About five weeks ago, I left school to head back to my hometown of Cleveland, Ohio. As I speed-packed my whole room up, I tried to come up with a list of positives about this situation. The one silver lining I could think of was that we would be removed from f*ckboys. In fact, maybe f*ckboys would spend this time recovering, and just like nature, they too could begin the process of healing. They are the virus.
Fast forward five weeks and I swear to God, every fifth text I get from one of my friends is bitching about f*ckboys. Some have even gone as far as to pitch their stories to me as ideas for another article (and while I appreciate the help, I sadly have enough content from my day-to-day interactions). It seems like f*ckboys have taken quarantine not as a time to better themselves, but as a time to strengthen their ability to be the absolute worst.
Not to rip off Carrie Bradshaw, but all of these stories had me thinking, have the f*ckboys gotten stronger and bolder in the Q? Or, have they been like this all along and we are just now beginning to notice it?
Like the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, the Five F*ckboys of Quarantine have come riding in on pale horses, ushering in a new period of sh*ttiness in dating. But I would never dream of leaving you unprepared for navigating f*ckboys in these trying times, so here’s my guide to the five f*ckboys of quarantine.
The Ghost: Quarantine Edition
Definition: We all know what ghosting is, so you shouldn’t really need an explanation. The CDC is learning more about COVID-19 every day, and your f*ckboy expert (me) had the privilege of learning first-hand about how much of a blow to the ego it is to get ghosted while social distancing. Ghosting right now should be a felony—like, honestly it might be on par with murder. Here’s the thing, even f*ckboys know this, so ghosting in quarantine looks a little bit different than in real life.
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How to spot them: Unlike a guy who ghosts you like, in normal conditions, this guy is more of a flake than a straight-up Ghost. We all need attention, he just likes to float around and get this attention from different girls. Babes, I’m sorry to say this: but he isn’t too busy, he isn’t “bad at Snapchat,” and he certainly just “didn’t see your text.” Like all of us, he has nowhere else to go and nothing else to do. You know you’re being ghosted (quarantine edition) if:
⭐︎ Your snap is left on delivered or open for 20+ hours—he got the notification and is waiting for you to get the hint.
⭐︎Every few days, he comes back around. We call this haunting. You’ll exchange a few vague snaps back and forth. It’s because he wants to keep his options open. (I fall for this often, please be better than me.)
⭐︎If/when quarantine ends, he’ll probably try to resume his normal schedule of contacting you, as if he wasn’t shady for the entirety of this crisis, especially if you were talking before.
How to deal with them: As smart, self-sufficient, and socially distant betches, we have no time for being ghosted. As hot as he is, and as much as you enjoy texting him, all you’re doing by trying to keep the Snap streak alive is hurting yourself. It’s sad but very, very true. You’re locked inside and there’s no reason to make yourself more miserable than necessary. If you think you’re stuck in this pattern but can’t tell, stop initiating conversations and see what happens. You may not get the answer you want, but at least you know not to waste your precious emotional energy.
The Boomerang
Definition: Quarantine has given us all a little bit of time to think about our behavior—even I have recently come to question some of the actions I have taken over the last few months. As someone prone to overthinking in normal circumstances, I know that the combination of stress + a lot of time alone can lead to regret and the urgent desire to make amends for past behavior. Adding in the fact that we are almost all drinking alone right now means that even f*ckboys (whom we previously thought incapable of remorse) want to repair what they have already broken. Enter: The Boomerang.
How to spot them: You know the guy who fell off the face of the planet and killed your Snap streak, but continues to watch your Insta story? This is him. All of a sudden, Mr. Disappeared-Into-Thin-Air is back, and more interested than ever—but don’t get used to his presence. You’ll know he’s a Boomerang if:
⭐︎ He sends you a text that says, “How’s your quarantine…” followed by one that says “I probably owe you an explanation” or any variation of that.
⭐︎ While initially it seemed like he was all in and willing to give round two a ton of effort (i.e., FaceTime dates, responding to you right away, ensuring that he is definitely not Snapchatting other girls), this behavior will change after a few days.
⭐︎ After about a week, the slow fade you’re familiar with may start, and this is how we know the cycle of ghosting is beginning yet again.
How to deal with them: Boomerangs are meant for mind games, and they absolutely aren’t meant to be around for a long time—that’s, like, the whole point of them. If this guy is someone who completely f*cked you over in the past, and you’re looking to start a little drama or you need some excitement, literally ask him why he ghosted you. Show him the receipts. Go the whole nine f*cking yards (and please send me screenshots). If he ghosted you and you didn’t really care, enjoy some light flirting, but as soon as you start developing feelings or this goes too far, send him on his way.
The Fake Boyfriend
Definition: As excited as I am for all of the rom-coms about our time in quarantine to be made next winter, we have to remember that our daydreams about meeting a boy over Ship in quarantine and falling in love are fiction. As lovely as it may be to have a pen pal or two while you’re stuck in the Q, there’s a slim chance that your new love connection will survive more than a week in the real world.
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How to spot them: A Fake Boyfriend goes way too deep way too soon, and maybe this is because we legit have no choice but to get to know each other for our personality but also, like, maybe not? You know you’ve got yourself a Fake Boyfriend if:
⭐︎ Like a Boomerang, he jumps right in with the FaceTime dates, virtual happy hours, and, if he happens to be quarantined at home, you may even be ~lucky~ enough to meet his family. However, all of this will probably happen at a way faster rate than normal, because like, what else is there to do?
⭐︎ He ensures you that you’re the only girl who is getting the girlfriend treatment, and there’s a chance he’s not lying, but you never know.
⭐︎ We are nowhere near this yet, but as soon as quarantine ends, you’ll get an “I’m just not ready for anything serious right now” text. Shocker.
How to deal with them: Listen, none of us are in the position to be rejecting attention right now, especially if you’re as bored as I am. However, I don’t advise investing a lot of emotional energy in a fake boyfriend. Talking is fun, especially in times like these, but don’t put too high of a premium on his behavior. If this does happen to be a guy you think you can have a real connection with and you grow to really like, maybe try to go out together one or two times once we are allowed to, like, be around each other again and see if your relationship can withstand the test of human interaction.
The One Who Doesn’t Understand Social Distancing
Definition: We always knew that some f*ckboys were not as smart as the rest of us, but this guy takes the cake. He may acknowledge the severity of the situation, but he without a doubt thinks he is immune to COVID, is treating this as an extended vacation, and “is really excited about being back with the boys” when he returns home. Dude, no.
How to spot them: On the surface, you can tell he might be, like, kinda trying to practice effective social distancing. He sure is all about it on Insta stories, which we love to see. However, he doesn’t fully understand that now is not the time to drink with your friends in person, even from six feet away in your backyard, and especially not if you are doing this with a different group of people every night. Example behaviors are:
⭐︎ Posting a picture of him holding a Corona on his story, because he is really witty, and captions it, “day four of quarantine.” As a bonus, this picture got posted on April 15th which is, like, five weeks after your state enacted stay at home orders.
⭐︎ Even more bonus points if the previous slide on his story is a picture of him and his bros, and they definitely are less than six feet apart.
⭐︎ When he starts to talk to you it might just seem like the normal quarantine flirting… until he asks you to come over… and is serious… and doesn’t get the problem with the request.
How to deal with them: In the immortal words of Meghan Trainor, “My name is no, my sign is no, my number is no, you need to let it go.” Every time he invites you over, respond with an emphatic no and send a link explaining the benefits of social distancing. If this behavior continues, you may want to explain to him—very slowly—why he is part of the problem and how social distancing works. IDC how good the sex is, if you’re reading this you are way too smart to put yourself at risk over (admit it) a mediocre-looking f*ckboy.
The Aspiring Influencer
Definition: I get it, when the only other people you interact with are your siblings it’s easy to think like you really have your sh*t together, but this doesn’t make you an influencer. I honestly thought that only basic girls (myself included—I’m not not wearing a tie-dye set rn) and the boys who take mirror selfies at the gym would fall into internet traps during quarantine, but I was wrong. Guys who seemed relatively normal before this started are acting like they think they’re influencers. And, if there’s one thing our society does not need right now, it’s a ton of frat guys with Dad bods promoting their TikTok-inspired SoundCloud remixes.
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How to spot them: It starts with that Bill Clinton record challenge exposing their super basic music tastes, maybe they even do a push-up challenge (not complaining about that one), but all of a sudden their social media usage has spiraled out of control. Weird, he didn’t post a picture of you together from your last date party because he “doesn’t really use social media,” but all of a sudden he is the most active user you follow. You’ve got an Aspiring Influencer on your hands if:
⭐︎ He started posting lame oversexualized attempts at doing TikTok dances and challenges. Guys, if any of you see this, I need you to know that it’s an app made for 15-year-olds. Please stop thrusting your hips and commenting on underaged girls throwing it back. It’s creepy and problematic. Thanks.
⭐︎ He genuinely thinks his vlog-style Snapchat story bitching about how he doesn’t have lukewarm beer/Vat/or pot at home is the height of comedy. However, these posts would only be funny if he was being sarcastic and that’s just not something that’s in reach of his mental capacity.
⭐︎ He’s posting more thirst traps than a girl who got really hot after a breakup. No shade, I just want to know where these guys’ ability to look normal/hot in pictures was when I was trying to show their instas to my friends and the best option I had was a picture of them from 2017 holding a fish.
How to deal with them: These f*ckboys are blatantly on the hunt for attention in these trying times, and, honestly, aren’t we all? While they are ultimately pretty harmless and funny to sh*t-talk with your friends, if you’re talking to an Aspiring Influencer, know that they are likely talking to other girls and that this new persona they have adopted will probably live on past quarantine. There’s really no harm in continuing to talk to them, but just remember that their ability to be genuine is comparable to their ability to do the Renegade dance: abysmal.
These behaviors could all be adapted to the real world. However, the constant ability for f*ckboys to surprise us just confirmed what we already knew: the devil works hard, but f*ckboys work harder… that is, when it comes to screwing girls over.
In any other situation, I would advise against engaging with f*ckboys. However, these are not usual times and we all deserve a little bit of excitement and drama in our lives. Especially when we have run out of trashy dating shows to live vicariously through. As always, I am here to empower and validate your actions while still providing you with the information that will help you make smarter choices when it comes to f*ckboys.
Everyone is super #stressed right now, and honestly, we don’t need the added hassle of toxic d*ck. Have fun, but remember to avoid the f*ckboys who make you feel sh*tty. Just because your ex is hitting you up doesn’t mean that you’ll feel good after talking to him. And of course, under NO circumstances am I giving you permission to violate social distancing in order to see a f*ckboy!
Images: Thom Holmes / Unsplash
Today is Justin Bieber’s birthday, and birthdays are a perfect time for reflection. Justin is 24 now, but has he really grown up at all? It’s a perfect time to look back on the past year in Justin’s life, and ask the all-important question: is Justin Bieber a fuckboy? Obviously he was in the past, but does time really heal all wounds? Let’s see.
Justin didn’t put out new music of his own in the last year, but he was featured in a few big songs, most notably “Despacito.” Justin sings in Spanish on the song, but we were unsurprised to learn that he didn’t really know the words at all. Lots of people took offense at Justin supposedly mocking Hispanic culture, which is definitely something a fuckboy would do. We’re just getting started, and already it’s not looking good for Justin.
Fuckboy Points: +1
Last summer was a weird one for Justin Bieber. He was still on his Purpose World Tour, but he announced in July that he was canceling the rest of the tour dates due to mysterious “unforeseen circumstances.” His manager posted on Instagram saying that the dates were canceled to protect Justin’s “soul and well-being” and John Mayer also came to his defense. As much as it sucks for the fans, mental health is incredibly important, and we don’t know all the details of what Justin was going through. Unfortunate, but not a fuckboy move.
Fuckboy Points: -1
Soon after canceling the tour, Justin found comfort in the form of the Lord Jesus Christ. Lol same. He started spending a lot of time with his creepy hipster Pastor Carl Lentz, and he also got a cross tattoo on his fucking face. There were even rumors that Justin and Pastor Carl were ~romantically involved~ but I guess it just wasn’t what the Lord intended. So is Justin a fuckboy for Christ? Through God, all things are possible.
Fuckboy Points: +1
All of this other stuff is great, but clearly the most important thing that happened to Justin Bieber this year was his much-publicized reunion with Selena Gomez. Selena dumped The Weeknd sometime back in October, and within days had apparently rekindled her flame with Justin. They started going to church together (so pure!), which was just what they needed to go back to the way things were.
Fuckboy Points: 0 (Getting back with your ex while she’s on the rebound is undoubtedly a fuckboy move, but Church seems (dare I say) wholesome, so they cancel each other out.
But Selena’s mom wasn’t having it. Mama Mandy didn’t invite Justin to the Gomez family Christmas in Texas, and she was reportedly even hospitalized over the stress of her daughter getting back with him. While all of this is evidence that Selena’s mom is a huge fucking drama queen, does it mean that Justin is also a fuckboy? Yes. Yes it does.
Fuckboy Points: +1
So, is Justin Bieber a fuckboy? For those of you with basic arithmetic skills, you’ll notice our final fuckboy points count is at two, which is more than zero, which points to fuckboy status. I have nothing personal against Justin (slide into my DMs anytime), but if your girlfriend’s mom is so scarred from the relationship that she’s going to the hospital, you probably did something wrong. In the past five years, Justin has given us plenty of evidence that he’s a major fuckboy, and people don’t change overnight. He may have a beautiful, tatted body and the voice of an angel, but don’t be fooled. Justin Bieber is still a fuckboy, sorry ’bout it.
Images: Giphy (3); Justin Bieber / Instagram
A few things happen as one glides gracefully (or, in my case, not at all gracefully) through her twenties: you find out you can no longer drink a full bottle of tequila without ending up in a body bag; you realize Forever 21 bodycon dresses are flattering on exactly no one, and, my personal favorite, you just stop giving a fuck about what people think. And by “people,” I mean every fuckboy who’s told you, at 9:23pm on a Friday, to meet him at a just-above-shitty bar, where he’ll proceed to “generously” ply you with vodka soda after vodka soda, after which he’ll order an Uber and escort you back to his kingdom…aka, the crappy fourth floor walk-up he shares with two guys from his college lacrosse team.
What. A. Gentleman.
In my Oprah-esque quest for basic bitch brand spiritual enlightenment, I recently decided to make some changes. In addition to switching from 12 iced coffees and a cheese stick per day to one kombucha and an organic cheese stick per day (#mybodyisatemple), I committed to living out the one piece of advice even Buddha did not think of: “You teach people how to treat you.” (Thanks for that, Dr. Phil.)
The universe must have been listening, because this email landed in my inbox last week:
First, why do I pay $600 a month for therapy? I obviously just need a Hinge subscription. Or a job there. These people understand how to practice self-care as it relates to mending my cold, dead heart.
Second, which prince in my Rolodex of not-so-charming suitors should receive this box? While the old me would never dream of calling out a fuckboy’s fucked-up set of behaviors (no good text is ever accompanied with a wink face emoji, girls), I was about up to here *points to the top of the Empire State Building* with these dudes getting away with murder.
So I entered my credit card information, hit “order,” and had it sent to the most recent offender: a lacrosse-playing, vodka soda slinging, finance working “good guy” who had, two months earlier, spent an entire evening professing his “love” for me. And not just any old love…a burning, unrequited love that had apparently been “eating him up inside” for the better part of five years.
PRO TIP: Don’t believe any guy if he makes a speech like this at 4am on the street corner adjacent to your apartment.
Because I refuse to accept I’m not Cameron Diaz in The Holiday, I believed him.
To make a long story short, our “romance” fizzled approximately three weeks later when I explained I needed some level of commitment from him beyond “I’ll text you this weekend.” This didn’t seem like a tall task considering he was “in love with me” from afar for five years, but I have a real talent for underestimating the power of someone who played a rich person sport at a NESCAC school.
Back to the Fuckboy Kit—that week, I kept an eagle eye on the package tracking. When it arrived at his doorstep (probably along with a Bonobos delivery, tbh), I imagined several scenarios playing out: either I would receive a condescending text calling me “nuts,” or I would hear nothing. Which would obviously be worse, because I require constant attention.
Approximately eight hours after the package arrived at Mr. Wonderful’s den of fuckery, my phone rang.
No, you are not reading a piece of fiction. My fuckboy actually picked up the phone to share a reaction beyond “haha.”
And would you believe the next part? He apologized for being a grade-A, immature douche canoe.
“I guess I kinda freaked out,” he said. And then, in the least surprising statement of 2017, he admitted the following: “I’ve definitely avoided commitment of any sort. This was a pretty funny way to call me out. Sorry for being a massive dick.”
If you believe in fairy tales, we’re going to dinner next week. Can’t wait to tell this story at our wedding, where he will most definitely be wearing the “Husband Material” hat.
It’s 2017, and we live in a relentless era of fuckboys. Thanks to a society that lets men feel like they rule the world (Google: The Patriarchy), guys generally suck. Dating is a minefield of trying to avoid the worst of them, and this has all been put on steroids by the prevalence of social media. Now, there are entire websites dedicated to the worst in fuckboy pre-date behavior (@byefelipe), but what about when an IRL meet up is already scheduled? It’s important to keep your guard up from the first moment, and analyzing his first date choice is a crucial part of this. Like, don’t assume everything is all good just because he didn’t send you an unsolicited photo of his erect penis. That is not the standard of good behavior we want to promote. It’s not even the bare minimum. It’s like always shitting in a toilet, as opposed to a hole you dig in the ground—just expected as a productive member of society. Here’s how you can tell what kind of fuckboy you have on your hands based off that very first date.
Fancy Cocktails: The Wall Street Fuckboy
He’s got a great job, so you might want to keep him around for a while. Just beware that along with the job, he probably also two other girlfriends who won’t be afraid to get territorial. Conversely, he’ll def get jealous and think you’re “flirting with the waiter” wherever you go because he figures you’re always on the prowl for a hookup, just like he is. Get him to buy you some nice shit, but don’t get too involved, because he knows how to play the game just as well as you and def has one of those rich guy inferiority complexes you read about in Gossip Girl.
Tailgate/Sporting Event: The Frat Fuckboy
No matter his age, he will show up wearing a frocket tee or a polo, and you will hate every minute of it. Quit acting like a chill girl and demand better for yourself. Sorry fellas, but if we have to drink out of a fucking red solo cup on a first date, that’s going to be the last date. Ever. Dating is cancelled. And unless we’re sitting courtside at an NBA game, we don’t want to watch sports with you.
Bowling Alley: The Fuckboy Who Lives At Home
If your Uber pulls up at a fucking bowling alley, run like the last Lululemon store in the world is having a clearance sale. He absolutely still lives with his parents, maybe even by choice, which makes it even weirder. As a semi-functioning adult with your life semi-together, you have absolutely no time for date ideas that are just repurposed from the birthday parties you attended in second grade. (Also includes: mini golf, ceramics painting, etc.) Also, he’s probably sober, and not for a good reason like, “suffering from alcoholism,” but for a stupid reason like “I wouldn’t want to disappoint my mom.”
Live Music Club: The Hipster Fuckboy
He might not seem intimidating at first, but the hipster fuckboy will constantly judge you for not knowing about rando “jam bands” and not being a vegan. Sorry dudes, but we’d rather eat meat and dairy than hang around to “hear music” until 3am. You guys will barely be able to talk at all because of all the noise pollution around you, and that’s probably a good thing because this fuckboy has very little to offer outside a good IPA recommendation.
Casual Hangout: The Fuckbuddy Fuckboy
If you are going to his house for the “first date,” then call Ashton Kutcher because you’ve been punk’d. This is not a date, it’s a glorified booty call that he felt too awkward to be honest about. Even if he seems cool, he’s obviously not interested in anything serious. That’s not necessarily a problem, but don’t lie to yourself. Being delusional went out of style in like, 2013.
Dive Bar: The Has-Been Fuckboy
This man may be 24-30 years old, but mentally he’s still stuck in college. He could clearly afford to take you someplace nice (or at least someplace without sports memorabilia on the walls), but instead he chose this. He probably still drinks shitty beer because it makes him feel young. You know what your future will look like, and this is not it.
The Movies: The Antisocial Fuckboy
We like going to the movies as much as the next person, but why pay $11 to not talk to someone for two hours when you could just stay in bed and do a face mask? You deserve a man who can hold a decent conversation, so seeing a movie before the third date is a major red flag.
Coffee: The Cheap Fuckboy
If a guy suggests coffee as a first date, just cancel immediately. Is this dude Mr. Krabs? The difference between a cup of coffee and a beer is like, $4. This guy thinks he’s being casual by setting up a coffee date, when it’s obvious he just doesn’t want to “invest” in you so early on by buying you a cocktail like a goddamn adult. If you go out with this fuckboy and don’t put out or agree to a second date, he’ll probably send you a formal invoice for the vodka soda he bought you. Sure, it will be fun to roast him in your group chat, but it’s going to come at a price. Literally. Not to mention, anyone who drinks coffee after like, 5pm is a psycho. You don’t have to date the poor; you can just donate to Unicef or something.
Nice Restaurant: The Too-Good-To-Be-True Fuckboy
You know what they say: if something seems too good to be true, it usually is. But you can at least let it buy you dinner first before you find out? If a man offers to take you to a restaurant with 3 or more dollar signs on Yelp, make sure you show up with a pointed list of questions designed to show his flaws. Whether it’s chronic bad breath or he’s got bodies hidden in his freezer, you need to get to the bottom of these things.
Fuckboys are not always easy to spot in the wild, given their highly adaptive nature and ability to blend in. Any betch that’s been through the Amazon jungle of dating knows that meeting a fuckboy now is like finding a Rattata in the original Gameboy Pokemon—it’s common AF but you always hope it’s something better. The key to getting rid of the fuckboys in your life is to know how to identify early signs of fuckboyism before you get too attached. Here are some telltale signs the guy you’re dating is a fuckboy you should def ditch.
1. He asks you to hang out but doesn’t text you to follow up, and when you ask if you’re still on he’s just like, “sure where should I meet you”.
2. He says things like, “we should hang” but never initiates an actual date.
3. He says things like, “let me know when you’re free” rather than proposing an actual time and place.
4. When you ask him if he’s seeing anyone else, he avoids answering and says something like, “you don’t have to worry about that”
5. He uses phrases like, “keep me posted” and, “let’s stay in touch” when you invite him to come out instead of just giving you a straight answer.
6. His friends don’t seem to know who you are, which means chances are slim he’s raving about you to them.
7. Or his friends all know who you are but act like they know something you don’t because they do: They know he’s seeing other people.
8. He’ll disappear for days without you hearing from him, and when he finally resurfaces he offers no explanation, like it’s perfectly normal.
9. When you ask him what’s up, he over-explains why he’s been so busy and offers specific details like, “hey! just been super busy with this work presentation and my cousin’s in town and also my dog is sick so I haven’t been sleeping what’s up with you?” which really translates to, “please don’t ask me to hang out.”
10. When other guys flirt with you in front of him he seems totally unfazed, not in a chill, do-whatever-you-want-because-I’m-a-feminist way, but in the honestly-could-not-care-less-about-you way.
11. When you run into other girls when you’re out, he definitely doesn’t introduce you as his girlfriend, and sometimes doesn’t introduce you at all.
12. He’s always texting other people when you’re together, and they’re def not all bros.
13. He shadily will not respond to you during prime date hours of 7-11pm, because he’s obvs on other dates.
14. His friends avoid direct eye contact with you when there’s other girls flirting with him, and more than likely some of them are also hooking up with him.
15. He’s never initiated taking a picture with you, and he’s never posted one of you guys hanging out on his social media.
If you spot, like, more than three of these behaviors, it’s time to reevaluate your life and your choices (not to mention your relationship). For more dating advice, buy our new book, I Had A Nice Time And Other Lies, and stop falling for fuckboys.
Images: Elsa Donald on Unsplash; Giphy (18)
As modern women, we are all doomed to hit it with a fuckboy at least once in our lives, if we want to maintain the steady stream of sexual attention TV and movies say we should be receiving at all times. But which type of fuckboy is the best for you? Well what better way to find that out than to base it on the approximate locations of the planets when you were born? Honestly, seems like a much more accurate system than basing it on the two best photos of someone that may or may not be from 15 pounds ago and a bio that their best girl friend wrote that is almost 100% lies.
ARIES: THE EMOTIONAL FUCKBOY
Aries betches are all drama, so they’re going to want a fuckboy who can keep up. What’s the point of having a drunken screaming match in the middle of an Arby’s if the guy you’re yelling at isn’t even going to throw fries at the cashier? Aries enjoy bringing excitement into others’ lives, and what could be more exciting than showing up at someone’s window with gasoline and a lit match demanding to know if he’s sleeping with other people? Your friends will absolutely hate this guy and dedicate entire groupchats to how to get him out of your friend group, but they shouldn’t worry. You will eventually get bored of this fuckboy and impulsively block him on all socials so that you can start the process all over again with one of his closest friends.
TAURUS: THE WEIRDLY OLD FUCKBOY
Taurus betches are down to earth and don’t like inviting instability into their lives. For this reason, they’re going to need a fuckboy who is a little bit more of a fuckman if they want their relationship to work. Sure, his hair may be receding and there’s gray in his beard, but he also has a savings account with over $5 in it and a real apartment that he like, owns. Tauruses are also notoriously bad at breakups, which is why it might be better for you to find someone who is more likely to die before that happens. Don’t make the mistake of thinking this guy wants a real relationship, though. He may be old enough to be your dad, but that doesn’t mean he actually wants to be a dad. You know?
GEMINI: THE FOREIGN FUCKBOY
Gemini betches are unpredictable and need constant excitement to avoid being bored, which is why the best fuckboy for a Gemini is one that fully does not even go here. This fuckboy can slip in and out of your life without doing something annoying like becoming friends with your friends or “wanting to know what you’re up to.” Hooking up with this fuckboy is always exciting because you know your time is limited, and his accent is so thick you’re not 100% sure what he’s saying most of the time. If one of you does make the mistake of catching feelings, all you have to do is say Trump won’t let you leave the country and stop answering his texts. Ghost this bro with impunity knowing there’s almost 0 chance you’ll awkwardly run into each other at your local bar.
CANCER: THE MAN-BOY FUCKBOY
Cancer is the mommy of the zodiac, meaning a Cancer betch is going to want a fuckboy that she can take care of—aka “tell what to do.” The best fuckboy hookup for you will be one where you somehow end up staying all day and cleaning his apartment after. For whatever reason, you want a man who needs help setting up his own email account. Luckily, thanks to Judd Apatow & Co., the man-boy thing is very popular amongst men these days so you should have no problem finding one of your very own. Seriously. Just go to like, any bar with a $5 beer/shot special and you’ll be picking his ass up from soccer practice in no time.
LEO: THE AGGRESSIVELY HONEST FUCKBOY
As a Leo betch, you are proud AF and have no time for people who want to fuck with you. That’s why the fuckboy in your life needs to be the rare kind that are aggressively honest about everything. Like, the type of dude who will stop you mid-bone to tell you he’d prefer to have your pelvis at a 45 degree angle. Coded messages and random 3am sad face emojis are not going to work for you. You’d rather have a guy whose dating profile says “My girlfriend doesn’t know I’m on this site” than some d-bag who waits three dates to tell you he’s actually in an “open relationship” by which he means “My girlfriend doesn’t know I’m on this site.” Honesty you can work with. Bullshit mind games you cannot.
VIRGO: THE FUCKBOY FROM CLASS
Virgo betches are highly intellectual, meaning that you’re going to want a fuckboy who can stimulate both your body and your mind. That’s why when a scruffy looking semi-hipster from your Politics of Developing Nations class slides into your DMs, you won’t hate it. The two of you can be boning one minute, then discussing your professor’s latest lecture series the next. He might even be down to Netflix binge all the fucked up documentaries you usually save for private time. Just don’t be surprised if he starts asking to copy your notes, and def don’t expect this guy to stick around into next semester, no matter how good your thesis is.
LIBRA: THE RICH FUCKBOY
Libra betches have expensive tastes, meaning that any fuckboy who even dreams of hitting it with a Libra better come correct with the budget to do so. If a guy wants the honor of sporadically answering your texts for a period of several months, then he needs to make sure that when he does finally decide to answer he’s inviting you to dinner at the nicest restaurant in town. Any man who thinks he can bring you back to the shitty rowhouse and mattress on the floor that he shares with his 15 unemployed roommates and still get in your pants is fucking delusional. You’ll be uber-blacking home before he can say “Sorry, we’re out of toilet paper.”
SCORPIO: THE HORNY AF FUCKBOY
Scorpio is the horniest of all signs, meaning that scorpio betches are going to need an equally horny fuckboy if the relationship is going to be even remotely rewarding. If he’s not down to exchange nude snaps at work, he is not the fuckboy for you. You don’t even really need to know this fuckboy’s name, TBH. All you need to know is if he’s up and has a semi-functional dick. The two of you will get exactly what you want out of this relationship, and part ways on good terms, until one of you has to inevitably call the other three years later to let them know they should probably get tested for HPV.
SAGITTARIUS: THE PARTYING FUCKBOY
Sagittarius betches are aggressively fun, so you’re going to need a fuckboy who can keep up the pace. You don’t need some lame-ass dude who is going to show up to the club and immediately start badgering you to go home and smoke weed. You need someone who is going to show up with a stolen bottle of Everclear and a friend who says he knows where you guys can “get a boat.” Just please try to remember to tell your friends where you’re going because you two might seriously end up dead in each other’s company.
CAPRICORN: THE INSTA-FAMOUS FUCKBOY
Capricorns, like Slytherins, are very ambitious betches. That’s why you’re going to need a your man to have a certain amount of social credibility before you agree to be his fuckwoman. Anyone with less than two thousand followers on Twitter and Insta, with an average of 3 LPM (likes per minute) is not going to cut it. If you’re going to be hanging out with some dude all night, you need to make sure that dude’s Snap stories are being seen by DJ Khaled levels of people. Otherwise, it’s just not worth it. This way you know that when you unfollow him, he’ll definitely notice and be pissed off for weeks.
AQUARIUS: THE FRIEND/FUCKBOY
Aquarius betches DGAF what anybody thinks of them, which is why you are more than down to break the cardinal rule of not fucking your friends in favor of totally fucking all of your friends. You like to have deep connections and personal history with the people in your life, which is why the friend/fuckboy is perfect for you. The two of you can hop into bed together knowing the full catalogue of shitty things you’ve said about previous lovers, and when you’re done you can just roll over and commence talking shit on The Dud or that kid you were friends with in high school who is like, super Christian now.
PISCES: THE REFORMED FUCKBOY
Dating a fuckboy is tricky for a Pisces betch because pisces, generally, are looking for a real commitment. That’s why you’re going to need to find yourself a fuckboy who has turned his back on his fuckboyish tendencies and is ready for a relationship that also exists outside the hours of midnight and 3am. Does he still wear a flat brim and pounds of body spray that somehow smells both good and bad? Sure. Is he going to freak out when, one week in, you casually bring up that your parents are in town? Nope. He’s all about it. In fact, he has personalized gifts for each member of your family and already knows all their names from memorizing your social media profiles. Just don’t expect him to be good at texting. No man is actually good at texting.
It’s no secret that we love to hate on Bravo. We talk about how miserable everyone on VPR is, and how fucking dumb and boring everyone on Southern Charm is, and yet, here we are, watching every trash heap Andy Cohen slings our way. Except Sweet Home Oklahoma. Even I’m not that loyal. And while most time the HBICs of Bravo get all the credit for keeping shit interesting, there are a handful of fuckboys that fucking suck, but like, are entertaining af to watch from a distance. So here you have it. A definitive ranking of Bravo’s biggest fuckboys.
12. Peter Thomas
The RHOA star isn’t the first piece of shit Bravo boy you think of, but he def deserves a spot on the list. When he was married to our girl Cynthia he admittedly went to the strip club like, every damn week. That’s just gross. I get for bachelor parties and shit, but reel it in dude. You have a gorgeous queen of a wife at home and you’d rather be watching Cinnamon, who is probs no more than a solid 6, get dollar bills shoved in her ass? Smh.
11. The Jersey Joes
Joe Giudice and Joe Gorga get to share the #11 spot because, let’s be honest, what’s the fucking difference? They both are guido meatheads who pretend to do construction even though we all know they’re in the mafia. We’ve seen The Godfather before. We know how this shit works. Joe Giudice is worse, I guess, because of the whole prison thing and he called his wife a cunt once. But then again, Joe Gorga flips his shit when Melissa doesn’t have a sandwich and a blow job waiting for him upon his arrival, so like, it’s a tossup.
10. Tom D’Agostino
What kind of dumbass makes out with a rando at a place all you and your brand new fiancée’s friends hang out? So you’re a fuckboy and an idiot. I see. If cheating on Luann like, a day after getting engaged wasn’t enough, he got with her while he was screwing her fellow RHONY castmate Sonja, while she and Lu fucking lived together. And further, he was also dating Ramona at the time. I mean, is there anyone in NYC you can sleep with who isn’t a Housewife? There’s gotta be a few.
9. Mario Singer
Mario flies under the radar as one of Bravo’s prime fuckboys, but I’m here to call his shit out. He’s your typical midlife crisis fuckboy who started up an affair with a chick like, 30 years younger than him and did it in his and his wife’s own house. Fucking gross. After Ramona caught him, he pulled the whole back-and=forth on whether they could work it out, but ultimately ended up dating his mistress. GTFO.
8. Jason Hoppy
Ugh, Jason is the fucking worst. When Bethenny first started dating him, he was kinda cute in the whole “I don’t mind having a strong woman and taking the back seat kind of way” but damn did that fade. As soon as they broke up, Jason actually became Satan and tried to take all Queen B’s money, her apartment, and her daughter. Because of his petty, greedy ass, the divorce was dragged out over almost four fucking years. And even though shit’s been settled, he’s still being a fucking psychopath, allegedly stalking Bethenny and sending her threatening messages and shit. Jason would top the list except that his behavior goes way beyond garden-variety fuckboy shit and into scary af psycho-who-will-kill-you-and-wear-your-skin territory.
7. Slade Smiley
While Slade has recently been outdone, he’s truly the OG Bravo fuckboy. With a name like Slade Smiley, it’s practically destiny that this guy would turn out to be a douche. We first met him when he he was dating Jo, who he wanted to stay at home all the time and clean in a fucking French maid costume. K. Then he became fuck buddies with RHOC #2 Lauri. And now, he’s shacking up with his third housewife, Gretchen. He’s like the original West Coast version of Tom. He lands higher on the list because he’s been accused of dipping out on child support and I don’t have time for a fuckboy AND a deadbeat dad.
6. Brooks Ayers
I take back my previous statement about Jason. Brooks is the actual worst human on all of Bravo. And I don’t say that lightly. He mooches off Vicki for her money, fucks 20-something-year-old porn stars when they’re on a break (vom), and fucking FAKES CANCER to try to get people to like him. That would all be pretty par for the course if we were talking about an episode of MTV’s Catfish, but you are a Real Husband, for fuck’s sake. WTF is wrong with you? If that wasn’t enough, he told Vicki’s son-in-law that he should beat his wife aka Vicki’s daughter to keep her in line. Brb taking off my earrings to go whoop some misogynist Mississippi ass.
5. Ben Robinson
Ben is a quintessential fuckboy because he tries to screw everything in sight and just treats women like shit in general. Not to mention, he calls everyone “baby” in an Austin Powers voice which honestly gives me nightmares to this day. If you’re on a boat in the Caribbean or the Mediterranean, and you have a vagina (or any hole probs), Ben will try to fuck you. Idk the exact number of stews he’s hooked up with, or at least tried to, over the years but I feel like it’s a solid 75% at minimum. Plus, can we get him a Xanax? Anyone who has a literal mental break over the exact time breakfast is served—WHEN YOU ARE EMPLOYED AS THE GODDAMN CHEF OF THE BOAT—needs to build a very large bridge and get over themself.
4. Shep Rose
Shep is the kind of guy that makes you hate yourself because you know he’s a fuckboy who’s just trying to get laid by the entire town of Charleston, but you still fuck him anyway. He’s funny, he’s smart-ish and despite the whole “sex with anything that moves” thing, he actually doesn’t treat women terribly unless you’re expecting him to call you back. What a concept. But there I go again, making excuses as to why a legit fuckboy isn’t as bad as other fuckboys. *Slaps self repeatedly until realization of making the same mistakes over and over again occurs* Okay, we’re good. Shep is the most dangerous type of fuckboy because he’s actually charming. Unlike Jax and James (we’re getting there) you don’t have to be a self-loathing human to fall for him—you just have to be a little drunk and having a fat day. DANGER.
3. Thomas Ravenel
Ah ha! Another terrible person. First things first, he managed to impregnate a gold digging 20-year-old not only once, but TWICE. That’s borderline impressive and at that point you can’t even blame Kathryn for gold digging when he made it so damn easy. Thomas is like, 60 and tells other 20-year-olds besides his baby mama to take their tops off and shit. He was arrested for doing coke back when he was holding some form of office. Tbh, the fact that South Carolinians elected him in the first place makes me think even less than them as a state than I did before, which is also impressive. He’s the creepiest of creepy old dudes, like Jack Nicholson minus the cool Hollywood connections and Lakers tickets. His worst offense, however, is his desire to speak godawful French at random times every episode. Like STFU grandpa.
2. James Kennedy
The white Kanye West himself finds himself almost topping our list of Bravo fuckboys. Honestly, this list could be of every fuckboy on earth and DJ James Kennedy would no doubt still be top 10. James has the standard qualities of a classic fuckboy including having sex with tons of women, like pretty much every SURver at this point; cheating on his girlfriend; and bragging about his sex-capades to his friends—or in his case, the Bravo producers with a camera pointed at his face for side commentary. He calls women fat, spits on them when arguing, and is just and all in all asshole. Most of his fuckboyness (fuckboyery?) is directed at Kristen, so like, it’s usually kinda funny though.
1. Jax Taylor
I know what you’re thinking: “But James got in a physical fight with Kristen” and “he told Katie to work on her summer body.” Here’s the difference. James is 25. Jax is like 40, and he’s still doing this shit. Sure, modern day Jax appears to be in a committed relationship with country bumpkin Brittany and like, he’s not as terrible as he was. But let’s go through his Bravo resume, shall we? 1) Pretty much everything that comes out of his fucking mouth regarding women. 2) He fucked—I’m sorry, “banged”—his best friend’s girlfriend while he was sleeping in the other room. Please note: said girl is also his on-again-off-again girlfriend’s best friend. And finally… 3) He got a porn star pregnant in Vegas and paid for her to have an abortion all while he was with Stassi. I mean, I didn’t even know shit like this happened IRL other than on Jerry Springer. And there’s more. I know there is, but my mind just blew itself when I typed that last one, so I think that’s enough for today.
Congratulations, Jax. You are King of Fuckboys. As if any of us are surprised.
Sex is great. You don’t need me, let alone fucking Cosmo, to tell you that. But have you ever wondered how sex could be so enjoyable one second, then the next, you’re wondering why, out of everything he could’ve put in his mouth in that exact moment, he chose to insert his fucking foot? Because same. Like things are going great, you’re crushing reverse cowgirl, when all of a sudden he word vomits some porno-inspired bullshit like, “You like that dick?” Fucking duh BRAD, why the hell else would I be here?
Don’t get me wrong, there comes a time during a betch’s dry spell (hi) where a goddamn shirtless Ralph Lauren Polo cologne ad would get me wet, so I’m not one to judge on what type of chatter turns you on in the bedroom. But if you’re gonna be the naïve and whiney Charlotte of your group, that’s fine—just don’t come crying to us, your best friends, who warned you that “you nasty bitch, you filthy slut” bedroom talk wasn’t exactly code for “I totes see myself settling down with you”. But since I know you will anyway, just prepare to pack your bags and run for the hills if he spews any of this bullshit out during sex before he has the chance to pounce and bounce.
1. “Did You Come Yet?”
You know when you were taking a timed test in school and the teacher was all, “5 minutes left,” and you were forced into a clusterfuck of a thought process that made no sense? Yeah this is like that, only you used to be able to just mark C and actually finish the test. Asking if we came yet puts a time crunch on the entire process, and solely benefits that of a fuckboy’s ego, so now the 12% chance we actually had of finishing is nonexistent. Also, pretty sure there’s a saying that goes, if it looks like a fuckboy and sounds like a fuckboy, then it’s prob a fuckboy. Or something along those lines. Well same goes for literally everything ever, including orgasms. Asking if we came during sex is like asking if I’m still hungover the Tuesday after Labor Day weekend, as in, that shit is really fucking hard to disguise. Next.
2. “Sorry, It Slipped”
Wrong hole, my ass. And I mean that with the utmost literal intent. The only thing worse than asking me to put it in exit-only territory on a first date is a surprise missile launch without my full permission. Like, at least North Korea straight-up warned us. A guy who attempts butt stuff before treating you to at least a vodka soda and kale salad is solely in it to brag to his friends later on that he actually got away with doing butt stuff. But if you’re into that sort of thing, and he asks your express permission, then like all power to you. Otherwise you should probs call the police.
3. “I Never Do This”
It’s every girl’s dream for a guy to finally admit to us that we’re the exception to the rule (thanks, Justin Long in that dumb fucking RomCom). But as your friend, I’m here to tell you that you’re not special. That’s probably mean, but whatever. If there’s any bigger lie than me claiming I’ll “be ready in 5”, it’s a guy who claims he never brings a girl home. I’m sorry to burst your fantasy bubble, but “I never do this” should send you running for the fucking hills in any context it’s ever used in. Whether he’s got an unexpected case of whiskey dick or he actually really doesn’t ever bring a girl home, start lacing up those Reeboks.
4. “You’re So Wet Right Now”
Gee thanks, tell me more about how the female sex organ miraculously functions! A bro who takes the time to let you know that your vagina is doing its job is only saying this for one of two reasons: As a shitty attempt in thinking by saying that, you’ll magically drench yourself after feeling you up over your pants for 20 minutes like he’s in fucking 9th grade, or as a pat on his own back for completing a task a tiny wand and a pack of AA batteries is much more capable of.
5. “You’re So Tight”
I believe this was actually the title of Chapter 7 in the Betches Guide to Fuckboys handbook, but if reading isn’t your thing, this is fuckboy-to-English translation for “can’t you feel how big I am?” Like, this is the type of guy who thinks it’s some sort of compliment that a vagina is snug and shockingly won’t fit the contents my goddamn purse, as if we should be returning the compliment on his “enormous” male form. FYI, I give compliments like I give head aka only maybe after I receive some first, but like, thanks for noticing I’ve been doing my kegels?
6. “Call Me Daddy”
Had I not been three glasses of Chardonnay deep, I wouldn’t even waste my time including this on the list because it’s so blatantly obvious, but mostly it’s the No. 1 reason I have actual daddy trust issues. I would rather rupture my own ear drums with a Q-tip than associate the name I referred to my own father for 20 years straight with Ben from Bumble. Last I checked, this isn’t some tight-budget Russian porno, so unless he has the funds to support my stiletto shopping habit and weekly happy hour therapy sessions, Greg, and only Greg, will forever be the only daddy in my life.
7. *Head Push*
Every ounce of bullshit on this list may have spoken for itself, but screw what I said in the beginning because some actions actually do speak infinitely louder than words, and I’m talking about the fucking head push. I won’t even waste my time going into detail about what this means because you know exactly what I’m talking about. But I will say that a guy who attempts to plunge you further into his junk while you’re on your knees has no intention of getting down on his knee any time soon. How to tolerate such selfishness, you may ask? You don’t tolerate it, that’s how. Do you think Mulan would have just been like “thx for the assist!” if Li Shang pulled a move like that? Fuck no. That betch saved an entire country—pretty sure she doesn’t need some roided-out fuckboy’s further useless assistance, in which case a fist to his family jewels will speak even greater volumes.
