you’ll never forget. Come in your best future or throwback outfit, because otherwise you won’t be allowed in—which just adds to the fun if you ask me. It’s like Hallowen mixed with NYE. “Which Fresh Prince did I make out with?” you may ask yourself. “Was that guy the Tin Man, or a robot?” you’ll wonder the next morning as you wipe silver paint off your face. Expect out-of-this-world costumes, live aerial performances, and more. Tickets start at $30, so buy now before they’re all gone. House of Yes events consistently sell out, so don’t say I didn’t warn you.
2. New Year’s Eve at The Ditty
For those of you in Astoria who don’t feel like trekking it to Manhattan or going anywhere else because that’s just too much effort, one of the most popular bars is offering a three-hour open bar and, I quote, “big-ass champagne toast.” Tickets start at $75, where you can watch the countdown live on their TVs, drop it low, and eat tons of drunchies until it’s finally 12am. After midnight, the bar opens up to non-ticketholders for an “all night dance party” that supposedly goes until 8-fucking-am. WHO THE HELL IS STAYING OUT UNTIL 8am? I’m concerned.
3. Stage 48 NYC Times Square New Year’s Eve
Obviously, I was not going to include the Times Square ball drop on this savvy guide I’ve created, because I’m not a fucking martian. Anyone who lives in the vicinity of NYC knows to stay as far away as possible from that area or else get trampled, and don’t say we didn’t tell you so. If you’re still all about the craziness, you’ll def want to check out the epic celebration Stage 48 is bound to have in Hell’s Kitchen. The multi-floor club will provide five hours of open bar, four food stations, and hours of dancing on tables with your PICs. For tickets that start at $79, you’ll want to dress to impress, obvi.
4. Cielo New Year’s Eve 2018
Cielo is a banging nightclub known to host DJs we listen to on Spotify playlists, with some of the very best speakers in the city. So will you go deaf? Probably. But will you embarrassingly dance your ass off? Definitely. I say this as a fact, being that this is exactly what happened here on my birthday. This year’s NYE event will have a five hour open bar, champagne, and annoying party favors you’ll use when you’re drunk. General admission starts at $99, so obvs buy it ASAP before they sell out.
5. New Year’s Eve 2017 Meatpacking Party Pass
This is ~the~ official NYE party pass for club hopping in Meatpacking. There are three exclusive venues, which include The Chester, Common Ground, and The Lately, that offer five hour open bars, classy af prosecco, and top-notch live DJ performances of your favorite basic radio hits. Be sure to hop in each party for a variety of celebrations and of course, to sample the different tequila each place has to offer.
Well, here we are again. The weekend. Is it going to be a rager, or are you going to stay inside eating your weight in calories and binge-watching GLOW? Both options sound pretty good, TBH. How is one to decide? Ask the stars, duh. This week we have consulted Google the stars to bring you the best possible weekend horoscope, so you can make the most of the 48 hours in between going back to work. If anybody questions your decision making this weekend cut them out of your life kindly explain to them that you’re fulfilling your cosmic destiny. They’ll totally understand.
Work got you down, Aries? Welcome to the rest of your life. Just kidding, that’s what losers say. We settle for nothing less than the best, so if you’re job isn’t that then it’s time to move the fuck on. This isn’t going to be an easy task, unless your dad is a CEO looking to hand out some careers. You’re going to have to put in some real work to get where you want to be, but it’ll be worth it once you’re working in your chic mid-century industrial loft just like every CW show told you that you would. Get a head start on your new life this weekend by scouring job posting sites. If it makes you feel better, treat yourself afterwards with an upgraded wardrobe for your upgraded life.
After two straight weekends of overhauling your life, you’ve earned a break, Taurus. Change is exhausting, more so when it’s directed entirely at yourself. This weekend, live by one motto: treat yo’self. Spa treatment? Check. New wardrobe? Check. An extra fatty brunch? Double fucking check. Whatever you need to do to wind down, book it now. Relish in the luxury today, because after this weekend it’s back to the real world.
You’ve been working hard, Gemini, and despite what you’ve been starting to think, it’s not going unnoticed. This weekend you’ll finally get some of that much-deserved recognition you’ve been craving, and there is no shame in basking in it. Hopefully, you’re someone who is good at accepting compliments, because they’re about to start flooding in. If not, now is the perfect time to get some practice in. Just smile nod graciously, and let everyone gush about how awesome you are.
As is typical for month long celebrations, the past couple weeks have likely wrecked your bank account, Cancer. Don’t worry, it was totally worth it. However, unless you want to be stuck eating rice and beans for the next couple months, it’s time to cool off for a bit. This weekend, ignore the siren call of happy hours that turn into late night affairs. You’ll be horrified by how much money you save, to the point that you’ll start imagining how rich you’d be if you had no friends at all. A couple weekends of this kind of behavior should put you right back on track.
Have you been thinking about making a change lately, Leo? Of course you have, because your horoscope says so. Use this as the ultimate sign that it’s time to capitalize on that change. Use this weekend to get your thoughts organized and to start putting things in motion. Moving to a new city? Start looking at places to live. Redecorating your home? Get that Pinterest board ready. Trying to make new friends? Reach out to acquaintances that could introduce you to a new group. Whatever it takes, start moving while the motivation lasts.
When life throws you lemons, make something that involves lemons and alcohol. Well this weekend, Virgo, life will be throwing you lots of lemons. A citrus basket, if you will. The good news is you won’t be getting scurvy anytime soon. The bad? You’re gonna have a stressful couple of weeks. Take some time over the next few days to step back and take stock of your life. Odds are, this is a push in the right direction. A wildly inconvenient one, but a push nonetheless. Once you accept that, things will get easier. Even easier after you have a couple of those lemon/alcohol concoctions.
It’s time to get shit done, Libra. There are literal months’ worth of projects piling up at home, and this weekend is the time to actually tackle them. Break out your craft box and get to work, because summer waits for no DIY. Celebrate at the end of your journey by hosting a party to catch up with friends show off what an amazing job you did. Feeling accomplished is one thing, but nothing is quite as satisfying as the envious compliments of your closest friends.
So you may have lost your chill earlier this week, Scorpio. It’s cool. It happens. People have come to expect it from you. But now that you’ve collected yourself, it may be time for some damage control. Odds are you have at least one sensitive friend (unfortunately), and that’s probably a good place to start if you’re worried that you set some people off. Take her to coffee, let her get weepy, and then let her know that any combination of PMS/stress/existential crisis was responsible for your momentary breakdown. Odds are she only wants to hear you pretend to apologize before moving on. If it takes more than that, a bottle of wine never hurt a wounded friendship.
We get it, Sagittarius, your last relationship sucked. You know, your mom knows, your friends and the bartender at your local dive know. Well guess what? It’s time to move on. Use this weekend to both literally and metaphorically rid yourself of any unnecessary baggage that may have built up over the last couple months. Buy some moisturizer, get rid of some of the unnecessary people in your life, and bask in that summer sun. Nothing soothes a broken heart like a perfect tan, right?
Putting yourself out there is hard, Capricorn, but it’s not harder than being alone. This weekend, the opportunity to open up to someone will present itself, and you’d be wrong to ignore it. Sure, it may be easier to brush things off than address actual emotions, but these things can’t be avoided forever. Make your lifelong therapist proud and show off your high emotional intelligence this weekend. Who knows, it could actually work out for you. If not, there’s always vodka to soothe the sting.
This weekend is a minefield, Aquarius. There will be events to ignore, people to avoid and friends to help guide through it, and it’s all falling on you. As an expert planner, you’ve been training your whole life for this moment. Instead of letting other dictate your course, set up a weekend full of your own fun, exclusive activities. Your friends will be too busy enjoying themselves to realize that they’re low-key in hiding. Reward yourself for all your hard work come Saturday with long, Mimosa-fueled brunch. Go wild with that eggs Benedict, you earned it.
This is a weekend for trying new things, Pisces. We’re not saying you’re in a rut…. but things are starting to look a little stale on your end. For the next two days, abandon all your regular spots and broaden your horizons. Try that new coffee shop that opened up by your office. Get wild with a new cuisine you wouldn’t usually opt for. Spend your night in a new, unexplored part of town. Caveat: there is a very real possibility that you hate every bit of it. There’s a reason you’re stuck in your ways after all. But what if a weekend of discovery leads you to a newfound passion? It’s up to you to decide if that’s a risk you’re willing to take.
New York fucking City is not only the best city in the entire U.S., but in the entire world. I’ll pretend like you didn’t already know that, though. If you live here, you know that putting up with a disgusting amount of man buns, rat-infested subways, and questionable drug pushers is all worth it because no other place will ever be good enough. If you don’t live here, then I know you wish you did—otherwise, you would’ve never applied to NYU for grad school to begin with. The city is home to rooftops you can simultaneously tan and blackout at (a betch’s two talents), Instagram-worthy food you won’t find anywhere else, and a shit ton of your favorite celebrities because all those songs about NYC aren’t just for nothing.
Whether you’re a true New Yorker or (annoying) tourist, I’m sure you think you’ve hit up plenty of boujee rooftops and overpriced festivals in the past few months but there’s only six weeks of this
life-threatening heat wave summer left. It’s time to really amp up the crucial areas of your life (social, sex, Instagram) with the most perfect (and only) summer bucket list you’ll need. Realistically, if you’re seriously bored in New York City, then it’s your own goddamn fault.
^^^ Literally every time someone gets kicked out of a bar in the city.
1. Watch An Outdoor Movie With A View
Since suburbs or anything resembling John Deere-obsessed hicks are a foreign concept to those of us who are only outdoorsy in the sense that we enjoy blacking out on rooftops, that means drive-in theaters are pretty much non-existent, too. That is unless you’re willing to drive like, an hour away, aka
I literally don’t have my license that’s not happening. Get the same experience, only better, by visiting Bryant Park on Monday nights or Brooklyn Bridge Park on Thursday nights for free film viewings. Ditch the Netflix and chill for once and bring the blanket here instead. Best part? It’s free.
2. Buy Something With Too Many Calories At Smorgasburg
Even if you go every
weekend year, there will always be new additions to the city’s most Instagrammed food market in Brooklyn. This summer, find something you haven’t tried yet at Smorgasburg and get it for the likes. I’m not saying you actually have to eat it (does anyone eat the food they Insta?), all I’m saying is you’re guaranteed triple-digit likes.
3. Attend A Free Outdoor Concert In One Of NYC’s Parks
This really grool program, SummerStage, hosts hundreds of free concerts scattered across the five boroughs. In efforts to represent diversity and other good deeds for the city, the summer festival brings in a wide range of artists and genres to perform. Whether you’ve heard of them or not, it’s free fucking live music where you can buy beers and call yourself cultured or some shit.
4. Soak Up The Sun With Wine In The High Line Park
Despite all of the nightclubs we love in Meatpacking, it’s also the start of an elevated public park that’s built right on a historic train line. The High Line (don’t get it twisted with the hotel) runs from Gansevoort Street all the way to West 34th. It’s a little under 2 miles long so if you walk the whole thing, it totally counts as cardio for the week day. The park features perfect sunbathing chairs, cute little carts with famous popsicles, and most importantly, an outdoor cafe with a huge selection of beer and wine. Watch the sunset and stay for their stargazing events. You’ll have enough Instas to last you like, a week.
5. Order A Beer Pitcher From The Oldest Beer Garden In NYC
It may be a tad out of the way but, once again, YOLO. So if it means venturing out to Astoria by taking the N or the Q, you’ll live. The oldest and one of the biggest beer gardens in the city is right in Astoria, Queens. They have a menu full of dozens of beers and wines, so even if you just “don’t like beer,” you’ll def find one that tastes almost like Bud Light. Or, you can just resort to your usual wine. Their happy hours consist of $4 mugs and $14 pitchers—a deal you can’t pass up in a city that’s expensive af.
6. Score A Poolside Pic At One Of JIMMY’s Summer Pool Parties
This exclusive hotel in SoHo only opens its pool to the public without a cover charge on Saturdays and Sundays at 3pm. A Jimmy Pool Party has everything you need for a solid pregame or curing a bad hangover. With live DJs, stocked bar, too many guys in finance, and a pool with stunning views, it’s everything you need for the perfect photo op. Use your own discretion for risking possible STDs in the pool, but other than that, you’ll have no problem finding enough room for a Bambi candid on the poolside. While you’re at it, use our guide for other rooftop bars you should blackout at ASAP.
7. Visit “The Happiest Place On Earth” At Least Twice
This is a must-do for any Hamptons- or beer-lover—so like, everyone. Have you had your Instagram flooded with people covered in yellow fucking smiley face stickers, looking like they’re having the time of their lives? Well, they’re def at The Boardy Barn. Open only on Sundays (rain or shine), this outdoor tented bar is the place Long Islanders love to get wasted by 3pm at. Its specials are basically “dollar beer nights” on crack. So, like a shit show. Be prepared to get beer for no more than a couple dollars accompanied with some mud, 90s hits, and a pizza counter for those drunchies. Admission is $20 but all so very worth it. No wonder this place closes at 8pm, you’ll be blackout by like, 6pm.
8. Get Buzzed Off Of Ice Cream
The gods have heard us. Alcohol + ice cream is now very much a thing. Located in Kips Bay, Tipsy Scoop features a plethora of flavors all infused with alcohol up to five percent. They range from Mango Margarita Sorbet, Cake Batter Vodka Martini, to Spiked Hazelnut Coffee. If you come during their afternoon happy hours, you can get two for the price of one. What a pregame game-changer.
9. Eat On The Water
The Frying Pan, a literal floating lighthouse, is located on Pier 66 on West 26th. Impress your friends with serious brunch upgrades by opting to eat and drink on this docked bar with an unreal view of the Hudson River. You can choose from a number of beers, wines, and liquors, as well as a variety of food to hold you over. Since The Frying Pan is right on the water, you probs won’t be able to tell the difference between you actually being drunk or just moving along with the waves. Either way, you won’t even care, just try not to vom.
10. Splurge On An Overpriced Music Festival On Some NYC Island
Your summer isn’t really complete until you pay like, $300 for a music festival you hardly remember in New York. With Panorama coming up this weekend, what better time to spend an obscene amount of money on a festival full of good music, wannabe hippies, and an unhealthy amount of alcohol. The upcoming 3-day music fest will take place on Randall’s Island, featuring artists like Frank Ocean, Tame Impala, Kiiara, Tyler the Creator, and tons of other people you probably don’t know. The creators of Coachella came up with this festival too so, this is as close as you’ll get to being Vanessa Hudgens on the East Coast anyway. See the full lineup and buy tickets here.
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