I consider myself a realist. Therefore, I do not expect the room decor of a 20-year-old male to resemble that of an IKEA showroom. Most people, in fact, don’t expect to be blown away by the interior decorating skills of a college boy, and would be really impressed if they even had a fitted sheet on their bed. What I’m trying to say is that the expectations are LOW.
That being said, whether heinous or slightly less heinous, a guy’s room “decor” (and I use that term loosely) can reveal a lot about him and tell you the kind of f*ckboy you’re dealing with. Without further ado, let’s judge a book by its cover.
SAFTB Flag
It’s only fair to begin with the most common f*ckboy room staple piece. This flag is like the male equivalent of having a tapestry from Urban Outfitters. The “Saturdays are for the Boys” (SAFTB) flag is the epitome of douchebaggery, especially if it ever gets brought out in public. If you’re in college, you’ve definitely experienced the SAFTB flag f*ckboy and the type of sh*t he likes to pull. Drunk texting you annoying sh*t while you’re out with your friends. Making you Uber to his house at 2am, only to pass out in a puddle of half-eaten pizza and his own vomit, leaving you outside shivering in your cop top. And, god forbid, actually muttering the words “Saturdays are for the boys”. Basic decor. Basic f*ckboy.
Records/Music Walls
The problem with this type of guy is that he thinks he’s “edgy” and “different” when in reality he fails to notice that Frank Ocean and The Lumineers are not, in fact, underground artists. This f*ckboy will likely attempt to model his outfits after, like, Tyler the Creator, and he’ll own more cross-body fanny packs than you do. He will pretend not to notice you whenever he has his AirPods in and will sh*t talk you for listening to Adele. You may have a few fun dates and convince yourself that you’re ~branching out~ with both your taste in men and music, but before you know it you’ll grow exhausted of his pretentious conversation topics, drop him, and start to crave trash pop music again.
Beer Boxes
At least one wall in every f*ckboy’s dorm/apartment/house is covered in boxes from whatever beer is the cheapest rack at the local liquor store. Unless he’s in a frat, in which case, at least two walls will be plastered with beer boxes. Anyone with eyes can see this “decor” is just trash taped to a wall, but this f*ckboy sees this collection as a point of pride, and not an ode to all the empty calories he’s consumed that semester (not to mention, all the brain cells killed).
This is the guy who thinks getting blackout drunk is a personality trait. He will always be found at the party next to the keg, being weirdly protective over it and criticizing everyone’s pours. He’ll sh*t on you for liking White Claw, but drink Natty Light like it’s water. The one upside of this guy is that he’s generally pretty fun to party with if you’re both hammered… until he inevitably gets way too hammered. He’s a great date for any events or mixers up until the point when he gets way too drunk, vomits in front of all your friends, and you’re stuck apologizing for the drunken idiot you now have to force into a cab because he insists he’s “fine”.
Excessive Sports Pennants/Posters
Though also incredibly basic, the excessive sports regalia f*ckboy is not to be confused with the SAFTB f*ckboy. This guy actually cares enough about a specific team to display a flag/logo/whatever in their room, whereas the SAFTB f*ckboy is just slapping the universal symbol for misogyny on their wall. The excessive sports paraphernalia is a dead giveaway that this is the kind of f*ckboy who peaked on his high school basketball team and will probably tell you stories about games and constantly claiming he “could’ve gone D1.” Sure, Chad.
When it comes to a room drowning in fan gear, certain cities will spell doom for you. For example, if he is from Chicago or backs Chicago teams, be prepared to hear him whine about sports teams that consistently suck. This guy will probably have a minor gambling addiction and ignore your texts during football games while he loses a few hundred dollars. If he’s from Boston, get ready for a giant superiority complex.
“Witty” Political Posters
Political posters signal a f*ckboy who took a single political science class and suddenly thinks he’s smarter than you. Picture Connor Roy from Succession. This guy will allllways have piping-hot “hot takes” that are really more half-baked than hot. He’ll ask to not use a condom after saying he doesn’t support Planned Parenthood, or refuse to pay for dates because “capitalism is a scam” or some sh*t, and he will generally talk to you like you’re inferior. No matter what side of the aisle he finds himself on, you can bet that he will hang up a few political posters. But pay attention to the specifics, because those are the most revealing. For example, if he has a JFK poster, he’s likely from the East Coast, and any money he’s spent on you probably came right out of his parents’ pockets. A Reagan/Bush ‘84 poster means he saw it on another guy’s T-shirt once, and he only identifies as a conservative because his parents do.
This obviously isn’t a definitive list, and I’m not saying that there isn’t still hope for these guys. But the sad reality is that most of us are dealing with some disturbing hodgepodge of all of the above f*ckboy traits. May we pray that one day these guys evolve and branch out to something a bit more civilized. Like a wall of LaCroix boxes or an Anthropologie candle.
Images:manny PANTOJA / Unsplash; Giphy (2); @barstooluconn (Instagram: 1)
About five weeks ago, I left school to head back to my hometown of Cleveland, Ohio. As I speed-packed my whole room up, I tried to come up with a list of positives about this situation. The one silver lining I could think of was that we would be removed from f*ckboys. In fact, maybe f*ckboys would spend this time recovering, and just like nature, they too could begin the process of healing. They are the virus.
Fast forward five weeks and I swear to God, every fifth text I get from one of my friends is bitching about f*ckboys. Some have even gone as far as to pitch their stories to me as ideas for another article (and while I appreciate the help, I sadly have enough content from my day-to-day interactions). It seems like f*ckboys have taken quarantine not as a time to better themselves, but as a time to strengthen their ability to be the absolute worst.
Not to rip off Carrie Bradshaw, but all of these stories had me thinking, have the f*ckboys gotten stronger and bolder in the Q? Or, have they been like this all along and we are just now beginning to notice it?
Like the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, the Five F*ckboys of Quarantine have come riding in on pale horses, ushering in a new period of sh*ttiness in dating. But I would never dream of leaving you unprepared for navigating f*ckboys in these trying times, so here’s my guide to the five f*ckboys of quarantine.
The Ghost: Quarantine Edition
Definition: We all know what ghosting is, so you shouldn’t really need an explanation. The CDC is learning more about COVID-19 every day, and your f*ckboy expert (me) had the privilege of learning first-hand about how much of a blow to the ego it is to get ghosted while social distancing. Ghosting right now should be a felony—like, honestly it might be on par with murder. Here’s the thing, even f*ckboys know this, so ghosting in quarantine looks a little bit different than in real life.
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How to spot them: Unlike a guy who ghosts you like, in normal conditions, this guy is more of a flake than a straight-up Ghost. We all need attention, he just likes to float around and get this attention from different girls. Babes, I’m sorry to say this: but he isn’t too busy, he isn’t “bad at Snapchat,” and he certainly just “didn’t see your text.” Like all of us, he has nowhere else to go and nothing else to do. You know you’re being ghosted (quarantine edition) if:
⭐︎ Your snap is left on delivered or open for 20+ hours—he got the notification and is waiting for you to get the hint.
⭐︎Every few days, he comes back around. We call this haunting. You’ll exchange a few vague snaps back and forth. It’s because he wants to keep his options open. (I fall for this often, please be better than me.)
⭐︎If/when quarantine ends, he’ll probably try to resume his normal schedule of contacting you, as if he wasn’t shady for the entirety of this crisis, especially if you were talking before.
How to deal with them: As smart, self-sufficient, and socially distant betches, we have no time for being ghosted. As hot as he is, and as much as you enjoy texting him, all you’re doing by trying to keep the Snap streak alive is hurting yourself. It’s sad but very, very true. You’re locked inside and there’s no reason to make yourself more miserable than necessary. If you think you’re stuck in this pattern but can’t tell, stop initiating conversations and see what happens. You may not get the answer you want, but at least you know not to waste your precious emotional energy.
The Boomerang
Definition: Quarantine has given us all a little bit of time to think about our behavior—even I have recently come to question some of the actions I have taken over the last few months. As someone prone to overthinking in normal circumstances, I know that the combination of stress + a lot of time alone can lead to regret and the urgent desire to make amends for past behavior. Adding in the fact that we are almost all drinking alone right now means that even f*ckboys (whom we previously thought incapable of remorse) want to repair what they have already broken. Enter: The Boomerang.
How to spot them: You know the guy who fell off the face of the planet and killed your Snap streak, but continues to watch your Insta story? This is him. All of a sudden, Mr. Disappeared-Into-Thin-Air is back, and more interested than ever—but don’t get used to his presence. You’ll know he’s a Boomerang if:
⭐︎ He sends you a text that says, “How’s your quarantine…” followed by one that says “I probably owe you an explanation” or any variation of that.
⭐︎ While initially it seemed like he was all in and willing to give round two a ton of effort (i.e., FaceTime dates, responding to you right away, ensuring that he is definitely not Snapchatting other girls), this behavior will change after a few days.
⭐︎ After about a week, the slow fade you’re familiar with may start, and this is how we know the cycle of ghosting is beginning yet again.
How to deal with them: Boomerangs are meant for mind games, and they absolutely aren’t meant to be around for a long time—that’s, like, the whole point of them. If this guy is someone who completely f*cked you over in the past, and you’re looking to start a little drama or you need some excitement, literally ask him why he ghosted you. Show him the receipts. Go the whole nine f*cking yards (and please send me screenshots). If he ghosted you and you didn’t really care, enjoy some light flirting, but as soon as you start developing feelings or this goes too far, send him on his way.
The Fake Boyfriend
Definition: As excited as I am for all of the rom-coms about our time in quarantine to be made next winter, we have to remember that our daydreams about meeting a boy over Ship in quarantine and falling in love are fiction. As lovely as it may be to have a pen pal or two while you’re stuck in the Q, there’s a slim chance that your new love connection will survive more than a week in the real world.
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How to spot them: A Fake Boyfriend goes way too deep way too soon, and maybe this is because we legit have no choice but to get to know each other for our personality but also, like, maybe not? You know you’ve got yourself a Fake Boyfriend if:
⭐︎ Like a Boomerang, he jumps right in with the FaceTime dates, virtual happy hours, and, if he happens to be quarantined at home, you may even be ~lucky~ enough to meet his family. However, all of this will probably happen at a way faster rate than normal, because like, what else is there to do?
⭐︎ He ensures you that you’re the only girl who is getting the girlfriend treatment, and there’s a chance he’s not lying, but you never know.
⭐︎ We are nowhere near this yet, but as soon as quarantine ends, you’ll get an “I’m just not ready for anything serious right now” text. Shocker.
How to deal with them: Listen, none of us are in the position to be rejecting attention right now, especially if you’re as bored as I am. However, I don’t advise investing a lot of emotional energy in a fake boyfriend. Talking is fun, especially in times like these, but don’t put too high of a premium on his behavior. If this does happen to be a guy you think you can have a real connection with and you grow to really like, maybe try to go out together one or two times once we are allowed to, like, be around each other again and see if your relationship can withstand the test of human interaction.
The One Who Doesn’t Understand Social Distancing
Definition: We always knew that some f*ckboys were not as smart as the rest of us, but this guy takes the cake. He may acknowledge the severity of the situation, but he without a doubt thinks he is immune to COVID, is treating this as an extended vacation, and “is really excited about being back with the boys” when he returns home. Dude, no.
How to spot them: On the surface, you can tell he might be, like, kinda trying to practice effective social distancing. He sure is all about it on Insta stories, which we love to see. However, he doesn’t fully understand that now is not the time to drink with your friends in person, even from six feet away in your backyard, and especially not if you are doing this with a different group of people every night. Example behaviors are:
⭐︎ Posting a picture of him holding a Corona on his story, because he is really witty, and captions it, “day four of quarantine.” As a bonus, this picture got posted on April 15th which is, like, five weeks after your state enacted stay at home orders.
⭐︎ Even more bonus points if the previous slide on his story is a picture of him and his bros, and they definitely are less than six feet apart.
⭐︎ When he starts to talk to you it might just seem like the normal quarantine flirting… until he asks you to come over… and is serious… and doesn’t get the problem with the request.
How to deal with them: In the immortal words of Meghan Trainor, “My name is no, my sign is no, my number is no, you need to let it go.” Every time he invites you over, respond with an emphatic no and send a link explaining the benefits of social distancing. If this behavior continues, you may want to explain to him—very slowly—why he is part of the problem and how social distancing works. IDC how good the sex is, if you’re reading this you are way too smart to put yourself at risk over (admit it) a mediocre-looking f*ckboy.
The Aspiring Influencer
Definition: I get it, when the only other people you interact with are your siblings it’s easy to think like you really have your sh*t together, but this doesn’t make you an influencer. I honestly thought that only basic girls (myself included—I’m not not wearing a tie-dye set rn) and the boys who take mirror selfies at the gym would fall into internet traps during quarantine, but I was wrong. Guys who seemed relatively normal before this started are acting like they think they’re influencers. And, if there’s one thing our society does not need right now, it’s a ton of frat guys with Dad bods promoting their TikTok-inspired SoundCloud remixes.
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How to spot them: It starts with that Bill Clinton record challenge exposing their super basic music tastes, maybe they even do a push-up challenge (not complaining about that one), but all of a sudden their social media usage has spiraled out of control. Weird, he didn’t post a picture of you together from your last date party because he “doesn’t really use social media,” but all of a sudden he is the most active user you follow. You’ve got an Aspiring Influencer on your hands if:
⭐︎ He started posting lame oversexualized attempts at doing TikTok dances and challenges. Guys, if any of you see this, I need you to know that it’s an app made for 15-year-olds. Please stop thrusting your hips and commenting on underaged girls throwing it back. It’s creepy and problematic. Thanks.
⭐︎ He genuinely thinks his vlog-style Snapchat story bitching about how he doesn’t have lukewarm beer/Vat/or pot at home is the height of comedy. However, these posts would only be funny if he was being sarcastic and that’s just not something that’s in reach of his mental capacity.
⭐︎ He’s posting more thirst traps than a girl who got really hot after a breakup. No shade, I just want to know where these guys’ ability to look normal/hot in pictures was when I was trying to show their instas to my friends and the best option I had was a picture of them from 2017 holding a fish.
How to deal with them: These f*ckboys are blatantly on the hunt for attention in these trying times, and, honestly, aren’t we all? While they are ultimately pretty harmless and funny to sh*t-talk with your friends, if you’re talking to an Aspiring Influencer, know that they are likely talking to other girls and that this new persona they have adopted will probably live on past quarantine. There’s really no harm in continuing to talk to them, but just remember that their ability to be genuine is comparable to their ability to do the Renegade dance: abysmal.
These behaviors could all be adapted to the real world. However, the constant ability for f*ckboys to surprise us just confirmed what we already knew: the devil works hard, but f*ckboys work harder… that is, when it comes to screwing girls over.
In any other situation, I would advise against engaging with f*ckboys. However, these are not usual times and we all deserve a little bit of excitement and drama in our lives. Especially when we have run out of trashy dating shows to live vicariously through. As always, I am here to empower and validate your actions while still providing you with the information that will help you make smarter choices when it comes to f*ckboys.
Everyone is super #stressed right now, and honestly, we don’t need the added hassle of toxic d*ck. Have fun, but remember to avoid the f*ckboys who make you feel sh*tty. Just because your ex is hitting you up doesn’t mean that you’ll feel good after talking to him. And of course, under NO circumstances am I giving you permission to violate social distancing in order to see a f*ckboy!
Images: Thom Holmes / Unsplash
“I’m not shocked, just disappointed.” – My dad, after I drove my car into the fridge in our garage. Also, me when I realized there were even more types of f*ckboys to write about.
If you recall, a few months ago, I wrote an article about 6 types of f*ckboys you are likely to meet in college. Honestly, we should have known that my initial list was not comprehensive by any means. As dumb as most college-aged guys are, they’re super innovative when it comes to things like making bongs out of random objects and screwing over women. And, like that one scientist said, species must change if they are going to adapt and survive.
First things first, I’m going to refer to the original article a few times throughout this one. Think of this as a higher-level class and the original post like a prereq. If you haven’t read it yet, you might want to go back and read it first.
You’ve dealt with the basic f*ckboys. Now it’s time to educate yourself on the advanced level f*ckboys.
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link in bio to listen us tell you How To Spot A Fuckboy | @taylajacksonn @abbiabbeyabby
The Wannabe F*ckboy
Definition: If a classic f*ckboy is the king, the wannabe f*ckboy is like the guy who plays the trumpet every time the king enters a room. He’s a total bro, in the ironic sense of the word, and lives to impress his friends. For reasons that elude understanding, he genuinely wants to be a f*ckboy, but he just doesn’t have it in him.
AKA: “Brad’s Wingman,” “The Funny Friend,” or, “The Less Hot One.”
Where to find them: Hyping Brad up for beer pong and awkwardly standing near his friends…poor guy.
How to spot them: His outfits are either a little dorkier than a typical f*ckboy’s or make him look like he’s dressing up as a douchebag for Halloween. He wears shorts in the winter and loooves his Miami Heat LeBron Jersey, even though he isn’t from Miami, and LeBron plays for the Lakers now.
You know he’s a Wanna-Be F*ckboy if:
-He’s always forced to be the wingman. And I mean always.
-He tells you, mid-hookup, that he’s, “kind of a f*ckboy so you shouldn’t get attached.” As if you were planning on it. Like, okay, Jordan, thanks.
-Despite telling you not to get attached, after you hook up, he becomes super obsessed with you and texts you all the time.
-He tries really hard to be funny because it’s usually the only way he gets attention.
-He introduces himself by his last name or a nickname he came up with that no one else uses.
How to deal with them: Like a classic f*ckboy, you know what you’re getting into with this one. Unlike a classic f*ckboy, you might actually enjoy being around him when he isn’t trying to seem like an asshole. But don’t forget, him making you laugh a few times behind closed doors doesn’t make him any less likely to stop trying to get his friends to think he’s hot sh*t. Usually that means making gross comments about women and actively trying to hook up with other girls in public.
A wannabe f*ckboy will try to justify his behavior with the fact that he’s still messed up from when his eighth-grade girlfriend was in love with a high schooler. Maybe one day he’ll go to therapy and sort out why he feels the need to seek out Brad’s approval, but until then, he’s not worth your time.
The Sugar Daddy In Training
Definition: Kind of like a finance bro, yet somehow dumber. He likes preppy clothes, has good taste in restaurants, is incredibly out of touch for a 21-year-old, and has no problem swiping his daddy’s credit card.
Where to find them: They’re probably in the business school and are likely in a frat (even though they’re too snobby to drink Natty Light). They like to go to bougie restaurants on the weekend as their version of a pregame.
How to spot them: A sugar daddy in training will be wearing dark-wash jeans, an expensive watch, and a name-brand shirt. Bonus points if he has an Off White or Gucci belt! These guys are often overly nice but have a bit of a creepy vibe as a result of their low-key sugar daddy energy.
You’ll know you’re involved with one if:
-You’re not even dating, but he takes you to really nice restaurants and offers to pay for the full meal.
-You say no to plans because you have to study, and he brings up that he’s paying as if that will make your exam not matter. But like… is he wrong?
-He orders absurd drinks at your sh*tty college bar and requests top-shelf alcohol. In reality, he can’t tell the difference between Patron and Jose Cuervo.
-He’ll always pay for your drinks, which is kind of cute. But he acts like it’s his own money (it’s not) and like you owe him something in return. You literally never ever ever ever owe a boy for drinks or anything else!!
How to deal with them: A sugar daddy in training might be fun. They usually have some personality and honestly, as a broke college student, a free meal might be hard to pass up. However, getting involved with these guys can get pretty icky pretty fast. If you do choose to hook up with these guys, more power to you, but the minute he starts treating you like you owe him sh*t or using a date to pressure you into anything, walk tf away.
The One Who Just Broke Up With His Long-Term Girlfriend
Definition: After a two-year relationship, homeboy is single and not-so-ready to mingle. The types to be in these long-term relationships when they’re super young tend to be serial daters. However, the trauma of a breakup (which was probably not his idea) makes him lose all sense of self.
Where to find them: Blacking out EVERYWHERE. At a bar. In a frat house. During a tailgate. On a Tuesday afternoon. It’s like Green Eggs and Ham, but if it were about Natty Light and taking shots.
How to spot them: Well ladies, sad to say, but these guys often dress in civilian clothing, which makes it hard to tell whether or not he’ll ruin your life. He’s going to be acting like a 15-year-old boy who was put in charge of grocery shopping: all impulse control, no rationality.
Here’s how you can tell when a breakup is about to turn a boy into a total douche:
-He hooks up with any girl with a pulse, just because he can.
-He talks about how great “freedom” is. A lot.
-Because he’s a “relationship guy,” he ends up getting into a long-term thing with, like, the fifth girl he hooks up with post-breakup.
-He calls his ex “crazy,” but still talks about her allll the time.
-He likes to remind you he just got out of a long-term relationship and isn’t looking for anything serious. This likely happens right after he asks you to sleep over for the third time that week.
How to deal with them: Repeat after me: you are not his therapist! He’s not looking for his next girlfriend, he’s looking for some form of stability as he attempts to get over his last relationship. I’m sorry to break it to you, but you’re probably not the only life raft he’s grabbing on to, if you know what I mean. If you have any expectations from him beyond a rebound hookup, you’re playing yourself.
The One With Super Close (Girl) Friends
Definition: If a guy is spending all of his time with a girl and claiming they’re “just friends,” it might be true, but he could also be full of sh*t. There’s nothing inherently wrong with having friends of the opposite sex, however, more often than not, at least one of them has some not-so-platonic feelings.
To get this out of the way: “Babe, you don’t need to worry about her, seriously she’s just a friend,” is only okay when I say it, k?
Where to find them: At every sorority event as someone else’s date, surrounded by girls at the bar, helping his ‘friend’ do random sh*t throughout the day.
How to spot them: He dresses exactly how every girl wants a guy to dress, and that’s because his girlfriends are there to pick out his outfits. This guy is charismatic and good with girls, but it’s only because he has a whole squad of (gorgeous) girl friends always by his side.
He might be in love with one of his friends, or vice versa, if:
-He gets really jealous when any guy talks to one of his girl friends.
-There’s a weirdly sexual/romantic part about one of his “friends” in every story he tells.
-He has blatantly admitted to hooking up with one of his “good friends” in the past, but now “she’s just a friend.”
-If you do ask about any of the girls, he gets really defensive and kind of gaslights you into thinking you’re crazy for being a little jealous.
-His girl friends are not fans of yours and have made that extremely clear to either him or you.
-His friends are the type of girls who hang out with guys “because there’s less drama.” *Barf.*
How to deal with them: First of all, never give him an ultimatum unless you’re really ready to walk away from him, because 99 times out of 100, he will pick his so-called friend over you. The best way to figure out what the deal between him and his alleged BFF is would be to try (in a way that isn’t overly crazy) to become friendly with her. You’ll be able to tell if either of them gets uncomfortable. If it comes to a point where you are in a real relationship, and he always picks her over you, walk away.
The One Who Glowed Up
Definition: Maybe he lost a ton of weight, got a good haircut, or finally started taking Accutane. But, overnight, the sweet, ugly-ish guy you used to flirt with for notes in Intro to Econ started looking really f*cking good. You and your friend walked past him this semester, and you had to ask if that was actually Adam. It was, and at some point recently, he went through a hugeeee transformation.
Where to find them: These guys typically can be found near a bar, or at a frat party, they’re always seeking out places they can find girls, just to show off their new looks.
How to spot them: Guys who just got hot can occasionally be hard to tell apart from classic f*ckboys. At a darty (or anywhere where it is semi-socially acceptable), they’ll be shirtless. If they aren’t, they’re wearing something that really screams for attention. After all, why work would they work that hard to get hot if girls still won’t give a sh*t about them?
You can tell he is very aware of his new good looks if:
-He goes from being almost like a puppy dog in your presence to acting like he thinks he’s too cool for you.
-He always blows you off for gym sessions.
-If he gets caught flirting (or, worst-case scenario, hooking up) with someone else, he tries to excuse it by blaming his actions on his new self-confidence.
-He’s like a vegan now or on some equally as obnoxious diet to keep up his new look.
How to deal with them: I would say he needs a significant blow to his ego, but it seems just mean to take something away that he worked so hard for. If you can find a way to subtly let him know that he’s not the greatest thing to grace this planet, let me know, because I haven’t really figured out how to do that without being a massive b*tch.
Listen, as someone who has fallen victim to many a f*ckboy in the last 2.5 years, I don’t suggest avoiding them altogether. Not only is it pretty much impossible, but I actually find f*ckboys totally fascinating. You can learn a lot from getting involved with a f*ckboy, that’s what college is about after all, learning. However, to prevent emotional fallout, you must know how to deal with them and put them in their place.
If you have more f*ckboy stories to share (whether or not they relate to these categories), write-in to the @offcampus insta stories or email them to [email protected].
Images: Eliott Reyna / Unsplash; offcampus / Instagram; Giphy
Even though my majors are communication and poli-sci, my true love is anthropology. Think of me as a millennial Jane Goodall, but instead devoting my life to studying the behavior of chimpanzees in Tanzania, I’m studying the behavior of douchebags on campus. (Same thing, really.)
When you spend a long time living among another species, you start to become an expert in their mannerisms and might even adopt some of their behaviors (which in the case of f*ckboys, I strongly advise against).
Listen, I’m not saying I’m a saint, but I have learned a lot about living amongst, interacting with, and falling for f*ckboys the hard way, so hopefully you won’t have to. If anything positive has come from my experiences with these ~lovely~ young men, it’s my vast knowledge on the subject. Think of this as an Anthropology 101 textbook, except you’ll actually learn something from reading it.
F*ckboys rarely fit neatly into one of the following categories and new breeds of them are popping up every day, so beware. If you have ever been personally victimized by a f*ckboy and want him to be roasted on the Off Campus podcast, make sure you send your story to [email protected]
The Classic F*ckboy
Definition: Let’s start with the basics. Every kind of f*ckboy is pretty much some variation of the Classic F*ckboy. Despite sucking, he probably has one or two redeeming qualities such as being good in bed, being reeeeally f*cking hot, or always paying for your shots. He isn’t subtle at all about being a mega-asshole and actually takes pride in it. Gross.
Where to find them: Classic F*ckboys come out anywhere they can find girls and alcohol.
How to spot them: Like I said before, these lovely individuals aren’t at all subtle about being f*ckboys. They have some pretty clear red flags, and even though I feel like I don’t need to spell them out, they include:
-You see him hook up with someone else at a party, even though you guys are “talking.”
-He’s f*cked over a lot of people you know, and all of your friends have warned you about him.
-He’ll text/Snap you at 3am after pretending not to see you at a party both of you attended that night.
-He begs you to not use a condom and insists he is “too big for them.”* LOL, yeah right.
*PSA: Never fall for this bullsh*t!! F*ckboys in particular are rarely “too big” for a condom (call it karma), but regardless, condoms come in so many sizes that this excuse will ALWAYS be a lie.
How to deal with them: Classic F*ckboys are, hands down, the best of the f*ckboys to get involved with since you kind of know what you’re getting into. I know every girl dreams of finding a boy who is a massive douche to everyone except for her, but when you’re fishing from a pool of college boys with raging hormones, that can be hard. A Classic F*ckboy is the next best thing by default. However, don’t think you can change a Classic F*ckboy and for the love of God, please DO NOT have unprotected sex with him.
The Frat Star
Definition: Close your eyes and envision the worst frat guy you know. You’re probably thinking of a specific letter-wearing, Natty light-drinking, jump-off-the-roof-into-a-folding-table type of asshole. This is the guy who believed joining a frat would make girls forget he’s kinda ugly and has the personality of drywall.
Where to find them: Frat Stars can be found in their fraternity house basement, sitting on the fence or roof at a darty, and walking in big herds of people who look exactly like them.
How to spot them: Frat Stars are pretty hard to miss. During the day, they’ll be wearing joggers, khakis, or salmon shorts (depending on the season) topped off with a fugly shirt that says “Fall Rush 2019” or something similar. At night, his uniform changes to a sports jersey and jeans or whatever outfit coordinates with their party’s theme. You’ll know a guy is a Frat Star if:
-He unironically says, “Saturdays are for the boys” even one time.
-He lives in his frat’s house.
-His primary form of communication is snap DMs that say “party at the house tn.”
-His “brothers” only refer to him as something that fully isn’t his first name.
-He’s always aggressively challenging other guys to beer pong.
How to deal with them: Frat F*ckboys are pretty low risk since they’re super easy to spot. If, for whatever reason, you’re into a Frat Star, just ignore him. He’s probably never been rejected in his life, so that will totally freak him out and he’ll fall in love with you. Just remember, like the Classic F*ckboy, you can’t change a Frat Star and no, they don’t grow out of it after graduation.
The Finance Bro
Definition: Finance Bros are similar to the previous two types of f*ckboys, but this category really applies to anyone with a superiority complex. A Finance Bro’s main differences are they wholeheartedly believe they are way smarter than everyone else (#fakenews), and are a liiiittle less obvious about being f*ckboys.
Where to find them: Finance Bros mostly hang out in the business school or the library. If for no other reason, they do this to maintain the facade their major is soooo much harder than everyone else’s (but let’s be real, what’s so hard about entering numbers into an Excel spreadsheet). They’re probably also in a frat.
How to spot them: The go-to uniform of Finance Bros is a name-brand tee shirt and khaki shorts (year-round). Basically, they’re repping any douchey look that screams, “my dad got me a sick internship at Goldman this summer!” Their actions are pretty similar to those of obnoxious bros everywhere, including:
-Constantly negging you in ways that go way too far or genuinely insult you.
-Always having one AirPod in, even when you’re speaking to him.
-Not shutting up about how hard his major is, but skipping class at least ⅓ of the semester.
-Refusing to make an actual commitment to you because his real girlfriend is his summer internship/job prospect/Excel spreadsheet.
How to deal with them: Finance Bros are constantly negging and rarely show anyone else respect. Honestly, I’m kind of a fan of negging (mostly because drunk me thinks flirting = being an asshole), but it’s definitely not a respectable way to try and get women. If a guy is negging you to the point that you feel disrespected, walk away, because he’s a piece of sh*t. The fact that his major means he will probably be rich down the line doesn’t mean you have to put up with bullsh*t. (Plus, he’ll probably end up in jail for white collar crimes/in trouble with the SEC at some point anyway.)
The One with The High School Girlfriend
Definition: This one should be pretty self-explanatory: he and his girlfriend decided to stay together and try a long-distance relationship when in reality, they probably won’t last past Breaksgiving*. F*ckboys with high school girlfriends either hide their relationships completely or claim to be in an “open relationship.” Either way, they’re bullsh*tting you.
*Breaksgiving: the holiday that overlaps with Thanksgiving break, during which many high school couples that tried to stay together break up.
Where to find them: These super sh*tty guys walk among normal people, so they could be literally anywhere. They’re usually freshmen (but there’s often a weird outlier who’s a junior with an uncomfortably young girlfriend), and you’ll probably meet him at a bar or party.
How to spot them: Generally, people in committed relationships who are seeking something outside of said relationship are pretty sus. If you suspect he has a girlfriend, look out for any of the following behaviors:
-He shuts down any and all conversations about his hometown or high school friends.
-The same girl is all over his Insta/Facebook/phone background but he never explains their relationship (friend, family, girlfriend, etc).
-He never posts pictures with you, and if you post something of you together, he untags himself and/or doesn’t like or comment.
-He goes MIA when he is home for breaks.
How to deal with them: Let’s be very clear: you are entirely off the hook unless you know he has a girlfriend and continue to pursue him. If you do get a little sus, bring it up ASAP. Asking for clarity doesn’t make you crazy or clingy, but try not to initiate that conversation when you’re belligerently drunk, otherwise it may come off that way.
Honestly, just thinking about being in this situation gives me full-on anxiety sweats.
If you find out he has a girlfriend, you should stop talking to him. As the great Lizzo said, “I will never, ever, ever, ever, ever be your side chick.” Plus, you don’t want to get involved in a ridiculous situation because that’s literally so high school.
The Bencher
Definition: Benchers are hands down the worst type of f*ckboy since there’s no good way to avoid them until it’s too late. Trust me, I’ve been there. Basically, his M.O. is acting like your boyfriend for some time before pseudo-ghosting you, apologizing, and then starting the cycle over.
Where to find them: Since Benchers come off as relatively normal guys, there’s really no one place you’ll find them, thus making them that much harder to avoid. A Bencher might be your lab partner, standing behind you in line for the bar, or being introduced to you by a mutual friend. Yikes.
How to spot them: The only thing you can really count on with a Bencher is that he isn’t going to act or dress like Classic F*ckboy, so sadly, I can’t offer much in that area. I can tell you that you’re probably being benched if:
-He cancels all of your plans at the last minute with totally valid excuses and before you know it, he’s been blowing you off for a full week.
-Any time you hang out, it’s late at night and totally on his terms.
-When you’re finally moving on from him, his spidey senses tingle, and he texts you asking to hang.
-He wants all of the benefits of a relationship but won’t commit to you.
-He’ll apologize for being a dick, promise to change, then make no adjustments to his behavior.
How to deal with them: The first time it happens you must say, “Thank U, Next.” As someone who fell for a Bencher more times than I can count, it’s super unlikely he will change his behavior. Get out before it becomes a seemingly unbreakable cycle and you end up crying to the bartender after a few too many tequila sodas…not that I’ve been there before or anything.
The Nice Guy™
Definition: Nice Guys™ get their degrees in convincing unsuspecting girls that they aren’t f*ckboys. A friend once told me the “nice” in Nice Guys™ stands for Neurotic, Insecure, Clingy, and Emotional. Basically, they live to victimize themselves and have total Ross Geller syndrome. I’m not saying every boy is a f*ckboy, but hey if the shoe fits…
Where to find them: Nice Guys™ are everywhere, although you typically won’t find them pounding shots in a bar or spilling cheap beer on you in a frat basement.
How to spot them: Most other types of f*ckboys come with bright red flags, which is unfortunately not the case here. You know you’re dealing with a Nice Guy™ if:
-He’s been in multiple relationships but claims that breakups were never his fault, aka he’s somehow always the victim.
-He expects you to act like he created peace in the Middle East when he offers to buy you breakfast the next morning.
-He won’t commit to you because he has “intimacy issues” from when his ninth-grade crush didn’t like him back.
-He’ll freak out and tell everyone you’re a bitch if you end things with him.
-He says any of the following: “it seems like girls just want assholes,” “I’m different than other guys,” or, my personal favorite, “I’m a nice guy.”
How to deal with them: Not to get all emotional, but the sheer possibility that someone might end up being an asshole isn’t necessarily a good reason to write all guys off. That said, proceed with caution—Nice Guys™ typically hide all of the normal warning signs until you’re in too deep, and you don’t want to end up being blindsided. If and when you do fall for a Nice Guy™, just remember, you’re not the first and you won’t be the last.
My best advice as a whole for when you decide to dip your toe into the truthfully unimpressive dating pool of guys at your college/university is to listen to and trust your friends’ opinions. You’re likely to have some different groups you’re a part of, be in different clubs, etc., so your friends may know something about a guy that you don’t and could be a deal breaker.
Although it’s annoying as f*ck to hear your friends put down the guy you’re shamelessly obsessed with, do your best to take what they’re saying seriously. A true friend isn’t trying to ruin your chances with a guy, they just have your best interest at heart. At the end of the day, they’re not the ones being blinded by attention and good sex, you are, so they definitely have a more holistic view of the situation. Most importantly, friends don’t let friends fall for f*ckboys; remember that the next time you see one of your girls about to leave the party with the guy she swore off last weekend.
Images: sharonmccutcheon / Unsplash; offcampus (3) / Instagram
It’s no secret that for most people, dating is a dumpster fire of an experience. Many of us have wasted months, sometimes years, on a “relationship” as likely to succeed as Jax and Brittany’s marriage. Maybe you tried to have a mature and thoughtful DTR conversation and were met with some version of “I don’t want to put a label on things” or “I’m just not ready for a relationship,” or you’re too afraid to broach the subject because deep down you know the answer will be some version of either. Even when you do take a break from the app hellscape, it seems like every person you like eventually pulls the same crap. How do you break the cycle if you’re fed up with the merry-go-round and looking for something more serious? Lucky for you, Dr. Betchina George* has some advice.
DON’T Just Take What You Can Get
If you’re reading this, there’s a good chance that at some point you’ve found yourself waiting to hear from a person you like for longer than is reasonable. Maybe, like my younger self, you’ve even gone so far as to delete his or her number from your phone and consider such person dead a lost cause. Of course, as soon as you proceed to get on with your life, the deadbeat in question miraculously resurfaces, whether it’s with a last-minute request for a date or a booty call well after you have made plans with friends (or, better yet, your couch). As much as you may want to respond and make yourself immediately available, resist the urge. Why? Because doing so reinforces a mentality of scarcity. Relationship expert and certified bae, Matthew Hussey, explains that when we operate out of a mindset of scarcity, or a fear that we don’t have other options, we allow ourselves to accept behavior that is bad or less than what we deserve. It’s self-defeating because the person you’re trying so desperately to hold onto will end up valuing you less. Don’t settle for someone who is not willing to invest in you. Someone who is worth it will gladly do so, and someone who is not will disappear, freeing you up for the right someone. You may need to wait it out and be alone for some time, and if so, you should learn to get comfortable with that, which brings me to my next point.
DO Keep Yourself Occupied
When I was in graduate school and experiencing a particularly dry spell in my dating life, I picked up a copy of The Rules, a book detailing, you guessed it, rules that a woman should follow to attract the right kind of men. Though I found most of the advice to be outdated and problematic, one idea stuck with me: the importance of staying busy. The authors advise the reader to keep busy before a date to avoid too much pressure and expectations. I would go further and argue that the idea of keeping busy should be applied more broadly to the life of any single person looking to meet a partner. So many of us become consumed with the anxiety of finding someone that it permeates almost every aspect of our lives, with virtually every outing tinged with the hope of meeting someone interesting. Instead of enjoying ourselves and our friends, we anxiously survey the crowd hoping to make a connection, and if we don’t, we feel disappointed and even more anxious. It’s important to prioritize yourself and the things that you enjoy doing, even and especially when those things have nothing to do with the pursuit of a romantic partner. When you immerse yourself in the activities you enjoy, the pressure starts to lift, and you begin connecting with your authentic self, making you far more likely to attract the right kind of people. What’s more, you’ll be an even better partner when the time is right because you’ve cultivated a sense of independence that exists outside the context of a relationship.
DON’T Mistake Anxiety for Butterflies
Too often, we make excuses for the sh*tty men people in our lives by insisting that all is okay because the doucher in question “gives us butterflies.” Unfortunately, this problematic idea is perpetuated in pop culture generation after generation. One notable example is in the Sex and the City episode “I Love a Charade,” which ends with one of Carrie’s more nauseating quotes, which you’ve likely come across on Instagram courtesy of the annoying girl from high school you still inexplicably follow: “Some people are settling down, some people are settling, and some people refuse to settle for anything less than butterflies.” Carrie dubs this feeling “zsa zsa zsu” (vom) and proclaims that she definitely has it with Jack Berger, a man who eventually dumps her via a Post-it Note. What Carrie was actually experiencing was insecurity from not knowing where she stood, yet like many women before her, she mistook that unsettling feeling in the pit of her stomach for euphoria. Equating uncertainty with excitement is on par with telling young girls that the boys who are mean to them “like them.” It’s untrue at best, and incredibly damaging at worst. Instead of encouraging such feelings of anxiety, we need to recognize them for what they are: a red flag. Conversely, we also need to reprogram ourselves to stop writing off every guy that treats us with respect as “boring.”
DO See A Therapist
Often, the pattern of pursuing dysfunctional relationships over functional ones stems from a fundamental feeling of inadequacy or unworthiness. In other words, the feeling that you don’t deserve a loving and healthy relationship. This belief is often subconscious, so it’s worth doing the hard work in therapy to get to the root of the issue. Working with a good therapist is an excellent way to overcome untrue and limiting beliefs, because it allows you to recognize the thoughts and feelings that spur your actions and recognize and reprogram the negative patterns of behavior that no longer serve you. An objective third party can help you see where you are making the same mistakes, and why you are doing it, and empower you to course correct and take control of the dissatisfying parts of your life. Yes, therapy is a commitment of both time and money, but who better to invest in than your badass self?
DO Practice Self-Love
I know it sounds touchy-feely, but hear me out. We have all heard some version of the old cliche that you can’t love another person until you love yourself. But WTF is self-love? Self-love is the process of coming to love yourself without conditions. It sounds simple, but few of us do it in practice. Start paying greater attention to your thought patterns. You’re likely to find that you beat yourself regularly with all the ways you aren’t good enough. Maybe you think you’d be more attractive to others if you were______ (prettier, skinnier, more outgoing, insert your go-to flaw here). Maybe you torture yourself by making comparisons to others who seem “perfect.” Whatever the ritual, it’s cruel and hardly the way you would treat someone you care about. So why is it okay to do it to yourself? It’s also important to forgive yourself for your past. Maybe you dated someone who was emotionally abusive, or your partner cheated on you. Whatever the “failure,” it’s important to acknowledge it, forgive yourself, release it and grow from it. The more you give yourself a break, the way you would with anyone else you love, the more likely you are to attract healthier partners and prevent future self-sabotaging behaviors.
If there’s one theme I hope you take away from this article, it’s that you must always value and invest in yourself. Each of us deserves the kind of relationship that makes us happy, whether it’s totally casual or completely serious. Sound off in the comments if you have any other tips on how to break the f*ckboy cycle.
*Not an actual doctor.
Images: Brooke Cagle / Unsplash; Giphy (5)
If you’re like me, you are struggling in all aspects of life right now, and chief among those aspects is dating. Look, I did the whole relationship thing from when I was a little baby college freshman until a year ago, with several selfish *ssholes nice guys and, call me crazy, but it just isn’t for me. However, I’m not so jaded from disappointing boyfriends that I have officially sworn off the Charlotte York in me. I’m just living my Samantha Jones truth right now, so I hope the days of my mom reading everything I write stop at the end of this paragraph. If not, it was nice knowing you mom!
Being broke in a city where a dollar slice is actually $5.50 (lookin’ at you Manhattan), dating is actually great because you get to get drunk AF discover hidden gems and pay $0. However, dating in New York (and any other place) can also be, um, challenging because this God-forsaken city is as full of Halal carts as it is weird f*cking dudes who think trivia on dates is chill. UNSUBSCRIBE. The worst part is that, unless he shows up to the date in like flip-flops or something, it can be difficult to distinguish between guys who suck and ones who don’t. Luckily for you, I’ve dated enough genuine pieces of sh*t to let you know which types of guys to avoid out there in the wild. Good luck.
The Guys’ Guy
When a guy is tight with his boys, it’s pretty cute. When a dude is obsessed with his frat brothers, it’s pretty annoying. I’m all for eternal brotherhood and everything (am I, though?), but if I’m 25 years old and sitting across from you at Bar Primi, I don’t give a sh*t about your fraternity now, later, or tomorrow. If a guy’s most interesting story starts with “When we were abroad,” delete his number immediately, because we already know all about the European way of life from Pulp Fiction, and don’t need it retold to us via someone who isn’t Vincent Vega. But be sure to remember the details of the story, so you can laugh about what an idiot he is with your friends at brunch. Unless you’re down to sit in misery pretending to give a sh*t watch him play Fortnite every time you go to his apartment, run, don’t walk, away. This dude doesn’t know what he wants, but it’s definitely not a relationship with a complex individual like yourself. Boy bye!
The Mama’s Boy
Similar to guys who are close with their friends, those who are close with their mothers can also be cute within reason. It can also be f*cking weird, so pay close attention. As Freud said, a dude’s relationship with his mom sets the foundation for all of his future exchanges with queens like yourself, so if his mom does his laundry, calls him 87 times a day and/or thinks you’re a bad influence because you have more than one piercing in your ear, you’re f*cked and this guy is going to die alone unless his mommy outlives him. Freud said that, right?
The Recently Single Guy
If a guy and his longtime girlfriend just broke up, the odds aren’t ever in your favor. There is no success on your horizon in any area of this ~relationship~ because, contrary to his good acting skills, he is as over his ex as he is into you, which is not at all. This is the kind of guy who will likely save your number in his phone as the name of the bar where you drunkenly made out while your friends took photos met. Not speaking from personal experience or anything. It just happens. Whatever. Anyway, I have to say, I can’t blame this guy for not wanting to console me as we watch Titanic, or whatever the f*ck else boyfriends do, if he just broke up with someone. Think about how mentally taxing (and great, life-affirming, meaningful, blah, blah, blah) a relationship is. Now think about how mentally taxing a breakup is. That’s where this guy is right now, so stop adding sh*t to your Zara cart in preparation for the day he introduces you to his friends. You is kind, you is smart, you is a rebound. Is it too late now to say sorry?
The Single Forever Guy
Or as I and all women like to call them, f*ckboys. We’ve all come into contact with a f*ckboy and kept letting him buy us jack and cokes after he has exhibited a raging swarm of red flags because we thought we could change him. No? Alone again? Awesome sauce! Speaking objectively here, if a guy is in his mid- to late-20s and has never had any semblance of a serious relationship, steer clear. If you’re about to go at it in the comments and defend these guys, you are currently dating a f*ckboy. There is a reason for his never taking the same girl to work functions, and it usually starts with fear of commitment. If my AP Psych class taught me anything, it’s that fear usually manifests itself in an unpleasant experience. For example, I am afraid of heights because I drunkenly plummeted slipped off the bar my chair at the neighborhood bar and grill near my university. But what has a 20-something dude who has never dated anyone ever legitimately committed to that sprang upon him this fear of commitment? His nightly FIFA games? As Orange Is the New Black’s songstress and felon Taystee Jefferson would say, “That’s some bullsh*t.”
The Stage-5 Clinger
You know when you go on a few dates with someone you’re actually fairly into and then he suddenly ghosts you and you’ve lost all faith in humanity? Same, girl. The only way to restore your faith in the male race is via someone who actually texts you back and doesn’t assume you’re still playing the field after three months of pretending to think his display of empty liquor bottles is a neat art installation. Is this too much to ask? Are we setting the bar too high here? I think not. The problem with the guys who seem normal and not at all a**holes tend to take it too far, too fast. These clingers are the types of unstoppable morons who don’t even know how to pronounce your last name, yet and are already out here saying things like “I can’t wait for you to meet my family.” No thanks! I literally have a friend who dated someone who actually had the audacity to say on a first date, “I can see myself marrying you,” WHAT THE ACTUAL F*CK? This isn’t Meet the Contestants night of The Bachelorette, where saying things like that is kind of okay. Bottom line is stage-5 clingers are not to be f*cked with and that is all I have to say about that.
Images: Shutterstock; Giphy (2)
Today is Justin Bieber’s birthday, and birthdays are a perfect time for reflection. Justin is 24 now, but has he really grown up at all? It’s a perfect time to look back on the past year in Justin’s life, and ask the all-important question: is Justin Bieber a fuckboy? Obviously he was in the past, but does time really heal all wounds? Let’s see.
Justin didn’t put out new music of his own in the last year, but he was featured in a few big songs, most notably “Despacito.” Justin sings in Spanish on the song, but we were unsurprised to learn that he didn’t really know the words at all. Lots of people took offense at Justin supposedly mocking Hispanic culture, which is definitely something a fuckboy would do. We’re just getting started, and already it’s not looking good for Justin.
Fuckboy Points: +1
Last summer was a weird one for Justin Bieber. He was still on his Purpose World Tour, but he announced in July that he was canceling the rest of the tour dates due to mysterious “unforeseen circumstances.” His manager posted on Instagram saying that the dates were canceled to protect Justin’s “soul and well-being” and John Mayer also came to his defense. As much as it sucks for the fans, mental health is incredibly important, and we don’t know all the details of what Justin was going through. Unfortunate, but not a fuckboy move.
Fuckboy Points: -1
Soon after canceling the tour, Justin found comfort in the form of the Lord Jesus Christ. Lol same. He started spending a lot of time with his creepy hipster Pastor Carl Lentz, and he also got a cross tattoo on his fucking face. There were even rumors that Justin and Pastor Carl were ~romantically involved~ but I guess it just wasn’t what the Lord intended. So is Justin a fuckboy for Christ? Through God, all things are possible.
Fuckboy Points: +1
All of this other stuff is great, but clearly the most important thing that happened to Justin Bieber this year was his much-publicized reunion with Selena Gomez. Selena dumped The Weeknd sometime back in October, and within days had apparently rekindled her flame with Justin. They started going to church together (so pure!), which was just what they needed to go back to the way things were.
Fuckboy Points: 0 (Getting back with your ex while she’s on the rebound is undoubtedly a fuckboy move, but Church seems (dare I say) wholesome, so they cancel each other out.
But Selena’s mom wasn’t having it. Mama Mandy didn’t invite Justin to the Gomez family Christmas in Texas, and she was reportedly even hospitalized over the stress of her daughter getting back with him. While all of this is evidence that Selena’s mom is a huge fucking drama queen, does it mean that Justin is also a fuckboy? Yes. Yes it does.
Fuckboy Points: +1
So, is Justin Bieber a fuckboy? For those of you with basic arithmetic skills, you’ll notice our final fuckboy points count is at two, which is more than zero, which points to fuckboy status. I have nothing personal against Justin (slide into my DMs anytime), but if your girlfriend’s mom is so scarred from the relationship that she’s going to the hospital, you probably did something wrong. In the past five years, Justin has given us plenty of evidence that he’s a major fuckboy, and people don’t change overnight. He may have a beautiful, tatted body and the voice of an angel, but don’t be fooled. Justin Bieber is still a fuckboy, sorry ’bout it.
Images: Giphy (3); Justin Bieber / Instagram
Since it’s still 2017 and everything is trash (especially the new tax bill), it’s highly likely that the guy you’re seeing/currently chatting with on whatever fucking dating app is hot right now (I can’t keep up) is a complete and total fuckboy. If you need a refresher on the telltale signs of fuckboy-ery please read here, and if you remember what dating was like in a pre-fuckboy world, please hit me up with your stories of a better time. The horrors of dating over the past few years have wiped all my memories and forced me into a state of being that’s kind of like having a never-ending cold: like, I know there was once a time where I could breathe through my nose find a nice guy, but now I can’t remember what it felt like and damn was I an asshole for not appreciating the times when I could take a deep breath without coughing had options.
By now, we should all know better than to spend time on a guy that texts only after 9pm, has never introduced you to his friends, or is “morally opposed” to being in photographs (that’s some class-A bullshit). But just as technology has advanced, so has the fuckboy. So it’s time my friends, that we look beyond the obvious Dean Unglert-like moves, and watch out for these three more advanced fuckboy tactics: because if they’re getting smarter, we’d better start getting more suspicious.
1. Following Up On Old Leads
If he slow-faded you months ago but resurfaced on a random Wednesday night because he was “thinking about you” and was “wondering how you’ve been,” it’s not because he missed you. It’s because he just finished watching Sportscenter, is tired of swiping, and decided to browse through his contacts hoping to bring an old lead back to life (for like two dates, max). Hopefully you read his text while lying in bed with your fabulous new bf and you can respond with a quick couples selfie and say “‘I’ve been great, thanks for asking!”, but if not, just block his number and find your own new lead.
2. The String Along
Avoiding making actual hangout plans is classic fuckyboy, but the true artistry is when they catch you just as you are about to give up—and give you just enough slack to real you back in. Maybe it’s been a week, or maybe you’re a true sucker and have been holding out for like a month, but it’s in our nature to get excited when a guy we thought had lost interest pops back up. It’s always the day after you stopped hoping it was him, and it’s always, ALWAYS the sign of an advanced fuckboy. Don’t give in to the string along: if he doesn’t straight-up make plans, call his ass out and block his damn number.
3. The Casual Party Invite
It can be v exciting when a new boy invites you to a party. Obviously your mind will go somewhere like, “his friends are going to be there, omg he wants me to meet his friends,” or “he wants to be seen with me in public, he must be marriage material!” But since it’s 2017 (where all dreams go to die), I’m about to ruin that one for you as well: Beware of the party invite, because if he’s a class-A fuckboy (which, let’s be honest, he probably is) he definitely sent that exact same text to his last five Tinder matches.
Tbh, if you have to ask if he’s a fuckboy, he probably is. Unless you’re like me and you just assume all men are fuckboys until they prove to you otherwise. Anyway, hope this helped.
