Watching your favorite TV shows is only made better by watching it with friends. And if you’re watching it with friends, the only improvement is to drink while you watch, especially because most of the TV I watch is so fucking stupid I could not possibly get through it sober. Instead of downing a bottle (or two) of wine while screaming at Becca for LETTING LINCOLN THE FLOOR SHITTER STAY on The Bachelorette, maximize your viewing party chicness by pairing your fav show with a cute on-theme cocktail. Also?? Have food. If I have to go wear pants, put on makeup, and hang out at someone’s house instead of my bed, I expect to be fed. GOD. You can thank me for these genius TV and cocktail pairings in the comments.
‘The Bachelorette’ + Will You Accept This Frosé?
If you haven’t had frosé yet, you’re not trendy enough to be my friend. Sorry. A frosé is a frozen rosé cocktail. It is my favorite summer drink, it’s not super high in calories, and it goes with the sad roses Becca tearfully passes out to racists and flat-Earthers. Plus, frosé is totally Instagrammable. All you need is rosé, sugar, strawberries, lemon juice, ice, and a blender. Your friends will be hammered, having a great time, and on theme.
‘Jersey Shore’ – The Long Island Dump
Celebrate the trash that is Jersey Shore: Family Vacation with an equally trashy drink, like a Long Island Iced Tea guaranteed to get you so drunk that you feel on par with the cast. Much like our favorite guidos, this drink is a mess of alcohol all poured into one fuck-you-up beverage. Also, aren’t some of them from Long Island? My sense of geography for that part of the country is v flawed. I don’t pay attention in one class freshmen year of high school because it was at 7:30am, and I somehow never take or learn geography again. Like, I didn’t know that would forever fuck up my ability to find shit for the rest of my life. Anyway, get your friends drunk enough to tolerate Angelina shitting her pants on TV with vodka, gin, white rum, Triple Sec, lemon juice, cola, and lemon wedges!
‘The Handmaid’s Tale’ – Gilead Water
Do people have viewing parties for The Handmaid’s Tale? Do you guys just like, cry into each other’s shoulders about the realization that this is going to be our reality in the near future? Well, if so, drink a cocktail the same color as our sad, black hearts watching it. This drink is actually called LA Water, because it’s the exact color of the LA river. Super sad and super gross, much like our impending doom! Make this dystopian cocktail with vodka, gin, rum, Triple Sec, Blue Caracao, raspberry liquer, and sweet and sour mix. Hopefully you’ll forget about the state of our country.
‘The Real Housewives Of Orange County’ – You Are Orange, Jesus Jugs
Coming back this July, my OC Real Housewives are back to ruin lives and accuse each other of faking cancer. Can’t wait! I just binged the entire series on Hulu, so I’m sure that will tell you everything about my current mental state. I’m actually from Orange County, and I can tell you, it’s exactly like that. Anyway, watch Vicki and Tamra mak eup and then call each other whores five minutes later with a fun, orange-themed drink like an Orange Blossom. But I gave it a cute name involving Jesus Jugs because that is the best insult of Housewives history. Fight me. Make this orange drink in honor of our fav orange-holding ladies with gin, vermouth, and orange juice.
‘Bachelor In Paradise’ – Consensual Sex On The Beach
Ok, this one doesn’t come out until August but I am so. Fucking. Excited. It’s the only reason I tolerate all the other Bachelor shitshows is to pregame for BIP so I know who everyone is. Which was an especially huge burden this year because we had that fucking disaster that was Winter Games. Hopefully this year everyone gives explicit consent before having oral sex on camera in front of an entire crew, because I will cut a bitch if production gets shut down again and we miss several weeks of iconic trash TV. Make a ~Consensual~ Sex on the Beach for this slut-fest with vodka, peach liqueur, orange juice, and cranberry juice, and pretend you’ve also instantly found true love with randos in Mexico.
If somehow in the course of your Facebook/Snapchat/Pinterest/Instagram travels you’ve missed a metric fuck-ton of frosé recipes, consider yourself a homeschooled jungle freak. Literally every food mag, blogger, and celebrity takes a pic of some popular betches sippin’ on frosé either next to a pool or on the patio of some trendy restaurant you’ve never heard of.
If you want to
be popular on social media enjoy this frozen alcoholic summertime treat AND have an excuse to take a pic of yourself being cool, it’s time you learned to make your very own frosé. We scoured the interwebs and went with betchy mag Bon Appetit’s recipe, which we’ve adapted for your viewing pleasure below.
· 1 750-mL bottle Merlot rosé
· ½ cup white granulated sugar
· 8 oz strawberries or raspberries, chopped (for strawberries, remove the tops)
· 2 ½ oz lemon juice
Grab a 13×9 pan (the kind you use for brownies lol) and pour rosé in. Freeze that shit until it’s almost a solid block of delicious wine ice, which should take like 5-6 hours.
While that shit transforms, grab a saucepan and boil the sugar and ½ cup of water together until the sugar dissolves which should take less than 5 minutes so pay attention. Add the berries and remove from the heat. Let the concoction sit for about 40 minutes so that everything can hang out, then strain the mixture through a mesh sieve unto a small bowl. Chill that shit in the fridge for about a half hour.
Is your rosé frozen-ish? Good. Scrape into a blender with 3 ½ oz of the berry syrup and the lemon juice. Add in about 1 cup of ice and blend until everything is smooth. Put in the freezer so everything can solidify a bit for like 35 minutes.
At this point you can blend it one more time then serve or like just eat from the freezer. Really, you do you.