So we’re all in agreement these days that we would rather binge watch shows and act like the characters are our real-life friends rather than engaging with society, right? Okay, cool. Glad I’m not the only one. Since we all have emotional investments in television shows even though these characters really should have no bearing on our day-to-day lives, I thought I should indulge this toxic mentality by talking about couples from beloved TV shows that should never have ended up together. God, I have way too much time on my hands. All of these couples are considered iconic, but I’m going to tell you why their relationships at best, wouldn’t work, and at worst, are straight-up toxic. Go ahead, rip me apart in the comments.
Dan and Serena from ‘Gossip Girl’
Or any couple from Gossip Girl, for that matter. I’ve said it before: Dan and Serena’s relationship was only fueled by drama and looking into each other’s eyes as The Fray swelled in the background. That’s not romance. That’s just making each other’s lives hell with a (crappy) soundtrack. I could write an entire dissertation on why Chuck and Blair were terrible together too, but let me put it this way: the worst jumping off point for a marriage is if you’re getting married to an abusive guy solely to make sure he doesn’t go to jail for murder because as his wife, you won’t have to testify. There’s literally no argument that could prove me wrong here.
Here’s what should have happened: Rufus and Lily should have gotten married. Blair and Dan should have gotten married because they really were the healthiest couple on the show and Serena f*cked Blair’s stepbrother that we all forgot about, as well as her ex-boyfriend, so it’s a double whammy in terms of revenge. We all know how much Blair loves revenge. Nate and Jenny should’ve at least had a better shot at dating because they seemed to really care for each other. And Chuck and Serena can rot in hell with all the other good-looking but inherently terrible fictional characters. I’m sure they would’ve gotten along swimmingly with Lyla Garrity and Patrick Bateman.
Aunt Becky and Uncle Jesse from ‘Full House’
Don’t worry, I’ll make an inevitable Operation Varsity Blues joke at Aunt Becky’s expense in a minute. Full disclosure: I’m writing this without having Fuller House in mind because I’d rather have unprotected sex with Charlie Sheen or eat a lobster roll from McDonald’s than watch that sh*t. Anyway, Aunt Becky and Uncle Jesse were so. f*cked. up. It was not due to them simply being a modern couple with the woman being the breadwinner who was close with their spouse’s family. I mean, think about it: after Aunt Becky and Uncle Jesse got married, they moved into a really nice apartment that she was paying for, and literally two seconds later, they got manipulated into moving back into the Full House. Like, the catalyst for them moving back in is that the baby of the family cried and said she missed Uncle Jesse. Can you imagine that? Getting forced back into an overfilled boarding house because of a baby? Was Aunt Becky just a doormat in this relationship or did she move in to a place to cut costs so she could buy the twins admission to USC (ba dum tss)? I mean, I get Joey living there. With or without the Full House, he was set to be perpetually single. Any man whose job involves fisting a puppet in front of children is doomed for a life of celibacy. But Aunt Becky could’ve fled, and honestly, so could’ve Uncle Jesse had he ever grown out of his
failing struggling rockstar phase. Having to move into the Full House a day into your marriage is grounds for annulment. Also, did I mention, f*ck Uncle Joey?
Ryan and Marissa from ‘The O.C.’
This relationship only lasted as long as it did because it was propelled by these characters’ toxic traits. Ryan’s toxic trait is him having to be the white knight in every situation to the point where he sacrifices himself, and Marissa’s toxic trait is that she sucks. Having a killer wardrobe, brooding, and saying, “Hey” every other word is not a personality. That being said, I still loved watching the drama she got herself into. Every single relationship that girl got into was just to piss off her mom, probably because she was bitter that her mom was a way more interesting character who was actually funny. The only relationship Marissa had that I liked was with Volchok because, well, he was hot and they had hate sex, which again, is hot. Everything about it was hot until he, ya know, killed her. Ryan actually seemed like a good person, but just went overboard with helping others to the point where he got himself into some sh*tty situations and I stopped feeling bad for him. Honestly, most high school relationships aren’t #couplegoals or whatever because we were all weird, insecure, hormonal teenagers in high school. Even though Ryan and Marissa were a sh*tty couple, The O.C. still f*cks (except for Taylor Townsend and Oliver. Them I could do without).
Nathan and Haley from ‘One Tree Hill’
One Tree Hill was the most ridiculous show to me because it’s an alternate reality. There is absolutely nothing realistic about that show, and yet they half-assedly tried to make us believe that we could relate to their “high school struggles.” The most amusing thing to me was that basketball team would play games with Gavin f*cking DeGraw in the background. When have you ever gone to a basketball game and heard that?? Also, what was up with Brooke having a wildly successful fashion line at the age of 12 and a guy named CHAD writing a successful novel at such a young age? F*cking CHAD. And the craziest part of that alternate reality was that Nathan and Haley got married at 16 and a crazy amount of people supported it. I remember one episode when they were just dating, and Haley nearly broke up with Nathan because HE WATCHED PORN. Like, in 2019, it would be nearly impossible to date a guy that DOESN’T watch porn. And then Nathan got his child bride pregnant at a wildly young age, and again, no one really batted an eye. Did I mention she went into labor during her valedictorian speech? That’s insanity to me. Can someone please pass me a blunt? Because writing about these couples is bumming me out and I can’t afford Botox to get rid of stress wrinkles.
Ross and Rachel from ‘Friends’
My main takeaway from Friends is that they all had such an arrested development that they would almost never deviate from that friend group. That’s too bad, because the only one who did deviate from the group was Phoebe when she married Paul Rudd, and that was the best relationship on the show. And do you know why that was the best relationship on the show? Because it didn’t enable this arrested development. Also, because it’s Paul Rudd. I’m happy that Monica and Chandler found someone to be extra annoying to, because no other self-respecting person would tolerate either of them. Rachel was one of the only characters I liked, so it sucked to see her consistently roped back into a romance with a mopey, immature weenie whose life’s passion was DINOSAURS. And I never understood why he was totally cool with the mother of his child moving to France with their baby, and the only reason he stopped Rachel was because he still was in love with her. Wait, what? Your baby is going to live in another continent, but you’re fixated on getting your ex back in the most selfish and inappropriate way possible, thusly making her look unprofessional by giving up a job with one of the biggest designers on the planet? I just can’t get over the fact that this dude stopped regarding his son from a previous marriage halfway through the series and then wasn’t really thinking about his daughter when she was moving to another continent. I’m calling it: Ross is a loser.
Jim and Pam from ‘The Office’
The Office had some great couples, and the top two were Michael and Holly and Phyllis and Bob Vance. Dwight and Angela were definitely bad for each other at times, but I genuinely believed both changed for the better and belonged together. Ryan and Kelly were totally wrong for each other but amazing to watch as well. But Jim and Pam? Uhhhhh, no. It’s not like I actively hate them because it’s not even worth having strong feelings about since they’re overall inoffensive. But I definitely don’t think they’re meant to be. Jim was a catch in that he was funny and tall. But Pam? I cannot remember one time where she made me laugh, and I’ve seen that show so many times. I honestly do not get why Jim romanticized her so much. Besides making fun of everyone at Dunder Mifflin, literally what did they talk about? The only things I ever saw them talk about were getting annoyed by their coworkers or getting sappy with each other because they bonded over getting annoyed with their coworkers. That does not a marriage make! And yet somehow it did.
However, I do admit that bonding over hating the same people is borderline erotic and can count a form of foreplay. Still, I have no idea what Jim and Pam would do with themselves after moving to Austin if they can’t sh*t-talk their coworkers anymore. Jim would have no cameras to awkwardly look at, and I’m sure he had to take a long, hard awkward look at his sham of a marriage instead.
Cory and Topanga from ‘Boy Meets World’
Okay, first off, I never bought it when Cory and Topanga insisted that they fell in love in the fourth grade. I don’t get why that kept trying to sell us that wildly inappropriate and nonsensical storyline. Kids at that age find romantic pleasure by making their action figures or dolls f*ck alone in a corner during recess. That’s the only instance. I don’t get how you can marry someone who you started dating in middle school, either. Remember your 12-year-old self? Would you trust someone that fell in love with the dweeb that you probably were at that age? I know I wouldn’t. And don’t most people experience personal growth, thus making it difficult to stick with the person you awkwardly slow danced to during the entirety of “Stairway to Heaven” at a middle school dance? I mean, my college boyfriend and I are so different from who we were back then that we would have literally nothing to talk about today. Cory and Topanga are both great people, but any relationship that blossomed from middle school or high school and ended up in marriage makes no sense to me.
Images: Netflix; Giphy (7)
It’s been weeks since news of the celebrity college admissions scandal broke, and it’s still one of the biggest stories in the news. While I’m not surprised that any of this stuff was happening behind closed doors, the scandal has still been shocking for different reasons. First of all, I never thought I would be this invested in the life of a teenage YouTuber. I hate to admit it, but I care deeply about what’s going on with Olivia Jade. In the past couple of weeks, there have been dozens of stories and rumors going around about Olivia and her family, and it’s tough to keep track of what’s going on. Let’s do our best to run through the most important Olivia Jade stories that have been going around.
First off, Olivia allegedly isn’t talking to her parents, and is staying with her model boyfriend, Jackson Guthry. Olivia’s friends are apparently urging her to reconnect with her parents, because they maintain that Aunt Becky and Mossimo were just trying to do what’s best for her. I feel like if her parents really wanted to do what’s best for her, they made a few small mistakes. Like, maybe they should’ve let her develop a work ethic on her own, and also maybe they shouldn’t have committed felonies that would end up humiliating her publicly and ruining her career. But then again, her mom does duck face in pictures, so maybe she went to the Regina George’s Mom School of Parenting, and just didn’t know any better. She probably paid half a million dollars to get in there, too.
Olivia’s own friends might be the only ones who are supporting Olivia’s parents, because her parents’ friends are reportedly distancing themselves because they’re “so disgusted.” Um, I’m sorry, but buying your kids a college degree is far from the biggest scandal in Hollywood. I wonder if all these rich people were as quick to react when their friends got #MeToo’d. But Danny Tanner is standing by their side, and I’m sure Uncle Joey is too. I bet they think the whole thing is despicable, but based off Full House, they’ll take whatever they can get in terms of friends. John Stamos has yet to make an official statement, and the Olsen twins probably don’t remember who Lori Loughlin is.
It’s reported that Olivia feels like she’s a victim in the situation. Look, the way society works these days is that every week, we find a new witch to burn at the stake for the sake of entertainment, and to feel better about ourselves. Right now, Olivia and her parents are said witches. I’m sure a lot of people would disagree that she’s a victim, but she didn’t even want to go to college in the first place—her parents actually made her do it. She wanted to focus on her beauty brand, and is now losing deals left and right. Love her or hate her, she actually worked to build her brand, and now she’s watching it crumble. If she really didn’t know what her parents were doing, I actually sort of buy that she’s a victim here.
Olivia and her sister have also reportedly dropped out of USC because of “bullying.” I totally buy this, because I would probably do the same thing if I was in their situation. USC said they were resolving whether or not the students involved in the scam should stay or go on a “case-by-case” basis, but they are claiming these girls haven’t dropped out…? Wait, what? So my guess is that Olivia Jade and Bella leaving is more of a “You can’t fire me because I quit!!” scenario to save face.
The media is also doing whatever they can to unearth past info on Olivia and Bella (oh, that’s her sister we keep forgetting about, BTW!). Bella apparently was on the lower spectrum of the average expectations for students admitted to USC but there’s no word on Olivia’s grades. However, this rando YouTuber said she went to the same school as Olivia Jade for ONE WHOLE WEEK, and while they never spoke at all, she’s pretty sure Olivia didn’t do that well if she was off making videos and mingling at NYFW instead of doing six hours of homework every night. Okay, chill. There’s no way you were actually doing six hours of homework every night in high school. Let me just say again that this chick never even spoke to Olivia Jade. Does breathing the same air as a celeb mean that you’re an accurate resource for their personal life? If so, stay tuned for my upcoming YouTube video where I talk about whether or not Kylie will be friends with Jordyn again, because one time my cashier at Urban Outfitters modeled with them for Yeezy, so I apparently have the authority to talk about it.
Ok it’s been 2 weeks where is Olivia Jade’s apology video
— CJ (@chaneljanssen) March 24, 2019
So we don’t really know about Olivia’s high school accomplishments, but she did say on a radio show that she loves when teenagers DM her for advice on applying to college. First off, young, impressionable, innocent girls, here’s your college admissions life hack: TALK TO YOUR COLLEGE COUNSELORS, NOT A YOUTUBER MAJORING IN COMMUNICATIONS. While this is distressing, I’m more surprised that Olivia actually reads those DMs. I thought they’d be lost amongst requests from guys who live in their moms’ basements berating her looks or asking for feet pics, but I guess she actually sees (and reads?!) those DMs from her fans. I can barely bring myself to respond to people from my college or randoms messaging me on LinkedIn trying to ~network~. Either she’s a really good samaritan who would deign to give BS college advice (which I doubt) or she doesn’t even engage with said DMs but is trying to make herself look relatable and wholesome by saying she’s DMing these fans.
Since the scandal broke, Olivia and Bella have been lying low—no social media posts, no paparazzi shots, nada. Bella’s profile is on private, and sources close to Olivia Jade claim she says that she’s also “staying off social media.” And by “staying off social media,” I mean she’s probably only posting Instagram stories using the close friends feature. THE STRUGGLE. My shrink always says to me, “Instagram isn’t reality, it’s just a highlight reel.” But what could Olivia possibly be highlighting right now? She won’t even go out in public. However, her boyfriend’s Instagram comments section is lit with zingers like “How much did Olivia Jade pay you to get in her?” Maybe be a good boyfriend and turn off the comments for Olivia’s sake, dude.
Sources are also claiming that Olivia Jade’s application for a trademark request got rejected because it had poor punctuation. Um, okay. I believe Olivia filled out that trademark request herself as much as I believe she filled out her own college applications (she didn’t). She’s said before that she has an assistant (again, WHY do you need college?), so I’m sure someone else filled out the thing.
Live look at Olivia Jade filling out legal paperwork:
The rejection also said the request was too vague about what beauty products she wanted to hawk. They wanted her to be more specific than just saying “concealer” and “lip kits.” As someone who uses her fingers to apply makeup, I don’t see how much more specific you can get, but YouTube beauty gurus are in a league of their own. I’ve seen these makeup tutorial videos. They’re so complex, and involve such finesse that I’m pretty sure these influencers could have been asked to paint the Sistine Chapel if they were alive back then. Meanwhile, I’m wearing mascara from CVS and haven’t bought foundation in like, a year.
Okay, glad we’re finally all caught up on Olivia Jade. I definitely deserve an edible and a nap after writing an essay that involved more research than Olivia Jade ever did during her time at USC. I’m still impatiently waiting for her or someone from her family to make a public statement, but until then, rumors and TMZ reports will have to do.
Images: @enews / Instagram; @chaneljanssen / Twitter; Giphy (2)